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WARNING: This is going to be long, and perhaps a little nonsensical/cyclical. I'm pouring it all out into text to get it out of my system, but I promise it has a happy ending.
Depression sucks. I know that's stating an obvious fact, but I ended up giving myself a swift kick in the rear today, so I needed to write about it because that's why I started blogging in the first place, over two years ago. I want to be able to look back at this and laugh someday. Call me conceited, but I also want to stand as another reminder to others that no one suffers alone.
A lot of things contributed to this 'episode', really. Something that's been composting somewhere in the back of my mind for awhile now (for lack of a better word) is 'why do I want to transition?'
The simple answer is that there IS no simple answer. All my life I've had complete strangers mistake me for female. It happened more often than I've admitted to in the past, and there were times when I felt forced to act offended because what guy would want to be called "young lady" or "Hey girl", or my personal favorite, overheard when I left the boys' room the first day of my seventh grade year, "That's a guy? I thought he was a girl all this time"
That's nothing new, though, and I've blogged about such things in the past. What changed since I last posted on this subject, on where I stand, on who 'I' am, is the way I see myself. More and more I've begun to accept what others have apparently seen all along (my immediate family aside), and I've begun to even like that, but there are still certain 'things' that bother me about myself.
Some of those things are just too private and personal to share, even hiding behind an alias I'll probably never use even when I do transition (whether it's five years from now, or fifty years, it WILL happen), but one that I've recently started to come to terms with, I don't mind talking about -- in a word, fear. Fear of dying alone, fear of being unloveable, fear of being the victim of hate crime, fear of never being able to find a job, and fear of making the wrong choice.
The last one probably sounds out of place, but it's just as strong as any of the others, perhaps moreso. It's the one that kept me, for years, from acknowleding that ten years ago, I was talking transition with all seriousness. I was ready to go to college, I had a loving, supportive girlfriend, and the world was mine.
Then the girlfriend uttered those words that shattered my fragile, perfect little world. "If you ever did that, I'd dump you in a heartbeat." Did I mention we were talking about marriage? Yeah. This also coming from a self-professed bisexual with a preference toward women. She had her own issues though, and I can't fault her. It was my fault for letting that stop me back then, for letting doubt creep in. We had other problems, but things really 'started' with that conversation, and went straight to Hell from there.
Last night I stumbled across an article proported to be true (I have my doubts because, frankly, it read like bad TG fiction) from a man my age who supposedly suffered under "dress punishment" to the point where three out of four summer vacations in high school were spent as a teenage girl. It brought back many memories for me though.
There was a show back in the 80s called "You Can't Do That On Television", comparable to Saturday Night Live, but for kids, and they did a skit involving 'Dress Punishment'. I spent the next several years of my young life fantasizing about ways to trick my mother into such a brilliant notion.
Of course I never went through with it, but what struck me about the 'article' was that this person, claiming to still see himself as male, sounded in tone and in love life endeavors, a lot like me, and it scared me. I started questioning myself, doubting my own sincerity, and when I finally got to sleep, I woke up feeling simply awful. I was so deeply depressed I didn't want to move, let alone get on with my day.
This afternoon, I started to think about what happened last night. I really examined it, and I looked back at the last time I felt this depressed. Sure enough, the same signs were there. I was beginning to backslide, in effect, facing an identity crisis.
When I'm able to say "Yes, I am female", I feel happy. I feel "right". When I start thinking "Am I delusional? Am I really just a cross-dresser?" I start to slide into depression again. So I don't care what it takes. I'm going to be who I need to be because I'm happier as a single female who probably will never find a girlfriend who can accept her for who she is, than a married man in a miserable marriage because he's living a lie.
The question is no longer "Why do I want this?" It's now become "Why do I need this?" And you know what? I'm not depressed now, either. :-) I'm still scared, but one bridge at a time.
Comments
Gertrude Stein had an opinion
To borrow Gertrude Stein’s famous quip about Oakland, “there’s no there there.†Or in this case, “there’s no why there.†If current research is to be believed, it’s something in our brain stem, so asking “why†is about the same as asking “why do I feel the need to breathe?†or “why do I get hungry?†I spent a lot of time on that question too, but in the end, there’s really no “why,†except in a scientific research sense.
