“Another one?” Sonia asks as my phone pings to inform me of a new message. “Really?”

“Nothing else for us to do,” I reply with a shrug. “Not while we’re in tier 4, anyway.”

“I take it you’re going to join their call, then?” Sonia asks, sighing as I nod and head to my bedroom. “I mean, I WAS hoping to spend some of the Christmas holidays with you, I did take annual leave from work after all… though I guess it’s not like there’s anything for US to do right now, either.” I pause and bite my lip as I wait for the same kind of emotional blackmail I got whenever I 'neglected' my sisters when I was younger- though much to my surprise, Sonia simply smiles instead. “…And it is good that at least you’re making friends at school here. Go on, I’ve got stuff I can be doing while you’re having fun.”

“T- thanks,” I say, smiling as I head into my bedroom, though not before I what my sister says under her breath as I go.

“Even if your friends are all girls…” Sonia mutters, making me frown as I shut my bedroom door. What exactly does she mean by that? Is she upset that I’m mostly hanging out with girls? Is she worried that I’m, I dunno, exploiting them maybe? Does she know the truth about ‘Lisa’ somehow?

I try to put such paranoid thoughts out of my mind as I boot up my laptop and am immediately drawn into a group chat with my friends- who, as my sister predicted, are all female- not that this bothers me, of course.

“Hi Liam!” Daisy loudly cheers as she pops onto my screen, accompanied by Bailey, Farah and Ariadna.

“Hi girls!” I say, grinning widely as for one brief second, I allow myself to believe that I truly am one of the girls- what few are online tonight, anyway. “Is it just us tonight, then?”

“Yep,” Farah replies. “Lily, Molly and the others are all at their dance class right now.”

“Virtual dance class,” Ari clarifies in her gentle Polish accent.

“I was about to ask,” I chuckle. “So, over Zoom then?”

“Yep,” Daisy replies. “I did ask if we could cheer our friends on, but they said we couldn’t, so never mind.”

“Even if my dad does still pay for ballet lessons for me,” Ari chuckles sadly.

“I- I was about to ask,” I say. “I thought you were in the others’ dance class?”

“I didn’t know you paid THAT much attention,” Ari teases, making me blush as the others have a good-natured giggle at my expense. “And I am in A dance class, just not THAT dance class. The others can all dance en pointe, and I can’t- well, can’t YET, anyway.”

“Pointe is where you dance on the ends of your toes,” Daisy says. “It’d be nice if I could even dance on the soles of my feet…”

“You- you’ve never, you know, asked if you could, like?” I hesitantly ask.

‘It’d be a bit of a waste of money for me, with my dyspraxia,’ Bailey types as she smiles sadly at the camera.

“Same here, but change dyspraxia for CP,” Daisy says.

“And if ballet itself wasn’t haram, the uniform CERTAINLY would be,” Farah says, sitting back from her camera and gesturing to her loose dress and hijab.

“So, whenever they talk about it at the table,” Daisy says, “we just sort-of nod and pretend to listen. Kinda like you’re doing now, I guess!”

“Oh- no, I’m not just PRETENDING to listen,” I say, my voice trailing off as my friends let out another quiet giggle.

“Sure you’re not,” Farah giggles. “Just like I’m not pretending to listen whenever my brothers talk about their cars, hehe!”

‘Cars like the poster on Liam’s wall?” Bailey types, blushing and biting her lip as I roll my eyes and reposition my laptop so there's a blank wall behind me instead.

“To be fair, though,” Farah muses, “Liam DOES have two older sisters, so it must be as boring for him as it is for me at times.”

“Did either of your sisters take dance classes when they were kids?” Daisy asks.

“Umm- no, I don’t think so,” I reply truthfully. “If they did, it was before I was born, so- yeah.” So I thankfully don’t have any memories of being forced into a leotard and a pair of pink tights, I think to myself. Which also means that I don’t have any memories of wearing a leotard and a pair of pink tights, either- at least, not in the same context that my friends wear that outfit.

“Meh, fair enough,” Farah says with a shrug.

“And I suppose Liam doesn’t have any problems talking to girls,” Daisy teases. “He wouldn’t be on this call if he did!”

“It definitely beats talking about football with a bunch of morons,” I say, earning laughs and even cheers from my friends.

“Having my toenails pulled out would beat that!” Daisy laughs. “Especially as IT’S CHRISTMAS! Well, in two days, anyway, hehe!” I giggle along with my friends at Daisy’s enthusiasm, before frowning with confusion as she suddenly starts to cringe. “Ugh… sorry Farah…”

“Don’t worry about it, honestly,” Farah chuckles. “Sure, me and my family don’t actually celebrate Christmas, but we’re not going to say that no one else should, either. It’s just, like, an extra bank holiday for us. And my dad has exchanged cards and gifts with his colleagues at work, non-Muslim colleagues, that is.”

“Cool,” I say with a smile.

“No cards this year, though, bloody covid,” Daisy moans. “We were thinking of doing a Secret Santa as well, but can’t do that either this year.”

‘And I’m not going to get to see my grandparents on Christmas Day either, for the first time ever,’ Bailey types with a sad smile.

“And I’m not going to see my parents on Christmas Day for the first time ever,” I suddenly find myself saying, grimacing as my friends all starting frowning- and Bailey almost looks like she’s about to start crying.

“Oh, Liam…” Farah sighs sadly.

“I- I- I-“ Bailey stammers, sounding almost like she’s having a panic attack. “I- I- I-‘m s- s- s- so s- s- sor-“

“Don’t- honestly, don’t worry about it,” I say, even though deep down, I’m trying desperately not to cry as well. “It’s not YOUR fault, like. And I’m, you know, sorry if I brought the mood down…” I try to smile let Bailey know she’s forgiven, but it’s clear she hasn't forgiven herself- and probably won't do anytime soon.

“I really wish that we could, you know, do something nice for you,” Farah sighs sadly. “You know, to- well, not ‘cheer you up’, I guess, but, like- umm…”

“Honestly,” I say. “I’ll be okay. I just- I just sometimes forget, that’s all.” And the thing I REALLY want you to do for me is something none of you can provide, I think to myself. Or possibly even WANT to provide. Even if one of the group (albeit one not present right now) DOES have a trans relative…

‘Thanks,’ Bailey types as she smiles at her camera- and it takes me a while to realise that her message came in a private message to me rather than the group chat.

‘You’re welcome,’ I reply along with a ‘smiling’ emoji that makes the bespectacled girl blush onscreen.

“Maybe we should just stop talking about Christmas, then?” Daisy suggests, letting out a shy giggle at her earlier faux pas.

“Honestly, I don’t mind,” I say. "Kinda tricky to not talk about Christmas when it's less than 48 hours away, heh."

"That's definitely true," Ari chuckles. "Ah- but it looks like we're about to talk about- well, 'listen about', I guess- dancing for the next half hour, heh." I smirk as the images of the faces on my screen shuffle around to accommodate the new arrivals, who arrival- as always- brings a wider, genuine smile to my face.

“Hey everyone!” Lily says with a giggle as she appears onscreen, accompanied by Molly and our three older friends Bryony, Sabrina and Jo. “Normally I WOULD say ‘hey girlies’, but it kinda wouldn’t be appropriate with Liam on the call, hehe!”

“T- thanks,” I say, even as I try to hide my sadness- Lily has no way of knowing what she just said, after all.

“I’ll just see if I can get Danny on the call before Liam starts drowning in oestrogen!” Molly teases, earning giggles from the other girls as she momentarily moves off-camera.

“Was it a good class?” Ari asks.

“It was okay,” Lily replies with a shrug. “Tough to do any ‘actual’ dancing when you’re stuck in your bedroom, though, so we’re just doing basic shapes and stretches.”

