Escape to Yourself - After

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A road into a small town that leads…

Lonely roads and lost towns. Quiet places where you can think.
Not that that necessarily gets you anywhere.
Space is what it is, as are people.

This is a work of adult fiction.
No resemblance to reality should be inferred or expected.
Copyright : KLS 2007

Escape to Yourself - After

By Kristina.L.S.

The heat hadn't gotten any less not that he had any real problem with heat. It was just there and as long as you weren't stupid was not a problem. He guessed he'd been walking about long enough to see some sign of the town shortly. If it was really a few k as she said. Distance was sometimes a bit vague with people out here. A few k might be 50, but he guessed not in this case. 'She seemed to expect a short walk would get you there, so it wouldn't be long now', he thought.

Of course the question of, 'what then?' wafted in and settled in his head like a fat fly in a shop front window.

It was only a short while later when the tar ended at a sign, 'Little Creek' with an old single lane wooden bridge over the small winding gully that was presumably the creek. Non-existent was probably more accurate, the few stunted and droopy acacias and dwindling brush following that wavy line in each direction making it plain that water was not abundant. As he crossed his gaze wandered up both ways following the creek, not even a small puddle could be seen. But a strange whining up and down buzz seemed to drift closer.

He had just come off the wooden planking and onto graded dirt when a screaming whine from his immediate left caused him to stop and turn to see a green and black and silver thing fly up from the creek bed straight at him. Adrenaline surged as he threw himself flat as the thing soared maybe waist height above, landing a metre or two away and spinning in a swirl of dust, before stopping and then… silence.

As the dust slowly settled he rolled sideways and sat on the roadside looking at the slowly dissipating cloud. When it had cleared enough to see he realised he'd been 'attacked' by a giant hunchbacked praying mantis. The black goggle eyes stared blankly at him and then the figure straightened and he realised it was a fancy dirt bike, mudguards, tank and wrist guards all lime green, a smattering of silver alloy here and there. The rider in dirty black and green leathers and the insect head helmet.

It took another few seconds before the helmet was pulled off and the figure shaking out long dark brown hair stomped over to him and stopped almost standing on his toes.

"Shit you scared the crap outa me. I thought I was gonna die when I seen you standin' there on the edge a the road. Lucky I didn't run ya skinny arse over, eh." Then she burst in to laughter. "Damn girl, you shoulda seen your face. Ya gotta brown patch in the back a them jeans or what, eh?"

He sat looking this lunatic up and down as her eyes did the same to him. Her smile was infectious and he couldn't help but return it.

"Do you always run over visitors to your town?"

"Nah not regular like. Some people get a bit shitty if ya use their arse as a bike rack, eh. Not sure ya can call this little shit pile a town though. So what ya doin' walkin' along out here, puttin' me off ma ride? I can see the road and there's dust from this side… didn't expect some skinny arse girl to be walkin', that's fer sure. You gonna sit there all day, come on…" she held out a gloved hand to help the dusty girl to her feet.

He took the gloved hand and felt the strength as she almost pulled him to his feet with a soft grunt. The wide grin that could easy sell toothpaste was still there, set off a little by the light brown skin.

"So blondie what ya doin? Ya don't say much do ya?"

Rather than answer he looked around for his hat and steeped across to grab it up and again slap the dust off. His duffle was still slung bandolier style over his shoulder.

She was still standing in the same spot… waiting for some sort of answer he guessed.

"I was hoping to get a bit of work for a little while, top up the account before I head on. " He shrugged slightly and stood looking and waiting…

"Huh, might be ya lucky day blondie. Me Uncle Jimmy runs the pub in town. Could use someone on the bar at night. I help out, but still a skinny arse white chickie would go down well with the local blokes. They all know me and I don't take their shit. A bit a fresh meat will cheer 'em up no end." She laughed at her own joke and he had to smile.

She might be mad, not to mention a chatterbox, but she seemed ok. 'As long as she doesn't ask too many questions.'

