As I look down at my Darling Louise, I shudder to think how I nearly lost her
I hope, if you read this, that you won't make the same stupid mistakes that I did...
Gone With The Wind
By Susan Brown
When you read this, I will be gone.
I need you to know that it wasn’t your fault; it was just one of those things.
We are just too far apart, socially, economically and factually. Oh I’m not very good at explaining this! The gap is too wide and I can’t face deceiving you any longer.
Please know that I love you very much and if there is a heaven, I will look down on you and watch over you.
Please don’t think badly of me. You must find someone else, please do so, as you are the most loving and caring person that I have ever met and you deserve to be happy.
You also deserve to know what and who I am and how I came to this. I hope that it helps explain why I have to finish things.
Your loving Hannah.
I stopped writing; tears were coursing down my face. It was the hardest thing that I had ever written. I took a few shuddering deep breaths, picked up a tissue and wiped my eyes. I could see the black mascara on the tissue and realised that I needed to repair my makeup before…
I looked at the pills and wondered if I had enough.
I had considered more violent ways to end my life but was too cowardly to use one of them.
As I sat there in that hated room I closed my eyes for a moment, then I sighed, picked up my pen and my thoughts went back in time...
My male name is Michael Riley, although I prefer to be called Hannah. I was born a boy but knew from an early age that I was in the wrong body. I should have been born a girl.
I was always envious of my sister Katie. She was two years older than me and got to wear the pretty clothes. I on the other hand was expected to be a boy in all ways and dress accordingly.
Don't get me wrong; I did have a fairly happy childhood. My mother and sister loved me but I was never allowed to be the girl I truly felt I was.
My sister used to play dress up with me when I was very young and I invariably got to wear a pretty dress. I was Hannah then, little sister of Katie. I loved those times but didn't like the way my mother laughed at me for trying to be so girly.
In time, Katie grew bored of dress up games and playing with her younger brother.
I had tried on a few occasions to wear cast off’s from my sister but both Katie and my mother thought that it was ridiculous and that I should try to be a ‘man’ and not be so silly.
Childhood passed and I was still Hannah inside but unable to show freely who I really was to the world. It was so frustrating and upsetting, but I had little choice in the matter.
I went to university, studying art; I was a good artist with a real flair and a good eye. I had a near photographic memory regarding things that I saw. I could see a face and draw or paint a very good likeness without the need for a sitter or photograph to jog my memory. The same with landscapes, once seen, never forgotten.
I had little opportunity to dress as a girl whilst at university, as I shared with lodgings with three other men and they were definitely lacking in femininity!
I researched things on the internet regarding my ‘gender condition,’ and eventually decided on some self treatment. I ordered some contraceptive pills which had Ethinyl Estradiol and other things in them from an on line pharmacy and took a 150ug tablet, twice a day. I know that I was stupid, I should have told a doctor or something but this was my secret and I was afraid that I might not be allowed to become a woman. It took several months before my breasts started to bud and by then they itched terribly. I wore a satin camisole under my male clothing, which was necessarily loose because I didn’t want to show my development to anyone else.
My moods began to swing; one minute I was up and the next down. I grew my hair longer, not unusual at university and I noticed how soft it was, as was my skin. What fat I had on my body seemed to start redistributing around my hips and bottom. It may have been my imagination, but my bottom seemed to be getting larger. I didn’t know when I was going to go full time as a girl, but thought that it would be best after I had finished my education, so I had to stay in male mode, for the moment. As for paying for the operation; that would have to wait until I was earning enough money to pay for it.
About that time, tragedy struck for me and my life changed forever. My mother and sister died in an air crash along with 230 other souls. It was sudden, shocking, totally unexpected and it was something that I would never dream of happening, even in my worst nightmares. I spent weeks in a grey fog of despair, not going to lectures and ignoring assignments as I quietly went to pieces.
I was close to my family, all the closer because I had never known my father who left us shortly after I was born. I had never seen or heard of him, but my mother had told me when I was young that he was an artist. I suppose, my artistic talents, such as they were, came from my father's side. My mother was ever practical and had little flair artistically; the same with my sister. Okay, we had rows, all families do, but on the whole we were loving and close. They both knew that I liked to dress up and although they did not understand it, they accepted that it was part of me that wasn’t going to go away. As long as I did it away from them, they were okay with it. Now it didn’t matter, they were gone and I would never see them again.
It was the end of term and I went home to the empty house that once held laughter and affection. It was cold and felt unlived in. I knew that I had only one week left there before I had to move out. We did not own the property and the rent was only paid up to the end of the month. Of course, I couldn’t afford to pay the rent, so I had to go. There was a class action in the courts over the air crash, but that promised to drag on for years, I wasn’t holding my breath and therefore made arrangements to put everything in storage whilst I stayed in the digs at university.
That week was lonely for me. I had no phone calls and spent the time alone. The only thing that sustained me was the fact that I could wear my girls’ clothes without fear of being found out or exposed.
Exactly a week later, I shut the front door and walked away from the house that I had lived in from my birth. I left lots of fond memories and good times that I had with my family. When I shut that door, it was like the closing of a part of my life.
Back at the university, I was struggling to make ends meet. The costs of education and accommodation were incredibly high. To help pay for things, I had to work in a bar. This meant that I had little time for my studies and my work suffered badly. Struggling on for two months, I finally had a distressing conversation with my tutor who said that I had failed to make the required grade. I was expecting this as he had had several intense chats with me spelling out what would happen if I didn’t buck my ideas up. I suppose the loss of my mother and sister contributed to my failure and I did say this to my tutor, who had little sympathy. He just thought that I was work shy and didn’t deserve my place.
And so yet another phase of my life ended. I had no home and no education to speak of in my chosen career.
I drifted for a few years, getting jobs in pubs and restaurants. In the summer, I went to the seaside and set up my easel on the front. Brighton was my favoured destination as this was where I spent many holidays as a child. People would sit and have a quick sketch done of themselves. The money wasn’t great but I managed to keep myself…just.
Then I found that I was continually being moved on by the authorities.
‘I didn’t have a license,’ they said.
I said, ‘how could I get a license?’
They said, ‘apply.’
I applied for a licence and was told that they were not giving out any more licences that year and anyway, there was a long waiting list.
I tried other seaside towns and it was the same story, then London and other places. It was no good; I couldn’t do the only thing that I was good at.
I drifted about for a few more years getting odd jobs and finding work that was low paid but at least managed to keep a roof over my head. I was presently living in a one bedroom flat in Kilburn, London. Frankly, it was a dump, but it was on the top floor so the light was good and I could, cash permitting, buy canvases, paints and brushes, so I could at least try to continue doing what I loved. I had my own front door too, so once I shut and locked it, I was on my own.
I worked in the evenings in a pub at the end of the road, this left my days to do as I wished.
After getting home from work, normally about one or two am, the first thing that I would do was to get out of my stinky male clothing and have a bubble bath. Then I would get into a nightie, spend a few minutes reading a book or watching the box and then go to bed.
After getting up, I would have a shower and then get dressed in one of my favourite dresses or skirt and top combinations. After carefully applying my makeup, I would then perhaps sit and read, watch TV or if the muse took me, I would put on my painters smock and try to be creative. London may be one of the largest cities in the world, but it can also be the loneliest, I had no friends and relations that would call on me, so I just had my paintings and dreams to keep me company.
I had about a hundred paintings and drawings dotted about the room in the nooks and crannies and I hoped that when I got famous they might be worth something. I smiled at my private joke and then came back to reality; I wasn’t Van Gogh!
As I say, it was a lonely life and after a year where I had made no real friends and not been out much, I read in a paper, the classified section, about a weekend break in the country for transgendered people.
It was two nights accommodation and was full board; the hotel was run by a transgendered couple. The advert said that there would be a disco on the second evening and it was the tenth time that they had held the event.
I put the paper down and switched on the TV. I paid little attention to the news and my eyes kept going back to the paper. In the end I switched off the TV, picked up the paper and on an impulse, I rang the phone number on the advert.
It was a man... I think.
‘Hi, can I help you?’
‘Erm, yes, I was reading about your erm, transgendered weekend break. Have you any vacancies?’
‘Yes, we have a couple of spots left, but they are going quickly.’
‘How much does it cost?’
‘ £125.00, all in.’
I gulped at that. I had a bit of money, but that would severely dent my savings. I looked at the advert again and made an impulse decision.
‘Okay, can I book please?’
‘Certainly, have you got your credit card details?’
‘Sorry, I don’t have any cards.’
‘Hmm, normally, we can only take a booking if you pay a deposit.’
‘Oh,’ I said, immediately deflated and feeling a bit tearful.
‘Hang on a minute,’
I blew my nose on a tissue and wiped my eyes. All of a sudden, I wanted to go to the weekend, very badly. To meet others like me and not to hide away was something that I had never done before…
‘Hello, sorry to keep you waiting; it’s okay, we will reserve a room for you. One stipulation though is that you come a couple of hours early and if you can’t make it for any reason, let us know.’
‘Oh thank you, you are very kind.’
‘’That’s all right dear. Can I have your femme name?’
‘Femme? Oh it’s Hannah Riley.’
‘That’s a pretty name. Okay, Hannah, have you got a pen and paper handy?’
‘Right, this is our address.’
I wrote down the details and then thanked him.
‘That’s all right dear. Come to reception at about 5.00pm and ask for me, I’m Sarah.’
‘Oh...erm thank you Sarah.’
‘Don’t worry; you’ll have fun. I’m thinking that this is your first time out?’
‘Will you be coming en drab?’
‘Sorry, en drab?’
Sarah laughed, ‘I mean dressed as a man.’
‘Yes, is that okay?’
‘Of course, a lot of the girls come dressed like that. Right I’ll see you on Friday night then.’
‘Yes, thanks again Sarah.’
‘Don’t worry; we are here to help if we can... bye!’
I put the phone down and noticed that my heart was thumping madly in my chest. Was I mad; why go out of my way to go out in public? My dressing had only ever been done behind closed and locked doors. I knew that I looked quite nice, not as nice as a real girl with real breasts and everything, but would I be found out if I went out in public?
I looked at the advert again for what seemed to be the thousandth time. At the bottom it said in small writing that only transgendered guests would be at the hotel.
I reasoned that if only people like me would be there, it would be all right. I doubted if everyone there would look drop dead gorgeous and maybe I wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb after all.
The rest of the week went slowly and by Thursday I was getting anxious about the coming weekend.
I looked through my clothes and tried to decide what I was going to wear. My wardrobe was somewhat limited as I had little money to spend. I decided on a nice blouse and skirt for Friday night, but I didn’t have anything suitable for the Disco on Saturday. I mused over what I could do about it; looking at my finances, I knew that I didn’t have enough money to go too mad. As it was, I had to catch two trains and a bus to get to the hotel and that was going to cost a bit. I decided to visit one of the better charity shops to see if I could find something suitable.
I looked at the time, I was due at work in two hours and I had to get a move on!
I caught a bus at the end of the road and this took me to Kilburn High Road. I passed the charity shop a few times before I had the courage to go in. I had been there before, but it was some time ago and I hope I wasn’t recognised.
If asked, I was going to use the excuse that I was going to a fancy dress party where girls would be dressed as boys and visa versa.
It was fairly quiet in the shop, only a few browsers and one young and pretty girl behind the till.
I hesitantly walked over to the ladies section and sort of glanced at the dresses. I had no idea what I wanted but was too embarrassed to take many items off the hangers. I know that I had done this sort of thing before, indeed most of my girls’ clothes had come from places like this, but I still got terribly embarrassed and very self-conscious.
I was looking at a dress on a hanger, wondering if the colour suited me when I jumped at the sound of a voice.
‘Hello, can I help you?’
I turned around quickly and saw that it was the young lady from behind the till. I had a look around and saw that we were the only ones in the shop now.
‘Erm, I was looking at some dresses.’
‘I can see that,’ she said with a smile, ‘is it for you?’
‘Yes...no, I mean yes, I suppose so...sorry.’
‘Don’t be sorry, we do get a lot of men come in here looking at dresses; you won’t shock me, you know. The normal things they say are that they are buying for a girl friend or that old excuse that they are going to a fancy dress. It’s nice that you are being honest.’
I sort of deflated at that and turned to go.
‘Where are you going?’
‘You thought that you had changed your mind or lost your courage? Don’t be silly; let’s find you a nice dress shall we? I’m about to close so I’ll turn the sign around and we won’t be disturbed; okay?’
