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Simply Enchanting!
the Novelette by Andrea Lena DiMaggio |
as Billy Pellegrino teaches him how to feel sorry with someone.
Simply Enchanting!
Think of your fellow man
lend him a helping hand
put a little love in your heart.
You see it's getting late
oh please don't hesitate
put a little love in your heart.
Parsippany, New Jersey...the 70's
Jimmy walked down Littleton Road toward school. He was feeling quite bored, this being decades before PSP's and MP3's and all that. He was worried that his teacher would call for the homework before he had a chance to copy it from the paper he planned to get from Billy Pellegrino.
"Hey, Pellegrino," he shouted at the boy had just walked out of his house. Billy turned and his own look of boredom changed quickly to fear.
"Leemeealone!" He managed to yell before Jimmy grabbed his arm.
"Listen, you little fairy, gimme your homework...I gotta copy it before Mrs. McCartney collects in at third bell. You were supposed to give it to me first thing yesterday."
"I...I was sick. Here..." Billy started to cry as he pulled the math out of his notebook.
"Lissen, you little queer...If you ever pull this stuff again, I'll tell everybody that you're a fairy."
Billy was so scared that he didn’t realize that Jimmy's threat was 'idle' as some might say, since everybody at Brooklawn Junior High already thought Billy was queer. Billy wasn't queer; at least not in the traditional sense. In 1969, even in an 'enlightened' area of the United States, most people had no idea what transgenderism was. And of course, neither did Billy. He only knew he wanted to be a girl.
"I gotta get a good grade or my dad won't let me play basketball when the season starts," Jimmy said idly. He was surprised at his self-revelation, considering that Billy didn't even rate the time of day if he wasn't so good at math.
"I....I'm soooo sooory Jimmy...I promise I'll get it to you. Please don't hit me."
That Jimmy was a bully there was no mistake. He had gained a reputation in sixth grade that followed him into Brooklawn, and he needed to maintain that. He pulled back his fist and feigned a punch, sending Billy into a bush on the lawn just in front of the school entrance. Billy lifted his head and watched Jimmy climb up the hill laughing to himself. Then Billy put his head down on his arms and began to cry.
Eighth Grade Third Period Social Studies Class, Brooklawn Junior High School
"Class? Class?" Carla Brusschi, a new teacher fresh from college, struggled to keep the class under control. Finally, in frustration, she took the pointer in her hand and slammed it on her desk. The pointer shattered, with pieces flying everywhere, causing the girls in the front row to duck. The display of temper, while uncharacteristic, proved to be effective as all the children stopped talking.
Her already reddish face grew even redder, adding to her frequent embarrassment; she was all of twenty-three years old and still struggled in vain in her fight against acne. She was quite pretty, save for the several blemishes on her face, but her insecurity had only grown as the school board deigned it a wise decision to place her in ninth grade social studies instead of the fourth grade elementary post to which she had applied.
"Jeez, Miss Brusschi, take it easy, huh?" Lenny Tamson laughed from his seat in the middle row by the window. Lenny was the class clown, but his jokes favored droll and sarcastic instead of broad and hysterical. His witticisms were usually reserved for the boys in the back row; the 'jocks' of the class that rarely reacted angrily toward his jokes, since they almost always didn't understand that they were his targets.
The class started to laugh until Carla duplicated her angry outburst and took the pointer...the remaining intact piece...and slammed it down once again under her palm on the desk. The reaction was more silence, with no interruptions save for the door opening as Billy walked sheepishly into class. It was apparent to everyone that he had been crying.
"Billy...see me after class, okay?" Carla said quietly as he passed her desk and took his seat. He was the only boy in the front row, which added to his already miserable existence; wanting to hear and learn was almost as embarrassing as being considered a fairy. The only thing he had going for him was his bright and avid desire to learn and grow, and when that was a target of the teasing, it only served to destroy what little self-esteem he actually had.
"Hey...whatcha been cryin' about, Billy? You fall and dirty your dress?" Terry Davis laughed and soon the whole class began to join in. One last slam of the pointer on the desk caused the class to be quiet once again.
"If only," Billy thought to himself. To be able to sit with his friends; his only friends at school and out without being accosted? To be able to wear what he wanted? To be who he felt he was? She?
If only.
"Class? Be Quiet...Now!" By now, Carla's face was nearly a dark crimson. Her anger did help to advance her authority in class, and thankfully masked her sadness as she looked into the face of the sad boy...her own nephew...and felt his pain as her heart broke once again.
Another day goes by
and still the children cry
put a little love in your heart.
If you want the world to know
we won't let hatred grow
put a little love in your heart.
The Elia home, Halsey Road, that evening...
"So how was school?" Jimmy's mother asked as she passed him the potatoes. He went to speak but he was cut off by his father's brusque and rude interruption.
"Never mind that. Did you get your grade on the math test back?" He shook his head. Johnny Elia was an exacting professional both at his job and at home. He expected performance and accepted nothing less than perfection.
"I got an eighty-eight," Jimmy smiled broadly and his mother beamed until Johnny snapped.
"What did I tell you?" Johnny pointed to the bathroom door off the dining room. At nearly fourteen you might have expected that beatings were de classe, but Johnny Elia wasn't into convention, preferring his own unique brand of discipline. Jimmy swallowed hard. He had decided long ago that he would never show his father any display of emotion. He got up slowly and walked into the bathroom, followed minutes later by Johnny, who shrugged off his wife's hand before closing the door.
"Help him..." Amelia Elia said with her eyes uplifted as a grunt came from behind the closed door followed quickly by a loud 'thwap.' The sounds were repeated over and over as Amelia winced. In 1969, virtually no one asked for help from state agencies. The help was there, but something had to be blatantly evident for any intervention to occur. Amelia thought about leaving Johnny, but she had no education beyond high school, and had virtually no family besides her sister Adrianne, who lived out of state with her boyfriend.
"I want to see some improvement on the next test or there will be more of the same." Johnny said quietly as he sat back down to dinner. Jimmy sat down across from his father and nodded before digging into his potatoes once again. Amelia waited until Johnny turned his head before placing her hand quickly on Jimmy's and frowning in agreement. Jimmy just nodded and sighed quietly.
