Set in the backdrop of Tennessee during the American Civil War, a young, underage soldier is separated from his unit after a fierce battle. While trying to locate them, he inadvertently stumbles into mortal danger on a very dark and quiet evening. With nowhere to run, Jeremy must learn to accept the changes that have been wrought upon his body... changes that may prevent him from ever returning home again!
This story has been two years in the making. I hope you find as much pleasure reading it, as I did writing, 'The Yankee Belle'.
Chapter 1
I was captured last week near the city of Beaver Falls, Tennessee. It almost seemed that the whole damned Reb army had wheeled on themselves and swarmed our unit from both sides. We gave them hell for awhile, but those Confederates were on us so fast that most of us only got off one shot. By the time the smoke had cleared, 156 of our unit had been killed and 16 of us captured. The first thing they did was to take our rifles and shoes, passing them out to their own soldiers, leaving us barefoot and unarmed.
Then, they made us march for four whole days while they rode on wagons and horseback, so by the end of the third day, most of us were limping badly from blisters and sores on our numb, frozen feet.
Yesterday, they shot our Captain, who had broken his leg during the battle and couldn't stand anymore. They just pulled the trigger on him like he was some filthy varmint digging in a trash pile... like he was nothing more than a gopher. They made us all step across his dead body, and then laughed, leaving him lying there on the road.
I knew that not all Rebs were that way, but this unit was run by a Major Fieldhouse, one of the most ruthless and feared Rebs in this territory. They never tied us up, mostly because we all knew if we tried to make a break for it, we would most likely be shot dead before we could get off the road.
To not do anything was beyond me, and I couldn't stand it! I was 16 and heading off to some Reb prison to most likely die of some disease or sickness. I knew if I had any hope it would be by escaping from them, and if they shot me for trying... at least I would still be getting away, albeit because of my death.
Our captors had us halt near a tree-lined stream, and Fieldhouse sent a few of his men to scout for any hidden traps. When they returned, the 'all clear' was given and we were ushered forward toward a little covered bridge that spanned the swiftly moving river. I glanced quickly along both banks of the river, and I noticed that trees lined each curving bank. Even before I dwelled on it too much, I ducked quickly under one of the wagons and easily slipped between the rolling wheels. My freezing feet ached from the icy snow along the road's edge. With only a hesitant glance backward I began my rapid decent down the steep bank, but with shouts, the Reb’s were quickly on my trail.
A bullet tore through my shirt as I slid down the snow-covered riverbank, and only a mere twenty feet separated me from my would-be captors! But I couldn't think about it; as soon as my blistered feet touched the icy waters I winced and slid under its rapidly moving surface. I struck out with powerful strokes, using the current to propel me down the aggressively moving river, increasing the distance from those who wanted me dead.
The swift, frigid water pulled me along, unseen branches tearing at my legs and arms as I passed. For a moment I surfaced for air, only to have a musket ball smack the water near my head... too close for comfort! I gulped a huge amount of air and submerged, again striking out away as quickly as I could from the gray-clad soldiers.
Another ball spun into the water, its path outlined by the bubbles pointing its wake. I doubled my speed and headed for the bottom where I saw that there was a huge pile of brush and twisted branches directly ahead of me. I found a slight opening and headed for it, knowing that to surface now would mean instant death. I also knew that if there wasn't an opening for me to pass through, this would undoubtedly be my grave.
I turned sideways to wiggle through the opening and pushed myself on into the darkened tangle of twigs, my lungs bursting with need. I could swim no further, the way was blocked by more branches... this would be my tomb. I did the only thing I could, heading for the surface. My only hope was to be imprisoned again, hopefully serving out the remainder of the war in some remote prison camp... if they let me live.
When I surfaced, the splashing sound echoed in my ears... an unusual sound than what I was expecting. I slowly opened my eyes, expecting to be surrounded by the Confederate soldiers with their guns drawn on me. Slowly I turned my head to look around, and saw I had surfaced inside a beaver dam! I swallowed hard and listened, their voices muffled but close. They stood nearby and discussed where I went. "He ain't surfaced yet..." one of them shouted.
From a bit further away I could hear, "Can't no one hold their breath that long! I think the Yank fool drowned!"
The one directly above shouted back laughing, "He'll surface sometime... maybe next spring!" I could hear splashing as another walked toward the fellow above me.
"Better to drown here than what we were going to do to him!" I heard him growl and spit, they were close enough that I could smell the Mint in the tobacco he chewed.
In the dim light, I was silently praying that they would soon leave. It was all I could do to keep my teeth from chattering uncontrollably. My breath was drifting up in icy plumes, so I buried my face into my shoulder in an attempt to diffuse the frosty vapor that I was expelling.
The one above me shouted out to his fellow soldiers, "Come on boys, he drowned... ain't no use in searching for him." I held my breath as their sound slowly moved away. "Serves that no account Yankee right, drowning like he did!"
Another soldier shot back, "He was only doing what we would have done in his situation. Besides, nobody deserves to die like that... sucking in water till they sink."
The first laughed and snorted, "A good Yank...is a dead Yank!"
From a distance one of them called to the men searching for me, "Come on fellas, we best be high tailing it out of here! Scouts have just come in and said there was a big battle around here just yesterday and there might be some Yanks close by. Major says to forget about the kid and don't waste time looking for a body...." His voice was getting harder and harder to hear with them walking away. I exhaled deeply; the news I had heard was like music to my ears!
I sat shivering, trying to pull myself out of the icy water. After some effort, I was able to lie lengthways on a make-shift ledge and slowly dry out. Sleep claimed my over-exerted body and when I opened my eyes again my tomb was entirely void of light. My clothes had become frozen into their position and I felt that unless I got in some warmth soon... I would die!
I began to push on the top of the dam, and slowly the twisted twigs snapped and bent under my pressure. I hesitated in the darkness, wondering if the builder was scared away by my presence or if it was somewhere deep inside the twisted mass of limbs, sleeping away his cold winter. I again pushed against the roof, feeling it give under my efforts as mud cascaded upon my frozen hair.
I stopped short when I could see the light from the moon bathe the interior of my hiding place, above me the stars twinkled their welcome. Slowly I rose up my head and surveyed the surroundings, but nothing moved as far as my eyes could see. I struggled through the limbs and scrambled up the snow-covered surface using the roots and hanging branches to pull myself back to the river's ice-crusted edge.
I lay panting in the freshly fallen snow, hands and feet numb beyond belief. Realizing that to stay there would result in my death; I stumbled onward following the path of the recent battle's destruction. Soon enough, I came across the first dead soldier covered with a light dusting of snow. I said a prayer for him and pulled the shoes and socks from his feet.
Only a few yards from him lay his rifle, with numb fingers I picked it up and leaned it against a tree. I bent down and pulled the soldier's utility belt from his waist, once I was assured that it still contained the lead balls, patches and powder. I tossed my wet clothes to the side and quickly donned the unfortunate soldier's uniform on. "At least it's dry..." I murmured, looking down at the dried blood from his wound, at its center was a large round hole the size of my thumb.
I heard a clink of metal, somewhere in the darkness ahead. I slowly moved forward in a half crouch, keeping as low as possible from view. The moonlight was creating shadows against the snow, my breath trembling from the chill. I slowly peeked around the great expanse of a tree, there before me was a fire. I waited until I saw a figure approach it, throwing sticks on to build it back into a dancing fury.
I studied the soldier, his gun only feet from his grasp... my mind could almost make out a dark blue. I closed my eyes in prayer and cleared my throat. "Hello the Camp!" I kept behind my tree, hoping they wouldn't fire into the darkness.
"Who's there?" came back the reply. I noticed that the soldier had quickly snatched up his rifle and moved away from the light of the fire.
"Private Jeremy Sands of the 51st Indiana." I waited in the darkness. "What company are you with?" I called out after a great pause.
"Army of the Tennessee…under Major General U.S. Grant." He slowly moved toward the fire carrying his rifle in readiness to shoot. "You just come on in here real slow... hold your rifle above your head."
I took a step out from the confines of my tree, holding the rifle high.
"Steady, boys... it's a Yank," he whispered to his fellow soldiers. I looked around me into the darkness, there had to be 50 men hidden... all with their rifles trained on me.
Slowly they relaxed as my clothing came into view, then one quickly brought his rifle back up pointing it at my head. "Sergeant, he's wearing our Insignia!"
The grizzled Sergeant looked at me from under his hat, his moustache so long that I couldn't see him speak. "You said, you belonged to the 51st Indiana...Explain yourself, boy, afore I have him shoot your skinny ass!"
"I found the clothes back there a piece, I was cold and wet from the river.
"I took the rifle from another soldier," I continued, "The fellow was killed... I figured he didn't need the dry clothes anymore." I kept my hands raised toward the heavens as I replied.
He turned toward a man just off to my right, "Check it out, Charley." I heard him scamper away. "You'd better hope your story pans out."
The other man came running back into the light, "Here, Sarge. I found these laying next to Private Rollings." He handed my frozen clothes to his Sergeant.
The bearded Sergeant rolled them in his hands, "He's a Yank all right... let him come in by the fire and warm up." I nodded my thanks and crouched by the flames. "Get him something to eat." The Sergeant called out to a black cook on his left, who nodded and disappeared from view.
"You get separated from your unit?" He eyed me with his cold steely gaze.
I nodded, "Rebs hit us while we was sleeping, I don't know who got away." The cook came back and handed me a pan of goo, to the side was a biscuit. "Thanks! I appreciate that." I took a big bite of the hard biscuit, and then pushed around the soupy goo-gravy with the remainder.
"It ain't much...but it's the best we got." The cook grinned and brushed his hands against his pants. I looked at him and smiled, then turned toward the Sergeant.
"I guess I'll be joining with you until I can find my own outfit... if that's okay?" I took another bite of the runny slop. At least it was hot.
"That'll be fine. Take a spot in the trench, we'll be going at it soon enough!" I gave him a questioning look, so he continued. "Rebs are just inside the woods yonder, we're fixing to hit them at first light." He sighed and looked across the field, where I could just make out several small fires like the one I sat beside. He folded his arms, "Hell is, crossing that field... we'll be like sitting ducks." He sadly shook his head and walked into the darkness.
As soon as I finished eating, I was shown my 'place in the trench'. Here I would wait out the morning and the battle that was sure to come.
Chapter 2
From my trench I could hear the big boom of the cannon as it hurled death from a great distance toward our line. Fear gripped my throat as I tried to swallow. Even in this early morning light, I could see the smoke drifting from the woods where the Rebs were firing at our position.
From side to side I looked into the eyes of those soldiers around me, each deep in his own thoughts of loved ones and home. Some of the old men had fire in their eyes as they readied themselves for a charge once our Sergeant barked the order. The very young were cowering in fear as they waited for the call. I was among these young men trembling in the icy mud of our trench.
I was soaked as the melting snow seeped into my boots leaving my socks perpetually wet. The temperature had warmed during the night, causing great patches of snow to melt and grass to become visible in areas now open from the unseasonable warmth. I tugged the cap down further onto my head, but its protection offered no comfort to my trembling body and soul. As if to mock us, it began drizzling. A slight southern wind had warmed the air just enough to keep it from turning to snow, however, it made the conditions even more miserable by creating a damp ever-penetrating fog.
As the morning progressed, so did the drizzle. At first it had been like a damp fog, and then gradually, it became an outright rain. I looked up into the droplets as they continued to plummet into the puddle at my feet, and I watched the Sergeant wipe the water from his long bushy beard. From the distance we could hear the crack of the big 54's and 58's. Once in a while, when I would get the nerve up to look over the edge, I could see the Rebel battle flag unfurled and waving in the cold late November breeze.
Early morning arrived, and each army faced one another in the cold rain. A low fog was beginning to settle into the lowlands as the sun tried to fight its way through the clouds. It was true... that in the early morning it is actually colder once the sun begins to rise, and sitting there covered with rain made it worse then ever.
My teeth began to chatter when the order finally came in the form of a dull roar swelling within our ranks until it reached our position. The roar was from the eager soldiers shouting their willingness to finally be anywhere other than in that wet trench, but I wasn't so sure.
As we struggled out of the slippery earthen ditch, the sun burst through the clouds, promising for it to be a bright morning. The fellow to my immediate right collapsed back into the trench as a slug slammed into his chest. I trembled as I watched him come to a rest, his blood coloring the muddy puddle that he fell into. I wasn't sure if I was shaking from the fear of that happening to me, or from the chill of being wet.
A rifle ball struck the stock of the 58 Springfield gun that I carried, exploding the wood into a hundred pieces. The sheer force propelled me into the trench where I landed next to the unlucky man whom I had been watching. I scrambled to my feet in horror as I quickly tried to put distance between the dead man and myself.
As I was searching for a foothold on the muddy banks of the trench, another soldier fell back into what was suddenly becoming a mass grave. Screaming, I grabbed hold of anything that I could reach in an effort to pull me to something solid. I had lost my cap in the bloody water when I first fell, and now my gun had been rendered useless.
Never before in my 16 years had I ever experienced anything so terrifying in my whole life! This was worse then the battle when I had been captured, making that first one seem like a mere skirmish!
As I finally reached the flat, muddy ground I was out of breath with fear, for nowhere to be seen were those who had waited out deaths with me in this trench! Ahead of me I could see the field strewn with the dead and dying soldiers; as Union the blue were pushing the Rebs backwards into the brush and trees.
