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WARNING: SERIOUS CRANKINESS AHEAD
WARNING: SERIOUS TMI
IF YOU’RE NOT INTO DEPRESSIVE, WHINEY, CRANKY RANTING, QUIT NOW!!
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OKAY, YOU WERE WARNED!
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In all the stories I’ve read here about male-to-female transformation, they avoid talking about what it takes in Real Life. A lot of them punt — surprise! You were a girl all along! Most of the rest use magic, whether they call it magic or high tech or what.
I don’t think I’ve seen a story yet that goes into the gritty reality of what we real-life transexuals go through; that is, SRS (specifically, vaginoplasty.)
The reality is — not stuff that makes for happy fantasies.
I underwent my vaginoplasty a few weeks ago, and what nobody talks about is the PAIN. As soon as the “happy juice” from the OR really wore of, it’s been non-stop pain. For which they give you OTC pain medications, which don’t work. It goes up and down and moves around, but it’s always there. It’s not being able to sleep because it hurts. It’s being worn out and breaking down crying from the pain. They do have pain medications that lower it to a dull roar, but they really limit it because “we don’t want you to become addicted.” Addicted to what? Not being in pain? I’m already addicted — to not being in pain.
And the mess. You wear menstrual pads, maxi-pads, but there’s still a lot of blood. (I’ve learned to recognize the smell of blood.) Not need-a-transfusion level, just stain-your-favorite-pants level. The entire time. Oh, plus the lube and other stuff from the dilation (see below.) A drastic increase in the consumption of toilet paper, paper towels, and tissues.
And I’ve gotten lots of practice getting bloodstains out of pretty much anything that gets too close to my body.
And then there’s dilation. Four times a day, so far. With something that looks huge. And you’re supposed to stick it in. Way in. It already hurts, and now you’re supposed to subject yourself to more pain. But now you get to hurt in new places, and you have to torture yourself slowly, because you don’t want to tear something. And once you’ve finally gotten it in, now you have to keep it in for the prescribed time (15 minutes in my case), while the burning and tearing gets worse and worse. Too bad I’m not a masochist....
And the being constantly exhausted. All the stuff you have to do soaks up most of the day and wipes you out. As does the pain. When people ask me how I’m doing (mostly text or E-mail, I don’t really have enough brain power for real-time conversation), all I can talk about is the stuff that’s making me oh so cranky. I must be boring them to tears.
So I — the “outer me” that got constructed back when I was too young to have a fully formed personality to protect the real me from the D & C the people around me wanted to do on my soul and replace it with some Stepford child — the outer me asks the inner me (which I call my “inner oracle”):
Did I really have to do this?
And it answers (oracularly):
YES
Is it really worth it?
YES
Now that you know what it involves, wouldn’t you rather have not done this, or maybe done a minimum-depth vaginoplasty?
NO
But it hurts!
Then, wordlessly spoken with a Buddha-like smile:
“LIFE IS SUFFERING”
But the weirdest of all: when I feel that area, or look at it in the mirror, in a weird way, it feels — right. Like I feel better being this way. I can’t explain why. When I try to figure it out, it doesn’t make sense logically. I went ahead and did it anyway because my “inner oracle” told me to do it, and I’ve discovered that it’s a lot smarter than I am.
I no longer feel like I have to hide that part of my body. I don’t feel ashamed of it. I am what I am, a not all that good looking, nearly 70 year old trans lady, and I’m okay with that. When I was at a recent post-op, and someone was about to come in while I was getting dressed, I realized that it wouldn’t bother me. (Well, they’re all medical people, they’ve seen it all anyway.) I don’t plan on walking down the street naked, but I don’t mind walking around my apartment naked. (If someone really wants to look in the window through the blinds to see what an ugly old lady looks like, well, whatever turns you on. Different strokes and all.)
Or, as one webcomic (Calogrenant.com) puts it:
Comments
Don't you just love how
2 weeks post and they're out jogging! Uhh, yeah, right... Magic is true fantasy, a fiction, like most of the other falderol in the stories. There is no one realistic story, although there was one about 6 weeks of hell I read a longtime ago (they had an issue with blood clots, take your lovenox!)...
That said, hope it all goes well, and by all means, while you are in the proper mindset, write the definitive book and what to expect when you get new equipment installed :P
Be well, and may you need no corrections!
Hugs,
Diana
ps May I just say I am jealous? ;)
I've read a few that tried to cover that part,
though I think it's reasonable that so much transfic soft-pedals it. After all, most transfic is intended as fantasy, with the expectation that those of us who are lucky enough to pursue full transition will have the medical information available to know what we're getting into.
