When I agreed to accompany my friend to Ohio, I thought it was a blessing. Some of you were slightly jealous, and I can't blame you. Now that we have been here for slightly over 10 weeks, here is a progress report:

When we got to Ohio, it was hotter than any place I had ever experienced except for Bangkok Thailand, or Maybe Fort Gordon, GA, or Lawton Oklahoma. It was unspeakably hot. I had been in 110 or 120 degree temperatures before but the humidity was low. This at a mere 85 was absolutely smothering because of the humidity. Thankfully, now in November, it freezes at night.

There was a huge surprise for me when we got here, because my room mate is like totally broke. So, now I am doing 2/3 of the expenses, not 1/3 and with my own debt load it has been very hard. For the rest of the time here, the debt load should be less, and hopefully I will be able to save enough money to get back to Portland. The trips to the UK, Turkey and New Zealand I had dreamed of will not happen, save the arrival of a knight in brightly polished armor and a fat check book. What ever, life goes on.

All this would be minor, but the girls are working so hard at finishing college that they have no time for almost any socializing. Yet, I often hear them talking to boy friends and family members on their phones. I ask myself, what about me? Can't they spare sometime for me. Maybe I really am literally, "The Silk Purse". They are both vegetarians, and most of the time I just eat what they do just to keep the peace, but tonight, out of exasperation, I went to Burger King. They wanted to say something, but when they saw the look on my face, common sense prevailed.

I am trying very hard to be the person I aspire to being; willing to give selflessly and unselfishly to help a couple of young people get started in life a little more easily. Of course, either one of them could have joined the military and let Uncle Sam pay for their education, if they lived. Many people in my generation did not get the choice. Some of us did not live or came back maimed to help the rich get richer, not because patriotisim demanded it.

So, tonight, I sit here thinking that if I had the money saved, in the morning, I would perhaps be driving West on I-90 headed home to Portland. I'd do so with a sense of failure because that would mean that I just did not have the gentle and giving nature that I so wanted to have. I'm fed up; not angry but just emotionally shattered.

To those of you who wished me well, if I could I might fail you. To those who were somewhat jealous, you could feel smug satisfaction because I was not half what I tried to be.

There will be no further drama on the subject. I am a little "sadder and hopefully wiser". It will be over by mid June, hopefully. The next time someone wants me to do something like this with them, ah not so much.

Too early we get old and too soon we get tired, and the world is not a better place after all.

Gwendolyn