I pulled myself to my feet and searched around for a gun...any gun. Gathering another 58 Springfield into my grimy mud-covered hands, I winced as I lifted it from a dead soldier, ramrod still clutched in his lifeless hand. From experience I could tell that he had no time to load before the fatal bullet found him. Trembling, I loaded it and started into a dead run for the tree line that my side had advanced upon. As I crossed the muddy grass and earthen field, I heard the soft thud of slugs hitting the ground around my feet. Adrenaline and fear caused me to race into the unknown, with the woods being my goal.
I could feel the tug of a lead ball passing through my pant leg as I reached the woods where I had last seen the Union soldiers entering. Tears were cutting the soil that covered my cheeks as I sought safety behind a fallen tree. All about me were littered the bodies of both Confederate and Union soldiers alike; most were dead, but some still clung desperately onto life.
My hair had become pasted to my head from the wet morning, so I pushed it out of my sight and tried to compose myself into another attempt to reach my company. Choking smoke from the recent battle clouded my vision, and the acrid smell of powder burned at my nostrils. I was already sick and tired of the sights and smells of war!
Into the bluish-gray cloud I scanned for any sign of my fellow soldiers. I saw movement and rolled into a kneeling position behind my tree. The man stumbled toward me softly calling out someone's name, as if he were looking for that person. I held my ground and with trembling hand I drew back the hammer from the long, 58 caliber, waiting to see if he was a friend or foe... It was a Reb!
We couldn't have been more than 25 yards apart as our eyes locked upon one another. I quickly sighted my gun as I watched in horror as he raised his gun toward me. We fired simultaneously. I waited for a moment as the thick plume of smoke dissipated, it was apparent that he did likewise as we remained where we were, waiting for one or both of us to fall. After only a moment, we realized that the mortal blow that we each expected had not materialized, and both our shots had missed horribly. In a panic, we rapidly began to reload our weapons.
As we nervously readied our guns, each of us took a moment from time to time, to check out how the other was progressing. I guessed that he was close to my age but with the dirt and filth, I didn't know for sure. I finished just ahead of him and raised my rifle to aim. I looked into his tear-filled eyes as he realized that I had beaten him loading our messengers of death. As I hesitated, he began to frantically finish loading the big gun he was holding.
No 16 year-old should ever have to do what I did at that moment; his eyes briefly met mine and he began to raise his gun in my direction. My borrowed weapon barked with fury as through the smoke, his gun fell and he spun violently backwards to the soft carpet of the damp woods. I stood there crying, muddy tears streaming down my young cheeks.
I watched the young man struggle once to rise, then fell onto his back ceasing to breathe, the life slowly ease from the youth eyes. I stared down at the weapon in my hands and slowly let it drop onto the damp slushy ground beneath my feet. I had just broken a commandment... I had taken a life. My grandmother would have rolled in her grave if she could have seen what I had just done.
The gaping hole that the slug left in the boy was visible to me, steam slowly rising from the mortal wound. I stepped across the log and moved to his side, his eyes seemed to follow my movement as I approached. But I knew that was impossible, and he was dead. I sat and stared into his dead eyes and continually wiped tears as they rolled down my cheeks. His cold stare seemed to haunt me as its gaze bore into my very soul.
I dropped to my knees, closed my eyes and said a silent prayer for this young soldier who died by my hands, but it helped me feel only a bit better. I crawled over to his lifeless form and using my hand I lowered his eyelids from their haunting stare. I could feel my throat tighten with emotion as my hand came into contact with his warm skin; never before had I witnessed the results of my actions on the battlefield... now, I knew that I would never forget.
Most of the day passed quickly, before I could prod myself into moving. Still in a horrified shock, I buried him in a shallow grave and using a chunk of bark from a tree scratched these words: "Here lies a young Reb killed by me... God, please forgive me for what I have done." I fell against a tree, staring into the fresh mound of earth that had become his grave, and remained there until night began to fall... I wearily set out away from the dead boy.
I gathered up my gun and began to plod deeper into the woods away from the grave, until I came to a wide river and turned west away from the rising sun. I could see that I was headed in the right direction, the ruts from the cannons being pulled through the soft earth and the bodies littered the ground from both Union and Confederate alike. A huge battle must have taken place here earlier today.
I followed the river well into the evening, and I only paused long enough to get a drink and eat a bit of jerky the black cook had given me. I figured that it would only be about an hour or so before I would catch up with my company. Using the stars, I kept the North Star in sight and kept moving into the inky darkness. Finally until utter exhaustion overcame me, I collapsed into a heap under a great willow tree. I smiled inwardly as I fondly remembered a tree just like this one, growing next to the river near my home in Indiana. Slowly I let sleep overtake me and closed my eyes listening to the gentle night breeze rustle the overhanging dry leaves.
Chapter 3
Voices woke me in the freezing pre-dawn morning, so I scrambled to my feet using the great span of the willow's trunk to keep me hidden until I could discover who was speaking. The male voices that I heard were using thick southern accents, so I kept low and circled around to a dense bush for cover. It was a small party of Reb soldiers moving toward me in a single line.
I eased myself back over the bank of the icy river and hung on to a sapling in my effort to stay concealed. The water was frigid as it crushed the wind from my lungs with an icy grip. I shook from chill as I hung onto the small tree, afraid that they would hear my teeth chattering.
As I flattened myself against the bank I watched one gray clad soldier stood at the edge and relieved himself only a few yards from me. I redoubled my effort to maintain a grasp on the young tree in the icy water... I could feel my grip slipping.
Suddenly as if the river itself pried my numb fingers away, I began to be pulled downstream! I did the only thing I could and lay face down, praying that they would think I was dead and leave me pass. I held my breath waiting for the stab of hot lead to bury itself deep into my exposed back. Evidently I was a pretty good actor, because they did nothing, either they didn't see me or ignored me completely. Whatever the reason, I was alive... cold and wet, but alive.
I held my breath as long as I possibly could, my lungs burning with fire as they sought the fresh clean air of the surface. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, I rose and filled my lungs full with life giving air. Spinning around I scanned the banks looking for the Confederate soldiers, but they were nowhere to be seen. I tried to strike out for the river-bank but the swift current was pulling me along in its icy path, and I was its prisoner!
Faster and faster I raced along, sometimes striking rocks or boulders strewn along the bottom. Once, I momentarily wrapped my arm around a log but my force dislodged it from the hold it had on the bottom and it too was propelled down the swift, icy river.
At one point during my seemingly endless trip, I was able to force myself away from the log and suddenly found my feet able to touch the bottom. That success was short-lived as I slipped and became disoriented under the surface. Again I found myself an unwilling passenger in this icy river, beside me floated the slowly rotating log!
Slowly my strength was being ebbed from my body, I tried one last time to push myself away from the log. With all the strength I could muster I shoved against it with both feet and prayed. If I was unsuccessful, I would die alone in this icy watery grave. My head struck a rock and pain throbbed from my swollen temple, but I fought along in the current as blood began to pulse down from my brow. Somehow my arms came into contact with roots along the edge and I held on for dear life until I was able to pull my feet up underneath me. Struggling with what energy I had left, I pried myself from my watery grave.
Chapter 4
It was dark when I regained consciousness; the air was still and very cold. My breath floated from my mouth in feathery plumes. I felt chilled and in pain, my body aching from the beating I took in the river.
My whole body again shivered from being both wet and cold. Somehow during my watery trip down the river I had lost a shoe, my jacket and the rifle. God only knows where...probably somewhere along the bank where I met up with those Rebs. What was left of my clothes had become torn and ragged, and were almost worthless in their present state.
Slowly, I pulled myself onto my hands and knees, my body racked with pain and numbness. I crawled toward a tree and using the low branches, pulled myself into a standing position. I could hear a dog nearby barking, its voice echoing in the quiet evening. I knew I desperately needed to rest somewhere dry and warm, or I would die.
I struggled through the darkness using the trees to help me walk with the pain and ache that I was feeling. I figured to stay near the river to have the best chance of finding some type of refuge. Slowly I picked my way until I heard horses. Peering through the foliage, I could see a house with soft light coming from a few windows. I paused and continued to watch for movement; I didn't have long to wait.
A middle-aged white woman followed a short man to his waiting buggy, and with her were a large, black slave woman and a skinny black man holding the horses to keep them calm. With them, a smartly dressed man quietly entered his buggy. From the bag the dark suited man was carrying, I sensed he was a doctor. I could just make out their conversation as he settled on the leather seat. "My poor daughter is so ill, Doctor! Isn't there anything you can give her?" The older woman sobbed softly.
He sadly shook his head as if saying no. "Ma'am, with this damned war, all my supplies have been depleted. I've given you some powders to help her sleep, but that's all I can really do. With what she's been through, it's only a matter of time."
From the look on the smaller woman's face, it looked as though the hardened doctor had slapped her. He saw it too and quickly looked down toward his feet. "Ma'am, if there was anything at all that I felt I could do... you know I would." His tired eyes shifted to the large black slave woman who was scowling at his callousness.
The distraught woman held the seat of the buggy tightly, as if to keep the doctor from leaving. With a sad nod and a pat on the gray-haired woman's hand, he took the reins from the skinny black man, "You just need to understand ma'am, Sarah won't be able to survive both this illness of hers, and pregnancy too. It would be a miracle if she were able to recover enough to last out this week. If only the child she was carrying were older, we could remove it with surgery. Unfortunately, I have never heard of any child living after being removed from a womb at only a few months."
The rotund black slave woman scowled again at the doctor's cold comment, "Some friend you is... telling her a thing like that, knowing how she's hurting inside!" She hugged the crying woman. "You go on and get yourself outa here!" She waved a portly arm in the doctor's direction.
The doctor tugged at his white whiskers and smiled sadly at the large slave, "I know you'll take good care of her, Keeza... if that's the only thing you do." The black matron nodded. Smiling weakly at her, he snapped the reins and pulled his buggy away from the steps.
I studied the little group as they stood sadly waiting while the doctor drove down the long lane of the plantation. They watched, until the darkness enveloped both him and his buggy. I glanced back toward them and noticed that the skinny man was suddenly gone, leaving only the crying white woman and the large black female. I rose up a bit to scan the area around me in an effort to figure out where the scrawny man went. I couldn't see him, so instead, I concentrated on the figures before me and quietly sunk back into the darkened bushes.
The chubby slave directed the older woman back toward the house talking quietly with her as they walked, "Keeza will speak with Miss Lilly, she’ll know what to do. We should've done that in the first place instead of fetching that old doctor know-nothing from town." She looked back toward where the skinny slave had been standing. "Now where the heck did you run off to? She paused and started searching for him with her eyes. "I hates it when you do that to me!"
I crouched down in an effort to conceal myself better, leaning into the darkened foliage of the hedge. I looked toward the barn and decided that I could move within the shadows there, making my way around toward the back. I slipped away from my hiding spot and started toward the building; fearing surprise I cautiously made my way to the door.
I moved slowly, as I had been trained to do in a hostile area. My ears were in tune to every movement, each step was calculated and as silent as possible. I inched my way closer to the door. I had the uneasy feeling of being watched, but I needed the rest that the barn would soon provide. It had taken me almost a half-hour to pick my way through the darkness, but still the unease I was feeling was prominent. Suddenly my fears were confirmed when I heard a slight movement in the shadows to my immediate right! I hesitated in the darkness and felt my heart race. Panic surged into my brain... I wheeled and tried to run but a quick flash and sharp stab of pain in my back left me no doubt that I was not alone. The terrible impact caused me to be violently propelled to my knees, my lungs gasping desperately for air.
I knew instantly, that I had been shot in the back... the lead ball passed entirely through and exited high on my chest. Coughing, I grasped at the pain only to pull my hand away and reveal blood soaked fingers. Steam slowly rose from my darkened fingertips and chest. I struggled to stand, only to fall forward again onto my face. I lay where I fell, watching the blades of grass vibrate from my frosty breath in the cool fall night. My breathing was becoming raspy and labored, with little flecks of white foam appearing on the grass before me. I had been fatally wounded; I knew that I was dying.
I had come all the way from Indiana, fought and survived through two horrendous battles, and I was about to die somewhere on a Southern plantation and not in the war as I had feared. Death doesn't care; it will get you wherever and whenever it wants. If it's your time, it will find you.
My vision became cloudy as I sensed movement of several individuals directly next to me, and slowly the sounds of those people became echoes within my mind. I felt my eyes dim and begin to close in anticipation of the peaceful sleep of death.
Set in the backdrop of Tennessee during the American Civil War, a young, underage soldier is separated from his unit after a fierce battle. While trying to locate them, he inadvertently stumbles into mortal danger on a very dark and quiet evening. With nowhere to run, Jeremy must learn to accept the changes that have been wrought upon his body... changes that may prevent him from ever returning home again!
Chapter 5
The withered black woman stood over the lifeless body of the young female lying as if she were only sleeping, sadly shaking her head. "It's too bad you didn't call me sooner, I can do nothing for her now... her soul is almost gone."
It had only been a moment since she had taken her last breath, but that moment seemed a lifetime to her weeping family. Keeza moved over to comfort a grieving female who had thrown herself across the dead woman, and she gently raised the sobbing woman to her feet and rocked her tenderly in her ample bosom. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Penny...so sorry."
The room fell silent as each person grieved in their own way, and only the sounds of quiet sobbing broke that silence. Suddenly, a shot rang out in the quiet evening, causing them to rush toward the closed window.
In the little bit of light that dappled across the yard from the large moon, they saw a youthful form slowly crumple toward the ground as others gathered around his form. Quickly the old wrinkled black woman threw open the window. "Hey, there... what has happened?"
