CHAPTER 19
The film was a surprise, in so many ways. Very American, so I missed a lot of the references when I first saw it, as well as extremely dated. I watch it now, and the assumptions it contains about race and class are shockingly clear, but that first viewing spoke directly to me. Dumbo was utterly alone, save for one friend who came from an utterly different world.

The people he consorted with and held to as friends were outcasts, which meant ‘black’ for the purposes of the film, something I spotted without needing to know the term ‘Jim Crow’.

In so many ways, I was Dumbo. The scenes with his mother cut me to the core, and it was probably the first time I really understood that my mother might have been as much of a victim of my wonderful father as I had been.

I will gloss over my reaction to the ‘Elephants on Parade’ dream scene. Simply, it scared me, which was a surprise, bit I suspect it was a mixture of the idea of being out of control mixed with the obvious concept of unwanted visitors in the night. I really need to say no more on that subject.

We travelled there and back by bus, and on our return, Ken started the cheese on toast, which was rather more elaborate than I had expected, involving sliced tomatoes and mushrooms, as well as the option of adding Tabasco sauce to it all, which I declined. The water heater had left enough in the tank for a proper bath, and I was simply allowed to soak until I was wrinkled and utterly relaxed. I returned to the kitchen in a borrowed dressing gown, while Lorraine busied herself making hot chocolate for the three of us.

“Debbie…”

“Yes?”

“I said we needed a talk, and we do. Nothing to worry about, love. I think we already sorted out that stuff about you having to leave, am I right?”

“Is this about the neighbours?”

“No. Well, yes. Partly. We need to get a story straight for them, but there’s more to talk about, and it will be important stuff, love. Ken and I have been sorting out who you are, so it will be back to his niece, for now. What’s your sister’s name, love?”

Ken slipped into a chair next to me, which was a nice touch, as it made me feel more like someone involved in a discussion rather than facing interrogation across a table.

“Brenda, Loz. Ben for short. Been thinking, and got an idea. We’ve already got Deb’s hair explained, so I thought we’d do some character assassination on Bren”

I looked at him in surprise.

“Won’t she be upset?”

He took my hand, smiling.

“Ain’t no such person, duck. Just thought we’d already made her ill, so if we drop hints she’s actually an alcy, then we have the perfect reason for you being with us. We just need to make sure we have a simple story, and that it’s straight between us. Can you do that bit? Stick to the story, not add anything to it? Too nasty to talk about?”

I nodded, and Lorraine brought out a couple of heavy-looking books.

“Managed to get these in Canterbury, love. Expensive shit, but there was a good bookshop there for the students. This is more important, I think. I just need a few answers to some questions. Who are you, Debbie?”

“Debbie Petrie. Bren’s daughter”

Lorraine sighed, shaking her head.

“No, love. We know what you were christened, and that was William Wells. We know you call yourself Debbie. Which bit’s the truth? This isn’t a test, nor a quiz. No right or wrong answers. We just need to know before we move on”

I looked at each of them in turn, seeing no clues in their expressions. Start from scratch, then.

“They said I was a boy when I was born, and they called me William. Billy. I always knew they were wrong. I told Mam… I told my mother once, and she told my father, and he used his belt on me, and then did it every time he said I was acting like a pansy. That’s why I used to go off to Chester so much. How I ended up… How I ended up in that place in Runcorn”

Ken’s voice was without tone.

“So are you Billy or Debbie?”

“Debbie. Always was, always will be”

He nodded to Lorraine, who gave a tight smile.

“Persistent, consistent, clearly expressed. That’s all those boxes ticked, according to the books. Ken, love, want to tell Debbie how we met? The facts, this time?”

“Ah. Debbie, we told you bits, and that was mostly true, but I was a patient for a while, not just a squaddy in Krautland. I am not going into details, ever, but I joined the army very young, and I ended up in Egypt, and then in Brunei, and then in Aden. People got killed. I got sick. Loz was a nurse on the loony ward”

She reached for his hand, joining us all together.

“Not a loony, love. Just a decent man who had seen too much of the wrong shit. Debbie, I started out as a ward nurse, then went into theatre, but I finished up on what they call the psychiatric ward. That was enough for me, but it taught me a few things. Got some more books in the living room, left over from my nursing days, but these are the important ones. I needed to know what you are, not just what you say. ‘First do no harm’, they say, so I wanted to find out as much as I could, and there will be sod-all in the local library”

“Easier with some biccies, duck?”

“Thanks, love. Debbie, these books talk about a lot of weird shit, but there is one thing called ‘gender identity disorder’. It’s where a man really feels he should be a woman, or the other way round. They’ve tried all sorts of ways to treat it, from ECT to psychosurgery, but there’s a newer way, which is sort of helping it along”

“What’s ECT and psychowhatsit?”

Lorraine winced.

“Not nice things, love. Not nice at all. I don’t really want to talk about them, OK? Perhaps when you’re older?”

That last remark warmed me, with its assumptions. Lorraine continued.

“So what I have been doing is looking up the newer way, and what it adds up to is letting people live the life they feel is right, as well as making what changes are possible to their bodies”

“You mean cutting willies off?”

“Um, sort of, but that is not what I mean. Thing called puberty will hit you around now, if it hasn’t already started, and unless you are physically odd, you will start to become a man. Voice breaking, beard growing, body hair, all that stuff. I could stop it with an operation, but that is not something I am prepared to do to you. I spoke to Phil when we got the crab blue, and he is doing us a favour, and this is where we need your decision. On two things, love”

My heart was in my mouth, as I had guessed which operation she meant, and that was castration.