“Trust me, it’s even worse when you share your bedroom with your older sister,” Bryony grumbles. “She at least let me have some privacy during class. My two younger sisters, though…”

“Let me guess- Cassie being Cassie?” Ari asks as I try to follow the conversation. “If the dance school reopening only to immediately close again was tough on us, god knows what it’d be like for her!”

“Is- is Cassie your sister?” I ask the blonde-haired girl, who nods and smiles sympathetically.

“Yeah, sorry Liam, I keep forgetting that you’re still, like, getting to know us all,” Bryony says. “If you imagine a ten-year-old girl who’s obsessed with ballet and is on a permanent sugar high, that’s my little- well, younger, at least- sister Cassie. Which is only made worse by it being Christmas in two days, heh.” You clearly didn’t get the memo about not mentioning Christmas in this chat, then, I think to myself as I notice Daisy, Bailey, Farah and Ari's attention start to wander.

“Still, it could be worse,” Sabrina giggles. “At least your sister isn’t teaching the class!” As the girls- the newly-arrived girls, anyway- continue talking about their class, I stealthily mute my microphone and reopen the private chat window with Bailey.

‘You look bored,’ I type, trying to hide my smirk from the camera as the bespectacled girl blushes onscreen and starts typing.

‘A bit,’ Bailey replies. ‘Normally the other girls chat among themselves after a dance class, I think because tonight wasn’t part of the regular schedule things are different.’

‘OK,’ I type.

‘Most days I’m just glad they even let me listen,’ Bailey types. ‘I know I wouldn’t even have any friends if they didn’t let me hang out with them.’

‘Don’t say that!’ I chastise my friend, who blushes onscreen and looks almost like she’s about to cry again.

‘Sorry,’ Bailey types with a ‘crying’ emoji that almost makes me cry too. ‘But who’d want to be friends with an awkward, ugly stammering nerd?’

‘Me,’ I type, before grimacing as I realise what I agreed to. ‘I don’t think you’re awkward or ugly, I mean. I think you’re pretty cool.’ And god knows I’m glad that you want to be friends with the newly orphaned new kid in school who spent most of his life being bullied by his sisters and has a 'dark secret', I think to myself.

‘Nah, I know I’m THE least cool girl in the school,’ Bailey says, before texting me a photograph of her bedside table and all the science fiction comics and poetry books on it. ‘But it’s okay. Lily, Molly and the others are all nice and don’t mind my stammering and my awkwardness.’ I reply to Bailey’s text with a ‘smiling’ emoji, though it’s obvious that despite her bravado, she’s very obviously NOT okay.

“…well, that’s what she SAID, anyway,” Lily says onscreen as I return my attention to the conversation. “It probably won’t even be open for my birthday next month, like.” Naturally, this mention of Lily having a January birthday piques my interest.

“I- I’m sorry, your birthday’s next month?” I ask.

“Yes, why?” Lily replies.

“Oh, it- it’s just that my birthday’s in January too,” I say, hoping I haven't put my foot in it, and silently breathing a sigh of relief as Lily grins.

“Ah, cool!” Lily giggles. “Pity that covid means we probably won’t be able to have a joint party. Or ANY party, heh. What date in January?”

“Nineteenth,” I reply.

“Cool, mine’s on the seventh,” Lily says. “And yes, I’ll be having a Zoom party, and yes, you’re all invited, hehe! And I hope everyone is wearing the best dresses and make-up- especially you, Liam!” I roll my eyes and try not to blush at my friend’s teasing as the other girls giggle at me, though I can’t help but feel a little bit sick inside- the mere sound of a group of girls giggling, especially when I know it’s at me- is enough to make me feel four years old again, even though I know in this case that they’re all laughing WITH me rather than AT me. Though that doesn’t stop me from remembering all those years I spent dressed up as a cat on another teenaged girl's birthday- and definitely doesn’t stop me from wanting to pull on a fancy dress and apply make-up for Lily’s party. And mine, too…

“She’s just teasing, Liam, ignore her,” Molly says with a smug grin as her best friend pouts, before giggling again. “As long as you don’t mind us also wearing our fanciest dresses and make-up to your party as well, hehe!”

“I- I don’t even know what I’m doing for my party yet,” I mumble. “Don’t even know if I’m having one…” I bite my lip as a sombre mood falls over the call- it’s no doubt dawned on them, just as it has on me, that next month will also be my first birthday without my parents.

“Well, we- we’ll let you decide nearer the time,” Daisy says. “We’ll all be in school that day anyway so we can decide what we’re doing then.”

“Though as it’s also a Tuesday, some of us might have other ‘obligations’ that evening!” Lily giggles as she sits back and stretches one leg (and the pink tights encasing it) high above her head, earning giggles from those of the girls who are wearing similar outfits to her.

“Ah, yep- sorry Liam,” Molly says with an excited giggle. “Though if we do have a party, we’ll be right there straight afterwards, we promise. And hopefully, at the party, Lily won’t let you look right up her skirt.” I allow myself a smirk as the brown-haired girl rolls her eyes before replying.

“I’m still wearing my leotard,” Lily retorts. “I’ve just had the crotch of that on public display for, like, the last hour, so what if it’s now covered by a skirt? It’s not like you can see my knickers, and besides, I know that Liam’s not a creep.”

“Thanks,” I chuckle, trying not to blush as I remember exactly how I came to befriend Lily- and how close she came to having a very different opinion of me. How close I came to having a different opinion of me, too...

“Annnnnd now we know who Lily’s boyfriend is going to be next year…” Molly teases, causing both mine and Lily’s cheeks to redden.

“Oh- shut up,” Lily chastises her best friend. “And where’s your boyfriend, anyway?”

“Busy talking to his family,” Molly replies. “Sorry Liam, looks like you’ll be the only guy talking to us girls tonight, hehe!”

“I- I don’t mind,” I say. “Better than talking to a load of gu- of, umm, other guys, anyway.”

“Ugh, you do NOT need to convince me of that!” Lily chuckles. “Especially morons like that Harry guy you hung out with at the start of the year. He’s probably someone who thinks it’s ‘gay’ for a guy to only hang out with girls.”

“Even if none of us are actually Liam’s girlfriend,” Daisy says.

“Well, ‘yet’, in Lily’s case,” Molly teases, smirking as her best friend rolls her eyes again. However, my eyes are immediately drawn back to the corner of the screen and the sad, faraway look on Bailey's face.

‘You okay?’ I type to my bespectacled friend privately.

‘I’m okay,’ Bailey replies with a ‘smiling’ emoji. ‘It’s the same when they’re talking about boys as when they’re talking about ballet. Or any topic beginning with B.’

‘Even the topic of ‘Bailey’?’ I ask with a ‘winking’ emoji that earns a goofy grin and reddens the cheeks of my bespectacled friend.

‘Trust me, they never talk about THAT,’ Bailey replies, her grin quickly changing to a sad smile. ‘But that’s okay, I don’t really like talking about myself, I like privacy, if that makes sense.’

‘No flashing the crotch of your leotard at everyone?’ I tease, deepening the shade of my friend’s cheeks.

‘I don’t even OWN a leotard, unless you count my school swimsuit,’ Bailey says, before my attention is abruptly drawn back to the screen.

“Hello?” Lily calls as she waves at the camera. “Earth to Liam?”

“Umm- sorry?” I ask as Bailey types an apology for distracting me from the chat.

“We were just wondering if any of the boys you hung out with ever talked about us,” Molly says. “Not that we’re THAT interested, but we figured we may as well, you know, ask while we’ve got you here.”

“Umm, not really,” I reply. “Well, umm, not like- not like, ‘positively’, you know- sorry…”

“Meh, it’s kinda the answer we were expecting,” Lily says with a shrug. “I guess they probably only talk about football? A bunch of guys getting sweaty chasing a ball around a field, heh. And they have the nerve to call boys who dance ‘gay’?”

“Not that there’s anything wrong with being gay,” Daisy interjects.