Take a good look around and
if you're lookin' down
put a little love in your heart
I hope when you decide
kindness will be your guide
put a little love in your heart.
Monday morning on the way to school...
"Hey...Pellegrino...got that homework for me?" Jimmy yelled as Billy tried to look invisible as he walked down the street. He added a slap of his fist in his palm to punctuate his question. Billy walked back quickly and handed the folded paper to Jimmy and stood quietly. If he had a tail, he would have been mistaken for a whipped puppy.
"Good job..." Jimmy laughed. He wasn't trying to be complementary, but his efforts at sarcasm fell short as well.
"I might let you keep helping me." Jimmy looked over the paper and laughed again.
"Anybody ever tell you you write like a girl?" It was true that Billy's penmanship was very good, but 'if only' came to mind once again. He smiled, which didn't help his situation at all.
"Why are you smiling. Are you stupid or something?" Jimmy laughed outwardly, but a shudder went through him when he realized he just asked Billy the same question his own father asked him every night at dinner. Jimmy was almost primed for a life-lesson, but his own selfish thinking had convinced him that it was perfectly acceptable to pass on what he had received. Billy offered no excuse.
And the world will be a better place
and the world will be a better place
for you and me
you just wait and see
Social Studies...later that morning...
"Okay, class. Today we'll begin by writing a two paragraph essay on empathy." Carla had thought long and hard about what to assign. And she had no idea that her nephew had gender issues; who would have known that his problems went far beyond the confusion and sadness of being the target of teasing.
"Ain't that like when you feel sorry for someone?" Natalie Speer said from the third row. Natalie was in the 'second echelon' of girls in the class, not being 'pretty' and all, as well as recently relocated from Hoboken. Her words sounded more like "feel sawry fuh someone?"
"Not quite, Natalie. But close." Carla smiled. Natalie was one of the few girls in class who felt safe enough or cared enough to participate without prompting. Most of the other girls were either in the same boat with her, having very little to look forward to outside of school because of their social status, or didn't care at all. Not because they were foolish or stupid as they might have been portrayed in a TV show or movie, but because they had been influenced highly at home and in school in other classes with the idea that girls don't need an education. The one exception to that among the 'pretty girls' was Cindy Cohen, who was very pretty, very smart and very popular. But she was also very kind. She turned around and smiled at Natalie before raising her hand.
"Cindy?" Carla said with enthusiasm. If anyone could drag the rest of the girls into the twentieth century, albeit kicking and mewling, it would be Cindy.
"It's when you feel with someone by imagining how it would feel to be just like them...with their problems?" She needn't have had to say it as a question; she was usually right.
"That's correct." Carla smiled once again.
"So I have to feel what it's like to play football?" Sue Covaleski asked. Carla smiled.
"Something like that, but a bit more." Carla didn't want to correct her. A hand raised slowly in the front row. Billy smiled at his aunt, thankful that no one knew she was his aunt, but also that things could not get any worse than they already were; whatever anyone said at this point couldn't hurt him more than he'd already felt.
"Yes, Billy?"
"It's like....If I were Tommy Colhagen, how would I feel if my team lost or what would it be like if I couldn't play because I was hurt? Like if Nancy Waddon didn't get to be in the play because she had mono and saw someone else in the lead?" Billy would have made a great teacher if he wasn't so insecure. And of course, in 1969, the only peer-to-peer education was usually about sex, usually crude, and usually incorrect. Carla wanted to praise Billy, but rightly feared he'd only draw more negative attention.
"Anyone else?"
"It's like walkin' in someone else's shoes." The student who spoke sounded confident, which was not a surprise; his participation was a complete surprise since it was Jimmy Elia.
That afternoon, walking back home...
"Hey, Pellegrino...wait up." Billy turned to the familiar sound of Jimmy's insistent yelling. He stopped in his tracks, expecting the inevitable threat. As he stood waiting for Jimmy to approach him, at the same time in the parking lot of Brooklawn Junior High, Carla Brusschi sat behind the steering wheel of her car. She bit her lip and spoke softly.
"I don't know what to do...but you do." She looked up, but instead of seeing the framework of the convertible top of her Buick Skylark, she almost saw the clouds above the school draw together as a protective canopy. She trusted that her prayers were answered as a shudder went through her body; electricity that permeated more than just the storm clouds overhead, but energy that went far beyond the natural order of things.
"Hey...I promise I'll get you the homework, Jimmy please...it's starting to rain, and I gotta get home to walk the dog before he goes on the floor. If I dont...." Billy had his own demons to face, and although at home they were actually fewer, they remained far too similar to what typically occurred in the Elia household. He trembled at the sound of a very loud thunderclap, which followed a flash of lightning.
"Come on...Jimmy....it's getting too close,’ Billy said as he realized the lightning and thunder occurred simultaneously, indicating that the storm was directly overhead.
"Whattya, Billy? A girl?" It was altogether remarkable that Jimmy had actually used Billy's first name instead of the epithet, "Hey Pellegrino." Neither boy had the chance to ponder the novelty of the moment as the thunder grew louder, almost as if it were far off and near at the same time.
"Hey, Pellegrino...answer me...are you girl?" He lapsed into formal bullying behavior and teased the boy once more until the thunder clapped again, louder than any noise either boy had ever heard. And they didn't see so much as feel it as the lightning flashed one last time, knocking both boys to the ground.
A long while later...
"Oooohhhhhh." Jimmy moaned as he sat up. He felt dizzy almost immediately and fell back, hitting his head on something soft....someone soft. He sat up again, this time slower. Turning around he noticed he had fallen on a girl....a girl who seemed vaguely familiar. She sat up and rubbed her eyes.
"Oooohhhhh." The girl moaned as well and then began to cry.
"Hey...it's alright. The lightening must have missed us." Jimmy said, trying to reassure her, but feeling immediately odd.
"What...what the..." The voice was crude in a way, but didn't sound at all like his own voice...It sounded....high."
"Jimmy?" The girl shook her head and stared at him as if he had two heads.
