" 'To make a prairie it takes a clover and one bee,--
One clover, and a bee,
And revery.
The revery alone will do
If bees are few.' "

Letters from Sky
By Jan S
Part 15

 © 2008 by Jan S

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>>Saturday, May 24th (morning)

Hi, Mars!
What you said is a lot like she was lots last fall too, Mar. Sometimes she would just sort of stay in her room or not really say much for a long time. Then she would stop and be real mad, but sometimes she would just go right back to regular. Is she just being real bossy a lot? If you do what she says, or just say you are, she's better.

Anyway, I did get Daddy to talk some about Granpaw and the money, but you know I don't really understand it, and you should just ask him. But Granpaw did have a lot. He bought an old farm no one wanted a long time ago and made money selling it later, like he told me once. And Daddy says he just kept doing that over and over for about forty years and some and, by the time it was a lot, he was old already, and he had that old house he liked with his vegetable garden, and he didn't want more, so he never used the money, and it just got bigger. Sort of like Ms Y., I guess, but Daddy says it's not nearly that much, but could be enough to put his grandkids through medical school, if Michael doesn't become a philosopher, and we don't decide we're rich. That's the way he said it.

And Granpaw put it in three parts, one is divided for us, and one part is hers, and one part is this life thing for her, but she can't use it, only what it makes or something. Don't go into it, OK? So, anyway, she has been taking money form our parts, and Daddy learned about it when the lawyer sent him tax papers because he is my guardian. And she didn't even tell the courts about it, and that could get her put in jail even.

So, OK. That's all I really know. Talk to Daddy, OK?

Love ya lots and lots of hugs,
Sky

P.S.: I didn't even tell you about my new swim suits yet, but I thought that would just seem so silly with the other stuff, so I won't 'til you ask.

Are you scared about it, Marsh?

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Saturday, May 24th (late morning)

Hi, Lisa,
NOOOO! Don't tell your Mom it's a date! Geez, Lis!

It's not really anyway, just say it is going to a movie but there will be boys there is all. I mean everyone is paying, right? So that isn't a date, OK?

I think Amanda could come, I guess. I don't know that many boys around here though; do you know someone she could meet up with? Or I could ask Zack.

OH. I just remembered. You'll never check your mail when you aren't told something is coming. So what am I typing this for? I'll have to call you anyway.

Bye

Smiles,
Sky

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Saturday, May 24th, (early afternoon)
Hey, Mike

How you been? It's been a while since you've written and all. I wish you could come out here for a bit, especially if you don't want to go to her house and all. Why not?

Also, maybe you should call Daddy and talk to him about some things to do with grandpaw's money, OK?

Bye,
Loves, Sky

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Saturday, May 24th (early afternoon)

Hi, Zack,
My parental said it would be all right, but he's going to drop me off and pick me up.

Do you think it would be OK if my friends, Lisa and Amanda, came along too? I told them it was a big group thing.

Do you think that Jeff might like Lisa? Will there be someone there for Amanda to be with too?

I tried to call but only got the machine, so I hope you get this in time. I'm going to go ride my bike for a while, but I've got a cell. It's ---/----. Call me when you get home, 'K? (And you can email me now too again, btw.)

Smiles,
Sky

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Saturday, May 24th (night)

Hi, Marsh!!
Oh boy! You want to hear all about my new suits!! :-)

But I should tell you this while I still remember it: Zack held my hand almost the whole time during the movie tonight. Well, OK, I had to kind of grab it and make him, but he kept putting it on the arm thingy and then moving it back so I had to do something, right?

And, of course Lisa and those guys started giggling about it. And at the end he put his arm on my shoulders, right in front of them. And the movie was pretty good too. But I thought he was being really nice the whole night, and he was really, really trying hard to too. So maybe I was right, huh? Maybe I did tame him after all, like you said doesn't work. :-P

OK, the suits: One, the one I wore yesterday, is royal blue, and has yellow on all the edges. And it's a one piece, they all are, but it has holes in the sides, three on each side, and then there is like just a little almost string connector between each hole, including at the bottom, so the whole of my side almost shows. And it also has a hole where my bellybutton is too (and I really need to get it pierced just for that suit!!) And it has a built in bra and the lining makes it look like I have something there. A little bit anyway.