"Caught him snooping around... he's a Yank soldier!" He stepped closer to the form and turned his face back toward the window, "He's a youngin at that!"
The old woman looked toward Keeza, "Take Mrs. Penny out of here, she don't need to see this on top of what has happened to her and her family!" Keeza nodded and took the crying woman out of the room, she apparently hadn't even noticed the commotion outside.
"Is he dead?" called the wrinkled woman to the figures below.
"Not yet... but soon will be." He crouched down next to the dying boy. "Got him in the lung!"
Keeza walked back into the room, "I laid Mrs. Penny down... she is just beside herself with grief." Nearing the window she looked at the old woman and pointed, "What's going on down there?"
The grizzled black slave woman smiled at Keeza, patting her flabby arm. "There may just be a ray of hope yet!" She turned back toward the figures below, "Bring the boy up here... and hurry!" Quickly she hurried out of the room.
It only took a moment for two black slaves to hurry up the stairs with the pale form of the bleeding boy. "He just closed his eyes...but he still be breathing...even though it's slow!" They placed him on a bureau that was used to write letters, and Keeza used one arm to quickly sweep its contents to the floor. The skinny slave spoke to the two woman, "Ain't gonna do no good, no how...he has a hole clean through his chest to the other side. He gonna die."
The rotund woman glared at the tall black causing him to quickly turn and scurry out of the room followed closely by his companion. After several tense minutes, from down the hallway limped the old woman, using a hand-hewn cane for support. Slowly she pulled a glass sphere from her pocket.
"What is that for, Miss Lilly?" Keeza asked.
"This glass globe was called the Choonta Kune long, long ago, here it is known as 'The Sphere of Life', I have a hunch that it may help us. Only time will tell, though." She bent down to the boy and placed the globe on his chest. Closing her eyes, she began to chant in a long forgotten language that sounded more like a song than anything. Keeza stood there watching the young man's breathing becoming even more shallow with each passing moment, until it finally stopped altogether.
"Looks like he dead, Miss Lilly." Keeza said sadly. She had already seen much more death this day than she wanted.
"Only in body, child... look." The old woman pointed toward the globe which had started glowing.
The two black women watched as the glass globe began to glow with bright colors, seemingly as if it had a life of its own. The colors became brighter as the young man's breath slowly left his body in one great sigh. "Now if this works..." She began to look around for something to pick the globe up with.
Keeza moved in to pick up the sphere but the old woman stopped her hand, "We must be careful not to touch the surface." Keeza didn't ask why, she knew not to question Miss Lilly on matters of the supernatural.
Lilly maneuvered the glass ball into a small, empty wooden drawer, using a long letter opener she had picked up from the floor. Once Miss Lilly had removed it from the young boy, she handed it to Keeza and slowly walked out of the room and down the hallway. "Where are we taking that little ball, Miss Lilly?" She had to practically run to keep up with the old woman who was hobbling along on her cane.
Keeza pulled up short as Miss Lilly entered the bedroom where they had just laid the dead body of their dear, sweet Sarah. She covered her gaping mouth with her hand as she watched Miss Lilly take the box from her chubby fingers. The old woman bent low over the prone form before her, then rolled the glass globe from the box and onto the chest of the beautiful female. Her pert, youthful breasts kept the sphere from rolling off. Lilly began to chant; as she did the colors began to fade from the glass sphere, until it appeared as it had first been... just a clear glass globe.
Lilly turned toward Keeza and motioned for her to come closer, "The sphere is an ancient tool passed from generation to generation within my family. Only the womenfolk have the ability to use it, but it will seep the life from a dying person and breath it fresh into the body of the newly dead. But, neither can be of the same body."
Keeza's eyes grew wider as she listened, "Sarah will extract the life force from the dead Yankee boy and she will live again. His soul will drift off toward its intended destination, whether it be heaven or hell." She smiled as she watched Keeza's expression, "Sarah should be back to her normal self in a few weeks... still able to carry the child that is growing inside of her."
"What happens if it's too late and Sarah is gone forever... and the boy's soul is stuck in her body?" Keeza spoke with insight surprising the old African.
"I hadn't thought of that... if it does happen, we will have a very confused young ma..er...lady on our hands." The two stood and stared at the figure of the young woman.
Keeza wasn't sure what to think, for Miss Sarah was like a daughter to her. Her pregnancy and illness played so heavily on the small family since her father had been killed during a recent battle, and her young husband off fighting somewhere else. She knew that Ethan would be devastated if word got to him of Sarah's death.
On one hand, the soldier-boy died and had no need for his soul anymore. On the other hand, Sarah might possibly live, if his soul could be siphoned off and used as fuel to bring her soul to life. Keeza was confused by all that was happening and sighed heavily as the old woman began to pull on her arm in an effort to herd her to the door.
"What of her illness?" Keeza asked, pointing out her young charges' obvious reason for death.
The elderly black leaned against her cane and smiled, "The sphere will cleanse her body, her illness will be of no effect."
"Why then didn't we use it on her long ago?" Keeza wrung her hands with worry as she fretted over the young beauty.
"The sphere can only be used when the soul begins its journey. She wasn't yet dead, there was still a slim hope for her." She frowned sadly as she studied the prone, young woman.
Slowly the old woman drew the door closed, "Now we just wait... If we're lucky, you will have your dear Sarah by morning." She paused at the door of Mrs. Penny, pointing with her cane to indicate the older white woman who inhabited the room. "Hopefully, she will have her daughter back as well..."
Chapter 6
Fleeting sounds were muffled in my ear as I felt my soul begin to drift from my body, slowly I could feel myself rise toward the heavens. I felt nothing but an inner peace as I drew my last shallow breath. I began to see brilliant hues of blue and green swirl about me, each mixing and glowing with a soft inner light.
I could sense an expectation of what it would be like in heaven with the beautiful display before my eyes, I was sad to die, I did not want to die. At 16, I had thought that I had much more of my life ahead of me...now, nothing. I really didn't feel pain from the wound, only sadness knowing that this slug was putting an end to all of my dreams and wishes. Dreams of a family, children, a quiet home that I could call my own, growing old with those I love. Gone. All gone. All of this taken by a lurking figure in the dark, my young life cut short by a sniper's bullet.
Slowly an unearthly feeling began to grip at my soul, I could go no further than the beautiful colors could go...was this me? Were these the colors of my soul? I could hear voices but was unable to make anything that was said...were they the voices of my past? Or were they voices of those dead, gone long before me?
Again I felt as if I were being pulled back toward earth, for a moment...and only a moment. I brushed against another lost soul brightly lit with color. This soul was at peace and not feeling the turmoil that I was experiencing. I could almost make out a face...a female face. She was beautiful and young like me. She was concerned, her angst enveloped me as a shroud. I could sense that she was leaving those she loved behind, but not confident in their happiness. The whole situation left me uneasy. I wasn't sure why, but I felt that I had something to do with her concern.
Suddenly the beautiful peace was disappearing, as a fog was slowly being lifted from my mind. I watched the colors fade before my eyes with each passing moment. Gone was the feeling of peacefulness and contentment that I had been feeling... worry and sentiment began to wash over me.
I felt myself breathe again, slowly drinking in the life-giving oxygen deep into my lungs. I felt soft covers gently laying against my body, and cool sheets below me as well. I listened to the birds chirping outside a window; somehow I had not died, I was alive, I had survived!
I moved a hand to my rib where the slug had exited, feeling for the pain of the wound. I could feel nothing... no wound, bandage... nothing! Maybe I was indeed dead and this was my heavenly body waking from its long earthly nap. I tried to force my eyes to open and was rewarded with bright sunlight bathing my sleepy eyes with its beauty. I never thought I would see the sun again... 'God, it was so beautiful!' I thought.
My eyes fluttered open a few times in an effort to make themselves used to the brilliant light streaming in on them. I slowly looked around the room, moving only my eyes. I could see a faint haze above my vision, and to a smaller effect below. It wasn't too distracting but, then again...troubling. It was almost like trying to focus on something very, very close to my eye. I rubbed my eyes using the back of my hand, it didn't seem to help. Whatever it was, wasn't clearing up.
The room screamed of wealth, with its rich polished woods and high ceilings. The bed I was lying on had four heavy posts with a gauzy material draped on each end fastened by a colorful lacy ribbon. Slowly I moved my head to the side and studied a portrait on a stand next to the bed. It was a handsome young man dressed in a Confederate Cavalry Uniform. He was sitting with his saber tip resting on the ground and his strong hand on the hilt. He didn't appear to be much older than I was, I guessed at maybe 18. He cut quite a dashing image, with his polished buttons and ornate needlework around each button-hole.
Movement caught my eye as a large black woman entered the room was in. I tried to say something but I couldn't form the words, my mouth felt as if it were full of cotton. She turned and jumped as she became aware that I was watching her. An almost inaudible gasp escaped her lips forcing her hand to quickly move to her mouth. She spun around and lifting her dress darted out of the room and down the hallway.
I could hear her shouting as she ran down the stairs and across the lawn at the top of her lungs, however, I couldn't make out a thing she had said in her excitement.
Closing my eyes I decided that I should rest some more... I had done nothing this day but I was extremely tired. I allowed my mind to drift off again and sleep.
Again I found myself on the battlefield, a glowing white cloud silently hovering over the dead and dying soldiers. I was drawn to a body that I knew as my own, lying face down on the ground. As I rolled him over I was shocked to see that it wasn't me... but a girl, a very beautiful girl. The cap fell from her head as she settled onto her back, and volumes of lush blonde ringlets fell about her face and against the ground she was laying on. I knelt closer, my vision locking upon her eyes now closed in death. Suddenly they opened with a start, my position changed and I found myself looking into the ghostly form of an angel as it hovered above me. My body jerked, and I found myself racing away from my dream with the speed of lightning!
Chapter 7
For what seemed like days I drifted in and out of sleep; each time I opened my eyes they would be rewarded by that slight haze silently distorting my vision. I also had visitors from time to time. At first it was the large black woman accompanied by a frail old black woman who was well-wrinkled and bent. At other times an older white woman would just hold me in a long embrace, and she would stroke my hair while applying a cool washcloth to my forehead. She was the figure who seemed to bring me so much comfort. She doted over me in a most motherly fashion that was pleasant and caring, and I found myself eagerly waiting her appearances.
Even though I could hear what they were saying to me, I was so out of sorts that I couldn't comprehend much of what was said. Only the woman would talk, even while she was feeding my soup from a spoon. All the while, her melodious tone would continue to massage my mind and caress my soul.
On one particular morning, I heard the white woman addressing the older black slave out in the hallway, "What ever can the matter be, Lilly? She doesn't even acknowledge me... her own mother. Could what happened have affected her mind so?" Her voice trembled with emotion almost as if she were about to cry.
The old woman spoke taping her cane against the wooden floor, "It will take time, Mrs. Penny. She had died, but now lives... we should be thankful for that."
"I am so grateful for all you have done, Lilly. By saving my dear Sarah, I will give you your freedom. Anything else you need... just ask."
The older woman grew silent and still for a moment, "Thank you, Mrs. Penny, I appreciate your kindness." Then they slowly moved away from my room, their voices carried softer by the distance.
I fell into an uneasy sleep. I could feel movement about the bed which caused me to open my eyes ever so slowly. A quick glance to the window told me that it was well past noon. "How long will she be bed-ridden?" The woman smiled in my direction seeing that I was awake.
The little woman called Lilly, hobbled over next to the bed. "It's up to her... she seems entirely healthy now and ready to face the world."
I just lay there, my eyes dancing from one face to the other. Who were they talking about? Who was Sarah? Why did they keep referring to me as "she"? I tried to raise myself up and both women rushed to my side. "Not so fast... you must not try to do too much, too soon." The white woman scolded.
Again, I lay back and closed my eyes. If they wouldn't let me up, I would just as soon sleep. Later into the afternoon, I woke and sat up in the bed. The large black woman was busying herself around the room noticed me and came over to prop some pillows under my back. She smiled at me and fussed with the blankets for a moment before walking out of the room. I looked around the majestic room and studied everything with new appreciation of this family's generosity and wealth.
It was then that I noticed the girl, sitting upright in her bed on the other side of the room. I had never seen such a lovely vision before in my life! She appeared to be about my age with beautiful long golden hair cascading down around her shoulders. She was wearing a sleeping corset that allowed a minimal amount of breast to pillow up for my viewing pleasure. Our eyes met and we both looked away, I wasn't sure who was more embarrassed. It only took a moment before my young lust drew my eyes back to her exquisite form. We smiled at each other.
I couldn't believe how warm she was making me; I studied her full sensuous lips almost beckoning me to cross the room and smother her with kisses.
When I finally settled down I noticed that her corset had become untied and one breast was dangerously close to falling out of its protection. I found myself hoping to catch a glimpse of her tender young breast... praying that it would fall free. I anticipated her excitement as I could see the succulent young buds expand in arousal as she was studying me in earnest as well.
So, this lovely little exquisite creature, must be the Sarah that I heard them talking about! I would have given anything to be able to bed this feminine creature! At 16, I felt that I was ready to take on a man's role... especially with a girl like her... she on the other hand had an innocent and maybe a naive look about her.
I too wasn't beyond feeling the same want that she was feeling, the little pulses of sexual energy began to flow into my crotch, I knew that unless something happened soon, my penis would spring to life and embarrass both of us. Although I wasn't sure if this wonderful female would have been too upset, it appeared she wanted me as badly as I wanted her.