"So come on blondie, jump on the back here and I'll give ya's a lift, show ya the sights an all, eh."

She remounted the bike and he gingerly climbed on behind and at a prompt hung on tight. She grabbed his hat off and stuck it under her thigh…and took off.

He did manage to get a look at the town as they passed through to the far end. A church hall, with a smaller church next to it. A dozen businesses or so, a bank with a for lease sign on the door. Garage with two pumps out front and that was it.

She dinnn, diinnnn, diinnnnnned behind the pub and shut off the bike. Both climbed off and he looked around casually.

"Just so's ya know blondie. Jimmy is me Uncle and the owner licensee. He's half Irish half blackfella. Me Dad got his head kicked in a few year back after a drunk and me mum took off. He was full blackfella she was a blondie like you. The old ladies in town call me coffee oh lay with a click a the tongue. I think they want me ta be embarrassed. Screw that… I like, me." Her grin was wide and easy and he could not help but smile back.

"Oh Jimmy don't drink by the way. Reckons grog an' him don't get on. Seems funny him runnin' the pub an' all. Oh yeah…I'm Genna."

She took him by one hand and led him to a large corrugated iron shed.

"Don't wanna offend ya or nuthin' blondie but you stink. So get ya arse in there and have a shower huh. You do have a change in ya little bag, right?" He nodded dumbly.

"Good, so get on, I'll be back in a bit. Gotta go tell Jimmy I've picked up a stray. He'll laugh. Oh…you are eighteen aren't ya?"

"Um…what's the date? "

"Shit, I don't bloody know. Mid September somewhere. "

"Well my birthday was late August, so I guess I'm eighteen."

"Good, ya's legal. Saves complications with the license. Get on then, I'll be back in a bit."

He sniffed his armpit and shrugged… well it had been a few days. Pushed the swing door open and dropping his hat and bag on a wooden bench, began to strip.

Hair loose he twisted the taps and soon had steam billowing. With a delighted shiver, walked under the steaming water and soaped up, didn't want to be long.

It was only a few minutes and he was rinsing off, when the door swung open, letting in a swirl of cool air.

"Figured ya might want a coupla towels blondie. Ya could tell me a name one a these days too I guess…" She stopped with a slightly puzzled expression as he stood stark naked, with nowhere to run.

Her eyes roamed up and down a few times before she threw him the towels.

"Shit girl, skinny thing aint ya. Or is that boy? Nah, me seven year old cousins got a bigger mushroom than that, eh. You're a girl, not much up top though. Come on then. Get dressed I need ta shower meself and Jimmy'll get in a snit if we's late fa dinner. "

Hope this does the trick. It told itself to me during the day and story knows best.

Any thoughts, comments or questions
I can be contacted [email protected]
Anything short of abuse welcome.

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Comments

Mushrooms?

So that's how they do it down-under? The size of yer' mushrooms? LOL And I thought Stella from AEAFOAB was dangerous! Apparently having mushrooms are no impairment for helping in the bar.You really have me wondering just how strange Little Creek is. Kristina another nice one!
Hugs!
grover

Grover, a mushroom could suit a girl

Think button mushroom.

Kristina didn't say if it was a cold shower so that description fits a girl or a boy.

The girl thinks he's very skinny and not much up top. And given the description of the *mushroom*, intersexed?

Dang-gnabit Kristina. You sure like yanking our chains. I'm more confused than before. At least he's(?) found a good soul to help him/her(?).

I'm so confused.

John in Wauwatosa

John in Wauwatosa

John, read The Tuck saga

Eugene Wallace is slowly becoming more girl than boy. In fact, in chapters 30-36, even when dressed as "Tuck," strangers think he is a girl.

    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine

Mushrooms? Darn it All

now im hungry! Sauteed Mushrooms and Melted Cheddar on a buffalo burger.... mmmm! At least he passed the ultimate test - if a girl could look at him naked and see a girl, what could go wrong?