And there was this really neat suit in the store that had even more holes. You know like cut outs all over, and all different sizes, but never in the places that count, and I'd have liked to have gotten that, but no matter how I moved it around at least three of the holes were right on top of one of my stomach scars, so I got the one with the cut outs on the sides instead.

And that might be my favorite, but I had thought my favorite was the one I'm saving for Monday, when I can actually get in the water. That one is teal, and it has almost no back at all, but just spaghetti straps across the top part, and the bottom has thicker straps on the side, but they don't come up very high on the back, so a bit of my crack shows on top, but just a little bit, Marsh, and the lining, that I have to have for things, isn't on the back part, and it shows a lot of my tush on the sides too; I mean it's no where like a thong, but thin and the connector parts to the front are about two inches thick anyway, so I don't think it looks that skimpy at all. And Kaezee said I was right too. Do you think Daddy will think it's OK?

But the other thing is, see, I always used to think my butt was too big, and it's not real skinny or anything, but it's not really round like. I mean on the sides I've got butt dents. Do you know what I mean? Places where it goes in, instead of being round there. And do you think that is compleatly a boy thing? Kaezee says it is kinda, but people won't really notice and skinny girls might have them too, but I've never looked to see, and don't know. Do you? But anyway I do sort of like it anyway.

OK, and then the last one is neat too because, though it looks like a kind of old fashion one, you know covers lots, if you look at it real close you can tell that it is a mesh and you can see through it, except it has three triangles of lining in those spots, but they are like peach colored so it fools you anyway. And you're supposed to be able to tan right through it, but not burn, they said, at least not too fast. And unless you're real, real close it looks like yellow with big orange flowers though. But the thing I liked best about it was it came with a cover up that is bright, bright yellow and a real loose knit and shaped like a poncho, like triangled but with hidden parts under the sides to hold it down.

And, you know, Daddy hasn't seen them yet, and I don't think they are like any that Ms Y. would have wanted me to get, but Kaezee liked them and all. And you know really, though the one Ms Y. got me covered more and all, it was made so it would show cracks, both at the front and the back, so I don't see that it was better. Do you think they're OK, or too old for me or something? They can't really be because they fit, and even do up top.

OK. But oh, there is one more thing to tell you. I went for a ride today and went to look at the real neat house I told you about. And it's been sold.

I don't know why, but it kind of made me sad that it had. The other house already has people in it, and I think they must be real old because I didn't see any bikes or toys or things, just flower pots and outdoor chairs around.

But I was looking over the fence at the back yard of the one that has the round tower, and this man yelled at me, but then when he saw how I was dressed, my puppy dog T and some yellow shorts and the yellow tennies, he got friendlier, of course. And he told me he was the foreman for the guy that built them, and that some one on just last Thursday had said they would buy it, and wanted it ready in a big hurry too. So I guess that means I'll never get to live in it, and that man said the big iron thing in the back yard was to keep things out of the pool, and it even has a hot tub too. Wouldn't it be great to have your own pool, Marsh? Especially out here. But that man said he was going to have to work on the holiday to get the fence around it taken down and start putting in new dirt and grass. But anyway, whatever.

OK, that's all the eleven o'clock news from out here. I'm glad she is acting better today.

Loves and Hugs!
Sky

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Sunday, May 25 (morning)

Really!!
You're really coming, Mike! Daddy just told me. Is your 'puter broke? You could have told me, you know.

Daddy says I have to clean out my closet, which is what he's started calling the extra bedroom. But don't worry; I'll have it done by Tuesday night. It's worth it.

But, Michael, there is something I need to tell you first, OK?

You see, I dress and wear my hair a lot different from last year now almost always, and I hope you don't freak when you see it, but I don't really know how to explain all about it really. So I'll just wait and let you see. Well it's like sometimes I, actually wear girl's things, Mike.

OK, I said it. So be prepared for a shock, OK? I hope you're not totally grossed or anything. Please, don't be. I really want to see you a lot. I really do. And I hope it's OK.

Daddy said he wanted me to stay home because your plane gets in so late, but I'd really like to go to pick you up with him, but if you would rather have the shock here we can. If I go to the airport I get out of a lesson with my Soc. Studies tutor, though. :)

That's not the reason I want to go, you know. It's been so long!!

Write me soon, please, you have to be getting email somewhere, I know.

