The essence of who we are..

How do we ascertain who we are? Not just as men or women, but the attributes that make us contributing and worthwhile members of society at large.

We, as transmen and transwomen are actually being given an opportunity that few others in life ever have. We have the ability and the opportunity to re-make ourselves. To truly become the people we wish to be. To embrace attributes which we find admirable, and discard things that we find less than pleasant about ourselves.

You may say that all we can change about ourselves are the more superficial aspects of ourselves, but on that point I would disagree. Throughout our transition we tend to become very focused on ourselves. This has its upsides and downsides.

On the upside, it allows us to examine ourselves very closely, and recognize the good and bad that reside within us. And to do something about it. We can choose to look at the attributes that we consider ‘bad”; (bad being a relative term) and work on improving them.

Conversely, we can simply ignore them, and continue on as before. But what a golden opportunity! To have what has been described to me as “the ultimate do-over”. To take stock of ourselves and our lives, and be able to say “I am not going to be that person any more”. And I am not referring only to gender with that statement. I am saying that about those facets of our being that we find less than admirable.

On the downside, we can become so wrapped up in ourselves and our own problems that we become less of a person. We run the risk of diminishing ourselves by too much introspection. We become both less than the person we were, and less than the person we want to be. By shutting out the rest of the world and the day to day goings on of life, we can become too insular, too one dimensional.

So where do we find a balance? And how do we include the important people in our lives in this process?

And is what and who we think we are what others see? Do they see things in us that we do not see ourselves? And how do we find out?

Well, I guess the answer to the last three questions is simple and yet incredibly complex at the same time. The simple answer of course is to ask them. The complex part of that is to realize that we present ourselves differently in different situations and to different people.

Why is this complex? Because what others perceive in us, is tempered by how we present to them, and how much of ourselves we allow them to see. Their perceptions are their reality concerning us but is that perception skewed by how we have presented ourselves to them? So in that respect, when you get answers from people, you have to remember to temper those responses with an understanding of their reality. You may say “What Joe thinks is a bunch of bullshit! I’m not like that at all”. Well, in his mind you are, because that’s what you have been presenting to him.

I think that the self focus of T-women and men is a very intense focus on their personal needs. It is for me as well. And, except for a few rare cases I have met in the past, I would not consider it narcissism. I also believe that a high level of individual focus is necessary if we are going to complete transition and come out the other side sane and somewhat balanced.

But I think we need to temper that with an awareness of the world around us. Both in a general sense, and in the sense of how our focus MAY be affecting our loved ones. I truly think that our loved ones need to be a part of what we are doing, and included in the process of transition with us. To narrow the focus too much will shut them out.

Because remember, they are transitioning no less than we are. We are creating a paradigm shift that they have to deal with. And they need no less love and support than we do throughout the process of transition. This is very scary for them, just as it is for us. And some of their worries are exactly the same as ours. Like: Will we pass? How will we afford the surgery? What about the spouse and kids? Questions that we ask ourselves all the time.

For those of us like me, who have a very supportive family; I believe that a successful transition includes the transition of the family. While in the end, we face the surgeon alone - we have the ability to not face the world alone. We have the opportunity to transition those we love right along with us. By including them in our day to day lives and thoughts. So that at the end of the day, we are all still together and moving forward together. Which to me means just widening my focus a bit to include them as an integral part of my transition.

Transition is truly about you/me, but you do have the opportunity to make is about me/us. I have heard more than once from people who say “Oh, I am nothing like *boyname*.” To my mind, that is just not possible.

We have the opportunity, and in some senses the responsibility, to take advantage of this “do-over”. Since *boyname* is a persona created out of you, it logically has a large part of the essence of who you are built into it as well. Yes, there are components and facets to you and your personality that you have kept hidden away for many years. Barriers that no one is allowed to breach. For to breach those barriers is to accept the emotional completeness of who you are. And until you are ready to transition, that’s not going to happen. But the fact that you are here, now, reading this, means you have either begun to breach these barriers or have already done so.

All of us have developed survival strategies, and ways of doing certain things that are in many ways, anathema to the real us. But we have done them, and continue to do them, to survive and transition.

So now you’re transitioning. What now? In many ways, this is guided by your own emotional well-being and your conceptualization of who the real you is. But I think it is also a much more organic and evolutionary process than that. Like any child maturing, the real you will adjust and adapt over a period of time until the merging of who you were, who you are and who you want to be stabilizes.

Just like HRT, this is a long term developmental process. It doesn’t happen overnight, or in a month or in a year. It will take as long as it takes for you personally.

I know I have found my outlook and interests changing over the past 5 years, and I know they will continue to evolve until I get to that stasis point where it all comes together as one cohesive whole. This is not to say that things will not continue to change in other ways merely that the point of comfort with who you are and what you are is always there. We are, can be, and should be more than merely the sum of our experiences.

The definition of transition is: the act of passing from one state or place to the next.
To my mind, that means that transition never truly ends. Because we are always passing from one state to the next. Right now, we are transitioning our physical bodies from one state to the next, and along with it a part of our psyche. Which is as it should be, for us.

Life is a transition if you think about it that way - from birth to death.

My point to all this you ask? Well, a thought to keep in mind. Transition in some way, shape or form never ends. Nor should it. If it ends, you’ve already died.

Who am I? A loving and caring woman who is at long last comfortable with who I am. A friend, a mentor, a woman continually learning and growing and expanding her horizons
That is the essence of me.

Who are you? What is the essence of who you are? Are you happy with it, or are there things you wish to change?