Sephrena Lynn Miller

Mushrooms are how Hobbits know

After all, Tolkein was the Master Of Fantasy. Sorry Grover, but I am a Lord Of The Rings Fan

    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine

Brilliant

Do the trick? You're kidding, right?

It's bloody brilliant! Taken together, the three morsels you've tossed us could be the script for the opening reel or two of a pretty fine motion picture.

Now, where do I buy a ticket?

That's the ticket!

Yes!!!, Now you have to write the screen play Kristina! After all some of us are already waiting in line. *LOL*
hugs!
grover

Nice Start

The modern novel runs about 80 - 100,000 words.

You have completed your description of the real world and used about five thousand words to do it. With editing you could cut about a third of those leaving you with about 3,500 words.

This portion of a novel should take about 2% of the words so you're a bit over the top. This can be solved by working your prequel in as a flashback -- later in the story. Try to keep your intro to under 2,000 words so your novel will run about 100,000 words.

From here the hero should go on an adventure. Obviously he will take the job as a waitress and live that life, but what the adventure will be is wide open. Murder mystery seems right given the demanding setting.

Angela Rasch (Jill M I)

Angela Rasch (Jill M I)

Curiosity compels me to ask ...

... why edit it? As it stands, it doesn't feel particularly fluffy to me. It's sparse and yet evocative just the way it is. There are also some fine pieces of character definition in his/her interactions with others (or lack of same), and it would be a shame to lose them.

Maybe she should leave it be until the story progresses some? It could turn out to be just fine, and she wouldn't have to lose a word.

If Kristina wants to continue the story, that is. *smile*

*hugs*

Randalynn

"The universe is expanding. That should ease the traffic." -- Steven Wright

Randalynn

I think you and I are in agreement. The operative word in my comment is "could" -- I said she "could" edit it.

Like you, I would rather she kept all this fine chracterization and spread it out into the actual adventure a bit -- so that the reader doesn't lose interest before the action starts. That's why I suggested using the prequel as a flashback later on.

I'm assuming the story is a classic myth based on character development through adventure.

I follow the Jarvis Method of story structuring. Others might find that whole discipline confining and unappealing.

The only real editing I would suggest is changing a couple of duplicated phrases I'm sure KLS would have caught had she taken more time or let it sit for a few days to get perspective.

Angela Rasch (Jill M I)

Angela Rasch (Jill M I)

I could see the prequel ...

... as a flashback, although it might be in keeping with the development of the character for him/her to reveal what came before in the form of a personal revelation to someone he/she is just beginning to learn to trust. Gives us twice the character development in half the time. *smile*

Just a thought on both our parts. *grin* In the end, we'll just have to wait and see what Kristina shares with us along the way. But I think we both agree this has a lot of promise.

Much love,

Randa

"I'm in the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program. I have to go from door to door
and tell people I'm really somebody else." - Steven Wright

Oh No Please Kristina.

Don't edit anything, or allow any one else to edit it, Kristina. Cutting a third out of it would quite destroy it. Quite take away the authenticity, the ambiance, the soul.

Please, please, please, don't write a modern novel. Research had shown that 78.93 % of them are crap and of the remaining 21.07%, 62.24% are bought under the mistaken impression that they contain recipes for vegetarian omelettes (19.87%), or hints on colour co-ordination in the modern bedroom (13.56%), or the cultivation of asparagus (asparagi?) in Time of Global Warming (59.87%.) Of the remainder 8.56% are used as cat litter and 3.92% are used to prop up the legs of grand pianos.

If you decide to continue with this theme, and why not because it is a good one, use 400,000 or 500,000 words or let it continue indefinitely. Better still under no circumstances count at all. You need convince no one of your mathematical ability. Just write and see how it pans out. It will never become a best seller of course. Indeed comparatively few people may read it. but on the other hand you will have done something worth while.

I will certainly read it. I think it is brilliant. I missed commenting on the 'Before'. But both that and this live up to the impressive quality of the initial 'Betwixt'.