Hugs and Smiles
Sky

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Sunday, May 25th (morning)

Hi!
Know what?? Michael is coming out here and is going to stay until his camp job starts next month!! That's great, right? He and Daddy had it all worked out and he gets here on Tuesday. You can still come too, you know. We can figure out something. I could move in to the little den place, or we could share for a while.

But OK, the stuff you asked about.

I just asked Daddy why she would say something like that, and the first thing he said was to tell you not to talk to her about it. OK? Then he said that he didn't know why she would say I'd taken her money at all. But I think I know why.

Daddy said that granpaw changed his will about two years ago, and that's when he added the life thing and made the trust funds bigger, and that was near when they had a big fight about me dancing and her hitting me, remember?

Daddy also said that a lot of her part isn't making as much as it did because of the markets and things, and that she was probably not nearly as rich as she had thought she would be, and that part of it was in these houses that are hard to sell at all right now. So, I guess, she blames all of that on me for dancing in front of granpaw, or something maybe.

Do you think that might be what she meant, anyway?? Daddy left for the dialysis center again, but he said he would write you later.

About the other thing you asked, Mars. It is just really hard to talk about at all, Marsh. Because I don't feel like that any more at all. But no, the scars aren't from something she did to me. But it wasn't just an operation, but there was one. I did them, OK?

But I didn't try to kill myself, Marsha. I promise, I promise. I wanted to live. See. It's all just real, real hard to explain but, see, I felt dead, and I wanted to feel something, because I couldn't really feel anything else. So I did that.

And even Daddy and all the shrinks couldn't understand and thought I was offing myself, but I never was.

OK, so see, it was the night right after the court things, when she was terminated as my parent, and I had to go in and answer the lawyer's questions even though I had talked to the judge alone before. And I said I didn't think she should go to jail, and she had for three days because of cutting me last fall, but I didn't think it would make anything better, and I said I was sad that she wouldn't be my mom anymore. And I guess I was crying, and she yelled out about how I always did that, and I didn't feel things right for a boy, and how she had always tried to help me and make me better, so I wouldn't be in danger, but I always did the wrong things anyway.

And well OK, it's just hard to go into but, Marsha, I think I always tried to do the things, be the ways, she wanted, but it didn't help, or I didn't know what it was or something.

And then she got fined and sent outside, and then I asked to leave when the judge was reading the thing, and she was in the hall, and she saw me, and she said that she was glad I wasn't hers any more, and that I was just a thing, a broken thing always.

And I looked at her, and the court police ladies with her made her leave. And then I didn't want to cry anymore, and I couldn't at all anymore. I didn't feel bad any more, but that didn't really feel good.

And so, this is how it happened. I was just trying to get a hard spot off next to my finger nail, and I was just using my pocket knife from my tackle box because I couldn't find the clippers, or something. And I just dropped the knife and it hit my stomach with the blade, and I felt that. And, Marsha, people don't get this, but when you stop feeling that feels real good to feel something. And I moved the blade along it and made a scratch, and then, I guess, I put it into it. And I did that four times, but there was only one that broke open anything on the inside, and I still have four scars, but one is only a little white mark now.

And I know you don't get that either, and think I'm crazy and all because of it, but I'm not. I know I'm not, and neither was Jude then either. But when you never felt like that, and even when you have stopped feeling like that -- or stop not feeling like that, because it isn't any feeling -- then it is not understandable. So even to me now, I can't remember how it was.

But they let me out of the hospital, but it was more like a month, not what I told you before, because I didn't want to say I'd been in the nut house for a month after the regular hospital, and when they let me go they said it wasn't going to last a long time and was because of what she had said and happened, and then Daddy wanted to take this new job right after that too.

And that was one of the things the school used to try to keep me out of regular classes too, because they thought I was depressed still and might off myself.

But now I don't feel that way. I feel a lot now. And I know I'm not a thing anymore now. OK? And the scars should maybe be gone in a year or so, except one that they might have to do something to, and the inside part is OK now too.

OK

That's really all there is about that all, OK?

Bye, alright?
Loves and Loves and Hugs,
Sky

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>>Sunday, May 25th (afternoon)

Marsh, Listen!!
I got it, Marsha. What's that Greek word? Eureka!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Listen. OK, after writing earlier, I wanted to go for a bike ride just to get out, and because Daddy has to be doing dialysis center things until this afternoon.