‘Y...yes, thank you.’
She went over to the door, locked it and turned the sign around and then came over to me.
‘Right, do you know your size?’
‘I think I’m a 12.’
‘Yes, I’d say that as well. Mind you some 12’s are small and some are big, but you look your average 12. Right, what colour do you like and what do you want the dress for?’
‘I like pink or white and I’m going to a disco.’
‘Can you take advice from someone who knows?’
‘White will show up rather harsh in disco lights and pink will not work for you either. I think you need what is commonly known as a LBD, do you know what that is?’
‘It means little black dress. With your slim figure, fair complexion lovely long blond hair, it would suit you better than pink or white. Let’s see what we have.’
She went over to a rail and pulled out several dresses.
‘Let’s see...no too long; this one's a bit short. This might work and this one. Oooh this is nice, we’ll try that too!
She handed me the dresses.
‘Want to try these on?’
‘Of course; I bet you’re wearing girly undies!’
I blushed and she smiled.
‘OK, off you go; oh and are you wearing tights?’
I nodded shyly.
‘Good girl. What is the name you prefer to use?’
‘Oh, that’s a lovely name! I’m Sophie; okay Hannah, show me each change after you put it on and I’ll give you the benefit of my vast experience.’
We both giggled as I went over to the changing room and closed the curtains.
Taking off my jeans and sweater, my shaved skin felt a bit goosy as I slipped on the first dress. It had a zip up the back and it took me a few moments before I was able to contort myself and do it up.
‘Are you ready yet?’
I pulled the curtain back and self-consciously came out into the room.
‘Hmm...no, it doesn’t look right; it has curves where you don’t. Try on another.’
I slipped back into the dressing room and tried on the second. It was what they called a boob tube and I slipped it on and felt almost naked wearing it. I stepped out and Sophie gave me the once over.
‘Mmm, no it doesn’t work. I see you have small breasts coming up, are they yours or are they false?’
‘What, under the doctor?’
‘Erm...How do you know so much, if you don’t mind me asking?’
‘Oh, my best friends’ brother is now her sister. She went through hell and I sort of got caught up in the flack. But I’m a bit worried about this contraceptive pill thing. Did you get them yourself or did your doctor give them to you?’
‘I went on the net and bought them that way.’
‘Look, Hannah; I don’t want to run your life or anything, but you could get seriously ill if you carry on like this; promise you will see a doctor.’
‘Why ever not?’
‘Because he or she will either laugh like my mother and sister did or not let me have any pills.’
‘No they won’t. They’re a lot of trans people out there and anyway, if your doctor is not sympathetic, come back to me and I’ll find out who you can go to. Now do you promise?’
‘Are you a dumb blond or what? Do you promise to stop taking those pills and that you will go to a doctor?’
I looked at her pretty but serious face and started to tear up a bit as I realised that she really cared. I just nodded.
‘Good girl; now go try this last one but I think you should wear a bra,’
She went over to a bin in the corner and picked out a black bra.
‘This should fit okay, if not, we can adjust the straps. Its got a bit of padding so should puff you out a bit. Okay, off you go.’
I took the lacy bra and the dress into the cubicle and took the boob tube off.
I had experimented with bras so I kind of knew what to do. I wasn’t agile enough to do up the clips behind my back, so I did it up at the front and turned it around. My small breasts felt a bit more comfortable when encased in the soft bra cups and all I had to do was adjust the straps so that they did not pinch me. After that, I felt that it fitted me like a glove...if you know what I mean!
I picked up the dress. It was lovely. I looked at the label it said, ‘Planet.’ on the label and size 12.
It was satin with tiny black beads on it; knee length with a net underskirt. I suppose you would call it a soft A line skirt with short cap sleeves and a scoop neckline. It had smooth beading in the shape of flowers.
As I put it on, I felt shivers down my spine. It hung just right and I loved it!
I pulled the curtain back and I knew from the look on Sophie’s face that she thought the same.
‘Bingo! You look lovely; do you like it?’
‘Yes, it’s gorgeous!’
‘I think I have a sale!’
I looked at the price label and my heart sort of flipped; £50.00!
‘What’s wrong, Hannah?’
‘It’s too much.’ I said as a tear formed in the corner of my eyes.
She came over and saw the label.
‘Fifty pounds, we don’t sell anything for Fifty pounds! It’s a mistake, probably Mabel, she’s nearly eighty and her eyesight’s going, bless her.’ She looked at me. ‘Can you afford fifteen pounds?’
I nodded, I could...just.
‘Okay, you are now the proud owner of a drop dead gorgeous LBD!’
I thanked her profusely and went back to change into my hated male clothes.
When I came out, she took the dress and bra and put them into a bag. Handing it to me she said. ‘That will be fifteen pounds please Miss.’
I handed the money over to her and she grinned at me.
‘Promise you’ll come back and tell me how your disco went.’
‘Okay, I will and thank you so much!’
I put my pen down and made a cup of tea, remembering Sophie with a smile. Now there was a girl who accepted me for what I was...no strings. I was sad that I wouldn’t be able to keep my promise to her and hoped that she would understand. After taking a sip from the hot sweet tea, I carried on...
After the tiring train journey and then even more tiring bus ride, I found myself outside the hotel. It was quite large, Victorian and it had lovely and spacious gardens. This was no bed and breakfast! The Phoenix Hotel looked classy to say the least. I picked up my cases and with a thumping heart went up the steps and into the large foyer.
There was marble everywhere, on walls and floors, I mean and where it wasn’t covered by a plush deep carpet. Some of the tables were made of marble too and it all added to the ambiance of the place. I looked up and saw chandeliers hanging from the painted ceiling, glittering as the light shone on the thousands of crystals.
I walked across the red carpet towards the reception desk. There was one lady standing at a computer, typing something. She looked up and said, ‘won’t be a moment,’ with a smile on her face.
She had a slightly deep, husky voice and was taller and bigger than me in all ways. She was about forty I would guess and her makeup was immaculate, if a bit thick and her clothes were smart, a sky blue silk blouse with matching skirt.
She finished what she was doing and then looked up.
‘Sorry about that, can I help you?’
‘Erm, yes I’ve booked in for the weekend.’
‘Can I have your name?’
‘Hello Hannah, we spoke on the phone; you found us okay then?’
‘Good; okay, if you would like to put in your address and telephone number on this sheet for me. Did you come by car? No, that’s not a problem then. When you have filled in the appropriate details, sign the bottom and I will get you your key.’
I did as requested and pushed the form across to her.
‘That’s great. Now do you want a paper in the morning?’
‘Right, you are in room 221, that’s on the second floor; either use the lift or go up those stairs and turn left. Here is a pack about what is happening this weekend. Have a read after you have settled in. The only rule, as such, is that from this evening, you must be dressed, en femme; is that okay?’
‘Yes, it’s fine.’
‘That’s good. Many of the girls come here already dressed but some come as you did and then change. Dinner is at 8.30pm and you can sit where you like in the dining room over there. Don’t be shy and try to talk to a few people. Remember we are all sisters.’
She smiled at me and I realised that she too was transgendered. I didn’t pick up on the signs but what signs are there? We are all individual in our own way, I suppose.
I picked up the key with its brass fob that said 221 on it. I then picked up my bags.
‘See you later, Hannah; any problems call me. The telephone extension is 001. Do you need any help with your cases?’
‘No, that’s okay, I can manage.’
I went to the lift and pressed the button. The lift pinged and the door opened. I stepped in with my cases and pressed 2. In seconds the lift was at my floor, pinged again and opened. I stepped into a corridor with plush red carpeting and saw a plate on the opposite wall; my room was to the left. I looked at the door numbers and then, after walking about half way down, saw my room number 221. Putting my cases down, I put the key in the lock and opened the door. Keeping it open with my arm, I managed somehow to pick up my cases and step inside the room.
The door shut behind me quietly as I surveyed the room. It was nicely decorated and modern. The bed was huge and took up about half the room. There was a long desk with a TV, kettle and coffee and tea making things. There was also a long well lit mirror there and a padded seat where I could do my makeup.
Below the window was a nice leather sofa and by the bed was a bedside table with a phone on it.
The bed linen was pristine white and on the pillow was a single red rose. I picked it up and enjoyed the fragrance and colour of it.
Looking around I could see that I was going to enjoy this room. I went into the bathroom, which had a large Jacuzzi bath and shower, together with a bidet. Once again the attention to details was great, from the shiny brass fittings to the silk robe hanging on the back of the door. Yes, I was going to like it here!
It was 5.45. I had nearly three hours until dinner. My heart flipped a bit at that. Would I be strong enough to go down dressed as a girl? I hoped so; otherwise it would be a fruitless and expensive weekend!
I went over to the bed and put my cases on it. Opening them up, I took the clothes out and put them in the wardrobe and drawers. I looked at my black fairly high-heeled shoes. I had intended to wear them tomorrow night and hoped that I wouldn’t fall over! Luckily, the clothes weren’t too creased; especially my cocktail dress and I hoped that by hanging them up straight away, the creases might fall out.
After putting everything away, I then took off my male clothes and stuck them in the case. I didn’t want any reminders of my boy self. I then took off my cami top and panties and then sitting on the bed, I removed my tan coloured tights.
I was now naked and I went over to the floor length mirror on the back of the door and critically looked at myself as another would look at me.
Removing the rubber band that was holding my hair, I shook my head. My golden blond hair swished across my face and then settled around my face and down my back. Looking at my face I could see my button nose, wide blue eyes, long lashes, which I liked so much and my thin face. I was lucky that I didn’t have to shave much and that made my skin smooth and unlined. My neck didn’t show much of an Adams apple, which was good. My eyes went to my breasts, small, not even an A cup, but still noticeable especially if I stood sideways. My nipples stood out proudly, as if at attention and I smiled as I put my fingers on them. I shuddered slightly as a small wave of pleasure coursed through my body. Looking down at my hips and between my legs, I could definitely see that my hips seemed broader and I assumed that this had something to do with the hormone pills.
I frowned as I remembered my promise to Sophie. Looking at my penis, it looked shrunken somehow. It never was much in the way of size and now, it appeared smaller than ever; another side effect of the pills? I did know that I had not had much of an erection for some time. I used to always wake up with a woody as one of my uni flat mates always used to call it but since taking the pills, that had stopped.
Looking further down at my hairless legs (courtesy of Nair hair remover), my legs were smooth, thin and nice.
‘Yes.’ I thought, ‘apart from that thing between my legs, I don’t look too bad.’
I stopped posing in front of the mirror and was just about to go into the bathroom, when the phone rang.
I went over to the bedside table and picked up the phone.
‘Hi, Hannah? It’s Sarah, from reception.’
I recognised her voice from earlier.
‘Sorry to disturb you but one of our regulars has just arrived and she was wondering if you wanted to join her party this evening. They are a friendly bunch and are always looking out for more people to join them.’
I thought for a moment and then my fear of being a wallflower overcame my shyness.
‘That would be nice.’
‘Good, I’ll give her your room number and she’ll come and pick you up at about 8.15, is that OK?’
‘That would be nice, what’s her name?’
‘Okay, could you thank her for me?’
‘Thank her yourself, here she is.’
The phone went quiet for a moment and then...
‘Hi Belinda, thanks for doing this.’
‘No problem. I look forward to seeing you later, okay?’
‘Fine, just one thing though do I dress posh?’
She laughed. ‘No, very informal, these Fridays are. Let your hair down and relax type of thing. Tomorrow night, now that’s different, then it’s glad rag time and slap on the makeup...we’ll talk about it later.’
I heard a click and then put the receiver down.
‘She sounded nice.’ I thought, ‘at least I don’t have to go into a crowded room by myself.’
I went into the bathroom and started filling the bath. I decided to wash my hair too, so I went to my toilet bag and dug out my small bottle of bubble bath, shampoo and conditioner.
Soon, I was relaxing in the bath. I did switch on the Jacuzzi for a short while, but the bubbles went a bit mad, so I switched it off.
I sighed as I settled back again and without noticing, I was asleep.
I jolted awake as the water was quite cold. Looking at the clock on the wall, I saw that I only had an hour to get ready!
‘Oh bum!’ I said as I got out of the bath. I didn’t have enough time to wash my hair and get ready as well. After drying myself, I grabbed my brush and went over to the mirror. Dragging the brush through my thick hair, I saw that it wasn’t too bad and I could probably get away with it tonight, but tomorrow I must not fall asleep in the bath!
