I met someone.

Three little words but the effect on my life in enormous.

I met someone who is loving and gentle and accepting. He calls me gorgeous and I have to do all in my power not to tell him "I appreciate it when you lie." He would correct me on that if I did. He likes to build me up and is steering me away from my self deprecating humor.

The relationship is growing slowly. It is something new to me. I'm not use to someone considering my needs, not use to someone who wants to foster something that will last a lifetime. I'm use to be abused and used and discarded. I hate to say it like this, but there is a comfort in familiarity, even when what you are accustomed to is horrible. This is new to me, but with him by my side, I am not anxious or scared.

He took me to church today and I wore my green dress. That is a huge step for me. I didn't feel condemned or like my skin was on fire. I just sat in the back and enjoyed the service (I sat in the back because I worked all night and was afraid of yawning or something, not out of embarrassment). He showed me off. I've never been showed off before, never felt like I was a prize. It's strange going from being a discarded used tissue to a work of art.

We talk a lot. Talking is amazing. We talk and we share and we laugh. Of God do we laugh. I feel safe, a wanted, and valued when we talk. He stares at me. Looks me in my eyes. Smiles in the quirky way that says he is thinking something devious but won't act upon it. I use to think that sex was the ultimate achievement in a relationship. How wrong I was. I don't yearn for sex, I look forward for the times when he grabs my hand and strokes my forearm. My wet dreams have been replaced with a desire just to be held and to feel safe.

I am learning so much about myself, and of life. I write this to encourage others, not to gloat about my good fortune. Many have followed my blogs, have seen the horrors I've been through, shared my misery. But I'm on the other side now and though life is not without issue, I am much better off. I hid for so long, stayed in the closet until it became my prison, that I never new what life held outside of those four walls. I was afraid that I would be seen as a freak, that people would ridicule and reject me to the point of death. I was wrong. I don't know where people are on their journey and I know many hide who they really are from everyone. My suggestion is to not do it on your own. The first people I told robbed me blind, but that first step led me to a second and it led me to a third which eventually led me to him.

I use to wish that my life had turned out differently. I say use to, because I don't feel that way anymore. All the crap, all the abuse, all the unkind words and legal battles and homelessness and a million other events that use to bring me tears, have led me to be exactly where I am today. I am finally me, and I am happy. I wouldn't trade that for the world. For the first time in my life I feel content, and I never thought that was possible.