Life as female in male body

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I wonder if I’m alone in my musings and suffering. A woman passes me in the hall at work and smiles and all I can think of is how incredible it would be to change places with her if even for a moment. By the time I get back to my desk I’m still agonizing over her smell and the coppery tone to her long hair. My heart is fluttering and my mind becomes a useless pile of mush. I stare at my screen unable to move on with my work for minutes, and sometimes hours. “What I would give… what I would give…”

The truth is I’d give almost anything to become that which I’ll never be. If magic existed and I was offered a chance at a new life as a woman, I’d take it. Merely writing those words compounds the massive guilt I already feel within me. The damage of magically becoming a woman would be catastrophic. My family, friends, wife of nearly thirty years, and son in his early twenties would never understand.

If my wife knew the fantasies I must dream in order for us to make love it would devastate her. My secret rips at the very center of my own identity and hinders my relationships with others. I’ll die with my torrid torment having never uttered a word verbally that I’m irrevocably female inside a male body. So great is the secret and with nothing that can be done that I suffer unable to share my innermost being with those I love the most.

I realized something was wrong with me ever since I was twelve years old when in my dreams I started to be female. This didn’t happen every night, but once or twice a week and has continued my entire life. I began to hate who I was and looked upon other males with contempt. Back then, things were manageable. I played soccer and sports and was good in school and I was able to distract myself for days and sometimes weeks at a time. However, over time, my inward battle became intense, to the point now in my mid-fifties, the pressure is relentless.

I’ve often wondered if my thoughts were of my own creation; that somehow, through the growing up years of bullying brutes and first sexual encounters, that my brain latched onto the concept that being female would be preferable. And yet, a number of years ago I learned that my mother had taken Diethylstilbestrol (DES) while I was forming in her womb. This estrogen booster was prescribed by her doctor to reduce complications with pregnancy. I’ve discovered that many men whose mothers took DES struggle with identity disorders. I can’t tell you what a relief it was to know that perhaps I wasn’t making any of this up; that portions of my brain developed female in a bath of supplemented estrogen. Finding this information caused me palpable excitement followed by a “so what” moment. No matter what the cause, I still must live the way I am and with my secret closely guarded.

I know there are things that can be done, but at six-two and two hundred twenty-five pounds the frightful reality is I’d make an ugly woman that is unable to pass in society. I’ve been told that estrogen supplements, even a minor dosage, helps alleviate the symptoms but to what gain? I’m sure some psychologist out there might be reading this and thinking this guy is a mess. Maybe I am, but I’m also a realist. Any external thing I do to help reduce my condition would prove detrimental to my family and I won’t put them through the pain for my limited gain. My only therapy has been writing and sometimes I wonder if that isn’t helping me.

I write stories about men becoming women to release my brain from its unending quest to fix me. For brief moments as I write, I’m that new woman in my story, lost in the wonder of what many women might take for granted. I muse about what it would be like to be removed from the everyday stereotypes of being a man. To be smaller and more agile. To have long hair and wear beautiful clothing. To be free to be me. I ponder if I’d be more social and caring or what I would do with twenty hours a day with my brain not screaming at me.

Every time I see a woman, which is a lot since I’m married to one and live in a city with women all around, my mind starts churning afresh and I contemplate my future. I both fear and look forward to death, which is probably a healthy balance. I fear death in that I would leave behind the foundational loving relationships that keep me grounded, my family. The idea that when I die I might be what I am now forever scares the hell out of me. I’m afraid to ponder that death might bring relief in that I might finally be who I should be after death as then I’ll look forward to it too much.

Am I alone in all of this?

Every Day

littlerocksilver's picture

I know what you are experiencing.

Portia

Ugly Woman

There are a lot of "ugly" women. There are a lot of women who weigh more than 225 and are taller than 6'2".

Being a female is complex and has little to do with what is accepted as beauty or overall size.

By the way --- There are many, many of us who feel exactly like you do. That's part of why we write and read fiction.

Jill

Angela Rasch (Jill M I)

Women

I'm an ugly woman, and so what? It would be nice to be better-looking, but I simply have to play the hand I was dealt. I fill my own bra (Ritchie!) but I am spared PMS, although a daily dose of oestrogen does have its moments!

Angela is spot on. Nobody has a valid book of rules on 'being a woman'.

Not alone

I have for year dreamed of living on the other side, the clothes and the look of just being a smaller lighter person. Call me crazy but wearing a bra and even PMS would be a welcome fantasy if only it could come true. Maybe in the next lifetime I will get the pink card

You are not alone.

