Devon, at least, thought he grew up a normal enough boy. He was the younger brother of Ilona, and the two of them got along very well. His grades were decent, but he was one of those kids who are mostly unnoticed. His classmates knew his name, but no one ever made an effort to befriend him. There was something about him that neither the guys nor the girls could figure out, so they left him alone.

After years of this he was used to being alone, though often he wished he had at least one friend. He wasn’t sure what it was about him that put people off. He dressed in normal clothes, didn’t have B.O. as far as he knew, and he was neat enough.

But there was something buried deep inside him that he barely was aware of: he was very interested in how girls looked. Granted, that’s a normal thing for a teenage boy, but he had a lot more interest in their clothes and how they fit than in their faces. Those were interesting too, but he marveled at the differences between the sexes. How could girls be shaped so differently? The body shape really made the clothes look great. What was it that made them cute, where similar features on a boy would make him look weird or too pretty? These sorts of thoughts went through his head all the time, but for him they were like simple background noise. It may have been that the girls thought he was ogling them, but he was looking more at their clothes than their physicality.

The deeper part of this went on at a mostly subliminal level inside Devon, and he never tried to dig deeper to find out exactly what it was about girls clothing that caught his interest. He was under the impression that what he was thinking was what everyone else was also thinking.

-o0o-

In university things started to change for him. In his French class there was a very nice girl, Lauren, who sat next to him, and she seemed to take an actual interest in him. She asked him if he’d like to study with her. He was surprised, but agreed.

As they slowly got to know each other she tried drawing him out, to find out who he really was. It was very hard work. All she could actually see was a very shy boy who hardly spoke. But he seemed to have a pleasant enough personality when they spent time together. He didn’t stare at her chest, which she appreciated.

For a while she wondered how interested he was in her, because he never ever took the initiative. Everything they did was her idea. He would almost always go along with whatever she suggested, but she somehow never got the impression he was a pushover. So they studied together, and sometimes went for meals. She felt comfortable and safe with him. She began to wonder how her three girlfriends would like him and decided to find out.

They had planned for a get together one Friday evening at her friend Marcie’s apartment, and she brought Devon along, having warned her friends ahead of time. Julia was a little put out to have a boy there, but Lauren asked her to just give him a chance.

When Devon arrived, with Lauren, he was surprised to find he was one of a group; he was certainly not used to more than one person at a time, and he was ill at ease for a while.

Pizzas were ordered and delivered, while the girls and Devon sat around just talking. Each of them attempted to get him to open up, but he was very close-mouthed. He felt he didn’t have much to contribute, and it was even harder to get him to talk in a group. When he got up to go to the bathroom the girls started talking to Lauren about him.

“Wow, he is really shy, isn’t he?”

“Does he ever talk to you, Lauren?”

“Do you know anything about him?”

“Okay, okay, yes, he’s shy, but he’s a really nice guy. We mostly study together, but frankly, no, I don’t know a whole lot about him.”

The sound of Devon returning made them shut up quickly. He could feel that conversation had been cut off as if by an axe blow when he returned, which made him more self-conscious.

Cindy decided to take a more demanding attitude, with direct questions. Maybe he would respond better.

“Hey Devon, where are you from?”

“Um, I’m from a small town in Wisconsin. I’m sure you’ve never heard of it.”

“Do you have any brothers or sisters?”

“Well, uh, I have an older sister, Ilona.”

“Yeah? Is she in college too?”

“She’s in her senior year at Carleton College, in Minnesota.”

“You two get along?”

“Um, yeah, sure.”

“What about girlfriends? Do you have a sweetheart back in your little town?”

Blushing, he admitted he did not.

Lauren thought this had gone on long enough, it was making Devon nervous again, and it wasn’t very productive. They were just facts.

“Why don’t we watch a movie, girls? Oh, sorry – and Devon.”

They all agreed, popcorn was made, and the movie, a so-called chick flick, was watched. Devon was somewhat exhausted from spending so much time with so many people. When the movie was over he took Lauren aside.

“Uh, Lauren, I’m going to go back to my dorm; I’m really tired.”

“Sure, Devon,” she said. “Thanks for coming.”

The rest of the group decided to watch another movie—it was Friday night, after all. They all bid him goodnight, and Devon was the only one to leave.

“Lauren, we need to do something to loosen him up. He’s a nice enough guy, but he’s just too tightly wound.”

“What if we invite him tomorrow when we go shopping?” asked Julia, who had decided she liked him okay.

“What guy wants to go shopping with a bunch of girls?” asked Marcie.

“Well, we can make it shopping, lunch, and…just strolling?” suggested Cindy.

“That could work,” said Lauren. I’ll ask him.” And she texted him Saturday morning.

-o0o-

Devon couldn’t think of a good reason not to go with them. He wasn’t sure about the shopping part and was thinking of asking if he could just meet them for lunch. He texted Lauren about it, and she said no, he needed to shop with them; they all liked him and wanted to spend time with him. He didn’t understand why that would be so, but he shrugged to himself and said okay.

As the girls walked along in the mall, they would stop at each clothing store to look in the window and comment on the clothes. Devon tried not to show how interested he was in the clothes too, but Lauren and Cindy both picked up on the direction of his stares. A few times a couple of the girls would go in and try something on while the rest of them waited outside with Devon. Both Lauren and Cindy had been shopping with a guy along before. Guys did not stand around patiently. Guys got antsy and would say, “I’ll meet you at the food court in a half hour, okay?” They hardly ever looked at the mannequins. As the day progressed, both of them noticed this pattern repeat at each clothing store, and both independently came to the same idea – that Devon was interested in the clothes himself.