It is really very very good. Evocative and atmospheric.

many Hugs,

Fleurie

Fleurie

1.6180339887

You're absolutely right, Fleurie. How silly of me to think people have precise mathematically expectations in their esthetics.

Such a theory, if proven to be true would be GOLDEN. Imagine if people expected a certain RATIO to exist in what they assume to be in accordance with good taste -- or what they found beautiful.

Of course the concept of a GOLDEN RATIO is simply preposterous. If there was such a thing they would have found it years ago.

Why do I waste my time when everyone knows inherently how to write?

By the way -- try reading for meaning rather than setting the groundwork for an attack. What I suggested was she move her introductory exposition -- if that is what she wants to make it. I've expressed very positive opinions about her work and wouldn't want her to cut a third. . .merely structure its presentation differently.

Your comment lacks good taste, is insulting -- and so absolutely naive.

Angela Rasch (Jill M I)

Angela Rasch (Jill M I)

We Are Curious Beings

Our bodies are finely tuned to love precision.

Do you ever wake up seconds before your alarm goes off?

Why should I idly allow people to mock my concern for the pacing and structure experts state stories need so as not to put off the reader?

There are always exceptions, but what do those derogatory people think it means when people say the ending was "rushed" or the story "dragged"? Those common comments obviously are saying the story didn't conform to the structure they personally require.

Does everyone crave the same exact structure? Most definitely not, but as the Golden Ratio points out, enough of us are homogeneous in our demands, as to be able to quantify what seems ethereal.

Angela Rasch (Jill M I)

Angela Rasch (Jill M I)

ethereal for breakfatht

laika's picture

This reminds me of a cute little digression from some novel by Vonnegut, about a very advanced (for then) pocket calculator that as a bonus contained formulas for creating perfectly sublime Japanese ikabani (sp?) floral arrangements. Everyone was bummed out that something that seemed so zen and ethereal and was thought to take years of practice could be reduced to cold algorithms, it seemed to take all the magic out of it, but there it was. I don't think Uncle Kurt was making a concrete statement, but was just posing a disconcerting "what if", God bless him. The brain does seem structured so that it has certain preferences that cut across cultural lines, and are not "learned", and might
well reflect something woven into the very fabric of the universe...
But having read these three parts I really liked the way they flowed, and didn't see anything inharmonious about how they were presented (and I'm not putting words in anyone's mouth here), maybe because the subject matter, the rather alien & unherdlike viewpoint of this traveller called for something a little off-center from the mean. It's an interesting story, getting more so with the introduction of the character of the girl on the motorbike, and while I didn't care so much before (if Kristina thought it was done, it was done...) now I really want more! Maybe not some 20-chapter serial but at least a few more helpings, please!

Apologies Angela

Angela I did not intend to upset you. If my comments sounded cheap then I apologise. I get carried away by my own verbosity. There was no personal attack intended.

You are a fine writer and I am aware that the advice you give comes from a generous heart that is concerned with helping others. You care. You are positive whereas I have perhaps been negative.

My original comment was intended as a protest on behalf of, what seemed to me, a minority viewpoint. All I was trying to do was to encourage people to post what they have written without worrying too much about the finer literary niceties. It saddens me to read in the comments that people are desperately seeking an editor before they dare tell us the story they have written. I wanted to suggest that rules were perhaps not all that important.

I think that there at least we would find some common ground

You and I, I think, disagree quite fundamentally on some things. But if in presenting my point of view I was clumsy enough to give the impression that I was belittling you, or your evident concern for both writing and writers, then I can only, once again, apologise.

Contritely,

Fleurie

Fleurie

Fleurie

Apology accepted and olive branch extended.

One of the books in the Harry Potter series ran about 350,000 words. Much of the force behind the rules regarding length (number of words) springs from the cost of paper and finite shelf space in bookstores. Obviously those concerns mean little on the internet.

