Alonely…Part one?
It’s my own little made up word for this, for the way that I feel so much of the time. I can be around people and I’m still alone.
And it hurts.
And it’s lonely.
So…Alonely.
Alonely sucks.
I mean there’s stuff that people always tell me that is just…
Get out there, go places if you don’t go places how are you going to meet anyone?
I work, I work a job cleaning and that’s at night so really who am I going to meet stuck on the backshift?
Yeah I have days off but one of those is half dead by sleeping and another is pretty much all the stuff that I don’t get done during the week.
And people saying. “Oh you’re single you don’t have that much to do…”
I really wish that they’d just choke on that.
Moms and parents sure with kids comes a lot of crap but just some one in a relationship? Effing please…you have each other. That means a whole lot.
I was (Yay) living at home since I can’t afford a house and a mortgage being someone who doesn’t have the education to get into a job that pays so much that I could think about buying a home.
Then one accident with me getting rear ended by this guy and my car’s pooched and why I got some money for soft injuries and they did replace my car since it was leased it still put me in that place where the cost of things while going without had me ending up living at home….
With my parents.
And you know what?
It honestly feels like I doomed and messed up and just a completely fucked up human being in general. A waste of air and a waste of space.
Why?
Gay?
Nope.
Lesbian?
Nope.
Bisexual?
Nope.
Transgendered?
Nope.
Intersexed?
Nope.
CAIS?PAIS?
Nope.
Why because for as long as I can remember and in almost totally hidden self confusion I have had absolutely no reaction to members of any sex…or gender presentation/identity…none.
Oh I get it all, I can get how these people react and are around each other and every time I meet someone in real life it’s this utter disconnect with myself.
I get nothing.
I get kissed and it’s just weird. I mean it’s not I like being held, I like kisses on the cheek and affection but when someone plants a kiss on my lips it’s just weird.
Asexual they call it and I didn’t choose this, I didn’t.
Who would?
And when you can’t be with someone when intimate contact is ick…on this just weird level it crushes a relationship in a hurry.
Asexual is Alonely.
The worst thing is I’m not sexually neutral…I’m physically male and everything works as far as anyone could tell except for my T levels are low but not too low as to have me get feminized or something. Yes I’ve tried hormones and stuff to feel more of either.
I when on T first since it matches me physically.
And it sort of worked too…I could get an erection and I sort of felt like a guy…I think but that can with weight gain and acne and then these really bad headaches and the worst rages with my temper I would feel actually sick with it.
A year after sort of getting back to normal and out of the nuthouse for a suicide attempt…yeah.
When you go through so much of this constantly being angry and still constantly not having a working relationship it… the feelings of just failing and being a waste just piled up.
It was sleeping pulls and a fifth of Southern Comfort.
Being on the estrogen was no better and it made me upset and crying all the time and not just like being over emotional but emotional enough that…
That the Alonely nearly drowned me in hormone induced depression…it was according to the docs me coming really close to like the whole post partum thing.
So I became a hermit.
Living in my parents house and not really venturing out unless I really needed to and not really eating and barely sleeping that much.
It became my norm.
But this…this happened and really freaked me out.
Mom and dad took off. They’ve thrown in the towel as much as they can and they went of a ship’s cruise. I have the house to myself and Pinky and Brain our two white cats when I seen someone moving in next door.
They are with their parent too.
And they’re older, like me not a teenager living at home.
In a hoody, dark charcoal grey hoody and sweats and they’re really loose and baggy but tied on securely and they’re avoiding the movers and the looks of some of the nosey neighbors like me and I they shuffle inside hands in their pockets with that sort of emotionally zombified way that I can get.
Trey? I hear the mom over there call them Trey a lot.
I’m Alonely, asexual and very white…my first reaction to hearing that was they’re not black?
No I don’t actually know any black people of African Americans if you want to be like political and stuff.
I’ve met black folks, I went to school with some and others and at the same time I still don’t really know any.
That would really require me getting out some.
I’m embarrassed by my whiteness a little.
