Nathan was never the best with introductions. Starting conversations, getting people’s attention, keeping their interest, it was all very hard. Sometimes he’d just freeze up, not knowing what to say. So when two of his family members were staring him down, right across the doorway, he stood there, silent.

Then he tilted his head, and his father laughed.

“Been a long time since I’ve seen that.” He said. “Love to see you back, son.”

Mr. Parker walked inside and patted Nathan’s back, all while Nathan and Kate remained still and focused on each other. Seeing this, Mr. Parker smiled and left for his room, letting them have their moment.

“Hey Kate.” Nathan eventually said.

“Nathan.” She returned.

Nathan began tapping his fingers and thumb together repeatedly, one at a time, back and forth. It was a habit he often did out of stress, and he was certainly very stressed right now. What was he supposed to say? Was he supposed to apologize or… what? What did she want?

“Kate…” Nathan started. “I’m- I’m sorry I-”

He was cut off when Kate hugged him.

“I really missed you.” She said.

Nathan reached his arms around her back. “Me too.”

***

Nathan and Kate were both sat together on the couch, Nathan currently going through what he’d been doing for the past few months. He couldn’t tell all of it, obviously, but whatever he could tell, he did.

“What was Astian acting like before he went missing?” Kate asked, curious. “Was he acting weird?”

“Very.” Nathan confirmed. “Like I said, he was being very controlling, like he knew how to fix my life better than I did. Then he got mad and, well, I wish I could tell you why he robbed a bank but I can’t. He just did and now no one knows where the hell he is.”

“Are you mad at him?” She asked. “I’d be. If one of my friends ditched me like that I’d hate them for the rest of my life.”

“Trust me, I do.” Nathan answered. “I hate Astian, I really do. And no, it’s not for the robbery. While living together I learned that Astian isn’t the same person he used to be. He’s a real piece of shit now and I never want to see him again.”

“Wow, I never expected you to be that harsh. Are you sure you’re Nathan? Who are you and what have you done with my real brother?” She jokingly asked.

Nathan chuckled. “No, it’s still me. I’ve just lived a little more since you last saw me.”

“Well aren’t you just so clever?” Kate smirked. “I’m just kidding. I’m proud of you, Nathan. It’s nice to finally see you have a backbone.”

“Just because I said I didn’t like Astian?”

“When’s the last time you actually said someone was being an asshole to you?” She asked. “Doesn’t it feel good?”

Nathan looked down at himself and smiled. “Yeah.” He agreed. “It does.”

Kate punched his shoulder. “You bet your ass it does. Welcome to the real world.”

He snorted, grabbing his shoulder. Kate was a surprisingly hard hitter now, had she been lifting while he was gone?

“Nathan?” Kate asked, bringing her voice low, as if asking something forbidden. “Were you and Astian ever… you know, a thing?”

Nathan’s face fell. Oh lord, how did he forget that Kate always used to tease him about that! He’d been so wrapped up in Natalie, he didn’t realize he was talking about Astian like they were dating! Which granted, they were, but he wasn’t about to tell his sister that.

Nathan must’ve been very flustered and his face very red, because Kate’s mouth immediately turned into a very evil grin.

“I knew it!” She said excitedly. “Finally, I was right! I knew I was!”

“Listen Kate.” Nathan tried to say. “We weren’t-”

“Don’t lie to me Nathan, I know that look. You two were totally dating weren’t you?”

Nathan’s tone suddenly became very firm. “Listen Kate, it was nothing like that. If you let me finish I’d say that. We were just friends, that’s all we ever were. We’re not even that anymore. But we were never dating, okay!?”

Kate backed off. “Geez fine, no need to be so harsh about it.”

“Well, I never liked your jokes about me and Astian being gay. They embarrassed me.”

“Okay, I won’t tell any.” Kate said. “But you understand I told those jokes when I was like what, ten? I just thought they were funny. Again, I was ten.”

“I know.” Nathan said. “But your question reminded me of the jokes. And then you got all excited. You have to understand why that would make me upset, right?”

“Yes I know.” She said. “And I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too.” Nathan said honestly. “For getting so worked up over a dumb joke. I mean, let’s face it, me and Astian are kind of gay.”