It may not be for everyone, but I found a therapist very helpful in dealing with the guilt and working through the issues surrounding my gender dysphoria. She helped me immensely to be sure I was doing the right thing in transitioning. If you can’t afford a therapist or can’t find one, talking things over with a friend or fellow TG person can help. Your local LGBT center may have a support group.
I am in the same place as far as relationships go. Maybe worse, since I’m interested in guys, and finding men who can accept a relationship with a transwoman is difficult. Plus I’m in my 50’s, and even if I were born female it would be hard to find someone. When I transitioned, though, I decided I’d rather be celibate for the rest of my life than spend any more time living as a man. There are definitely a lot of costs involved in transitioning beyond the obvious financial ones. I will say that while being trans is an obstacle to finding a relationship, it does happen all the time. So just because it’s harder doesn’t mean you should give up! You seem like a very nice person, so don’t sell yourself short.
I think I could go on for a long time giving suggestions on ways to introspect about this, but I’ll stop here. If you ever want to talk things out more, there are lots of people here who are willing to talk, including me. :-)
It's amazing the lies one can convince themselves
Even with scientific evidence out there, I still managed to convince myself that I might not be "like that", but that wouldn't explain why I've always been what my mother called "a gentle child" either, even after puberty hit me like a freight train (the only 'bulking up' I ever did was in weight gain from not spending enough time doing aerobics)
I've thought, as recently as this month, about trying to get a CAT scan done someday just to see once and for all, but the truth is, it wouldn't change how I feel about myself, or how much happier being honest about my feelings makes me, and on the inverse, as many other 'obvious' signs as I've managed to ignore/lie to myself about over the years, one more wouldn't be a drop in the ocean either.
There is one therapist I really want to start seeing, if the stars align and things work out for me to be able to. I accidentally contacted her the other day (I was writing her an e-mail and accidentally hit 'send' instead of 'save' >_>), so at least the lines of communication are still open.
I made it as far as signing up for Yahoo! groups, but I've not found the courage to officially ask to join the Arkansas Transgendered Support group yet. That I think is equal parts being incredibly socially awkward/shy about meeting new people and just generally still getting used to being able to trust people again. I have a few scars that run deep, but they've slowly begun to heal in the two years I've been here. :-)
Ideally, I'd love to find out what offline support groups are available that don't require a three hour drive, and I'd love to make friends with a few people who wouldn't mind carpooling, but right now I just want to take it one step at a time.
ANYway...
/ramble ramble :-)
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It is my fondest hope...
...that you find face-to-face support. Someone who can smile and nod when you need encouragement and arch an eyebrow and say, 'really, Zoe, is that what's going on,' when you need to be challenged. We have so much strength and hope we derive from our relationships on line and for that I know we're both grateful and relieved. But accountability and encouragement go hand in hand when we need guidance and support. A good group and a great therapist are like water to a thirsty soul, as far as I'm concerned. Hang in there, dear one. Like I said earlier today...Zoe...life! A great name and a great gal.
Dio vi benedica tutti
Con grande amore e di affetto
Andrea Lena
Love, Andrea Lena
I laugh now, when I think
I laugh now, when I think about how I chose the name 'Zoe'. At the time I had no idea what it meant. I just always thought it was kind of pretty, and it was the name of my favorite survival/horror character (a college student with an encyclopedic knowledge of horror movies ;-)), but it's really grown on me.
But yes, I agree. I love the connections and the friends I've made here, and I love it when I can brighten someone else's day with my writing, but there's so much to be said for physical contact and, as you said, a smile or a challenging stare. That was the first piece of advice the other therapist gave me. I should've followed through on that sooner, but I'm getting to a point where I can't do this without help, without that kind of face-to-face support.
I want to help others, but I need to help myself first. I need to try and find a middle-ground where I can comfortably move forward with my life, and I feel like drawing on others' experiences locally might help with that. I just need to work up the courage to step out and ask the question.
Thanks again for listening earlier ^_^
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Yeah..What she said!
