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To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, We hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
The Crown will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which We do not fancy).
My Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Your Senate and your House of Representatives will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To facilitate your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol(which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing 'American football.' There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, as they regularly thrash us.
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is hardly played outside of North America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
14. You must tell Us who killed JFK. It's been driving Us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from My Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
/s/ Elizabeth R.
Comments
physics or filth?
This thing is called the "Large Hardon Collider", and it's supposed to teach us about some "Big Bang"?
I seem to recall a time when physics wasn't just about smut! I don't know about proton decay,
but moral decay is clearly increasing in this universe!
~~Laika
The Potato says:
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/o4jTclx61Tc
E-e-n-n-n-t!
Wrong! Back to class! After school detention for you. :-)
KJT
"Being a girl is wonderful and to torture someone into that would be like the exact opposite of what it's like. I don’t know how anyone could act that way." College Girl - poetheather
"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.”
George Carlin
Now I Know Why
Angharad keeps on talking about saving the universe. The Welsh women, having just claimed the USA for all Welshwomankind are going to CERN to stop those particles colliding, and their secret weapon? TaDa! It's the four-inch door!
Joanne
You've lost me
So Ang's going to pedal her way to saving us through a four inch door?
This all started out so well, but it looks as though I don't have a clue.
Oh well, time to look it up...
Okay. Now I understand--at least some of this.
I think it's amazing how they want to make particles move faster than ever, yet half of them can't even get to work on time.
Still don't understand the four inch door though.
I don't just look it, I really AM that bad...
You Really Are Thick, Nick
Just like a four-inch door. You put it between the particles. Doh!
The Four Inch Door :-)
Is not by Angharad, it is from Alys when she used it to save her main character from harm.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
I don't care
I never said it was.
Agharad and a four-inch door were mentioned in Joanne's reply. Twas I who put the two together as one response.
Sorry Ang
Sorry Alys
Hope I didn't offend
May your stories forever remain separated...
I don't just look it, I really AM that bad...
Her Majesty
Would never sign herself, 'Her Royal Highness'. It is Her Majesty and she signs, Elizabeth. As the titular head of the most important country in the world, everyone knows who and what she is. Nuff said.
However, calling her son Prince of Wales - that I do find irritating, he's about as Welsh as liebfraumilch.
Angharad
Angharad
Ah the Welsh
It figures the Welsh would engineer something like this, after all they engineered my dog, a full sized dog with tiny little legs. I've got to admit that I love my Corgi, Arecee
Lliebfraumilch isn't Welsh?
I always thought it was a cheap imitation of a Welsh Eirin Duon Gwyllt, a nice little rose wine with hints of damson and blackberry...
The Russians like to say they invented everything first, but everyone knows that it was really the Welsh.
Lechyd da!
Puddin'
-
Cheers,
Puddin'
A tender heart is an asset to an editor: it helps us be ruthless in a tactful way.
--- The Chicago Manual of Style
By the spelling I would have thought ...
it was a little village in SE Wales with a church on a hill near a brook ...
How do you pronounce your place names? I mean, Merthyr Cynog, Lanfynydd, and Cefn-Coed-Y Cymmer? And those are just a few near Cardiff.
It's a piece of cake here in Wisconsin with sane, sensible names like Weyawega, Oconomowoc, Sheboygan, Pewaukee, Ashwabenon, Wausau, Menomonee and Wauwatosa.
John in Wauwatosa
John in Wauwatosa
Just Imagine
With a little more sense and less arrogance in the 18th century Americans could have been represented in the British Houses of Parliament,everyone could still be drinking tea and playing cricket. What a wonderful world it would be!!
Australia wouldn't have got started because the convicts would have continued to be sent to the American colonies, although the French also had their eye on the real estate down under,
Joanne
Love The Moustache
Very sneaky Daphne, :-)
Joanne
Who, Me?
I'm wondering who hacked my account and committed lese majeste.