To the chagrin of both of us, Keeza found it necessary to enter the room, and we both turned our heads to watch her enter. The matronly black gasped with surprise as she quickly moved toward my bed. Her hands almost flew to my shirt, "You must never...never let this happen, it just ain't proper!"
I looked down and couldn't really see what she was so upset about, nothing unusual about having your shirt open. That is, unless you have...have... "Breasts?" I shouted.
I screamed at the black trying to tie the corset and quickly rolled off of the bed, looking down my vision was filled with the striking cleavage created by two pert young breasts gathered into the confining space of the corset! I looked at Keeza and then back down at what seemed to have attached itself to my chest! "What did you do to me?"
"Oh...oh dear me! I must get Miss Lilly!" She shouted as she raced out of the room and down the hallway.
I stood there and faced the door listening to her shouting as she ran. Slowly I turned, using a post to catch myself from falling. I saw the lovely beauty doing the same. Her luxurious long golden hair flowed down her back and stopped about halfway between her delicate shoulders and rounded bottom that pushed out ever so delicately. It was then that I realized that I had been looking into a mirror, and I saw the reflection of MY nipples as they began to become engorged and swell, pushing out the soft material of the sleeping corset. I couldn't believe this! I had died and came back a woman! And this vision was so lovely, it was making me aroused. "My God... what has happened to me?" I whispered in a voice not my own.
I stood and stepped toward the mirror, her tiny feminine hands seeking out the smooth surface of the glass. My eyes met hers and drank up the beauty they reflected, her dark, long lush eyelashes curved up and framed two of the most beautiful sky-blue crystal eyes that I had ever seen! Her nose was small and wonderful, resting just above a pair of lips that would arouse any man with desire! I let my eyes lower and study the body being reflected back, she was so lovely from the top of her golden hair to the bottoms of those dainty feet and everywhere in between. Those generous young breasts, the tapered waist to the little bulge in her garment where her belly button should be.
She looked a bit out of proportion standing there as I let my hand rest on the tummy facing me, so I slowly stroked the material. Suddenly, I realized that the "bulge" wasn't in the material as I had first thought, but this beautiful creature that I had become was...was... oh my God! A cry caught in my throat. "That means...oh..." The room began to spin as my face suddenly began to perspire, I felt myself sliding down the mirror as butter would slide on a hot pan. The room spun slowly, darkness enveloped me and I fell softly to the floor.
Chapter 8
I opened my eyes at the feeling of someone sitting next to me on the bed. Mrs. Penny slowly came into focus as I wiped the sleep from my eyes. "Hello, honey, are you feeling better?"
"Um... I feel fine now, I guess," I softly replied.
"You gave us quite a start yesterday... do you feel well enough to eat?" She smiled and patted my soft hand. "You really need to eat something other than the broth that we've been feeding you." She spoke as she began to assist me into a sitting position.
I looked across the room and saw the young lady looking back at me; slowly her hand touched her cheek. "What has happened to me?"
"Oh my young child, you had become gravely ill and we thought you died! If it weren't for Miss Lilly, you would have been lost to us forever." I sat and stared at her. "Eat, child...you need to keep your strength up."
At that moment, the large black woman and the old woman stepped into the room. It was Keeza who spoke up, "Mrs. Penny, I have your lunch ready down in the great room. Please come down to eat now, Sarah will be okay now that Miss Lilly is here."
My eyes followed the old woman as she seated herself on the other side of this gigantic bed. She watched as the two other women had left and we were alone, "Tell me, child, what can you remember?"
My soft trembling voice replied, "I recall seeing a girl in my reflection before I passed out!"
She placed her hand on mine and looked directly into my eyes commanding my attention, "I mean before... long before."
I let my eyes wander as I spoke, slowly being drawn back toward the beauty in the mirror. From her perfect lips, came the words my mind formed. "I remember being a soldier in the Union army, I was in the infantry... we were fighting near here when I was captured. I hooked up with a company but was later separated during battle. I remember being shot by someone hiding in the dark." I looked at the old woman, suddenly tears began to roll down my cheeks. I could feel my lip trembling with a new-found fear, "I...I think I died!" I cried.
She smiled weakly, rubbing the back of my hand. "No, child, you didn't die in the sense you're thinking. It's true that the young soldier you once were had died, but his soul lives on. We lost Sarah due to illness and used a bit of ancient Nigerian magic to pull your soul and give it to Sarah... she was supposed to use your life-force and replenish hers. But, we were too late... her soul must have drifted into heaven before we could help her." She sadly looked down at the patterns in the quilt.
"My God... you trapped my soul into this body! Put me back! I don't want to be a woman... I want my old body back right now!" I began to cry like the young female I had become.
She squeezed my hand forcing me to pull away in anger. "It's not that easy to explain," she spoke softly. "Your old body was dead. You had a hole in your chest about the size of this." She used her thumb as an example. "That was about two weeks ago... your old body is hopelessly lost by now, buried under six feet of earth."
My beautiful lip trembled as I threw myself forward on the bed and cried. Her hand reached out and tried to comfort me with the soft stroking of my golden hair. Between sobs I pleaded, "There's no way that I can ever go back to what I was before? I'm going to stay as a girl ...forever?"
"Yes, that's so, once the sphere is used on you, it can never be used on you again. You will remain like this until the day you die." She tightened her lip in a futile effort to hide her emotions of what she had caused.
I leaned back against the mountain of pillows and looked at her. My mind was in a turmoil of emotions, I had died... at least the old me had died. My soul was moved into this body... this beautiful female body! I was now a woman! I stared wide-eyed at her, "This isn't possible! If I have been inside of this girl for 2 weeks as you say, how would you account for my bodily human needs? Surely, I would have had to... go?"
The little black woman smiled and nodded into the corner, "You were very weak; Keeza and I supported you over the chamber pot so you could relieve yourself." I felt my jaw drop, "Oh don't be so prudish, little one, you ain't got anything that we haven't seen already."
Turning my eyes from her, I looked down at myself and felt a fluttery movement within my belly. Was it nerves? I closed my eyes as I felt it again... no, this was not nerves! My look toward the old woman must have telegraphed the question in my mind.
"Yes, child... young Sarah was expecting her firstborn. She had passed only moments before you would have, we thought we had enough time, but we were wrong. The child was able to maintain survival long enough for your soul to occupy her form... the child lives now because of your sacrifice."
I found myself slowly rubbing my tummy without thinking, once I saw what I had been doing I stopped. The old woman smiled at my realization, I didn't see the humor in it. I swung my legs to the side of the bed and let them drop over the edge, one way or another I was determined to leave. My movement however, was decidedly feminine, and she noticed my surprise as I quickly let them dangle beside each other.
"Why did I just do that?" I said pointing to my legs as I flipped my golden tresses out of my way. I was sure my face reddened as I again did a very feminine thing. "Why do I keep doing things like... like a girl would do them... if I'm a man inside!"
"You are hardly a man inside anymore." Pointing to the tiny swell of my belly. "As much as I can suspect, you have acquired some of the lasting effects of Sarah. She used to move somewhat in the way you are now. She would flip her hair just like you did as well. You and she occupy the same being... you are the living Sarah, but her actions and movements have been mapped into her young body. I would guess that the longer you are her... you will discover more and more of her in you. How much of her remains?" She smiled slowly and shrugged, "...it will be for you to discover."
I looked down as she spoke, "How could this possibly happen to me?" I cried, "Oh Christ..."
I saw where her sleeping silk had opened up to reveal much more leg than I wanted... smooth and silky legs that were now mine, thin and dainty, crossed at the knee... so sexy... so feminine! How unreal to be seeing a beautiful creature like Sarah seemed to be... from this angle! Flipping the garment back to cover my creamy flesh again, I asked Miss Lilly a question, "I just don't know what to do... I can't stay like this... this female!" I waved my hands toward myself. "I don't know if I can wear dresses and all the trappings of a girl!" I suddenly realized that my voice projection had changed slightly from the Northern Indiana accent that I had!
My hand flew toward my throat, "Did... did you just hear me? Am I speaking with a Southern accent? Oh God, this can't be happening to me!" I looked into the mirror at the beautiful creature sitting on the bed that was me, "I don't understand how this can happen... I've been changed into a pregnant girl, all the while I should be laying in eternal rest in the ground out there!" I shuddered and at the same time felt the tears well in my eyes, and she noticed it too.
"If you want, there is something that I can do which will erase your memory and allow you to think of yourself as always being Sarah." She placed her hand on my arm suddenly covered in goosebumps, sending little tremors racing down my spine. I looked at her hand and slowly pushed it away, and tried to rationalize what was happening to me.
"Who is the father... of this?" I gently rubbed the swell in my stomach. "How did it happen?"
She chuckled, and pointed toward the tin photo of the dashing young officer. "That's the who and why you are pregnant, as for the reason... all women need a station in life, you had everything except for the man. Now that you have the man... the child was sure to follow." She brushed a stray golden hair from my eyes "Sarah, the girl who once was you ...loved him very much." She lifted the tintype from the stand and handed it to me.
I looked toward the mirror at the young female pouting in the bed. I looked at the wrinkled old woman and pushed a tear back, "I can't live this way... you shouldn't have done this to me!"
She stood up and began to head out of the room, "As the boy... you were destined to die. At least, as Sarah... you can live another day." I buried my face and cried into my trembling hands as she began to stroke the back of my head. "Lay still child, I'll bring you something to eat."
Eventually, I settled back into my pillow mountain and looked toward the picture on the stand. The officer did cut quite a dashing figure, a strong jaw and reasonable build. He appeared tall, young... and... and virile. I found myself beginning to cry softly, "Why couldn't she have just left me die?" A slight movement, like a butterfly within my stomach caused me to look downward.
Slowly I pulled the sheets aside, flattening the silk so it conformed to the shape of my waist, which gave me a good look at the rise of my stomach. I focused on one area, and my eyes widened as what could be only the movement of a small child roll within! I looked up as the old woman walked back in followed closely by Keeza.
"That child of yours is active," the old withered woman said. "And will be more as each day passes."
"It's not mine!" I shot back. "I didn't ask for it!" I folded my arms and pulled the blanket back over my swollen stomach.
"Tsk...tsk...tsk." Keeza clucked her opinion. "That child is a gift from God! You better be treating it as such!" The large woman folded her arms and glared at me.
"Keeza... you have something to be doing... so do it!" The old woman spoke without ever looking away from me, "She will come to love the little one... it will just be a matter of time." I glared at them and looked away, only my darting eyes would have betrayed the distrust for them that was in my heart.
I folded my arms defiantly across my breasts, "I'll carry the thing if I have to... but you can't force me to keep it!" The old woman only smiled at my comment and winked at Keeza.
She slowly walked around the foot of the bed, her cane clicking against the floor. I watched her intently as she sat herself in a big chair placed in the corner. "Tell me, child, what was your name before..."
I frowned, "My name... well, my name is Sarah." I shrugged my small shoulders.
Keeza laughed from where she was standing and handed me a small sandwich on a plate. I looked from one woman to the next and asked, "What? What's so funny?"
The old woman smiled and drew a finger on her chin, "Sarah, where were you born?"
I thought that this had to be the dumbest line of questioning that I had ever heard, I inhaled with frustration and answered her truthfully, "I was born in Clarksville, Tennessee. Why are you asking all of these odd questions?"
She leaned forward in the chair and pointed to the large woman, "Who is that?"
I looked at the matronly female, and shrugged my shoulders. "Her name is Keeza... she's my slave." I thought about what I had just said, "Wait a minute... I don't have slaves... do I?"
"Who am I, Sarah?" The old woman interrupted as she struggled to her feet.
"You are Miss Lilly..." I looked away slowly and whispered in shock, "Now how did I know that?"
"You see, child, the Sphere has placed the soul of your old self into Sarah... your soul has been absorbed into her body. You have become one... since her body is holding your soul... you have her memories." I watched her pass a mirror in front of me, my eyes fixated on the beautiful girl in the mirror. "Your old self will soon be pushed to the background... you are becoming Sarah."
"This can't be happening!" I cried, the young girl in the mirror buried her beautiful face in her slender hands. "Please God, wake me from this nightmare!" I rolled and buried my face into the pillow, tears absorbed into the material as I cried. Then in fury I turned on the bed, my breasts heaving with breathless anger. "A bullet didn't kill me... you did! I died when you chose to interfere with your own selfish needs, trapping me in this body of a dead, pregnant girl!" I tried to strike at my stomach and fought against the two blacks as they wrestled me back into my pillows, holding me there until I fell asleep.
Set in the backdrop of Tennessee during the American Civil War, a young, underage soldier is separated from his unit after a fierce battle. While trying to locate them, he inadvertently stumbles into mortal danger on a very dark and quiet evening. With nowhere to run, Jeremy must learn to accept the changes that have been wrought upon his body... changes that may prevent him from ever returning home again!
Chapter 9
The sun shone brightly through the window, birds singing just outside in the trees. I heard a movement nearby that caused me to turn my head slightly, and I noticed it was Keeza busying herself about the grand room. She turned abruptly and smiled, "I see you is up, Mrs. Sarah. I'll be getting you something to eat here in a jiffy as soon as I gets your clothes laid out."
I rolled toward the nearby window, "Don't bother. I don't feel much like leaving this room. In fact, I'm never going outside again!"
"Oh come now, child, you needs to be up and moving around for the baby's sake." She turned and faced the bed, placing fat hands on her wide hips.