As they had the night before they tried to include him in the talk, but he didn’t have much to say. Lauren didn’t want to embarrass him by asking what he thought of this dress or that skirt, and she asked the others not to question him either.

-o0o-

Cindy phoned Lauren that evening so she could find out her impressions.

“Did you notice Devon’s interest in the clothes, Lauren?”

“It was hard to miss, even though I’m sure he was trying not to be obvious about it.”

“My theory is that he’s either trans or a cross-dresser,” said Cindy, who was majoring in Psych. “But the way he acts he might be so buttoned up that he doesn’t even realize it.”

“I thought something similar. I’d like to do something to help him, because even though he’s good-natured, he doesn’t seem to know how to have fun.”

“I agree. But my guess is that if we just offered, like, to dress him, he’d be aghast and never agree to it. It might even drive him away.”

They both thought for a while.

“What if we…somehow put him in a position where he would feel he could experiment?”

“What do you mean?” asked Cindy.

“I’m not sure. Something like, oh, housesitting, and leave a bunch of clothes out. He’d have to be tempted, wouldn’t he? Or—what if we all contributed an article or two of clothing to be donated to a thrift shop and asked him to take it whenever he gets a chance?”

“The first idea would depend on how buttoned up he actually is, and how strong his moral sense is. I can see him being tempted, but thinking it’s wrong to do. The second idea sounds good, but how would we monitor this, or help?”

“Not sure, I only just thought of it. And the first idea has the problem that none of us have a house for him to housesit in. Marcie doesn’t even have a pet for him to pet-sit.”

“Costume party?”

“Or a situation where he would be forced to wear a dress. I once read a story where the boy was visiting his girlfriend in her bedroom when her parents arrived home, and he had to be disguised as a girl so her parents wouldn’t kill him,” said Lauren.

“Really? How realistic do you think that story actually was?” asked Cindy, with a snort of disbelief.

“Well, in that story the boy was pretty enough to pass, and not built like a linebacker.”

“Welllll, Devon is kind of slight, and I could actually see him looking like a girl, with better hair and some makeup.”

“But Cindy, isn’t the whole idea here to tempt him to do it himself, so he can discover this about himself?”

“Or what we suspect he might be like; there could be an entirely different explanation. You know, Lauren, there’s something else—I never actually felt like there was a boy with us today. He doesn’t exude BOYness. I’m not saying he exudes girliness either. Most guys wouldn’t have quietly gone along with us to all those shops.”

“You’re right. I hadn’t thought about it like that but it’s true.”

She was quiet for a minute.

“Okay, let’s think about it and see what we can come up with.”

-o0o-

Devon had enjoyed some parts of the shopping trip. Although he didn’t say much he was getting to enjoy the girls’ company, and it was interesting to be able to just stand there and look at the clothes. In a group it didn’t seem so odd as it would if he were to stand there alone—which he would, of course, never do. He was almost unaware of himself being the only boy in the group.

Anyhow, the clothes were just kind of fun to look at, especially when they were on mannequins. That was all.

-o0o-

The next day Lauren woke up with the perfect plan in her head. She knew Marcie was in the School of Fashion and hoped to design her own clothing line. Part of the coursework was designing a dress for herself for a relaxed kind of party situation. She required a dummy for some of the fitting but couldn’t afford one. She had already brought up the subject with her three friends.

“Do you guys know anyone who’s built like me? I need to do some work on my dress, and, as you know I have no dummy.”

None of them could think of a girl her height—5’9”—with similar measurements.

But now Lauren thought maybe Devon could do it. He looked to be the same height—maybe an inch shorter—and certainly didn’t seem to weigh any more than Marcie. She talked to Cindy about it and she agreed it could work. If they were going to try and do this, Marcie would definitely have to know. Julia? Well, not necessary to think about that right now.

After class that day Lauren and Cindy came to Marcie’s place to broach the subject.

“Marcie, we may know of someone you could use, but it’s kind of a delicate situation,” Cindy started.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, the person we’re thinking of is Devon.”

Marcie laughed. “Why in the world would Devon agree to this?”

They looked at each other again.

“We have the feeling he may be transgender. Maybe you didn’t notice, but during our shopping trip the other day he kept staring at all the clothes.”

“You know, I did notice that, but I didn’t know what to make of it.”

“We just thought we’d try to help him out and see if it’s something he might be open to. It might help him be a happier person, if he would recognize the feminine part of his nature.”

“Well, um, what if he doesn’t like it?”

“All he has to do is say no, he won’t do it,” said Lauren.

“Excuse me, Lauren, but to me it seems like he’ll do anything you ask him to,” said Marcie.

“Well then, I’ll try and make it plain that it’s his choice. Are you willing to let him do this?”

“I guess. I don’t care too much who does it as long as someone does. But you’re going to have to make it clear to him that he has to conform to my measurements. That might mean a cincher or corset, bra, padding… Still think he’d go for it?”

“Who knows, but I think we have to try. He’s a nice guy, but he doesn’t know how to enjoy himself.”

Marcie was a year or two older than the other girls, and a Junior. The idea of seeing Devon all dressed up was intriguing.

-o0o-

“Lauren, I don’t think we should give Devon any more information other than Marcie needs him to do this for her grade. If anything else comes of this, it’ll have to come from him, and how he feels dressed up.”

“I agree, Cindy. I’m going to ask him tomorrow.”

And after class the next day, Lauren asked him to come to a study nook, away from prying eyes and ears.

“Devon, I have a huge favor to ask you.”

“Uh, okay. What is it?”

“Our friend Marcie is making a dress for class—you know she’s in the Fashion school—and she needs someone to model it while she makes adjustments and does the hem. The rest of us racked our brains to think of someone who is her height and built kind of like her. You’re the only one I could think of who comes close. It wouldn’t take that long. Do you think you’d be willing to do it for her? She needs to get it done for her grade. And… don’t be afraid to say no.”