"Huh?" The girl's voice, on the other hand, sounded very familiar, but the voice didn't match the face...much.
"Hey...Pellegrino...you look like a girl." Jimmy noticed that his voice still sounded odd. It didn't immediately strike him as odd that his words were more of an observation than a cruel taunt. The girl looked at him and began to laugh.
"What's so funny, Pellegrino...you think you're funny?" The bravado was lost as his voice nearly raised an octave at the end of the sentence. The girl smiled politely.
"What's so funny?" Jimmy asked once again; no demand...his face was a mask of confusion.
"Jimmy...you look like a girl too!" Billy tried not to laugh; it really wasn't a laugh so much as a nervous giggle. Jimmy jumped up and noticed two things immediately. He felt very cold, and out of sorts, as some might say. Billy struggled to stand up and Jimmy once again did something way out of character; he offered his hand to Billy and helped him up. Him?
"Jimmy...I have a feeling we're not in Parsippany anymore." Billy's attempt at humor was not only pointless but incorrect. That they were still in Parsippany, New Jersey was obvious, but even more obvious is that they weren't ....'Them.' Jimmy turned and noticed his mother's Chevy Bel-Air in the drive way. When the lightning struck, they were in front of Billy's house; now they were in front of his....three blocks away. He walked up to the car and looked at his reflection in the driver's side window. His eyes widened in horror as he saw his image.
"Oh gosh, Jimmy..." The voice came from behind as Billy walked up to the car. Jimmy noticed a girl's reflection next to his; her hand pointing at the images in the window. The girl had the same exact expression as his....as hers.
"Oh...no!" The words escaped his lips, but instead of an angry screed or plaint, the sound was that of a fourteen year old girl that was crying, for crying she was.
"Ohhhh.....yes." The other girl began to cry as well, but her voice sounded softer; almost sweet. As you might have expected it would. Billy Pellegrino had finally gotten her wish; she was a girl...a sweet and pretty girl...a smart girl. Jimmy Elia was crying because someone somewhere had gotten their wish. She was a girl...a smart girl...a sweet and precious girl...and an identical twin to the girl who stood next to her!
And the world will be a better place
and the world will be a better place
for you and me
you just wait and see
put a little love in your heart each and every day
put a little love in your heart there's no other way
put a little love in your heart, it's up to you
put a little love in your heart...
Get Together!
Love is but a song we sing
fears' the way we die
You can make the mountains ring
or make the angels cry
Though the dove is on the wing
and you may not know why
Meanwhile...in the parking lot of Brooklawn Junior High
Carla sat in her car; spent. She had been praying nearly an hour from the time she left the classroom until now, and her face was red and puffy from crying. She barely noticed that she had left the windows open a crack and the rain had soaked her left arm.
“It’s not fair,” She thought to herself. “Family should trump anything.”
She had her own home; a small two bedroom bungalow in Indian Lake that she had inherited from her parents after they had died in the same car crash that had killed Billy’s mom and dad...her aunt and uncle. She was a sophomore in college at the time, and had vowed to seek custody once she graduated. But in 1969 it was near impossible for a single woman to gain custody of a minor child...even a boy on the verge of his fifteenth birthday. So Billy stayed in the foster care system. His first family was kind enough, but chose to return him to the system when their efforts to adopt him were thwarted. It was a catch twenty-two, as they say. As long as a living relative was available, no foster family could adopt him. And because she was a single woman barely out of college, her efforts to adopt him were thwarted as well. So he languished in foster care.
Almost like a little girl, she put her hands together and her head rested on the steering wheel as she prayed.
“Dear God...please bless Billy this day and keep him safe. Amen.”
Some may come and some may go
He will surely pass
When the one that left us here
returns for us at last
We are but a moment's sunlight
fading in the grass
Meanwhile, at the Elia home...
Jimmy stood and stared at his (his?) reflection in the car window. He had managed to stop crying, mostly due to the ministrations of his twin.
"It's okay, Jimmy...it's going to be okay." Billy had managed to contain her glee at the transformation, but she was still excited enough that it didn't occur to her to question her present state. Jimmy, however, was very aware of their state.
"Billy? What the hell just happened? You're a girl...I'm....a girl?" Uncharacteristic tears flowed once again. The stoic boy who sat in quiet defiance after the beatings his father gave him gave way to a confused and scared young lady.
"Jimmy...I don't know...but...." Billy paused.
"But what?"
"Maybe this was....supposed to happen?" She tried not to smile, but her new form was apparently accompanied by a new and confident peace.
"Supposed to...supposed to? This can't be happening....it just can't." His voice grew loud enough that the cat on the neighbor’s porch jumped down and ran behind the house. And it caught the attention of someone else.
"Jimmy? Billy? Is that you?" Amelia Elia stood on her front porch and called to her children...her two children.
"Oh god...what am I gonna do." Jimmy was practically hysterical until his mother called out once again.
"Jimmy...Billy...For Christ's sakes, get in the house before your father gets home. You know what he's like after work, and if he sees you two? Come on." Without a thought, Billy grabbed Jimmy's hand and ran toward the front porch.
"For God's sakes, Billy, what were you thinking? Come in this instant...both of you. You better get changed real quick before it gets too late." Amelia shook her head as she ushered the two into the house.
"Mom?" Jimmy tried to speak but his mother cut him off?
"Jimmy...come on...if your dad catches you, it will make last night seem like a picnic." Jimmy felt his mother nudge him quickly down the hall to his room. Her hand pushed against his back and the familiar ache of a day-old bruise reminded him that yesterday's beating was all too real. Some things apparently hadn’t changed. She opened the door and pushed him in.
"Better take a quick shower, too. Now quick!"
She closed the door before he had a chance to talk. Turning around, he was prepared for something entirely different than what he saw. In the brief chaos of the past few minutes he had things flash before him. Posters of The Archies or Tommy James. Pink and yellow curtains and ponies and dolphins. Why he thought that remained a mystery as his eyes widened in confusion.
"Holy shit!" He shook his head as his eyes scanned the room. His basketball and baseball trophies still adorned the wall. A plaque or two seemed out of place. His catcher's mitt still hung on the bed post. The posters of Bill Bradley and Willis Reed still adorned the wall. On his nightstand lay his prized possession; an autographed football from Joe Namath. His concentration was broken by his mother's shout.