“There is absolutely nothing wrong with being L, G, B, T or any other letter of the acronym,” Lily concedes with a smile. “More guys should feel comfortable about being 'just friends' with girls.”

“But only the cute ones,” Sabrina says with a smug grin.

“And do you include Liam in ‘cute guys’?” Ari asks, smirking as Sabrina rolls her eyes and I once again blush.

“…He’s a COOL guy,” Sabrina replies. “Because he likes hanging out with us!”

“Totally,” Bryony concurs. “Even if… actually- umm, never mind.”

“Bry?” Sabrina asks. “You okay?”

“Hmm?” The blonde girl replies. “Oh, umm, yeah, just- just remembering something. Not important.” That's not the first time you've done that when I've been the topic of conversation, I think to myself.

“And anyway,” Lily says with a grin, “I don’t think you’ve told us how Christmas prep is going in your house, Bry? Especially with five siblings?”

“…Cassie is exhausting enough for five siblings just by herself,” Bryony replies as I find my attention drifting once again. However, as before, I find I'm not alone in this.

‘Bryony tends to go on a bit when complaining about her brother and her sisters,’ Bailey types privately with a ‘winking’ emoji that makes me barely suppress a snort of laughter.

‘I don’t blame her, I thought two was bad enough,’ I reply, earning a ‘giggling’ emoji in reply from my friend. ‘Do you have any brothers or sisters?’

‘Just one,’ my friend replies. ‘Tia, she’s seven years older than me but we don’t speak much, she moved away for university in 2018 and I haven’t even seen her since the start of the first lockdown.’ I bite my lip as I ponder my next question- in addition to being sensitive, it's one I'll inevitably be asked in return- as much as I don't want to answer it myself.

‘Did she tease you much while you were growing up?’ I ask.

‘Not really,’ Bailey replies. ‘We never really interacted much growing up, we were interested in completely different things.’ Yeah, well, so were I and my sisters, I think to myself.

“Liam! Come here!” Melanie yelled as the six-year-old me sat in my room reading- or rather, trying to read- a comic.

“I’m busy,” I meekly mumbled, knowing that as always, it would make no difference to my sisters.

“No, come here now!” Melanie demanded, and as always, I obeyed, my head held low as I skulked toward my sister’s room, wondering what costume I’d be made to wear this time.

On that occasion, though, my sisters had no clothes laid out for me (or they were feeling sorry for me, which seems less likely). Instead, I was made to just stand there as Sonia and Melanie talked about the celebrities they fancied, while I grew more and more bored- not that they cared, of course, and every time I tried to sneak away, I was ordered to remain exactly where I was, not moving, not being allowed to do anything I might actually want to do. And then being expected to thank my sisters for being 'included'.

‘Fair enough,’ I type, typing but then deleting the phrase 'you don't know how lucky you are'. ‘You won’t see her for Christmas, then?’

‘Can’t because of lockdown,’ Bailey reminds me. ‘It’s okay, she’s got her friends and I’ve got mine!’ The ‘wide grin’ emoji that follows Bailey’s message brings a genuine smile to my face, even as we both feel excluded from the ongoing chat onscreen, which has inevitably returned to discussion of their dance class.

‘Too right,’ I type with a ‘grinning’ emoji of my own.

‘I do sometimes wish I could join in a bit more with the other girls, though,’ Bailey types. ‘Before lockdown they didn’t talk about dancing nearly as much, I think Bryony and Lily were even talking about dropping the class. Then they couldn’t go anymore, and suddenly they realised just how much they missed it, same with gymnastics club at school.’

‘That makes sense, I suppose,’ I type. ‘But were you really never interested in the class?’

‘LOL no,’ Bailey replies, smirking into her camera.

‘The other girls would support you, wouldn’t they?’ I ask.

‘Oh, for sure,’ Bailey replies. ‘But they’re in the advanced class and even Ari is in the intermediate class, so I’d be by myself in the beginner class, meaning I’d be dancing with a load of 9-year-olds who all already have better coordination than me.’ You know a lot about the structure of the school for someone not interested in it, I think to myself.

‘Fair enough,’ I type, before pausing to ponder how to word my next question. ‘Do the girls ever talk about what you like to do, though?’

‘Sometimes, maybe,’ Bailey replies. ‘I like reading and writing poetry, though, and I obviously can’t read it out loud, so that usually puts an end to that. I write poems for the girls’ birthdays though, and they usually like them.’

‘Cool,’ I type with a ‘smiling’ emoji that earns an ‘eye rolling’ one in return.

‘It’s about as UNcool as it gets,’ Bailey replies. ‘But it’s okay. And I can write one for your birthday, if that’s what you want.’

‘Sure, I’d love that,’ I type, smiling as Bailey’s cheeks turn bright red.

‘As your and Lily’s birthdays are so close, I can write a joint one as well if you’d like,’ Bailey types, making me frown with confusion.

‘Why would we want a joint one?’ I ask.

‘Isn’t it obvious?’ Bailey types with a ‘giggling’ emoji. ‘She hasn’t said anything as she doesn’t want to presume, but it’s obvious that Lily’s lining you up to be her boyfriend.’ This is news to me, I think as my gaze darts back and forth between Bailey and Lily on my screen. I know I should be excited at the prospect, and a part of me is- Lily is cute, fit and very, very feminine, and would make a great girlfriend no matter what morons like Harry might think about her. The most important question, though, is how she’d react to ‘Lisa’- both the version of ‘Lisa’ that I want to be, and the version that I was forced to be when growing up. Then again, she does unquestioningly accept her transgender sister…

‘If you say so,’ I type with a ‘shrugging’ emoji.

‘I’m pretty perceptive about these things,’ Bailey types with a ‘smug’ emoji. You haven’t perceived ‘Lisa’, I think to myself.

‘Again, if you say so,’ I type, earning an ‘eye rolling’ emoji from my friend in return.

‘I think I’m just used to watching other people,’ Bailey types. ‘Trying to understand them, I mean.’

‘I think I get it,’ I type. God knows I’m used to remaining silent whenever my sisters were dominating the conversation at home. And god knows even that was infinitely better than when they turned their attention toward me...

The chat continues for another hour, with everyone gradually dropping off the chat as they're called away by their families for dinner. Eventually, only Ari, Molly and Bailey are left on the call when I hear the front door of our flat open and close- which I instantly know means that my time on the call has come to a close too.

“…I think that means I’d better go too,” I say with what can best be described as a 'sad grimace'. “My other sister’s in our ‘bubble’, so- yeah.”

“Okay,” Molly says with a shrug. “Talk later!”

“Sure,” I say with a wave as I exit the call, before opening up my private chat with Bailey one more time.

‘Talk later,’ I type, earning a ‘smiling’ emoji in reply, which mirrors the look on my face.

My smile almost immediately fades, though, when I close my laptop and exit my bedroom to find, as expected, Melanie sat on the sofa in my usual spot.

“Hi Liam!” Melanie says, and I try not to shiver as she grins her trademark grin at me- the same sickly-sweet grin that usually meant that she was about to have a lot of fun- and I most definitely wasn't.

“Hi,” I mumble as I find somewhere to sit in the cramped living room that's more than six feet away from Melanie- and not just due to covid.

“Are you looking forward to Christmas, Liam?” Melanie asks, her grin only widening as I try not to fidget. “Only two days to go…”

“Maybe a little,” I say quietly in reply. “It’ll be, you know, different this year, like…” Which you surely must be aware of, I think to myself, and yet you’ve still got that grin on your face.

“Yeah, we were just talking about that,” Sonia says in an emotional voice as she dishes up the takeaway dinner our sister brought with her. “Every Christmas is gonna be different from now on, which is why we all need to stick together, okay?”

“Sure,” I say, trying desperately to muster up any amount of self-confidence- which isn’t easy when the two people I'm sat with spent most of the last thirteen years steadily eroding it.

“And that means stick together with your sisters,” Melanie says as she looks directly at me, “and NOT your 500 girlfriends!” Great, Sonia told her, I think to myself.