Devon’s face had gone through several interesting color changes as he considered this request, but Lauren could gather nothing from his expression. He didn’t really understand how a guy could have a similar build to a girl.

“Really? That’s the favor? I can’t believe she can’t find some other girl. She’s not all that unusually shaped or anything. It seems like a pretty strange thing for me to do.”

“Maybe if she had more time she could find such a girl, but with the time constraint I thought, well, we already know you, and you’re such a decent guy, maybe you’d do it.”

Devon sat and thought about it for a while. It was both exciting and terrifying to think about.

“Would this be at her apartment? ‘Cause I sure wouldn’t want anyone else to see me.”

“Yeah, at her place. I’d be there to help, so, just the three of us.”

That wasn’t strictly true—the plan would include Cindy ‘just stopping by’ and she would admire the final product, as well as help out psychologically if needed, but that could be a surprise.

Although very weird-sounding, it seemed like a safe enough thing to do, and Marcie had been pleasant to him.

“I suppose I could do it. Marcie seems nice, so I wouldn’t mind helping her out.”

Lauren gave a little shriek of happiness and leaned forward to give him a peck on the cheek. “Thanks so much! It’ll probably be fun. Girls’ clothes are a lot more interesting than guys’. So do you think you could do it tomorrow?”

“I guess. There’s nothing I have to do after classes.”

“Great! I will let her know we have found her a model!”

-o0o-

That night in his dorm Devon mused about this unexpected development. It might be fun to try. He could admit to himself that he had always admired girls’ clothes, even if he’d never had the urge to wear any. And it might be nice to help someone out of a jam. He had never before been in that position.

That evening Lauren and Cindy went shopping for a cincher, bra, inserts, padding – whatever they thought might be needed for this experiment.

-o0o-

When Devon showed up at Marcie’s apartment after class, Lauren met him at the door and led him in. There was some relaxing light jazz softly playing.

“I’m so glad you decided to help out,” she said.

“Hey Devon, thanks for helping me! I had no idea what I was going to do and I was getting desperate!” said Marcie.

He didn’t really know what to say, so he just said, “Um, no problem.”

“Okay, so first thing is I’ll need to measure you to see what we need to do for you to match me,” said Marcie, grabbing her measuring tape. “Please take off your shirt and pants.”

Devon hadn’t actually thought about the mechanics of how this would work, and he self-consciously shed the two items. Marcie measured his chest, waist, hips, shoulders, and a few other places. They got the bra on him and filled it until he matched Marcie’s bust. It was such an odd sensation. Nothing he had ever worn felt even remotely like the bra. The cincher went on next and felt a lot tighter than he would have imagined such a thing would be. His attention was drawn downward to the bra, and he fell into a sort of daydream state.

“Devon, pull these up,” said Lauren, handing him a pair of padded briefs. As if in slow motion he put them on. The girls added a bit of padding until they too matched Marcie’s shape and measurements. Devon was starting to feel the cold. Marcie noticed and said, “Don’t worry, the dress is next.”

She and Lauren took the dress and lowered it over him. It had a lining, which felt very nice, and a part of him noted that it felt excellent the way it tightened as she zipped it up.

“Marcie, that dress looks great already! And Devon, you look very good.”

Distracted, he turned to her. “What?”

“You look good in that,” Lauren repeated.

Blushing, he said, “Oh. Thank you.”

Lauren thought to herself that probably most boys wouldn’t say ‘thank you’ in such circumstances, perhaps another signal that Devon was transgender? Lauren asked Marcie to stand next to Devon so she could compare the body shapes. They were pretty darned close.

“So Devon, would you please stand on this box?”

Barefoot he stood up on the box and Marcie pinned the hem, which was about knee level. The skirt was full with soft folds. The bodice was fitted and had a vee-shaped neckline, and the sleeves ended near his elbows in little ruffles. Marcie cast a critical eye on the rest of the dress to see how well it fit. There was a very minor place that could use a little tuck, and then the hem and that was it.

Devon was still in his little dream, very much enjoying having the dress on.

“Hey Devon, you should see yourself,” said Lauren. “Come with me,” she said, grabbing his hand. He stepped off the box and she led him to the hallway where there was a full-length mirror. He took a look, starting at the feet, and slowly went up the body, liking what he saw. Lauren saw his smile falter as he reached his head.

“Kind of spoils the effect,” he mumbled.

“Aw, no, you don’t look bad at all. Here, let me change your hair,” she said. Without waiting for a response she grabbed her brush out of her back pocket (strategically put there moments earlier) and parted his hair in the middle. Just that simple thing made a lot of difference, and he felt the smile returning.

Lauren observed him.

“How do you feel?” she asked.

“I, um, I’m not sure.”

“Don’t you think you look nice?”

“Well, yes, I kinda think I do.”

“Good, because I do too. You look very natural, and that’s such a great dress.”

“It is nice, isn’t it? I think Marcie’s going to get an excellent grade on this.”

To Lauren that also seemed like something an average guy wouldn’t have said, at least not while wearing the dress. And she also wasn’t used to Devon offering opinions.

He still hadn’t taken his eyes off the girl in the mirror.

“I think some dark pantyhose would totally complete the look. What do you say?”

“Uhhh, well, why not?”

While they were in the hallway Cindy had arrived, and when they came back out Devon halted and was kind of shocked back into reality. He turned very red.

“I thought you said it was just going to be us three,” he whispered to Lauren.

“Sorry, I didn’t know she was coming over,” she lied.

When Cindy caught sight of him, she enthusiastically said, “Wow, you look great! And Marcie, that dress is an amazing design!” It was as if he was just another girl she knew. Accepting, pleasant. She seemed sincere. He relaxed.