Rebecca Jane's picture

I fought with those feelings since I was 6. It was bad enough I tried to talk to my parents when I was 12, back in 1985 in Mississippi that got me quickly signed up for reversion therapy to pray the devil out of me... All it taught me was that I could never tell another soul ever again, I spent my entire life afraid of those same fears, I'm built like a linebacker I'd make one huge horrendous woman.. That's what I told myself. Hiding such a large part of myself like I did almost killed me twice, quite literally.. I couldn't cope anymore about 5 years ago and for me I was faced with two choices, transition or the anxiety was going to starve myself to death. I choose to live, ultimately it cost me my 15 year marriage, but my daughters are still in my life. I actually won custody of my oldest(17 y.o.) last year in Mississippi being openly transgender.

Since I started my transition I realized that with my size I do tend to stick out, but I chose that moment that I'm going to be an educator. If anyone asks me any questions, when they are genuinely trying to understand, I answer them. I also had to make peace with the "dude" I was in the past, that huge masculine shell protected me all this time. If it hadn't been for him I'd never have made it to where I am now, I'd say I'm comfortable with myself. I'd love to say I was able to live happily ever after, but its life and it never happens that way. While I still have struggles, most are every day "normal" people struggles and I can live with that.

As far as that fear of, oh I'll be an ugly woman... Just stop right now and stop doing that to yourself okay. Since I've gotten quite used to doing it already just check this out.. The "guy" on the left is 6'0" and weighs in at a humongous 260lbs... 6 years later, while I'm still 6'0" (well 6'4" with those shoes) and I am at a more trim 200... I know I won't be entering any beauty contests my appearance now is SOOOO much better than I feared for almost 3 decades..

You my friend are not alone.
Rebecca Jane C.

PS I really do love your stories, I hope you keep writing for a long time to come.

BeforeNafter

I know I’m weird. The fact that I’m trans is probably one of the more normal things about me.

It's

Never too late to start if you have the means. Hormones are not for every Trans person, some like it, some don't. Some get surgery, some don't. It doesn't matter what you have or don't have. You're a woman. I would never call you a guy because you are a woman. Bodies don't matter, genitals don't matter. Being a woman is a mindset, it has nothing to do with the body. Maybe you want breasts, a vulva, and soft skin. But if you didn't have that you'd still be a woman.

I know it's hard, but honestly being who you really are can be really affirming but being married can make it harder but not impossible. Having children can make it harder but not impossible. The only thing you cant change, is how others will react to you. You cant control that, and no amount of questioning or testing can prove how they will react. Always expect the worst but hope for the best.

I sincerely wish you the best on your journey.

I know who I am, I am me, and I like me ^^
Transgender, Gamer, Little, Princess, Therian and proud :D

Mirror Mirror

terrynaut's picture

Hey. You sound almost exactly the same as me. I don't have any biological children but I have two step-daughters. Other than that, almost everything else is the same. I'm going to ask my mother if she took DES when she was pregnant with me. Thanks for the information.

That said, I use writing transgender stories as therapy. It does help. So does creating an online persona for my true self. You can be who you want to be online. That helps. There are even websites out there where you can make cartoon versions of your true self. I've made some great drawings using HeroMachine.

I didn't accept my feminine self until I was older so my inner adult woman is in her mid 20s. I also have an inner girl who is stuck at six-years-old. Her name is Alice (Hi Bunny!! You're right above me!!). I'm a complicated person (said with a heavy sigh). Just check out my alternative song lyrics here for a quick taste of my world (*giggle*). Here's the link: Turn to Girl.

I'm still trying to find balance between the masculine and feminine, and it's still a challenge. My hair and nails are very long and I shave entirely too much of my body. Shaving is such a pain! I've been trying some hair removal techniques and they help too.

I wish you good luck on your journey. May you find peace and balance within yourself.

- Terry

P.S. Welcome to Big Closet! *hug* :)

Not too sure about transition ???

I am XXY, non-K, and felt I was a girl very early, like about age 4. I struggled with those feelings my whole life, and transitioned in my late 50s. It's been easier for me because I am only 5'7" and was about 160lbs. I would probably be shorter and smaller but they gave me Testosterone to get my size up to a higher percentile. Inexplicably, I pass very well and seldom see a negative reaction. I'm 70 now, and the total estrangement from my family since 2004 has made it all not worth it. At some point we have to decide if we will live our lives out being held hostage to the expectations of so called "Loved ones". If they really loved you, perhaps they wouldn't be such bullies?

Great feedback - how to cope?

Avia Conner's picture

The feedback so far has been excellent. Clearly I'm not alone out there. Aside from estrogen and transitioning, what do you do to cope? Drink lots of soy milk for fake estrogens? Create online profiles? Write? I'd like to hear some ideas as writing helps me a little but I can't do that all the time.