Dear Worried of Hartlepool,

I have read you letter with some concern.

You appear to have let yourself go slightly. Your wife, being more sensible and of a higher intelligence has left you and you wonder why?

Perhaps, if you had got off your backside and got a job she may have stayed, but it is unlikely.

Maybe you should have looked at your personal hygiene some years ago. Brushing your teeth is good for you and not doing it for thirty years probably means that you are a dentists’ nightmare and by the way, I can smell your breath from here.

Thank you for the photo, enclosed with your grease stained letter.

After getting over the shock, I could see from the photo that your face looks far from clean. Under the beard (perhaps you cannot be bothered to shave?) and in between the interesting collection of boils, I found it difficult to distinguish whether you are of a swarthy complexion or just plain grimy, I suspect the latter. There is a little known process called washing that may alleviate the problems that you have regarding the boils and I suggest that you try it occasionally.

Regarding your financial problems; red letters normally mean that you should really start paying some bills. I refer to paragraph three to help remedy this problem. I would suggest trying working for McDonalds as it would kill too birds with one stone, so to speak; your love of greasy fast food and the cash to pay for it and other bills. I regret though, they have high standards and insist on staff having a maximum of ten boils/pimples per face. (this condition is waved for teenagers for obvious reasons).

Returning to your liking of junk food, I can sympathise if you had a job or were too busy to cook. As you are neither, I respectfully suggest that you learn to cook at least the occasional boiled egg or, maybe eat some fruit. Bananas are easy to peal and should not tax your brain too much. If that is too hard for you, try biting into an apple as there is no peeling involved. (I am assuming here that you have any teeth left, of course).

Regarding advice about your wife, I sincerely feel that she is better off without you as you appear to be a selfish son of a pig, although saying that, I do the pig a disservice. If you do as I suggest, which I doubt, you may have one chance in a thousand of getting her back; I am not, however holding my breath on that.

If you need any further advice, I suggest you write to another paper as I am choosy as to who reads The Daily Crapper.

Yours dismissively,

Aunt Enid

PS I am married but even if I wasn’t….enough said.