I share your desire not to inhibit new writers and possibly should have been more circumspect. I did allow that not everyone embraces the Jarvis Method. My stories aren't written to precisely follow the Jarvis Method or any other, but I do believe in the underlying principles.

Frankly -- my comments were meant to coax Kristina toward taking on the task of a complete novel. She has the ability to enthrall us through hundreds of thousands of words.

I've worked with several new writers who took a few nudges in the right direction in order to soar -- I'm especially proud of Jill McCalya, Heather Rose, and Dimelza Cassidy. My goals aren't to stifle, but to allow writers to work through the maze without getting frustrated by the learning curve.

When I first started writing I received encouragement from several people. One of them was Erin, who told me I had things to say and seemed to be finding ways to say them that interested the readers. I'm just trying to pay forward a big debt.

Your attempt to state your position was seemingly no more clumsy than mine.

Angela Rasch (Jill M I)

Angela Rasch (Jill M I)

Actually, Kristina

...stay with how you have navigated this story so far. Its beautiful, very rough, very real and its perfect just how you have made it. Trying to alter anything now will only destroy the flavor you worked so hard to create as well as leave a different feel to it. Please stay the same course.

Sephrena Lynn Miller

More (?)

I think you may be committed now, Kristina. [oh, stop that - not that kind of committed] Mad Max(ine)'s adventures have begun. But I do think this is a whole within its self, and the trilogy is a whole too. We just have to find the adventure, the experience, the growth, for ourselves. It is certainly there.

To serial or not to serial? Either way, very good!

L.; Jan

Don't change a single word.

Speaking personally I never lose interest in anything written by Kristina 'before the action starts'. The main reason for that is her writing style starts the action with the first word and then wraps up the reader's mind until the last word leaves them begging for more.
Yes indeed, begging for more and thinking about the nuances of the words and the twists and turns of the characterizations. What more can a reader ask from an author?
So ignore the lectures Kristina, just continue to do your thing your way - please!

I Won't Allow You

to recast my words any more than I would allow Fleurie.

If you review all the comments on the three sections you will find I greatly supported what KLS has written.

What more can a reader want? you ask.

If KLS decides to write this as a novel she might want to understand human nature and write to that clock in the readers' minds that demands a certain structure. If she doesn't, all the wonderful words in the world won't stop many of them from feeling the story is "dragging."

Of course, there are those authors who shirk spelling responsibilities and those who don't use punctuation, so ignoring structure might also be a course of action, but not in my world.

I think Kristina has written three charming pieces. She has the choice of expanding and an audience asking for it. I was only stating, if she writes a novel, her introduction might need restructuring to feel comfortable for the average reader.

Conventional wisdom is right, at least some of the time.

Angela Rasch (Jill M I)

Angela Rasch (Jill M I)

Read the comments ...

... and understand their content before railing at Angela for doing something she wasn't. She likes Kristina's work and wanted to offer her some of the information about writing she has learned after many years of study. She wasn't demanding anything, she wasn't insisting anything -- she wasn't slamming Kristina's existing work in any way. She just wanted to help by sharing what she knows.

Angela's helped a lot of folks here over the years, including me. When Angela speaks about writing, I listen. I may not always agree with her suggestions, but that doesn't make her wrong -- anymore than it makes me right.

Honestly, the entire thread is starting to feel like that oft-parodied scene in the movie version of Frankenstein where villagers with pitchforks and torches chase poor Boris Karloff into a windmill and burn it down. (Sorry, Angela -- i know you're NOT Boris, but I always had sympathy for the monster, and folks seem to be treating you like one when you're not.)

These comments are supposed to be about communication, people. Read Angela's words, consider the source and her intent, and remember: this is our community only because we are guests of Erin, and no one here ever wants to hurt anyone.

So please calm down?