Kate grinned again. “Very gay.”

Nathan chuckled darkly. “More gay than you could possibly imagine.” He thought.

***

Taking a seat at the dining room table, Nathan rested his head on his hand and stared at the wall across from him. He didn’t have the will to get out his phone and browse around the internet on it, so he tapped his finger on the table instead.

He didn’t want to lie to Kate. But what else was he supposed to do?

He knew he couldn’t tell her about Natalie, but did he have to be so hard on her for that joke? After all, he really did date Astian, even if it wasn’t in the way Kate would think. They were both being kind of gay.

Nathan caught himself snickering. Yes, they were both definitely being very gay. God, he could only imagine Astian up there in magic prison, telling his roommate about how he ended up there. “Yeah I turned my best friend into my girlfriend. I have a photo of her, you wanna see it? Here, I made sure she was a real babe, isn’t she the hottest girl you’ve ever seen? What, no it’s not gay, I changed her memories so she wouldn’t remember. It was identity death. No, identity death is not gay, shut up. It’s not gay. I’m telling you it’s not gay, it’s not!” That’d be Astian all right.

Nathan frowned. Every time he thought about Astian and him being together, even as a joke, it wasn’t long before he felt sick to his stomach. Astian manipulated him and abused his trust, he didn’t deserve for this relationship to be recognized. He deserved nothing, and if that meant having to lie to Kate, then so be it.

Nathan sighed. Why couldn’t life be simpler?

***

Dinner was served, and with it, his parent’s endless questioning of his plans for the future. Nathan was fine with talking about his life to Kate when it was voluntary, but having to answer to his parents’ constant grilling was incredibly unpleasant, to say the least of it.

Maybe he should’ve written down some future plans before he came. Damnit, where was Natalie when he needed her? She was so much better at this.

“I hear you have a new job?” Mrs. Parker asked.

“Yes, at a Home Depot a couple miles away from my apartment.” Nathan answered. “Working at the paint department. It has a good salary, I’ll be able to keep the apartment, provided I don’t get fired… again.” He added with an awkward laugh.

“Seems rather easy.” Mr. Parker remarked.

If Nathan could, he’d definitely groan, but he had an image to maintain and so he kept it down. “Well, it’s retail. And dealing with customers is never easy, you know.”

“Do you have any other places you’re looking at?” Mrs. Parker asked.

This was her way of asking if he had a plan to not mix paint at Home Depot for the rest of his life, which to be fair, was a reasonable thing for her to not want. It’s not like he’d want his own kid to be working a job like that forever.

“Not at the moment, no. But I do plan on making a list of options I can take to move forward.” Nathan said. “Oh, and by the way Mom, this lasagna is wonderful. Have you ever thought of sharing recipes?”

Mrs. Parker smiled. “I have, thank you.”

Nathan smiled back. Truthfully, he hadn’t just said that to suck up to her. This was very good lasagna.

“I wanted to-” Nathan tried to say, but was cut off by his father talking at the same time.

“You go first.” Mr. Parker said.

Nathan nodded. “Well, what I wanted to say is that for the past two weeks, I have only gotten drunk once.”

“Nathan, that’s wonderful.” Mrs. Parker said.

Kate gave him a thumbs up from across the table, having already heard this.

“Good job.” Mr. Parker said.

“Thanks guys. I want to make it clear that from now on, no more drinking.”

“Oh, you shouldn’t hold yourself to that kind of standard.” Mrs. Parker said. “Everyone deserves some wine every once in a while.”

“And beer.” Mr. Parker added. “It’s something I never got about you, an alcoholic who doesn’t drink beer.”

“Thanks Dad.” Nathan said flatly.

Mr. Parker snorted. “But yes.” He started to say. “I think in your position, it’s probably best to not drink at all for a few months. Just to get yourself back in order.”

“That’s the plan.” Nathan affirmed. “There’s not one bit of alcohol in my apartment.”

Mrs. Parker squinted her eyes at him. She had always been very attuned at catching people when they were lying, and at that moment Nathan knew he’d been caught.

“Okay so there's still some vodka left in the fridge.” He admitted. “But that’s it, after that it’s done.”