I took out the skirt and blouse that I had decided to wear for this evening and put them on the bed. They were still a bit creased...I needed an iron. Looking through some drawers, I found one!
I plugged it in and laid a towel over the desk. When the iron was warm enough, I was able to sort out those wrinkles in just a few minutes.
I glanced at the clock, thirty minutes to go; where had the time gone!
I decided to put my makeup on before I got dressed so I picked up my makeup bag and proceeded to fix my face.
I won’t bore you with the details, but soon I was staring at the true Hannah, eyelashes long and thick. Eyelids two different shades of blue, Max Factor hiding the imperfections of my face with all in one foundation. A small amount of blusher gave me slightly rosy cheeks and finally, my lips were a bright pink and shiny. I hoped I didn’t look like a drag queen!
I next spent a few minutes doing my nails in the same colour as my lips. I had saved time the night before by already doing my toe nails.
I put on my bra; I had invested in a white one, the same make as the black one that Sophie had given me. It gave me good support and made my nipples feel less sensitive. Then the matching silky panties went up my legs, all shiny and smooth. After pushing my testicles inside the cavity (a trick learnt via the internet) and adjusting my small penis I was able to pull up my panties and have a smooth line, unencumbered by unsightly bumps. I hoped the little packages in there would not get too squashed as I sometime had an ache down there after a while. Anyway, once I had sorted out down below, I slipped on my tights, black and shear the way I liked them. I had to be careful not to snag them on a nail, but managed to pull them up without too much trouble.
I then pulled on my white satin blouse, fiddling a bit with the tiny pearl buttons and then my skirt which was a very pale peach colour with a zip up the back. The skirt fell just above my knees and I was glad that I wasn’t too knobbly in the knee department. I ran my brush through my hair again and then sprayed it in place with some hairspray.
Finally, I put on my little fairy necklace, a present from my sister when I played dress up all those years ago, my watch and a dress ring...then a sss of perfume and I was done!
‘Ooh shoes,’ I thought as I went over to the cupboard. I picked out some white low heeled shoes and slipped them on. ‘No high heels tonight!’
Just then there was a knock on the door. I glanced at the clock, it was 7.44 ...my she was punctual. I took a deep breath and opened the door. There was a girl about my age standing there, She had long black hair, thinner than I was and a pair of breast that looked a wee bit too large to be natural. But the main thing I took in was her smile and pleasant features.
‘Hi, I’m Belinda, are you ready?’
‘Yes, let me get my bag.’
I picked up my bag, checked that my brush and other girly necessities were in there and then I was ready. I picked up the key and then went out into the corridor, shutting the door and checking it was locked was the work of a moment and soon we were walking down the corridor towards the lift.
‘Thanks for looking after me.’ I said.
‘That’s okay hon; you look very pretty.’
I went red, I wasn’t used to compliments.
‘So do you, I love that dress...’
Soon we were chatting and comparing makeup disasters like we had known each other for years. In no time we were walking into the dining room and going over to one of the tables in the corner. The room was nearly full and there were lots of girls there all different shapes and sizes. Some were obviously not very passable but that didn’t seem to matter; others looked very glamorous or pretty or ordinary, just like normal girls. It was obviously a place where people could go and let their hair down and enjoy themselves without worrying about being ridiculed or anything unpleasant.
We reached the table; four other girls were sitting there.
After a lot of ‘hi’s and introductions, I was soon sitting down with a drink and letting the conversation flow around me. There was Paula, Sue, Becky and Helen apart from little me, of course and Belinda.
They were all about the same age as me or perhaps a bit older. It was difficult to tell with the makeup, clothes and everything. Anyway the conversation went from clothes to makeup and boys and girls they liked; things like that. It was a good conversation and as dinner was served, I warmed to this small group of friends and hoped that they liked me too!
After three good courses we were all pretty stuffed. The meal had taken nearly two hours to eat and I was amazed at how quickly the time went.
Soon, we were sitting in comfy chairs around a coffee table. We all had drinks, I had a diet coke as I don’t drink alcohol, and the others in a similar vein had either soft drinks or coffee.
‘So Hannah,’ said Sue,’ what do you think of the weekend so far?’
‘It’s great. I didn’t think I could meet such nice girls.’
‘Yes,’ said Paula, ‘we all have a laugh and a joke; it’s nice to let your hair down.’
‘Yes, we all get along okay, I’ve been twice before and the others more than that. Everyone is very friendly. It’s a pity that Louise won’t be here until tomorrow evening.’
‘Louise?’ I asked.
‘Yes,’ said Belinda, ‘she’s a doctor and she’s on call. She can’t come until tomorrow. You will like her; everyone does.’
Somehow the discussion turned to about how we dealt with being transgendered. It was obvious that people had a different take on what it meant for them. The fact that there were different types, if you like, of being transgendered was important. Some girls just like to dress for the thrill of it, others because they felt some sort of need, others like me, believed that we are girls trapped in the wrong body and some just get a sexual buzz out of wearing women’s clothes. There were other permutations, of course and then there were the men who like to follow, date and sometimes have sex with TG’s...that was a whole new ballgame.
My eyes were opened by the quiet talk we had. I must have led a sheltered life or perhaps went to the wrong web sites, but I was a bit naíve about the transgendered life and I learned a lot that evening.
It was 11.00pm now and I was a bit tired after my travels. I could see that the others felt the same so we said goodnight and agreed to meet up for breakfast at 9.00am the following morning.
I went up with Belinda and we hugged and said goodnight at my door.
‘Thanks Belinda, I had a lovely evening.’
‘That’s okay Hannah; I think that you’re a lovely person. I’m into men, if it wasn’t for that, I would be seriously interested in getting more involved. Mind you, I haven’t asked, are you straight gay or what?’
‘Or what, I suppose. Sex hasn’t reared its ugly or nice head with me yet. I suppose, thinking about it, I must be bi, as I fancy some men and some women. I don’t know, perhaps I will know when I find someone I’m attracted to.’
‘Well, I suppose, being bi, you have the best of both worlds. I hope you find someone.’
‘Do you think you will?’
‘I already have, but he doesn’t know about it yet!’
We both giggled and after another hug and a kiss, we said goodnight.
I sat on my bed and took my shoes off, rubbing my stockinged feet with my hands. I had really enjoyed the evening and the new friends I had made.
I went into the bathroom and cleaned my makeup off and brushed my teeth. Then I got undressed released my boys bits with a sigh and then put my nightie on. It was a pink satin strappy number and I loved it to bits. I then brushed my hair, had a final wee and went to bed.
I read my book — Bridget Jones Diary for a bit and then felt my eyes closing. Shutting the book, I leant over and switched off the light. In moments I was asleep.
I put my pen down ad rubbed my eyes. I didn’t realise how long it would take to write this. It brought back happy memories, memories that I would take to my grave. I wondered if I would go too heaven or hell for taking my own life. Looking at the mess of my life, somehow I didn’t care at that moment.
I got myself another tea, noticing that I had only drunk half a cup of the old one. Sitting down with a sigh, I rubbed my eyes, sipped my drink and then picked up my pen to continue...
The next morning I woke up to the light streaming through the window. I must have forgotten to shut the curtains last night.
I yawned and then looked at my little wind up alarm clock, 8.15! Oh no I was going to be late. I got up quickly, pulled off my nightie and went into the bathroom. I put on the complimentary shower hat and then had a quick shower.
Drying myself off, I wondered what I should wear from the limited amount of clothing I had with me.
Still drying myself with the fluffy towel, I went into the bedroom. Opening the wardrobe, I looked at the few items hanging there. I had brought a black leather skirt. It was quite short, but I did enjoy wearing it. I also had a white Clarissa smock top in antique white. I thought that they both went together well and were a bargain, bought at a charity shop for the princely sum of ten pounds.
I put them on and looked in the mirror, then I took the blouse off and slapped a bit of makeup on. Putting the blouse back on and brushing my hair still left me a bit undecided. I had ten minutes. Then I had a brain wave, I remembered that Belinda had given me her extension number. I picked up the phone and pressed the keys.
‘Hi Belinda, I hope that I’m not disturbing you?’
‘No, I’ve been ready for ages.’
‘I have a problem; a fashion sort of thing. I am wearing a leather skirt and top and I’m not sure that it’s appropriate for this morning.’
‘I’m sure it’s okay, compared to some girls here, you could wear a paper sack and still look gorgeous.’
‘Ooh that’s catty!’
‘Meoow; I’ll come down now and if I don’t scream when you open the door, you should be okay.’
‘Thanks Belinda, you’re a star!’
‘Don’t I know it? Be there in three.’
Dead on time, there was a knock on my door.
I went and opened it and there stood Belinda, in a shocking pink track suit.
‘I’m going for the shock look.’
‘I must admit it gave me one.’
‘I’m a bit of a show off. You may not have realised that. My thinking is that if I look this awful now, when we go to the disco tonight in my best frock, I will look all the better than ever.’
‘Riiiight, I think. Anyway, come in.’
She came in and then critically looked me up and down.
‘Yep...you’ll do. In fact, you cow, you look bloody gorgeous; if I wasn’t off girls...never mind that, one suggestion.’
‘Yes, it’ll give you that preppy look as our American cousins call it; all fresh young and full of beans. Mind you, thinking about it, I haven’t seen one of them wearing a leather skirt, they are normally white and pleated. Never mind, you get the idea.’
‘If you say so,’ I said going over to my bag and pulling out a pink scrunchie. I had never used it, but as my old scoutmaster once said, ‘be prepared.’ so I brought one with me.
After brushing my hair and putting on the scrunchie, we went downstairs and joined the others. I shouldn’t have worried, there was a vast array of different styles being worn, from the casual, to ridiculously formal; one girl even wore an evening gown, how inappropriate was that?’
We said hi to everyone and sat down. Soon we were tucking into a full English breakfast. I had bacon, eggs, sausage, tomato and mushrooms. After finishing I was quite full. We drank tea or coffee after the meal and everyone was talking about what they wanted to do that day.
The general consensus was that they wanted to go into town to do some shopping.
‘Are you coming, Hannah?’ Said Paula.
‘I can’t, I erm have some things I have to do today. Sorry, I’ll meet up with you tonight.’
‘Are you sure?’ said Belinda.
‘Yes, don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.’
‘Okay then, if you are sure.’
They all looked disappointed but I had no choice and no money to spend.
‘I’ll see you all later; when are we meeting up?’
‘Seven o’clock, here at the coffee bar,’ said Helen.
‘Okay girls, see you then. Have fun today.’
I waved at them and left quickly. Going up to my room, I felt sad that I would be spending the day alone, but still at least I would have fun tonight...I hoped!
I went into my room and sat on the bed, trying to think what I could do for the next several hours.
Just then there was a quiet knock on the door.
I got up and opened it, to see Belinda standing there.
‘Can I come in?’
She came in and looked at me.
‘What’s wrong,’ she said with a frown on her face.
‘Come on. I haven’t known you long, but I think I can read you like a book. Why can’t you come out with us and don’t give me that guff about having something else to do.’
I sat on the bed and started crying.
Belinda sat beside me and hugged me. It was nice...sisterly, but nice.
‘Come on tell Auntie Bel all about it.’
‘I...I can’t come out. I’ve got no money.’
‘So what, I’m skint too until next pay day.’
‘But you’re going shopping!’
‘I HAVE NO MONEY!’
‘Ooh don’t shout, you’ll give me a headache.’
‘Sorry,’ I said in a quieter tone.
‘That’s better. Look take this tissue and blow your nose.’
I did as I was asked and then wiped my eyes carefully as I didn’t want to turn into a racoon.
‘That’s better. I can see that you are bit new to all this so I’ll give you potted version of the facts of life...as a girl. Forget sex, that’s nice but normally over in a moment, especially with some guys. No what you need to learn is that when girls go shopping, ninety percent of the time it involves looking at, trying on and comparing clothes in as many shops as you can. Buying rarely comes into it unless it’s after pay day or you have a rich auntie. Why do you think the girls were shovelling down all that food for?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘So they don’t have to have lunch and can manage on a can of coke or something until dinner...which is part of the deal here anyway. Okay, some of the girls are well off or have good jobs, but none of them throw their money around. Now, are you coming or not?’
‘But I told everyone I had something on.’
‘So, you cancelled it.’