“We were just going to see how it looks with some pantyhose,” said Lauren.

“Hold on,” said Marcie, “I have a coffee-colored pair he can wear,” and she went to her bedroom to get the package the other two girls had bought the night before.

Lauren led Devon to a chair and had him carefully sit down. She explained to him how to put on the pantyhose. Marcie soon returned with them and handed them over. He just looked at them stupidly. Lauren took them from his hands and started bunching one leg up.

“See? Just bunch it up like this and slowly draw it up your leg,” she said gently.

He did so, enjoying the sensation. Then he bunched up the other leg and pulled them fully on. Lauren had him stand up again.

“Oh yeah! That’s much better.”

“Definitely,” said Cindy.

“Let’s go to the mirror again.” And she led him back, unresisting.

He had to admit that the hose really made the whole picture better.

Lauren noticed he still mostly kept away from looking at his face.

“Devon, would you be interested in trying some makeup?” she asked very quietly.

“Makeup…” he repeated slowly. Would he? Well, he was already wearing all the rest of it, might as well go whole hog?

“Why not?” he agreed.

Lauren brought him back out. “Cindy, do you have your makeup kit with you?”

This was also preplanned, so she was fully ready.

“Sure. Have a seat here, Devon.”

Marcie interrupted at this point.

“Hey, do you mind if I do the hemming and alterations on that dress while you work? I have another dress you can wear in the meantime.”

“Sure,” said Cindy.

He was very reluctant to take it off, but, after all, there were pins in it. They went into Marcie’s bedroom and she unzipped it and carefully pulled it off of him.

“The one I have in mind needs a slip, so here, put this on,” she said, handing him a full slip. It slid down his body with a delicious feeling and she then showed him the second dress, which was long-sleeved, and the hem was just a bit longer. The two helped him on with it and zipped him up. Again he loved that feeling, and smiled. This dress felt good too.

Lauren led him back to the living room, and they sat down by Cindy, who said, “You look so nice in that!”

Cindy spent about twenty minutes on his face, blending here and there, working on the eyes, and the end result was very satisfying for the girls.

“Ready to see yourself again?” asked Lauren.

He nodded, and the two of them went back to the mirror.

The difference was unbelievable, he thought. The girl in the mirror looked very attractive. He looked at her, and then at Lauren, and back again. Lauren had a questioning look.

“I—I love it,” he said softly.

“I’m glad,” she said, “because you do look fantastic.”

He smiled at her. Once back in the living room Cindy and Lauren started chatting, trying, as usual, to include him, and this time he actually did try and join in the conversation. He felt different in some way… freer to express himself. And for a guy used to not having any friends, this was just so different. They were nice to him and seemed to accept him, as if a boy in a dress and makeup was nothing unusual.

In what seemed like no time at all Marcie had finished her alterations and he changed back into the original dress. With the hem finished and the little tuck done it looked good, and the girls all admired it. For some reason Devon struck a pose. They all laughed, and Marcie said, “You go, girl!” To his surprise that made him smile.

He thought back to when he spent so much time thinking about the differences between boys and girls, and about how he never had any friends because of something people sensed about him. He wondered now if it was that he was somehow… girly?, without realizing it, and that put people off? He didn’t actually want to think that, but right now he was feeling totally comfortable, looking and acting like a girl. What did this all mean?

The girls noticed that he had suddenly lost the smile, and was looking very pensive.

“What’s going on, Devon? Are you okay?” asked Cindy.

He looked at her, kind of bewildered, and his eyes welled with tears.

Cindy and Lauren came over to him and hugged him, then Marcie joined in. They sat him down on the couch, with Cindy and Lauren on either side with their arms around him.

“What’s wrong, Devon?” asked Lauren.

“I’m not sure. I feel like I’m finding out something about myself that I didn’t know. It’s kind of a shock.”

“Can you tell us what it is?” asked Cindy, ever the Psych student.

He gathered his thoughts. “I don’t understand it but I feel totally comfortable made up and dressed up like this,” he said. “I thought I was a normal boy, but right now I feel like, like a—a normal girl. When I was growing up I never had any friends. People just seemed to find something odd about me. Did they think I was gay or something? Now I wonder if this is what it was. Like, did they sense a girl, but I looked like a boy? I don’t know what to make of it.”

None of them had ever heard such a long speech from him.

“Devon,” said Cindy, very gently, “I think these thoughts and feelings are worth looking into more deeply, and it would be worthwhile for you to see a counselor at the university. For what it’s worth, I think you almost seem like a different personality.”

He looked at her. “I think I feel like a different person. But I don’t know how that can happen from just putting on some clothes.”

“I think it’s a little bit more than just the clothes, Devon. Right now you are coming across like an attractive young woman. If it was only clothes, I don’t think that would be the case. Everything about you right now says you’re female, your emotions, the way you’re sitting, even the way you’re using your voice…”

“This is what was wrong with me???”

Suddenly a terrible feeling of self-loathing hit him like a slap in the face. What in the world was he doing? Sitting there dressed like a girl, crying, thinking about being a girl. “I need to get out of this stuff!!” he blurted out.

The girls were shocked. This is the same person who said they felt comfortable a minute ago?

“You want to take the dress off?”

“Yes! Everything! I can’t believe I let myself be talked into this! What’s wrong with me? I’m a guy! Guys don’t dress up like girls!”

While the others sat there with their jaws hanging open, Cindy, who knew this change of heart was within the realm of possibility, calmly said, “It’s okay, Devon. Turn around and I’ll unzip you.”

He felt like he couldn’t get out of the dress fast enough.

“Hey! Careful with that, please. I can’t get a grade on it if it’s ripped,” pleaded Marcie.