Mrs. Parker smirked.

“Well, Nathan. I must say I’m pleasantly surprised. You seem rather on top of things.” Mr. Parker said.

“I’m doing my best.” Nathan answered.

“Good.” Mr. Parker replied. “Now, I really have to ask this, are you seeing anyone?”

Nathan froze, immediately stopping his chewing.

“Listen dear, we’ve been over this. If he doesn’t want to be with anyone, then that’s that.” Mrs. Parker said firmly.

“I know.” Mr. Parker said back. “I was just asking if he’s found anyone he really liked.”

Nathan swallowed. He looked around the table for any support, and thankfully he did get some from Kate, who gave him a sympathetic smile.

“Not right now, no.”

“Hmm… well, that’s okay. As long as you’re doing well.” Mr. Parker said. “Though, I do want to ask, did you see anyone while you were gone?”

“Honey-” Mrs. Parker started to say, before Nathan cut her off.

“No, it's fine. He’s just curious. I don’t want to be oversensitive.” He gave Kate a knowing look.

Mrs. Parker nodded and backed off.

Nathan brought his hands together and interlocked his fingers. “There wasn’t anyone in particular I was seeing.” He started. “But…”

He stopped, his eyes had met Kate’s again, taking him back to when he talked to her earlier. He had been so harsh, all because she assumed he was dating Astian. She wasn’t even wrong and he still got worked up. He took his anger out on her.

He lied to her.

Nathan hated lying. He wasn’t good at it either.

And judging from the look in Mrs. Parker’s eyes, he knew he’d been caught again.

That was the final straw. No more lies, it was time to be honest.

“I was seeing someone.” Nathan admitted. “They were my very first love.”

He began his story, his family listening intently. “I already knew them well, and we hit it off. We did everything together. Almost everything at least. Stuff as small as watching movies together and eating out. We went on walks through the city, and went to the beach together. They just knew how to make me feel special. And it felt good, it felt very good. I didn’t realize it at the time but… being loved feels good, you know? I loved them, and they loved me back. I still remember the day they proposed, and I said ‘yes’. I was so happy.”

The rest of the family was dead silent. “There was a problem though.” He said. “I loved them as a person, but they didn’t really love me like that. They loved me like I was something they owned. And they did some awful things to me, things that are still a blur to think about. They actually forced the relationship in the first place, they forced me to love them, and I still enjoyed it. We had to break up, but even that was forced. It would never have happened if life didn’t demand it. Right now, I hate them. I never want to see them again. But that’s not the worst part.”

Nathan’s family stood still, waiting for the end.

“The worst part is that that horrible relationship… was the only time I ever felt loved.”

“Sweetheart, I’m so sorry.” Mrs. Parker said.

“Why are you saying ‘they’?” Mr. Parker asked, curious. “...Nathan, is there something you want to tell us?”

Nathan grabbed a paper towel and wiped his mouth. “Thank you for the meal, Mom. It was very good. And thanks for letting me stay.”

Nathan took his plate and tossed it in the sink, leaving to go upstairs without another word.

***

Nathan sat on the side of what was left of his bed, with his door shut and locked. It was just like being a teenager again, leaving dinner early to hide in his bedroom and avoid the family. What a nostalgia trip. His parents should be thankful he was never one to blow up.

Cupping his face, Nathan was still unsure if he regretted what he said. He essentially “came out” to his parents and told them everything about Astian. Even if he never said his name, there was no way they couldn’t figure out who he was talking about. It’s not like he talked to anyone else.

So his parents probably thought he was gay. And as Nathan thought about it more, was that even a lie? Thinking back to his sexuality before his transformation was muddling. He knew he was definitely attracted to women, but was he attracted to men too? He sure was attracted to Astian as Natalie, but that was only because Astian made him so. Was that attraction to men natural? Did Natalie like men because he did?

Nathan wouldn’t put it past Astian to forcibly change his sexuality to make him a straight woman, and honestly, if he knew that was the case, that’d make it easier. He wouldn’t have to question so much. But the fact that he didn’t know made everything so much more complicated. It was just like how he didn’t know how much control Astian had over what happened in Natalie’s life. Did he implant every single memory himself or did he just say “make Nathan born a girl” and let the rest happen by itself? These were the kinds of things that made his brain hurt.

