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Someone sent me a blog post to ask me if I thought they should post it. Thinking about what she wanted to say in her blog got me to thinking about timing and some things I need to say.
I'm dealing with a mother dying of cancer here, doctor's appointments almost daily. They called me at 12:30 this afternoon and told me to have mom at the hospital at 2. Either that or it would be another month before they could do another test.
I went through this for four years with Jeanne and now it's happening again.
I've got a broken premolar tooth and an abcessed wisdom tooth, I haven't been able to make appointments to take care of these because I need to keep the calendar free for my mom until they stop doing tests and start doing treatment.
I spend close to $800 a month running BC and other websites I provide free hosting for and I only ask for $500 a month in donations, and I work to provide something in return for those donations. Each of the donated stories in the hatbox requires 4 to 6 hours work from me to set them up, sometimes more. I spend about two hours per day doing site maintenance and another two hours, usually at night, editing and proofing and doing my own writing or sometimes tinkering with code to make the site better with more features and benefits for everyone who visits the site.
I get $1300 a month in disability because a bad back prevents me from taking employment. I can't work at anything for more than an hour or so at a time and some days I can't get out of bed most of the day. Not exactly employable.
Friday the power went off and it took all day because of a midday doctor appointment to get it fixed at a cost of $300. Because of the power being down, I did not see the controversial posts on Shalimar's story until very late. That crisis built and boiled all weekend. Yesterday, I thought I had dealt with it, things had quieted down. These blow-ups seem to happen every few months. During the weekend I also dealt with a hacker and two rippers and somebody whose browser settings were monopolizing the site by creating new sessions everytime she looked at a page.
Some days, keeping BC functioning, and keeping it civil and a pleasant place to visit, just seems too much. It would be so much easier just to write and post my own stories on Stardust. What do you all think I should do?
Comments
I think BC is a valued and
I think BC is a valued and respected site of high quality, but what you do is your decision, the rest of us will have to cope with.
I am sorry that you have such personal difficulties in your life at the moment and I wish you well in dealing with them.
Angharad
Thanks
I'm not really planning on shutting BC down but sometimes I just need to think about things.
Hugs,
Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
Thanks!
Doesn't seem to be much, and not enough folks say it, but...
Thanks, Erin. I appreciate what you do here -- I know I'm relatively new and I have my indignant fits at times, but you put up with it all and move on
You do a lot more than should be expected of anyone
Edeyn
thanks and thoughts
This place is a haven… simple. If there are any that come here and do not appreciate the work you do, both visible and unknown I would be saddened.
I am quite sure I am far from alone in being glad that such a place at BC exists at all.
It is down to you that it is what it is and for that we are grateful.
You have hinted at present troubles a few times and have spoken of past pain. The thoughts of, I hope, all that come here are with you. Know that what you do here means a great deal to many. But of course it must be family and self, first.
Take strength in the knowledge that a great many people scattered all over this funny little globe have you and you family in their thoughts. And accept apologies if we ever abuse what you provide.
Kristina
Assistant
Erin,
I don't know if it's something you want to consider, but if you feel BC is taking more from you then you have to give, perhaps you could consider asking someone to become your assistant to keep things running. With so many members, I'm sure there are a few you know and trust well enough to do this. Of course it's very well possible it will be hard to find someone who has the time available.
It's heart warming to see someone like you giving so much to others, but you should be carefull not to go too far. It serves nobody when you give so much you're going down yourself.
Hugs,
Kimby
Hugs,
Kimby
Kimby, I am one of Erin's Assistants
..and yes there is room for a few more. It does depend on Erin and how she feels. Bob Arnold, of Stardust, is her main Assistant and friend. Bob does a ton of behind the scenes stuff and regularly helps Erin in many ways. Erin does need help, but at the same time, it takes a very special kind of person to be such an assistant. Erin will decide how and when and who in her time. BC is a very precious resource and takes dedication, love, and the right type of mindset to entrust to.
But, we do have some extremely talented people here and I'm sure when or if Erin does, she will find such great people here in the crowd at BC to choose from.
Sephrena Lynn Miller
Haven
Kristina L S describes it perfectly. There is no substitute for BC. Period. The closest thing is Stardust, which has its own dedicated community, but that is a bit small at the moment. It's strange to think, but true, that the Internet would be a far poorer place to many without it.
Thanks for BC,
Aardvark
is "Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."
Mahatma Gandhi
"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."
Mahatma Gandhi
You are the most important person in your life
Erin,
Throughout my life I have been a person who gave her all to help others, then one day I needed help and no one was there for me. Am I bitter, not really I found an inner peace that told me it was time for me to take care of me.
