A Summer of Changes
by Louise Anne Smithson

Book 4 Chapter 8

Julia’s second visit to London

It was only just over a month since Denise had last waited at Liverpool Street station to say goodbye to her sister, but it somehow felt much longer. On that first occasion she had been so relieved about her sister’s reaction to her new way of life, and needed her moral support when it came to informing her mother. Now she felt confident and in control of her life and was pleased with the way in which her plans were beginning to fall in to shape. When Julia arrived earlier that week she had been pleased to have John by her side, as a trophy to impress her sister, but now she was equally happy to have her to herself for a little while before the arrival of the train. What with one thing and another, they had not had much opportunity to have a long sisterly talk together over the last four days.

‘I am glad you decided to delay your departure until Saturday morning Julia, so I can see you off and we at least have the opportunity for a chat,’ said Denise.

‘Yes we haven’t had much chance to talk alone this week, what with one thing and another, replied Julia. ‘It has taken me somewhat longer than I thought to find somewhere reasonable to live and make the necessary arrangements,’.

‘So are you now fixed up ready for September and raring to go?’

‘Yes, last night I left a deposit on a reasonably-sized bedsit with access to a shared kitchen, and a view of the common at Kennington. It is only one stop away from my work by underground, or a ten minute bus ride. It is even within walking distance if I am feeling energetic.’

‘It sounds ideal for you, I am looking forward to seeing it.’

‘I plan to move in over the August Bank Holiday weekend as I will be starting work on 1st September. I shall invite you and John round for dinner just as soon as I am settled in.’

‘Maybe we can help you move in?’

‘That is kind of you to offer, but I feel a little guilty about the help that John has already given me. Not only did he provide useful advice about different areas of London, but he must have driven me round to see at least eight different properties over the last three evenings.’

‘I don’t think he minded, as I have been rather busy this week at work, working overtime and making up for the time when I went to see the therapist.’

‘No, I don’t think he minded helping me, but be careful Denise, John is a nice bloke, reasonably good looking and has a good job. Such men are not that thick on the ground; he could be a good catch for someone else if you are not careful.’

‘Are you planning on doing any fishing yourself?’ asked Denise smiling.

‘I could quite fancy him and get the impression that, with a little effort, I could make something of him, but don’t worry, I wouldn’t do that to my own sister.’

‘Even if she wanted you to?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Well he is a nice bloke and we have had fun together, but I get the impression he is more serious about me than I am about him. In many ways he would suit you much better than me. He is closer to your age, and you are more mature than I am. In any event, over the next few weeks my life is going to be complicated enough with the gender re-assignment and so I do not want to get myself emotionally involved with a boyfriend.’

‘You can’t just pass your boyfriends on to your sister when you have finished with them, as you might do to some item of unwanted clothing!’ said Julia incredulously.

‘It is better to pass him on to you, if you have a use for him, than to send him to the charity shop,’ said Denise laughing. ‘You do not currently have a boyfriend and so he could be quite useful to show you around when you come up to London in a few weeks time.

‘Won’t he want some say in the matter?’

‘Maybe, but like most men he needs to be shown what is best for him. He will probably need a little bit of gentle handling, but in no time we will have him eating out of your hand.’

Julia shook her head. ‘You do him an injustice; there is more to him than meets the eye.’

‘You are probably right, but, as you said, you could make something of him. However, don’t worry if you would find it embarrassing going out with your baby sister’s ex-boyfriend. I’ll look for someone else to take him off my hands. But at least accept the offer of help when you move in to your bedsit.’

‘Alright, but that is all. I can find my own boyfriends thank you. In any event, where did all this womanly wisdom about handling guys suddenly come from?’ she asked laughing.

Denise shrugged. ‘Maybe it was there all the time but was buried under all the crap of my having to pretend to be a boy just because Mother Nature got her wires crossed’.

‘You should have mentioned it when we were young as I always wanted a kid sister. You have always looked a little androgynous and so I could have dressed you up as my little sister and then we could have had fun together.’