“Sorry, but I need it all off right now.” She and Lauren helped get the dress off him, and Lauren loosened the cincher.

“Where are my clothes?” he asked, almost in a panic.

“They’re right here. Please calm down.”

He was so freaked out that he changed right in front of them. Once he had his clothes back on, Cindy handed him some cold cream and he quickly and messily wiped his face off. Then he almost ran for the door and was out of it in a second.

As the metaphorical dust was settling, Lauren asked, “What the hell just happened?”

“It’s a reaction you can get sometimes,” said Cindy, rather sadly. “With some guys they build up a wardrobe of clothes, and then suddenly something will trigger a kind of self-hate, or guilt, and they purge it all. After they calm down they might build up another wardrobe. It’s a sad commentary on how screwed up our society’s view of gender and sexual roles can be. They think, ‘I shouldn’t be doing this! It’s wrong!’ and that sets the cycle in motion. Poor Devon. I thought things were going pretty well.”

“He really liked what he was seeing and how he felt. I just can’t understand how that could change so fast.”

“It seemed to have to do with what he thought was wrong with him growing up. There must be a lot of buried feelings in there. I have to warn you, Lauren, that he might try and avoid you now. He might want to avoid everything associated with what we did today.”

“Great! Now I don’t know whether to be sorry we did this or glad he discovered something.”

“We can only hope that ultimately it will help him somehow.”

-o0o-

When Devon ran out of Marcie’s apartment he had no idea where he was going, other than getting away from the situation. His heart was beating fast and he felt some panic. How could he go from feeling so good to feeling so awful in two seconds? The dress felt…great on him, and he loved the look Cindy had created with the makeup. But guys didn’t do things like that!! There had to be something wrong with him to enjoy that.

Maybe her idea about seeing an on-campus counselor was a good idea. Maybe the counselor could get this ridiculous idea out of his head.

-o0o-

When he did go to see the counselor, he first got her assurance that everything said there was confidential. He sat in her office and poured out his story, which got him agitated again.

The counselor, Jamie Scott, assured him that there was nothing sick or wrong in what he had done. “They were just clothes, Devon. You liked how they felt, and there is nothing at all wrong with that. In this culture we are taught that it’s wrong, against nature, etc., but that’s not the real truth. The bigots and religious zealots who say it’s wrong are just fearful people. You’d be surprised how some of the loudest voices of conservatism are some of the worst offenders—I don’t mean just in gender terms, but more often than you’d think, they’re breaking the law in some way, or treating other people abominably, none of which is an instruction in the religious books they hold so dear. Even non-zealots can be extremely judgmental about these things.”

He had calmed down a bit during that speech.

“Do you know why you think it’s wrong for you to do?”

“Well, no, not exactly. It just suddenly felt like I had this overwhelming feeling I was doing something incredibly terrible—something I shouldn’t be doing.”

“It would be useful if you could pin down the original voice that generated those feelings. Did you ever dress up as a young child?”

He opened his mouth to say no, but suddenly a hidden memory bobbed up. He was probably about five, and they were at his aunt Peggy’s house. He was playing with her daughter Cassie, and she somehow got him to wear a dress, and he liked it. When they were discovered, innocently playing and having a lot of fun, the adults started yelling angrily. He was jerked to his feet and the dress was forcibly removed. Then he was spanked—hard.

Jamie could tell something had happened from Devon’s expression, that he was reliving some old memory.

“My god, did that actually happen?”

“Do you want to tell me what you were remembering, Devon?”

He related the vignette to her.

“Devon, trauma like this at such an early age has a way of affecting us for years. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if that was what motivated you to get out of those clothes at your friend’s house. It sounds like you were just on the verge of discovering something about your gender identity when this angry voice intruded and told you what you were doing was wrong.”

“Are you sure it isn’t wrong?”

“I’m sure. Of course going down this path could bring challenges of its own, but to me it sounds as if for you, it’s worth exploring.”

“Wow. I came here thinking you would tell me there was something wrong with me and help me fix it. This…this is not at all what I expected.”

“Tell me, Devon, when you were all dressed and made up, and you and the girls were talking, did you join in?”

Thinking back, he could see that yes, he had. “Yeah. That’s kind of unusual for me. But I really felt like a whole different person there, for a while.”

“See Devon, that is healthy. It’s another side of you coming to the fore. If you can integrate the female side with the male side, you will be more of a whole person, holistically speaking.”

“Ms. Scott, you’ve given me a lot to think about. I think I have about as much in my head as I can take right now.”

She smiled. “Don’t work too hard on this. Let it kind of settle in your mind and think about it tomorrow or the next day.”

“Okay. Thank you very much,” he said, and left.

-o0o-

He tried to follow Jamie Scott’s advice, but as he went about his day his thoughts kept returning to being dressed up and how good it felt, how happy he was, at least for a moment. In French class he didn’t sit next to Lauren, not because he didn’t like her anymore, but because he just needed time to consider everything he and Jamie had talked about, and he needed to do it at his own pace.

She headed for him after class, looking sad, but he stopped her.

“Lauren, whatever you’re going to say, please just remember it. I am still processing all this and when I’m done thinking about it we can talk, okay?”

She looked at him thankfully and nodded yes. She was happy he hadn’t decided to sever their whole relationship. She told Cindy what had happened, and she thought that sounded pretty good.

“He does need time to think about all of this. It’s a big deal when a boy finds out he feels more comfortable as a girl.”

“I can’t even imagine what it would be like to feel more comfortable as the opposite sex. It just doesn’t compute for me.”

“As hard as it is, Lauren, try to imagine what Devon’s going through. He’s actually faced with it. He knows what it feels like but thinks it’s very wrong. I hope he went to see a counselor.”