What you decided to do needs to be your decision and yours alone. I do know you have some wonderful people who are willing to give you a helping hand.
Most of us who help others often feel guilty when asking for help for ourselves. I am not good with computer stuff but can offer prayer and moral suport as well as an ear to bend if needed.
What ever you decide, remember that all that you have done so far is greatly appreciated by many. I for one have a place in my heart for you. You have always been kind to me it is your kindness that makes me greatful that there are people like you around.
ill Micayla
May you have a wonderful today and a better tomorrow
Jill Micayla
Be kinder than necessary,Because everyone you meet
Is fighting some kind of battle.
Please take care..
....of yourself and your mother above all else
-There are thousands of us who value BC as a window into a world that is part of something within us, often a part hidden from others, as we get on with our"real" lives - but it is the real life that has to have priority especially in the situation you are facing right now.
Be assured there a lot us thinking - and praying- for you. I've said this to you privately as you welcomed me to the BC community (and helped me post my stories !) but let me say it here -- a big thank you for all you've done and are doing to operate this window on our world and keep it a pleasant and safe place- you are appreciated and admired.
Luv
Cindybelle
Cindy
Thanks is not enough
You do so much here, but your efforts have such far reaching effects for all of us who shelter here at BC. If you must leave than so be it for family and health must come first but you and the care you've given to BC would be sorely missed. I'm hoping of course that this won't happen. You and yours are in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs!
grover
Erin
Erin thank you so much for doing all of this for us.
I personally had no idea how much time goes into hosting a site. I thought it pretty much ran itself once set up. I see I am mistaken.
I also apologize if some of my comments caused you grief too. If it does, it is purely unintentional, and will apologize now. I see that sometimes commenting on a story may sound bad when it wasn't meant to be so. It was a point of how others may percieve it, such as myself. I will soften what I say when I'm aware of unitentional slighting of stories.
I also was not aware of your personal problems and I know it is tough to talk about it, especially here on the net. I am glad you did. My prayers are with you dear. Please take care of yourself and your mother. That is the most important thing in your life.
You have given so much of yourself here, that it seems we as a community don't seem to appreciate it, but we do. As a fiction site, I think this is one of the best. This site has class and good authors supporting it. I also find you have made it easy to contribute to it.
If you decide to stop this site, I will miss it, and I know so will many others. But from what you have told us, I don't blame you if you did and you do have to watch out for yourself and your personal life.
I'm sure most everyone will understand, what ever you decide to do, and we will just have to live with it.
If you do decide to shut it down, we will miss it greatly and we will miss you, Erin. Thank you for giving us a place were amateur authors have a place to publish their works freely, in an enviroment of other authors, where they can make comments helping other authors. There aren't that many sites that allow such things to happen.
Hugs Erin, please take care of yourself and your mother first. What ever decision you make, we will understand.
My prayers are with you dear.
Hugs
Joni W
Thanks and Hugs
Erin,
I understand the heartache and loss of family. I have lost both parents in the last years. One to cancer and the other to a stroke. My career dosent allow alot of time for greiving either. I'm a career soldier currently in Afghanistan with the 82nd Airborne Division.
BC is a haven, it is the one the few sane places I go to for "Me" time. I have never thought of writting before but after reading so many different stories and thoughts here I felt compelled to try. I'm glad I did.
You with this site brought that out, it is my small way to contribute to this wonderful community.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. My thanks are also with you for what you do for all of us.
Hugs,
Jamie
Is life really a dream or is the dream reality?
Is life really a dream or is the dream reality?
In Gratitude
Dear Erin,
I have nothing of substance to add. Just to express my own gratitude for all the work that you put in to make this site the wonderful, warm, welcoming place it is. A place that has enriched me with the friends I have found here.
I am desperately sorry to hear of the difficulties that currently beset you and marvel that you can still find time to not only manage, direct and energise the site, but also to provide a calming mother-hen personna, solving our rather trivial problems, and dealing so civilly with our often unreasonable demands.
My best, heartfelt, wishes to you and to yours,
Fleurie
Do what you have ...
... to do, Erin. My wife and I have watched both her sister and my brother-in-law die of cancer, so I know what you are going through in that regard. I will pray for you. BC is truly a wonderful place, and it will be missed if you decide to close it down. But we will understand.
Hugs, Jezzi
"All the world really is a stage, darlings, so strut your stuff, have fun, and give the public a good show!" Miss Jezzi Belle at the end of each show
BE a lady!
You and this site.
Hey Erin.
First, I'm sorry to hear about your mother. I think it's great that you're there for her. Please make sure you find time to get to the dentist: I don't want to sound like a pessimist, but an abcessed tooth can cause serious health problems, as you probably know.
