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Last night, I called my Mother to tell her that my book had finally arrived and that I would be bringing her a copy, as she had insisted I do, when initially told that I'd even HAVE a book.
Then I called my sister to let her know the same thing. Her response? "Um...I don't think you should give Mom a copy." I asked her why, knowing that her recent entry into the religious brainwashed population was actually the reason behind her statement. She believes that my transition is wrong, and will preclude my entry into her version of Heaven.
Her response? "Oh, (sigh) I don't want to get into it right now because we'll only end up in a big argument and I don't want to do that right now. I'm tired and I want to rest up for my trip tomorrow."
I told her that there would be no argument and again asked her to give me her reason for not wanting me to give my Mother a copy of my book.
Her response? "I SAID I don't want to get into it right now!"
Rather than continue this more than unsettling discussion with her I simply said, "Fine. Have a good trip. I love you. Goodbye."
So WHY is it that those who are SUPPOSED to love us...don't? Why do we have to seek refuge in this electronic world. instead of seeking and finding that refuge from our families? Is it that they are embarrassed by us? By what others might say to them about us? Is it that they are so accustomed to seeing us in our male roles that they cannot imagine us any other way?
Are they being selfish? Ignoring our needs in favor of their own? Are we expecting too much from them?
Following my conversation with my sister, I cried for at least a half hour, comforted by my best friend and housemate, Tina. She assured me that she loved me and supported me, and tried her best to cheer me up. It worked...sort of, but I finally had to go to bed, to seek solace in my dreams, where everything is right and perfect, and I am who I was always supposed to be.
When I awoke this morning, I hearkened back to last night and decided to do this blog entry and ask all of you the question.
Why can't our families love us the way they are supposed to?
More than half of mine does, but my two sisters, to whom I should be most close, don't. One married a staunch Catholic and I can sort of understand her feelings, clouded as they are by the dogma she has become most subject to, but the other...she is only recent to the "I found God" thinking, and maybe she is just too new to it and hasn't had time to form her own opinions and thoughts, as opposed to taking every word in the Bible as unquestionable fact?
As close as I have always been with both of them, and we have been VERY close, their religions and my transition are pushing us further and further apart, and that hurts...a lot. So why can't they be happy for me, as my Mom has said she is, that I've finally found myself and am doing my best to be who I was always supposed to be?
Puzzled and hurt, I am
Catherine Linda Michel
Comments
Because they are human as well as family
Cathy, I know it's hard, but people are people before they are kin. That means they have their own mental axes to grind, and their own problems dealing with a world that's way more complex than they ever imagined. Most people hold tight to how they think the world should be with such an iron grip because they're afraid if they let go, they'll fall into the chaos of what REALLY is and be lost forever in fear, uncertainty and doubt. Some cling to a particular religion, others to politics or social order. So you choosing to transition has thrown a HUGE monkey wrench into their worldview -- one they have no idea how to handle.
Giving up on the illusion that they actually understand how the world works is a difficult thing to do. So naturally, their first instinct is to try and force you to behave as they think you should, to reinforce their idea of how things are (and should be). They become angry with you because you're forcing them to see things they don't want to see -- mainly that the universe is a strange and complex thing totally beyond their control, filled with people who see things VERY differently from how they THINK things are or should be.
No one likes to admit the world isn't what they thought, and our families all believe we should be who we were when we grew up beside them. It took a long time for my mother to see the woman I'd become instead of the little girl she gave birth to and cared for.
So don't despair. They may come around when they realize you're still you, and you're way more important than trying to hang on to a badly drawn picture of the universe that just isn't so.
*hugs tight* In the meantime, you have the folks here -- people who have had their noses rubbed in the fact that the universe isn't what everyone else thinks it is from the minute they figured out they were born in the wrong body. And people like me, who figured it out on her own and loves the people here for who they are.
*squeeze* Hang on, Cathy. You're loved. *kiss*
Randalynn
You can have peace, or you can have freedom.
Just don't count on having both at once." -- Robert A. Heinlein
A hug and a smile for you Catherine...
It isn't so much that "they" don't love you more than the fact that they've found "RELIGION!"
It wouldn't matter which religion much. More to the point it depends on what faction they cling to in any particular religion.
My favorite line to use from the Bible is this one.
"...And God said, 'When you become one in flesh, you are married in the eyes of God'
It never does mention the gender! And how many of the so-called religious people have been married in the eyes of God multiple times? Too many to count, that's how many! Giggle, giggle...
Leave the religions to those that need help with themselves, but too many use their particular version as a tool to judge others, which is exactly the opposite of what those religions are supposed to be teaching!
No Catherine, religions pollute the minds of their followers more than teach them the correct way to live their lives for God. It is said that God wants us to know, love, and serve God. How does that jive with condemning others because they don't follow a particular religions rules and regulations?
Your sister, if she was left to be her self, would know this, but instead she has reached out to a religion for help in her life. Reaching out to a religion is not the same as reaching out to God.