-o0o-

Devon went for a long walk with the express purpose of trying to figure this out. It was hard to know where to begin to figure out what all this meant. Let’s see…in chronological order then, he had worn as dress as a little kid and apparently liked it, but then was punished, and he didn’t even know why. But maybe the fact of the punishment is what triggered his interest in girls’ clothes to start with? Then he was given the opportunity to wear a dress again, and had enjoyed himself, he had to admit. It made him feel like a different, better person. Then those stupid, ancient, angry voices made him feel guilty and terrible for doing it. Those voices needed to go! Thinking about it rationally, there was actually nothing wrong with putting those clothes on. Maybe it was like… putting on a costume and getting into a role.

Somewhere in there he knew that the angry voices were very likely his parents, and that the odds were they’d still disapprove of that kind of behavior. Well…he was of legal age and could do what he wanted. However, since they were paying for his education he wouldn’t mention this. If he were to do it again, he’d keep it to himself, at least until he was through being dependent on them.

And did he want to do it again? It was certainly very tempting. It made him feel…happy, and now that he thought about it, that wasn’t something he was used to feeling. ‘Man, I am such a mess!’ he said to himself. ‘Do I need to see Jamie Scott again?’

He was surprised to find he’d completely circled the campus, which was pretty spread out.

-o0o-

A week later Lauren and Cindy were walking to the dining hall and ran into Devon. He greeted them with a smile.

“Are you okay, Devon?” asked Lauren.

“Yes, thank you. I’ve been working on trying to understand all this, and I’ve been to see a counselor a few times. I’m sorry I ran out on you guys.”

She put a hand on his arm. “It’s okay. We knew something was going on with you. You seemed so happy, and then suddenly you seemed to freak out.”

“Yeah, that was some old, dead voices telling me what I was doing was wrong and was from something that happened when I was a little kid. But I’m finding out how to ignore them. I really did enjoy dressing up. That was a wonderful experience.”

“You actually seem a lot happier now, Devon.”

“I’m learning ‘to integrate the female and male parts of my personality,’ to quote my counselor.”

“And you’re talking more too!”

“Well, uh, maybe that’s the female side of me.”

They laughed at him. “SURE it is, Devon!”

He actually laughed along with them. Then he got serious.

“Listen, if, by some chance, I wanted to dress up again, how do you think I would go about it?”

Both girls were a little surprised; they somehow hadn’t expected this.

“Well, um, we know your sizes, so we could probably find something for you at the thrift shop. How’s that?”

“It sounds good. I’m kind of curious if those dead voices are going to try and ruin it for me again, or whether now that I know they’re there and what they are, they’ll shut up. However, I don’t think my dorm room is a good place for me to dress up.”

“That sounds like a very good experiment, Devon,” said Cindy. “And yeah, the dorm doesn’t seem good for this. We can ask Marcie if she’d mind if you do it at her place. I really don’t think she would have a problem.”

“Thank you. I appreciate that. How much money do you think you’ll need?”

-o0o-

Lauren and Cindy did go shopping for him at the thrift shop and had fun trying to figure out what might look good on him. There were some fun old fashions there, and they got him two dresses. They had neglected to ask his shoe size, but that could wait for another time, assuming there would be one. All the rest of what they had bought was still at Marcie’s place.

-o0o-

At Marcie’s that weekend they fitted him out again in all the padding that went into giving him a figure like Marcie’s, and they helped him into the new dress. He shivered with pleasure as it was zipped up.

Cindy again did his makeup, and it made him happy to see how he looked. Then the four of them just sat and talked. Half his mind was waiting and waiting to see if he would feel that awful, wrong feeling again, but after thirty minutes, nothing had happened. He was joining in on the conversation, even if they were subjects he knew little about, just asking questions and being a part of the talk. At forty minutes he was still just fine.

“Cindy, do you think that just realizing what happened to me when I was a kid stopped that terrible feeling from happening?”

“It’s possible. Before it was hidden but affecting you. Now that you know it’s there it has lost some of its power.”

“Good!”

The other three marveled at how different this person seemed from the Devon they had met before. She (?) was more outgoing, joining in the talk where Devon would have either said nothing or would have to be addressed directly. She smiled much more than Devon too. Although she didn’t look one hundred percent female, she easily came across as a young woman.

After two hours they all considered this experiment a success. Devon slowly and carefully got out of the clothes and underthings. He knew this wasn’t the last time he’d wear female clothing.

-o0o-

The next day he ran into Cindy at the student union and told her he’d like to talk to her.

“Sure, Devon. Is now good?”

“Yeah, it’s fine.” Looking around he steered them towards an empty table.

“I wanted to ask if you would be willing to give me lessons in makeup. You seem like you’re excellent at it.”

“Um, well, sure, and thank you. I’d be happy to show you what I know.”

She made out a short list of what she thought he’d need for basics.

“Uh, Cindy, if I gave you the money, would you please go buy these for me? I’d feel too self-conscious to do it. And I’m definitely not going outside when I’m dressed up!”

“I could do that for you, Devon. But don’t be too sure you won’t be going outside! You just never know!”

He gave her a funny look.

-o0o-

The lessons with Cindy proceeded for a couple of weeks, until he had the basics down, and was satisfied with the look he could create.

He didn’t have a whole lot of money, but he started buying clothes himself online, mostly thrift shop things. The girls were very helpful, and when they were together and he was dressed, they coached him in feminine behavior. Eventually he felt brave enough to go out with Lauren and her friends. By the time he graduated he was more confident as both Devon and as Diane, his chosen femme name.

With him becoming more content, his personality blossomed a bit, and Lauren found him more attractive. The two became an item through the rest of their college years. They had yet to make plans for staying together post-graduation, but both were hoping they would.

