Today has been one of the hardest days I've had in a long time. Last night my therapist went over the whole adoption situation for the first time since the anniversary is on Thursday. She had to have told me at least a dozen times that no piece of that blame pie was mine. I know she's right there was nothing I did wrong to cause what happened. In a way it was easier to blame myself because it wouldn't hurt as bad. Since then though my mind has changed and being honest I've been crying all day over that lost time and how it could've been spent. I've been mourning that whole mess and how much I miss her.

It was particularly hard today, I couldn't keep any food down and found myself roaming the house in a daze. In a way I got lost in my house reliving everything. The pain was so intense I couldn't breathe, I couldn't even move. There had to be some relief I kept telling myself despite knowing it was bullshit. After awhile that feeling consumed me and I knew I had to do something.

As before I decided that my life had to end. Eternal peace seemed like my only hope for some solace and peace. That's when something happened even I couldn't have predicted. From the moment I woke up something felt different and I never knew what. Even after deciding to take my own life something still hadn't been revealed. It's like when you know something is coming in the mail your just waiting to see it. I don't think this timing could've been anymore "specific."

For some reason or another I just had to see her profile one more time before I left. My note was written and the belt was hanging in my closet waiting for me. Then I remembered why I couldn't give up no matter how excruciating the pain was. Her picture had changed and everything kind of disappeared. All that emptiness that lurks beneath the surface was suddenly overfilled and I couldn't do it anymore. For the longest time I just stared at her and wondered. That had to be divine intervention, there's no way she's this beautiful, is she making the same face I make? All those dad questions entered my mind and I found myself ready to keep going.

Don't mistake that void and emptiness is still there. Hell the tears haven't even stopped yet but I know the future has to be better. I still can't believe myself sometimes. Things are getting better but because that pain remains I let it blind me. Instead of seeing the job I got as a stepping stone I see it as an insult. In this time I'm grateful to even have work but the pain brings out my anger. Five years in professional kitchens and all I'm worth is washing dishes? Or instead of being grateful I can afford my apartment with some for savings I bitch about the lack of furniture. I get hung up on the fact my brother in law took our moving money and dipped on us. Fuck that piece of shit, he has a felony I don't.

Things aren't as bad as they feel I just wish for relief. Nothing will change that I'd give anything to see her in person. Hope isn't gone yet but that doesn't make it hurt less. I wish I could tell her I'm sorry for her being left in the system so long. There's a lot of things I want to tell her but how can I if I died? What would happen to her if I died? Would she be lost in the system forever? I have to fight through the pain to be able to tell her everything. More than anything else though I just want to tell her I love her and that she was always thought about and missed.

Even when things look their darkest there will always be something to bring you back. Sometimes you may not want to be but once you are you're grateful you were. As hard as life is and as ready as we are to throw in the towel, it's important to remember just what all we could be throwing away.

-Kaotic