I move to the side window of the house and look out the kitchen window and watch there’s not much to see really for awhile just movers and boxes and then dad and the mom both early middle aged around forty or so and then I was watching the movers again and when I looked up to see into their kitchen window again they’re there.
Trey…or who I think Trey is and they’re still wearing that hoody and I look at them and they’re staring at me and I can’t really make out much of the face except for these bluish grey eyes that almost shine their way over to me.
Sad eyes, wondering eyes and pretty eyes even.
I swallow and raise my hand in a wave.
They wave back and I get a look of their hand.
It’s strange looking odd and waxy?
And it’s missing the ring and baby finger on that hand.
I see them see me looking.
They pull their hand down and turn away and they leave.
The eyes went sadder and scared and hurt.
Something in my chest rolled over and went ow inside.
I don’t like fighting or arguing or hurting people, it’s like the way that I am sometimes I don’t get the whole gender and sexual relationships but other stuff I seem to get loud and clear.
I just saw Alonely.
I move away from the window and I go and try to make myself busy. I go online, I surf the net, watch You Tube and screw around on Facebook long enough to kill a few hours or so.
Exhausted by the time it hits midnight I go offline and I try and sleep.
Two hours that’s it and I get up and go to make some coffee. If I can’t sleep then I might as well be awake right?
I’m getting the perk going when I see Trey outside in their backyard. We share a small hedge as a sort of fence it’s just a line of foot high cedar shrubbery and not really a fence so I can see them out there and they’re sitting in a lawn chair and looking up at the stars.
We’re outback so the streetlights don’t give off enough light pollution to drown out the stars.
I’ve never really done that, just go outside and look at the stars.
I go outside and walk over in my bare feet to close to where they’re at.
“Trey right?”
They sort of turn their head and hug themselves and tuck arms under sleeves and feet under legs. Their eyes are still shine out at you blue. There’s this soft. “Yes…”
“I’m Blayne…I’m sorry for staring.”
They look at me. “Everyone stares it’s alright.”
“No it’s not it was rude really.”
Trey shrugs and I step over. “I’m making coffee would you like some?”
“Yes please.”
Now I’m the one getting stared at and I turn red some. I blush very easily. I’m sort of normal looking and not. I’m skinny, and baby faced from the hormones and stuff and I’m smooth everywhere else.
I’m sort of a nothing right so two years ago I got rid of my hair…Neet and stuff like it everywhere…well I have hair on my head…and yes my therapist has had a field day with me and the need to be smooth.
But honestly I don’t pass for either…or I pass for either but I’m just kind of meh either way…red brown hair and I have freckles…lot’s of freckles.
I stop and look back at them. “How, how do you like your coffee?”
“Cream and sugar please.”
I like their voice, it’s damaged I can tell that from what I think…what I think might be burns or something and instead of it sounding odd to me it has this pleasant softness…there’s some base to it but at the same time…nice.
I go and get us two coffee and go back outside and over to them.
They have to hold the coffee with both hands and they sort of gesture for me to sit. I sit and offer a shy sort of smile.
“I never take the time to watch the stars.”
“I…I try to…I try to find little things…”
“I have a hard time finding a point.” I sort of hunch self consciously and sip my coffee.
“So do I…I…I stay for my family…I think sometimes that’s why I’m still here.”
“Me too…”
I look over at Trey and we just sort of stare at each other.
Trey is burned…not just his hands but his face and I’m going to say more.
“I don’t freak you out?” He asks. The tone is actually curious, curious and tired.
“No, and I don’t know why but maybe part of me thinks I should be but I’m not. Maybe nobody people don’t freak out over stuff like this?”
“Nobody people?”
“Yes…I’m a nobody person…I…I can’t connect with people…I don’t get sex, bodies, gender stuff…not when it comes to me.”
Okay I’m getting the oddest look. I hang my head.
“I’ve never heard of that before.”
“I’m what the doctors and the therapists all call asexual…they say…some say that it’s just another way of expressing gender.”
“Sounds sad.”
“It is…Sad and what I call Alonely.”
