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When I first started this journal, the only real rule I set for myself was that I was going to be as honest as I possibly could, and I think i am succeeding.
Mostly, it really hasnt been much of a struggle, other than the difficulty of finding the best words.
I have talked about good times, bad times, and all the times in between, and most of the time, I have felt no hesitation.
Indeed, most of the time, i have been anxious to share.
But today, I find myself struggling to write this.
I want to just babble on about my writing, or whatever.
You see, as I mentioned, I have a bit of a crush on a woman who works at my daughter's day care.
Circumstances have kept me from being able to ask her to join me for a cup of coffee this week, but last night, i was feeling .... a little randy, if you know what i mean. (If you don't, ask your parents)
And so i wondered if i could imagine a sexual encounter with the young lady.
Only, I could not. Nothing, nada, zip.
I am not sure what it means. I know i find her attractive.
I was talking to a friend and she suggested its a sign that I am letting go of male habits, since its more like a boy to imagine having sex right off the bat with just about every girl.
I hope that's the case.
Comments
SEX
Try thinking about a lesbian encounter with her
I think I experienced
I think I experienced aomething like your reaction even before I started the formal transition. Probably the summer before I got the offcial start of the log transition period. It was this feeling that something had left me.
In my former life I could enjoy some well made pornographic movies, But as they are few I often tried this while staying in hotels where XXX channels were on the local TV net.
After a tiring day in the car I did so this evening too, but to my suprize it did nothing to my male soul or body. What I saw was mostly looking as a odd way of doing physical excersize. So I just shifted to some news programmes instead.
I felt a little ashamed, for what...? For keeping old habits? For seeing the the difference in the gender-roles that I saw? For "betraying" the the path that I had felt be the right one for me?
I think it was the last that hit me hardest. But after an hour or so I saw it more like a final step over the threshold. And since then I have never gone back to the pre Transition habits.
I think you have reached the same point of changing. And do not see that as a terrible loss. Just to test yorself: Try to imagine you as a woman making love to the other person. and see how far you have come.
In some way I want to congratulate you for reaching this point in youe transition
Ginnie
GinnieG