“Now be fair,” Sonia says, “Liam doesn’t have 500 girlfriends.” At least you’re on my side, I think to myself. “I’m pretty sure it’s just the one!” Maybe not, I think as I grip the seat of my chair hard to brace myself for the inevitable interrogation.

“Ooh!” Melanie teases as my cheeks instantly redden. “Go on, what’s her name?”

“It’s either Lily or Daisy, from what I can tell,” Sonia replies before I even get a chance to draw breath. “Of course, he says that they’re NOT his girlfriends, just ‘friends who are girls’.”

“So you haven’t simply got a thing for girls with flower names, then?” Melanie teases, again continuing before I have the chance to say anything in my defence. “What do they call you then, ‘Pansy’?” Well, now I know what I’m going to be called for the whole of 2021, I think to myself.

“No,” I feebly mumble.

“They probably would if they found out about your ‘hobby’ when we were younger!” Melanie says with a cackle that causes my entire body to tense up- and much to my shame, causes Sonia to giggle as well.

“Okay, okay, that’s enough I think,” Sonia chuckles. “Have you been at work today?”

“It’s two days before Christmas and I work in a supermarket,” Melanie retorts. “Yes, I’ve been at work since 6am! Even with Tier 4 restrictions the place was packed out, thank god almost all of them were wearing masks, heh.”

“Not a job you can really do from home, heh,” Sonia chuckles as my sisters continue to talk about their lives, barely even noticing that I’m in the room most of the time.

Melanie sticks around for the next 45 minutes as we eat dinner, during which time she and Sonia discuss many topics (though noticeably avoiding the topic of 'family'), all the while I sit quietly, not daring to interject for fear of yet more ‘teasing’. It takes no time at all for my attention to drift, wishing that I was still chatting with my friends- any of my friends. I’m quickly forced to admit to myself, though, that I’d almost certainly be just as silent with them as I was with my sisters, but the difference is that with my friends, I’d at least feel included, and when they did address me- as Lily did during our group chat just now- it wouldn’t be to make fun of me.

And, most importantly of all, it’s a lot easier to believe- however briefly- that I really am ‘Lisa’ when talking with my friends, rather than with my sisters…

“Huh, that was a pleasant surprise,” Sonia says with a smile as she closes the door after we wave Melanie off. “Nice to actually see some of YOU this holiday too!”

“Hmm?” I say, startled by my sister actually talking to me for once. “Sorry?”

“You actually talking to people face to face for once?” Sonia teases. “Rather than holed up in your bedroom talking to a laptop screen? It can’t be good for you to do that all day…”

“Yeah, well, it’s not like I have a choice, what with covid and everything,” I retort. “And I didn’t do much talking, anyway…” I pause and bite my lip as my sister opens her mouth to retort, only to immediately close it again.

“…Well, you could’ve, you know, jumped in at any point,” Sonia mumbles.

“What, when you were talking about your jobs?” I snort. “You’d have laughed at me just for trying. Again.”

“Not necessarily,” Sonia protests. “And what do you mean, ‘again’?”

“Well, umm, like how you laughed at me for being friends with Lily and Bailey,” I reply, before frowning and blushing as my sister grins.

“Bailey?” Sonia asks with a chuckle. “That’s a new name, who’s ‘Bailey’?”

“Just- just another friend, that’s all,” I mumble.

“Another GIRLfriend?” Sonia asks, her laughter increasing as my cheeks redden further.

“Yeah, this is what I mean by ‘again’,” I snort, before heading to my bedroom.

“What?” Sonia protests. “It’s just a bit of harmless teasing, Liam. You’re not going to last very long at secondary school if your skin’s THAT thin.” Funny, I think to myself. None of my friends 'tease' me like you and Melanie do. I’m forced to concede, though, that what I get from my sisters would be nothing compared to what I’d face if I ever showed up at school as ‘Lisa’.

However, despite what my sister believes, ‘Liam’ is still well-liked, as proved when I boot my laptop back up and am immediately invited back in to a group chat that’s already in full swing.

“Hey Liam!” Sabrina says in a much friendlier, much less teasing voice than either of my sisters used. “Did you have a good dinner?”

“Meh, it was okay,” I reply with a shrug. “My- my other sister came round, so- yeah.”

“I think I remember you talking about her before, her name’s Melanie, isn’t it?” Lily asks, smiling as I nod. “What was the age gap between you and her again?”

“Just over nine years,” I sigh. “So- yeah. I- I used to get, like, ‘ganged up on’ a lot when we were all younger, so- yeah…” I pause and bite my lip as I try to gauge my friends’ reactions- none of them are fans of bullying, and as Harry’s actions proved, many of them have been victims of it for one reason or another. Then again, they are all fairly vocal feminists, so they might not see a problem with someone they see as a boy taking grief from his sisters- in fact, they may even approve of it…

“Ugh, older siblings really can suck sometimes,” Lily snorts, much to my relief.

“What even Laura?” I ask, smirking as my friend giggles and rolls her eyes.

“She’s cool MOST of the time,” Lily replies. “Our brother, on the other hand, sucks ALL of the time. I’m almost fourteen years younger than him. Well, physically, anyway. Mentally I’m about ten years OLDER than him. He’s an ex-squaddie, now training to be a teacher, of all things. Thank god he’s only interested in teaching boy’s PE- ah, sorry Liam, heh. Hopefully he’ll get a job at a different school when he qualifies, heh!”

“Yeah, you’re not exactly, like, ‘selling’ him,” I say, earning a giggle from my friend.

“I mean, he’s ‘only’ my stepbrother,” Lily says, “but god knows how he’ll react when I bring a boyfriend home, heh!” That was a bit obvious, I think to myself. Maybe Bailey was right after all…

“I know I’m happier having a big sister than a big brother,” Sabrina muses. “Especially as we’re more or less the same height and dress size so I can ‘borrow’ clothes from her when I want, hehe! Even if all she wears nowadays is workout gear or dancewear.”

“Jealous,” Lily snorts. “Like, Laura’s seven inches taller than me but she still somehow has a smaller waist than me.”

“Oh, for god’s sake, you are NOT fat,” Molly chastises her best friend. “Not even slightly, like.”

“Easy to say when you already have a boyfriend and loads of other guys drooling all over you,” Lily snorts. “Most boys don’t even go near me because they’re afraid they’ll catch ‘gay’ or something from me via Laura, or whatever.”

“Yeah, but those BOYS are all morons,” Molly retorts. “Cool guys will think you’re cute, right?” Okay, Molly is Lily’s best friend, makes sense they’d both be in on it, I think to myself as the conversation pauses- a pause they’re no doubt expecting me to fill.

“Umm, sure, you look ok- look good, yeah,” I say, trying not to blush as the girls all giggle- Lily included, much to my relief.

“Typical BOY’s response,” Bryony (who I’ve learned also has a transgender older sister) chuckles. “But take it from someone who knows- it’s better to have the, like, idiots weed themselves out rather than you wasting any time doing it yourself.”

“So, given that next to you, EVERY boy’s an idiot, is that why you’re still single?” Sabrina teases her best friend (who I’ve also been told has a Mensa level IQ), who replies with a sly smirk.

“You said it, not me,” Bryony chuckles, before standing back from her camera to show off the clingy navy-blue turtleneck top and short black pleated skirt that she’s wearing. “Back on topic, having an older sister who’s more or less the same size as you is something I also approve of, hehe! Not that I’m saying that that’s the main reason I’m glad Ash transitioned, because- well, yeah…”

“Yeah,” Lily whispers as I muse that just like with my sisters, I have nothing to contribute to this conversation. Well, other than how I WISH I could exchange clothes with my older siblings, anyway. Still, at least my friends aren’t using me as a source of amusement...

