I haven’t been in a shelter for a really long time. I think I was five back then. I forgot how crowded they were. People everywhere. Last time I had to stay in the nursery with the really young kids and toddlers. Probably the only place where I was one of the biggest. This time they gave me a small room. There was a small window on the top of the ceiling which was on the ground outside as we were in the basement. It had a bar in front of said window on the back wall to hang clothes on even though I couldn’t reach it. A small garbage can, a dresser and a bed. Well it was sort of a bed. Just a metal frame with a bunch of wire and springs on the bottom and a thick mat on top. I heard some of the other's calling it a cot. It was way smaller than a normal bed and much lower to the ground. I don't need a lot of space so whatever.

I didn’t like it here at all but at the same time I really wasn’t looking forward to the “Best Place” Kelly was going to find for me. She just seemed too happy to be believed. I think she believes it though.

I explored a bit with the rest of my first day here. There was a television in a big room but there were so many people in there all the time. There was another television in the nursery playing cartoons for the little kids. It was kind of quite in there and not too many big people but the little kids kept trying to play with me. There were always people sleeping too. Once you get away from the television room the noise was replaced by people snoring.

When Ashley and I would go out shopping or somewhere with Mrs. Stella, Ashley showed me a trick. Because of my hair and the fact that I was wearing her old clothes, she would drag me into the girls bathroom with her. I felt really uncomfortable at first but there was no way I was going to go into the boys alone. I would rather have wet pants all day than that. The boys smelled a lot of the time. So did some of the girls but at least the girls always had more stalls and doors. I could never use the toilet in a place like that, was bad enough at the Lopez’s house. Even then only when I really had to. When in a store I would lock myself in a stall while Ashley would stand guard, then I could change my goodnight when I needed to. Stella was good about always keeping some in her purse.

This place didn’t have any men in it. There were a few older boys and they only had one smaller version of the girls bathroom. They seemed to hang out in there. They used it as some kind of clubhouse or something. When I tried to go in everyone just looked at me and then laughed. I quickly left. Nobody would really notice me when I went into the girls bathroom but it was always crowded. People putting on makeup or washing it off. There was always a line of people waiting to pee as it only had four stalls. There was another line of people waiting to shower.

I just sat in my room and read my books again. The braid book was on top but I couldn't look at it, just made me miss Ashley more. Kelly came by when it was time to eat. She showed me how to get the food and even sat with me while I ate. She said she was sure I would only be here a couple days and to “Hang Tough” whatever that meant. She told me when breakfast, lunch and dinner were and that if she could she would sit with me then too. She kept asking me questions like if I needed anything and if anyone was bothering me. At least she didn’t ask me if I liked it here. When it was getting late she brought me an extra blanket which was nice. The place was always just a little cold.

I woke up sometime in the night. I needed to poop. I had to poop all day but there were always so many people in the bathroom and it just felt too dirty. My germs are bad enough I don’t want to sit on a toilet especially in a place like that. It must have been really late because my goodnight was wet but I was still really tired. Goodnights usually didn’t hold too much. If I wet more than a couple times while I slept they would leak but I got use to washing my sheets at the Lopez house. This one was mostly used and I really needed to poop. Hopefully this late nobody would be in the bathroom. I put my clothes back on as I usually just slept in the goodnight and lurked toward the bathroom. I got to the men's room and heard people laughing in there so I just walked past to the girls. It was less packed now, but there were still way too many people in here to do anything.

Back in my room and with my clothes off I still really needed to go. I thought about just using the garbage can for a minute. Instead I just pulled down the goodnight a little so my poo wouldn’t squish all over my butt. I got on my knees and bent back holding onto the bar at the end of the bed so I didn’t fall back into my poo, that would have been grose. It was not a very pleasant experience but definitely better than using those bathrooms. Honestly I think I’d rather go in my pants fully dressed than try to sit on a toilet in some public bathroom. Other people's germs on top of the fact that they were way too tall and it makes me feel like I’ll fall in. I can’t reach the floor and there's nothing to hold onto that I really wanted to touch. I slowly took it off when I was done so it didn’t spill onto the floor and rolled it up as well as I could. I pulled out a used one from my trash can and tore it open so I could use the dry back part to clean myself. I buried the heavy one near the bottom hoping it wouldn't smell too bad. Tomorrow I would need to find out where I could throw these away.

