This last year or two has been really trying and I haven't really been here much, for that and anyone that might have been reading my story... I truly am sorry. I know most, if not all of us, have their own personal demons that they constantly have to deal with, I know that I'm not special in that regard. For a long time I had thought that I had finally gotten them beaten into submission, while not truly gone they for the most part were pretty quiet for a few years after I started my transition. I had gotten a bit too care free I guess. As the battles with my ex and getting custody of my daughters drug on over the last couple of years, I had been burning my candle at both ends for so long everything eventually got overwhelming...

That being said, this is not a post that I'm looking for sympathy so please don't think that. It's more of a I'm sorry I got distracted kind of post. Mostly for the readers of Alternative, who I feel that I've let down. As I was writing the last few chapters I had gotten the feeling that things weren't quite right with me, and since I had quit paying attention to them, those things that I had fought for so long had snuck back up on me. The feelings of self loathing, the feeling like I wasn't good enough had gotten a foothold once again in my psyche before I had realized it. Being the stubborn ass that I am, plus extremely foolish I know... I thought I could go at it alone and just worked harder to 'prove' to myself how wrong those thoughts were...

Even though I was already extremely exhausted, physically, emotionally, and mentally, I thought by pushing through it I'd be okay... I spiraled downwards pretty badly for most of 2019, before some friends recognized what I was doing to myself... I had quit writing, anything, mostly I quit writing because no sooner than I'd write a new chapter I'd go back over it and suddenly it had become garbage in my head... So I'd scrap it and start over on it... I think I wrote the same chapter at least thirty times before I even quit trying. I had quit spending times with friends, and I had even started withdrawing from my daughters... They are 19 and 20 and are 99.5% self sufficient, but I wasn't being the best version of myself that I wanted to be for them... I had retreated from my life and had buried myself in my kindle unlimited account, just to hide from the self destructive thoughts.

Anyway... I had come to that realization late last year... It's been a hard struggle to get my big stubborn behind to stop spiraling down, and while I'm not back to where I was... I'm doing better... At least I feel that I am. I am starting to finally be able to stop giving those voices trying to tear me down anymore attention. I started writing again, although its been a bit touch and go... I've quit deleting things that I wrote simply to give me a bit more time to rationally decide if its junk or not...

To anyone still waiting for the next Better than the Alternative, I'm sorry... You'll still have to wait a bit longer, I just can't get into Jordan's headspace as of yet... The story means too much to me to half ass it, but I will get back to it when I'm able to... I do promise you that.

As where I'm trying to be? I still haven't realized my destination completely, but I still idealize the best version of myself as possible. That's my heading at least, I'll know the destination when I finally get there. To all the authors and people that comment... You all are amazing, and do not realized exactly just how important you're words are. I do thank you all for being here.

Last but not least I thought I'd share this... I don't advocate for or against them, but I had this realization and I wanted to reminder so I wouldn't forget when things got rough...

Much love to you all. I hope that you all are as safe as possible and are taking care of yourself during these trying times.
Becca Cross.