I can feel the pull,
I can feel the strain,
Fighting it causes me so much pain,
I look into the mirror and see a stranger,
He mocks me and destroys me,
It would be easier if I could end it all,
But he doesn't let me,
I can't live and I can't die,
I'm slowly drowning in a body not mine,
I can feel the chains pulling me,
Deeper and deeper,
I want to live and breath,
I want to live and laugh,
I want to live and love,
I want to be free from my mind and cage,
But the chains bind me,
They pull me,
Deeper and deeper,
Deeper and deeper,
Emotions
They make us human,
There are so many emotions,
Happiness, joy, excitement,
They can pull us up,
But, for me they only seem to drag me down,
I feel no joy,
I feel no happiness,
I feel no excitement,
I feel pain,
I feel sorrow,
I feel empty,
I feel hollow,
I feel guilty for the emotions I do feel,
I feel as though I have no right to feel down,
If I appeared on the outside as I do on the inside,
This poem would be a mirror image,
I would feel happiness,
I would feel joy,
I would feel excitement,
But, for me to wake up in the right body,
Would require a miracle,
It is easiest to train myself,
To feel no emotion,
Because emotion is the root of my pain,
If I can eradicate emotion,
I can eradicate pain,
I can eradicate me,
I can die, but leave a living body,
If only I could leave behind,
Emotions,
Mirrors Chapter 1
My twin sister and I were born on December 22nd 1999, the winter solstice for that year.
Even though me and Lindsey were not identical twins, we were still confused with each other almost daily growing up. As Lindsey was born twenty minutes before me, she was the older sister. As I wanted to be just like her, I kept my hair long like her and tried to dress like her. Our parents were very conservative and by the time I eight pushed me into getting regular crew cuts and playing sports. I realized that I wanted to be a girl like Lindsey, I wanted to be a cheerleader in a skirt, and wear pretty dresses made of soft fabrics that were forbidden to me because of my family’s beliefs. The night before our tenth birthday I managed the courage to tell my sister. I snuck out of my bed and crept stealthily to her room. As she looked at me with bleary eyes, she could tell I had a serious topic on my mind.
“Sis,” I started timidly whispering “I have something important to tell you.”
“What is it Ethan im tired,” she replied sleepily.
“You have to promise me you won’t tell mom and dad and that you won’t laugh at me!”
“I promise Ethan. I love you, if it’t important you it’s important to me. I won’t tell anyone.” Lindsey replied seriously, now wide awake and sitting up in bed. Lindsey and I had always been close and cared about one another.
“ L L Lindsey,” I stuttered out “I want... I want to be a girl!” she leaned over and hugged me tight as I started softly crying.
“I never knew Ethan. It must be torture seeing me live the life you should be living as well,” she said starting to sniffle herself. We stayed huddle together on her bed for until we both calmed down. “I know something that might help,” Lindsey said cheerfully as she grabbed a hand held mirror from her night stand. “Look into the mirror. Now close your eyes and imagine who you really are, and whenever you feel down just imagine seeing the real you in the mirror.” I closed my eyes and imagined what I would look like. A single tear rolled down my cheek. I pictured myself with long brunette hair, that floated down to mid-back filled with soft natural curls, and large blue eyes. I felt a dull ache all over my body and heard Lindsey gasp. I opened my eyes and looked at her surprised face.
“ What happened. Whats wrong!” I asked her worried, noticing my voice sounded a little different. Softer and higher somehow
“Look at yourself” she said astonished as she placed the mirror back in my hand after I dropped it when I heard her gasp. I looked into the mirror and almost squealed in delight. I looked exactly as I pictured I would if I had been born in the right body. I started crying tears of joy and hugged my twin sister.
“I’m me!” I cried, “I’m finally me!”
“I don’t know how this is possible, but I’m so happy for you Ethan.”
“I need a new name,” I said deep in thought, “Emily!, that shall be my new name! Hi, my name is Emily.”
“What about mom and dad!” Lindsey asked frantically, “what are we going to tell them.” I froze in terror. If mom and dad found out about this, they would run me out of the house and call me a demon.
“What am I going to do!” I sobbed, “Mom and dad will kick me out. I’m only nine, what will I do!”
“Shhhh,” Lindsey soothed me, “We’ll figure this out together like we always have.” Suddenly there was a bright flash of golden light that momentarily blinded us.
“Hello Emily, and Lindsey” said a tall women in robes. Her Golden hair seemed to float around her as if blown by a gentle breeze.
“W who are you?” Lindsey asked nervously clutching me closer to her.
“Worry not children, I am an angel sent to deliver a message from above.” During her explanation of why she was here, Lindsey and I crawled and sat on the edge of the bed as our trust increased. “You two are very special” the angel continued, “You both were born on the winter solstice, and have been chosen to be the bearers of great gifts, but there are rules, you can not use your gifts to harm others without reason.” Lindsey and I look at each other, our jaws slack, and then looked back at the angel as she continued talking. “With training you should be able to change your appearance, became twenty times as strong as the strongest humans, see without light, move objects with just a thought, run at unimaginable speeds, and levitate. It will take years to master your abilities, but they have been given to you to aide you in your lives. I must be going now, but fear not for if you have need of me again I will appear.” With that the angel departed in an equally blinding flash of light.
