Facing Puberty and Seeking Help

McKenzie continues to be closeted at home while puberty approaches and Mom remains concerned about anything that will interfere with the custody hearing. Depressed over the discussion of puberty in health class McKenzie turns to StacyLyn for help. She has a suggestion, but acting on it means sharing family secrets.

Part 5: Facing Puberty and Sharing StacyLyn's Secret

There have been a lot of changes in my life since that wonderful fall day when I first hiked the Fairyland Trail wearing clothes borrowed from my cousin Kaylie. That trip with Mom, Aunt Karen, and Kaylie stirred up long-suppressed feelings of wanting to be a girl. For almost a year since then I have been dressing as a girl in private, but still presenting as a boy at school and in public around our home town, Santa Carla. Mom has continued to jump between enjoying the idea of having me as her pretend daughter and fearing the consequences if my father found out before the custody issue was settled. Aunt Karen has been supportive, and Kaylie too, but she also likes to tease. Phone and internet have kept me in touch with StacyLyn, who I met at Bryce Canyon. She has continued to give me advice and has urged me to become more decisive about my future.

For a while things continued pretty much as they had been for the past year. I was allowed to dress as a girl as long as it was in private, that is, at home or at Aunt Karen's. But I was endlessly cautioned to be careful in public. StacyLyn had directed me to some interesting biographies on the internet and I had read about the anguish of boys who kept their feminine side closeted for years. I could relate to the problems, but for the time being I was closeted. Keeping my feminine side hidden had been emphasized repeatedly by Mom. What helped me cope was my marvelous support network of Mom, Aunt Karen, Kaylie, and StacyLyn, who all knew my situation.

My dressing in girls’ clothes was really low key most of the time. Nowadays teen girls wear pants more often than they wear dresses, and the same was true for me. When Kaylie and I were together I was usually wearing jeans and a shirt. Of course my preference was for girl-styled jeans with a bit of fancy trim and a shirt that buttoned right over left. When this all started with the 'all-girls' trip to Bryce Canyon, and for a few months after I got back home, I was dependent on borrowing clothes from Kaylie. More recently Mom had been buying me more and more girl clothes of my own. Now my underwear drawer contained both jockey shorts with a fly for school and doctor visits and pretty panties for all other hours of the week.

Mom repeatedly explained why I needed to stay closeted. Santa Carla is a smallish, conservative town in a conservative state, and Father had a lot of friends and acquaintances around town who might be feeding him information. Mom was really afraid that Judge Coleman, the local judge who handed family matters, was likely to be react unfavorably if Father made the claim that she was an abusive parent who was trying to force me into being a girl. Obviously no force was involved, I had needed a little persuasion at first, but now this was something I wanted to do more than anything else in my life. I was rediscovering feelings going back to kindergarten that had been suppressed in response to Father's demands regarding how I should, in his arrogant opinion, act.

One afternoon when I was at Kaylie's house Mom called me sounding panicked. The court-appointed custody evaluator had stopped by to make a short-notice home visit. Mom needed me to come home and in a hushed voice told me to be sure I was 'presentable.' Earlier Mom had explained that the custody evaluator is a social worker who prepares a written report for the judge that makes recommendations based on the 'best interests of the child' so this interview was important. When Father first told Mom he wanted a divorce she had asked about me and his reply was that "you can keep that sissy faggot, he never will be a soldier anyway." Ever since then I had been anxious to get him totally out of my life.

When Mom called I was wearing my typical after-school girlish outfit. I hastily explained to Kaylie why I had to head home, and that before I left I needed to do a quick change. Unfortunately all my actual boy clothes were at home since I had changed before Aunt Karen picked me up that afternoon. With Kaylie's help she found a pair of her jeans that were reasonably unisex, a bit tight cut, but no embroidery or other ornamentation. She also found a generic sweatshirt with a college logo printed on it. I grabbed these things and headed into the bathroom to take off my frilly ruffled shirt, padded bra, and Capri pants. Usually I was totally casual about changing in front of Kaylie, but the upcoming social worker visit had put my mind into boy mode. As I was finishing I realized I had worn knee length boots with a distinct heel. I asked Kaylie if she had any plain running shoes that I could borrow, and she found a pair of grubby sneakers that were so faded that the original colors were gone. I checked myself in the mirror and realized I still had a couple of barrettes in my hair. I quickly pulled them out and wet my hair down at the sink so I could comb it back into my shaggy style I wore at school. Finally 'presentable' I headed to the kitchen and told Aunt Karen I was ready for a ride home.