Best of luck in your recovery!
Melanie E.
Reality - like Karma - is a bitch
Your post takes me back - sadly that is the reality. All surgery hurts, and can hurt for a long time after. What I didn't recognise in your post is bleeding. Did your surgeon say you should expect that? I had virtually no blood and would advise asking someone if you are still bleeding a lot after "a few weeks".
Dilation is another joy, along with salt baths which I was told to have 2 or 3 times per day. That first month it was a full time job.
Enjoy, it _will_ get better soon and then you have the rest of your life to know you are as right as you can be.
Congratulations, it's a girl!
Alison
Bleeding
There shouldn’t be that much pain after four days. I don’t remember bleeding at all after that stint thingy was pulled out. I wouldn’t say it was comfortable for the first two weeks after surgery but it wasn’t terrible.
There shouldn’t be blood when dilating. find a qualified doctor to check things out.
Doctors say it's normal
I have a weekly post-op appointment at the surgeon's office, and they tell me that it's all normal. (And this is one of the most highly respected vaginoplasty surgical teams in the USA.)
Also, the literature they gave me about dilating and post-op care says we should expect some amount of blood to come out when dilating. That is, when you pull the dilator out, it's covered with a mixture of lube and blood and other detritus from inside the vagina.
It's not a huge amount, but it doesn't take much to make an awful mess and get on everything.
I’m not post opp …..
…… I’m not even ‘out’ but what I do have experience with is PAIN, nagging pain, screaming pain, shooting pain etc etc.
So all I offer is gentle Huggs and back rubs to a brave girl, surgery does heal and hopefully the pain will decrease.
Gentle Huggs
Sammi
It is worth it..
In the long run, it is DEFINITELY worth all the pain to get there, but I agree with the others, a lot of blood that many days after is a concern. Any chance you could check that with the surgeon?
Hugs, and concentrate on getting to the other side. Little steps, that definitely helped me. Lucy xx
"Lately it occurs to me..
what a long strange trip its been."
Post opp blues
I suppose a lot comes down to the surgeon and what techniques they use. When I had mine done, I was in a small ward of three of us. We were all operated on the same day. One with one surgeon, and two of us with a different surgeon.
The night after the opp, we were checked several times for bleeding, and we had a compression bandage put over if we did. I didn't until second night. We had a PCA machine, with block so we couldn't overdose. The lady opposite suffered a lot with pain, some of which might have been due to her frequenting class-b narcotics frequently. She was over the pain by the time we left.
I do remember some happy times in that ward. The last meal before I went home was a goat curry. I'd never had it before, so wanted that experience. Yum.
Talking of different experiences. When I had mine done in the UK, we were encouraged to walk around from day 2-3. My wife had hers done in Thailand and was ordered to stay in bed for 7 days with very little movement for another week back in the hotel. Different surgeons, different techniques and different recovery
See if your doctor will
write you a prescription for some anti-inflammatory pills. I don't like opiates so one of my nurses started giving me anti-inflammatories instead. I was amazed at how much better they worked to relieve pain. Good luck getting back up to speed!
I dont remember that much pain
It felt numb for quite a while and the bleeding had cleared up before they took the packing out. I had it done in 1991, and the surgeon was the leading urologist in the UK. Dilating always hurt even 20 years later and sex was the same, so I don't bother now, I am 70 and I am beyond the carnal stuff, I guess I almost always was, it has never turned me on that much. The pain element also depends on personal threshold and mine is apparently higher than most, it could be that yours is lower. Is it worth the pain and inconvenience - definitely, no one can say I'm not a woman the evidence is in front of me and trousers fit better, though be warned, stiff trousers like jeans won't be comfortable for several months.
My stories also reflect reality of surgery because we tend to write what we know.
Angharad
Post surgical pain
I had mine done around the turn of the century by Dr Schrang in Wisconsin.
He was like a second generation surgeon, a lot better than Biber's awful cosmetic results.
What was notable for him was that his patients had enforced bed rest for six (!) days after surgery due to his fear of the neovagina prolapsing and such. So by the time he had removed the packing it was pretty well healed considering so for me, the pain at that point was pretty minimal.
There was still a bit of blood dilating for a week after especially if you start increasing the dilator size on a more agressive schedule. Now THAT was Painful. Your tissue was still raw but you can get over the whole increasing the dilator size thing easier while the tissue was still comparatively pliable.
That said, I wish the Thailand self-lubricating option was available back then as that would minimize this kind of torture.