Is you are not alone. So much of what you say fits me as well, and there are likely others on here in the same situation. As for life being hard, well, I upset one Pollyanna awhile back who insisted that we all deserve to be princesses or some such. I told her that wasn't the way life works, and thats true for you, me, her, everybody. Life is a group calculation,and we are individuals. Stastically, if you flip a coin a hundred times you get fifty heads and fifty tails. Now some of those heads might want to be tails and vice-versa, but that isn't a factor in the calculation.

Now in saying all that, I did leave out one thing. You have friends. A lot of friends. A damn sight more than I have, for sure. There's one of the best reasons to keep on plugging away that I can think of.

Talk to your PCP, he or she can prescribe anti-depressants that can help. You only have to do one thing. Get off your butt and go.

In 1996 my wife took my daughter and left me totally alone. I had a lot of suicidal ideations and wrote a letter to the newspaper telling them how I was going to commit suicide. I am a born again Christian and I was wavering between the insane and very little sanity.
I was alone I had been outed to friends and fellow church members. I was ostracized and shunned.
College was the only thing I could count on doing so I did it well.
I began to speak to God, my blind faith was guiding me to talking to the one who put me here. I didn't understand until 2000 that I had been born intersexed. Apparently my mom was not happy with me as I was a defective child according to her standards.
I have been guilty of judging people especially when I had no one to talk with.
I am a people person and really enjoying making others happy.
I was not accepting of myself and when I realized I was my own worst critic I decided to take care of me.
I waited until my daughter graduated from high school and then began transition. in 2006 I attended a NAMI Peer to Peer course and heard "There are no wrong answers" In the fall of that year I flew to San Antonio for a military re-union. I went as my true self and flying is not something I like. The gist of this was I had accepted myself and for the first time in my life I was hapy with who I am.
Life does get better as long as you give it a chance. Adler teaches us to change our future we have to look at our past, find out what defense mechanisms we used and then change the defense mechanisms so we begin having positive out comes.
I grew up as an abused child, called worthless my my mom and grand parents. I began to have some success and it bothered me so I took up drinking for 14 years and quit because I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I have combat related Post traumatic Stress Disorder and through my speaking to the police and becoming aware of my illness Ialong with meds I get through each day with out suicide ideation and without creating a major disturbance. If you wish to talk with me pm me and I'll send you my phone number. I will say that no matter how bad you feel talk to me, I've been there.