Surely it wouldn't occur to a nice girl like me! Daphne
Daphne
Never mind the All Blacks
Never mind the All Blacks and Springboks - it's the Wallabies you want to worry about.
Poms can't play cricket either mind you - so you should be able to beat them in a few decades.
Imperial Diamonds
One of the principal figures in the early history of baseball in America was a famous British cricketeer hired to come over and teach cricket to the colonials. At that time, baseball was still a lot like cricket, except for the diamond-shaped basepath and lack of wickets.Cricket bats were used and the ball was bowled, not thrown overhand. Foul territory was an innovation not wholly accepted by all groups playing the game. Scoring continued until one side had 21 aces (runs), so it had a more definite ending. Baseball was the game for a summer afternoon but gentlemen played cricket on the weekends.
Cricket in America didn't really begin disappearing until after the 1860s when baseball as a superior spectator sport took hold. Because fans sit closer to the action in baseball (in foul territory), it had more commercial success leading to enough money to form leagues and pay professional players. As a business model, cricket was doomed.
Still, cricket remained popular from New York to Virginia, especially, until after World War I when innovations in baseball play made it even more exciting for fans. Babe Ruth hammered the nails into American cricket's coffin with his flamboyant, expansive, fan-pleasing style of play. Originally, the Babe preferred cricket to baseball as a boy in Baltimore (one of the last hotbeds of cricket in America) because when he came to bat, no one could get him out. And he was a fearsome bowler for his side.
If America had remained part of the British Empire, it's likely that baseball would have spread further and faster, replacing cricket and competing with football for paid fans all over the world. Perhaps the World Series would now be something more than a grandiose name. :)
I can see the Queen tossing out the ceremonial first ball on a green diamond as the Oxford Nine open the season at home against Merseyside in the All Britain League. Oops, rain delay. Sorry folks, we'll be getting started after this word from the Royal Biscuit Company and the pinnacle of snacks, Oreo Mountain Biscuits. :)
Hugs,
Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
What if worlds
What an interesting what if world you briefly sketched before us. Not to mention the Babe as a cricket player. :)
hugs!
grover
It seems unlikely...
...that Babe Ruth can ever have been taught cricket in any other than a superficial manner, since he was no gentleman, quite often reaching a level of violent hooliganism reached only post-1977 in the cricket world after Kerry Packer introduced World Series Cricket and spoilt the old game through the corrupting influence of large quantitites of money.
Puddin'
-
Cheers,
Puddin'
A tender heart is an asset to an editor: it helps us be ruthless in a tactful way.
--- The Chicago Manual of Style
The Babe ...
... was a pretty jolly fellow, kind to children (he was really just a big kid), and lived life to excess. He was well-loved. I've never heard that The Babe was mean, so I don't think that many would refer to him as a hooligan. The skillsets of baseball and cricket are similar. Babe Ruth had incredible hand-eye coordination with the bat -- one of the greatest of all time -- had tremendous power, and was one of the finest pitchers of his era. I think he would have made a superb cricket player.
Ty Cobb, on the other hand, was a difficult man to like. He might fit your profile a lot better.
By the way, the greatest cricketer of all time, Sir Donald Bradman, died today.
Aardvark
"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."
Mahatma Gandhi
"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."
Mahatma Gandhi
With the understanding that I know nothing about baseball....
...I remember hearing stories about Babe Ruth when I was a child. I verified my memories by means of a web search:
From http://www.hofmag.com/content/view/129/29/
>> Why Babe Ruth Still Matters
>> ...
>> Joy, fun, delight. Sure, the Ruth we don't remember could be crude and stupid at times. He got in trouble. He ignored convention. An old-time sportswriter said, "He was uninhibited, the most uninhibited person I've ever known. He just did things." When he was a star pitcher with the Boston Red Sox in 1917, he got mad and punched an umpire he thought was making bad calls on balls and strikes. A few years later, he was suspended five different times in the same season for one thing or another. One year with the New York Yankees he was benched by the team and fined a huge amount of money, equal to an average player's annual salary, for insubordination (he was raising hell off the field and defying the manager on it). Overall, he gained a reputation, now frozen into unbreakable myth, that all he did off the field was drink and bed women.