‘Are you sure?
‘Yep; we’ll all pile into Becky’s minibus and we’ll be in town and shopping in no time.’
‘Okay then, if you’re sure.’
‘Go do your face and I’ll wait here.’
I went into the bathroom and repaired the damage. It was warm outside so I just picked up a cardigan and we were away.
I smiled as I remembered that day. It was great going around the shops and trying lots of things on. I did spend some money, not a lot but we went in a lingerie shop and I couldn’t resist picking up some black stockings and a suspender belt. I thought that they would go great with my LBD!
By 5 o’clock we were shopped out and anyway we needed to be back for 5.30 as it was going to be an early dinner before the disco.
We all piled into the minibus laughing and joking. I felt as I had known these girls for years and it was a great feeling.
We arrived back at the hotel and split up. We only had a few minutes to freshen up before dinner was served. No one was going to change yet as the disco wasn’t until eight.
Just before 5.30, we were back at our usual table waiting for the meal and discussing the night’s festivities.
No one was giving any secrets away about what they would be wearing. I wondered if my choice was okay and hoped that I wouldn’t look too freakish.
‘I spoke to Louise earlier,’ said Belinda. ‘She should be here after dinner. She’s going up to her room and she said that she will meet us outside the disco.’
‘Great!’ said Becky, the others nodding. I wondered what Louise was like and whether we would like each other.
We ate our dinners and chatted for a while but soon it was time to go and change. Paula, Belinda and I were the only ones on the second floor and we went up in the lift, being too lazy to walk up the stairs. I said my goodbyes to the other girls and went into my room.
Looking at the clock, I saw that it was 6.30...only an hour and a half!
I stripped off quickly and went for a shower; no time for a bath.
I let the water cascade down me and shivered a bit when the water hit my sensitive breasts. I washed my hair and then conditioned it. Once finished, I turned off the tap, jumped out and dried myself off quickly with a towel. Than grabbing a smaller towel, I roughly dried my hair.
The hotel provided a hair dryer and I was soon drying my hair with the help of a mirror. It took a while to dry my hair as it was getting longer and somewhat thicker, but eventually, it was dried and I put it in a ponytail until I was ready to brush it out properly.
I went over to the wardrobe and had a look at my dress, it had a few creases on it, so I plugged in the iron and while waiting for it to warm up, I put on my undies. The bra first, black like my dress. The padding gave me a bit more shape. I was proud of my little buds, but this dress needed a bit of help.
Next the black panties, I popped my testicles in the pocket, they seemed a bit smaller than they used to be. I frowned at the promise that I gave to Sophie about the pills. I would put off that problem until after the weekend, but wouldn’t take any in the mean time. My small penis went between my legs and as the panties were quite tight, I had no problems with bulges.
The iron was hot by now, so I carefully sorted out the creases and then hung the dress on the wardrobe door.
I put off putting on the stockings until after doing my makeup, so I sat down in front of the lighted mirror and painted my face.
As it was an evening do, I decided to put on a bit more dramatic makeup. I had practiced this time and again in the flat and I was getting okay at it.
First I put on the foundation, remembering that with this, that less is best. I didn’t want to have a pancake face! After I was satisfied with the cover, I put some blusher on my cheeks...still not too much but I hoped, just enough. I then concentrated on my eyes; I decided on brown this time as it went nicely with my blue eyes. The first step was that I swept the lighter shade over the entire area from the lash line to the brow line to create a good base. Then I brushed a medium shade on the lower lid to emphasise my eyes even more. Finally, I applied a darker shade of brown along the lash line and outer corner of my eyes as an accent to create depth. Thank goodness for those girlie mags!
I used black eyeliner, on the upper and lower lids, trying hard not to touch my eyes, cos that hurts! Then I applied some mascara on my eyelashes and had to put a second coat because I wanted them nice and thick.
I used some bronzing powder all over my face because I wanted to look like I had a bit of a tan. I nearly sneezed as some went up my nose but managed to avoid it somehow!
I looked up at the clock, ‘Bum, only twenty minutes I still have to sort out my lips!’
First I drew a thin line along the edge of my lips with a lip liner which was a slightly darker shade of pink than my lipstick. Then I applied the lipstick using the wand, very carefully keeping in the edges of the lip liner. After dabbing it a bit to get rid of the excess, I finished it off with a clear gloss top coat sealer.
Time was running out, so I put on the suspender belt, tucking the straps under the panties in case I need to go to the loo. Then I pointed my toes as I slipped on the sheer black stockings as carefully as possible; I didn’t want to ladder them! I shivered as they slid up my smooth hairless legs, they felt wonderful; I definitely liked stockings!
I took my dress off the hanger and slipped it over my head. I didn’t want any makeup stains so I was very careful. When in place, I did up the back zipper.
The dress fitted me wonderfully and my enhanced bra and larger bottom helped make the dress fill out in the right places.
I quickly brushed my hair. I had considered putting it up but decided against, as the last time I tried, it was awful. A touch of hair spray to keep things in place followed by a dab of perfume at strategic points and I was nearly done. I put on my necklace, clip on earrings, (Diamond drop ones, very nice but can pinch after a while) ring and watch and I was nearly done.
I put on my high heeled black patent shoes and wobbled a bit. I did hope that I would be okay in them. I had worn them several times and the pains in the calves seemed to be getting less.
‘Oh the things we girls do for fashion!’ I thought, with a smile.
I was finished at last and I finally had a good look at myself in the mirror. I think I looked okay, I suppose, if people didn’t laugh at me when I go down stairs, it would be all right.
I had to go. I took a deep breath picked up my black bag and I let myself out of the room.
The corridor was empty and glancing at my watch I noticed that somehow I was fifteen minutes late! The clock in my room must have been slow or something.
As the doors of the lift slid silently open, I stepped in and pressed the button for the basement, where the disco was. We had agreed to meet outside and I was worried that they may go in without me.
I stopped again for a moment, remembering that dress and how I felt in it. I had never dressed up like that before. I was more into your normal girl, nothing flashy but feminine all the same, look.
The dress was light and I recalled how the net of the underskirt brushed against my nylon sheathed legs as I moved. It was sensual and very, very nice. I could see my chest more, too with the help of the padded bra. The tiny black beads on the dress glittered slightly under the lights and the whole feeling was of almost being a princess going to a ball.
I sighed and continued...
The lift pinged and the doors opened. I got out and turned right. The disco was at the end of the corridor and I could see some people milling about outside including Belinda and the gang. I could vaguely hear the thump of the music coming from behind the doors, but was more interested in whether I looked okay in the eyes of my new friends.
They were deep in discussion with somebody that I could not see clearly as her back was turned.
I walked up and sort of coughed to catch their attention, En masse, everyone turned around and the conversation stopped.
‘Wow!’ said Belinda, ‘you look lovely!’
The others said similar things, but my eyes were on the stranger.
‘Sorry,’ I said, distractedly, ‘did you say something?’
‘Yes, I said that you look lovely...oh, by the way, this is Louise.’
Louise was about two inches taller than me, I would say about three or four years older than I was. She had long brown hair and hazel eyes. She wasn’t quite as thin as me, but she had a very nice body. Her features were pleasant and open, she had a small slightly pointed up nose and her lips were full and pink. Her makeup was immaculate and she was wearing a black silk organza halter dress that filled her curves perfectly.
‘H...hello.’ I said.
‘So you are the Hannah everyone has been talking about. It’s lovely to see you and I think the same as the girls, you do look lovely.’
I tried to tear my eyes away from hers. She had a lovely soft voice, slightly deeper than mine but still quite lovely. A smile played around her lips and I found it difficult to concentrate on anything or anyone else. I managed somehow with some effort to tell everyone how lovely they looked.
We went into the disco, got some drinks from the bar, diet coke for me, of course and then found a table near the back where the music wasn’t too loud and we could just about here ourselves talk.
I found myself squeezed between Belinda and Louise. Everyone was chatting but me. I had strange feelings not helped by the fact that I was sitting very closely to someone that I obviously felt very attracted to. Belinda must have seen this as she leaned over to me and whispered loudly, ‘She won’t bite, you know; ask her for a dance.’
‘Erm, later maybe,’
I tried to join in the conversation and eventually, started to relax. Louise was talking about her job as a doctor in Harley Street and how disappointed he was that he couldn’t come earlier. Then the talk went to what everyone was wearing and, looking around me, I could see that all my friends had made a special effort and looked quite glamorous.
Casting my eyes around the room, at those that were sitting or dancing; everyone had made a special effort and though some of the styles and colours jarred a bit on some girls, everyone was having a good time and that was nice. I loved the idea of going to a place like this, meeting nice people and above all not worrying about being disapproved of or laughed at.
I jumped slightly as I sipped my coke from a straw.
‘Would you like a dance?’ said Louise.
‘I’m not very good.’
‘Half the people on the dance floor aren’t much good but they are having fun,’
‘Okay,’ I said with some reservation.
We got up and I felt a thrill as Louise immediately held my hand as we walked onto the dance floor.
We danced to some pop music, shouting to hear ourselves.
‘So Hannah, what do you do for a living?’
‘I’m an artist.’
I’m a doctor, oh you know that already.’
‘Yes,’ I shouted in his ear.
‘Are you a good artist?’
‘Not bad, I suppose.’
‘Have you sold many paintings?’
‘I must see them sometime.’
‘That would be great.’
Where do you live?’
‘That sounds nice. I live in north Hampstead, not far from you.’
I just nodded. The song was a bit loud so all conversation stopped as we danced.
I was thinking about what I told her. It wasn’t the strict truth. I was an artist but I couldn’t make enough for that, so I worked in a pub. Also I lived in West Kilburn which was next to but not actually part of West Hampstead and a bit of a dump. Why did I lie, was I trying to make an impression?
The song stopped and then a slow one, ‘Lady in Red,’ of all things came on. I know it’s cheesy, but I do love that song. We came together and I could smell her perfume, it was like wild roses. We got closer and I let her take the lead. I held her hand and put my other hand on her shoulder. She put her arm around my back. It seemed so natural, so right. Without thinking, I put my head on her shoulder; we were more cuddling than dancing. I felt the fast beat of her heart as we danced on the spot. I was in dreamland and I didn’t want it to stop. But of course stop it did.
We stepped apart as another disco type song came over the speakers. Louise looked at me with a puzzled look on her face and I felt embarrassed at my show of affection to a relative stranger. What would she think of me, had I been stupid?
I was surprised as Louise took my hand and led me back to the table. The other girls had gone onto the dance floor and we had the table to ourselves.
‘Do you want another drink?’ said Louise.
‘Thanks that would be nice.’
She went over to the bar, hips swaying slightly as she walked in her high heels. Her hair flicking from side to side.
‘Get a grip, Hannah! ‘I said to myself.
Soon, she was back. It looked like the others were having a marathon session on the dance floor so we were still alone at the table.
She smiled at me. ‘Cheers!’
‘Cheers,’ I said as we touched glasses.
I looked into her eyes and then quickly looked down, concentrating on my drink. This was ridiculous, what would she think of me.
Her hand touched mine and I looked up.
‘Hannah...erm I know we’ve just met, but...but.’
‘But what, Louise.’
She took a sip of her drink, her hand was shaking slightly. I noticed in passing that her nails were perfect and blood red.
‘Please don’t think that I am being forward or anything and tell me if you don’t, but would you...erm...like to get to know me better?’
‘Yes.’ I blurted out without thinking, ‘that would be lovely!’
She smiled beautifully, came around and sat beside me and held my hand under the table. I felt all gooey inside as we moved closer together.
Just then, the others came back, laughing, giggling and out of breath.
Belinda took one look at us and not being backward at being forward, said,’I see that you two are up close and personal.’
I went red and smiled a bit.
I looked at Louise and she looked at me and we both nodded together.
‘Aah, isn’t that sweet,’ said Paula, the others nodding in agreement.
The night continued and we all had a good time. I had several dances with the girls but somehow always ended up with Louise when a slow tune was on.
Eventually Louise whispered in my ear, ‘do you want to go for a walk, it’s a nice warm night and the gardens are flood lit.’
I looked at the others, still on the dance floor. I saw Belinda and mouthed that we were going. She nodded and gave me the thumbs up.
We picked up our handbags and left the disco.
It was a lot quieter outside as Louise led me by the hand into the garden.