Get some therapy, you will enjoy it :)
Someone once told me
Someone once told me that people who usually study psychology do so to figure out what's wrong with them. At the time, I wanted to be a psych major ;-)
I kinda wish I followed through on it now. I'd have contacts 'in the business', and probably have been well on my way to a career as a counselor/therapist myself. ^_^ Still, it might not be too late. It's one of the things I need to look into now that things have otherwise settled down around here, and I'm rambling again. Sorry :-D
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Oh, how I envy you now!
I could never be mistaken for a girl. I'm simply not built that way. I'm huge, even if I lost all my extra weight, I'm built like a Jock dreams of (or at least I was, until my amputations!), Tall, big shoulders, very muscular and very hairy. In school, my nickname was Freight Train, for the way I went through a line in football. After Graduation, I became Grizzly, because my friends thought I looked like the bear in "Grizzly Adams" and I have a tendency to growl when I'm angry. I gained a lot of weight after my amputations, because my favorite exercise was walking, usually 10 to 20 miles at a time, just for fun. Now, if I can walk all the way around a Wal-Mart, I'm a happy camper, and very sore! Prosthetic limbs really are not a good substitute for the real thing, but I hope as I get used to this carbon fibre and titanium thing, maybe I can lose some weight again and make things better. My goal is to walk across the Mackinac Bridge on Labor Day, 2012. Maybe it's unrealistic (I'm told it's 5 miles, half of it uphill) but I'm certainly going to try! I'll be the big, bearded guy with the artificial leg and long hair. Yes, I'll stand out, as usual. I'll also be smiling like crazy (I hope!)
I deal with depression, too. I didn't want to be bult like this. I'm a girl inside, but the people I have told this to simply don't believe it, and can't handle that. I feel as though I am a prisoner in a castle. Maybe I'm well protected (no one threatens me, or scares me, even now), but it's still a prison.
Transitioning is a silly idea for me, I'm just waiting for the end so I can maybe reincarnate into the person I know my soul is. Maybe I was a girl before, and this is some kind of punishment. Whatever.
My therapist wants me to set goals, to try and picture myself beyond this depression. With my health, the best I can do is picture a short time remaining, so I can get past this.
I realize a lot of people have things much worse than me. Sorry, it's kind of like having someone say "Hey. at least your car wreck didn't kill you!" The wreck of my life still hurts, even if most people can't see this.
Everybody has it different. I hope to just get through this until I can be truly happy. I believe that there is more after this life, I'm just not sure what it will be. My best bet, I figure, is to be a nice person, and hope that it impresses the powers that be. Maybe if I can prove I've learned something, I'll be rewarded somehow.
Wren
I had such a powerful,
I had such a powerful, "real" dream once that I became immediately convinced of the concept of reincarnation. All I remember of it now, sadly, is that I was a beautiful, newly-married bride with blonde hair. What struck me about it was that everything 'felt' 1980s, from what I was wearing to the way our house looked. I was born in 1981, with bright blonde hair that completely fell out, re-growing brown later >_>
The whole 'newly married' thing not freaking me right out when I woke up was another factor. I mean, I still look at the thousands of people who all claim to be Cleopatra reincarnated as needing mental help, but that dream despite coming at a time when I was very deeply closeted/"I'm just a crossdresser" actually left me feeling really good.
It's a shame others around you can't see what I've known all along though. As a psychic would say, your aura is very pink ;-)
/hug
~Zoe
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Never underestimate the
Never underestimate the power of emotions. They can make a beautiful day bleak and a grey day bright. I think you are asking the right questions though changing the question from 'want' (a choice) and 'need' (not a choice). It's an important distinction. As with Andrea I think face-to-face support makes life a lot easier in these circumstances (a good psych / therpist is worth their weight in gold) as it does in life generally. Transition isn't easy. I certaintly didn't want to do it knowing the changes in my life and the lives of those around me it would cause but I did need to do it.
As for names, well Alison means 'sweet' of course. ;-)
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
I second that emotion :-)
Yes, I'm still here, and still awake. I've been watching youtube videos on voice feminizing (I found a hilarious gal who does some amazing videos - CandiFLA), but I digress.