"My god, Jimmy, are you crazy...I don't hear the water running." He turned toward the door and he could almost imagine the sound of his father's Caddy pulling into the drive way. In a panic, he ran into the bathroom, not even knowing why he was hiding from his father. In a few moments, he would get the shock...second-most shock of his life....
Meanwhile, in Billy's bedroom...
Billy had walked to her room and sat down on the bed. New and wondrous colors and smells filled her senses. She noticed a poster of a Shetland Sheepdog on her closet door. Posters of the Osmonds and the Jackson 5 were on the wall above her bed, and her prized possession lay on her dresser. She walked over and picked up the riding crop of her hero...rather heroine, Diane Crump, the first woman to jockey a thoroughbred at Hialeah. She looked up at the framed jacket and gloves...the used but treasured silks of her idol. Looking around the room she was almost intoxicated by the waves of senses until she heard her mother.
"You know your dad doesn’t like it when you go out looking like that. Make sure you change, okay, honey?"
"Okay, mom!" The sound of her voice was unfamiliar for two reasons. First, away from the chaos of the events of the past half-hour, she realized her voice had changed. It was no longer squeaky or...boyish. It sounded different but somehow didn't feel strange.
The second reason her voice was unfamiliar is because that apart from the times she cried herself to sleep at her foster home, she didn't remember ever saying the word "Mom." She stepped up to her dresser and opened the top drawer only to find...what she somehow oddly expected. The small top middle drawer was filled with cotton panties. Opening up the adjacent drawer, she pulled out a bra and a folded white satin half slip. Gathering the clothes she walked to her bathroom and placed them on the pink and black Formica counter before reaching in and turning on the shower.
"Why don't you wear your pink corduroy skirt, honey? I took down the hem so it isn't so short. You don't want to set your Dad off, okay?" Billy felt a bit disappointed, but nodded as if she were talking face to face with her...mother. She started to strip, pulling off the sweatshirt and tee shirt with one pull. Her long brown hair spilled over her face as the shirts came off. Pushing the hair back, she reached around and unhooked her bra and tossed it on the clothes hamper. She looked down at her small breasts and smiled. Her breasts?
She kicked off her tennies and peeled off the socks with her toes before pulling off the jeans and panties in one motion. She noticed her hair seemed a bit thicker down there, and she touched herself, feeling her mound...her mound? The newness of the moment was lost immediately in a flood of joy as she realized she wasn't dreaming. She was a girl...in every way shape and form. She stepped into the shower....
And back in Jimmy's bathroom...
Jimmy pulled off his sweatshirt and tee shirt in one motion. His long brown hair caught on the shirts and came off with them, falling onto the floor. On the floor? He reached up and felt short brown hair, albeit sweaty from the wig. Reaching behind his back he felt nothing there was no bra to unhook. His chest was boyish, with the beginnings of a soft down on his pecs. He kicked his tennies off and noticed he wasn't wearing socks. He pulled off his jeans and his panties in one quick motion. He noticed that the hair had gotten much darker, along with some new hair that climbed down his leg. His penis drooped almost sadly as he felt down below. His penis?
"I don't hear that shower, young man!" His mother called out.
"Young man?" He thought. He gazed in the mirror, and apart from the short hair, he still looked like Billy's twin. The same deep brown eyes set off by a soft pale lavender shadow and a bit of mascara and liner. His lip-gloss was almost iridescent. His lip gloss?"
"And make sure, for god's sake that you wash your face good. You remember that your Dad nearly caught you the last time!" A vague memory about a discovery fortuitously coinciding with Halloween flashed through his mind; new but old; strange but familiar.
He turned on the shower before turning back to the bathroom mirror. Taking a wash cloth from the towel rack, he ran it under the hot water and soaped it up with the bar of Ivory lying on the sink. As he removed the makeup an odd feeling overtook him. Not an hour ago he had been crying because he thought he was a girl. He began to cry as he realized with crystal clarity that he wasn't a girl after all. He just wanted to be one.....
Come on people now
smile on your brother
everybody get together
and try to love one another right now
Soon after…
I don't know why nobody told you
how to unfold you love
I don't know how someone controlled you
they bought and sold you
The Love There That's Sleeping!
The Caddy pulled in the driveway at about ten after five. Johnny Elia got out of the car and walked to the front door, where Amelia met him with a kiss.
"How was your day?" She asked as he pecked her on the cheek.
"Sold a Bonneville and a GTO. Pillagi has got nothing on me, you can be sure of that." Johnny said as he plopped down on the couch. Amelia quickly retrieved a cold can Rheingold from the fridge and placed in on a coaster in front of him.
"Kids, your dad is home," Amelia called before returned to the kitchen to finish dinner. Billie walked into the living room and spotted Johnny on the couch. Wonder and surprise and confusion mixed quickly with fear and unfamiliar recognition as Johnny patted the cushion next to him.
"Come here, kitten, and tell me about your day."
He pulled the tab on the beer and smiled, but his look became way too familiar and frightening as new memories mingled with old as she sat down. He kissed her on the cheek, and while her first inclination was to pull away, something inside her told her that wouldn't bode well later on. She smiled and began.
"I got a 100 on the social studies test and Mrs. Chernienko gave me an A minus on the book report." She winced, as something told her that she shouldn't have been as detailed as that. She 'remembered' why a moment later as Johnny spoke up.
"See...I knew you could do it if you applied yourself...you're gonna make some guy a great wife someday ... of course he'll have to fight me to get you, you know."
His laugh literally scared her. He kissed her again on the cheek and she could smell the lingering remains of the sweetness of the rum and cokes he had on the way home from work. The smell brought back new memories, and it took all she could to keep the bile from rising.
"I gotta go, dad...I'll be right back," she said quickly before running down the hall to her bedroom. She quickly closed the door before running into the bathroom, where she barely made it to the toilet in time to vomit.
