Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

February 28- March 6, 2016

February 28, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

I was not kicked out of the choir, but I also knew that I was not wanted there. It was because I am different. I am gender fluid that does not mind dressing in boy clothes or girl clothes. I even take puberty blockers to stop the male hormones. I just like looking pretty at times. I am excited about being a drag performer and looking pretty in front of an audience and dancing. I know this is not what other boys do. I have accepted that I cannot change who I am. I just need to be around people that accept me for who I am and not what I should be.

Mom says that Aunty wants to treat me like a baby girl. She had done this before when I did not want it. The difference was that this time I would not care if she treated me like a baby girl. This should worry me as to which 13-year-old would want to be treated like a baby and a girl. Doctor Mary said it's because the mad doctor screwed with my mind. This could be true. I did not have a diaper fetish. The thing is that when I feel like a baby, It is an escape from everything. It is like I am in a bubble with no one judging me, bullying me and no bad news. Maybe it would be normal to learn how to cope with these things. I was just not ready for that.

Then there was the problem with the kiss that Andrew gave me. I liked it! Does this mean that I am gay? The more I think about Andrew, the more that I realize he is cute. This is something that I do not want to face.

What is the problem with me? Do I need to be cured?

Billy found me in my room and told me he bought me a present. It was butterfly earrings. He smiled and told me that he never did understand why his brother was a sissy, but he also knew that despite that he was often critical towards me, he would always love me. This cheered me up. Billy still loved me and accepted my weird ways.

March 1, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

I wet myself on the way home from school. Only mom and Aunty noticed. After I got changed, I was alone with mom. She was feeling very bad but managed to say that I should speak with Aunty and find a solution for the wetting.

I did not get a chance to answer. Dad wanted to speak with Sarah and me. I was sure that he would not allow us to do the talent show.

“I have thought a lot about this,” he stated, “Our family is not like other families. Your mom is very sick. Allie is sometimes a boy and sometimes a girl and even wants to perform as a girl in public. Sarah also wants to perform and people will think she is a sissy as well! We do not have a normal family but what is normal? We do have a family that loves each other and supports each other. We are a good Catholic family that treats others as we would like to be treated. I cannot understand everything that is happening. Maybe I am old-fashioned. However, I will do my best to support you both. I am sure that you both will have fun at the talent show!”

It was time for a family hug. I knew Dad did not understand me, but he was trying.

March 2, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Before I went to school, I told aunty that we needed to talk. I told her that I have been wetting a lot and then I was silent. It was hard for me to admit and say. I think I must be the only 13-year-old that admitted he needed to wear diapers all the time. Aunty was not shocked when I suggested this and asked me was I sure. She did not want to be accused of making me wear diapers like she once had before. I told her it was only until my bladder was better, as I could still use the toilet when I had to take a dump.

Andrew noticed that I was quiet at school. He never guessed that it was because I was mad at myself for asking to wear diapers. He thought it was because Mom was sick or that I was mad at him for kissing me. I tried to cheer him up by telling him that I was not upset about the kiss. It felt nice.

Aunty had the diapers when I got home. Dad was not too happy about it and warned that he did not want me treated as a baby. Aunty agreed and said that it should be short-term. I should wear the taped diapers at home and pull-ups at school. I did not give my opinion. I just let the adults decide. When Sarah saw me in diapers, she joked and said that Annie would want to be my girlfriend again. I said there was no chance. She was stranger than I was! Mom laughed so hard when she heard this, that she ended up in a lot of pain and could not breathe. I was worried.

March 3, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Dad told us that we were not to go to school today. Mom was feeling very bad. The doctor was there when we and told us that Mom did not have a lot of time left. I could not speak and I just wanted to turn back time. I was dreading this day for weeks. How could I deal with watching my mom fade away into a corpse?

I did my best as Sarah and I spent most of the day beside Mom. She was drifting in and out of sleep. Her breathing was not normal and she looked so pale. We talked to her about school and the talent show. We promised her that we were being good. We did our best to put on a brave face. We even sang some songs that she loved. All the time, I wanted to cry and beg Mom to get better.

The priest came and gave mom her last rights. This was the adult way of saying that there was no more hope and that it was now in God's hands. I was mad at God. He had no right to take mom away from us. We still needed her. I needed her! The priest should have performed a miracle so we could keep her.

Later that day, Mum took Sarah's hand and my hand and held them for some time. Then she whispered in a very weak voice, “I love you both. I am proud of you both. Remember to love each other and protect each other. Remember to… Remember to be happy in life”

Then we let Billy have some private time with mom. I am sure that Dad wanted to have time with her as well.

March 4, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

I woke up and rushed down to my mom. I saw Sarah shaking her and crying begging mom to wake up. I just stood there. Mom was dead.

I ran to the backyard and sat under a tree. It was cold and wet, but I did not care. I started crying and could not stop. How could life be so hard? What would I do now? How would I live without a mom?

Sarah came out and just sat next to me. She had been crying a lot. We did not say anything to say to each other. We just looked around us. It was still winter, so everything looked so dead. Everything looked so empty. We did not know what to say or do. The only thing we could do was stare into nothing. After a long time. Sarah told me never to leave her. She did not want to be alone. I hugged her and started crying some more.

March 5, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

There was a lot of chaos in the house. They took mom to the chapel and everyone was coming by to give their condolences. Sarah was sitting in the corner of the room while Dad was drinking. Aunty was the only one that had a brave face on was arranging the funeral.

It was too much for me. I went out and hid under the tree again. I must have been there for hours. Aunty came out in the afternoon and gave me a pacifier. She did not say anything to me but told me that we each grieve in our way. “The world lost a good person and heaven gained an angel. They say time heals our wounds, and that is hard to see now. It is ok to grieve, just don’t let it eat away at your soul!”

I just sat there thinking how I could get this dark sorrow out of me. I was later joined by Bella. She rushed over to me as soon as she came home from school and her granny told her about mom. She put a blanket over me and told me that I must have been freezing. When I tried to hide the pacifier from her, she told me not to. I put my head on her shoulder and cried more than I had ever done in my life.

March 6, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

The next morning I went down to the sitting room and told everyone that I no longer wanted to do the talent show. I did not want to do anything that would make me smile. Sarah just looked at me without saying anything. I do not think that the others even thought about it.

This strange old woman came out of the kitchen and said, “You must be Alexander. I am the mother of your mom. I am your grandmother!”