Author:
There’s a very interesting site called Quora (quora dot com), billed as “A place to share knowledge and better understand the world”.*
Questions are asked by anyone and answered by anyone, but “best’ answers are upvoted to the top. You’re liable to find internationally known scientists, authors, and politicians responding—a lot of teachers, too—as well as regular folks. Have a question about the Battle of Yorktown? It might be answered by an American History professor at Yale . Have a question about guns? The top answer might come from a Marine gunnery instructor, or a police officer, and so on.
But some of the answers take unusual spins; as with the one below, which may comfort some and infuriate others, but it may be of interest to BCTS authors and readers.
The general question, open to anyone to answer, was “Which novel changed your life?”
This response is interesting in terms of self-perception of gender.
A young woman named Emily Goldblatt told the following: (what follows is her posting, verbatim)
"There’s book that made me realize a lot about myself.
I realized that I never wanted to be a boy!
*Please don’t stop reading this answer if you read the title of the book.*
The book that changed my life and my attitude towards myself was A Game of Thrones by George R R Martin.
So, this needs some backstory:
I’ve always been a “tomboy”. I refused wearing dresses and skirts and stuff since I can think. I just found them useless. I liked playing football and fighting with stickswords and so on.
In primary school I barely hung out with girls. My two best friends were boys (one of which still is my best friend to this day). I didn’t collect Diddle stuff, didn’t wear pink and didn’t like horses.
In 5th grade I was constantly asked whether “I wanted to be a boy”? Some people even mistook me for one. They asked these questions all the time. They’d asked them before, but it became more and more the older I got. It gave me the feeling that I couldn’t be a girl because of the way I was - that girls didn’t play football or did skateboarding. It made me think that I couldn’t be a girl, that there was something wrong with me.
However, it kind of changed in 7th grade. I started wearing short shorts (the kind girls wear), I grew breasts (and not the small kind) I started looking more “feminine” (can’t find a better word, even though I don’t like this one).
I later became feeling embarrassed when thinking about my i-want-to-be-a-boy phase (which was pretty much my whole childhood) I was mad at myself that I had been so “weird” and “stupid”, for “wanting to be a boy”.
Then this summer (2016) I read the first book of G R R Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire series. Now, you probably all know Arya Stark of Winterfell.
(Note: You can Google Images of Arya if you're not familiar with her)
From the very first chapter on I could relate to this character 100%. I knew exactly how she felt, because I had felt the same for a very long time. But I wondered why Arya did not even one time think that she’d like to be a boy.
And then it occurred to me.
No one asked her. It was out of question - she didn’t even think about it.
And that’s when I realized that I actually never wanted to be a boy.
This book gave me back my self esteem. I didn’t feel embarrassed about “my past” (this sounds wayy too dramatic) anymore at all. And I’m damn thankful for that.
I love myself, and I hope you love yourself too!
With Best Wishes, Emily:)
Addendum: The funny thing is that people keep commenting how similar I am to the character of Arya personality-wise. A friend of mine once said “If you lived in medieval times, you’d be such an Arya” and even my mum whom I urged to watch game of thrones said after a few episodes “You somehow remind of that Ayda or Arva or whatever her name is”.
(End verbatim)
*A note about Quora: In addition to amazing questions and answers, there are the inevitable political trolls and, well, just plain garden-variety idiots. But the good parts are worth it!
Comments
The problem with this......
Is that unfortunately there are those who will use this kind of thing as proof that children or teens are not capable of deciding their true gender.
Yes, I believe that all children should be able to enjoy whatever activities they desire, whether that activity is tagged as masculine or feminine by our ridiculously limited binary society. Unfortunately, this is not the case quite often, as children are forced into stereotypes from an early age by those around them - girls with dolls, and boys with cars and trucks, etc.
I know of which I speak as throughout my childhood years I loved to play and do things with my sister and my two cousins, who were of course girls. Once I reached the age of about six, my parents - primarily my father - took exception to this and forced me into more masculine pursuits, and kept me from my cousins. In my case, I knew that I was not like the boys I was forced to play with, but just how I was different I didn't comprehend for several more years.
However, now that at least parts of our society begin to understand the infinite variations of gender, we are beginning to hopefully stop forcing our children into stereotypes.
My only hope here is that the less educated, more repressive parts of our society don't find a means to use something like this as ammunition against those who would allow children to express their gender and their play freely. Doing so by using this as an example where a simple tomboy was being forced to acknowledge she was transgender when in fact she was not. I personally don't see as her being forced anywhere, but rather being allowed to question who she really was and come to her own conclusions.
D
D. Eden
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus
"Just a phase"
Very, very valid points.
I despair for children whose parents (or other adults) can be dismissive and non-supportive if their child doesn't fit the parental perception. "No, honey; girls don't play with chemistry sets. Wouldn't you rather have this pretty doll?" is an obvious example.
My point is that if a (gender conformative) boy were to declare "I'm a boy, and I want to grow up to be a big strong man!' not a single parent or adult would dismiss it by saying, "It's just a phase; he's too young to really know".
But as a further response to the "just a phase" dismissal, I think of hardwired, physical situations that are clinically provable, as with a child under five years of age being diagnosed with diabetes. Or needing glasses. Or left-handed. I believe that internal identity, while psychological, is as provable and as persistent as these physical symptoms.
If a girl tests positive for diabetes, do the parents shrug and say, "She's just being influenced by the society around her. We'll eliminate candy and she'll be fine"?