-o0o-

After graduation Devon moved back to his hometown and was able to land a technology-based job right away. He moved into his own place, where he could dress when he liked.

One day he went over to his folks’ house to visit his mother and decided to bring up his memory of the past.

“Where’s dad?”

“He’s golfing. Did you want something from him?”

“No, no, just curious. Listen mom, there’s something I want to ask you about. When I was about five years old, I have this memory of being at Aunt Peggy’s house. Cassie and I were playing, and some way or other she got me to wear a dress.”

“Oh yes, Devon, we certainly heard about that from Aunt Peggy and Uncle Bill! They seemed kind of shaken up by it.”

Devon was confused at this. He was so sure his parents were there.

“But…um, well, what I remember is that some adults came into the room where we were playing and started yelling and screaming. Someone yanked me up by the arm and practically tore that dress off me. Then they spanked me so hard I couldn’t sit down. I just always thought…that wasn’t you and Dad??”

“Devon, we weren’t even in town. We had dropped you off there while we went somewhere—now I don’t recall where. When we got back Bill was ranting about what had happened, but it didn’t seem like a big deal to us. Bill has always been kind of homophobic. There are a lot of little boys who experiment with girls’ clothes, or their sisters end up getting them into a dress; it’s nothing unusual. I don’t think we knew you had been hit like that.”

This was somewhat of a shock. He had been blaming his parents for causing the trauma back then, but they were innocent, and didn’t even think there was anything wrong with it! Did this mean he could tell them he now dressed up on his own? Or would it just be safer to keep the secret? His mom seemed very comfortable with the idea… oh, what the heck.

“I hadn’t remembered about it at all until a couple of years ago.” He looked at his mother carefully, then continued. “At college, a few friends dressed me up, and I was feeling really good. I loved the way I looked, and I felt…different, better. Then all of a sudden I felt like I was doing something very wrong, awful, and I couldn’t get out of the clothes fast enough.”

She looked at him sympathetically.

“I felt so weird about it all that I went to see a counselor, and that’s when the memory resurfaced. She told me something like that can cause trauma for years!”

“I’m sorry, Devon. For what it’s worth we never left you alone over there again. So you discovered you like to dress up? Are you still doing it?”

“Uh, well yes I am. And the whole process of doing it has helped me to become a more whole person.”

She smiled. “You have seemed happier for the last couple years. You speak up more too.”

“I’m still working on integrating the female and male sides of my personality. That was something the counselor helped me with.”

“Are you…transgender?”

“Mom, I’m trying not to put any labels on how I feel or who I am. I’m just a guy who is trying to become whole. If you’re asking if gender reassignment surgery is in my future, I think I can say with a lot of certainty that no, it isn’t.”

“Well, it sounds like a worthwhile journey you’re on. I hope it doesn’t cause you any trouble or heartache.” She took his hand and looked him in the eye. “And honey? Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me about this.”

He smiled. “Thanks mom.”

-o0o-

Two months later Devon’s phone vibrated. There was a text from Marcie.

“Moving to your town!”

This was welcome news. Marcie had always treated him nicely, and he had always enjoyed her company.

There was a small college in Devon’s town, and she had landed a job as a teacher in their fashion and design school.

He texted her back that it was great news and he’d like to see her. They made arrangements to meet. She came into town and he went with her to look at apartments. He steered her to a part of town he thought she might like. It wasn’t that far from where he lived, and had some eclectic-type shops he thought she might enjoy. The second place they looked at she thought would suit her perfectly, and she put a deposit down. They found they were getting along very well, and maybe there was something more…

When they stopped for lunch at a diner, Marcie had some news.

“Did you know that Lauren has been seeing some guy? And that it’s kind of serious?”

“Well, no, I didn’t,” he said. “Haven’t heard from her lately.”

“Oh, sorry. She thinks it’s the Real Thing,” she said, then realizing how that might have come across to Devon. “That’s not to say that what you had with her wasn’t,” she quickly added, reaching across to put a hand on his.

“Oh, it’s fine. We enjoyed our time together, but it was never clear how it was going to work with us in separate cities.” He was just a little hurt, but he was happy for Lauren.

“I’m glad there’s someone I know in this town, Devon. It really is nice to see you again.”

That put a smile on his face.

“You too, Marcie.”

-o0o-

Marcie made the move and got settled into her new job. Devon came over many times to help her get things situated in the new apartment. They were both feeling the beginnings of an attraction to each other. This became more apparent to both when she hugged him before he left her one day. The hug somehow lasted longer than just a friendly hug.

“Hey, um, Devon?”

“Yeah?”

“Have you seen…Diane lately?”

His eyebrows rose. “Actually, no; it’s been several weeks.”

“I’d… really like to see her again,” said Marcie.

The sentence floated to the floor like a feather and lay there, undisturbed, while Devon, still hugging her, thought how this might work. Although he had gone out with the girls while at college, stepping outside dressed up in his hometown was a whole different proposition.

Finally he said, “Well, maybe you could come over to my place. She’s usually there…when she’s around, that is.”

“I’d like that.”

“Maybe we could, I don’t know, have a meal in?”

“Sure,” she smiled. “Sounds good!” She had never told Devon that she had a thing for Diane. He had seemed more interested in Lauren at the time, so she set her feelings aside. But now that Lauren was otherwise engaged, Devon was free to pursue other romantic attachments.

-o0o-

Devon invited Marcie over for a Friday evening dinner. He didn’t know how to cook many dishes, but he could certainly whip up some sort of pasta dish. He also made a tossed salad and bought a loaf of fresh Italian bread but didn’t know what else to serve. Marcie was his very first dinner guest. He got a few things ready and then transformed himself into Diane. He was finding himself excited about having Marcie over. That hug had really been nice!

