An important message for all here at Top Shelf

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I've been online for over ten years now. From the very beginning it amazed me that the level of acceptance and compassion was as high as it was, and is.

I, like so many others, thought I was the only one in the world who felt the way I did. Confused, uncertain of who and what I was, frightened of the consequences of changing my entire life and cowed by the sheer magnitude of the task before me.

One dark night, I decided to end it all, but felt that the few who I had interacted with deserved at least a goodbye. I messaged them on ICQ, and we talked far into the night into the early morning hours. They refused to let me go, and talked me out of shuffling off this mortal coil.

From there, I began therapy for clinical depression and severe stress reactions brought on partly from my gender confusion and partly by the loss of my best friend, my job, and my Father. Put on some anti depression meds, I soon realized that artificial means were not the way out of what was at fault within me, and I began to write.

At first it was just a way to partially fulfill a lifetime of WANTING to be a writer, then it became a way of entertaining others and myself. Eventually it evolved into a way into my inner self... a way to express the me I finally knew had been suppressed all my life. I had, as I said, thought I was the only one like me. To realize that I was NOT alone was the turning point of my life.

Along the way, the comments on what I wrote, which were at first just ego candy, became commentary on a life I wanted, needed for myself. I made many, many friends online, some of whom have since passed away, some who have simply vanished, and others who are still here.

I've experienced a couple of life dreams. One of being a published writer, thanks to Erin, and one of attending a conference which changed my life even more.

There have been more people along the way who have helped me, supported me, encouraged me, and some who have figuratively kicked my ass when it was needed. To name them all would run into more space than is allowed here, so if I may, I'd just like to say thank you... all of you, for accepting me, for befriending me, for giving freely of your hearts, minds, wallets, and time.

Without ALL of you out there in cyberland, Catherine Linda Michel would not even be here, let alone who she is today. Along the way I think I have helped a few, diminishing the debt I know I owe to all of you, at least I hope I have.

I WAS a selfish, confused, horrible example of what a person should be. With the help I have received from ALL of you, I have become a more caring, compassionate, sharing person and I have no words sufficient enough to express my gratitude.

From my heart, THANK YOU... every single one of you who took me into your hearts and in at least one case, your homes, and helped me become a better person. YOU are the reason I became who I am today.

Very humbly, I am,
Catherine Linda Michel.

Comments

I don't believe in any of the gods.

But I can't believe that our purpose in life is to commit suicide as soon as we are capable of it :-)
So I'm glad that you are here. Life is short enough as it is.
I still don't understand 99% of things going on around me. But it makes my life interesting and whatever happens around, I'm still eager to read next page of my life's story. And yes, I love long serials :-) Hate drabbles and moderately despise short stories :-)

Thanks, Cathy

erin's picture

You've been a help and inspiration to many yourself. :)

Hugs,
Erin

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.

It is I who owe you, dear heart...

Andrea Lena's picture

...you have given me strength and encouragement and hope, and for that I am truly blessed and grateful. Thank you!

  

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena

Hugs from here, too, Cathy

I've shared some time with you and many of the other friends you mentioned with you.

It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.

Holly

I wouldn't call it selfish.

I wouldn't call it selfish. It's rather hard to be generous and kind if you're miserable yourself. I'm really glad people helped you and talked you out of it. It's good that you're here now and that a time of weakness didn't end you.

Agreed...

An I was there myself around 6 months ago, but I'd been on BC a lot longer.

Writing is OK, with my depression it seems to have tapered off. I may start back, right after I can start reading again (some progress there).

When I decided to live was when I contacted a GT, so I do understand, totally. I have not officially begun transition, but then again, maybe I have. I am taking spiro for blood pressure, and it has caused some definite changes of it's own. Spiro is a t-blocker, most of us are very familiar with it. I no longer seem to have a strong smell, my socks no longer stink, for example. I am told this is a common side effect.

If I can ever get my weight down I'll start the estrogen part. Not until then.

Funny thing, with the exception of one or two people (all trans) my closest friends are here. I can basically say anything I need to. It is very comforting.

Been there, done that.

I do know how it is and understand and am glad you had friends who pulled you back from that brink.

Hugs

Maggie

Aw shucks missy.

Twernt nuthin, besides you pulled me back from the brink a few times your self. Thank you.

Gwendolyn