Having submitted TG stories, blogs, etc. to several sites over the years (and having read stories at many more sites), I have to say that I think this site is by far the best. The voting, the "read counter," and the ability to turn on or off comments are really special for the authors--which encourages them to write more and share more stories. I don't know how many registered users come here, but I'm sure that the number is going to increase massively. Hopefully that will turn into more donation money so you don't have to keep spending so much of your own money.
I just wanted to let you know that there are a lot of us who don't post or comment alot but who truly appreciate the effort you're putting in here and also understand what a cool, unique site this is. I'm sure you know that, but it can't hurt to hear it again. :)
Jodie
xoxo
Take a break
It's too bad there's no way we could help you out, but nobody else can go to the dentist for you, and no stranger can take your place to give your mother the love and support that only you can provide. So the best we can do is to make your other burden less cumbersome. It would be nice if we could force everyone to be civil to eachother for a while to make it easy for you, but sometimes we get really passionate about what we've read or written and those strong emotions don't always express themselves politely.
As much as we enjoy the site, I don't think anyone here wants you to burn yourself out to make it work. It sounds like you're going through a particularly rough spot right now, and if it would make things easier for you if you took BC offline or maybe just made it read-only for a few weeks, then do so. Anyone who appreciates what you do here would understand. Just set a firm date for its return, so that we don't get impatient and flood your email with "When's it coming back?" posts.
Comments from a reader
Erin
I think can understand what you were feeling when you wrote:
“Some days, keeping BC functioning, and keeping it civil and a pleasant place to visit, just seems too much. It would be so much easier just to write and post my own stories on Stardust. What do you all think I should do?â€
It's good to see someone like you giving so much to others, but you should be careful not to go too far. It serves nobody when you give so much you're going down yourself.
I have nothing of substance to add. Just to express my own gratitude for all the work that you put in to make this site the wonderful, warm, welcoming place it is.
I am well into my 7th decade, and had the “opportunity†in younger days to visit Korea & Viet Nam with Uncle Sam. I am not, and never was a “hunk†or a handsome Gent, and don’t believe I ever had any problem presenting a masculine face to the world.
While I never acted on any of my fantasies, I must admit that there were many times when I wondered if I was the person that I should be. As I look back, I realize that even if I had followed up on them I would never have been a raving beauty, or a movie star look-alike, or a Beauty Queen.
I am able to view your site as an extension of my dreams and fantasies. The characters who “change†to what they perceive as their proper gender and role in life end up as beautiful and successful, and (almost always) end up happy, or at least very satisfied.
Thank you for all you've done and are doing to operate a window on this world and keep it a pleasant and safe place.
Darkerebus
"...Take care of yourself..."
Hi Erin,
The very first thing that the teacher told us in my Certified Nursing Assistant class is that :
"You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of others." BC and the other things you do is a great help to our community. I count it a honor to have participated in this endeavor. I love you and appreciate you for what you do. Please take some time for yourself and let others help you.
All my hopes,
Sasha
All my hopes
Sasha Zarya Nexus
Giving and Taking
Dear Erin,
I love this place and come and look every day for new places to travel in the incredible imaginations of the Authors and their stories, Please know that even in your distress and dark times you provide a refuge for us the readers to live free of the darkness that exists in our lives as well. I understand your problems well, my best man at my wedding died of AIDS and I was the only one to visit him and care for him in his last days, one of my wifes best friends died of cancer after 4 years of fighting and the help we were able to give was draining in the extreme, my own health has degenerated severely in the last year to the point that I am now taking oxycontin for the pain, and my father in law is now nearing his last days with cancer also. I wish we all could make a world where these tragedies didn't happen, and we all could give as much as needed to support each other and care for each other, I dream of being able to help and support you and my few donations are not very much in the scheme of things, but I hope you take comfort in the knowledge that you bring joy and hope and light into the lives of so many, and we do love this place and you as well. If I can do anything to help please ask and I will do whatever I can.
Draflow
U've Got A Point
Stardust does provide an alternative, but not nescessarily a great alternative.
There is a place in our community for XXX stories.
I understand how you feel. Even Sissyphus has his bad days. You know Sissyphus, the guy who has been doomed to dress in costumes designed by Gwen L. Just at the moment when the poor sissy gets his clothing properly adjusted, his hair immaculately coiffed, and his make-up perfected . . . poof, the pouf is naked and must start all over again.
My guess is you haven't been able to write much lately, have impatient jerks wondering where that story is they want posted, and need some Erin-time at the computer.
I can give you thirty million reasons I'd love to see you take a time out for writing.
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
$$$
I know you didn't write your comments to spur donations, but sometimes a little money can help.