“ I can’t let mom and dad see me like this,” I told Lindsey franticly, “What am I going to do?”
“Let’s try what we did earlier, just in reverse this time. Focus on what your boy self , Ethan, looks like.” As I pictured Ethan in my mind in great detail, I could feel the changes happening in reverse. When I opened my eyes I saw Ethan in the small hand mirror. I began to cry, because I was a boy again.
“It will be okay, I’ll still call you Emily when no ones listening,” she soothed me, “Every night when mom and dad are asleep you can be yourself in my room.”
“Ok, but it will still be hard being male.”
“Wait here.” Lindsey then got up and went to her dresser and started to look through a drawer. She came back and handed me a pair of tan satin panties. “You can wear these under your clothes to make you feel girly, and then you can trade me for a clean pair everyday!”
“Thank you so much, your the best sister in the world,” I replied hugging her.
“I know, but it helps to be reminded.”
“I better go back to my room sis,” I sleepily said, while I trudged to the door, “Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.”
As I got back to my room and closed the door, I slid my pajama pants down my legs and put on the panties. I put my pajama pants back on and snuggled under the covers of my bed, marveling at how right and pleasant the panties felt. I drifted off the sleep pondering what the rest of my life would hold.
Author's Note: Hi, I'm Unknown_Person and this is my first story. It may be small, but its a start.
This came to me while tossing and turning in my bed at midnight, I hope you enjoy.
The Ideal Image
“Hey,” I said to my friend Josh. “Do we have academic team practice today?”
For most people spending extra time after school to take tests and answer random questions may seem like torture, to me and my friends it was what drove us to be better.
“Yeah, starts at four” Josh replied enthusiastically.I had known Josh since sixth grade, with our mutual love for knowledge and the academic team, we became fast friends. As I looked down at my watch I wondered if I would ever be strong enough to tell the team my deepest desire. When I was ten I started to notice girls where different, and not just in the obvious ways. They wore softer clothes that made me envious to no end. It was OK for girls to cry or show whatever emotion they where feeling. I came to, what was at the time a startling realization, that I wanted to be like them, to be a girl.
For some one who lived where I did this was not an acceptable wish. If the people of my community knew about this, I would be lucky to be able to walk. I lived in one of the most conservative Christian places in America. I was smart enough to keep my secret hidden. The feeling of being in the wrong body started to take it’s toll on me. I would spend nights softly crying myself to sleep praying to become a girl overnight. I resorted to liberating clothes from my mother that i thought should would not notice where missing. I somehow managed to survive with no one the wiser.
The time was 3:45 as I looked back up to Josh. When we first met, he was a little on the short side standing at about four six opposed to my four eight. As the years went by he grew into his looks. Josh had dark brown hair that was just longer than a crew cut, with hazel eyes that you would swear could look into your soul. His face was without a blemish and his skin tan. He was just barely shorter than me now, during out junior year of high school, an average five ten. He weighed at most one-hundred and forty pounds soaking wet. I inherited my fathers looks. I am five eleven with sandy blonde hair that I kept swept to the side, and dull brown eyes. I weighed two-hundred and fifty-two pounds which firmly put me into the morbidly obese category for my height. Josh kept straight A’s, while I had a mix of A’s and B’s. He could score thirty points alone in a single match of quick recall, which was a two team match with each team having four players, where you answered rapid fire questions. While I could only score ten. He envisioned everything I could become if I was not secretly transgender.
As I walked into Mr. Jackson’s (our academic team coach) room I looked around at the people I had called teammates for five years. There was Lisa who stood at five one had blood red hair, and suspected I was depressed. Also there was Brent and Emily who where dating and both shared blonde hair and where extremely photogenic. Finally there was Steve our designated math person who had black hair and stood at five eleven. Our rag tag bunch was tight knit and fairly open with each other, except for the secret I had kept from everyone including my family. Our team even ate a thanksgiving dinner together every year. I felt a pang of guilt as we started practice, that I had not told them, but fear kept me in hiding.The team had been getting progressively better at answering question consistently and quickly.
“Hey, stay and help put up the buzzers,” Mr. Jackson exclaimed at the end of practice. We all started to unhook the buzzer system and put it back into its box. I felt conflicted on whether I should tell them or not, it would be a big weight off my chest to have someone else know, but I decided i could not take the risk.
“Do we have practice tomorrow?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Mr. Jackson replied “At the same time as today.”
As I trudged to my moms mini-van I felt more alone than ever, I had a chance to tell my closest friends, but I too afraid to do it. my mom noticed my mood.
“What’s wrong Jacob?” she asked me with a concerned expression.
“Nothing mom,” I replied faking a smile. It was convincing enough for her I hadn’t genuinely smiled in years. I stared out the car windows lost in thought and drifted off to sleep.