It was beautiful, the borders, trees and pathways through the lawns were flooded with gentle lights. We said nothing, just happy in our own company as Louise showed me that wonderful place. We turned the corner and I gasped, as before us was a lake and in the middle a magnificent fountain shooting water into the air, lit by lights underneath that were constantly changing colour.
We turned towards each other and I looked into her wonderful eyes; our heads came closer. Closing my eyes, our lips met and then our tongues intertwined. It was so wonderful; I felt a strange passionate feeling inside that I had never experienced before. We stood there in each others arms for an age; it was a timeless, gentle loving embrace.
‘Yes,’ I said it to myself, ‘loving.’
A gentle breeze caressed my shoulders and I shivered slightly.
We parted, regretfully.
‘It’s getting a bit chilly, shall we go in?’
I nodded, ‘I suppose so.’
We held hands as we walked back into the hotel.
‘What room are you in?’
‘I’m on the same floor, 232.’ We are virtually neighbours.’
We laughed and walked in. Others were going to bed as it was getting late and we passed several couples who had obviously had a good time and perhaps a bit too much to drink.
We got to our floor and walked hand in hand along the corridor. We came to Louise’s room first and stopped. I didn’t want to let go of her and she obviously felt the same.
‘Would you like to come in for a while? I don’t want this night to end.’
I just nodded, knowing instinctively that this was a nice person who wouldn’t do me any harm.
She opened the door and ushered me in. Switching on the light, I could see that her room was the carbon copy of mine.
‘Would you like a drink?’
‘Would it be silly if I asked for a hot chocolate?’
She laughed and said, ‘you are a woman after my own heart, if I have any more coke, I will burst!’
She made the drinks and then brought them over to the sofa where we sat together drinking and being strangely quiet.
I put my cup down on the coffee table and after a minute, so did she.
Almost unconsciously our hands entwined and in moments we were kissing.
My emotions at that time were hard to fathom. I felt safe and warm in her arms. She had taken the lead which I thought was lovely and I had a melting feeling as our lips and tongues kissed passionately.
Eventually, we came up for air and we just cuddled and held hands for a while. We didn’t talk much, we didn’t have to, we were together and that was all that mattered. It was as if we were as one and it made me feel loved and wanted.
‘D...do you w...want to stay the night?’
I looked up into her loving eyes and realised that the last thing I wanted was to leave this room.
‘We...we... d...don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to; we could just kiss and cuddle up, if you like.’
I smiled and sighed.
‘I would like that very much, but I need to get my night things.’
‘Don’t go away.’ I said with a smile as I left her room, went to mine, picked up my satin nightie and toilet bag and returned in just a few moments.
I knocked on the door and she opened it. She had already changed into a lovely pale blue knee length strappy nightie.
‘You look nice.’ I said kissing her gently on the cheek as I walked in.
‘Thanks, I love satin; do you want to change in the bathroom?’
Yes please, I’m a bit shy, it’s all new to me and anyway I need to clean my teeth and spend a penny.’
I went into the bathroom and quickly got undressed. I left my panties on and pulled on my short pink nightie. After using the toilet and washing myself, I cleaned my teeth and then brushed my hair. I left my makeup on because Louise had.
Finally I was ready and I walked back into the bedroom. Louise was already in bed and just the bedside lamps were on, giving the room a soft warm feeling.
‘Which side do you prefer?’ said Louise, smiling.
‘Stay there; I prefer the other side anyway.’
I slipped into bed and we were soon cuddling again. My hand brushed up against Louise’s groin and I noticed that she had no panties on and she had an erection. Without thinking, I stroked her through her nightie.
‘Mmm,’ said Louise, that’s nice.’
Just feeling her penis aroused me, from what I could feel, it wasn’t huge or anything but just nice.
Then Louise returned the favour and put her hand between my legs.
‘You’re wearing panties?’
‘Yes; shall I take them off?’
‘Only if you want to, honey.’
I pulled my nightie up a bit and lifted my bottom, pulling off my panties and releasing my male bits at the same time.
It hurt a bit as my testicles came down, but not much and anyway, I had other things on my mind.
We continued cuddling and stroking each other. Louise had taken off her bra and was flat chested. Her small nipples were erect however and looked sweet and lickable. As I felt her body through the thin slippery fabric I could feel that she had not an ounce of unnecessary fat and a well defined slightly muscular body.
Louise’s hands explored some more, coming to rest on my budding breasts.
‘Are you transitioning?’ she asked.
‘Yes, do you like my little buds?’
‘They feel nice to me. Is that why you haven’t got an erection; you’re on pills?’
‘I hope that your doctor is looking after you okay.’
‘Erm... she is,’
We continued kissing and fondling each other. As her hands wondered over my body, my feelings seemed to heighten. Every touch started to send shivers down my body. We were both getting aroused; even my small penis started throbbing a bit; then I blurted it out.
‘I want you.’
Louise stopped, and said a bit breathless, ‘are you sure?’
‘Yes, but I don’t know what to do.’
‘I’m not that experienced myself but tell me what you want us to do.’
‘That’s what we are doing.’
‘I know, but I...I want...want you inside me.’
‘Are you sure? You won’t be able to do that with me, you aren’t functional that way.’
‘I know, but if you, play with my breasts and things, that would be nice,’
‘Are you really sure. I think I love you and I don’t want to hurt you.’
‘I know I love you. It’s silly, we haven’t known each other for more than a few hours, but I feel safe and warm and loving with you. I know you won’t hurt me.’ I kissed her tenderly on the lips.
I was crying by now. Perhaps it was my messed up hormones or my need for love. I truly didn’t know why I was so forward about this. Normally I was shy and reserved, ready to get kicked when I was already down, but I knew, just knew that my feelings for Louise were the same that she had for me.
‘Okay, if you’re sure. It might hurt.’
‘That’s okay, just be gentle.’
‘I will, honey. I had better go to the bathroom, I’ve got a tube of stuff and it will help a bit.’
‘Don’t be long.’
‘I won’t,’ she kissed me tenderly and got up.
Soon she was back; she had a small plastic tube in her hand the size of toothpaste and a towel.
‘Can you get up a minute, sweetheart? I want to lay the towel down in case it’s a bit messy.’
I got up and watched Louise place a large towel over the bed. She then walked around and hugged me. It was nice standing there with my lover as we kissed and cuddled. She picked at the hem of my nightie and gently pulled it up over my head. Letting it fall on the floor, I did the same for Louise.
Back in each others arms, I felt her warm smooth body against mine. Her penis was up against my belly, hard and strong; my nipples were standing out and felt very sensitive. We kissed some more and I gently rubbed her hard member; she groaned quietly as she lowered her head and licked at my erect nipples.
Soon we found ourselves on the bed. It was gentle and loving, no aggression just love making. Louise asked me to turn on my back and open my legs a bit.
She kissed my nipples again and licked them gently and then kissed me some more and went a bit further down my body, pausing at my belly button for a moment before continuing. Waves of pleasure went through my body and as she finally reached my twitching , by now semi erect but still small member. She touched the end with her fingers and it twitched slightly. Clear fluid dripped from the end and she lowered her head and put her mouth around my penis. She shucked slightly then licked the head. My feelings were strange, I felt like I wanted to cum, but I didn’t climax, the sensation was wonderful and I didn’t want it to stop.
But stop she did as she raised her head and said, ‘you taste lovely. Are you ready to go further?’
I nodded, too breathless to say anything.
Lie down on your side away from me and put your legs up toward your tummy.
I did as she asked; wondering if this was going to hurt much.
‘This won’t hurt; I’m just making your anus as slippery as possible and helping you to relax.’
‘Spread you legs a bit.’
I felt a slippery finger go into my rear end. I jumped slightly as I was very nervous and I didn’t want to spoil it for either of us. She did it again and again and I felt my bottom relax a bit as I got used to the sensation. All the time she was kissing me and caressing me and telling me not to worry. She was so sweet, thinking of me like that. As I was facing away from her, I got a bit frustrated as I wanted to see and kiss her. Soon though she finished and we turned towards each other.
‘Are you okay?’ She said.
‘Yes, that was nice, it didn’t hurt.’
‘Good, now there are two ways we can do this, dodgy style, where you turn around and I go in from behind, that’s the easiest I think or you lie on your back with your legs over my shoulders and we face each other, more intimate and nice. What would you like?’
‘I want to see you.’
‘Okay love, but lets kiss and cuddle for a bit, shall we?’
‘Mmm, we have all night.’
Soon we were French kissing and touching each other in intimate places. We were both aroused to such a pitch that we mutually decided that now was the time.
Louise was on top and leaned over me, opening her bedside drawer. She took a packet out and handed it to me.
‘Can you put it on for me?’
She lay on her back as I opened the packet and took out the slippery condom.
I smiled as I thought of that night of lovemaking. To be truthful, I hadn’t considered using a condom. Of course I know now how incredibly stupid I would have been not to have safe sex, but at the time, I was caught up in something that I had no experience of. I was on a roller coaster and I didn’t think of the possible consequences. It was a good job that Louise had more sense.
Her member stood tall and proud and I couldn’t resist giving it a kiss and a salty lick before I slid the condom down its full length. I then held on to it and stroked it up and down. She arched her hips and moaned so I think she enjoyed it.
Soon we were embracing again and she started to lick my nipples again. The sensation was incredible and it made me feel all the more that I wanted her in me and soon!
I continued stroking and rubbing her member up and down and she started to breath heavily.
‘Are you ready?’ she said breathlessly.
I nodded not able to speak.
I went on my back and lifted my bottom up as she put a pillow underneath me.
She then picked up the tube put some of the oil on her hand and rubbed it liberally all over her penis. It feels strange thinking about it afterwards when I called it her penis, a contradiction in terms? Perhaps, but it didn’t matter at the time and it still doesn’t.
She placed herself over me.
‘Put your legs up over my shoulders if you can.’
I did as I was asked and then Louise gently lowered herself on to me. I could feel the end of her penis as it touched my opening, she used her finger to open me up a bit, sliding it in and out, in and out, after a minute I felt myself relax a bit and she replaced her finger with the head of her penis. It slipped in after a moment’s resistance. She didn’t go fully in, just the tip, in and out, in and out. Once again, I felt myself relax as my sphincter loosened. Louise felt this and she gradually got deeper into me. Her thrusts were gentle and it didn’t hurt like I expected it to. I stroked her hair and body as she gently made love to me, her nipples, not enlarged by hormones, still gave her some sensation and I rubbed them as she gradually thrusted deeper into me. She stopped for a moment and kissed me deeply, her tongue nearly reaching the back of my throat and then continued, gradually getting faster and faster as her excitement increased. Our bodies were sweating now as we started the peak of our lovemaking.
Somehow, my penis had started to leak clear fluid again as I could feel the start of an orgasm. It was unlike any orgasm I had ever felt, less central, more an all body experience. I looked up at my lover and smiled as I panted. She smiled back and then, suddenly thrusting into me more deeply and ever and with a small squeal, she came in me. I thrusted my hips up to meet her as my orgasm got stronger and continued much longer than I thought possible. A minute later, her throbbing inside me reduced and her thrusts got more and more gentle. Finally, I could feel her getting smaller inside me as she stopped and kissed me. I could see tears in her eyes. Tears that were matched by mine as we both realised that we had made love together in a very special way.
Later that night, after a combined and very interesting shower, more lovemaking and a little intimate talking, we fell asleep in each others arms, exhausted but happy.
I woke up gradually the next morning. I found myself spooned in the back of Louise who was still fast asleep. I quietly got up and went to the bathroom, shutting the door behind me. I used the toilet and after cleaning myself, stood up and went over to the wash basin. I noticed that I was a bit sore behind as I walked, but not much, for which I was grateful.
I wiped my face with a cloth; I had no makeup on as I removed it before showering the night before. Louise’s face without makeup was lovely.
We had spoken about things before falling asleep; I can’t remember much but did recall that I told her that I was pre-operative and hoped to get the operation as soon as it was practicable. I longed to feel her inside me as a natural woman would, but knew that due to my personal circumstances the likelihood of that happening any time soon was slim to impossible.
I sighed again and opened the bathroom door. I slipped back into bed, without waking up Louise and it was nice to cuddle up to her warm body again; soon I was asleep.
I woke up gradually to find that Louise had left. After a moments panic, I heard a noise form the bathroom and relaxed again.
I lay back thinking about last night and the special time that I had had with Louise. I could imagine her still inside me as we made love; it was a lovely feeling that made me feel all warm inside.