I don't know how you were diverted
you were perverted too
I don't know how you were inverted
no one alerted you
At the same time…
Jimmy stood inside his bedroom with the door closed as he started to shake. He looked down at the paper in his hand and swallowed hard.
"Sooner's better than later," he thought to himself. It was a cruel motto he coined as a response to his daily routine. Taking a deep breath as if he were diving into deep dirty pool, he opened the door at the same time as he heard...
"Jimmy, get out here now!" Johnny shook his head as if he were already disappointed before taking a long draft of his beer.
"H...ey...dad," Jimmy said, waving weakly as he walked up to his father. He stood quietly at the end of the couch, waiting for his father to respond.
"Well?" Johnny glared at him and used his glance to indicate he noticed the paper in Jimmy's hand.
"I did better, dad." Jimmy said, handing the paper to his father. Johnny quickly glanced at the red letter at the top of the page before tossing it on the coffee table.
"What do you call that?" He said sternly.
"It's better, dad...I tried...I really tried....Miss Brusschi says that I did better than anyone except for Cindy Cohen and Billie."
"You let a girl do better...two girls did better than you. You just don't want to do what you're told, do you? I just don't know what it will take...are you stupid or what?" Nothing Jimmy said after that would have made a difference. He had tried hard, but things didn't seem to add up right when he put things down on paper. Words and letters got mixed up and that took away from his grades. Either way, he looked with pleading eyes in his father's face and saw no reprieve.
"Get in there, and wait. And don't sit down. I'll be in when I finish my beer." Johnny said before getting up to turn on the TV. Jimmy walked to the hall bathroom and opened the door, breathing out a sigh.
"Wow...a break...he's gonna get it over before dinner." He muttered to himself as he closed the bathroom door behind him.
Meanwhile, only a few blocks away at the Bensonhurst foster home...
The family sat down for dinner. They didn't notice the missing child amongst their five other foster children. Oh well, more for all of them to feast on, if you consider extra helpings of boxed macaroni and cheese and powdered fruit punch special. Oh well, one less kid to molest for Chuck Willingham, Mrs. Bensonhurst's brother.
And at the bungalow at Indian Lake…
Carla Brusschi sat down at her kitchen table and said a quick prayer before digging into her leftover baked ziti. Carla didn't notice that there was one less picture on her bookshelf. She looked at her marking book. Something odd settled in the back of her mind even as she failed to notice that there was one less boy and one more girl in her class. Nevertheless, she settled her eyes on the two names on the page; Billie and Jimmy Elia.
The twins were nearly identical in very fashion save for their sex. Their grades, their attendance, even their scores on the state reading exams were only points apart. But they always seemed distracted. Jimmy seemed sullen and unhappy nearly all the time. Despite their performance in class, they had few friends, and they usually sad at the end of a sparsely filled table or by themselves at lunch. Neither seemed to have much of an appetite most of the time, and Billie especially seemed skittish; almost scared of her own shadow. It really was incredible that both did as well as they did considering their behavior. Carla sighed and stared at the page, wondering what it would take to draw them out of themselves.
I look at the world and I notice it's turning
While my guitar gently weeps
With every mistake we must surely be learning
Still my guitar gently weeps
That night at the Elia home…
Jimmy lay awake in his bed; the relief of his pain was thwarted by a rising sense of uneasy fear, and not for himself. He thought of his sister…his twin. Something seemed very special and new about their relationship even as it ate at him in a peculiar way. He looked at the ceiling, noticing a model airplane he vaguely remembered getting for his twelvth birthday from Billie…B-17…He gave her a silk scarf his mother picked out.
And the beating wasn’t nearly as bad as usual that year; sort of a macabre gift of mercy from his dad. He remembered Billie screaming outside the bathroom door. And something else. She cried late into the night and he felt helpless with her door locked. He wanted to help her.
Something kept eating at him even as he lay in bed. He picked up the alarm clock on his nightstand. Two-thirty-seven. He heard her sobbing. Slowly, he swung his legs onto the floor and found his slippers. Walking to the door, he opened it and looked down the hall. The TV was on and he could hear the hiss of the static; nothing on that late. He tiptoed down the hall and saw that his father was laying asleep in the Lay-z-boy, snoring. His beer can had fallen to the floor and the beer had pooled on the carpet.
Walking down the hall, he noticed his mother’s bedroom door closed. No light peeked under the doorway; she probably gave up after the late news and went to bed alone once again. Finally he reached Billie’s doorway. He could hear her sobs; they were quieter, almost as if she were crying her self to sleep.
“Billie?” He called in a loud whisper, his head against the door.
“Go away,” she said.
“Are you okay?” He tapped on the door with his finger nails.
“Jimmy…Go away.” She sobbed this time, and her crying was muffled, as she covered herself with the comforter.
“Not until you tell me what’s goin’ on. This is the fourth time this week. Bil…What’s goin’ on?”
“No…go away!”
“Billie…let me in…please.” Jimmy heard the thud of her feet hitting the floor as Billie walked to the door and unlocked it.
“You can’t be here. Go back to bed!” She looked into his eyes and her own seem to flash a warning, like a signal flare after a car accident. A collision had occurred, but it was between evil and innocence.
“Billie…what did daddy do?” She turned away and went to run to the bathroom. He grabbed her arm and she winced. He pulled her close and pushed up her sleeve, revealing bruising at her elbows.
“Oh, fuck…no!”
“Shhhh…you’ll wake….them.” Billie shook her head, sending tears in all directions in a spray.
“He’s passed out…I hate him!” Jimmy grew red and he balled his fists. “We have to tell mom…we have to get help.”
Billie put her knuckles in her mouth and started to cry before saying one last thing while pointing to the bed.
“She already knows, Jimmy…she already knows.”
He walked over to the bed and pulled back the blanket, revealing a large dark red stain in the middle of the sheets. He turned back to Billie only to barely catch her before she hit the floor. Cradling her in his arms, he pulled her tight, as tears cascaded down his cheeks. He wanted to…what?
