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I had a great day today, i went and visited one of my best friends, shes totally cool with me and treats me like nothing is different from me then her, though asks some awkward questions to learn which although awkward makes me very happy that she enjoys learning, about my transition.
She has a beautiful girl, almost 2 years old, already girly girl and hyperactively atheletic, and very smart and quickwitted, and can talk and sing up a storm. Well she had many things to do, and was asked many times to keep a eye on her while she stepped outl, which left me alone with her for many hours added up anyways all afternoon it was amazingly awsome, within 2 hours she learned my name was giving me lots of hugs playing with me and having me by the hand taking me to play with her the sweet little darling. She even started calling me mom, going through my purse, playing with my cosmetics and even my cell the lil girly girl so techno already. Even begged me to put her hair up in one of my spare hairbands :) . i was more or less on my feet and knees most the day, luckily with raising my sister i learned the skill of periferal vision many years ago otherwise with how she gets into things she probably would have been in bandages.
Allthough i am worn out, i feel great. however it was late and getting dark and had to leave, so i scuttled on home on my tired feet. thinking. dad picked me up and i couldnt stop raving (the good kind) about her :)
Got home took my meds, got laundry started and raved about her online to some friends, afterawhile i was missing her alot, and thinking emotionally and logically in a sense, feeling rather childless and barren.
By my age(23) my mum had an abortion, me, my stillborn brother, and then my sister. My sister (21) even has 1 kid minus a miscarriage. Maybe its hereditary womanly internal obligation im not sure. but i cant help but feel i should have at least 3 by now, and yet im still alone without a offspring of my own. I have not and cannot afford banking, not likely i have any fertility left to bank after a year on hrt.
I know alot of your are going to say, theres always adoption, or when u get married your husband might have kids or even use his with a surrogate. however i want one of my own, i know probably selfish and irresponsible especially with th tg gene in the family if its even passonable. I have always wanted a little girl at least one but no more then 10, i know too what ru trying to fill a house like the waltons, well yes i always wanted a houseful of little kids running around, but with all this i cant help but feel these days that it will ever happen.
I wanted a stork to drop me my own baby when i was 8, by 14 i have already had names picked out. 12 i decided the day i would get married. and these days sometimes i think none of my plans other then the girl i am and will become fully of, will ever happen.
do any of u feel like this, or gone through this feeling of childless dred???
Comments
uhmmmm
Try having a dream where doctors found out you were not fat but had 3 atrophied dead fetus's in you.
I named the 2 girls and one boy even though it was a dream I still mourn them.
I kind of know how you feel
I always loved kids. I thought I'd be a great Mom, found out how wrong I was. I did a lot of babysitting, and I always thought I could be a good Dad, but found out that I'm sterile and impotent.
I went through a few years wondering why my brother has kids he doesn't claim, and my sister's nad kids, but I'm not only the wrong sex for my brain, but I'm an evolutionary dead end. I was very angry at God for a long time. It seemed like some kind of cruel joke.
I'm a little better now. I don't (usually) blame the creator, and I've been blessed with 5 stepkids. They're great, but it isn't the same thing. I'm not their Dad, and it's no big secret.
Sometimes...
Wren
kids
Knowing I will never have children is one of the few things that brings me down these days.
kids
i am at an age where kids are no longer an option. its sad for me to know that the family name dies with me. that's life and that's the way it turned out so no regrets. you may well have kids Erin only time will tell.as for me this fossil has made a choice and its done
Lucky?
My brother died in 1999, and I got his kids, then 9 (boy), 14,15 (girl, girl). Before that they lived with me 7 years. I think I can say I raised them.
You may not be able to have kids, but understand, if you adopt the kids will not care in the slightest, especially if they are young. The bond you form is every bit as real, and they NEED you in a way that is very hard to put into words. You become their world, and they yours.