Eventually, the chat draws to an end as everyone heads off to bed, me included. As I try to sleep, I find myself focussing on what Sonia told me earlier today. Do I just have too thin a skin? Am I too sensitive to my sisters’ ‘teasing’? None of my friends have described their ‘teasing’ as being anywhere near as bad as what Sonia and Melanie did to me- even Lily’s brother, as much of a jerk as he sounds, didn’t go as far as to dress either of his sisters up purely for his amusement. Then again, I also don’t know how he reacted to one of his sisters coming out as trans. I also don’t know how he reacted to Lily’s sister bringing home a boyfriend for the first time- and I especially don’t know how ANYONE would react to their sister’s boyfriend declaring that they wanted to be a girl. I don’t even know if I want to be Lily’s boyfriend- or even girlfriend- in the first place…

These questions remain on my mind as I wake up the following morning and as I eat my breakfast in front of the television. Naturally, it takes almost no time for my sister to pick up on my mood.

“You’re looking… unusually thoughtful,” Sonia says in a teasing (though a much 'gentler' teasing) way as she switches on her work computer. “And I’ll need you to turn the sound off at 9:30 as I have a meeting, but I’ll be done by noon at the latest.”

“Okay,” I reply with a shrug.

“So…” Sonia says. “What’s on your mind, Liam?” You’re not letting this go, then, I ruefully think to myself.

“Nothing,” I mumble.

“Is it about what we were talking about last night?” Sonia asks, sighing and smiling sympathetically as I shrug. “Is it about what me and Melanie were talking about?”

“No,” I mumble.

“Liam…” Sonia sighs. “Maybe we- maybe we were being a bit too, you know, ‘enthusiastic’ when we tease you like that. But it- it’s just ‘cause you’re, you know, the youngest. If you had any younger siblings, you’d tease them just as much.”

"Bailey's older sister doesn't tease her," I retort. "Like, for her stammer, or whatever."

"Maybe not to her face, she doesn't," Sonia retorts back.

“If you say so,” I say, not believing a word my sister says.

“Well- fine, suit yourself,” Sonia sighs. “But we are going to need to find a way to get along with each other- after all, we ARE the only family we have left.”

“I- I know,” I say, trying not to cry as I’m reminded that tomorrow, Christmas Day, will be unlike any celebration I’ve ever had.

After breakfast, with Sonia needing the living room for her work, I return to my bedroom hoping to find some solace in my online friends- and thankfully, they don’t disappoint.

“Hi Liam!” Lily says with a happy, almost flirty giggle. Was Bailey right? Or is it just that she's put the idea into my head? “Happy Christmas Eve!”

“Happy Christmas Eve,” I chuckle as I wave at my assembled friends. “Are there any plans for today, or is it, like, just chatting again?”

“Just chatting again,” Lily replies with a sigh. “If only we could hang out somewhere together, even if it just one of our homes.” Sonia would love THAT, I think to myself.

“My little sisters have said they want to do a ballet recital for the rest of the family later,” Bryony says. “Though knowing them, it’ll probably be more for their benefit than ours, heh. But I don't mind, like, I’m not going to force them to not do it or anything.” And yet I thought ALL older siblings love to torment their younger siblings, I think to myself.

“It’ll probably be mega cute too, knowing them,” Sabrina giggles. “God knows I’d rather watch them dance than watch Damian try to, even if it did mean he’d wear himself out ahead of tomorrow!”

“Looking forward to another 4am start tomorrow, then?” Bryony asks, grinning smugly at her best friend.

"Looking forward to another 3am start?" Sabrina asks, mirroring Bryony's grin.

“THEY can wake up at 3am, I’m not,” Bryony snorts. “Though they’ll probably come into our room and jump all over me and Ashley demanding their presents anyway, heh.”

“What- what have you got for your sisters?” I ask hesitantly.

“Just a couple of hair clips, some nail art things,” Bryony replies with a shrug. “Mum hasn’t given us much of a budget to work with, heh, especially as she has to give money to Ash too as she’s not getting any money from the coffee shop right now.”

“Same here,” Sabrina says. “I’ve got Damian a few fidget toys, he loves stuff like that. Why are you asking, Liam?”

“Oh, just- just curious,” I reply with a shrug, trying not to show too much anxiety at my sudden 'interrogation'. “You didn’t- didn’t, like, get them any joke gifts?”

“What, stuff they’d hate, as a prank?” Sabrina asks, sneering as I nod. “No way, even if I thought it’d be funny, with Damian’s special needs it’d probably just cause a meltdown and then I’d get the blame for ruining Christmas, heh.”

“Same,” Bryony says. “Though I might get a ‘how to meditate quietly’ book for Cassie for her birthday, but knowing her she’ll probably love it and try to combine it with her stretching exercises or something.”

“Ricky’s threatened to get me an army camouflage jacket for Christmas a couple of times,” Lily scoffs.

“Yeah, but he’s an idiot BOY,” Daisy interjects.

“…I would argue that being 27 means he should’ve grown past ‘boy’,” Lily says with a snort of laughter. “But in his case ‘should have but didn’t’ is about right.”

“And ‘idiot’ is about right for someone who ruin’s another person’s Christmas just for their own amusement,” Sabrina spits as I find myself remembering Christmas morning seven years ago.

“Go on, open this one next!” Sonia insisted as she thrust a small, carefully wrapped package into my hands.

“That’s from both of us,” Melanie interjected as I examined the package, which was soft and small, obviously containing clothes- and even at the age of six, I should’ve known what was coming next. “Go on, open it!” I meekly complied, and frowned with frustration as I unwrapped a plain grey dress with short sleeves and a pleated skirt- not unlike the one Daisy would wear when talking to me seven years later.

“Just like you asked for!” Sonia said, her and Melanie laughing mockingly as I held the dress, trying not to cry.

“Aren’t you going to try it on?” Melanie teased, though her amusement didn't last long.

“Sonia! Melanie!” Dad snarled, though all this did was earn me looks of indignation from my sisters.

“What?” Melanie protested. “Like I said, Liam asked for it, didn’t you, Liam?”

“No,” I meekly mumbled, and even though I was telling the truth, this obviously wasn’t the answer my sisters wanted to hear.

“Don’t lie to dad, Liam!” Sonia chastised, emphasising the word ‘lie’ so as to shame me further.

“Stop, just- just stop, you two,” dad said, sighing with exasperation. “Whatever game it is the two of you are playing, it’s not happening at Christmas, okay?”

“What ‘game’?” Melanie protested with mock-innocence.

“You know what I’m talking about,” dad replied angrily. “You both know EXACTLY what I’m talking about. Ugh, Liam, did you- did you really ask your sisters for this for Christmas?”

“No,” I repeated, even though deep down, even at that young age I wished that I could wear the dress- MY dress- even if only for a short time.

“Why do you always take his side?” Sonia whined as dad placed the dress to one side, out of my reach and my sight.

“A better question,” our father retorted, “is why do you two NEVER take his side?”

The following day, the dress was returned to the shop it was bought from, and I was given the money (which had, obviously, originally been my sisters’) as a bonus Christmas present. Following that, all of my presents from my sisters were handed to my parents first to make sure I had no ‘unexpected surprises’ on either Christmas or my birthday. However, as that’s no longer an option, there’s no telling what I might unwrap tomorrow- or how I’ll react to it…

“…Anyway,” Molly says, returning my attention to the present. “I’m guessing we’re all going to be too busy to chat tomorrow?”

“If by ‘too busy’ you mean ‘too being made to spend time with family’, then yes,” Bryony snorts. “Even if we can’t see our grandparents like we usually do.”

“Yeah, same here,” Lily sighs. “But, you know? Covid can’t last forever, we’ll get back to normal soon enough.” Well, some of us might, I think to myself with a sad sigh.

The chat lasts for another hour, and even though, as usual, I don’t contribute much, I’m grateful for the distraction- though I do find myself feeling a little sad that Bailey doesn’t join the chat, even if only by text. Before heading for lunch, I type out a quick message to my bespectacled friend.