“What two things?”

“Ah, I have been busy in the market towns, Debbie. There are two processes we could start here. I have looked up what they call anti-androgens, which is what Phil is getting for us. Please don’t ask how. That is one side of things, and the other is something I have been squirreling away”

She paused to crunch a biscuit, before resuming.

“It’s two things, love. First one is to stop your body changing, and that is something that the books say can be a temporary thing. Like the pause button on the cassette player, yeah?”

“Yeah. What’s the second bit do?”

“Ah, that’s tip you over the divide onto my side. Give you the chemicals that women make in their own bodies. Women who don’t have your problem, that is”

“How do you get those chemicals? Phil again?”

She laughed out loud, seeming to relax just a little.

“Nope! Much easier, especially for a gyppo. Family planning clinics! Same pills, in many ways. Not perfect, but if we get the right ones, they do the same job, near as damn it, and I have Phil looking for some stuff from vet suppliers. Anyway, I have been dropping into a clinic in each town and picking up a three-month supply of the Pill in each one. This is where you have to choose, and where Ken and me will do a little bit of nannying”

“So my choices are whether to stop myself growing into a boy, and then whether to make myself start growing up as a woman?”

“Exactly! But, well, I want to see how it goes with the ‘stopping’ bit first, love. Lots of dangers in the second part. Neither of us here want you diving into something you might regret later, no matter how good it seems to you right now”

She paused, looking down at her mug.

“There was a parcel waiting when we got in, a fat envelope, really. From Phil”

She gave me the first injection just before bedtime.

I awoke in some confusion to light rain on the windows and utter disorientation, before realising where I was. It was the first night in a very long time when I had slept so far away from my new parents (Aunt and uncle, Deb: remember!) but I actually felt safe, despite their absence. There was a sore spot on my buttock from the injection, but I didn’t care about that, as it reminded me of the path we had started out on the night before.

Who was I? Debbie Petrie, pure and simple. Debbie Petrie got out of her bed, pulled on some of the clothes we had already put away in the drawers, and went downstairs to fill the kettle ready for breakfast. Looking out of the kitchen window, I could see a medium-sized garden with a large tree at the far end, a green bird with red and black head markings pecking at the grass while a robin perched on the fence seemed to stare at it. An arm went round my waist just as Lorraine’s scent hit my nostrils, and she reached across to take the kettle from me.

“Works better plugged in, love. That one’s a yaffle. Green woodpecker. They like to eat ants, so you find them on your lawn a lot. Reminds me. Not too cold yet”

“What for?”

“Just say tonight. Love, ‘not too cold yet’, and I will show you. Now, porridge, I think. Then toast. Then, my girl, study time!”

“But it’s a Sunday!”

“And?”

I found myself laughing, as I did more and more with the two of them. Life was good, and it was moving, at last, in the direction I needed it to. I applied myself to English and Maths after breakfast, in as honest a way as I could manage, and to my surprise lost track of the time. Ken and Loz, not Mam and Dad just now, girl, rattled round the house doing odd jobs of maintenance or menu planning, while I worked through Euclid and simple algebra, and I was in another world when Ken threw my coat onto my open textbook.

“Sunday dinner, duck. Remember: Brenda, Bren, and ‘no, we don’t talk about her and the gin bottle’. Got that?”

“Got it. What are they like, Carol and Tim?”

“Um, good people. He’s a session musician, plays guitar and bass. She works at the Chase”

“The what?”

“The Chase hospital. Why we get on, I suppose, or at least why she gets on with Loz. Anyway, time for munchies, so imshi!”

I imshied, as Lorraine had explained to me what seemed like an age ago, and we made the short journey from one driveway to another. Ken rang the bell, and the door opened on a tall man with hair to his shoulders.

“Hiya, you two. And who’s this?”

“Lorraine took my hand.

“Ken’s sister’s kid. Been ill for a while, hence the hair just growing back”

“Ah. You doing OK now, darling?”

“Debbie, mister. Think so. Getting better. I can eat properly now!”

That was certainly true, but not in the way he thought. He grinned at my reply, and I liked the look of it.

“I hope you can indeed eat properly! Carol’s done us one hell of a dinner, and I have been working as well. Made a crumble for pud: apple and blackberry”

Lorraine raised her eyebrows to me.

“Why on Earth did we decide to have porridge this morning, love? Never mind; if you can’t finish it, I will selflessly offer to help you out!”

The meal was a delight, as were Carol and Tim, and we finished the afternoon off singing Beatles and Kinks songs to Tim’s guitar playing. My identity seemed to be taken as fact, and it was eight o’clock before we returned to our own house, evening meal limited to sandwiches Carol had prepared from the remains of the roast.

Lorraine went to the pantry, collecting a tin of dog food, which surprised me, as there was no sign of an animal in the house. She caught my confusion, grinning.

“Two pet bowls under the sink, love. Fill one with cold water for me, then get our coats”

She filled the other with the dog food, then opened the back door after we both pulled on our warmer clothing. She turned off the kitchen lights, leaving the room illuminated only from the hallway, and set the two bowls down on the back step.

“Take a seat, love, sit quietly and wait. They won’t be long”

They didn’t. Snuffling, and pushing each other, the hedgehogs cleared away the dog food in a very short while before disappearing again into the darkness.

“That was magic, Loz!”

“It was that, love. Time to clear up, and then it’s kip time. Oh, and watch what you say with Carol. She told me she knows Ken hasn’t got a sister”