>>
>> But he reformed, and – both before and after the reformation – triumphed on the field, had fun on and off it, and most of the time spread joy and pleasure wherever he went. He was fun to be around, fun to watch.
---------------
That's what prompted my note. Maybe it was the times; I'm still irritated by the readiness of male protagonists in old movies to say things like, "I oughta punch you!" or actually come to blows and everyone thinks it's just swell. Manly men in those far-off times were evidently supposed to threaten violence at least once during a conversation, and punch someone in the nose at least once a day to maintain a proper level of testosterone.
I'm not enamoured of drunks either, however "fun" they are at parties.
I reckon I'm just a stick in the mud, but I think a man who felt fisticuffs and brute strength were an appropriate way to argue with an umpire ought to have been banned from participating in the sport entirely. In the olden days of cricket that's what would undoubtedly have happened, although the chances of it occurring seem far more remote, there being until recently the understanding that cricket was a "gentleman's game."
I am glad that he reformed, whatever that means, but his earlier behaviour quite spoilt the fun as far as I'm concerned. Lives are of a single piece, and even otherwise delicious soup can be made unappetising through the introduction of a single floating cockroach.
Puddin'
-
Cheers,
Puddin'
A tender heart is an asset to an editor: it helps us be ruthless in a tactful way.
--- The Chicago Manual of Style
The Babe of Baseball
Babe Ruth was loud, rude and sometimes violent. He drank, ate and smoked too much. He was also personally kind and generous, a sentimental softy about kids, women and animals. He made real efforts in controlling his excesses and he seldom got credit for his intelligence or his knowledge of the craft of baseball. If he thought he had wronged someone, he would go to great lengths to make it up to them. If he thought he had been wronged, he took direct action. This was considered honorable behavior at the time.
He had the graces and flaws of a mythic hero, a Lancelot or Roland. He was larger than life and probably would have excelled at any sport he attempted because of his strength and reflexes. He died at age 53, the same month I was born, from cancer probably brought on by smoking.
- Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
The Babe
Erin said what I would have, far better than I could, so I'll go on to my second point. It can be a mistake to take a figure, particularly a semi-mythic one such as "Babe" Ruth, out of the context of his times and attempt to apply some contemporary or arbitrary standard to their behavior. And let's face it, even today, we revel in the bad-boy/girl behavior of our heroes and heroines. Ruth was a human being, and had his good and bad points, but I think his good ones outweighed his bad. Don't forget the bad, but honor the man for the good.
It so happens that I'm acquainted with a popular figure, better known 10 years ago than now, but still one whom, if I just gave his first name, you'd know who I meant. He has received acclaim nationally and internationally for his abilities, and justly so. He is also known for being a generous person, and his acts of random kindness are known to many although he does not seek to "blow his own horn", so to speak.
He also has some traits, less well known, that would certainly cause him to fail the standards puddin is applying to Ruth. Notice I did not call him a "friend", even though I could have at one time. Does any of this take away from the fame he has earned through his talent and skill, or the honor his good deeds have earned him? Not in my eyes. What it does mean is that he is human, just like all of us.
I think in this case Erin's sig line is apt.
Karen J.
"Being a girl is wonderful and to torture someone into that would be like the exact opposite of what it's like. I don’t know how anyone could act that way." College Girl - poetheather
"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.”
George Carlin
You'll note, I'm sure...
...that I expressed the same caveat mentioned above, that this was a different time, but with far less admiration.
Once one begins to accept that idols may have feet of clay and still be worthy of veneration, where does it stop?
Are "reformed" sexual exploiters of children who've chanced also to do something nice to be admired generally, or to be generally condemned with a parenthetical remark? It's reported that Adolph Hitler was a sentimental softie who loved his dog, and was a war hero (WW-I), two-times recipient of the Iron Cross, one of the first class, which honour was rarely given to foreigners. He probably did many other praiseworthy acts during his lifetime. Should our mentions of his name first tell us first of his good qualities and then allude to a few "problems" in a footnote?