More like a collective all reaching together with no real personal relationship with God, but a collective bargaining instead. Okay, if I follow these rules and do what this religion tells me to do, I'LL BE SAVED! Bull Crap!
What ever happened to that BIG HUGE TRUTH IN THE BIBLE THAT SAYS...
Judge others and you shall be judged. Judge not and you shall not be judged.
Pretty simple truth to me, but don't spread that around! A lot of religions just might get mad at you, and their dedicated followers will come gunning for you!
Oh yeah, and my favorite "THEY" like to say.
"Hate the sin and not the sinner!"
Now that makes me roll over and giggle my bottom off!
Our families and others live their lives as they choose, we must do the same with ours. It's your choice, but when your family members choose the wrong one(s) it does hurt and it hurts deeply. Unfortunately, there is no easy remedy or fix these problems. We just have to keep on living our own lives as true to ourselves and our beliefs as we can. Maybe, just maybe, someday, things will work out. Just keep the channels open, let them close the channels if they want, but keep your side open.
Families can be really screwed up, just keep true to yourself. There is nothing anyone can do about that pain in your heart caused by your family, we can help ease that pain by being here for you. We are here for you Catherine!
Huggles Catherine!
Angel
"Be Your-Self, So Easy to Say, So Hard to Live!"
As many different reasons as there are people.
Hi Cathy,
I know we've talked about this a bit before. For each of my family members it is a slightly different reason.
My mother is very religious. She won't try to understand something that isn't supported by the church's dogmas. It is wrong so no matter how much I try and help her understand she will see it as wrong. She won't look at any of the medical literature on the subject or talk to a 'qualified' psychiatrist about it.
Now having said all that about my mother she still loves me. She can't understand me and I'm sure she spends a lot of time praying that I'll be healed of my affliction.
A few months ago her pastor asked her about her children. She said she had two daughters. He replied that he had thought she had a boy and a girl. She replied that it was two daughters. Its taken her a long time to get to this point. Recently she said that she has finally noticed (or maybe she has finally accepted) that I seem happier than when I was pretending to be male. She accepts that this is who I am and that I am better off this way.
My sister was the one who had the hardest time accepting me. She once told me that she felt as though I had killed her brother. Well it has taken years but we are finally comfortable with each other. We are still not close like we once were but we are a lot closer than we were for many years because of this. She has even put me in her will to look after my niece and nephew if something should happen to both her and her ex. Now my sister is a bit of a homophobe when it comes GLBT in her own family, so that she has accepted me and has decided that I should look after her kids is huge.
Its taken years to get to this point. I started this whole thing in my early thirties and so its been around 15 years to get to this stage. You may have to be patient for a few more years. Hopefully the family will see the light.
I can't say that your sisters will eventually come around but maybe there is hope because you are still taking to them.
Take care Cathy,
Arwen's Tears
Family
Hi Cathy,
Most everyone has said what I'd in mind so instead I just say remember that here we care.
Hugs and yet more hugs!
grover
Why have others got to accept us - get real!
I won't disagree with anything that's been said, but I would like to add another dimension and ask that you see things from their perspective, in other words, why should they accept you? Just because you're changing your worlds, why should everyone else? Don't they have the same right to say it's unacceptable to them as you have to say their non-acceptance is to you?
These are the risks we take in doing what many still find difficult to understand let alone tolerate or accept. And to say I'm still the same inside, after you've been shoving hormones in by the bucketload, is patently nonsense. If it wasn't then why bother taking them?
Whatever it is that drives us to do what we feel we have to do, and that might be different for each of us, why is it that we feel others have to accept us or they are in the wrong?
It's against the law in many countries to discriminate against people on the grounds of their gender or sexuality, and all the variations thereof. I approve and support that wholeheartedly, but even if I could I wouldn't support legislation which made people accept me for who I want to be or think I am.
Real life is tough, to survive as somebody a bit different, is even tougher. There will be others who reject you, accept their right to do so and move on, because ultimately you change and once you do, so does the world. We spend our whole lives trying to change the world, when it's ourselves we need to work on.
Having said all that, I wish you success and as much happiness as you could want for yourself.
Angharad
Angharad
Chance, Choice, Family, Understanding and Accpetance
Some family is brought together by chance. Some family is brought together by choice. The family we are born into is by chance of birth. Unless they are all experiencing similar things (such as being transgendered) there's a fair chance they won't understand us and may have difficulty accepting us.
On the other hand, families of choice often come together because of similar experiences (such as being transgendered). Having had similar experiences, there's a better chance of understanding and acceptance.
Still, if we give people a chance, some who don't understand us and have difficulty accepting us may eventually be able to see things differently. Just remember, it's not something we can do for them. It's something they need to do themselves, when and if they're ready.
I've had mixed results with relatives. Some of them seemed to take longer than others to come to terms with the idea of me being a girl. I'm still waiting and wondering if a number of family members I had been very close to would be willing to be close to me again. Still, I believe there's a chance. In the meantime, I count myself lucky to have people willing to accept me for who I am.