He knew that the uncomfortable sensations about himself were being adjusted somehow. It didn’t feel right to want to be a girl and yet he did. And if this was what being a girl was all about then he wanted nothing to do with it; but he did. New and old feelings mixed together as their pain melded into one horror. He did the only thing he knew to do. He cried. For the first time in his life he cried for someone beside himself; and not out of anger although he was filled with a sibling’s protective rage. He wept for his sister, and somehow it began his transformation; he was being changed from the inside out.
Jamie Elia was born that day; her life had just begun and she feared for it already.
“No…no…no…no…” she wept; over and over as she gently rocked her twin. And they fell asleep in each other’s arms…like Hansel…no…Gretel and Gretel in a way, but it was no witch that threatened to kill them; it was their own father.
I look at you all see the love there that's sleeping
While my guitar gently weeps
I look at you all
Still my guitar gently weeps
Learning to Fly!
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
The next morning....
"Billie? Are you two in your rooms? Chores, kids." Amelia called from the hall way. At nine on a Saturday morning they risked getting in trouble with Johnny most weekends, but he had gone into the dealership early.
"I don't hear anything...what are you two doing in there." Amelia opened the door and looked in and saw the two still on the floor.
"I swear to God you two?" She stepped into the room, and only then did she notice the blood spread all across the sheets.
"Dear God, Billie what happened...I told you to take care of yourself...if it's that time you need to..."
"It's not that time, Mom... And you know it." Jimmy stood up and wiped his face with his hand.
"I don't know what you mean." Amelia turned away, as if that would dissuade him.
"Mom...it was Daddy and you know it..." He began to cry angry tears; nothing his mother could say at that point would stop that. She tried anyway.
"You...your sister made it up...she's lying...it's her period...nothing happened." She walked up to Jimmy and began pounding on his chest. He made no effort to stop her as her fists balled in rage, and not toward him. It was almost as if she were beating herself. He pulled her close. He was outraged that she had let it go on, but she still was his mother...their mother and he still loved her.
"Daddy hurt her, Mom...he hurt her and I won't let him hurt her any more. Never. “Amelia’s eyes begged forgiveness that wasn't Jimmy's to grant. Billie lay still on the floor, weeping softly. Amelia fell to the floor and tried to embrace her daughter. Billie looked up and shook her head yes, as if years of neglect were of no importance. They were important, but something inside told her that she couldn't afford to lose both her mother and father.
"I'm so sorry...I knnnneeewww....I should have....he....Billie... BBBilllie... pleeeeese." Billie pulled her close and kissed her on the face.
"Whhhhyyyyy, Mommmeeeee...whhhhyyy?" Amelia stared at her daughter, no answer could satisfy a question like that; she had no explanation. She began to shake, causing Billie to pull her closer.
"He...." It was all she could get out before she collapsed in her mother's arms.
Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free
That night...
Johnny opened the door and stepped inside the bedroom.
“Kitten...Daddy’s home....” He climbed on top of the bed; it sagged and the springs creaked under the extra weight. He reeked of rum and cigarettes; his smell actually filled the room.
“Have you been a good girl?” He laughed softly but his tone was anything but fatherly. The girl shifted under his weight. She had on the pink baby-doll he had bought for her birthday and her hair was pulled back in a pony tail.
“There’s my girl.” He said and the girl spoke.
“Not really, but maybe someday.” Jimmy sat up and pulled off the wig and grinned at his father.
“You little shit...I should kill you...but you are going to get the beating of your life.” His voice was mean and left no question of his intent. His face reddened with wage. He jumped off the bed and started to pull out his belt from his pants.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you, you bastard.” Amelia turned on the light. Billie stood beside her as she stepped toward Johnny.
“You’ll never touch either of these children again.” She shook with rage and fear and shame, but nothing was going to push her back ever again.
“I’ll fucking kill you all.” He shouted, stepping closer to her and Billie until he heard a familiar clicking sound as Jimmy cocked the shotgun.
“Nope...not today...not ever.” He began to cry; years of fear fell off him like leaves from a dead tree, and new green strength appeared.
“If you come back here, Johnny, I will have you arrested. You’re lucky you’re not dead already, but you are dead to all of us. You have fifteen minutes to grab whatever you can and leave. When you get to your new place I’ll have everything else sent there.” Her voice wavered as she began cry. Johnny took that as a sign of weakness and he stepped closer to her.
“Come on, babe...you don’t want to do this...we can work it out.” He stopped short as her palm slammed into his cheek with a hard slap.
“As God is my witness, Johnny, if you don’t leave this instant I will kill you myself.” She raised her other hand, which held Johnny’s thirty-eight revolver.
“Whhha...you can’t do this!” He screamed as he began to cry. His cries became whimpers as he pled with her.
“Look...I’m sorry...I’ll get help...don’t do this, pllllleaaaase.” He fell at her feet and began to sob. Years of identical behavior after his abuse had set a pattern that was almost etched in stone. He would grow angry and sullen and hit her; she would threaten to leave but back down at his pleading or his bullying behavior, depending upon his mood. Each time she backed down it further solidified his cruel stranglehold on the family.
“Kitten...Tell your Mom what happened...we were only playing, right? Tell her.” By now he was weeping, but years of broken promises coupled with pain and anguish and horror prevented Billie from even speaking. She stepped behind her mother, crying; she couldn’t forgive him even if she wanted to. Her innocence was lost, maybe forever, and there was no chance in hell that he could stay there.
“Leave her alone, Johnny. You’ve hurt us all for the last time.” She cocked the hammer on pistol.
“It would be easy enough to shoot you right here, and have Jimmy put the shotgun in your hands, but I’m not going to risk my future with my girls for you.” Johnny’s face turned from outrage to shame to sadness to anger to confusion, stopping at the last at the mention of the word, ‘girls.’
“Yes, Johnny, you have TWO daughters, not one, and I’m going to make sure that both of them are safe.” She continued to shake and her voice was tinged with sadness, but it wasn’t for him.
“I am going to the police on Monday and tell them just what you’ve been doing. I swear to god I will you will never hurt us again. She winced as she recalled the beatings she endured for years; keeping her own hurt and pain from her children had only served to enable him and did nothing to prevent his evil from reaching out and hurting them.
His face changed as he saw the resolve in hers; he realized her tears weren’t just sadness but anger and resolve mixed together. He stood up and his look was that of a feral beast that had been defeated. He skulked as he walked to the door.