Bruno Bettelheim, as a survivor of Buchenwald, contributed greatly to our understanding of the concentration camps and to child development; do these things offset the probability that he was himself a child abuser, and *may* have molested some of the children in his care? He came from an era in which the abuse of children was a commonplace, and "spare the rod, spoil the child" a daily maxim for many, but is that enough? There were parents, and even psychiatrists, who didn't beat children even in those dreadful times, there are parents, and even psychiatrists, who condone not only striking children but torture and murder when it "serves a higher good." I can't help but think that the latter individuals are misguided, at best, and at worst incipiently evil.
I don't claim that Babe Ruth was a *bad* man, nor in any way similar to Hitler, or to any molester of children, but I am suspicious of our human tendency to idolise persons for whom it might be more appropriate to call attention to the whole man. Babe Ruth, as such, matters not at all to me. I don't like baseball, never have, and never will (absent senile dementia), not being all that fond of spectator sport in general.
Many old movies, even plays, are difficult for me to watch these days, as my understanding has progressed along with the times. I don't like the casual sexism, racism, and brutality so often displayed as "normal." So the scene in which Cary Grant pushes Katharine Hepburn to the ground in Philadelphia Story taints the rest of the movie for me, although his character's drunken "binges" in response to her alleged reluctance to let him "wear the pants" in their marriage ran a close second, since I utterly reject both premises, that men are sometimes "justified" in spousal abuse and that alcoholism is "somebody else's fault". I find it difficult to see the humour in The Taming of the Shrew, the thrashings of servants which presumably furnished raucous hilarity to the original audience and the "proper place" of women which was presumably a satisfying reconciliation for the same.
And then there's Thomas Jefferson, the "Father" both of American Democracy (or more precisely, Republicanism, since he wasn't all that fond of democracy) and at least one "illegitimate" child through the substantial rape of an enslaved woman. I cannot say that my feelings about him are unmixed.
Puddin'
----------------
Respice post te, mortalem te esse memento.
Look around you, remember that you are mortal.
--- Tertullianus
-
Cheers,
Puddin'
A tender heart is an asset to an editor: it helps us be ruthless in a tactful way.
--- The Chicago Manual of Style
I think ...
... you continue to misread what others are writing here. And if you didn't mean to compare Ruth to Hitler, why bring it up? You made the juxtaposition, invited comparison, and then disavowed it. That's a debating tactic.
No one is insisting that you admire Ruth. You on the other hand, seem to be trying to persuade others to despise him. One can read about U.S. Grant's accomplishments and acknowledge his failures at one and the same time. Ruth's story is comparably tragic, if played on a smaller, less important stage.
No one has disputed your account of Ruth's failings. Your point seems to be that his failings mean that he never hit 60 home runs in a season, or revolutionized baseball, possibly saving it from destruction, or stood in for the mythic hero in the American story. It doesn't matter that you care nothing for baseball or sport; other people do and it matters to them.
As to Jefferson's peccadilloes, no one knows for certain because everyone involved is long dead. The evidence (and that is not inarguable) is that Sally Hemings was impregnated by a male descendant of Jefferson's father, which still leaves the question open: Thomas or Randall? Or some hitherto unknown half-brother?
A court has ruled that the presumption that it was Thomas is warranted to the degree that Heming's descendants are entitled to call themselves T. Jefferson's descendants because no one can prove that they are not and that the evidence of family story is weighty enough to balance disputations. It's not the same thing as proving that they are descended from T. Jefferson. From this distance, the stain on Jefferson's reputation must be considered problematic if not hypothetical. And that's setting aside completely the unknown and unknowable character of the personal relationship that may have existed between a man and a woman.
Personally, I find that the humanization of Jefferson and other Founding Fathers by the revelation of their personal faults and foibles is a great counterweight to the tendency of some to worship a flawed understanding of their aims and accomplishments.