Or if a boy is diagnosed as near-sighted, would they declare, "He'll grow out of it"?
If the parent keeps putting the crayon in the right hand and the child keeps switching it the left to draw, do they declare, "Children at that age are too young to know"?
Karin
This is why
Gender roles are useless and worthless. There are a billion different types of girls, you alone are proof of that, as am I. We don't come packaged all liking princesses and pink and stuff. But there is nothing wrong with girls who do like those, we just need to stop adminishing girls who don't.
Like femininity is awesome and I love it, but I would happily welcome you as a fellow girl because you are a girl/woman. We both are, I tried being a tomboy for a while and it didn't work for me. I'm glad however that you found your way.
Also don't feel ostracized if you aren't trans, there's nothing wrong with being not trans. You are fully welcome here, even if you are cis.
Anyway I just am saying that I understand. There's nothing wrong with not being a boy, just like there's nothing wrong with not being a girl.
FYI I felt myself connected with Arya too because no matter what she did she knew she was a girl. When everyone thought I was a boy, I knew otherwise just like when Arya was mistaken for a boy a few times she knew she was a girl. And I absolutely loved that in the show <3
I know who I am, I am me, and I like me ^^
Transgender, Gamer, Little, Princess, Therian and proud :D
Commenting on my own post!
I'm very aware that there are people who would seize on this as "proof" that children's gender is malleable, or that "they will straighten themselves out" or variations of it -- but always based on one premise: That the genitals between the legs at birth are the only determinant of gender.
False, false, so false, as we know ...
But I wondered, in this girl's experience, how much was her understanding of gender was formed by some supposed gender of external objects -- that a football or a skirt determined internal gender. This girl, when she was young, seemed perfectly content to not wear skirts or play with girls but didn't seem to have considered herself a boy, or desired to be one.
It was when she was questioned in school that she seems to have succumbed to peer pressure, to begin thinking she was supposed to want to be a boy. "Well, everybody says I must want to be a boy, so I guess I must want to be a boy." This is very, very different from her internal sense of self.
An analogy might be someone who senses that racism is wrong, but lives in a family and town of rednecks. "Well, I think everybody is the same, but these people think these other people are lazy and stupid, so I guess I should think that way." No baby is born racist; their attitude, their perception of others and their place in society, is formed by external pressure from the people around them.
Disclaimer: I have not watched or read Game of Thrones but I ask that nobody chastise or encourage me to do so, please?
However, I did look up Arya Stark, and the point is that she had no wish to be a Lady -- not that she didn't wish to be a female, or that she wanted to be a boy. She didn't want to deal with the restrictions and responsibilities of a Lady of the Court (any court, whether it was the court of Winterfell or Camelot or Henry VIII). She knows she is female -- regardless of short hair, male garments, or fighting skill -- and that is the fundamental difference between Arya and Emily, our letter-writer.
Ultimately, had Emily been brought to a gender specialist at different points in her life, she would be told (when young) "You know you're a girl, but you're a tomboy; so put a band-aid on your skinned knee and go have fun" and (when older) "You know you're a girl; you're still a tomboy but the kids around you are having trouble dealing with it because they want to put you in a binary category. Just ignore 'em and go have fun."
At no point would a creditable gender specialist diagnose Emily as transgender.
I completely agree.......
With your thoughts and analysis.......
My expressed concern was, as you also mentioned, that this type of situation can easily (and probably will be) twisted to show how no child can determine that their physical gender does not match their perceived gender. That these are simply "phases" that a child goes through, and can be corrected with "proper parenting" - no matter how untrue that may be. My father felt that his "proper parenting" would provide the needed incentive to correct my behavior, when all the whippings and beatings simply served to make me hate my parents and caused me years of mental anguish and torture.
We all know that there is an element in our society who will seize on any "proof" they can find, and distort it to fit their purposes - no matter what the actual truth may be. As legitimate as this girl's case may be, as innocent as her statements may be, the simple truth in our world is that if this is the most popular statement it will come to the attention of those repressive elements who will use it as "scientific proof" that gender dysphoria is a myth and can be programmed out of children. Most of us know what that programming consists of - that type of programming was codified in the Geneva Convention as a war crime. Article III of the Geneva Convention as written in 1977, although not ratified by the United States, is generally taken to apply to all four of the original conventions. It states that it is a war crime to torture or use cruel, humiliating, and degrading treatment on prisoners, non-combatants, and civilians. Famously, in 2004 The US Supreme Court upheld in Hamden vs. Rumsfeld that Congress authorized the relaxation of these protocols after 9/11/2001 with regard to non-combatants within the United Stated involved in terrorist activities. Unfortunately, the original Geneva Conventions only apply in war time; the articles which the US did not ratify pertain to internal conflicts - the major reason why they were never ratified.
Let's hope that gender dysphoria does not become a "terrorist activity" under the Trump administration, thus legitimizing the "programming" activities.
As you accurately stated, the inclusion of a gender specialist would have resolved any doubts the child might have had due to outside pressures at any point along the way - thus emphasizing the need for the involvement of a proper qualified medical professional.
D
D. Eden
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus
minor detail
It would be helpful if you had put quote marks or done something to indicate what is her post and what is your blog.
"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.”
George Carlin
Good point!
Excellent suggestion!
That sound you hear is me slapping my face for not making it clearer.
I have edited the posting, declaring the verbatim section and delineating it with horizontal rules. By the way, the use of both italics and bold-face in her posting where her emphases; I reproduced it as close to the original as possible.
That ought do it!
Karin