“You want promises you ungrateful bitch? I swear you will never get away with this. I have friends in this town...lots of guys who owe me big time, and they’ll back me against you and these brats.”
The tone and the name calling only served to put a verbal expression to the hatred and cruelty they had felt all along. Nothing he could say or do at that point would hurt them more than they already were.
“You’re sick and you need to get some help. Maybe they’ll have someone you can talk to when you go to jail.” The voice came from behind as well as a nudge from the shotgun. Johnny looked into his son’s eyes...her eyes? He saw a difference in his child; no longer fearful, but something was different. Reluctance? A weakness? He made the wrong assumption and went to grab the shotgun. A loud bang filled the bedroom and he winced in pain as a bullet pierced his calf before embedding itself in the floor.
“You bitch...you shot me.” He screamed in pain and grabbed his leg. He was actually lucky...she was aiming for his back, but she closed her eyes when she pulled the trigger.
“Billie...Go to the phone and dial operator. When she answers, tell her to call the police and send someone over here with an ambulance, too.” Billie stood for a second, still shaking from the sound of the gun.
“Go ahead, honey...it’ll be okay...go ahead.” Amelia said, keeping her eye on Johnny, who was writhing on the floor. After a few anxious minutes, the sight of red and blue flashing lights illuminated the dark hallway through the front window.
“Put the wig back on, baby.” She smiled nervously at Jimmy who nodded before donning the wig on once again.
Minutes later...
A tall man in a blue uniform stood at the doorway, partially behind the frame. His voice was calm and measured as he viewed the man writhing on the floor, a shotgun lying under his left arm.
“Ma’am, I’ll need you to step away from the dresser.” If Sergeant Jack McCarthy was anything, it was reasonable. He had arrived at the house with his partner, who was with Billie in the living room. Johnny hadn't even noticed that Amelia had laid the revolver on the dresser since he was too busy cowering; she stepped back.
“He had a shotgun....” She started to cry. The tears were real, but more out of relief than fear and sadness.
“She shot me,” Johnny mewled as he sat up.
“I can see that, sir. Let me handle this, okay?” Jack reached down and pulled the shotgun out from under Johnny and ejected the shells and handed it to his partner.
“He tried to shoot you and your kids? Is that what this is all about?” Jack read way more into it than normal, but he knew Johnny Elia from his reputation around town; Johnny wasn’t nearly as popular as he thought, and most folks hated him. Johnny looked up and complained.
“Whatthefuck? She shot me...the kid had a shotgun on me...” Jack cut him off.
“Parsippany Rescue is coming, sir. Hey, Pete? Can you step in here and keep an eye on the perp?”
“The perp? She shot me!” Johnny yelled. Jack leaned over and whispered,
“If you don’t shut the fuck up right now, I will personally see that the ambulance takes the long way around and it’ll be to Mountainside, you fucking dickhead.” Mountainside was nearly twenty miles away, as opposed to St. Clare’s, which was just down the road.
“He made me dress up like my sister.” Jimmy hated lying. His new fascination and pull toward the softer gender was actually beginning to feel good, and dressing up in his sister’s nightgown at any other time would have been wonderful, if still strangely confusing. But for this moment, he was repulsed, wanting to strip down and burn the garment.
“He’s lying...He’s lying...” Johnny shouted before Jack kicked him leg, causing him to scream in pain.
“Keep an eye on this piece of shit while I talk to Mrs. Elia, okay, Pete?” He said as he ushered the family out of the room. Officer Pete Lydeksen glared at Johnny before nodding.
“No problem.”
Pete leaned over, making sure to press his weight on Johnny’s leg, causing him to whimper.
“You know? I wouldn’t piss him off, if I were you. He does have a gun, you know. So I think it would be a good idea if you just listen for a moment, sir.” He reached into his vest and pulled out a laminated card.
“You have a right to shut the fuck up, you sick fuck. Anything you say can and will be used against you in court of law, you fucking pervert. You have right to an attorney, you scumbag. If you can’t afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you, you fucking piece of shit. Do you understand?” Johnny made no noise. Pete leaned over more, making sure to point his knuckles into Johnny’s leg.
“Yessss....Yesssss,” he screamed.
“Good!”
A half hour later the ambulance arrive and the rescue squad members stood outside the room and chatted with the two policeman while Johnny whimpered on the floor.
After loading Johnny into the back of the ambulance, the squad left along with one of the police cars. Jack turned back and shook his head at Amelia. She sat on the couch, with Billie sitting next to her, patting her back. Jimmy had changed into his pajamas, and was standing in the doorway, watching his father leave the home for the last time.
“Ma’am...I’m so sorry...My mom put up with... Listen, here’s a card with my number on the back. If you need anything, just give me a call, okay? He nodded at Billie and smiled at Jimmy with a wink, as if he knew something important but couldn’t say...for now.
Late into the night...
Jimmy lay in his bed, looking up at his familiar nighttime vista; model airplanes hung from the ceiling. He sighed and turned over on his side. It was a long, painful day, but for the first time in his life, he felt hopeful...and his new-found strength gave him every reason that things would be okay for his mother and his sister...his sister...things started to merge together as he drifted off to sleep....his sister....He looked over to the door of his bedroom. The lights in the hallway were off, and his own room was dark save for the moonlight peeking through the curtains; the stream of dull light was barely bright enough, but the light did set off the auburn highlights of the wig he wore to bed....
Sometime...later....
“Jimmy...come on...we’ve got to get going, honey. I’ve got your toast and juice on the table...are you ready for school?” Amelia called down the hallway.
“I took a shower last night, Mom...I’ll get dressed and be there in sec, okay?” He hopped out of bed and threw on a polo shirt and a pair of jeans along with his black Chucks and socks. He set the wig on his dresser almost reverently, like the prized possession it was. Maybe later. He still wondered why he felt the way he did. The urge to dress and be a girl seemed to have waned overnight.
“Maybe that’s the way it goes....” He thought as he walked down the hall. He looked into Billie’s room to see if she had gotten ready yet and got a shock. The room was almost bare of personality; no posters or keepsakes or animals or dolls. The bed was different. Instead of a four-poster, it was simple, with a headboard and simple pillows.
