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Someone sent this to me and promised dire consequences if I didn't forward it.
1. How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
2.. How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way.
3. How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psychopath
4. How do you get holy water?
You boil the Hell out of it
5. What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Dam!
6. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids
7. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick
8. What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.
9. What do you call santa's helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
10.. What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quatro cinco.
11. What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
12. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
14. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
15. Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
16. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers
17. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the dog.
18. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The location of the dirt bag.
20. Why did The Pilgrims' pants always fall down?
Because they wore their belt buckles on their hats.
21. What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, "Whack!" "Dang!"
A bad skydiver goes, "Dang!" "Whack!"
22. How are a Texas tornado and a Texas divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer
Sorry,
Puddin '
Comments
Oh, The Inhumanity!!!
I don't know what it was, but I couldn't stop reading; although I really wanted to. Oh, the pain of it all!
Where does an elephant sit?
Where it likes.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
And that's without getting into 'lightbulb' jokes.
Susie
If you have not suffered enough ...
try the A Prairiehome Companion web site --IE the radio show -- and go to the Pretty Good Joke Machine section.
They have jokes by type.
These would fit well with the third grader jokes group.
Mind you they are pretty good jokes.
John in Wauwatosa
P.S.
http://www.publicradio.org/applications/formbuilder/projects...
John in Wauwatosa
Prairie Home Companion Jokes
I noticed two things:
They were almost all of them contributed by men.
Most of them weren't funny at all.
Here's an example:
>> A blonde walks into a bar. She sits down at the counter and watches the 6 0'clock news. Their is a guy threatning to commit suciede. So The Bartender goes up to the blonde and says "I bet you he jumps" and she says "okay." Well the guy jumps. So the Bartender says" I can't take your money, i saw it on the 4 0'clock news." and she says " I did too, but I was hoping that he would change his mind." Joshua Doty, Tecumseh, Michigan
Of course the most obvious thing about this little story was that, of the three people present in the story, the narrator, the barman, and the blonde, the blonde was the only one who knew how to spell and properly punctuate a sentence.
There's a lesson there, somewhere.
Cheers,
Puddin'
-
Cheers,
Puddin'
A tender heart is an asset to an editor: it helps us be ruthless in a tactful way.
--- The Chicago Manual of Style
Humor
I married into Irish and I'm part Scots-Irish, so here goes.
What's green and stays out all night in the rain?
Paddy O'Furniture.
Yes? Perhaps not. 'drea
Love, Andrea Lena
Lightbulb
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two, but it's hard to get the little critters in there.
the other 2 deer jokes
there are 2 other parts to the deer joke.
1. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
2. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? still no idea.
3. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitalia? still no f***ing idea.
oh the bad jokes i heard in catholic primary school 30+ years ago.
Do you know what a WOK
Do you know what a WOK is?
It's what you throw at a WABBIT!
don't forget these
What do you call a man with no arms or legs floating in the water?
Bob
Why isn't your nose 12 inches long?
Then it would be a foot
What do you get when you play a country song backward?
you get your dog back,
you get your house back,
you get your wife back....
hee hee hee
Paula Young
A life lived in fear is a life half-lived
Don't get me started!
Oops, too late! Hope you've been rehearsing your groans - this lot are truly terrible...
-oOo-
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put him in the microwave until his bill withers.
Why did the boa constrictors get married?
They had a crush on each other.
What happened when the glassblower inhaled?
He got a pain in the stomach.
What is a myth?
A female moth.
How can you get in touch with a fish?
Drop him a line.
If Ireland sank into the sea, which county wouldn't sink?
Cork.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
Why wouldn't the butterfly go to the dance?
It was a moth ball.
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
Dam!
How can you get four suits for a dollar/pound/euro?
Buy a pack of cards.
Why did the belt break the law?
It held up a pair of trousers.
Why did the man stamp on his watch?
Because he had time to kill.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
How did Vampires come over from Europe?
On blood vessels.
What happened when the bicycle salesman broke his ankle?
He was unable to peddle his wares.
Why is it hard for a ghost to tell a lie?
Because you can see right through him.
How do we know the ocean is friendly?
It waves.
What do you get if you cross a Frisbee with a cow?
Skimmed milk.
What's black and white and makes a lot of noise?
A zebra with a drum kit...
Which is faster - hot or cold?
Hot - you can catch a cold.
What happened to the man caught hanging around a circus?
He was arrested for loitering within tent.
What do you call two spiders who just got married?
Newlywebs.
What happened when the waltzers broke down at an amusement park?
They had to hire a spin doctor.
What's the most popular Christmas wine?
"I don't like Brussels Sprouts!"
How can you tell if a ghost is flat?
Use a spirit level.
Who invented King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say "Cheese!"
What is never built to scale?
Prison walls.
What happened when a pair of ladies panties fell into a brewery vat?
A scandal was brewing.
What do you call a polite snake?
A civil serpant.
Why is a maths book sad?
Because it has so many problems.
How many successful jumps must a skydiver make before he graduates?
All of them (!)
Why do people become bakers?
Because they knead the dough.
-oOo-
And I'll reserve the worst (in this batch - I've still got four pages worth in front of me...) for last:
Why is Santa so jolly?
Because he knows where all the bad girls live...
-oOo-
Don't say I didn't warn you they were terrible!
--Ben
As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!