The door opened and Louise walked in. She was dressed in a flowery cotton skirt and cheesecloth blouse. She looked wonderful.
‘Woken up at last?’ She said with a grin on her face.
‘I have you know, I went to the loo hours ago while you were still snoring.’
‘I don’t snore!’
‘Never mind that; are you staying in bed all day or do you want some breakfast?’
‘Oh... I’ll get up I suppose. What time is it?’
‘Half past eight; you have half an hour or you will miss breakfast.’
‘Okay, okay.’ I said reluctantly getting up from the warm bed.
As I passed Louise, I gave her a kiss on the cheek.
‘Is that all I get?’ She said indignantly.
‘If you want breakfast, you will have to wait. I don’t want to start something that may make us forget to eat.’
She laughed and swatted my bottom as I went past.
I went into the bathroom and then stood there. I had a problem, I needed some clothes. I couldn’t very well go down the corridor dressed in a thin, short satin nightie and I couldn’t go down to breakfast in the clothes that I wore last night.
I opened the bathroom door.
‘Can you take my key and go to my room. Pick out something to wear, pretty please?’
Okay, any preference?’
‘Okay, be back in a mo.’
She picked up my key and left the room.
I sat on the bed and waited. I was a bit sad because this was the day that I would be going home, if that is what I should call it. Would I see Louise again and was this just a fling? I hoped not, considering that I truly loved her.
It was getting dark outside and I needed to turn on a light. I wanted to finish this tonight and then do what I had to do.
I glanced at the bottle of sleeping tablets again and my thoughts turned to death. Would I feel pain or will I just fall asleep? Would I walk toward a light and then go to heaven or can anyone go to heaven after committing suicide? Questions that I would not have answers to, until I took those pills.
Glancing back at the words that I had just written, I wondered how things would have turned out if I had told her the truth...I would never know now. I turned on the light, made yet another cup of tea, sat down and continued...
The door opened and Louise walked in carrying some clothes.
‘I found these; you didn’t bring much, did you?’
‘No, I underestimated what I needed.’
‘You will have to get into the girlie habit of packing far more than you need.’
We both laughed at that as I picked up the clothes. It was the only change that I had left, a lemon strappy summer dress. I would have to wear it with my cardi if it got chilly.
‘Won’t be long,’ I said as I picked up the dress, undies and shoes and disappeared into the bathroom.
I quickly took off my nightie and changed. A small amount of makeup and a quick brush of hair and I was ready in fifteen minutes flat; an all time record for me!
As I walked into the bedroom, Louise was sitting on the sofa. She got up as soon as she saw me.
‘You look edible,’ she said enthusiastically.
‘Have your breakfast first then you might get me for afters.’
We laughed and went down for breakfast.
The dining room was quite full. I could see on the far side that the gang was sitting at our usual table.
As we walked up, everyone said hello. We sat down and started talking about the previous night. We had all enjoyed ourselves and promised to come back on the next one. I looked at Louise who smiled affectionately at me.
This was picked up by the all seeing Belinda who leant across and whispered in my ear, ‘Had a nice night?’
I just nodded and went a bit red.
‘You make a nice couple.’
‘Thanks.’ I whispered back, smiling.
We tucked into our bacon and eggs. I was very hungry for some reason...probably too much exercise.
All too soon we were saying our goodbyes, telephone numbers were exchanged and there was a lot of kissing and cuddling.
I walked up to our floor with Louise. We were both a bit quiet. We reached Louise’s door and stopped.
‘Can you come in?’ she said quietly. Was I getting the brush off?
‘Yes, of course.’
She opened the door and we went into her room. I could still smell our perfume and love making from the night before and the bed had not been made yet. I sighed as I recalled the wonderful time we had experienced here. It was such a wonderful night!
Louise took my hand and led me to the sofa.
We sat down and immediately and, as if it was the most natural thing in the world, started kissing passionately.
After a while, we just hugged each other closely.
‘You know I said that I thought I loved you last night.’
‘And you said that you did love me.’
‘Of course I remember.’
‘Was it just the excitement of the moment that made you say that?’
I moved away from her slightly.
‘I meant every word.’
‘That’s good. I only said that I thought I loved you because I wasn’t sure that you meant it. I didn’t want to get hurt. I have been through a marriage that went sour after my wife decided all of a sudden she hated the thought of being married to a crossdresser. I don’t want to get hurt again. I do love you, with all my heart. I know it’s silly and we have known each other for less than twenty four hours, but my marriage lasted three years and that did not work out, so time means nothing. I knew from almost the first time I saw you that I loved you.’
‘When you turned round and looked at me with those lovely warm hazel eyes, I knew that I was in love with you and that hasn’t changed, Louise.’
‘I’m glad we both feel the same way. Look, have you any plans today?’
‘No. I’m not due at my new job until next week.’
‘Would you like to spend the day with me?’
‘Oh, that would be lovely!’
‘We need to sort out cars.’
‘Well, do you want to go home in your car and I follow you, then we can go on from your place.’
‘My car? Oh sorry, I’m being a bit silly. My car is in for repairs and I had to come by bus and train.’
‘Oh, that must have been hard — it’s a long journey by public transport from West Hampstead to here.’
‘Yes it was.’
‘Well, it saves mucking about, we can go together.’
‘Where will we go?’
‘Well, I know a nice restaurant in Knightsbridge and then we can look around the shops. We don’t need to buy anything, but I love going around Harrods and seeing all those snooty people with their noses in the air, spending their money on overpriced rubbish. After that, we can have dinner somewhere and see what we feel like doing after that. How does that sound? I don’t want to run things or anything. If you want to do something else, that’s fine.’
‘It all sounds great.’
‘Good; do you want to go and pack and I’ll come up for you in a minute?’
‘Erm...I don’t have anything to wear, if we are going to dinner and everything.’
‘Oh, that’s right you didn’t bring much stuff, did you. Look, I’m sure that I can find something here for you, if you don’t mind borrowing.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Of course, honey.’
‘Oh, I do love you.’ I said, leaning over and giving her a warm kiss on the lips.
After a few minutes of rather intense lip wrestling, we parted, rather breathlessly. It took all of our strength not to jump into bed again and I giggled as I wondered what the maid would think if she came in whilst we were mid act, so to speak!
We went over to the wardrobe and Louise opened the doors. She had several tops, skirts and dresses hanging there.
‘Now, let me see. Can I choose for you? I’d like that.’
‘Okay, I trust you.’
‘I hope your trust is well founded.’
‘So do I!’
‘Right,’ she said sorting through the hangers, ‘do you want a dress or skirt and blouse?’
‘A dress if we are going up to town and eating.’
‘Good choice...ah, this should do nicely,’
She pulled out a lovely cream dress. It was a Monsoon, I love dresses from Monsoon! It was a really beautiful Summery Californian dress, with silk trim, short sleeves, and a V neckline. It had a pink silk tie belt and was knee length with a loosely flared skirt and a lovely silk trim, again in pink.
‘Are you sure I and wear this?’
‘Yes, it will look lovely on you, I promise.’
I kissed and hugged her.
‘Thanks, honey, it’s a gorgeous dress; I’ll try not to spill anything on it!’
She laughed, ‘Okay, but we had better not have spaghetti bolognese!’
We both laughed.
‘I’ll go to my room and pack, shall I?’
‘Okay. Will you be ready in about twenty minutes?’
‘Yep, should be.’
‘Right, see you soon...I am going to enjoy today!’
‘So am I!’
I skipped out of the room after giving Louise a peck on her soft cheek and went down the corridor to my room.
When I got in, I placed the dress carefully on the bed and gathered all my things up. I remembered that there were a few things in Louise’s room and hoped that she would remember to bring them when she came up to mine.
I re-read what I had just written. Even now, I couldn’t understand why I had lied to Louise. Maybe it was the pills, my insecurity, and the fact that I was ashamed that I had no job or money. Perhaps I believed that she would not be interested in a person who worked in a pub, had no car and was a failure in every way. I don’t know. All I do know is that every lie and half truth meant that I was digging a hole that I was unable to get out of. I was living for the present and the future had not arrived. I was like Cinderella before midnight when every goes back to being normal. Normal for me meant failure.
I quickly packed my clothes and then stripped down to my panties.
I put on Louise’s lovely dress and loved it instantly. Luckily, it was loose fitting and being a bit thinner than Louise, I could use the silk belt to pull it in a bit. I put on some white sandals and I was done. I then freshened up my makeup, being very careful not to get any on my dress. My hair looked okay, but I gave it a bit of a brush to give it more sheen. Looking at the mirror, I was happy with what I saw. I wasn’t vain, well I don’t think I was anyway, but I thought that I looked quite pretty in that dress. They say clothes maketh the man, well it maketh the woman too!
There was a knock on the door. I went and opened it. Louise was there with her cases; she had my cocktail dress on her arm. She was wearing a blue paisley strappy dress; it had an asymmetrical hem line and was cut on the bias, yummy!
‘You look lovely, Louise, that colour suits you.
‘Thanks, it’s one of my favourites.
I let her in and she put the cases on the bed.
‘You look great in your dress too! Oh, I brought your things,’ she said opening her case, getting out the toilet bag and my used undies.
‘Thanks,’ I said taking them and transferring them to my case.
Soon, everything was packed and we went down in the lift for the last time. We went over to the reception and handed over our keys.
‘Did you have a nice time?’ said Sarah with a smile.
‘Yes,’ we both said together and laughed.
‘That’s good. If you want to come again, there is another weekend in the autumn; we’ll send you the details.’
We thanked her and with a wave, left the hotel.
We walked across the car park, our shoes crunching on the fine gravel. In the corner was a black Mercedes, it looked new and was very shiny, like just out of the showroom.
‘Is this yours?’ I said as we walked up to it.
‘Well, I hope so, otherwise it would be stealing.’
She pressed a button on her key ring and the car sort of chirped, the lights flashed and there was the sound of locks...erm...unlocking.
We went to the boot and she opened it. Putting the cases in, Louise said, ‘do you want to get in?’
I opened the solid door and could immediately smell the expensive leather. The seats were cream and, as I sat down carefully as I didn’t want to crease my dress, it felt like I was sitting in a soft comfortable leather armchair.
‘Hmm, I could get to like this.’ I thought.
Soon, Louise got in and with a squeeze of my leg and a bright smile, started the engine and drove the car down the drive. I looked back at the hotel, where I had found new friends and a lover; where I had lost my virginity and came closer to becoming a woman. The future looked good at that moment, but it wasn’t to last more than twenty four hours.
Driving along, I could hardly hear the sound of the engine. It was like we were hermetically sealed inside. It was so quiet I could hear our breathing. We talked of many things, our likes and dislikes, our tastes in music, (She liked Enya...so did I; I liked Daniel Bedingfield...she didn’t) and food, where we had travelled; it seemed that she had travelled the world before setting down. I hadn’t been further than Brighton!
Soon, we were in London, with its busy streets and crowds everywhere. We got caught in a traffic jam around Marble Arch, where a black cab had had an argument with a cyclist. Finally, we managed to find an underground NCP car park in Knightsbridge and we parked there. I saw the parking charges and paled a bit at the prices!
We got out and Louise locked up. Soon we were out in the bright sunlight. I wanted to hold hands, but wisely just put my arm through hers. It was so crowded with shoppers that I felt a bit intimidated. I never had liked crowds, and dressed like this, I was feeling a bit scared and vulnerable. I felt everyone’s eyes on me and I just held on to Louise like a limpet or something. She sensed my alarm and squeezed my arm affectionately.
We went into a side turning and it was bit quieter. It was pedestrianised and the street had lots of bars and restaurants. Being quite narrow, it was a bit more shaded than the main road. There were tables in the middle and lots of people were seated; drinking and eating in the pleasant summer warmth.
We went to a small restaurant over to one side and walked in. It was noticeably cooler in there, as it had air conditioning.
A waiter came up.
‘A table for you; ladies?
We both nodded and we were led into a corner booth. It was quiet in the restaurant, only a few other parties were dotted around.
‘Would you like a drink before you order?’
‘I’d like diet coke for me please.’
‘I’ll have the same, thanks.’
The waiter left two menus and disappeared.
‘Well Hannah, do you like it here?’
‘Yes it’s nice and quiet...cool too!’
‘Are you hungry?’
‘Well I want something, but after that breakfast, it had better be light. I think I’ll have a tuna salad.’