“I like that…I’m…I’m Alonely too.”
I look at Trey sort of still curled up and hiding and at the same time with those sad blue-moon eyes.
“I could tell.”
They stare at me and there’s this little shimmer there…? Tears?
“You want to stay and watch the stars with me?”
“Okay…it’s cold though I’ll be right back.”
He nods and I get up and go and get the comforter from the living room and bring it out and I move my lawn chair next to his.
It’s really a strange feeling covering us both up. It’s inside and in my chest and it’s…it’s been awhile since I was…feeling, feeling not alone and just something other than the greys I’ve been living through.
We just sit there and look up and watch the night stars, planes and jets going off from the airport and all the way until the sun comes up.
I feel Trey’s head on my shoulder and look to see them asleep on my shoulder and the sunshine is touching their face and they are sleeping like me when I hit that wall of sheer exhaustion.
He has really bad burns on his face too and yet he looks like he’s crying a little in his sleep.
I don’t know what I’m doing really but I reach under the comforter and feel out for him and find his arm and then his hand.
Even feeling the scars doesn’t gross or freak my out.
Actually I have no idea what I’m feeling….but when I gently squeeze his hand and whisper. “It’s okay….I’m here.” The pained tenseness, that sad in his sleep seems to fade a little and right now.
Right now we’re not alone for the moment at least.
*** This is another experimental dip into a new story dealing with an asexual character so please let me know what you all think and if I should continue the story. ***
Alonely… Part two
*Before…
I feel Trey’s head on my shoulder and look to see them asleep on my shoulder and the sunshine is touching their face and they are sleeping like me when I hit that wall of sheer exhaustion.
He has really bad burns on his face too and yet he looks like he’s crying a little in his sleep.
I don’t know what I’m doing really but I reach under the comforter and feel out for him and find his arm and then his hand.
Even feeling the scars doesn’t gross or freak my out.
Actually I have no idea what I’m feeling….but when I gently squeeze his hand and whisper. “It’s okay….I’m here.” The pained tenseness, that sad in his sleep seems to fade a little and right now.
Right now we’re not alone for the moment at least.
*And now…
Trey looks at me.
“I…I don’t want to be an asshole Blayne…but…but why?”
I take a breath and think. “Honestly…because maybe you don’t scare me?”
“The way I look?”
I nod. “Looks don’t scare me Trey it’s everything else.”
“Everything else?”
“Yes, people…most people I know get way too hung up on stuff like that.”
“There’s hung up and then there’s this…I scare people Blayne.”
“You don’t scare me.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m different…likely as messed up as you are on the inside as you are like this.”
“That’s not possible they…they go deep Blayne, they run right through me now.”
“Yeah…I can tell…”
He looks away… “I don’t want to be…be an asshole but what’s wrong with you? I mean the on the inside thing.”
“I’m asexual.”
He looks at me and he’s got this questioning look there and in just kind of lean heavy into the chair and sigh.
“Sorry…” He looks down.
“No….it’s just I get that all the time.”
“What?”
“That look, that I don’t get it look or the that’s not really a thing it’s a choice or a joke or…”
He looks at me actually sliding a little closer…more intense but in that between two people way and not something sexual… “Hard to live with?”
I nod.
Actually I stare at him a bit too, mostly his eyes. People’s eyes say a lot about them and it usually can show me if they’re messing with me.
I get messed with a lot.
“Blayne?”
“Yeah?”
“Tell me about it?”
“Being asexual?”
“Yeah.” Trey coughs some and I look at him.
I nod slowly to myself and think about it.
“It’s different for everyone…I mean it’s like I guess like straight or gay or stuff…it’s not one thing…but for me?”
Trey nods.
“For me it’s always been off…I don’t line up with other people. Never have…I mean there’s been people I like, there’s been people that I’ve ended up really, really liking but then it comes to that sex stuff and…and nothing…my brain misses all the cues and I don’t get the urges that I should…and I’ve tried…tried guys, tried girls and it’s all the same…”
“So…have you?”