So, have you ever heard this poem, it's by Emily Dickenson, because I just looked it up to make sure the words were right:

To make a prairie it takes a clover and one bee,--
One clover, and a bee,
And revery.
The revery alone will do
If bees are few.

And the 'puter says it's spelled wrong, but it's not. Have you heard it? Daddy told it to me. It was when we were fishing, and I wasn't fishing, I was just sitting by a tree and looking down the canyon we had come up to catch trout, and I was thinking about how it looked like a tunnel because of all the trees on both sides, and about how the little pool at the very bottom might have been a big huge field, and I was wearing a sun dress and running in that field. I mean I wasn't, I was wearing some of your old shorts and a T and sitting by a tree, but I was thinking of wearing a beautiful, cute dress and running in that field though.

And lots of peeps might have said, "A penny for your thoughts," or something like that, but Daddy didn't. He handed me this little leaf, and it was from a tree, and not a clover but sort of like one, and he said that poem to me, and then he smiled and went back to fishing.

OK, so after that letter and thinking about back in the winter, I went for a ride, just alone, and I tried to go real, real fast, and the bike path was crowded because of it being Sunday and tomorrow a holiday, but I did anyway. And this time I was wearing a dress, a white sun dress with straps, and it flew up when I rode, but I checked, and I don't think I could go fast enough to make it high enough to show my panties because it is pretty long, so that was OK.

And I got to where that house that just got bought is, and the chain fence is all gone now, and so I sat in its yard. Mostly, it is all dirt, and hard dirt, but there was one patch that was green, and I sat there, and was just having a drink from my water bottle, but I looked at that round part of it and thought of it having an old fashioned window seat like in some old pictures, where people could seat and read. And that was what I was daydreaming about, but then I saw a clover next to me, and just right then a bee came by me, and went around and away, and I remembered that poem. And then I started thinking about the revery I had the day Daddy told me the poem, and then I started thinking about daydreaming.

And so I thought of all the daydreams I used to have and, Marsh, I used to daydream about being a quarterback and throwing a winning touchdown, or about being a knight and fighting to save someone, or a soldier even. And I used to make my self daydream like that because I knew that is what I was supposed to daydream about. But I also thought about being at a ball and dancing, or on a stage, or even being in a tower. But Marsh, I was always a girl. When I stopped controlling the daydream, and when it became a revery, and I wasn't worried about what I was suppose to dream, I was always a girl, even if I had been a soldier or knight or football guy, when I took the helmet off, long hair came down, and I had a nice smile and pretty eyes!! Always!!

And, this is the thing: that was before I was out here and people let me pretend to be one or thought I was. This was even back in Bethesda, and in Boston when I was real little, and before doing all those sports things she wanted me to always do. You See!!

And, yeah, some people hated Jude. But it was a Jude that was always having to pretend to be someone else, not the real Jude. A Jude that had to be tough and rough and lots of things I'm not, all the, all the, all the time. And I didn't hate Jude. I didn't and some people didn't and saw the pretend part. But it's not that I want to pretend to be a girl to not be Jude any more, and that's what Dr. Ross says it might be, but it can't be because I always was a girl when in revery!! SEE?? Please see.

Because that has to mean I have always been a girl, no matter what, I have always been, and just tried to do what people, and Her, thought I should be, and I never could. A very special kinda girl, but a girl; a real, real, real girl.

So that is it!! That's all. Do you think that is right??? Say, yes, because it is. I know it.

I got a number to call Dr. Ross in emergencies. Do you think it's OK to use that for good stuff? Because she's got to understand this is right. But it's Sunday, and a holiday, and I don't even have an appointment tomorrow.

Daddy said he'd be back in time, and we could finally go out to dinner tonight, like we had planed last Thursday. But it's still early. I'm going to see if we can go somewhere real, real nice!!

I'm going to see if I can get Kaezee on the phone because she isn't on line. And then I'm going to call that number for Dr Ross, because emergencies don't have to all be terrible and this is a kind of emergency too, and I have to tell people that I'm a girl!!

Bye

I wish you were here so we could just dance, Marsh!!

Loves and Hugs and Kisses and Hugs and Kisses and Loves and Kisses and Hugs and Loves and Kisses and Hugs and Loves from YOUR SISTER!!!!!,
Sky

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