‘At the time I did not know myself what was wrong with me. I only knew that I something was not right in my life. But from now onwards I intend to make the most of my new life as a woman.’

‘So when are coming to tell mum about your plans for gender re-assignment?’

‘The two therapy sessions I have had so far have been purely exploratory and I suspect there will be a few more sessions before he refers me to an endocrinologist. However, I already have another appointment next week. I will come and tell mum as soon as I know a little more about likely costs involved and a timetable for my transition. I hope it will be before you leave Norwich. How do you think she will react when she hears the news?’

‘I can’t see it coming as much of a shock to her, just as it was no surprise to me. I think after your last visit to Norwich we were both convinced that we would not be seeing much of Denis in the future. I believe that she has been doing a lot of background reading on the subject of transsexualism and transgenderism ever since you left and has asked me whether I thought it was a temporary phase you were passing through.’

‘How did you answer her?’

‘I told her what you have just said to me — that you were now fulfilling an innate need and were unlikely ever to go back.’

‘Thank you,’ said Denise, blushing. ‘It must be difficult for her to understand’.

‘Maybe, but she is not as narrow-minded as you might think’.

‘I never thought she was narrow minded, but it must be difficult for anyone to accept that someone you have always thought of as a son, now wants to become your daughter’

‘Yes, I suppose so, but I think most reasonable people now accept that some people have problems with their gender identity, which are not their fault.’

‘I hope so. In fact everybody I have told has so far accepted the news with understanding.’

‘So they know about your plans at work.’

‘Yes I told my boss some time ago, and then announced it to my colleagues at the beginning of last week. As with you, it was no great surprise to anyone. As soon as I have a formal diagnosis from the therapist I shall be changing my name and my National Insurance status and then opening a new bank account. Over the next few weeks all record of the late Denis Symons will gradually disappear.’

‘Does John know about your plans yet.’

‘Not yet. I asked Jane to refrain from mentioning it at home until I have a chance to tell him later today.’

‘Don’t leave it any longer, otherwise someone is bound to let out your secret.’

‘Yes, I know. Jane will also be telling her husband the shocking news that one of their bridesmaids was really a guy.’

‘And the other one is a lesbian, but perhaps he already knows that,’ thought Julia, but did not say as much. Instead she asked her sister, ‘will she tell him before or after your dinner party tonight?’

‘Before, I assume. I am not going to pretend any more. I will not raise the issue myself, but if the topic of my male origins, or my gender re-assignment therapy, should come up in the conversation, I intend to answer openly and truthfully.’

‘I can see that the dinner tonight is going to be an interesting experience for both you and John.’

‘If it gets too bad I will feign a headache or one of my fainting fits and ask John to take me home.’

‘Denise, I am a little worried about these fainting fits you keep having. I understand from John that you either have fainted or else felt faint on three occasions recently and Samantha told me that you have also fainted at work.’

‘Oh it is nothing, just an occasional attack of ‘the vapours’, a little bit of what used to be called ‘female hysteria’ in the nineteenth century. They soon pass,’ answered Denise dismissively.

‘There is no such thing as ‘female hysteria’, if young women fainted in the nineteenth century it was because their corsets were constricting their blood-flow,’ said Julia. ‘You should not talk about women in such a disparaging way, especially as you want to become one. If you are fainting regularly it is for a reason, and you should go and see a doctor to find out why.’

‘I think it may be a side-effect of some testosterone blockers that I have been taking over the last couple of weeks, to stop me from turning into a man.’

‘In that case you should tell the doctor who prescribed them to you.’

‘There is no doctor involved, I read about the drugs on the internet and acquired some’, answered Denise, looking a little shamefaced.

‘You must be mad! Don’t you realise that you could do yourself some serious harm?’

Denise blushed.

‘I did read up about the potential risks and the side-effects, and don’t think they will do me any harm. I just felt that it was more important for me to avoid turning into a man.’