I'm sending a donation today that I want you to use to splurge on something fun to make your world a little nicer and I encourage others to do the same thing.
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Thanks to all
Guess I was just feeling depressed last night, and a bit angry. :)
Thanks for all the support in comments and PMs and even donations.
Hugs,
Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
A big hug!
Like many others, I would miss BC in a big way, however you must take care of yourself first.
I can empathize with you, having a mother who is in poor health needing major assistance; as well as having health issues of my own. But I'm more fortunate, I do have several brothers who share the burden. This makes it possible for me to maintain steady employment that covers my modest expenses.
Since we can't comfort you in person, please accept a virtual big hug, along with my heartfelt thanks for maintaining such a wonderful site.
Love to you and your mother,
Karen J.
"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.”
George Carlin
Don't worry about us
Take care of yourself. We survived before BC, we can survive without it, so don't martyr yourself for us. ::smile::
I'm not too far away, if you want an evening out maybe we could meet and gab. Sounds like you could use some time off. Take care of yourself first and that includes having some fun. Your mom will understand.
I took a day off myself, yesterday, well, a day away from writing and just doing mundane stuff like paying bills and working. ::grin:: When's the last time you went to a movie or had your hair done?
I'm gone for one day, I come back and all the comments are on this one thread. ::grin:: Scared the heck out of me. The comments are nice though, huh? Good bunch hangs out here. ::smile:
Look, we want you to keep BC up and running and BC is probably more important to some than others. But it's not water or power, it's more like a/c. ::grin:: Really nice to have.
Don't hurt yourself being nice to us. We'll live and we'll be happy to see you when you're here. And we promise to miss you if you take a few days away. ::lol::
-- Donna Lamb, Flack
-- Donna Lamb, ex-Flack
Some of my books and stories are sold through DopplerPress to help support BigCloset. -- Donna
A/C not a necessity??
You California folks have it sooo easy. Come to Florida and see just how important A/C is. :) I honestly don't know how I survived my childhood without it. Okay, I honestly don't know how I survived my childhood period, but not having A/C definitely made it harder.
Seriously, BC is important to all of us, but you, Erin, are more important. Please try to take some time for yourself. I know it's hard. Since I don't have a Star Trek type transporter, I'll just have to send you my thoughts and best wishes, and hope they can help.
Scott
Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of--but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards.
Lazarus Long - Robert A. Heinlein's 'Time Enough for Love'
Bree
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
-- Tom Clancy
http://genomorph.tglibrary.com/ (Currently broken)
http://bree-ramsey314.livejournal.com/
Twitter: @genomorph
I'm a bit late here but ...
Ditto to the general consensus above.
Erin,
DO get to the dentist, infections from bad teeth cause a host of serious problems in cats, dogs and us humans. I have to believe your mom would understand you needing to take a few hours here and there to get that taken care of. If she is like my parents, they cared for their sick parents who cared for the ones before them. And we, in our turn, cared for mom in her lasr few months.
Don't neglect your own health because of us. You are no good to your mom or any one else sick.
It wasn't an overlaod that killed your power cable was it? I assume it was external physical damage due to weather, rodents nawing on it, some idiot cuting it with a garbage truck or some thing like that that cause your cable to fry. The garbage truck thing happened at a job I used to work at. They raise a steel trash bin right into the overhead wires.
If the breakers did the job, you should be fine, it should have isolated your home wires from the shorted cable. If you get any funny smells or the electrical recepticals run hot, call an electrician you trust. The risk is small but keep sniffing.
Best wishes,
John in Wauwatosa
John in Wauwatosa
Donna, Thats a Wonderful Idea!
Treat Erin out someplace nice where she can take her mind off of real life for a bit :) You two can have much fun together for an evening around! And God Knows! She can use some fun!
PS: Just make sure the DiTD doesnt show up and spoil it! Bluuuuuuuueeeeee Moooooooonnn!
Sephrena Lynn Miller
Take time for Erin
Hi Erin
I don't always comment a lot or take time to say Thank You often enough to you for all you do. As is obvious from all the comments here you are appreciated a lot more than you may sometimes realize by all of us who come here.
That said I too want to say please take time to take care of your teeth and your own health as well as taking care of Mom. I know from when we helped take care of my Mom and Dad. Mom will never begrudge you time to take care of your own health and your sanity. As others have mentioned you can't take care of Mom or anyone if you get sick yourself.
I would hate to see Big Closet gone but I like most others before have said would understand. Erin has to come first. As much as we all love you and what you do for all of us and the community. We all want to be sure you take care of yourself as I believe we all feel that Erin is more important to all of us than Big Closet if it comes down to that.
((((hugs))))
Always
Patti