“No!!!Mom????” He shouted as he ran down the hall.
“Where’s Billie?” He panicked as he reached the kitchen. Things seemed a bit different but familiar at the same time.
“Oh, honey...he called to ask if you could meet him at his house. The Jensen boy was picking on him after school yesterday when you had basketball practice. I can walk with you both if you like?”
“No...No...That’s okay...I can handle it.” He picked up the rye toast off the plate and took a bite before downing a gulp of grapefruit juice. His face twisted into a pucker as the mix of toothpaste and citrus woke him up.
“Don’t forget to ask Miss Brusschi, hon. I’m sure she’s got nothing planned...I know she has no family except Billy, so they’re welcome here for Thanksgiving, okay?
“Mom...did the cops take Dad away? Where is he now? Amelia’s expression turned to surprise and sadness.
“Oh...honey...we need to ask Dr. Alterbaum about your memory...you asked me yesterday. He...” She shook her head. Her grandmother had told her to never speak ill of the dead. Johnny Elia had been stabbed to death in prison for attempted murder and rape; maybe Jimmy was blocking, like Dr. George had told them at their last visit.
“He died, honey, remember?” She shook her head as the bewilderment seemed to hang on Jimmy’s face.
“Yehhhh...yes? Oh...” He nodded, trying very hard to recall something quite familiar and yet totally brand new.
As angry and sad as she was, Amelia let it go at that. The prison doctor had told her that Johnny’s death was, which was very strange, even for a stab wound to the abdomen. And at his passing he told her that Johnny screamed loudly and complained about the burning pain. Belly wounds can sometimes do that, but he was conscious and in agony until the end. Amelia wasn’t asked to identify the body since he died in prison, but the doctor would have advised against it.
“His last words were, ‘I’m sorry...no!’” The prison doctor decided against telling her that the look on Johnny’s face was the worst look of pain and horror that he had seen in all his time in medical practice.
On the way to school...
“Nick still raggin’ you, huh?” Jimmy asked as they approached the school. Right on the corner of Littleton and Beachwood, Nick Jensen and Steve Albin stood, waiting.
“Hey, Elia...still hangin’ around with the queer?” Nick said and Steve laughed.
“What? You mean my best friend?” Jimmy put his arm around Billy’s shoulder and smiled at the boys as they walked past.
“He’s a fucking queer, Jim. I thought I was your best friend.” Nick almost seemed to beg.
“No! He’s my friend, too, Nick!” While confident and almost forceful, Jimmy seemed surprised at the nearly gentle demeanor he displayed. He liked Billy, and he didn’t care if anyone knew. Billy looked back at the boys as he and Jimmy climbed the hill. Turning to Jimmy he smiled and said,
“You really told them...I’ll never forget this, Jimmy...ever.”
"Me neither, Bil...me neither."
Thanksgiving at the Elia home...
“Oh, I’m so glad could make it.” Amelia said as she greeted the guests at the door. She and Jimmy had worked all morning to get everything ready for their friends.
“I’m so glad we could come, Mrs. Elia." She smiled before adding,
"I don’t believe you’ve met my fiancé? Amelia Elia, this is Jack McCarthy.” She grabbed the arm of the tall handsome man in the blue uniform by her side. She smiled and nodded at Amelia and Jimmy. Jack waited until Amelia offered her hand before shaking it.
“I’m sorry for the uniform, but I just got off my shift a while ago and I haven’t been able to get home.
"Please to meet you, Jack."
He leaned over only slightly and offered his hand to Jimmy who shook it with a look of puzzlement on his face as Jack winked; the kind of wink that said he knew something Jimmy needed to know? As if to say,
"You'll find out."
“Hi, Jim.” A voice from behind Carla spoke. Jimmy looked past her to see a girl about his age standing on the front porch.
“Hhhhhuuhh hi.... Billie?” The girl smiled. She wore a pale yellow dress and matching shoes. Her long brown hair was pulled back in a soft ponytail, revealing new clip on garnet earrings.
“And of course you know my....niece.” Carla said with a soft laugh.
“I can’t tell you how much this means to her...to us.” She looked at Billie and continued.
“She can’t do anything like this...you know...away from home. Jack’s brother Tim is a psychologist. He said that the more opportunities she gets, the better off she’ll be when the time comes. Kids don’t get the kind of treatment and nearly enough attention in this stuff that adults do. Tim said that it’s high time things changed, and he’s working with Billie to see that happens for her.
“Well, it’s not like we don’t know what that’s all about,” Amelia said with her own soft laugh as she pointed back to Jimmy, who looked nervous but adorable in a bright robin’s egg blue dress and navy flats.
Epilogue...
Morris County Daily Record, July 26, 1981
Drs. James Elia and Cynthia Cohen were wedded in Holy Matrimony at Parsippany Christian Church last Saturday, July 18. Ms. Cohen was given in marriage by her father and mother, David and Nancy Cohen. The bride was attended by her best friend, Mrs. Billie Brusschi Jensen, as matron of honor. The groom was attended by his best friend, Mr. Nicolas Jensen, husband of the matron of honor. After a brief honeymoon in St. Lucia, BWI, the Elia-Cohen’s will reside in Hackettstown, New Jersey, where they have a Family Counseling practice.
Oh...and one more thing? While the wedding was traditional in every sense of the word, on their wedding night? Both the groom and the bride wore white; long flowing soft white silk...
simply enchanting.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
~ Fin ~
Put A Little Love In Your Heart
Words and Music by
Jackie DeShannon, Jimmy Holiday, and Randy Myers
as performed by
Jackie DeShannon
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMj7UcjPZ0U
Get Together
Words and Music by
Chet Powers
as performed by
The Youngbloods
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0e2XAN3wcJc&feature=fvst
While My Guitar Gently Weeps
Words and music by
George Harrison
As performed by The Beatles
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3RYvO2X0Oo
Blackbird
Words and music by
John Lennon and Paul McCartney
as performed by The Beatles
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5CUHHGlQg0
