CHAPTER 32
We fed everyone, at least those who wanted feeding, and then it was time for a weather check. It had rained in the night, so a lot of the crags were moist enough to put the serious climbers off, but Dad had already sorted out a fallback plan.

We made our way in a solid mass of people down to the main road, shedding several of our schoolmates en route. The T10 bus dropped us all off at Gwern Gof Isaf, where we started the short ascent of Braich y Ddeugwm. Nobody felt safe to drive, after such a night, but the air was helping with hangovers, and the walking was simple and safely away from tricky ground. We had divided our route into two options, with a wimping out spot, as Neil called it, by Llyn Caseg Fraith, where the Miners’ Path led down to the gap between Tryfan and Bristly Ridge before dropping past Bochlwyd to Idwal Cottage. Those planning on staying the course would then continue up and over the two Glyderau before dropping down to the same spot for tea and a snack. In the end, nobody ‘wimped’, which left us with the traditional game of ‘How many people can we get onto the Cantilever at once?’, and a set of photos taken by a passing couple of walkers. The skies weren’t exactly blue, but the cloud-base was well clear of the summits. We arrived at the Ogwen Falls car park, and that was another present from friends, as Sali and the other girls shelled out for a hot drink for all of us.

I couldn’t think of anywhere better to live, especially as I drank my tea sitting on one of the low walls with my lover slumped against me.

“Alys?”

“Mmm?”

“Wondering… Look, assume we get our places at Uni, okay? Get the right A-level grades?”

“Yes…”

“Well, it means Mam can run us there and back. Just her work commute, isn’t it?”

“Well, yes. I did think there… Enfys, I’ve been thinking about this, and it’s four years, all told, if we include the placement year”

“And?”

“In the nicest of ways, do we want to be tied to your Mam all that time?”

My heart had lurched at the first ‘thinking about this’, my self-belief so fragile, but she was smiling at me, even if there was a hint of a blush there. This was the new Alys, the survivor; she was clearly looking to make her own choices.

She looked down at her knees for an instant, then back up, staring straight into my eyes.

“I was wondering if we could share somewhere closer to the Uni, love”

My mouth opened and closed a few times, then I just nodded. I wanted to say so, so much, but the words were not there for me. She continued what was now obvious to me as a prepared speech, her hand trembling as she held mine, doing her best to justify her plan, until I simply kissed her, pulled back, and said “Yes”

We settled back into a hug, looking over towards the chaotic slopes of Pen yr Ole Wen, but she was silent only for a few seconds.

“Gap year, then. Placement thing. You are doing it at the Brenin, aren’t you?”

“Should be. Dad says they are willing to have me”

“Fine. I… Enfys, I have dreams, you know”

“I know, love. So do I”

“Yes, but this is… I don’t want to leave you here, please understand, but I really want to do something special with my placement. There’s a thing, a team, working on dieback in Australia. That’s a sort of infection the plants get that causes them to rot and die. They know what it is, and they’re working on how to stop it. It’s a big thing, real conservation work, and…”

She looked at me again, and this time there was a much better grin.

“The birdwatching would be amazing. Trouble is, we’d be apart for most of a year. First time. We’d…”

She sat up straight, shoulders squared.

“That’s my plan, love. We see how well we live together, then how well we survive… how well our LOVE survives time apart. I have to know, love. Make a difference”

She turned away again, settling back into my arms as her voice broke a little once more.

“Been a target all my life, Enfys. Only thing I ever did to make a difference was when I did that thing to get my parents to listen. Everything else has been done to me by someone else. I need to see if I can go out and make that difference back. Can you understand that?”

I hugged her to me, feeling her trembling, doing my best to ease it by cuddling her close.

“Yes. I believe I can. If it’s what you need…”

Suddenly, I found myself laughing, possibly in relief, but at least it was a genuine sound.

“What’s funny, love?”

“Oh, Alys! It just struck me: how many other lesbians of our age are there going to be round here?”

