Six months ago, every night I prayed that I would not wake up in the morning. I was utterly crushed, knew it and wanted out. I was finished.

In the last months, some really astonishing things have happened to me. I don't know if I can explain this all coherently, but I am so thankful that I simply can not be quiet about it. I don't know where it all began and don't know if I can say all I have to say without staining your screens with my tears.

I suppose it began in the aftermath of some really viscious personal attacks against me. I know that some of you do not wish to hear of my religious experiences and I will try to avoid insulting you. I do not know if the odds can be calculated statistically; maybe someone thought that I'd had enough bad hands or something.

I first met my friend Rachael. She had just changed to my religion and wanted to share that with someone. In the ensuing days and weeks we found more between each other than I thought posible. We have similar backgrounds, but I am the only one to become a woman surgically and she did not care at all when I told her. "I was raised with gay men, lesbians, and abuse myself." She said. I know that life is very hard for those who struggle that way. Over the months a connection developed that I can not explain but I am extremely thankful for. We are like sisters or something. She will graduate from college next spring.

Somewhere along the line I met Aisha, and she managed to convince me that I had much to live for; that the whole Muslim community was not talking about sending me to hell. I left the resturant where we met, cured of much worry, and lusting after a piece of their Peach Raisin pie. They look soooo good! Yum.

I began volunteering at the VA Hospital and seem to have stumbled right into my nitche as a front desk greeter, data entry, and telephone schmoozer. I must confess that the experience of helping someone who is discouraged comes about as close to an orgasmic experience as I am ever likely to have this side of the curtain.

Through all our talks, we have come up with a plan so that I can conceal myself from certain people so I can listen to a wonderful professor in spite of them. Yes, I had been absolutely insistent that I would never wear such a garment, but now I will don it willingly for a special purpose.

This fall, I plan to take one course at the local university, just so I can say I did it! Who knows where that will go from here.

The list of wonderful things that have come my way seems endless. In a few weeks Rachael and I will move in together so she can have a break in finishing college and I will gain a companion.

I don't know what else I can do to express my thankfulness to the object of my affection above. I'd like to ask permission to ask him for help for others. In my case, I believe that it can and must help, else what do we struggle for?

I was so crushed; have seen mercy, and now my heart goes out to those who are struggling. I'll never be like Angharad's Cathy, so don't even ask. I am bursting with joy and just wanted to try to encourage those who I know are struggling. This RLT, and struggling with our inner selves is just a hard, hard path, and my heart goes out to each of you.

Many Blessings

Khadija