I let my eyes trail down the bed to where my stomach was hidden under the mass of great covers and quilts, "Don't remind me, Keeza." I could hear the click, click of Miss Lilly's cane as she approached from the hallway. Keeza smiled at her when she entered the room.
"How is Sarah today?" she asked the matronly black who stood and smiled, pointing toward the bed. "Ah, I see you are awake!"
I frowned at her smiling, wrinkled face and turned my back toward both of them, "I do not wish for visitors, Keeza. Please ask her to leave!"
The old woman gave a short laugh and slowly approached the bed from behind my back. I felt her hand lovingly touch the back of my head, slowly stroking my hair until she stopped at the top of the great pile of quilts. With one sudden movement of her frail little hand, she deposited the lot of them on the floor at the end of the large bed. "Time for sulking is over, you need to accept your status and learn to live the life that has been given you!"
I rolled over quickly and sat up, "You did this to me... you witch! How can you expect me to accept a life not of my own choosing?" I touched my chest with my slender fingers, "I should be lying out there in that cold grave, not inside here as a vessel to a child that I never conceived! I don’t want to be this…this female!"
The old woman stared at me with fire in her eyes, her jaw flexed in anger. She seemed about to explode, but then she regained control of her actions, took a deep breath and quietly replied, "Child, what is done, is done." She then pointed her bony finger toward the slight swell in my middle, "What will be, will be." She turned and my eyes followed her to the dresser where she picked up a small hand mirror, and slowly returned back to the bed. Holding it out to where I was forced to look at the lovely face I was now stuck with, "What is...IS," she said with finality, her jaw set, and her mouth firm.
I snatched it from her hand and was prepared to throw it across the room, but she stopped my hand by gently touching my arm with the end of her cane. "That child you carry can't help what has been done to you. The child doesn't know your warmth from the old Sarah; to it, you will be always be Mother. Can't you accept this new life... for that little one's sake?"
I gently tossed the mirror to the end of the bed, little tears danced down my cheeks. "What about ME? What about the family that I left back in Indiana? I have a mother! I have a father! What about them? Who will tell them that their son is now a girl from Clarksville, Tennessee? Who will explain that he now carries a child in a womb that has no business being inside his body?"
The old woman's expression softened, and slowly she sank to the bed. "We exhumed your old body up just two days ago. It was sent back to your family in Indiana; to them, you have died in a battle, here in Tennessee." I buried my face into my hands, my body racked with the sobs of my own finality, knowing that I might never again set foot upon the gentle rolling fields of my boyhood home. My head sank, and tears fell against my blanket.
She touched my cheek, forcing my face to look back at her. "You would have died anyway, just as Sarah did. By surrendering your life force, you gave her child a chance at life as well. Your life force gave an old woman back her daughter and gave you a body to go on living as well. Accept what the good Lord has given you... and move on."
"But it's not my body!" I cried. "She has a family that I have never met! How will they ever understand what has happened to the girl who I now am?" I spoke as I stood, gingerly crossing the room, toward the mirror. "How can I be someone I'm not?" I pointed at my reflection as I looked between the two older women.
"We will help you, child, we will teach you," the old woman quietly but firmly replied.
I stood transfixed between the two, my bottom lip quivering. The big black woman gently approached as if I were a rabid animal, "Here, Sarah dear, let's get you dressed." In a dazed stupor, I let them dress me. They buried me under copious amounts of material, and a frilly, shimmering gown. I was trapped! So depressed was I now that I let them have their way with me, until I was standing there again facing the mirror with a long braid wound across and pinned up into the flaxen hair that this... Sarah possessed.
"Come child; let us show you your home." The large black gently guided me into the hall and down a wide curving ornate stairs. We passed a thin elderly black fellow standing at the bottom of the stairs, who nodded in respect as we floated by. I studied his eyes as we passed, so familiar was his face, I paused and turned for a second look back at him.
"Ma'am?" he said looking my way. "Is there something you need me to do, Ma'am?"
I looked at Miss Lilly, who spoke. "No, Teddy, Mrs. Sarah is just having a spell. Run along and find something to do." The man nodded and quickly left the room.
I watched him go through the door, and as it gently shut, I realized where I had seen him before. "He was the man that stood with you... talking to the bearded man in the buggy!" I hesitated and pointed after the closing door, Mrs. Lilly shot a quick glance at the large black standing on the other side of me. "Is he the one who killed me?" I gasped, still staring at the closed door.
"No child, he's the one who found you near the barn." The old woman replied. Deep down, I felt sure she was lying.
Chapter 10
It had been three months since I was placed into the body of Sarah, three months of watching my slowly expanding mid-section swell with child. Gradually, I was allowed to wander across the property. Even though I experienced this minute bit of freedom, I was constantly shadowed by Rose, a young black female slave. I felt as though I was a prisoner in my own grand home, unable to ever leave it again.
I stepped lightly across the thin veneer of snow, softly lying upon the ground. In just a few days it would be Christmas, and I paused at the old family grave plot. There were names of family members whom I had never known; within lay the body of a father whom I had never met, but yet knew very well in this form I now possessed. I slowly walked among the markers, brushing the snow from their surface as I passed.
"You looking for somebody in particular, Mrs. Sarah?" The young black girl beside me asked her voice soft and raspy.
I shook my head slightly, "It's not that, Rose, out here lay many of...my family, many whom I have never met. How do you suppose that they would accept me if they were alive? Would they still appreciate me today?"
I could see that my question confused the young girl; she smiled then let it gradually drift away. I watched her brow furrow slightly, troubled with unease at what I was asking. "Your family, they'd always love you!" Again she forced a smile, "They would worship the ground you walk on, Mrs. Sarah, they surely would." I studied her ebony face, still young and full of youth. She had no idea who I had been; to Rose, I was Sarah.
"And what of this man?" I said lightly touching the frost-glazed surface of a cold stone marker, my fingers tracing the name of my…Sarah’s father.
She seemed surprised by stating the obvious, "That's the grave of your Daddy! He most of all would wish to be here with you!" She bent down and finished brushing the light snow where I couldn't reach. "Your Daddy thought the world of you! Ma'am, we all do."
I stood up beside her and studied the chiseled name upon the marker, "Samuel Earnest Pike." I whispered, my breath leaving in a vaporous cloud and continued... "Beloved husband and father. May you rest in peace."
"Ma'am?" The young girl questioned after picking up my whisper.
"Nothing, Rose." I smiled, "I'm just trying to remember what he was like."
"You're too young to be forgetful," she broke out in a smile. "There'll be plenty of time for that later when you most needs it."
"Oh?" I asked as we turned to leave.
"Sure, when your husband wants something you don't want to give... when you don't want to go somewhere, you can always say that you forgot."
I paused and smiled, "You are quite the devious one, Rose."
Her wide grin caused me to laugh, and slowly we made our way out of the cemetery and continued on toward the house. Once inside, I saw the woman whom I now called my mother; she was studying the large pile of papers lying in front of her. Into that huge room I walked, tall wooden columns stood on each side of the doorway, through these I made my way. Penny, my mother, sat behind a huge oak desk, the chair dwarfing her small frame.
"I'll never be able to figure all this out!" She sighed as she pushed the papers back, "Dear God, I wish that Samuel was still alive." She sat and stared at the floor, "I do miss him so, Sarah."
I felt compelled to touch her shoulder with my diminutive, gloved hand. She looked up into my face, "How are you feeling, dear?" She smiled and lightly patted the round swell under the cloak that I was wearing, "This is going to be a tiny baby, just like her mother." I forced a smile as my response. She turned in the chair and stood, holding me at the elbow and walking me toward a plush, soft chair.
"You sit down here and warm yourself by the fire, I'll see if Keeza could make us some tea." Penny...Mother scurried off toward the kitchen, leaving me in a peaceful silence with only the fire to crackle and snap its song. Behind me a noise brought me to my attention, so I turned, thinking it was mother returning. Miss Lilly, the ancient black woman, was approaching and paused beside the fireplace to warm herself.
"You may sit," I motioned, offering a chair to the old woman. She nodded and seated herself beside me; her attention was riveted on the glowing coals in the bottom of the pit.
"You seem well," she observed.
"I am, thank you," I politely replied.
Again the silence enveloped us, so finally I glanced at a small portrait of the same man who graced my bedroom... the father of the child I was carrying. "Miss Lilly?"
"Yes, child?" she replied.
"What do you know of him?" She followed my gaze toward the image in the photo.
"That's your husband, Ethan." She said smiling. "He's very handsome."
"Thank you." I said then frowned, unsure of why I would thank her for complementing the man...my husband.
"He joined up as soon as the war broke out, I believe he was 16." She gathered herself up and hobbled toward the photo and gently took it down. "He was quite headstrong, believing that it was honorable to fight for his family’s name. That was back in 1861." She carried the image to my chair and handed it to me, "You were married last spring when he was on leave." She patted my extended stomach, "This here happened right about the same time."
"Why doesn't he ever write me?" I wondered aloud.
"Those boys is always on the go, they probably aren't given much time to sit and write their women." I felt my face grow warm at her comment. "Don't you worry none, he'll come back and help you and your mother out with this plantation."
"That's actually the least of my worries," I sighed.
The old woman's eyes twinkled, "You afraid of what he's going to be wanting when he returns?" She spoke with a laugh.
"Probably." I sighed, looking down toward my full breasts and extended belly.
"You'll do what is expected of you," she replied flatly.
"And that is?" My eyes darted toward her quickly.
"He probably ain't seen a female since he planted his seed almost 7 months ago... I'm guessing he's going to want to do it again as soon as he's able." She took the photo and placed it again on the mantle. "You'll be okay, it isn't like you and he have not done it before."
Again I felt my face grow warm, "You're forgetting, I wasn't here when they created this child." I rubbed my hand over the child in my womb. "I don't think I'd know what to do with a man…nor if I'd want to if I could!"
She chuckled, "I doubt if he'll care…just lay on your backside and let him do whatever he wants."
I sighed at her candid answer, looking at the floor; behind me I could hear the flowing dress of my mother as she entered the room, with her scurried Keeza and a tray of steaming tea.
Chapter 11
It was evening, and the air had grown mild. I wrapped my cloak around me and ventured outside unseen. My mind was in turmoil, I found myself slowly growing more and more feminine with every passing day.
Every morning, Keeza and Miss Lilly helped me to dress, and it seemed almost normal to wear feminine clothing. I could still remember those things of the boy I had once been, but now, Sarah's past had slowly begun filtering inside of my mind and I could remember even more of her life. So much so, was the fact that I was having trouble distinguishing what had been Jeremy's and what was Sarah's.
It was becoming more difficult to move around, as it seemed that I was becoming fuller and fuller with-child, each and every day. I imagined that I was slowly taking on more and more of the attributes of an expectant woman, carrying this child of mine as any normal female would. Strangely, I was slowly becoming accustomed to the weight, and found myself starting to enjoy this strange maternal comfort that has been thrust upon me.
I had begun to take short walks around the exterior of the house; the exercising seemed to calm the baby somewhat. This evening, I felt I wanted to work my way down to the barns to see that horses, even as a boy I loved to watch the horses’ race and prance around in the fields. Slowly slipping out on my own I headed for the buildings where I knew they kept the majestic beasts, there seemed to be no fear of me running off. Realistically, how far could a pregnant woman travel on foot before she grew weary and had to rest?
I waddled toward a corral, and paused beside an energetic horse as he bounced his head over the rail. I smiled and scratched him along his head, and he stretched out his neck and gently nuzzled me in the shoulder. It was at this quiet moment that I heard an unexplained noise coming from inside the barn.
I stepped quietly into the darkened interior of the building, fearful and remembering the day that I had performed the very same stealthy move. Peering into a knothole, I could make out the figure of a dark skinned man and a young black girl in the darkness. He was holding her and kissing her willing lips, it was the young slave who had walked with me in the cemetery... it was Rose.
In surprise, I watched as she deftly placed her hand upon his crotch, massaging it into a great bulge with her fingertips. Their kisses grew more passionate, and my own breath grew strangely deeper at what I was viewing.
It was only a moment that he had her top over her soft shoulders, exposing her youthful breasts and taking one large nipple into his mouth. I breathed deeply, unable to remove my eyes from their ministrations! Soon she had his clothing in the straw beside them, and his huge penis sprang upward! She sank into the straw, taking him inside her mouth. I could feel my own nipples harden at what I was seeing. A strange and unfamiliar warmth deep within my groin grew as I watched!
The moon shone brightly on this night and reflected against his ebony features through the slats of the siding, creating a strange striping against their sweat dappled skin. His moans were strangely mixing with the girl's... and my own. Slowly he pushed her head away, and then settled back into the straw with her.
With a soft smile, she spread her thighs apart and invited him to make love to her! I couldn't believe my stunned eyes as she guided his long black penis into her glistening, moist slit! The warmth that I had been feeling earlier had suddenly grown damp! I looked away, then back quickly, unable to remove my gaze! The tall man settled between the teen's thighs, penetrating her with his straining penis.
I felt myself gasp, almost exactly the same as did his young female lover. Slowly he began to pump her, rocking their bodies in some sort of lustful dance. Faster and faster their speed grew, her breath broken by each thrust from him.
On and on they danced, and as I watched, these strange aroused female hormones raced throughout my body. Suddenly he grunted and shook; there was a short satisfied laugh and then another quick spasm of his back and hips. Still their bodies continued to rock the rhythm of love. His hips moved faster and faster until finally with a muffled cry she gasped and pulled him close with a tender kiss. They held that position for a long time, impaled. The young girl didn't seem to mind his great weight upon her small frame; in fact, it was she that began to initiate the rapid movement of her hips again.