Hardly any baseball fans who really understand what Ruth did for baseball don't know the story of his personal life, of how he most likely died from abuse of tobacco, of how his last great goal of managing a major league ball team was thwarted by his history of angry outbursts, of the failure of his marriages and his alternating callous and tender treatment of women. He had problems, and no figure from his time period, or any other, did not also suffer from a distressing tendency to be all too human.
Hugs,
Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
Talking baseball
George Herman Ruth was a hyperkinetic kid and large for his age; his parents sent him to be raised in an orphanage run by an Irish Catholic priest. Cricket, football (soccer), rugby, boxing, swimming, as well as baseball were taught there, this was in Baltimore where cricket still had a large place in amateur athletics until World War I. George was a poor student but an incredible athlete and excelled at everything.
There were really only two sports in which a poor boy could get make a good living at the time, baseball and boxing. The priest chose baseball for young George who became known as The Babe for being the youngest player on the Baltimore professional team. Since he was bigger at sixteen than most of the grown men on the team, it had a certain irony, too. Baltimore sold his contract to Boston and the Red Sox within a few years traded their young fastball pitcher to the Yankees who turned him into an outfielder and the Sultan of Swat. Gross simplification of the sequence with the inaccuracies of such simplifications.
The corrupting influence of large sums of money killed cricket in America because crowds would pay to see baseball where they could sit close to the action and the game only lasted about three hours. Gambling almost destroyed baseball before the Babe's career really got started but draconian measures were taken and the game survived. Cricket faded but there were brief periods in which the sport was played professionally here -- the latest being in 2004 with a modified version of the game, similar to Twenty20, suitable for television.
The US does have an associate membership in the International Cricket Council.
Cricket and Baseball are both descended from an old game called Catapult which may actually be related to golf and is definitely related to croquet. Imagine if golf were played with a pitcher who tried to throw the ball into a cup or bowl and a man with a stick stood over the bowl (or hole in the ground) and attempted to defend it. That was catapult. If both players had sticks and bowls, you had Two Hole Catapult which led to cricket. If only one player had a stick and the other had the ball, you had One Hole Catapult which led to baseball in the US and rounders in the British Isles. French and Dutch versions of the games influenced both branches and in the US, an Indian running game contributed a bit to baseball. The Indian game survives, sort of, as the baseball-related subgame, pickle.
The Scots did away with the defender and required the bowler to strike the ball into the cup which led to Golf. The Dutch used first an inverted stool instead of the cup then played with a bail and wicket, either influencing or being influenced by cricket. Somehow the French, or possibly the Irish, got confused and invented croquet, perhaps while attempting to adapt the golf version (which was also played by the Dutch) into a garden game. Croquet and cricket are the same word, really, both meaning crooked stick. The English later succeeded in making a garden version of golf which is now known as Putt-Putt or Miniature Golf and is popular in the US, too.
The Hebrews in ancient times played a stick and ball game that may have resembled what's called Three Flies in the US today or may have been a sort of volley game, hitting the ball long distances between two lines of players. The Romans and Greeks played several stick and ball games and a game that actually looked like a kicking version of baseball, maybe a lot like kickball today and maybe not.
- Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
Baseball Exported to USA
I am indebted, as indeed we all must be, to yesterday's BBC for the information that a diary has been found in which there was a mention of a game of baseball in Surrey (An English county currently inhabited by stockbrokers, bankers etc.) in 1755.
Whilst admittedly America had been discovered by this date nothing much had thus far happened there as far as I have been able to ascertain.
The previous earliest mention of this English un-English activity was apparently in Northanger Abbey which was written in 1798 or thereabouts.
Hugs,
Aardvark, Surely You Jest
Or someone is having you on. Don Bradman died on 25 February 2001,
Joanne
Oops ...
... I ran across this page dated today. For some reason, the NYT printed an old article.
Don Bradman
Aardvark
"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."
Mahatma Gandhi
"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."
Mahatma Gandhi
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