‘Hey Bailey,’ I type. ‘Missed you in the chat, hope you’re having a good Christmas Eve.’ Much to my surprise, though, mere seconds after I send the message, I get notified that my friend is typing a reply.

‘Hi Liam,’ Bailey types. ‘Sorry I missed the chat, am video chatting with my aunts, uncles and grandparents right now. The family normally have a big get together on Christmas Eve, obviously we can’t do that this year so we’ve video chatting instead.’ I bite my lip as I ponder whether or not to remind my friend that I don't even have that option anymore, but given that I just started the chat, the last thing I want to do is make Bailey think I’m guilt-tripping her.

‘And they’re not telling you off for texting with me instead?’ I ask with a ‘winking’ emoji.

‘Lol they barely even notice me,’ Bailey replies. ‘For obvious reasons I don’t talk much at family get-togethers. I think they prefer it that way. I know I do.’ Despite the ‘giggling’ emoji attached to the end of her message, I can’t help but feel a little sad for my friend- I know what it's like to always be the youngest, to always be ignored by everyone. Though sometimes, being ignored is much better than the alternative...

‘Could be worse, I suppose?’ I hesitantly type.

‘True,’ Bailey concedes. ‘They could be pressuring me to speak in front of everyone lol! Though I know they’d never do that, thank god.’

‘Yeah,’ I reply as I find myself struggling to think of what to say- in our group chats, I’m so used to remaining quiet, which is something I can’t really do in a one-on-one chat. But there's nothing I want to do more right now than chat with my friend. ‘Will you be spending tomorrow with your family too? Online, I mean.’

‘Probably not,’ Bailey replies. ‘We might talk to my grandparents in the morning but only briefly.’

‘Yeah, I’ll probably spend most of the day with my sisters,’ I type, letting out a quiet sigh.

‘OMG, I’m so sorry,’ Bailey types, briefly confusing me. ‘Here I am talking about my family and I forgot all about your situation.’ I bite my lip at the ‘embarrassed’ and ‘crying’ emojis Bailey sends with her message- I genuinely didn’t want to guilt-trip her, after all, it’s not her fault that my parents are dead.

‘It’s okay,’ I type, hoping my ‘smiling’ emoji makes my friend feel better. ‘I know you didn’t mean it to be nasty, if that makes sense.’

‘My mum always says, ‘if you can be anything, be kind’,’ Bailey replies with a ‘smiling’ emoji of her own.

‘Let me guess- your sister doesn’t always follow that advice?’ I ask.

‘Most of the time, she does,’ Bailey replies with a ‘shrugging’ emoji. ‘I think mum and dad would come down on her like a ton of bricks if she was ever cruel to me or anyone else just for the sake of it.’

‘My parents were the same way with my sisters most of the time,’ I type, before biting my lip- as empathetic as Bailey is, I don't want her to find out TOO much of what went on when I was younger.

‘Sounds horrible,’ Bailey types. ‘I know I’ve said this before, but I really hate bullies, I don’t care who they are or how they’re related to their victims.’

‘Thanks,’ I type, earning a ‘happy’ emoji from my friend. ‘So if you had a younger sibling, you wouldn’t tease them?’

‘I suppose I might sometimes tease them,’ Bailey concedes, ‘but I wouldn’t make them upset just to amuse myself, if that makes any sense. Bryony has four younger siblings, and if anything, they tease her more than the other way round.’

‘Thanks,’ I say with a ‘happy’ emoji of my own, even as deep inside, I muse on how, as I suspected, my sister was full of shit.

Bailey and I continue talking for the next half hour before she’s called away by her family, leaving me at a loose end for the rest of the daytime. While Sonia works in the living room, I try to occupy my time by playing on my phone and watching the usual Christmas television, but I find myself constantly distracted by my earlier chats with the girls. The more I talk with my friends, the more certain I am that Sonia and Melanie’s treatment of me growing up was NOT normal. However, it’s also not normal for a teenaged boy to yearn to be a girl, even if my friends would almost certainly accept me, and even if Lily and Bryony’s sisters are living proof that it does happen. And worst of all, the more I think about it, the more I wonder whether my ‘urges’ really are as a result of my sisters ‘teasing’ me when I was younger. No- worst of all is the fact that I can't share this with anyone. Not Bailey, not Lily, not Bryony, Sabrina, Molly or any of the girls, and certainly not Sonia or Melanie. And yet, the more I bottle these feelings up, the more I feel the pressure build inside of me...

After Sonia finishes her work and shuts down her PC, we share a quick evening meal- a far cry from tomorrow's fancy dinner, or even yesterday's- before settling down for yet more festive television. However, it quickly becomes obvious that the TV isn't enough entertainment for my sister.

“No chats with any of your many girlfriends tonight, then?” Sonia teases, giggling as I roll my eyes.

“My FRIENDS are all busy with their families tonight,” I reply, wincing as I hope I didn't touch the same sore spot with Sonia that Bailey inadvertently did with me earlier.

“Okay, okay,” Sonia says defensively. “I was just wondering…”

“Well, are you going to chat to any of your friends online tonight?” I ask my sister, who responds with an eye roll of her own.

“If you must know, I do keep in touch with them by text,” Sonia replies, her anger seemingly increasing, only to disappear instantly with a sigh. “And- okay, I guess your friends are as much my business as my friends are yours, you are entitled to your privacy etc. etc. I’m just concerned, you know? I effectively have to be your parent now, and-“

“Yeah- yeah, I get it,” I interrupt. “And I am, like, grateful and all that.”

“Glad to hear it,” Sonia says with a tired snort of laughter. “But I was never going to let you go to, like, an orphanage or anywhere like that. And it’s not like you need round the clock care or supervision, but- well, yeah, I guess.”

“Umm, okay,” I say, confused by the way Sonia suddenly ended her sentence. “And no, I’m not going to get up at 6am tomorrow either.”

“Good,” Sonia chuckles. “’Cause I know I’m damn sure not!” I share a smile with my sister as we turn our attention back to the television, keeping ourselves distracted for the rest of the evening.

Despite my promise of not getting up early tomorrow, I still head to bed just after 10:30pm, though as I lay awake (and even though I know I’m not supposed to), I scroll through my phone, looking at and leaving ‘likes’ on all of my friends’ social media posts. I smile at the video of Bryony’s younger sisters doing a special dance for their family, I giggle at the photo of Lily and her sister in complementary Christmas-themed dresses, and I sigh happily at the comparatively formal photo of Bailey, her sister and her parents standing in front of their Christmas tree. And yet, as much as I love to see my friends being happy, I still feel sorry for myself- not to mention envious. I don’t get to wear the fancy tutus that Bryony’s sisters wore, or the Christmas dress that Lily wore, or even the relatively plain, conservative blouse and skirt that Bailey wore. And I’m certainly not going to celebrate tomorrow with my parents, I think to myself as a tear trickles down my cheek. The worst thing, though, is I’m not sure what I’m most upset about…

"Wake up!" I hear a familiar voice shout as I'm shaken awake. "Come on, wake up, sleepyhead!" I open my eyes and look around, surprised to find that I'm back in my bedroom in our old house in Luton. What's most surprising, though, is the identity of the person who's shaking me awake.

"M- mum?" I ask, scarcely able to comprehend what I'm seeing.

"Merry Christmas, Lisa!" Mum says as she gives me a gentle hug. Lisa? I think to myself, before the memories come flooding back to me- of COURSE I'm Lisa. I've always been Lisa. My name is Lisa Marie Maxwell, and it's Christmas morning- a day I've been waiting for for forever.

In a flash, I'm dressed in a knee-length Christmas dress, a pair of thick navy-blue tights and a cute white cardigan. I have a hairband keeping my long, flowing hair away from my face and fancy earrings hanging from my lobes. I feel smothered in soft, yet strong feelings of femininity- and family, as proven as I walk downstairs and into the living room.