I was warm, aroused and breathing hard. I decided that I had seen enough and silently strode away from the barn while the young couple continued on with their lovemaking. I slipped into the house quietly and hung my cloak; it was late and I headed toward my own room in stunned silence.
Keeza stopped by after a short while and helped me with my clothing, readying me for bed. I sank beneath the covers as she blew out the oil lantern and quietly walked into the hallway, pulling the door closed behind her.
In the moonlight, I looked at the portrait of the young man, surely he and the woman who I had become acted out a dance similar to the one I just witnessed! I shuddered at the thought and quickly rolled with my back toward the image of my...husband.
Chapter 12
There was a warm breeze out of the west as we ventured across the secluded meadow, suddenly he turned and gathered me into his arms and smiled. It was Ethan, the young man in the photo. I tipped my head back willingly as he began to kiss my soft neck, and his grip fell around my narrow waist.
We slowly sank into the soft grasses and flowers that carpeted the ground, and his tender kisses fell lower until he could no longer kiss my soft skin. Again my breathing grew labored, and I could feel my own small hand upon the growing bulge in his pants. He loosened the string on my light blue dress, which allowed his kisses to further explore the tops of my covered breasts. I sighed, my lips parting with a passion that I had never known before! Feverishly, I stroked him until he could scarce contain his ridged muscle no longer. He sat up and quickly removed his shoes and pants allowing his long, hardened penis to spring up and tower over his strong thighs.
I looked down as I removed the great amounts of petticoats and skirt that would free up my trapped legs. Ethan pulled my dress over my head and began to kiss my neck and shoulders, while I began to trace my fingers along his penis.
It was as though I was both a participant and observer at the same time as his fingers deftly loosened the corset around my waist, and soon my breasts spilled out. He pushed me back gently and kissed my heaving bosom, all the while I held his stiff penis at the gate of my young womanhood. He pressed forward, and I was panting with lust, wet and ready.
He slipped into my opening, I felt like laughing and crying at the same time, there was a momentary pain... then all pleasure! Sliding my thighs along his muscular sides I raised my legs and locked around his handsome waist, pulling him into me with each thrust of his hips. Again and again I matched his rhythm, faster and faster he moved. His head was bent down at a strange angle, his warm lips suckling an elongated nipple, teasing it into a tower of pleasure. I felt a great tingle begin in my legs; it then traveled through my stomach and settled into my expertly manipulated crotch. My breath left with each thrust of his body, each push sending me into a pleasant oblivion that I eagerly wanted to go!
Instantly, I felt a sexual rush that dwarfed my mind and clouded my thoughts! It was as if a great dam broke and the surge was distorting my vision with colorful stars and brilliant lights! My breath caught in my throat causing me to gasp, then as if the flood raced toward its target. I cried. It struck me with a fury that bespoke of magic and passion. I panted out my love for the young man as wave after wave washed over my young body! He too became caught up in my rapture as his entire body shivered and shook, He grunted into my breast as from within me, a great throbbing could be felt. Again and again the throbbing continued, his seed being forced into my womb with each wonderful pulse!
I sat up quickly, my blanket sliding off me to the floor. The pile of pillows had spilled around me and a few of them had fallen to the floor, save for the one my legs had been straddling. My breathing was still ragged, both nipples were prominent and announcing themselves to the chill of the room. I leaned back into the few pillows that remained and fought to regain control of my breathing; it was then that I realized that I had a strange leftover tingling sensation in my crotch. I had become quite damp and could feel my legs slightly shaking.
"Oh...my...God!" I gasped, "I couldn't..." I sat up and pulled my sleeping silks up toward my waist. My fear had been true, in my dream I had reached the pinnacle of a female as she reaches her prime and cries out in a pleasure matched by no other. "No..." I sobbed, and slowly began cleaning up the womanly fluid that my aroused body leaked out. I had my first orgasm, and it was caused by the father of this child I carried... all while I slept!
Chapter 13
It was a warm day in early February, and I was seated upon a little bench facing my mother's vast plantation. At the edge of the lawn stood Miss Lilly, she was tending her strange herbal garden. I gathered up my gowns and slowly waddled out across the lawn to meet her. Heavily laden with the child in my womb, I took my time.
The old woman looked up. "What are you doing out here?" she said, scowling. "You should know better than moving about like that with your baby so close to being born!"
I supported my extended belly and smiled, "I'll be fine." I looked back toward the house and motioned for her to come to the gazebo with me. She shrugged and leaned her hoe against a tree and followed.
At the white gazebo we paused, taking our seat where we could look over the pond. "I...uh... was wondering if you could help me?" I stammered, my voice still sounding strangely to my ears, the soft southern accent was so strange even after all these long months.
"Yes, Mrs. Sarah?" She smiled and tapped her cane against my foot.
"About a month ago I had a strange sexual dream..." I whispered softly.
"Were you a male or female?" she asked honestly.
"Female. I was with my husband, we were in a meadow." I stared into the water, embarrassed as my nipples began to respond to my thoughts. I moved my hand to my chest as if to stop them physically. "When it ended, I was left breathless and... well... you understand, don't you?"
"I understand all too plainly, Child. You are behaving no different than would any other female be dreaming about intercourse with her lover. Only, your body is reminding you that you are now completely feminine and is emphasizing it by taking you all the way... so to speak. Your dream is probably how the child in your belly was most likely conceived." She propped her hands on the cane and smiled. "You have been given a great gift."
"A great gift? I gasped with suspicion. Then, what about all the times since then?" I responded quickly.
"There have been more? Not just the one time?" she smiled slowly.
I nodded. "He...Ethan, has taken me in the meadow...the barn...my bedroom...his old bedroom...sometimes even orally." I looked down with embarrassment and continued. "Each time he has taken me all the way to...climax. When I awake, I am filthy, my heart is racing and I am uncontrollably...aroused."
She gave a short laugh, "If all of us could have such dreams! I couldn't begin to tell you when the last time I had a man's face between my thighs... Count yourself lucky, at least your dream ‘Ethan’ didn't ask you to perform orally for him." I quickly looked away, she leaned in. "Did he ask you?"
I quickly shook my head, blonde curls danced in my peripheral vision. "No. I...I gave it to him willingly, without his asking!"
The old woman patted my knee, "It must have something to do with the sphere. I believe it is readying you to become a complete female, in mind as well as body." She smiled and nodded to her own theory, "I think it is preparing you to know how to react... and act as a woman would when the time is needed."
I sat up in shock, "Its bad enough looking like a young woman, I don't think I could ever consummate as one. No…Not at all!" I said with a shudder.
The old woman stood and leaned against the rail, her gaze was out across the mirrored surface of the pond. "Tell me, Sarah, do you get a strange tingle when you see the field hands come in from their work? Do you feel your eyes lingering on their firm bodies? Do you ever wonder what it would be like...” She turned to face me; I had my hands against my cheeks covering my eyes. A soft sob broke from my lips as I began to cry. "I'll take that as a 'yes'," she stated flatly.
"All of those things are happening to me, everything you said!" I buried my face into gloved hands. "If I think on it too much... I can bring myself to a…well, you know! Only, when I think of them... they all have Ethan's face!"
She smiled and sighed, "Your soul has linked with the man who is Sarah's husband. She loved him dearly and you are being 'trained' to think of him in the same way." I felt my chin drop, and I quickly looked down into my lap. "What is it... what is it, child?" She said, touching my arm ever so lightly. "Are you feeling poorly?"
"I...I'm not sure... but... I think I may have just peed myself." I flushed with embarrassment.
She laughed, "It isn't pee, silly girl. Your water has broken and the child is ready to see his mother. By tonight, it will be suckling from your breast and you will be whispering words of love into its tiny ear."
I trembled with the fear of the unknown as she called out to several blacks who were working in the gardens; each dropped what they had and ran to my aid. Gently they assisted me back into the house, a large behemoth of a man carrying me the entire way. Once inside, the women removed my clothing, readying me for a long and tiresome evening.
Chapter 14
The entire labor was surreal; I remembered leaning against a mountain of pillows while a mid-wife tried to get me to focus on my breathing. Vaguely, I remember the door swing partly open and a small bearded man sticking his head inside, "Do I have time to clean up?" It was the doctor.
As one, there were four women who simultaneously turned and said, "No!" The baby was well on its way, I would be a mother in a very short while. As the little doctor pulled at the head protruding from between my thighs, he scolded me so I would stop the pushing. Resisting the urge against what my body was pleading me to do, my legs began to shake as I held my ground for what seemed like several minutes. However, as soon as he told me to push on the next contraction, the baby was ushered into the world in one supreme move. I felt my body suddenly relax, falling into the pillows in complete exhaustion.
I rose my face up and struggled to see what was happening beyond my sight, I could feel the sweat as it dripped from my face, but somehow it was all moot as I found I was more interested in the care of the child I had carried! The doctor quickly cut and tied off the umbilical that was strange to see had been tethered to me; he cleaned off the infant and hurriedly wrapped it in a soft, warm blanket.
"Sarah, here is the second miracle of your young life…would you care to meet your son?" He gently placed the child in my arms. "He is very healthy!" he said smiling.
Keeza looked over his shoulder. "He's so small," she observed. "Ain't nothing like my Cliff... that boy was thirteen pounds at birth!"
The doctor laughed when he stood back up, "And if I remember right, he's almost 300 pounds today!" He pointed at the baby, "This one has quite a ways to go before he'll be that size."
"How much do you figure he weighs, doctor?" asked my mother.
The doctor brushed his chin. "If he's lucky, he might be six pounds, but I doubt if he would be much more than that. He’s pretty tiny."
I felt my heart jump. "Will he be okay?" I asked.
The doctor smiled, "Yes, Sarah, he'll be just fine... that is, once you name the poor boy!"
Mother touched the baby's tiny forehead, pressed slightly out of shape from the birthing process. "There will be plenty of time later for that."
I beamed as I looked into that angelic face, still fresh from the womb... MY womb. "I'll not go another moment without giving him a proper Christian name." In a moment of feeling the homey nostalgia, I smiled upward at my mother, "I'm going to name him Samuel Ethan Whitmore."
Mother sat down upon a chair; tears were forming in her eyes. I smiled at her as the child in my arms began to squirm. "You...you named him after your father?"
I nodded, "And his father as well."
Mrs. Penny... mother stood and stared down at both of us, tears glistening in her eyes. "That's the single, most beautiful thing you could have done, Sarah! Your father would have been honored."
I glanced at Miss Lilly, "Somehow, I just felt that it should be that way." Miss Lilly smiled and tipped her head slightly as she rose to her feet.
"We need to give a mother time to be alone with her new baby. Let us leave so she may nurse the child and rest." She waited as each of them filed past, and the last to leave was my mother.
As the door closed I looked around, for the first time in my life I had a greater responsibility thrust upon me... I was a mother! In my slender arms I held my son, a son who only a few hours earlier was tucked in a small ball, safe within my womb. I gently removed the cloth that covered my swollen breasts.
"We're going to learn how to do something together, aren't we Samuel?" He nuzzled right in as I held him before my teat, and soon he was drinking deeply the life-giving substance that my body produced. "Today I began my journey as a mother... your mother." I sighed as I leaned back and looked upward into the ceiling. "This is a far cry different than what I had once expected my life to become just months ago." I whispered aloud.
I slowly closed my eyes, soothed to sleep by the gentle nuzzling of a contented infant as he suckled his mother's breast...my breast.
Chapter 15
The sun was warm; a light breeze was blowing from the south. I relaxed on a bench that was placed under a huge ancient Mimosa tree, its fragrant, pink blossoms creating a heavenly scent. It was June, and I had just put little Samuel down for a nap and stole away to rest for a few fleeting moments. I sighed and closed my eyes, allowing the gently caressing breeze to ease my tired mind.
"Mrs. Sarah?" A soft voice called out.
I opened my eyes and looked down the path; it was Jonah, a young boy who was sent into town to retrieve our mail. "The Postmaster gave me this letter to give to you."
I smiled and took it from him, "Thank you, Jonah." I replied and turned it over to where I could see the return address. What I saw caused me to tremble... "E. Whitmore." I gasped, glancing up quickly, to see if the boy was watching for my reaction. Fortunately, he was already in the distance, racing off to who knows where. Again my eyes were drawn to the envelope, and with a deep breath, I broke the seal and removed the letter from the inside with a trembling hand.
Trying to gather the courage to read, I closed my eyes once again, almost able to hear my own heart as it pounded within my feminine chest. It had been nearly a year since anyone had heard from Ethan. Not since, he and I... Sarah... My eyes were pulled up to the stately home, directly to the window that was the nursery. I swallowed hard and unfolded his letter.
My Dearest Sarah,
God, I miss your tender touch, the smell of your hair... your soft skin next to mine. I must explain why I've been unable to send any letters to you... please don't be angry with me my love, it could not be helped.
Our first skirmish after I returned from leave was fought at what seemed like the very gates of Hell. The damnable Union set up on the Donelson River and pounded away at us from their gunboats. They kept firing at our positions until Fort Donelson was forced to surrender! There were so many Confederate dead that I thought I would become ill from the sight alone. Even though our unit had fought bravely, there were too many casualties. I was captured when we surrendered. Very few of us remained unscathed. Those of us who survived were rounded up and headed north. We rode in rail cars for almost two days, healthy young soldiers along with the injured and dying. Cold and hungry, they took us somewhere up north. We were unloaded, in a miserable place; I heard one of the Yanks say it was called Camp Douglas... somewhere in Illinois.