“And how many did you want there to be?”

“Just you. That’s all. Now, my bum is getting cold on this stone. Time to head for the bus stop?”

She shook her head.

“Not just yet, love. It’s… Worried, yeah?”

She squirmed a little deeper into my embrace.

“Not sure, am I? Not… Look, I don’t know if I do ‘girl’ right, do I? How do I know if I am doing ‘lesbian’ the right way?”

Her voice dropped again, almost to a whisper, as she repeated her own words.

“I don’t even know if I’m doing ‘girl’ the right way, do I?”

I tightened my hug, a timely memory popping into my head.

“Read something once, love. Written by another trans woman, I think, about a trans girl getting told off for wearing trousers. ‘Boy’s clothes, the comment was. She says back, they’re her clothes, she’s wearing them, she’s a girl, so they are girl’s clothes. I think…”

I kissed the top of her head.

“You’re a girl, so whichever way you do things, that’s a girl’s way. Come on; bus stop”

The topic was dropped, at least as far as her trip abroad was concerned, but I resolved to see what sort of accommodation was available in Bangor. So much to think about, but, to my internal surprise, astonishingly little that worried me. We gathered the rest, and as the bus made its way down the valley to Bethesda, I raised the related question.

“Travel, aye? What’s happened to that promise from your Dad about seeing the Rhine of that river in France, with all the castles?”

Her grin was back.

“Fair point, well made, and I can get a proper passport now, one with an ‘F’ on it. Camping and foreign food do you?”

“As long as the company’s going to be good!”

Her Dad, sitting in front of us, must have overheard, turning in his seat to look back at us over his shoulder..

“Next trip is a piece on the Cathars, girls. It will be a very long drive down and back”

Alys sat up straighter.

“Where’s that, Dad?”

“Youth of today, no education… South of France, but no way are we going in July or August. Got an idea, though, on that one. University starts at the end of September. Gives us about three weeks before you’d have to be back, and if necessary we could drop you at an airport. You both up for that?”

We both nodded, and he grinned.

“Both of you are forgetting one thing, though, and that is actually getting to university in the first place. Books out when we get home, girls!”

His smile dropped a little before his next words.

“Alys spoken to you about placements, Enfys?”

I found my words missing, so just nodded, as did Mr Edwards.

“Two years to get settled, love, and things might change. Only thing we can ever guarantee, change. You’ll need to speak to your parents as well, just so your Dad can decide if he can manage this Summer on his own.

“Excuse me, Mr Edwards”

It was Sali.

“Been listening, sorry. You talking about driving all the way to the South of France, I mean. Enfys: your Dad need someone for a student job for the holidays? Would sort you out, and I could do with a little bit of work before uni”

She giggled.

“I mean, I already know where things are in the bunkhouse, after last night and that…”

She was blushing a little, so I didn’t push matters.

“I’ll ask him for you. Sounds like an idea, anyway. You not have any holidays planned?”

I got a little dig from Alys, who was waving her hand near my waist in a very clear ‘Don’t!’ signal. I gave her knee a squeeze in acknowledgement, just as the bus arrived at our stop and it was time to pile off and start the walk uphill. My lover made an excuse by fiddling with her bootlace, letting the others get a little way ahead of us, then turned to me with a slightly sad smile.

“Sali’s courting, Enfys. You catch her blush? When she said where things were in the bunkhouse?”

“Yes?”

“Well, last night, her and Colin Philips, they were finding out where things can go”

“No!”

“Yes. Round by the recycling bins. Word is that Col is going to be helping his Dad over the Summer, in the chippy”

Suddenly, she burst out laughing, and each time I went to ask her what was funny, she was hit by another wave of hilarity. Finally, as I tugged her uphill towards our homes, she managed to get the words out, one by one.

“Don’t. Talk. To. Sali. About. Battered. Sausages”

We arrived home breathless, and still snorting. Unfortunately, we still had to hit the books that evening. Our exams were almost upon us.