We now return you to your regularly scheduled kvetching. *smile*

Randalynn

A FAT FLY!

joannebarbarella's picture

Some people like mushrooms. I prefer fat flies. They make me feel like a cane toad. God,Kristina, this chapter is nothing short of wonderful. Here I am struggling to produce a piece and you toss off three lovely vignettes in as many days. You make me feel so inadequate. Don't let all those intellectuals out there persuade you to change a thing. Your first chapter upset me a little, and now you have gone and evoked the true spirit of the bush and turned it all around. I wish a prick like John Howard would read this (fat chance).

Phew!!

kristina l s's picture

Afternoon people... well it is here. A NOVEL! Um, I don't think so, I actually intended for this to be it, but I may see what bubbles up and go a bit further down the road. But don't hold your breath anyone.

I freely admit to being unlearned and a bit rambling at times. Angela has a different approach and tries to nudge others toward the light. I don't object to that and I don't reject it out of hand. There is plenty I could learn, but the how and when is perhaps at issue. You can't be taught until you're willing to learn. (I'll have to look up the style to see what it is)

Have I made errors here? No doubt. But realistically I don't think much will change beyond a few very minor tweaks. Could it be better, taughter, punchier? Quite possibly. But it is what it is and how it came to me.

I suppose because of history (mine) and general stubbornness I tend to lean to the let it flow school rather than the structured school. Rules can restrict and intimidate. But, they can and do provide a structure to work with which is no bad thing. Maybe I'll circle round that illuminating literary campfire and gradually walk into the clearing and sit, maybe not.

It is not quite the heathen savage being coaxed into the light by a long suffering missionary, but it sometimes seems that way. I admit to being somewhat reactionary when people TELL me what to do. Especially when I don't have to listen. Angela does sometimes come over a bit preachy… BUT, I understand what she is trying to do and why. She wants to help and improve where she sees the potential to do so. So I don't mistake it for a, this is what you must do BECAUSE, even if it might sound like that sometimes. We approach things differently but I know that when I read something and it doesn't work for me I will ask…Why? That is perhaps where some knowledge of rules comes into play. Seek them out when you are ready… or something like that.

I really do enjoy these sometimes rambling comment strings. Better than the story perhaps. A couple of them made me laugh out loud. A couple had me scratching my head. Randalynn, Angela, Fleurie, Anne, Laika, Jan… all look to the 'artistic' or lack of in this. No perspective is wrong and you all may know or see more than I. The whole point of these comments and I guess the story is to make people think. No one single style or approach is right every time. Some are inherently 'better' than others maybe, but it's always personal.

Grover, John (you might be right), Pippa, Sephrena, Stan (hobbits???), Joanne… thank you for your thoughts. I look for every view and opinion and welcome polite dissent. I am not always right… even if I won't admit it. And I've never even considered the golden mean applied to writing; photography or painting yes, but writing? Well hey…why not

It is in my case more an emotional than an intellectual exercise. I have to feel it. But if it doesn't connect with anyone then I've done something wrong. That is where more knowledge may come in handy. Time to ask a question…?

As ever… I read and then sit back and write the response, so it may not say exactly or fully what I mean. Comments are part of the whole process and discussion such as this is worth it on it's own. Differences in style and viewpoint are to me greatly desirable. I learn something new everyday and this is no exception. No one is attacking anyone from my viewpoint. So please don't take it that way. Learn and grow… until it's over.. and then… who knows.

Thank you to all and please keep the thoughts and opinions coming on this or on anything else…Just be polite and friendly and we's good.
Love
Kristina

So perhaps he at last is on

So perhaps he at last is on the road to redemption.
It still sound as one of the best stories I've read here.

Why did you stop it?

There is such a promise hidden in your narrative.
Keep on writing.

Cheers
Yoron.

Nice stories

I just finished reading all three of the Escape To Yourself stories, and they are damn good, sometimes short is perfect.

Like some others I don't think any more is really needed, but if more was to be written, I would be quite happy to read it.

Taaa muchly

kristina l s's picture

Rather a surprise to see a comment after all this time, lovely though. Thanks for reading ... and especially commenting.

Kristina