Our conditions there were deplorable. They kept thousands of us penned up like common livestock in a camp that was meant to only hold about half of what was there. One of my best friends here, Donald Sullivan, fell ill. He was the young man who sold Glory Girl, your Appaloosa, to your father. The poor soul died yesterday afternoon, not from battle wounds but from common illnesses that we would have been able to treat in a few days back home... I couldn't stand it anymore, I had to get away!
A few nights ago, when darkness fell, I was able to slip through an opening in a fence and escape. I hid in a wagon and escaped into the night. I'm sending this letter from a small town in northern Kentucky. I've been able to scrounge up enough money to purchase an old nag horse, and will be heading out as soon as I am able to mail this letter. Hopefully, I will beat the letter home, and all of this will be moot. My lovely Sarah... I'm coming home.
With my undying love,
Ethan
Sudden fear gripped my heart, I attempted to place the letter back into the envelope, but I was unable to do so! I was shaking so badly that I dropped it upon the ground twice. Finally I stood and hid the envelope and the letter in the folds of my skirts, afraid for anyone to see what I had in my possession.
"Ethan is returning home..." I gasped, knowing the full extent of that simple phrase. "I've been able to force myself to be a mother to a child who doesn't know any different... but can I become a wife to a man I've never met?" My mind waffled between knowing who I once was, to who I've become. Deep down, I knew that Ethan would think of me only as his wife! The greatest part of that fear was accepting what I had become and completely turning my back on what I once was! My mind raced, "Should I gladly take him and love him as a returning husband should be welcomed, especially after escaping from a Yankee prison camp? Or should I flee for my very life, putting as many miles from this place as I possibly could?" I took two steps and pulled up short, realizing that once again, Sarah was making her presence known. I sighed deeply and continued walking, unable to reason with myself that I just referred to a Union prison camp as 'Yankee' ...just as Sarah would have done.
Again the torment of my emotions reared itself as my heart began to beat wildly, knowing that Ethan would expect me to fall into his arms, happily accepting the role of his wife and as mother to his child! "I...I can't let him do this to me! Somewhere deep inside of me is still that young man from Indiana, and I'll not lose that to his wants and desires to this body!" I argued. "I'll not give up what I once was, without a fight! I can't let them take that away!"
Maybe it was unreasonable, but I knew exactly what I had to do! "I'll run and go north where they'll never find me!" But…but what of the child? What of Samuel? Deep sadness crept into my throat; could I do that to him? Could I desert my son, and deprive him of a mother's love?
I stopped and stamped my tiny foot in the dust, "He's not my child!" I hissed. But then, I hung my head in a fit of tears. Deep down, I knew I could never leave Samuel... he had truly become my son and I would die for him if I had to!
I knew it was settled; I turned and faced the huge stately home with great determination. I would run away and take Samuel with me! Defiantly and confidently, I approached the house. I knew exactly where we would go, back to my boyhood home... back to my parents... back to Indiana! I would prove to them all that I could still control my destiny even if I was trapped in this young mother's body!
Set in the backdrop of Tennessee during the American Civil War, a young, underage soldier is separated from his unit after a fierce battle. While trying to locate them, he inadvertently stumbles into mortal danger on a very dark and quiet evening. With nowhere to run, Jeremy must learn to accept the changes that have been wrought upon his body... changes that may prevent him from ever returning home again!
Chapter 16
I caught them all off guard. Over the last several weeks they had relaxed their watch over me. So, the first chance I got, Samuel, Jonah and I took our little buggy and headed off for a quick visit to town. That was the story I had given them, but I had no intention of stopping there... nor ever returning home. The youngster, Jonah, was my driver and at about five miles away from the plantation, I had him stop the buggy.
"I can take it from here, Jonah." I took the reins from his hands.
"Ma'am?" He looked at me with astonishment as I pointed toward the side of the road with a nod of my head.
"You can get out here, and head back home." I waited as he climbed down to the ground, then, without a second glance, snapped the reins and drove away leaving the perplexed youth watching me as I disappeared.
Chapter 17
By late June, war had moved further east and I was able to drive the buggy relatively safely into Kentucky. There I sold the buggy and used the money to take a train further north to Vincennes, Indiana. There I changed trains, and headed into Indianapolis. From there, I took a stage and rode on toward my old home... well, the home where I lived as a youth.
Only once did a person look at me strangely; it occurred when Samuel and I were acquiring a stage in Indianapolis. The man in the stage station eyed me suspiciously, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
"I was raised here," I answered with a smile as I held Samuel to my shoulder.
"Ain't nobody 'round here have an accent like yours," he scowled.
"Accent?" I laughed, and then suddenly realized that I no longer spoke like those around me. The thicker Tennessee drawl of Sarah's made me stick out like a sore thumb. "Oh, I'm sorry..." I lied, "I've been stuck in the south since I was about eight or nine."
"Ever since you was a little girl?" He studied me from under his bushy eyebrows.
"Yes, ever since I was a little...girl." I winced at my own comment... but with this body I was now confined inside, made it all the more realistic.
Thankfully, nothing more had been said as he warily passed me the ticket. By that very noon we were rolling away from the big city and slowly heading toward...home. It was an alien thought to me, finally heading toward MY home. I would be lying if I didn't admit that it was with an eager anticipation that I felt. I was so excited, wondering what they would think of Samuel and...It was as though a great tidal surge of revelation washed over me: neither of my parents would recognize me or my child! To them, I was just another spoiled southern woman, fleeing north from the ravages of war. My father had been a very tough man; to him I was the enemy! I hid my face from the others who were seated inside the coach, afraid that they would see my tears. I held Samuel closer and kissed his tender cheek. "How could I have been so stupid?" I mouthed the words to the infant, so none could hear. I held the boy close, and with Samuel's blanket softly sobbed into it.
As the coach began to slow down, I glanced back up; we were almost to our old lane, but the boyhood home I was trying to escape to... didn't feel much like home anymore. As our coach stopped, I stepped to the door, taking my small satchel with me. With an aching heart, I carried Samuel down the short steps with the help of a driver. There I stood and faced the lane. Behind me the driver had already climbed to his seat and was picking up the reins.
As I heard him pulling away, I cried and stood at the end of the path. Finally, I turned and watched them disappear over the small rise. With a painful swallow, I took a hesitant step forward, knowing that I could remain in this land no more than I could give up my son. I felt like an orphan, with not one place on this earth that I could consider my home... anymore.
Like a criminal walking toward the gallows, I closed the distance to the old house. It was a home that almost seemed like it was from another lifetime. I passed our family cemetery, and I saw the marker of both my former grandfather and grandmother. Beside them, stood the new stone of my own! A sob stuck in my throat, as I realized who was buried under that marker. Crying, I sat the bag down in the grass and carried Samuel with me. Closer and closer we moved toward the iron fence that surrounded the fresh plot. It was as though I was approaching the corpse of a very close, dead relative. I felt my knees almost buckle as I supported my weight on the iron fence.
From behind me, a voice stabbed the quietness. "What brings you to these parts, Ma'am?"
I shrieked at the sudden sound of the man's voice.
"I...I came to visit the people who live at the house," I stammered, quickly turning to face the deep voice.
"They ain't been anyone live here since they buried the boy." He said, pointing to the new stone. "I've been farming the land since I bought the place, and that's been almost six months ago."
I trembled and held little Samuel closer, fighting back the tears that stung my eyes. I looked from my cemetery stone to the boy in my arms. "Do...do you know where they went?" I could feel my heart pounding in my breast... alone... my parents left me alone!
He shrugged, "Don't rightly know. I think they said they was heading toward Oregon or California... I don't know for sure, somewhere out west they said. Away from their hurt at the loss of the boy... his death left a huge hole in their hearts. His ma told me that they wanted to move on with their lives and put all of this behind them."
He watched me for a moment, "The child there in your arms... was he the boy's youngin'?" As he spoke he pointed toward the newest marker.
I studied the stone through a watery blur, and tears began to roll. Slowly, I shook my head, wiping away the tears as they fell from my eyes. "No. He was... he was..." I buried my face in Samuel's blanket once again and cried.
He pulled his hat down from his head and nodded, "Sorry for your loss, ma'am... uh... this place ain't nowhere for a lady to stay... uh... will you be needing a ride back to town?"
I looked toward the western sky, into the direction my parents had gone, then back down the lane I had just walked. They had moved on with life, could I? Should I? After what seemed like long moments, I straightened up and knew what I must do. Nodding to the kindly man, I spoke with a controlled voice. "Yes, could you please?"
"No problem, ma'am," he said as he and I walked the short distance to his buckboard. He took the child from my arms, then helped me into the seat before gently handing him back. He then drove me in silence to town and deposited me at the door to the stagecoach office.
Holding my young son, I watched the man drive away, once again toward the old homestead. My parents were right, I knew that I too must move on with my life... but to where? Perhaps I could search for them, telling them that I was my... their son's wife and Samuel was their grandson. But I knew, I couldn't follow them... the pain of my death would be a constant reminder to them. No longer was I related, no longer did their blood flow in my veins. I had to go... but... to where? A sudden voice behind me brought me back into my senses.
"Where to?" A little bald man asked from behind his counter.
I smiled sadly, I knew what I had to say. "Home. We're heading home."
He eyed me for a moment, then shrugged and began to fill out a ticket. "And judging by your accent, I'd say you ain't from around here?" It was more of a question than an observation.
I stared at Samuel and slowly smiled, "No sir, we're both from Clarksville, Tennessee."
"Were you trying to escape the war up here?" he asked, handing me my ticket.
With a determined smile, I got a better grip on Samuel, bouncing him higher up on my chest. "I...I wanted to... but somewhere along the way, I'm pretty sure that I found where I belong."
He gave me a strange look, raising his eyebrows as he stamped several papers spread out before him, "Well, the coach will return around noon. You can wait inside here until it comes." He directed me to a long bench that spanned one wall. I took a seat and played with Samuel's tiny hands. There, in that station, I realized that the only place for me was back in Clarksville.
Somehow I must learn to accept the role that this destiny had given me, learn to accept how Ethan would see me. I knew it wouldn't be easy, I thought, gently stroking Samuel's back until he drifted off to sleep. We waited there on that long bench for our coach. I smiled to myself, we were going...home.
Chapter 18
I sat alone for most of the ride south, only pausing to change coaches in Indianapolis. It had only been a matter of days since I had passed through the very same station, the familiarity helped ease the rigors of my return journey. After boarding the coach to Vincennes, I sat staring out the window as we rolled along the road, constantly driving me to the one place that I knew this body I possessed would be welcome...home.
My mind was still washed with turmoil as I rode inside that dusty coach; cradled within my slender arms was little Samuel. I smiled as he slept, his perfect little fist balled up beneath his rounded chin. I touched his fingers and sighed, I could never take Samuel away from the father who sired him. It was the least I could do for the young mother who once carried this bundle within her womb. I glanced upward and watched the trees rolling past; only the motion of the wheels and steady clop, clop of the horses was all I could hear. Somewhere beneath the coach, a chain dangled, its bell-like tones making it sound like a sleigh.
I leaned back into the seat, allowing my bonnet to just touch the dusty cushion. I was so tired, and I needed to rest. Closing my eyes, I wondered if Ethan had finally arrived home. Would I recognize him? Would I be able to respond like he would want his wife to respond? Would he be angry at me for leaving? The storm of questions swirled in my mind like a blizzard, but one answer common to all was that it was right for me to be traveling home... a home where 'Sarah' belonged.
I thought about all the people with whom I had come into contact since I had become Sarah. Did I fool them? Did they actually think of me as Sarah? Did Keeza or Miss Lilly ever find themselves forgetting who I once was? I doubted it. As I would grow older, would I forget who I once had been? Could I ever tell Ethan and Samuel what had really happened to their wife and mother? Then I laughed slightly and shook my head; that was one question, which surely would put me into an asylum... no, that answer would have to be buried with me.
I sat up and rubbed my hand over my eyes. Sleep seemed impossible, my brain kept thinking, unable to rest. But I was so tired. The choice seemed simple, either I accept being Sarah... or I didn't. But why was I fighting it so much? I once again looked at Samuel. He didn't know of my past. He didn't care that his mommy had once been a Union soldier from Indiana. To him, mommy had always been this petite blonde-haired woman from the town of Clarksville, Tennessee.
I smiled as he stirred, opening his little eyes and yawning. This precious bundle wouldn't care of my past. To him, my former life would be nothing but a great imaginary story that his mommy told. He gave me a short smile then gradually let his eyes close once again in sleep, comforted in his mother's arms. I nodded to myself, I must continue as Sarah for him. No matter what his father would want of me, I would accept the role that this destiny has placed upon my shoulders. I would become Sarah Whitmore, for both Ethan and Samuel.
Almost as soon as I had accepted my life as it had been laid out for me... I felt a great peace wash over my entire being. I gathered Samuel to my body, hugging and kissing his soft cheek, knowing that as long as a breath was still left in my body... I would be his mother. Moving into a more comfortable position, I slept, finally able to rid myself of the mental burden that I carried. Finally able to let go of that young soldier from Indiana, finally able to turn into the sun and walk forward with my head held high. I was a Whitmore now, and would remain one until the day I die.
Chapter 19
My heart beat faster as the open carriage pulled up at the end of our plantation gate. "Sarah, I can take you all the way up, it's really no trouble at all." Mr. Alderman, the Station Manager spoke. He wasn’t feeling comfortable leaving a woman, let alone the daughter of a close personal friend and her young child so far away from her door.