Mom had arranged our home to cover up my dress-up activities. We lived in a three-bedroom suburban house with the two secondary bedrooms, mine and the guest bedroom, each having a doorway into a shared bath between. The rule was only boy clothes and boy things were to be stored in 'my' bedroom while my girl clothes, makeup, fashion magazines, and accessories were in the 'guest room.' In practice this meant I spent most of my time in the guest room and left the other bedroom in a boyish mess. Mom figured that if someone ever noticed the girl's stuff she could say her niece kept some of her things in the guest room to use when she stayed over while her mom was out of town.

Since I was in boy mode I could have walked home, but Aunt Karen suggested a ride both to save the social worker some time and also to have a few minutes to talk to me. As she drove she reminded me of the answers we had rehearsed. I needed to express my strong preference to be raised by Mom and explain that I had never had a close relationship with Father due to is frequent and prolonged absences. Aunt Karen gave me a look-over as I got out of the car as a final check. Fortunately Kaylie and I rarely put on makeup unless it was a special occasion, so I didn't have to worry about unremoved lipstick or eyeliner smudges. The custody evaluator, a very proper-looking middle age lady, was talking with Mom as I entered.

"My report will be easy to complete since Sergeant Clark is not contesting your custody claim at this time. Most of the items are check-box formalities. Thank you for the tour of your house. I have just noted on the form that your home is habitable with no safety or building code issues." She looked up. "Good I see McKenzie is here."

She proceeded to ask me a list of fairly routine questions as she went down the list, and things went smoothly. As she finished she looked at me and smiled.

"You know, the way you have been sitting is consistent with the teacher report I got from your school."

"Do you mind my asking what that report said?"

She flipped down a few pages on her clipboard and started reading. "McKenzie is an excellent student with no behavior problems. He associates mostly with girls and often expresses slightly feminine mannerisms. As a result, he is occasionally bullied about being a 'sissy' but he deals with these taunts in a mature manner." She stopped reading. "I couldn't help but notice that you have been sitting with you knees together and your hands folded in your lap. Given my training in personality evaluation I am very sensitive to body language. Your behavior certainly doesn't bother me personality as I have a flexible attitude toward gender roles. So far, your father has not brought up the need for a 'male influence' in your upbringing, and I certainly do not intend to raise that issue in my report. Well, have a good day."

With that she gathered her papers, got up, and left. I had been concentrating so much on my clothes and my oral answers that I had not noticed my posture. Recently I had read a book by the great modern dance choreographer Martha Graham. She had written, 'movement never lies' and I guess she was right.

The social worker's comments confirmed Mom's concern that my feminine interests could become an issue in the custody decision. I decided I better be really careful around town. I certainly did not want my father sticking his nose into my life now. Things were confusing enough already.

Mom was right to be concerned about community reaction in Santa Carla, and she was not imagining threats. One day Mrs. Russica, who is well know as a 'traditional values' activist around town, abruptly confronted Mom at the supermarket.

"Mrs. Clark, you really need to think about how you are raising McKenzie. That child is going to grow up gay or worse if you don't make him act like a man. I never see him playing with boys. And the way you let him dress..."

"Mind your own business." With that Mom turned away and finished her shopping. The confrontation upset her and she talked on the phone with Aunt Karen for a long while that evening.

*************
For months now I suspected that Aunt Karen had suggested I dress as a girl for the trip to Bryce Canyon because she had seen signs of my feminine behaviors. What she did was really awaken thoughts that I had been keeping suppressed. What began as role-play to cheer up Mom was becoming more and more a central part of my identity.

Part way through the school year the curriculum pushed me to confront my confusion about gender. It all started the day the teacher announced that the health classes for our grade included sessions on 'puberty and maturation,' and that the girls and boys would be meeting in separate classrooms for these lectures. My reaction was a mix of anxiety, curiosity, concern, and loneliness. The day of the first separate lecture I was walking down the hall with Kaylie lost in my thoughts.

"I bet you wish you could go into the girls' class with me, don't you?"

"Quiet Kaylie."

"OK," she whispered. "Besides, you need to learn about boy parts even if you wish..."

"Please, someone might hear!" We had reached the classroom for the girls and I waved reluctantly to Kaylie as she turned and I continued down the hall.

One of the boys in my class came up beside me and sneered. "So, what were you and Kaylie talking about? I couldn't quite hear."