"Merry Christmas, Lisa!" Melanie says as she gives me a gentle cuddle, a wide, genuinely happy grin on her face. "Come on, mum says once we've helped set out the presents for everyone, we can start opening!"

"Cool!" I giggle girlishly as I kneel down next to my sisters, shuffling the presents around under the tree, only for a strange feeling of warmth to wash over me, and all of a sudden, the world starts to go dark.

"No..." I mumble as I feel myself return to the cocoon of my bedsheets- and the cold, unflinching grip of masculinity all around my body.

The sound of loud music wakes me up with a start, followed by my sister knocking on and sticking her head around my door, holding up her phone- the source of the music.

“Oh when the snowman brings the snow…” Sonia and her phone sing in unison, before my sister giggles excitedly and mercifully switches off the music. “Merry Christmas, Liam!”

“Merry Christmas,” I mumble as I roll over in bed, desperately trying to hide my tear-streaked face from my sister and praying to return to sleep even if it's just for one second- one second I can be back in my proper home, back with my proper parents- back in my proper gender...

“Oh, come on…” Sonia playfully chastises me. “I know I said I didn’t want you getting up too early, but that doesn’t mean you can spend all day in bed either! I’ve started breakfast, Mel’s texted and she’ll be here in a bit to open presents.”

“Okay, I’ll get up,” I sigh, throwing back my covers and stretching, before sighing at the sight of 'Liam's reflection in my wardrobe mirror. As I pass through the living room, though, I’m encouraged by the sight of a large pile of presents on the spot where I normally sit on the sofa- though I have to bite my lip to hold back the tears when I realise that none of them will come from my parents. And Sonia’s pile is a lot smaller than it usually was at home, too…

After breakfast, Sonia and I sit around watching TV for a while, before eventually Melanie knocks on our front door, instantly raising my tension levels.

“Merry Christmas, Liam!” Melanie says with the usual devilish look in her eyes, which makes me squirm despite my best efforts. “Did Santa bring you everything you asked for?”

“We haven’t even opened our presents yet, as we were waiting for you,” I mumble in reply, my cheeks flushing as this only serves to widen my sister’s grin.

“Aww, so you DID write a letter to Santa, then?” Melanie teases as I scream internally. You can’t even go sixty seconds without teasing me, can you? I think to myself. And you can’t even take today of all days off…

“Mel,” Sonia says quietly, which is enough to bring a scowl to Melanie’s face before she sits down next to her pile of presents on the sofa and starts handing out her gifts to me and Sonia.

After a quick drink, we start opening our presents, taking it in turns just as we did when we were children. I can tell from the shape of my presents that most of them are clothes, which I need, having grown out of most of the clothes I was wearing this time last year. However, I also know even before I open the gifts that they contain new jeans, trousers, men’s shirts are sweaters- and absolutely no skirts, dresses or anything like what Lily, Bailey and the others are inevitably opening right now. And while I’m sad that I’m not given even the slightest glimmer of hope that ‘Lisa’ might be accepted on this Christmas Day, I am at least grateful that for once, my Christmas won’t be 'used' for my sisters’ amusement. It’s my last present, though, which really surprises me the most.

“A- A PS4?” I ask, a grin spreading across my face as I unwrap the large box. “Wow, thanks Sonia!”

“Well- it’s second-hand,” Sonia explains. “And there’s only one controller, but there’s also a £30 voucher in there so can get yourself some games on it if you want.”

“Thanks, this is great!” I say, the genuine smile remaining on my face even as a frown spreads across Melanie’s.

“You kn- you DO know that mum and dad never approved of videogames, right?” Melanie asks Sonia quietly, but still loud enough for me to surreptitiously overhear (though I obviously pretend that I don't).

“Yeah, well, it’s not like he can play outside right now, is it?” Sonia replies. “Besides, I know his girlfriend has a PlayStation that she plays on a lot, so they’ll play together and, like, stay social that way.” Girlfriend? I think, before realising that they mean Lily. Rather than correct them as I usually would, I instead hold my tongue- I’m not supposed to be hearing this conversation, after all.

“Well- you’re his guardian, I suppose,” Melanie concedes. “Just seems a bit, you know, funny that you bought that using the money we inherited from mum and dad.”

“I can help you set that up later, if you want,” Sonia says, raising her voice to let me know that she’s addressing me once again.

“Thanks,” I say yet again. “And, like, thanks for all my presents.”

“You’re welcome, Liam,” Sonia says with a warm smile that’s no doubt meant to put me at ease, but still makes me feel sad- Melanie's not wrong when she said that mum and dad wouldn't have approved of my 'main present', and I would, without hesitation, trade it- and everything else I own- to have them back, especially today. I'd also gladly trade the console for the chance to be 'Lisa', even if just for a day...

After clearing away the wrapping paper, I head through to the kitchen to help my sisters prepare our Christmas dinner, eager to keep the day moving (and eager to get my PS4 set up, as well)- however, despite her earlier telling off by Sonia, Melanie can’t help but start in on me once again.

“So, Liam,” Melanie says, making my tension levels instantly rise, “how long have you been going out with your GIRLfriend, then?”

“I- I don’t have a girlfriend,” I mumble in reply, grimacing as my cheeks automatically redden.

“That’s not what I’ve heard…” Melanie teases in a singsong voice that immediately sets my nerves on edge. “If Lily isn’t your GIRLfriend, then who is she?”

“She- she’s just a friend,” I reply. “A school friend.”

“SURE she is,” Melanie sniggers.

“Well- don’t you have friends are work who are boys?” I retort. “Are any of them your boyfriend?”

“…Kinda hard to go on a date in the middle of a pandemic,” Melanie growls- clearly I’ve struck a nerve, but before I can needle her any further, Sonia takes control of the conversation.

“Okay, think we need to change the subject,” Sonia states firmly. “Are both of you okay watching the Queen at 3 o’clock?”

“No reason I wouldn’t be,” Melanie mumbles in reply, clearly smarting about having her ‘fun’ ruined.

“Sure,” I say with a shrug.

“I’ll head off right after the speech, then,” Melanie says. “We’re open from 6am tomorrow, so I’ll need to get an early night.”

“Oh- okay,” Sonia says, this news clearly taking her by surprise. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” Melanie says with a shrug. “It- it’s nothing you’ve done, Sonia, but it- it doesn’t really feel like Christmas, you know?” It’s not nothing that I’VE done, then, I think to myself.

“All the more reason to stay,” Sonia insists. “We are all the family that we have left. We need to remember that.” I bite my lip as Sonia glances over at me with almost a judgemental look in her eyes- even when I’m the tallest person in the room, she and Melanie can still make me feel like I’m five years old again…

“Yes, yes, I know,” Melanie sighs. “I just- ugh. Okay, I’ll stay until the end of Strictly. Will that be okay?”

“Of course,” Sonia says, smiling even as my heart sinks at the prospect of another four hours in my middle sister's company.

Fortunately, most of the morning and afternoon is taken up with preparing, eating and clearing away after our Christmas dinner, before returning to the sofa just before 3 o’clock to watch the Queen’s annual seasonal address to the nation. We spend the rest of the afternoon and early evening sat in front of the TV trying to digest our huge meal, rarely exchanging words- though this at least means I'm not the source of my sisters' amusement. After we bid farewell to Melanie just after 7pm, though, Sonia immediately turns to me with a serious look on her face, and once again I feel like the small boy I was made to feel like all throughout my life.

“…Liam,” Sonia says in a hesitant voice, pausing as she carefully considers her next words.

“Yeah- yeah, I know,” I say to break the awkward silence. “Mel’s my sister too, I should make more of an effort etc. etc.”

“No- no, that’s not it,” Sonia says. “I just- ugh, I dunno. Yes, she’s our sister, but you’re our brother too. And I’m meant to be more responsible for you than you are for us, if that makes sense?”