Diane came into the kitchen and put an apron on over her dress. She checked on the food and set the table.

Right on time the doorbell rang and Diane went to get it. She had to look up into Marcie’s eyes. Marcie knew Diane preferred flats to heels, and she wanted to feel a bit dominant tonight, so she wore three-inch heels. She also had on a very nice dress of her own design. She leaned over and kissed Diane’s cheek. Diane felt herself blushing as she kissed Marcie back and felt a sort of thrill from the contact.

“Please come in. I’m glad you could make it.”

“Thanks, Diane. Wouldn’t have missed it! You look terrific.” It had been quite a while since Marcie had seen Diane, and she looked just as good as Marcie remembered. Maybe better.

“Thanks, but you look so much better than I do.”

Marcie took off her coat, and Diane hung it up. She handed Diane a bottle of Zinfandel, then put her arm around Diane’s shoulders and squeezed as they walked to the kitchen. Diane was thinking Marcie really seemed to like her, like more than she remembered.

“Something smells yummy!”

“Thanks. It’s just pasta and salad. It’s about all I know how to make.”

“I’m looking forward to it.”

When the meal was ready, Diane brought it to the table. While she was getting it Marcie had adjusted the lighting to be much dimmer, and more romantic. She really wanted to make an impression on Diane.

It was a romantic dinner, and Diane felt excitement about being in Marcie’s company. She wasn’t much of a drinker, but Marcie made sure she had at least two glassfuls of the wine, so she felt very relaxed. They spent a lot of time just looking at each other. Diane told her how she had been mistaken about who had yelled at her and spanked her when she was five, and how her mother was okay with her dressing.

“I’m happy things worked out for you, Diane. That must have been a weight off your mind to find out your folks were innocent.”

“It really was, thanks. Maybe it also explains why I never much liked Uncle Bill!”

With the meal over she stood up to clear the table, but Marcie stopped her.

“Why don’t you leave those for later? Let’s go sit on the couch.”

That sounded like a good idea. They sat down next to each other and Marcie put her arm around Diane and nuzzled her neck and behind her ear. She didn’t know exactly how much of the lead she could take with Diane, but she was hoping to find out. Marcie had read books about birth order, and figured it was probably going to be helpful that Diane had an older sister while Marcie had a younger brother.

“I’ve always liked you, Diane, and I’d like to get to know you better.”

Diane smiled dreamily at her.

“I seriously had no idea, Marcie, but I always liked you too.”

Now it was Marcie’s turn to smile. She pulled Diane’s chin over and kissed her. Diane relaxed further and gave herself to the kiss. She had enjoyed kissing Lauren, but this seemed like something altogether different, a different and higher level of intimacy. Though she was relaxed thanks to the wine, she also felt as if her senses were heightened. She turned towards Marcie and put her arms around Marcie’s neck as the kiss lasted longer and longer.

They continued to kiss and cuddle for an hour, until Diane said, “Marcie, I am really loving this, but I feel like I’m going to fall asleep in your arms.”

“I like that idea a lot, Diane. Would you like me to spend the night here?”

Diane smiled. “Yes I would, very much.”

“Then let me get my bag out of my car. You can put the dishes in the sink and let them soak so you don’t need to use a jackhammer on them tomorrow, but don’t wash them. Just go get ready for bed.”

“Um, okay,” Diane said, getting up.

Marcie let herself out, leaving the door unlocked, and was back quickly with her overnight bag, brought along because she had hoped for this turn of events.

Diane was in the bedroom, just sitting on the bed. She was a little more alert from moving around, but still felt like falling asleep. Marcie got on the bed behind her and unzipped her dress.

“Go wash yourself, hon,” said Marcie, patting her on the shoulders.

Marcie got herself undressed and walked into the bathroom as Diane was finishing up with her teeth. She held Diane’s waist, leaning against her as she brushed, and they smiled at each other through the mirror.

Once all the ablutions were finished they got into bed together and Diane’s head was on Marcie’s shoulder, her nose buried in Marcie’s neck. She wasn’t dressed anymore, but she still felt like Diane. She would have thought more about that but she was comfortable being cradled by Marcie. She was enjoying Marcie’s personal smell and it wasn’t long before she was out like a light.

“Wow,” whispered Marcie, “you really have a low tolerance for alcohol.”

She looked at Diane sleeping peacefully next to her and smiled. This was where she wanted to be, in bed with this lovely person. She had enjoyed seeing the awakening of Diane, and in fact back when Lauren had suggested Devon as the dress model, she couldn’t wait to see it happen. Over the next year, as Devon became more comfortable with the two sides of his personality, and stopped being the painfully shy boy she was first introduced to, she found him an extremely pleasant and helpful person. She liked it a lot when he would come over to her place to change to Diane.

-o0o-

Devon awoke with Marcie cuddled behind him, with her arm on his tummy. Just the thought of that made him very happy. He put his arm over hers and smiled to himself. As he waited for her to wake up, he realized he still felt like Diane, and pondered that for a while. Why did he feel like that when he didn’t even have any of Diane’s clothes on? Obviously it wasn’t all about the clothes. Marcie had treated him tenderly and had taken the lead. He had quite naturally fallen into the passive role, and realized he was enjoying it. He felt like turning around and hugging Marcie, but he didn’t want to wake her. Then he felt her kissing his neck, so he smiled and flipped over.

They enjoyed each other’s bodies and closeness for a while, as they kissed. Then Marcie turned him on his back and lay on top of him. “You’re my girl now, Diane, and I’m going to want to see you a lot more often.”

Diane smiled at her and felt the pieces of her life fall into place.

The End.

Thank you, Dee Sylvan, for services rendered!