I didn't reply to him and just dragged my self into the classroom assigned for the boys' session. The lecture that day was bad and the one the following week was worse. It wasn't the teaching that was bad, it was the facts I was being taught about male development. In a few months my body was going to start changing in a direction that I was sure I did not want. Deepening voice and facial hair seemed disgusting to me, but I had never really confronted this before. I was afraid of what would happen once my hormones kicked in.

That afternoon Kaylie stopped by at my house after school. I was feeling confused and depressed and I plopped down in the kitchen while I was still in my boy-mode school clothes.

"Aren't you going to change?"

"Maybe later, I just don't feel girlish right now."

"How was health class today?"

"I don't want to talk about it, OK."

"Mine was a lot of fun. We talked about how girls become women, you know, breast development, having periods, dealing with cramps. Most of us girls are already pretty well into the process. I thought of you when one girl asked when she would start getting bigger breasts and everyone sort of laughed because she was so flat. Too bad you couldn't have been there - at least you could learn about what you are missing. And ..."

"Kaylie, I don't want to talk about that."

"... then we talked about how girls get pregnant, something you don't have to worry about, and got all sorts of warnings about ..."

I couldn't listen any longer. "I'm so confused. This past year I have really enjoyed all the time I have spent as a pretend girl. But..."

Finally Kaylie got the message. "You are really afraid of what will happen soon, right?."

I looked at Kaylie. "This is all going to end when puberty hits me!" I started to cry. Kaylie put her arms around me and we cried together. After a while Kaylie said she really needed to go home, got her things, and left.

***********

I went to my room, threw myself face down on the bed, and started thinking about the private conversation I had with StacyLyn toward the end of the evening picnic on our last full day at Bryce Canyon. She had asked to speak to me privately and we had gone off together away from the campfire. After making me promise to keep this conversation a secret she started talking about her 'Aunt Jessica.'

"Remember when I mentioned Aunt Jessica several times today? StacyLyn had said."

I had replied, "Yes."

Then she had dropped the bombshell. "Aunt Jessica is my biological father."

In the following minutes StacyLyn had described how her father always felt he should have been a woman and finally decided to get medical help to transition.

"Mom tries really hard to be understanding, and she wants me to have an ongoing relationship with my real father. But it's hard for her. She just couldn't accept a lesbian partnership with Jessica after being married and having three children with Jesse. Five years ago my father announced ..."

I couldn't remember all the details of what she told me that night. It was too overwhelming. But I do remember how she ended the conversation.

"You know, there is an old saying that every girl wants to marry a man like her father. Maybe that's why feminine boys interest me now. McKenzie, I want you to stay my friend."

********

I got up from the bed and sent a text message to StacyLyn. I felt she would be sympathetic, and that is what I needed. 'need to talk 2 U. health class - puberty. IM afraid.'

To my delight my phone rang only a few minutes later. StacyLyn was totally supportive. She is such an awesome person. What was encouraging is that she reminded me there were ways I could be 'helped' and that Aunt Jessica was knowledgeable about all this.

"You really need to talk to Aunt Jessica."

"But how? We live four hours drive away. Besides, your parents don't know my situation, and my Mom wants to keep it a secret."

"Believe me, my family knows how to keep things quiet. Look, have your mom call mine. I will just tell her to expect a call."

"Are you sure the idea of calling will work?"

"Of course. McKenzie, and believe me you shouldn't have to face this alone."

I agonized all the next day about having Mom make the call. This seemed to be asking for trouble, there was no telling where this would lead. Finally, while cleaning up after dinner I awkwardly said, "Uhh, Mom? Uhh ... StacyLyn called last night, and she ... er ... wants you to call her mother, like sometime soon."

Mom calmly looked at me. "Sure, Mrs. Waterman is a charming woman and I will enjoy chatting with her. I wonder what it's about?" With that she headed to the living room and left me to finish cleaning the kitchen. After a few minutes I realized Mom was on the phone. I sat down quietly near the door and listened the best I could.

"... but enough reminiscing about the wonderful trip when StacyLyn and McKenzie met. There must have been a reason why StacyLyn wanted me to call you."

"... I see ... that's amazing ... yes, I agree ...."

I really wished I knew what was being said on the other end of the call. I was sure it involved me. The next turn of the conversation left no doubt.

"How long have you known about McKenzie?" ... "You, mean StacyLyn told you right after we met on the Fairyland Trail?" ... “You asked first?” … "Well I suppose Jessica gave you experience in reading the signs.