If you can, I would strongly suggest you consider it, it really will fill the void, and you and they would be sharing love that would otherwise be denied to you both, as there are a lot of needy kids who will never be adopted.
My Dad offered my brother some advice. "Son, some day a project you have slaved over for months or years will be demolished by one of your children. Do not kill them, you owe me."
I'm not sure what project or what he was talking about, but there are several candidates, from me and my bro.
I feel the same way whenever
I feel the same way whenever some women who don't know about my being TG and just know me as a regular gal share with me about their periods or pregnancy so casually, oblivious of how the envy tears me up inside every time.
A child of your own...
When I was a child, my grandmother was into knitting... and one Xmas, gave myself and my younger sibling a pair of stuffed toys she had made. I think it was supposed to be a "teddy bear"... but ended up with more miniature-human proportions. Not important... other than my toy was about the size of a baby... and at night sometimes I would stuff it under my nightclothes, simulating being pregnant. Wondering what it would be like when I grew up and really would be pregnant...
Sigh. Then I got a little older... a little wiser... and realized that was never going to happen, for obvious reasons...
I wish I could say that I did not know only too well the pain of which you speak... the yearning need to have a child of my own flesh and blood. I wish... but I can't. I have shed too many tears into my pillows at night about this, throughout my life, to claim otherwise.
I am older now... many years (decades) post transition. Married, to a husband who had two daughters from his first marriage. I also wish I could claim that this subsumed my need for children of my own. Sadly, it doesn't, really. Oh, sure... I love the girls, in an abstract sort of way... but they were too old to really bond to me, by the time we married. Their biological mother is still out there, and they still call her "Mom". I am always addressed by my first name. "Family", with quotation marks... someone called when a babysitter is needed (the girls are adults now with children of their own)... but never really their mother. The outsider, looking in. Even the grandchildren do not call me "Grandma Sherry" [as they call their other grandmothers], but simply "Sherry". [Well... "Sherry" is just an alias of mine that I use online, rather than my real name -- but you get the idea].
Adoption? My husband and I considered it... but he is older than I am, and had already done the whole "parenting" thing with his first brood. He knew how much I wanted a child of my own, though... and we had seriously talked about it. But then I was diagnosed with cancer, and somehow, quietly, that whole subject was forgotten about. [I have an extremely rare type of cancer that has a one hundred percent mortality rate... but fortunately is very slow to kill. So I will likely be around for many years yet... but even so, the idea of starting a family when you know you are likely to be dead before they leave home just seems... wrong.]
I work with children every day... baby-sit the grandkids whenever asked... and I suppose in a way it helps. Alleviates at least a little of the pain... the longing for a child of my own. But it is not the same... and I won't pretend that it is.
Shrug. I wish I had good news for you. Wish I could say that the available options really are "just as good" as actually giving birth. I wish... but I can not. The truth, looking back from several decades further on than you are, is that this is one of the biggest problems with being "trans" -- especially for those (such as myself, and from what you have written, I am assuming you as well) who are "early transitioners".
I am sorry, Erin... but this whole topic is just one of the many high "costs" of transition -- at least, with current medical technology. About the only hope I can hold out for you is that, at 23, you are young enough that there is at least a slim hope of medical advances before you are too old for children. Cloned body parts, grown in vitro and then implanted in the human body, are most likely decades away (if they ever happen)... but there is a huge demand among sterile natal females for reproductive technologies, and there is at least a hope that one of the many research projects along those lines will produce something useful to you as well, sooner rather than later.
Shrug. It is a small hope... but it is the only one I can offer you. A hope that I held onto myself, for many decades... but I am too old now (and have that cancer thing), so even if they announced the technology tomorrow, children are not in my future. I can only hope that things go better for you...
But realistically, I would suggest that you try to reconcile yourself to the idea that children will never really be a part of your future. That, unfortunately, is the most likely scenario.
Just my two cents worth... from someone who shares your pain... and is much farther down the road than you are, looking back.