“Yeah…when I was a teenager…desperate to be like everyone else…it was just…awkward and beyond.”
“Sex is supposed to be awkward.”
“Not all the time, not every time…” (Sniffle.) Great now I’m crying.
“You okay?” He’s shy about it but he reaches up and rubs my back some.
“No…” I’m sniffling and stuff and right on the edge of breaking because… “It hurts…I’ve tried and tried but going past things gets just…I want the regular stuff…I want a relationship and a life and to have someone…I effing do but…but I just can’t go there…sex makes me feel…”
“Uncomfortable…almost violated?”
I sob… “Yes…but how can you really like someone but be with them and having it feel like you’re…it’s like I have to go there and I’m not ready to go there…I’m never ready!”
I got a bit loud and I blush some and cover my face. “Sorry.”
“For what?”
“I just…”
He leans forward in the chair and looks at me. “Blayne…it’s messed up…and I’m not going to say it’s not but…you’re perfectly okay to feel that way.”
“I am?”
“Yeah…you are, people are messy, complicated…stupid…sometimes too.”
“I…I’ve always just kept getting side eyed for this.”
Trey nods. “People are stupid.”
He smiles and despite the scars and stuff or maybe because of it it’s a nice smile.
“Breakfast?”
I blink…it is morning.
“Oh…okay….that’d be nice will your folks be okay with it?”
“Thrilled.” He rolls his eyes. “I’m anti-social to the point of they’ll likely be fawning over you.”
I nod. “I can deal with that it’s better than the my kid’s an alien thing that mine treat me with.”
We get up and we head inside his house and he’s folding the blanket as best he can with what happened to his fingers. “Bad?”
“Bad enough my dad was kind of a homophobe and now he’d be grateful if I had a boyfriend I think…I’ve heard him call me the neuter when he didn’t think I was around.”
He looks at me. “Wow…what an asshole.”
I shrug…try not to get too upset again over it. “People have a hard time with asexual people…we don’t compute as much as trans people do.”
Trey gives me a nod and another smile like he’s trying to reassure me… “How about I just don’t try to compute you at all?”
I sigh… “Thank you…so…much…”
Alonely...Part three
*Before…
“Breakfast?”
I blink…it is morning.
“Oh…okay….that’d be nice will your folks be okay with it?”
“Thrilled.” He rolls his eyes. “I’m anti-social to the point of they’ll likely be fawning over you.”
I nod. “I can deal with that it’s better than the my kid’s an alien thing that mine treat me with.”
We get up and we head inside his house and he’s folding the blanket as best he can with what happened to his fingers. “Bad?”
“Bad enough my dad was kind of a homophobe and now he’d be grateful if I had a boyfriend I think…I’ve heard him call me the neuter when he didn’t think I was around.”
He looks at me. “Wow…what an asshole.”
I shrug…try not to get too upset again over it. “People have a hard time with asexual people…we don’t compute as much as trans people do.”
Trey gives me a nod and another smile like he’s trying to reassure me… “How about I just don’t try to compute you at all?”
I sigh… “Thank you…so…much…”
*And Now…
Trey’s house is pretty normal aside from all of the safety things that they have here for him like the safety railings and things. And I get that because he doesn’t move like he’s well he just isn’t able to move the way that he used to be.
I’m getting looks from his mom who seems surprised to see anyone with him.
“Trey who’s this?”
“This is Blayne they live next door.”
“Nice to meet you Blayne can I get you anything?”
Trey says. “Breakfast?”
She smiles genuinely at that. “You’re hungry?”
He nods. “Been up talking so like between that and the fresh air.”
“Just don’t get sick honey.”
He makes a rough sort of sigh sound.
And she passes him a literal handful of pills and a glass of orange juice. “Here take your meds.”
She holds them for him because he can’t do the handful of them and he’s picking the up slowly too though I can tell he’s trying.
I’m not an expert of anything medical but it really kind of looks like damaged nerves of something and considering the way that Trey looks and all that scarring he’s likely doing good as can be.