"Yes, ... I agree ... I think StacyLyn has been very supportive of McKenzie. ... There are so many issues for us to sort out. ... Yes, it was best for you to wait for us to be ready before having this conversation."

"So you really think it would be helpful for McKenzie and me to meet Aunt Jessica? ... I certainly promise to listen to her." ... Yes, a spring break trip to Bryce Canyon sounds like an excellent plan. .... Yes ... OK, let's do it."

I came running up as Mom put down the phone. She put her arms around me but didn't say anything for a while. Finally she started, "McKenzie you know I love you whether you act like a boy or a girl. Aunt Karen keeps saying I need to be more supportive of your feminine interests, but I have been holding back. I am still so concerned about anything that could upset the custody decision. I want you exclusively with me, ... "

"Yes, Mom. I don't want Father interfering, and ..."

"... and I know that is what you want too. There is a real risk arranging for you to meet with a transwoman like Jessica, but Mrs. Waterman convinced me that it would help you. Are you willing?"

"I'll do it. StacyLyn has been suggesting that I meet her Aunt Jessica for months now."

Mom and I talked for a long while before calling it a night. The next day I told Kaylie about the phone call and the planned return trip to Bryce Canyon. She was excited, and I was finally able to share StacyLyn's secret with Kaylie.

"You remember when StacyLyn and I had that private conversation away from the campfire?"

When I finished retelling the story Kaylie responded, "I know that you will enjoy seeing StacyLyn again and I am SURE you and Aunt Jessica have plenty in common to talk about."

"I'm worried about what is going to happen to my body in the next few years. I'm not sure I want to go through what Jessica has."

"Come on cousin. You were meant to be a girl. Why do you keep torturing yourself by trying to stay a boy?"

**************

For the next few weeks I was really anticipating the trip. What amazed me is how often my concerns turned to girl-type questions like what clothes to bring, just one skirt or two, what necklace looked best with my blouse, should I bring my full makeup kit or just a few essentials. Obviously I was going to be 100% girl for the trip without any need for prodding. Finally Spring Break arrived and we were off.

The drive from home to Bryce Canyon National Park was familiar this time and the miles went quickly. Unlike the first trip I was fully confident that I could pass as just another girl in the crowd. I did have a concern. Being seen by anyone who knew Mom, Aunt Karen or Kaylie would blow my cover no matter how well I presented. I realized I had been lucky the last time, but this was Spring Break for my school. A lot of families took advantage of the break to take short vacations, so there was a reasonable chance of running into someone from Santa Carla. I put this worry aside. The bigger issue on my mind was what would happen when I met with Aunt Jessica.

The first line of spectacular red cliffs came into sight as we turned onto Highway 12, a scenic road leading to Bryce Canyon National Park and then continues east through spectacular canyons before climbing over a mountain and ending near Capitol Reef National Park. Maybe we could take a vacation further east on Highway 12 sometime.

"Ready for a rest stop, girls?"

Kaylie and I responded affirmatively in unison. We stopped at a gas and groceries place. As Mom took care of the fuel Kaylie and I strolled into the ladies room and did our business. We bought some not-too-fattening snacks and headed back to the car. As Mom pulled out onto the highway I noticed a familiar car pulling up to the fuel pumps behind us. I glanced back and saw two boys that Kaylie and I knew from school get out of the car. That was a close call. "Mom, the family in that car are people we know.'

"Well, I told you there was a risk to this trip. We will have to deal with it. McKenzie, did you bring the emergency boy clothes like I asked?"

"Uhh, no Mom. I needed room in my suitcase for ...."

"McKenzie, you know how many times I warned you about having a backup plan in case you need to get back into boy mode fast. Remember the day the custody evaluator showed up? Thank goodness Kaylie had some gender-neutral clothes to loan you."

"Yes, but ..."

"Well, dear. We will just have to hope we can avoid them."

"Mom, I think they are right behind us. What if they see me?"

"Well, your hair is the same length as always, run your fingers through it an push it more into your school day style. Through the car window they won't be able to see the details of what you are wearing."

I sat nervously as they followed us for miles as we climbed up Red Canyon and headed across the high plateau beyond. To my relief they pulled into the left lane, passed us, and continued east when we slowed down to turn south from Highway 12 onto the road into the park. I slouched down and held a magazine in front of my face while Kaylie smiled and waved to the boys. In a few more minutes we were rolling into the tourist complex just outside the park entrance. I looked at my cell phone to check the time. We had only an hour before we were scheduled to meet StacyLyn and Aunt Jessica.