‘Good choice. Me being a piggy, will have a Spanish omelette and side salad.
The waiter brought our drinks and Louise gave him our orders; he quietly left us after writing down the details.
‘We don’t really know much about each other, do we?’
‘No.’ I said, not knowing where this was leading.
‘I think I need to tell you about myself, is that okay? I want you to know about me because I want you to be a part of my life; does that sound silly?’
‘Of course not.’
‘Well, when I am en drab, my name is, don’t laugh, Eric.’
I kept a relatively straight face, ‘that’s nice.’
‘Don’t lie, it’s a horrible name; my grandfather's and I was the unlucky one to get stuck with it at birth.’
‘That’s much nicer than mine. Anyway, I’m 29 years old. As you know I was married, but it didn’t work out. Have you had any relationships?’
‘Not really, I always thought that I was a square peg in a round hole.’
‘I know what you mean. I’m a doctor, just like my father and grandfather. My dad died about four years ago, He had a surgery in Harley Street and when he died, I took over. My mother died when I was born and I’m an only child.
‘When did you start dressing?’
‘About 4, I suppose, I had a nanny and she lived with us. I went to the bathroom one day and found a slip in the wash basket. I tried it on and haven’t looked back since.’
We both laughed.
‘How about you?’
I was dreading this.
‘Well... I’m 26 years old; my dad left us shortly after I was born and my mother and sister died in an air crash, so I have no near family. I have a few relations up north, but we never kept in touch. I’m starting a new job next week.’
‘Erm... I’m teaching art to autistic children.’
‘Oh that’s lovely. What a worthwhile job!’
‘Erm... yes, I suppose so.’
‘Is it in West Hampstead?’
‘Is what in West Hampstead?’
‘Your job, silly?’
‘Yes...well just outside...Kilburn.’
‘That’s a bit rough there.’
‘Yes, but it’s not too bad.’
‘Well, you be careful, they have a lot of muggings in Kilburn.’
Our dinners arrived and we started eating. My appetite had left me though. All this lying was upsetting me.
‘Why couldn’t I tell her the truth?’ I thought, in despair.
I left half of my dinner, but Louise obviously had the appetite of the righteous as she cleared her plate.
As we drank our coffees, Louise continued to tell me about herself.
‘I live in a nice house in Hampstead, when up in town; I also have a small place in Surrey, I’ve lived there all my life. You’ll like it.’
‘I’d love to see it.’
‘You will, if you like. I can see your place too!’
‘It’s not much, just a flat.’
‘I’m sure that you have made it lovely.’
‘So, Louise, how often do you dress?’ I said, changing the subject.
‘Whenever I can; I always dress when at home, but at work, it’s different.
‘Well, when I took over my father's surgery, seventy five percent of his patients were middle aged or elderly men. They wouldn’t appreciate me turning up in a frock on home visits or at the surgery for that matter.’
‘I don’t see why, it might perk them up, the way you look.’
She laughed, ‘more like give them a heart attack! Anyway, it’s nice to come home and slip into something more comfortable and feminine. How about you, do you dress full time?’
‘Not yet, I will soon though.’
‘Are you definitely having the operation?’
‘Yes, when I can. What about you.’
‘Well, I’ve thought about it, of course, but I’m rather attached to my penis and I like using it like we did last night.’
I blushed a bit as I remembered our night of passion. I leaned across and held her hand.
‘It was lovely; thank you for being so nice.’
‘It was nice, wasn’t it? I hope that we can do it as often as possible.’
‘I do love you Hannah.’
‘Oh, Louise, you can’t imagine how nice it is to hear you say that, I love you more than anything on Earth.’
‘Are we being silly and juvenile? We’ve only just met and yet I feel like I’ve known you for ever.’
‘I know what you mean. They say love is blind, so lead me to the guide dog!’
We both giggled at that and then reluctantly let our hands go as the waiter came up again.
‘Your bill, madam.’
He left it with two mints on a plate and slipped away quietly.
Louise looked at the bill and didn’t faint so I assumed that it wasn’t too high.
I felt awful at not offering to pay some, but I knew how much or how little I had in my purse.
It was a wonderful day, one that, even now makes me smile ,marred only by the lies that were coming out of my mouth. We walked arm in arm around Harrods, looking at the weird and wonderful offerings in the food hall and the expensive jewellery and cosmetics. I saw a clutch bag; it was a fabulous Nancy Gonzalez shimmering silver clutch, with a lovely large bow on the front but when I saw the price, £1400 and the fact that it was made of real crocodile, I went off the idea. Not that I could ever afford it!
I sighed as I remembered the fun and laughter of that day. I grew to love Louise even more, if that was possible. She had a lovely sense of humour and she was kind and considerate to me. I did offer to pay for a few things, but she always said that it would be my turn when I received my first pay from my new job.
Late in the afternoon, found us in Starbucks, I had a frothy coffee (cappuccino) and Louise had an espresso. We found a quietish corner and decided what to do next.
‘What would you like to do now, Hannah?’
‘Well it’s been lovely and I don’t want the day to end, but my feet are a bit sore and I’m tired after last night.’
She looked at me and smiled ‘That wasn’t my fault.’
‘What do you mean, not your fault, you dragged me into bed, screaming and shouting and had your evil way with me.’
‘I think you have your facts wrong, I didn’t hear you complaining much.’
‘Ah that was because I was under your intoxicating spell.’
‘You only drank coke, all night,’
‘Not true, you made me some hot chocolate; it must have been too strong.’
‘Probably, as affected me as well as you!’
We giggled and held hands under the table. We were like two teenagers and it was lovely.
‘Still, if you are tired, I could take you home, or, if you like, you could come to my place for a bit of supper.’
She looked at me shyly but expectantly.
‘That sounds nice.’
‘What, your place or a bit of supper?’
‘Your place silly, as long as it’s not too much trouble.’
‘No trouble at all, honey. I want you near me as much as possible.’
‘When have you got to go back to work?’
‘I have a meeting in Sheffield tomorrow, its late morning and I don’t expect to be back until the following day.’
‘Are you sure you want me to come, you sound busy.’
‘I do want you, please say you’ll come?’
‘Yes, okay, I’d love to.’
A couple of hours later we were going up a gravel drive. I suppose that I had an inkling of what Louise’s house was going to be like, when we reached some large gates at the end of a very expensive road. All the houses along there and there was only six within about a mile, looked expensive, detached and exclusive.
He opened a pair of wrought iron gates with a button on his dashboard and we swished up the long winding drive for about a quarter of a mile.
The house wasn’t a palace or a grand house, like you get in a novel by Jane Austen, but it was large, Victorian, very impressive and about the same size as the hotel we had stayed in the previous night.
‘Wow!’ I said, rather originally.
‘Yes, sorry about this. It’s a bit large and hell to keep clean. I only use the west wing.’
‘It’s nice.’ I said not knowing what else to say.
‘Well its home. I have a housekeeper and a handyman who lives in but they are on holiday until next week. There are two gardeners too, but I share them with my next door neighbour.’
I looked around and couldn’t see another house through the trees or gardens.
‘Oh they live about a mile in that direction.’
‘Sorry, I’m a bit thick. We are in Surrey. I thought you said that you live in Hampstead.’
‘I do, that’s the town house. I use it when I’m working and I can’t get home.’
‘Oh, I forgot you said that you had two homes.’
By this time, we had arrived at the front door. I say door, but I mean doors... Double doors. She let us in and we entered the hall. It was large, stately and had a lovely marble staircase that spit at the top going in opposite directions.
That house was something else, a mixture of modern and old. An indoor swimming pool and a larger outdoor one too. More bedrooms than you can count on your fingers and toes. Several reception rooms, a music room, a cinema room and plenty of others besides. Outside, there were two tennis courts, a croquet lawn, a lake and boathouse and much more. It was a lovely house and put where I live to shame. Louise seemed rather embarrassed about owning such a wonderful place. I think that she had nothing to be ashamed of.
I got up, walked through the mess that was my flat and went to the toilet. The smell was awful in here, but I wouldn’t be smelling anything soon. After using the loo, I came back inside and picked up my pen. I needed to finish this soon before morning anyway...
That evening, we were in the sitting room on a red sofa, cuddling together and occasionally kissing as we listened to a classical CD. It was Mozart I think and the haunting clarinet made my eyes tear up, it was so lovely and romantic. I had already agreed to stay the night and it was nice to know that I would be spending it in this place with the one I loved.
I yawned slightly as the last haunting melody played. Louise noticed that I was tired.
‘Want to go to bed?’
She held my hand as she turned the lights off and we went up the wide staircase to the bedroom.
As we went in, I saw that the bedroom was large but not overly so. It had a double bed and a couple of easy chairs. The carpet was thick, cream coloured and very soft to walk on. There were several paintings on the wall, including a Constable and a Turner...strange them being together as they didn’t get on much in life.
Over by the window, was a large dressing table with a mirror. There was a flat screen TV on the wall and an expensive looking sound system nearby. The room was decorated in soft pink and the bed had a net canopy. It was definitely a feminine room and I immediately loved it to bits.
We looked at each other and our eyes locked together. I went towards her and she opened her arms. Soon we were kissing passionately. All thoughts of sleep left me as we slowly undressed each other. She unzipped my dress and it fell to the floor I did the same with hers. We embraced each other and kissed passionately. She was so warm and her skin was soft and sensuous, after a delicious moment, she led me to the bed. We sat down and removed each other’s bra. Released from the constraints, my nipples started to harden and tingle. We lay back on the bed with me underneath. I gently pulled her silky panties down, releasing her stiff member. It felt hard against my body and I ached to feel her inside me.
Louise then helped me off with my panties and after a moment, we were naked in each others warm embrace. She stroked my hair and licked my earlobes as I stroked and held her pert smooth bottom. It was lovely lying there in the arms of my lover. I felt no pressure, no need to rush things. We had all night and the love and the intensity even exceeded the first time we made love the previous evening.
I wasn’t apprehensive any longer. I wasn’t going into unknown country. I knew that she loved me as much as I loved her. Any inhibitions I may have had were no longer there and it almost made me cry with happiness as she whispered repeatedly that she loved me and wanted me more than life itself. Soon, we could not hold back any longer. She helped lubricate me as she did the night before and her fingers explored and relaxed me so that I could receive her wonderful gift.
This time, we agreed that we should try to make love a different way, to see if we would enjoy it more. I slipped a condom on her and made it slippery for her and then I went down on all fours on the bed. Louise entered me gently and gradually from behind. It hurt momentarily as I was still a bit sore from the previous night’s lovemaking, but soon she was thrusting gently and deeply into my body. It seemed easier this time as I felt every ridge of her member caressing and rubbing deep inside my willing body. I gasped as Louise was able to use her hands to heighten the intense feeling that I was experiencing. She fondled my breasts and my tiny throbbing penis until I felt my body grow tense with desire and pleasure. As she thrusted, my body arched to join her. We gradually got faster and faster until in a moment of intense pleasure that was mind numbingly wonderful, we both climaxed simultaneously and shouted, almost screamed with mutual love and delight. I felt several wonderful aftershocks of pleasure as Louise continued to push into me while she was still quite hard. I could then feel her soften and then come out of me. We turned together and hugged. We both had tears in our eyes. Not tears of pain but tears of love, passion and understanding.
‘I love you so much that it hurts, my darling.’ I said. ‘I have never been happier.’
I stroked her hair as we kissed deeply and fully, our tongues exploring each other, tenderly.
Our warm sweaty bodies were as one as we explored each other more that night. It was nearly dawn when we fell asleep in each others arms.
I had to stop. It was too intense; tears were flooding down my face as I remembered our love making. My heart literally ached at the loss of my love and the position that I now found myself in. I regretted every single lie and falsehood that I had uttered and my heart was broken. I went to sit in my armchair, clearing it of the mess and then sinking in it. I cried my heart out and I had no one to comfort me or be with me on this night of grief.
Eventually, I was all cried out and I shakily got up and went into the bathroom. I found a cloth and wiped my tear ridden face. I felt calmer now, my emotions less jagged and on edge. I dried my face with a towel and went back to my desk. Picking up the pen, rather shakily I carried on...
In the morning, I woke up to light streaming through the window. Louise was looking at me and was smiling. We were both naked still and she was stroking my hair.
‘Good morning sleepy head.’
I smiled and yawned at the same time.
‘I have to get up. I have this meeting in Sheffield.’