Heather Rose Brown :)
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Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx
I am with you dear.
How long have you been "OUT" dear? I first came out when I was about 5 but with sufficent beatings and negative reinforcement, managed to stave it off until middle age. (bitter snort, deeply sarcastic too).
I can't come at this from a religious point of view or even an emotional one but I can say that there are people who have studied the subject much. The available data indicates that in about 66% of the families, close ties are eventually established again. My Docs used to say that I should give it two years. Well, in my case it has taken nearly three and while things are warming, they are by no means normal.
I "got religion" when I was 27 after having been forced to bear the childhood from hell. People sometimes ask me why I did not go out, drink, pillage and murder and use childhood as an excuse, and I just do not have a good answer for that save that God had a different path for me.
I was married for 39 years, was deeply religious but a series of events conspired against me to blow the lid off my gender issues. At least that is the way it felt. I felt as if I were being dragged kicking and screaming into facing my true self.
Picture my past life of being very religious, having made several trips to the overseas mission field, hyper traditional immediate family; ya know, just like the Nelsons. I had been accused of being a fagot sometimes because in spite of the fact that I topped trees, white water rafted, worked construction and all, if I was not dressed suitably and "doing the role", I looked very effiminate.
My family was absolutely crushed and I felt as if I had been given a death sentence when I finally accepted my new fate. The Church that I had worked so hard for shunned me. My friends were not to be found, and my absolute soul mate, the person who I expected to die beside, who knew everything about me, who I adored and served like a slave, suddenly threw me out!
Oh devastation of devastations. In the next two years, I was hospitalized 5 times with suicidal ideation.
What I failed to appreciate for a long time is as hard as it was for me, it was equally as hard for them. My oldest daughter says it was like I had died; she'd lost her dad. My Son kept abusively throwing scripture at me for a couple years, while I tried to convince him that I still loved God. Finally, I just had to tell him that he was hurting me all the time and if he wished to converse with me further, he was going to need to moderate his approach. That seems to have helped a lot.
My youngest daughter to this day remains completely aloof and I do not know if she will ever come round. She is married to a 12 degree redneck, and unless she gets that weasel out of her life, she is not likely to.
I have still not gotten over my X, and do not expect I ever will. The pain of our parting is still absolutely indescribable. She had said that we would always be friends and would talk and I vowed to always help her in life when she needed it. She was one of those endearing but high maintenance people who always needed papers written, standards written, cars fixed, and generally barked at to see that she was safe. I felt like the butler and body guard rolled into one.
Yes, this Trans path that you are in now, can sometimes hurt like hell. I wish I had better answers.
I have gotten involved in an ELCA Lutheran Church and recently, the pastor started talking to me about going to seminary; I may. Life is full of constant surprises.
Khadija Gwen Ellen Bint Boucher :)
Unknown factors scare us
In some families DENIAL is the major reason that we can not express ourselves and be understood. Parents and siblings often remember us as were were a son our daughter and when we cross those familiar lines we have stepped int oa world which they do not understand or do not want to even try to understand.
Parents eventually become set in the ways that they feel comfortable with, thus anything abstract to them makes them uncomfortable.
Siblings, they are a different story. Most do not want to acknowledge that their sibling is not what they want us to be. They certainly do not understand and often but not always they tend to agree with the parent.
Those that disagree with the parental unit are subjected to their own isolation.
I find that only a small handful of Christians are not accepting of a transgendered person. the factors are due to classification of the transgendered. that is with the Gay, bi-sexuals and Lesbians. Hence the small minority see us as sinful.
The Book of Isaiah 55:8 "Gods thoughts are not our thoughts and our ways are noit Gods ways," is overlooked by many people who claim to be Christian.
People tend to forget that Jesus walked among the sinners and dregs of society, he never spoke against any one of any nature, yet his parables certainly do hit home. one thing he has said is "Love the sinner hate the sin"
Instead of demanding we be accepted or imploring others to accept us we must first accept ourselves. If we cannot accept us then how can we expect others to accept us. So instead of being miffed and blaming societal mores for discomfort reach out with kindness, reach out to learn why they are unaccepting then educate them.
I am attending a church that fully accepts me. A church with born again Christians. go figure. I give the credit to God. Of course I've been a Christian for a long time but not as long as I have been fighting my gender acceptance. I found an inner peace and it has been useful in my being accepted by those around me.
If your family never does accept, go on in life be yourself, its what you do that brings you inner peace that counts. No one can change a family mind set by fighting with them, its done by courtesy and forgiveness.
I'm sorry if this is not the answer you were looking for, but it is what has worked for me and others that I know.
Cathy, we have talked before. All I can do is pray for you and that I do.
Jill Micayla
May you have a wonderful today and a better tomorrow
Jill Micayla
Be kinder than necessary,Because everyone you meet
Is fighting some kind of battle.