‘If you were ever going to turn into a strapping ‘he-man’ it would have happened to you by the time you were sixteen. Now with your clothes and makeup, nobody could conceivably think of you as a guy.’

‘Maybe, but just looking like a woman is no longer enough for me.’

‘And what will happen when your therapist finds out you have been self-medicating? He will consider you to be an irresponsible and unreliable patient and won’t want to continue treating you, particularly as he is only charging you half his normal rate.’

‘I was intending to stop taking them as soon as he gave me an appointment with an endocrinologist.’

‘Denise, you should stop taking them straight away. Leave the medication to the doctors. You are already living and working as a woman so you ought to be able to show a little patience in waiting for the physical changes to take effect.’

‘Very well. I suppose your are right, but over the last couple of weeks I have really begun to discover my true self and am becoming increasingly frustrated with living in a man’s body and having to pretend to be a woman.’

‘There is nothing about your body or your character that is manly. But you must be patient and not try to rush things. You should concentrate on enjoying the life of an ordinary nineteen-year old girl and saving up for your surgery.’

---

Once she had said goodbye to her sister Denise made her way to Aldwych, where she had arranged to meet John for lunch at a café near Somerset House. He was waiting for her once she arrived.

‘Hi John,’ she said responding to his kiss on the cheek. ‘Thank you for being so kind to my sister over the last week.’

‘It was my pleasure, I had nothing else to do and she was good fun to be with. In fact it gave me a useful insight into the problems of looking for somewhere to live. I will have to do so my self in a few weeks, now that the arrival of Jane’s baby is approaching.’

‘But thank you all the same. Now let us order some lunch and then there is something important that I need to discuss with you.’

‘Is it that you do not want to go out with me any more?’ he asked alarmed.

‘No but you may not wish to continue going out with me afterwards,’ she replied.

---

‘Alright so what is it that you wish to tell me young lady?’ asked John once their food had been delivered to the table and the waitress was out of earshot.

‘There are two things. First of all, I am embarking upon a programme of gender re-assignment, and have seen a doctor. I am planning to make Denise both permanent and official.’

‘You are planning to undergo a sex-change operation?’

‘You could say that, although it is not technically accurate. I am intending to spend the rest of my life living in the female gender, and will soon start to take female hormones. In time I plan to undergo corrective surgery to give me female genitals, and, if necessary, undergo some plastic surgery to enhance my breasts. Eventually I will apply to be formally recognised as a woman.’

‘Are you sure it is the right thing to do?’

‘Absolutely certain’, she responded.

‘How long will it take?’

‘I think we are probably talking about a couple of years’ she answered.

‘When do reach the point of no return?’

‘Physically, it will be as soon as I can get my hands on some female hormones, but mentally, I think I have already passed that point some time ago. I would rather kill myself than go back to pretending to live as a guy.’

‘In that case, good luck to you,’ he said without betraying any surprise or other emotion. ‘I have never thought of you as anything other than a girl, but clearly it will be important for your own self-image.’

‘Thanks. I just want to be able to look at myself naked in a mirror and like what I see.’

‘So what was the second thing you wanted to tell me Denise?’

‘From now onwards, I am going to stop pretending about who I am, who I used to be, and who I am hoping to become. Jane’s husband now knows about my origins, and also probably his friend, so the topic may well crop up at dinner this evening.’

‘I see.’

‘Will you feel awkward once it becomes known that you have been dating a pre-op transsexual?’

He thought for a little before answering.

‘I don’t know. Jane and Samantha have known all the time, and that has never concerned me; but I am not sure how I will react once it becomes common knowledge among my family and workmates. We will just have to play it by ear.’

‘I am afraid that was the wrong answer John,’ thought Denise to herself. ‘I do not want to be a source of embarrassment to anyone. If you can’t be proud of me in front of your family, then it will be better that we part. The day I start taking oestrogen will be the day that we cease to be lovers.’

‘OK we will just have to play it by ear, starting from tonight.’