‘Shall I get up now?’
‘No, stay where you are; I have to rush about a bit and you may get knocked over or something!’
I giggled sleepily.
‘I suppose I have to get up anyway. I have to get home.’
‘Well, I can’t stay here, can I?’
‘What do you mean?’
She leaned over and kissed me.
‘Look, I love you and you love me; correct?’
‘None of that or I’ll give you the slipper! Now pay attention and stop playing with me down there, it’s distracting.’
‘Good girl. Now to be serious, I want you to stay with me, if that’s what you want. What’s the point of living apart when we can live together?’
‘I...I don’t know,’
‘Would you like to live here and see how we get on?’
I was still tired and full of the afterglow of our lovemaking. I wasn’t thinking straight and didn’t think things through. All I could imagine was waking up in the morning with my lover in my arms.
‘Yes, I would love to!’
She smiled and kissed me again, tenderly.
‘Look, I have to get going. I know you haven’t got a car here, but there’s a mini in the garage, use that, it’s insured. I’ll leave the keys and a key to the house on the kitchen table. Go home and get some things and I’ll see you tomorrow when I get back.’
‘Do you want me to stay here tonight, then?’
‘Yes, if you want to.’
‘I would rather wait until you’re here, it’s a big house.’
‘I know what you mean. It’s a bit overpowering until you get used to it. Okay, if you want, spent the night at your place and then come back tomorrow, we’ll have more time to talk then. You probably need some clean clothes, take what you like, I have plenty, but leave my LBD as I am dying to wear it for you!’
I giggled, ‘okay sweetie,’
She got up and I watched her lovely round bottom go into the bathroom. I shut my eyes and must have drifted off.
I was gently shaken awake.
‘Sorry love, I have to go now.’
I prised my eyes open and saw Eric in a suit and tie looking down at me. He looked sweet and businesslike and I loved him...I still preferred Louise in a skirt though!
He kissed me on the lips, looked into my eyes and said. ‘I love you and miss you already.’
‘Well you had better get back quickly then. I bet you’re wearing knickers!’
He laughed, ‘French knickers, actually, see you tomorrow,’
‘Bye, love, drive safely,’
He left the room, picking up a brief case as he did so.
Soon, I could hear the front door close and the sound of an engine starting. I was on my own.
I must have fallen asleep again but then woke up suddenly. For a moment, I didn’t realise where I was, then it came back to me and I sat up in bed.
The house was quiet and I was alone. I had a fuzzy recollection of my conversation with Louise. I was going to move in with her. I smiled almost disbelieving my luck. I had found my soul mate I was going to be happy living with the person I loved.
I got up, put on my silk robe and went down to the kitchen for some breakfast, I sat down tenderly on a stool, I was still sore from last night’s antics but it was a nice sore!
I had some cornflakes and toast; it was enough for me. A girl has to watch her figure!
After breakfast, I went back upstairs, looking around me and marvelling at how lovely this house was. Going into the bathroom, I had a quick shower, making sure my hair was kept dry by using a shower cap.
After drying my hair, I went back into the bedroom and opened the walk in closet. There were what seemed to be hundreds of dresses skirts and blouses. I saw a nice cream long sleeved silk blouse and black knee length pleated skirt. I pulled them out and put them on the bed. Then I took some panties out of a drawer. I had been clever enough to wash out my stockings whilst still at the hotel, so I put on my suspender belt and slipped the stockings up my legs and attached them to the suspenders. I then put on my white bra, it needed a wash, but it would do for now and anyway, in my defence, Louise’s didn’t fit me.
Soon I was dressed. I made the bed and tidied up a bit, put on my black shoes, picked up my cases and went downstairs. My heels clicked on the marble stairs as I walked down. I imagined myself in a long flowing evening gown, tiara on my head, wearing lovely glittering jewellery and on the arm of Louise as we came down the stairs to join everyone at the ball.
I went into the kitchen, picked up the keys and walked out of the house, locking the door behind me. The double garage doors were open and I saw the silver coloured mini sitting there. I opened the boot and put the cases in there.
I then got in and started the car, revving the engine a bit as it felt sporty.
The car had sat nav, so I keyed in my post code and let ‘Jane’ guide me to my destination, a little over an hour away.
I drove the car down the long gravel drive. I hadn’t driven for a while, but the Mini was easy to drive and it only took a few moments to get used to it.
At the end of the drive were the gates; closed of course. There was a button on the dashboard that simply said ‘Gates’ and I pressed it.
As if by magic, the gates slid open and I drove through.
Looking in the rear view mirror, I could see them closing after me.
‘Neat!’ I thought.
As it was near the middle of the day, the roads weren’t too busy. I had driven about half way before I realised that I was dressed as a girl and not a man. I shrugged, if anyone asked, I was my cousin! Knowing that I could pass, helped my confidence a lot and I had no fear of being outed or anything like that.
Soon, I was outside my flat. It was fairly quiet, most people being at work, I let myself in the front door and walked up the stairs. No one saw me which meant I didn’t have to explain myself.
I got to the top of the stairs and walked down the short corridor. I could smell something not quite pleasant. Reaching for the door, I noticed with horror that the lock had been smashed and it was slightly ajar.
I tentatively pushed the door open; frightened that someone would be in here.
As I walked in I dropped my cases and cried out as I saw the wreckage of my home.
The smell was awful, furniture was broken and excrement covered the walls and the bed.
Someone had urinated over most of my drawings and paintings and had trashed the rest. On the wall opposite me, written in red felt tip, was written FAG, QUEER and COCK SUCKER.
I picked my way over to the bed and lifted the mattress. I kept an envelope there, my emergency money, one thousand pounds, it was gone.
My chair and table were the only thing untouched, so I sat down. I was numb, in shock I suppose. I looked over to the mantelpiece where my favourite picture of my mum, sister and me was and noticed that the glass frame had been smashed.
The damn broke and I cried my eyes out. My body heaved with the loss of all my worldly possessions.
After an unknown time, I stopped crying and took stock of myself.
It was my fault; I shouldn’t have lied to Louise. I deserved to have this happen to me. I didn’t deserve to be loved by Louise and I didn’t deserve to live.
What had I to live for? When Louise found out that I was a liar, she wouldn’t want anything to do with me. I would be on my own again, unloved and unwanted. I had no money, no paintings and drawings, no savings, nothing. I had a dead end job that paid badly and I lived in a dump. My family had gone and I had no one to turn to. It was obvious to me what I had to do...rid the world of a failure.
I got up and went to the bathroom, picking my way through the mess. The bathroom cabinet was open and the pots of pills were strewn across the floor. Searching around I found the sleeping pills, prescribed by the doctor after my mum and sister died, it was nearly full so I had enough for what I needed.
I sat down and looked at them. Yes, it would be an easy way out, but first I needed to write to Louise, she deserves that.
I found a pen and some paper from under the bed and I sat down and wrote to my Louise...
I finished writing; it was dawn now, the start of a new day for some...the start of the last day for me.
I made a cup of coffee, luckily the fridge had been left alone and I still had some milk in there.
I sat back down at the table and picked up the sheets of paper and started to read what I had written.....
For much of the time as I read, I smiled; remembering the nice times. I glossed over the times that I had lied to Louise, not wanting to sully her memory with my sordid deceit.
As I read, my attitude changed slightly... What if?
I thought for some time, should I and was it right?
Louise deserved better than this. I loved her with all my heart.
I sat there for some time, weighing the pro’s and con’s, undecided and then, looking at the torn photograph of my family on the mantelpiece and the waste of life, I decided.
I tore up the original letter that I had written to Louise, put the papers together and stood up and took a deep breath. Going over to the mantelpiece, I grabbed the photo frame, shook the shards of glass out and put everything into a plastic carrier bag. I went to the door and picked up my cases; going out, I didn’t look back or close the door.
I went downstairs and out into the morning sunshine. The air was cleaner out there and as I breathed in, I felt cleaner inside.
I put the cases and the plastic bag in the boot and drove off.
The roads were busy and it took nearly two hours to arrive. I pressed the button on the dashboard and the gates opened. Louise wasn’t there yet, I didn’t expect her to be. I drove up to the front door, took my cases and plastic bag out of the boot and let myself in.
I went into the cool kitchen and took the papers out. Putting them on the table, I found a pen and paper and wrote a note to Louise.
My darling Louise, please read these papers. It shows you who I really am. In the village, there is a small park. I will be sitting on the seat, by the duck pond at 5.00pm this evening if you still want to talk to me. If you don’t, I honestly and truly understand.
I put the note on top of the papers. Then I went out of the house, down the drive and using the side gate, let myself out.
Some time passed, I walked through the countryside, resting when I felt tired and reflecting on my life and what I had done with it.
I finally found a path through some woods and walked down the path until I found a small river. There was a grassy bank there and a tree that had fallen. I sat on the grass with my back against the tree trunk and shut my eyes.
It was peaceful there, just the sound of running water and the wind whispering through the trees. I was exhausted; the lack of sleep was catching up to me. Without realising, I slept.
I awoke to the sound of sniffing and jumped slightly as before me was a dog, it was a lab, I think. He licked my leg and then sat down in front of me, tail wagging.
‘Hello, there, where have you come from?’ I said yawning and rubbing my eyes.
I stroked his head and he seemed to like that. I heard a noise from the side and two boys came through some bushes and stopped.
‘Sorry Miss,’ said one, ‘Shep, leave the lady alone!’
‘That’s all right, he was only saying hello.’
‘Okay, come on Shep, its tea time!’
The boys ran off laughing and Shep, after giving me another lick on my knee and a quick tail wag, was off in pursuit of the happy boys.
I looked at my watch, it was 4.30 and I needed to get going. I got up and brushed some dry grass off the back of my dress and walked back the way I came.
I was more refreshed after my sleep, and I could think a bit more clearly. I didn’t really think that Louise would meet me. Why would she? I was somebody who had lied to her; perhaps she would think that I lied to her about saying that I loved her. Far from it, I ached at the thought of losing her.
Eventually, I was in the park and sitting on a bench by the side of the pond. There were children over in the corner with their mothers in the small cordoned off playground. I smiled as I watched them play on the swings and roundabout. It left me wishing that I too could have children.
It was twenty past five now... Louise wasn’t coming.
I faced the future;. no more putting off. I decided that ending my life would not be the answer. I would go back to Kilburn, try to sort out the mess in my flat, get a different job, as a girl, I wasn’t going back to being a boy again. I would look for opportunities elsewhere. There must be something I could do and giving up was not an option any more. I was young, healthy and there must be a future somewhere, somehow.
I am a great lover of old weepy films, I love Gone With The Wind and had seen it many times. I remembered Scarlett O'Hara's final words... ‘After all, tomorrow is another day!’
I hoped I would get over the loss of Louise and be able to face the future without her...
I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up...it was Louise!
‘I...I...I’m so sorry!’
I broke down and cried, my head in my hands as I sobbed.
I could feel her sit next to me and then her arms going around my shoulder.
‘It’s all right, stop crying...it is all right.’
I looked up at her lovely face; she had tears in her eyes...eyes that showed compassion and kindness. I loved her so much!
She was talking and I tried to take in what she was saying.
‘I was late coming home; I left a message on the answer phone. When I got home, I went straight upstairs for a shower and a change of clothes. I thought that you hadn’t got back yet.
I saw your letter when I went into the kitchen. As soon as I saw it, I knew there was something wrong. I thought that you had changed your mind about us. I went into the sitting room and read everything through. I was so sad and cried when I saw what you had written. It doesn’t matter about the lies, I don’t understand fully why you did it, but I can understand that you thought that I would think less of you if you were not what you said you were. But you are so wrong; I love the you inside, I couldn’t care less if you have no money, job or anything else. I have found you and I don’t want to loose you. I want you to live with me and we can decide our future together...no more lies or half truths, we don’t need them. I want a partnership, a loving one, based on trust and understanding; is that what you want?’
I looked into her lovely eyes and realised what a fool I had been. If I had told the truth, none of this would have happened and I would be the happiest person alive. I still had the chance to make amends; I still could be the girl I have always felt I was. Louise had forgiven me and she still loved me, that was all that mattered.
‘Yes, that’s what I want. I love you, so much.’
We walked arm in arm back to the house; we said little,. words were for another time. Things may not go smoothly, and I might make a fool of myself again, but I knew with Louise by my side, I had been given another chance...My love had not Gone With The Wind, after all.
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