“Wake up, we’re home!” my mom said waking me from my sleep. As usual I went straight to my room to play games on my computer, anything to distract me from my miserable life. I booted up a random game where no one knew who I was or cared, sorta like my current social status. After defeating a few hordes of enemies and playing a few hours it was time for dinner, or I guess what passed for dinner in out house. A re-heated meal of left-over mac and cheese and mashed potatoes from the night before. I devoured all that was left. I had, a few years ago, started to eat whenever I was upset or sad, which lead to rapid weight gain and a multitude of health problems. I retreated back to my room which had became my refuge where I could let my fake smile drop and could cry without being told “you have no right to be sad” by my family.
I fell Asleep that night on my futon/bed as I usually do, crying my self to sleep.
My alarm clock woke me up at a early 6:15 AM. I gathered up a clean outfit consisting of a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants, to hide as much of my unsightly body as I could and went to take a shower. As the hot water hit me washing away the remnants of the night before’s ever present nightmares, I leaned my head against the wall. I washed my shaggy hair with the usual axe shampoo my parents bought and the old spice body wash, wishing that instead of the scent being “Phoenix” and “Swagger” they were “lavender” and “coconut butter”. The ride to school was as boring was ever with my wandering my thoughts trying to block out as much of reality as I could.
My first class of the day was history, which in which I paid just enough attention to understand the content, who cares who gave what speech when and where. After almost an hour of a droning lecture in history, I moved on to my English class, probably the class I needed the most work in. I never could understand all the nuances of the English language. My third class of the day was my algebra class, today we had the weeks homework assignment due as it was Friday. After third period, I had lunch, today was a chicken nugget day. As I sat and dunked my measly four nuggets into ketchup, Josh sat down.
“ Hey Jacob!” he greeted me, “I’ve been working all week after school on this machine I invented” he explained. Josh loved to tinker and invent new things, even if they mostly didn’t work. “I can’t wait to show the team today at the end of practice.”
“What does it do?” I asked somewhat intrigued.
“You will have to wait and see, you won’t believe it,” he replied
“Does it actually work this time?”
“I’ve tested it man, this one works,” now I was curious. It was rare when one of his machines worked. I spent the rest of my classes pondering what this machine he had made would do. Multiple times teachers commented on my absent mindedness and I made excuses saying I had a headache.
As academic team practice ended and Mr. Jackson left, me, Josh, Lisa, Brent, Steve, and Emily where still there. Josh placed his backpack onto one of the tables and pulled out a small rectangular metal box with a clear dome on top that had several switches.
“Under the dome is a small meteorite, that landed just outside of town” Josh explained
“What does it do?” Lisa asked
“Just wait I’ll get to that, this meteorite I’ve discovered has some supernatural properties. It reads your mind and augmented with this machine can alter your body to what you perceive is the ideal image of you.”
“I don’t know” Brent replied rather skeptically.
“I’ll show you, for instance say you have always thought of yourself as being stronger, the machine would make you look and feel more muscular!” As Josh explained this I crawled under a cabinet in the corner and pulled a table against it so I could not be seen. If this machine really worked and they saw me I would have a lot of explaining to do.
I heard the machine clicking and felt a small intrusion into my mind, like someone was looking through my thoughts. Then I felt the physical changes. My bones started shortening until I was five three and the my hiding spot became more comfortable. I felt the majority of my body fat melt away until I weighed around one fifteen. My shoulders compressed with an audible crack to become slender and feminine, while my hips expanded. Body far redistributed to my thighs, butt, and chest, I felt my stomach become flat and toned. My nipples enlarged and became more sensitive as large B cup breasts sprouted on my chest. My mens size 13 shoes fell of my small and slender feet. I softly moaned in my new feminine voice as my testicles and penis became ovaries and a vagina. I felt my skin become soft and hairless as my nose became small and upturned, my eyes became rounder and larger as my face became more oval shaped. I felt my now raven black hair fall down to the middle of my back.
“It worked!” I heard a surprised Brent yell. As my other team-mates took stock of the changes in each other, Josh noted my absence.
“Hey, wheres Jacob?” Josh asked worriedly.
“Look over there!” Lisa exclaimed pointing at the table I had pulled over to the cabinet to hide myself. “Jacob I know your under there please come out, we won’t judge you,” she said in a comforting tone.
“Help me move the table Josh,” Brent said.
I felt the table start to move and grabbed on to try to hold it still, but with my reduced size and strength they were able to to easily pull me along with the table away from the cabinet. I looked up to see my friends mouth agape as they looked down at me.
“Is that you Jacob?” Lisa asked in disbelief.
“Yes it’s me” I replied in a timid whisper. I broke down and began to sob uncontrollably because they had found out. I felt Lisa sit down beside me and hug me until I was calm enough to tell them how i realized i was transgender when I was ten. “You all probably think im a freak.” I sniffled.
“Never!” they all exclaimed in unison. Lisa and Emily together had enough spare clothes that they could put me a simple outfit together, and I never looked back on my life as a boy.