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I'm feeling better today, tired and sad but I can see the fading of pain already.
I called the Neptune Society on Saturday and they will make all the arrangements, including a boat for going out into the channel and scattering the ashes. The price is very reasonable, less than $2000, including $600 for the boat with 20 people in the memorial party.
There isn't a date set yet, the crematorium is not allowed to do burns just any old time but has to get a permit from the state for each body and this can take 3 to 10 days. Curious how bureaucracy penetrates our lives.
So my appointment with grief isn't a firm date yet. I hope it's as nice a day as the last three have been. Fall is a glorious time in Southern California with brilliant, cool skies and fresh winds.
Today would have been my mom and dad's 57th anniversary, All Saint's Day. I talked to Mom early this morning and she isn't feeling too well. It reminds me of something my father said to me once, the fall before he died in the summer; "Don't wait till the fields are brown to come and see us again." I wrote a song I sang at his memorial service.
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A Piece of String
Don't wait till the fields are brown to come and see us again.
You never know what the harvest might bring.
Don't wait to patch the roof till it's pouring down rain.
You don't need to learn the blues to want to sing.
You'll never keep the bitter wind out
With nothing but a corncob and a piece of string.
Don't keep your voices down, make your joy out loud.
You've got a right to make the rafters ring.
And you don't need to learn the blues to want to sing.
Don't wait till the fields are white to come and see us again.
You never know what the winter could bring.
When the wind from that mountain blows, you know we all feel a bit of pain.
But you don't need to learn the blues to want to sing.
You'll never keep the winter wind out
With nothing but a corncob and a piece of string.
Let the neigbors know, sing your joy out loud.
Don't fear to make the rafters ring.
'Cause you don't need to learn the blues to want to sing.
Don't wait till the fields are green to come and see me again.
You never know what the summer may bring.
When you hear that hearse roll along, you know it's too late to call my name.
But you don't need to learn the blues to want to sing.
You'll never keep the summer rain out
With nothing but a corncob and a piece of string.
The only joy that shows is to sing it loud.
You've got to make those rafters ring.
'Cause you don't need to know the blues to want to sing.
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Joyce Melton, 2004
Give someone you love a hug from me today.
Comments
A few good tips from my Father's Ash scattering
Oh Erin, a big hug goes out to you.
If youre sick of advice and people trying to help, just stop reading this message right here, i won't be offended.
But when we scattered my fathers's ashes, i was told a few good tips.
1) Schedule any food eating for yourself and the people on the boat AFTER the ash scattering. It's not a time to risk seasickness and you'll be a little queezey from the grief anyways.
2) Bring a good pair of scizors and/or a sharp knife, those ash bags are tough.
3) Take any of the ashes you plan to use for other perposes (like the pet/garden scattering you mentioned) before you leave for the boat, a shifting boat is no place to try and put ashes into smaller containers. My mom kept a small spoonful in a keepsake so he'd be nearby and it could be scattered with her, when her time came.
4) Make only a small hole in the bag for removing the samples above, tape the hold shut afterwards. You'll have about a quart so it's good to try and keep it contained and not have to worry/think about cleaning up any that might spill.
5) They should allready know this, but have the captian turn the boat into the wind right before you scatter the ashes from the stern (rear) of the boat holding the ashes down as low to the water as you can (to minimize it being blown about by the wind in directions you don't want.
6) Take care of yourself, bring a warm jacket and maybe a hat/scarf, it can get cold out on the water even if it's warm on score. Talk with your friends and family on the way out and back it'll comfort you a bit and it's good to have a kind shoulder nearby.
7) Remember that when her ashes are scattered at sea, it will be dispursed to the whole ocean. Everytime you see the ocean you will be visiting her.
Goodluck and my prayers and sympathy are with you both.
-Darla