I don't know anymore. I don't want this. I do, but I don't. It seems like the more I think about it, the more it confuses me. I look back at those few times I've been able to proudly declare "Yes, I'm female." and I cringe, and I don't know why. I sure as HELL am not "male", or at least, have the intense perception that I do not wish to be, and I also at least perceive myself as having a strong female leaning, but am I really, or is it just an intense desire to seperate myself from my father?

Oh, this stuck a chord with me.

I took the longest time to transition, because for a long long time I wasn't sure it was what I wanted. I knew I was unhappy as a guy, but I had no real idea what being a woman was really about. Because, I mean, how could I? I fooled around with deliberate androgyny for a few years in my early twenties, and that didn't work out any better. Evidently, being not-fully-male wasn't the right answer. But not wanting to be a man didn't seem like enough of an excuse to want to be a woman. For ages I thought maybe I could dispense with the idea of gender altogether, but society really doesn't let you do that. Every single interaction with another human being gets filtered through the binary gate of gender, even if you're just down at the farmers market buying vegetables. Because, you know, you're either a woman buying vegetables, or a guy buying vegetables, and it freaks the woman selling the vegetables out of her tiny little mind if she can't put you into one of those two categories. Even in San Francisco.

So eventually, I took the path of least resistance and let society gender me. It made for easier shopping, and better relationships at work. And, you know, a social life outside of transgendered circles, which is kind of important if you want to live in the real world where people aren't in perpetual crisis.

And eventually, I bought the whole shebang, went and had SRS, all that. Got married, got divorced, got angry, got calm again.

The problem with transitioning, and I guess the whole reason the so-called real life test exists, is that until you actually start living as a woman, you've got no real idea what living as a woman is about. Then, for at least the first two years you live as a woman, you've got to work out the kind of woman you are.

God knows it took me a long time to work that out. I think I'm still working it out.

I don't have any easy answers for you. Your path has to be your own. I have a friend in Chicago who began transition and then backed out, who reckoned that the benefits were far outweighed by the risks, and he seems happy enough now. Married, with a kid. But who can say for sure?

Anyway, the one thing I can say is: trust your friends. Heaven knows it's hard to keep friends when you're genderfucked, especially if it consumes you to the point that you only focus on gender issues. But if you've kept them this far, then try to keep them, and keep them close. I drove far too many people away, for far too long. It's the biggest regret I have from the wasted decade that was my 20's. I was so self-obsessed I had no perspective, and friends, good friends, are essential to keep you from taking youraelf too seriously.

Hang in there. Your head will sort itself out in time. Vent away in the meantime.

Zoe hun I think you need to see a profesional hun they can help you make sence of what you are feeling hun. I'm sorry you feel that way sweety I love your stories and if its any consilation to you I kind of feel the same way only I wish I could be the girl I was ment to be and not the other way around.
Love Samantha Renee Heart