“Umm… I think so?” I reply, confused by my sister’s sudden change in demeanour.

“I get it, I’m still new to this whole ‘parenting’ thing,” Sonia says. “I’m not even sure I want kids of my own, but I do want to be there for you as much as I can. But I also need you to tell me where I’ve gone wrong, if there’s anything I should do differently, that sort of thing.”

“Okay,” I say with a shrug. “I dunno what, like ‘feedback’ I can give though. Other than asking Mel to stop taking the piss out of me so much.”

“Yeah, I know,” Sonia sighs. “And we all deal with- with loss in different ways, I guess. But I’ll have a word with her, I promise.”

“Thanks,” I whisper.

“And on the topic of ‘having a word’…” Sonia says, fidgeting as she sits back down in the living room. “Liam, I- I got you another- another, well, ‘gift’ of sorts. Something I don’t think it’s appropriate for Melanie to know about, not at this time.” My heart starts to flutter at what Sonia’s implying- even though I haven’t dressed or been dressed in years, and I haven’t so much as hinted at ‘Lisa’s’ existence to any of my friends, could Sonia have figured it out for herself? We have been spending a lot more time with each other than usual, with her working from home and both of us having nowhere else to go. I must have given off ‘signals’ that I didn’t realise…

“O- okay,” I say, sitting down and clasping my hands together to stop them from shaking.

“For the past three months,” Sonia begins. Here it comes… I think to myself. “…I’ve been seeing a therapist, a grief counsellor.” My adrenaline levels instantly drop as Sonia continues. That’s it? I think to myself. A grief counsellor?

“Umm… okay?” I ask, my heart sinking.

“She’s really been helping me with everything,” Sonia explains. “She’s someone I can just, well, talk to about anything. Losing mum and dad, taking responsibility for you, even isolation due to the pandemic. Obviously, I can only chat with her via video, and she’s a private counsellor, not NHS, but now that I’ve added you to my BUPA account as a dependant, there’s no reason why you can’t take advantage of this as well. I’ve spoken to her already and she’s open to the idea of talking to you- obviously, though, only if you want to. But I think it’d help you- she won’t judge you for how you feel, she’ll only listen and help you.” My heart starts to raise again at this prospect- just because I can’t reveal ‘Lisa’s’ existence to Sonia, it doesn't mean that I can't to this counsellor of hers. However, the flat’s walls aren’t exactly thick…

“Umm, if I call her,” I ask hesitantly. “Would you, like, give me-“

“I’ll make sure I’m somewhere else when you talk to her,” Sonia says. “I’ll go for a run or something. I’m glad you’re optimistic about this, Liam. I think talking to someone will do you good, someone who doesn’t have any, you know, ‘history’ with you. And while your friends are undoubtedly great, they’re not trained professionals either.”

“No, I guess not,” I say, before smiling and nodding. “Thanks, Sonia, I- I think this’ll be great. I really do.” And who knows? I think to myself. Maybe, with this counsellor’s help, ‘Lisa’ could become a reality much sooner than later…

“I’m glad,” Sonia says with a warm smile. “I’m talking to her next on Wednesday, so I’ll arrange an appointment for you when I do so. It probably won’t be until after your birthday, though.”

“That’s okay,” I say with a shrug. “I don’t mind waiting.” I mean, I’ve already waited nearly 14 years, I think to myself. What’s another month or so?

"Okay," Sonia says. "And I know it might be awkward for you to speak to a woman about your feelings, so I'll ask if she has, like, a male colleague for you to speak to instead, if you'd be more comfortable with that?"

"I-" I start to reply, before pausing. Would a male counsellor be more receptive to 'Lisa' than a female counsellor? Would I be able to tell another man that I wanted to be a girl? Right now, though, the only question in my mind is 'can I think of a reason to want to see a female counsellor that Sonia would accept?'. And the answer to that, I'm forced to admit, is no. "...Sure, I guess."

“Great!” Sonia says with a wide grin. “In the meantime, let’s get this PlayStation set up!” I smile and nod as I follow Sonia to my bedroom, where the fancy games machine is quickly hooked up to my small TV.

I spend the rest of the evening watching TV with Sonia while my new console downloads some games, before heading through to my bedroom just after 10pm. However, while my games are ready to be played, it’s not that which excites me the most, but rather the fact that when I boot up my laptop, I’m immediately invited into a group call.

“Merry Christmas Liam!” Daisy cheers excitedly as her face (along with those of several of my other friends) appears on my screen.

“Merry Christmas!” I reply with an excited giggle. “Did you all have a good day?”

“As good as possible, under the circumstances,” Lily replies. “It sucks that we couldn’t see my grandparents, though.”

“Same here,” Ariadna sighs sadly. “At Christmas last year we made a plan to spend the whole holiday in Poland with them.”

“I guess we’ll just have to spend time with our ‘other’ family instead,” Lily said with a confident smirk, the rest of our friends nodding as I frown with confusion.

“Umm… who’s the ‘other’ family?” I ask.

“Us, of course!” Daisy replies with a loud cheer.

“My sister’s always talking about how we have to ‘find our family’,” Lily explains. “Like, on her first day of secondary school, she went into school as a girl for the first time, and found friends who she’s still friends with now, and they’re more ‘sisters’ to her than even I am.”

“Isn’t that a bit, you know, offensive to you?” I ask.

“Not really,” Lily replies. “I mean, we’re stepsisters, so in a way, we chose each other as well. And more importantly, all of us have chosen each other, right?”

“Yeah!” All the other girls on the call cheer, making me smile.

“I mean, they always say that you can’t choose your family,” Lily continues. “God knows I wouldn’t have chosen my mum, and Laura DEFINITELY wouldn’t have chosen her so-called ‘dad’. But in a way, the family you choose is even more important than- oh- oh god, Liam, I’m sorry, talking about ‘family’ like this…” I bite my lip to blink back a tear as Lily blushes and looks away from the camera, looking almost like she’s holding back tears of her own.

“It’s okay,” I say with a grin. “And I agree with you. Heh, there are lots of times I prefer you ‘sisters’ to my real sisters, heh. Even though I am grateful that Sonia is, like, looking after me.” And you girls aren’t ever likely to make me dress up in ridiculous costumes for your own amusement, I think to myself. Though they may even help me, if I asked… If I was ever brave enough to ask, anyway.

‘Hi everyone,’ Bailey types into the chat, her smiling face appearing on screen before anyone can say anything further. ‘Did I miss anything?’

“Only that all of us are officially each other’s sister now,” Daisy replies. “Well- or honorary sister in Liam’s case, if that’s okay with you, Liam?” I’ll take ‘honorary sister’ over ‘little brother’ any day of the week, I think to myself.

“Yep, that works for me, heh!” I chuckle.

‘Cool!’ Bailey types, sporting a wide, toothy grin on screen. ‘I sent your present to your email address by the way.’ I smirk at the second half of Bailey’s message, before realising that it wasn’t sent to the group, but to me privately. As the girls quickly get down to showing off the new clothes and cosmetics they got for Christmas, I stealthily open up my email and read my last- but in a way, most special- gift.

‘Liam,’ the poem reads.

‘Boy who I’ve only just met, from
Luton, where he was raised and
Born, before coming to my home of
London.

Brown haired, brown-eyed,
Like a superhero, or maybe a
Boy band member, who
Likes all kinds of sport- especially
Basketball.

Lily, Molly and Daisy are our
Buddies, who we chat with at
Lunchtime and Breaktime,
Best friends who we will always
Love.

But I will always treasure
Liam, so please enjoy this
Bit of a verse I wrote, with
Love from your friend,

Bailey.’

I blink back a tear as I open up a private message to Bailey and thank her for her poem, flashing her a quick wink on screen and watching as she blushes. Sonia and Melanie were wrong- they’re NOT the only family I have left. I just wish I knew how to introduce my ‘new’ family to ‘Lisa’…