I've pretty much always been an emotional person -- some would say over-emotional. I can't count the number of times, as a child, I pulled the "run into the bedroom crying and LEAP onto the bed" ... Only it was never an act. And before today I could never bring myself to admit to that :-P
I have mood swings, and music can affect that greatly, like earlier tonight when I was listening to Sarah McLachlan live, "Arms of an Angel", I was moved to tears, but also very very happy (and thinking in the back of my mind about where to get that sheet music ;-)), but yes, you nailed it.
It's something that I need to do to know peace. Something else I'm finding interesting, watching these videos Candi mentioned that she 'found' her voice when she started to shift fully into female in terms of the way she acted, thought, and spoke. It just kind of "fell" into place after awhile, echoing something another wonderful friend here has told me (and if she's reading this, she can expect a PM soon! ^_^)
When I've tried voice training in the past, I always sound like someone's got a noose around Kermit The Frog >_> It's just been disastrous at best, and I think part of the problem was that somewhere in my mind I was still holding onto my 'maleness', not in a sense that I want to give up all things masculine or anything like that. I recognize that all humans have different levels of both, but the psychological shift from holding onto being male either for my parents or for personal security... I think it's what's been holding me back.
We'll see how excited I feel tomorrow, but right now, I'm on cloud nine.
Funny thing about names, as an aside, is that names that fascinate me, it turns out, all have a meaning that some here would say describe me fairly well. Even "Sarah" has its weird quirky meaning, but it's a name I'd never actually consider using when I transition because it has too much personal meaning in other avenues of my spiritual life.
But Sarah Allison, "Sweet Princess", is I'll admit, tempting :-P
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we walk simular paths.
I remember that show, and being moved in the same way. For a long time, I figured I HAD to be a crossdresser, in part because that was the only males I had heard of that wore skirts, and I was still trying to keep down the voice inside me saying "I'm a girl, I'm a girl..." Even recently, I figured the only way I would ever be Dorothy was online, since I figured my physical appearance would make anybody unable to see a girl in me. But I am trying it out in the real world, and finding I fit better than I thought was possible, and so will you. Hugs.
"I'm not like other people - Pain hurts me!" - Daffy Duck.
dorothycolleen
I thought about that the other day
And how many of us walk the same uncertain path, convincing ourselves for the sake of others, for the sake of safety, or for the sake of not rocking the boat, that we're the ones in the wrong. Today I feel something I haven't felt in a long time though, and no matter how much I try to deny it, I simply can't, and have to acknowledge that I feel at peace with my decision. ^_^
I don't know how I'll accomplish my ultimate goal, but they say the first step to recovery is admitting there's a problem. It's just the problem was terminal denial of the self :-D
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Backsliding, Depression and stuff
Zoe, I for one wish for you to have the courage needed so that you can do what you want to do.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
There are no easy answers
About needs and desires, or even if we list them as urges or compulsions we can always justify them or undermine them. We're complex organisms and emotions make us almost impossible. I've lived the dream for twenty five years and still get stressed and fed up, but not about being me in the sense of being male or female. Sometimes I think I made the wrong career choice other days I think it's worked okay. But then being female, I'm allowed to change my mind.
The bottom line, as I used to say to callers when I ran the Gender Trust helpline, is: How much are you prepared to give up or pay - because the price of stepping outside the gender convention can be very expensive in terms of relationships/family; work; housing; social activities/sports and your health, not to mention your financial health. If you think it's worth risking all that - go ahead and good luck: if it's not then think again.
Angharad
Angharad
In a good place
Things were a bit rocky for awhile with the living situation, but I'm in a good place right now literally and metaphorically, and even financially. I can start putting back a little money for the next couple of months while I work out finding a new career, whether that means college or vocational training.
I keep thinking about how my greatest fear used to be losing my family, but really, they've drifted so much, and no one cares to stay in touch anymore, that I've already lost them anyway. :-)
I think ultimately the only decision I really haven't made is "when" rather than "why" at this point. And 'When' is looking more and more like 'Once I start studying for a new career'. I think it's time I consulted TSRoadmap and started figuring this out. Probably time I contacted that support group too. The worst they can say is "Sorry, there's no one in your area" :-)
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