I smiled and took his hand, stepping down to the ground, holding Samuel, firmly into my chest with my other hand. "I'll be fine. This is something that I have to do."
"Well, it's always a pleasure, ma'am." He smiled and tipped his hat, "Tell your mother and Ethan that I wish them well."
I nodded demurely and smiled as he slowly turned his carriage around and headed back toward town. With a deep breath, I began to walk toward the stately home and its grand columns. As I walked, I could see many of the slaves pause in their work and watch me pass. I smiled and gave them a short wave, a few of them, unsure as to what they were seeing actually waved back.
I smiled inwardly, some of the old me was still alive and well inside this feminine body. Often, I wondered: just how the original Sarah had treated those captives who tended her father's lands? Was she nice to them or were they nothing more than cattle? I was determined that I would never allow myself to ever take a human being for granted. I knew that this way of life would end someday soon, and when it did, these slaves would be set free. I wanted our plantation to be one of the first plantations to allow the free men to go if they wished. Those who would stay, should be compensated fairly for their labor.
The closer I walked toward the Samuel Pike Plantation, the greater my heart beat with fear. Was I doing the right thing? How would Ethan respond after he knew I had run away? Each step brought me closer to those answers. Each step brought me closer to the outcome, which would shape my life from this day forward. Nearby I could see Miss Lilly; she had paused in her gardening, moving closer to the lane as I drew to her still form.
"Glad to see you've come back, Sarah." She gave me a slight nod. "You know that Ethan has returned as well?"
I took a deep breath and nodded quickly, glancing down the last hundred feet toward the great stairs that led into the house. "I know."
She studied me for a moment, then looked down at Samuel. "The boy seems well."
I bristled slightly, swinging my eyes right at her. "Of course he's well! I AM his mother, I DO see to the needs of my own child!"
She patted my hand, "I know, child. I know. But... sometimes I need to see it for myself."
"Is Mother angry?" I asked fearfully. The look on Miss Lilly's face spoke volumes.
"She isn't exactly pleased." She gave me a swift smile, "She doesn't take kindly for a young woman to be out on her own, especially one with a small child." Taking me by the arm, she walked with me toward the house, "Just where exactly did you go?"
I glanced toward her, knowing full well that she wasn't fooling anyone. Deep down, I knew she already suspected where I had gone... I just think she wanted me to say it aloud. I shifted Samuel to my other shoulder before speaking, "I went back to Indiana. I wanted to see my folks."
"And did you?" she asked, her cane swinging out before both of our skirts while we walked.
I shook my head, "They were gone, moved west after... the old me was buried."
She glanced at me from the corner of her eye, "I'm surprised you didn't follow them."
"I thought about it, but... I knew where I was needed." I was looking directly at her by the time I finished the sentence, I wanted to see her reaction. Although, if I had been waiting for some great reveal of surprise, I was mistaken.
She smiled instead, "I knew you would return." Again we walked, stopping when I came to the bottom of the great curved steps. With only a moment of hesitation, I began my ascent.
Beside me stepped the older woman, her voice was calm and steady. "Climbing these steps is much like the life you've come to know. At the bottom, you were confused, unsure of whether you were making the right choices. As you climb, you come to realize that there was really only one choice that would make sense... acceptance. As you step out on the top, you are only a woman, only a mother, holding her son protectively to her chest... in search of the man with which you are bound. You're life is now complete."
"Not yet," I sighed, "There's still one more thing I need to do."
"Oh?" She began to move toward the ornate doors, a young black man held them open for us to enter. "And... what would that be, child?"
"I must face Ethan... as a woman." I swallowed, wishing that I would have never returned.
"To him, you are no mere woman. To him, you are his bride. To him, you are the mother of his son." She pointed out the obvious.
I nodded slowly as we both turned to movement behind us, and we saw that it was the young girl, Rose. "It's good to have you back, Ma'am."
She took Samuel and smiled, "I'll see to the boy, Ma'am. You can freshen up in your room."
I paused at the first step of the great winding stairs, "Ethan? Is he...?" She followed my pointing finger.
"No ma'am. He went to see his father, he should be returning shortly." She gave me a short curtsey and walked briskly away with Samuel. I followed her out with my eyes, and then slowly turned them back up the stairs.
"Go on, child. Go freshen up for your husband." She gently gave my elbow a push. Then she stepped back to watch me climb the stairs toward my chamber... toward OUR chambers.
I stood quietly at my doorway, with a deep breath I stepped in, walking directly toward the low dresser with the pitcher of water and bowel. Staring into the wide mirror, I slowly tugged at the ribbon of my bonnet, drawing it out until the knot fell. I gradually removed it and placed it on the edge of the dresser, then poured the water into the porcelain basin. Splashing the cool water over my face, felt both refreshing and helped keep my mind clear. Giving myself a quick pat dry, I placed my towel over the spindle at the end of the dresser. Raising my head, I smiled at my reflection, as both hands deftly began to work at the bun.
As the hairpin was removed, a great cascading waterfall of flaxen hair fell about my neck and shoulders. Once again, I was mesmerized by the reflection of myself in the mirror. Just who was the young woman playing with a lock of her hair? I sighed deeply and began to brush the tangles out, when movement in the doorway caught my eyes.
It was Ethan.
"They told me that you returned," he whispered, still remaining where he stood. "I just want to know... was it because of another man that you left?"
Saying nothing, I turned to face him. I could see why Sarah had loved him so much... he was very handsome, his good looks caused the heart within my young breast to beat rapidly. Neither of us moved a step, as each seemed to be waiting for the other to make the first move. Finally he let his eyes drift downward, his gaze upon the swirling pattern of the rug. "I understand..." He spoke softly, his jaw muscles flexing, struggling hard to hold back his emotions.
I stood silently, frozen like a statue, unable to say a word! He took my silence as an admission of guilt, a guilt that was misplaced. How could I not tell him the truth? He deserved to know, didn't he? It tore at my heart to see his shoulders slump in great sadness, as he turned and disappeared from my view.
Suddenly, my wits returned to my head. Quickly throwing the brush upon the floor, I hurried toward the empty doorway where he had only stood moments before. "Ethan?" I called.
I heard him moving rapidly down the stairs, finally hesitating at midpoint. I raced to the ornate banister and peered over its edge, "Wait!" I called to him, my voice echoing in the stillness of the great room. Standing at the bottom of the stairs were Miss Lilly and Keeza. Both were intently watching Ethan and me.
Ethan's eyes held back the tears that glistened at the corners, his voice shaking with emotion. "Did he share our bed while I was gone?"
I couldn't speak; my mouth opened, but nothing would come out! So I shook my head from side to side, and feminine tears rolled slowly down my soft cheeks. "Who was he, then? Why did you chase after him with our son?"
My eyes quickly danced toward Miss Lilly, hoping she would come to my rescue and tell him all the things I knew I couldn't! But she said nothing, and only stood like a silent sentinel at the base of the stairs.
Ethan took a step up toward me, his tears now visible, and his lips trembling. I felt my knees growing weak, my breath was racing... I needed to say something, before it was too late!
Suddenly, my mother was standing at the top of the stairs, her eyes moving between the two of us. The relief of seeing me was evident in her eyes, and she ran to me and enveloped me in a motherly hug. "Did you find his grave?"
I nodded and whispered, "Yes."
Ethan gave us both a stunned look. "Who’s grave?"
Mother moved down the several steps that were between us and gently took Ethan's hand and began to lead him back upward. "A young Yankee soldier."
"A Yank? Here?" He paused once again, "Did he do anything to harm you?" His voice became stronger, his tone protective.
"No, Ethan," I replied softly, "The young man did nothing to harm any of us."
"But what we did to the poor soul was more than he deserved," Mother sighed, letting her eyes fall to the polished floor. "We killed him."
"Killed?" Ethan spoke, sounding shocked. "If he was a Yank..."
"He was just a boy!" I responded before he could finish his comment, I was afraid to hear what I assumed he would say. "…No older than I am!"
"...why didn't you just give his body back to the Yanks?" He finished, and then frowned. "As for him being a boy... many of those 'boys' killed some of your fellow countrymen." Then as his eyes pierced my soul, his tone softened considerably. "Many of our 'boys'... killed his countrymen too." Ethan sighed deeply and began to climb the stairs toward me. "Truth is, we need to end this damn war and get both the Union and Confederates back together as one nation...in peace once again. Only then will war leave us for good."
He stopped before me, gently taking my hand and pulling me toward his embrace. He buried his face in my hair and gave me an enormous hug, holding me for a long, long time. As we parted, I realized that Mother, Mrs. Lilly and Keeza were all gone.
"I'm sorry that you had to see first-hand what war was like, Sarah."
I nodded, though he really had no idea how much 'war' I had really seen.
He kissed my fingers, holding them to his lips for a very long time. "Did you miss me?" he asked, moving my golden hair from my shoulder.
"Greatly," I replied softly.
He looked down, his eyes seemed to be fixed upon the cleavage of my chest. "I promised myself that when I arrived home... I'd put you in bed and not let you leave for several days."
"Do you still feel that way now?" I asked, unsure of whether I wanted him to answer.
He smiled leaning in, and kissed me. "I'd sure like to try."
I began to pull him toward the nursery, at the door I pointed toward our sleeping son. "What about Samuel?" I asked softly. "Don't you want to see him first?"
"Sure... but he's sleeping." He softly replied, looking toward our son.
I stepped to the end of his bassinet, Ethan stood beside me. "He's sleeping... but, you're not." I said with a smile.
I felt his hand gently grasp my hip, turning me to face him, "I just noticed something... He said smiling down at me, ...this is a big room, and our son looks lonely."
"And you figure on making him less lonely?" I smiled, knowing I would do what was expected of me.
"If you'll let me..." he said with a huge smile.
Chapter 20
I stood in the brilliant sunlight holding Abigail tightly as Ethan swung down from his horse, his hair was in disarray, his uniform faded and dirty... but I didn't care, he was alive! Little Samuel ran toward him and hugged his father's tall riding boot, eying the gleaming saber that hung from his daddy's side. In one great move, the tot was hoisted to Ethan's chest where he was given a massive hug.
As soon as his eyes fell upon me, he crossed the short expanse of stone and began up the steps. Bounding upward, he stopped just before me, slowly returning Samuel to the porch floor. He kissed his daughter tenderly upon the forehead, her tiny blonde curls wavering gently in the breeze. He eased her from my arms and gave her a hug, his tears glistening his eyes for this was the first time he had seen his daughter. Slowly, he handed her to my mother, then returned to once again face me. Instantly he wrapped his strong arms around me and drew me close, smothering me under his loving kisses.
We cried, everyone who was there to see him finally home! Ethan, Mother, Samuel, Keeza, Miss Lilly...Me...All relieved to finally have him home for good. As he sobbed into my shoulder, I looked upward and felt the tears rolling from my eyes. "Is it really over? Did General Lee actually surrender?" I cried.
"I was at Appomattox, and I saw him sign the surrender. It's over." He unhooked his saber and handed it to Samuel, "I had to turn in my pistol. They wanted this, too... but their General Grant told his boys to let me keep it."
I bent down and gently removed it from Samuel's tiny grasp, "You can have it when you're older..." He gave me the 'Aw, Mommy...' look but I only replied with a loving smile. He knew; he didn't have to ask.
Ethan gently touched my chin, turning my face toward his own. Our lips met in a soft kiss, slowly building in passion until the saber hitting the porch flooring broke our focus. As I pulled my face slowly away, I opened my eyes. My heart was beating as fast as it could possibly go, I would have sworn that it could be heard by everyone. I took a deep breath, my stomach felt like hundreds of thousands of little butterflies suddenly took flight, all at the same time. It seemed to happen every time Ethan would kiss me, it just made me long for his company all that much more.
I could feel the dampness from the hunger I felt for Ethan, knowledge of what was to come later when we were alone. My body was in such a state of arousal that my legs were shaking with anticipation, my breasts felt as they were tipped with little wooden knots. I stepped backward and slowly let out my breath, Samuel began to tap my leg causing me to look down.
"You dropped this, Mommy." In his hands he held the saber. I smiled mischievously, and took it from him. Ethan grinned and bounced his eyebrows.
My husband then leaned close to my ear, his breath sending a shiver of desire, down my spine. "Later on, if you want, I'll let you hold mine."
I covered my smirk as he escorted me inside, behind us followed Mother with Abigail, Samuel, Keeza and Miss Lilly. I gently touched Ethan's hand, leaning close to his ear I whispered, "Oh, I want. I want."
Chapter 21
In our bedroom that night, I held him tightly. He... my Ethan, had pushed me beyond the greatest heights I had ever known! Holding me there, keeping my arousal at this lofty pinnacle until the bright flashes and colorful swirls faded and I was once again, able to breathe. There we remained locked in our lover's embrace until the last gasps of the amazing afterglow I was feeling, slowly subsided.
I kissed him as he gently nuzzled my neck, erotically working his tender kisses upward toward my ear. I smiled and sighed with pleasure. I didn't want this night to end, I wanted to remain in his arms forever.
I had come a long, long way... I had two beautiful children to thank him for! With luck, another would be on the way very soon. For now, I was content with just laying here, being held by him... as his loving wife, Sarah.
You may ask, did I ever think back about when I was once a man? No, not really. Ethan was man enough for me. Besides, now that he was home for good... I planned on letting him prove it every chance he can.