A knock was heard on the bedroom door.

“Hello? Are you in there?” A female voice, Kate’s voice, asked. “I wanted to know if you needed to talk.”

Nathan turned toward the door, his eyes catching a glimpse of his reflection on his phone. Even from that short glimpse, he could tell that he looked like shit. His hair was a mess and he looked like he was about to cry. He really needed to talk.

“Come in.” He said.

Kate opened the door and stepped inside, making sure to close it on her way in. “Hey.” She said. “Are you okay?”

Nathan sent Kate a glum look. “No more lies.” He repeated in his thoughts. “No more lies.”

“No.” He said.

Kate took a seat next to him on the empty bed. “This person you were talking about, it was Astian wasn’t it?”

“Yes.” He sniffed, his eyes starting to tear up. “Oh lord, not now. Anytime but now.”

“Hey hey, it’s okay.” Kate told him.

“No, it’s not okay.” Nathan said, his face becoming overrun with tears. “You don’t understand what happened, you could never understand what happened because I’m not allowed to say it.”

“Listen Nathan, I promise I-”

“You can’t.” He interrupted. “I don’t want to yell at you, but you can’t know what he did because you wouldn’t get it. I could barely get it myself. It took time.”

Kate put an arm around Nathan’s shoulder. “So maybe I can’t get it. I don’t know what it is I can’t get, but I don’t care. He hurt you, didn’t he?”

Nathan nodded. His entire face was trembling. He, or maybe she, thought a switch might have just occurred, but they couldn’t tell for sure.

“It’s my fault.” They were able to get out through their sobs. “If I hadn’t-”

“It’s not your fault.” Kate said.

“But I was a failure! He wouldn’t have done any of it if I had my life in order.” Nat tried to argue.

“No, stop it. It’s no one’s fault but Astian’s that he hurt you. People like him hurt others no matter what. It’s got nothing to do with you.”

“But it did, we were… it’s because…”

“Because what?” Kate asked.

“Because… I loved him.”

And that was what hurt Nat the most. For all the hurt Astian had caused, and all they wanted to say he never meant anything, they couldn’t lie to themselves.

They really did love him.

They hugged, they kissed, they made love, and Nat remembered all of it. Moreover, Nat remembered enjoying it. They enjoyed when Astian proposed and made them feel like the most special girl in the world. They enjoyed when they went on dates and watched movies together. They enjoyed resting on his shoulder. Anytime they were having a bad day, all they needed was to see Astian’s smile and everything would be fine.

They were going to get married. They were going to move out and live in a nice house together, have a lot of children, and live an amazing life. Nat was going to be his wife, a mother, and they were so excited about it. Every moment spent with Astian was a moment spent in heaven.

All the while, to Astian, Nat was nothing more than a pretty face for him to fuck.

Kate hugged Nat as they wept, not bothering to control their ragged breathing.

“I’m sorry you had to see this.” Nat said. “God, everything’s so muddled, I don’t know what’s real anymore.”

“If you keep obsessing over what you think is real, you’ll be miserable your whole life.” Kate said. “Do me a favor Nathan, focus on what you know. Don’t think about Astian, don’t think about the past, just look ahead. Does that help?”

Nat sniffed, a smile appearing on their face. “Yes, it does.”

Kate smiled back and hugged Nat tightly, a hug they happily returned.

“I love you.” Kate said.

“I love you too.” Nat said back.

Kate broke off the hug and smiled. “I’ve got to head to my room now, I have homework to do. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Nat wiped a stray tear off their face.

“Remember what I said, okay?”

Nat nodded, smiling a very infectious smile. One that Kate caught instantly.

Kate left the room, and Nat walked to the window, watching all the stars across the night sky. They still didn’t know if Nathan or Natalie was in control, and they loved it. They knew it wouldn’t last. Come morning, it’d be back to one or the other. But, just for a single night, they almost felt like a complete person. And that was something they’d remember for decades to come.

“Shoot for the stars, Nat.” They told themselves.