I want to know these things because it’s important stuff when you’re as lonely as I am and you’re making a friend.
And really in a scary and exciting way he gets me and I’m out as it were.
And that’s another thing.
It is out.
People don’t get how asexual folks can’t just have that connection as much as they get being any other sexuality other than hetero.
Well really I get flak online too even from some of the LGBT folks.
Asexuality isn’t voluntary it’s not abstinence, it’s not het either…guy, girl any gender in between it’s a nope.
And I’m not a neuter either, asexuality isn’t being agender either.
Though sometimes I really think if I was and went that whole androgynous look if I could pull it off then it might be easier.
Do I sound frustrated?
You bet.
I have feelings too so this is kind of why Trey’s friendship and understanding is pretty important.
Like I said before I’m alone in my own house with all of this.
His mom offers me a seat and asks. “Do you want something hot to drink?”
“That’d be great; I’m not fussy so anything just I don’t take sugar in things.”
She puts a kettle on and she makes a pot of tea and I’m not a huge tea drinker because no one in my house is but her’s was really good and it was brewed in a tea pot which was a first for me.
“I didn’t know that you heated up the tea pot with hot water?”
She smiles as she started making food. “Some do and some don’t I do because it just heats up the teapot and that just lets the tea keep hot longer. The most important thing is boiling water, not heated, not close to boiling but boiling.”
Trey does this soft laugh. “English relatives even I remember that from a few Christmas’s they really hated American tea.” he did air quotes as he said it.
Breakfast was quite a spread too.
She made French toast with homemade bread which I haven’t had before and she made toast with a different loaf that was like multigrain and dark and that was amazing. It was so dense and she cut it so thick that it stayed hot or warm at least for a while and she had homemade things to put on it.
I mean my folks are my folks and all but we’re a very I guess typical suburban household with most of what we get is boughten or pre-made even. I mean the folks can cook sort of but it’s not like this.
After I offer to help with the dishes and Trey’s mother’s good with that and it only takes a few minutes but I really do want to make a good impression.
I want his family to like me.
Once we’re done Trey offers to show me around the house and it’s pretty basic except for the handicapped features which are still a lot of the safety bar things and then finally to his room which is in the basement surprisingly.
I have to take my shoes off at the base of the stairs which are really well made and sturdy but with easy grip rails and short steps but the room itself has really thick carpet and underlay so that it feels really floaty.
“I’m surprised that you have this because of tripping.”
Trey shrugs as best as he’s able to. “I fall sometimes anyway, walking or even getting up out the furniture so Dad figured I might as well as have someplace kind of safe to fall.”
“Makes sense.”
I look around the rest of the room and it’s very much like a den, he has his own bathroom even a mini-fridge and a microwave and his bed is off in one corner of the room and it’s fairly high up so it’s more like rolling on and off of it I suppose.
TV, X-box, some other consoles and a laptop on a coffee table.
The amazing thing is the plants. He has a couple of tables with plants and little lamps and there several hanging ones all over.
“Wow that’s a lot of plants.”
“Nerve damage kind of makes playing videogames pretty hard my hand eye is garbage now so plants…well they move pretty slow my reflexes can handle that.”
I chuckle at that. “I can see your point there. I kind of always thought that people that were really into plants were pretty smart and things.”
He chuckles at that. “Not really I’m just smarter than they are.”
I look around some more and there’s some other things with varying degrees of geek and nerd and just general guy stuff and stuff really like he’s got a decent collection of books and a lot of them are hardcovers and some of them are really old science fiction and fantasy stuff.
He collects rocks too well minerals and he explains some of them when some are really cool looking and I have no idea.
And most of them come with stories too of before everything that happened and a few after.
“So rock hound, botanist any other things you do that are cool?’
“Human match, it’s my best Richard Pryor impression.”
“Huh?’
And that’s when he digs out VHS and these comedy tapes and I get to actually see Richard Pryor for the first time.
Two tapes in and I finally get the impression joke.
And while he’s really, really raw he is funny most of the time and it feels good to laugh.
It feels good to laugh with someone else too.