With that as done as I could do, I went to my bag and put on the last of my goodnights. I forgot I only had one left. It was half full when we left the Lopez house. I didn’t want to even use this pack because it was one of the ones for girls they would buy when the boys were sold out. These were purple with the Little Mermaid on them and that yellow fish. Half a bag would have lasted longer but I couldn’t pee here like I did when at the Lopez house. At least when I remembered I needed to pee. Sometimes I would just start to go before I realized it. Usually when I was reading and just kept putting off stopping to go to the bathroom. Even then half the time I noticed I would just shrug it off and keep going anyway. Using a bathroom even a clean one in a house just seems like a big waste of time. Nothing to do about it now. I’m still tired anyway. Maybe Kelly can get me some more tomorrow I thought as I went back to sleep.

“Sweetheart, it's time to get up honey.” I heard from Kelly.

It felt like I just drifted off again why was she waking me up already. As my eyes cracked open however there was light coming in from the window. Wow I must have slept like a log. Like every morning the first thing I did was check my goodnight. I had wet again some, not too bad.

“What is that smell?” Kelly asked as she stepped into the room.

Then I remembered all of what happened last night and now I could smell it too. The room smelled like my poo.

Kelly found the garbage can and as she picked it up she pulled her head back. “Oh honey, I’m sorry I didn’t know it was like this.”

Kelly turned to me holding the garbage. I looked down to see the mermaid looking up at me, grabbing a blanket I covered myself. The empty bag from the goodnights was still in the middle of the floor. I leaned over picking it up. Putting my other hand in it and moving it around I looked up at Kelly trying to let her know I needed more.

“Did you run out Avery?” Kelly asked and I nodded. “I’ll see what I can find.” Kelly said taking the empty bag from me and adding it to the garbage as she looked at it. “We need something more appropriate for you anyway it seems.” She said looking at the mermaid on the bag. “I’ll take care of this and get you more, supplies.” Kelly said as she glanced at the smelly trash. “I should be back in a couple minutes if you need to wait for more, breakfast is in a little over an hour, plenty of time.” Then she turned and closed my door softly.

Great, they had more and it sounded like she was going to bring the ones for boys too. I thought as I standed to get my clothes ready. Looking down I smirked and let myself pee. “Goodbye Princess” I thought to myself as the half fish got more wet. Now I really needed to change so I just grabbed a book and stood for a bit to let everything soak in so it didn't squish out. Then sat on my bed to read and pass the time.

A knock knock to my door followed by a pause. It opened and Kelly in full perky mode came smiling in. She had my empty garbage can in one hand and another white can that looked like one of those metal trash cans people use for the garbage man to pick up. This one was smaller and made of plastic It already had a bag in it I could see it around the lid. She replaced the now empty regular can on one side of the dresser and put the new white can with a lid on it on the other side.

“Everything you need is inside here. It was the only way I could carry it all. I’m not sure where you want everything so I’ll just leave it for you. They should be better for you. I’m sure you know what you were using was not exactly made for you.”

I nodded in agreement and might have even half smiled. I hate it when people talk about my wetting problems but this mermaid had to go. Boys were not supposed to wear purple princess or mermaid anything. I looked at the little flower pattern on the back pocket of the skinny jeans I took out for the day and almost let out a sigh. The shirt was a plane purple long sleeve t shirt, but this was a dark purple not a girl purple. Well not pink anyway. I knew I was reaching but at least nobody picked on me for being a boy wearing girls clothes. Kelly was still standing there. I was waiting for her to leave but she was just standing there.

“Um, do you need help...getting...into...everything?” Kelly asked hesitantly. I frantically shook my head no with wide eyes. “Alright then, I’ll be back soon for breakfast.” Kelly quickly replied. Her perky coming back from fading to full as she finished the sentence.

With a shrug I got up to unpack the white can. The first thing on top was 2 packages of “Fresh Scent” baby wipes as well as a large bottle of baby powder with lavender scent. Confused I tossed the powder onto the bed, curious as to what exactly fresh scent was I set those on the bed too. In the bottom were 2 packages but they weren't goodnights...Colored dark red and white it said Tranquility ATN XS on the top.

This was totally not what I expected, or wanted for that matter. Taking a package out and looking at it. All through the night disposable briefs premium protection. The package said. It had a little symbol in the corner with two and a half cups in it and said 18.5 oz. How much was 18.5 oz. I opened the package and took one out. This was not a bedwetting pull up like I was use too. This was a diaper like a baby would wear but bigger, and way thicker and with 4 tapes. I looked down at the mermaid who was swimming, I think her smile was bigger now. Then as if clinging for hope I looked back into the can as if what I wanted would somehow appear. It didn't, There was a couple pieces of paper printed from a computer. Wiki How, it was instructions on how to put these on standing and laying down. Did Kelly think I poop myself all the time?

I just sat on the bed for a minute or two. I couldn’t keep the mermaid on it was full. I thought about simply refusing to wear these but then I had a thought of Kelly and some big guy putting it on me anyway. With a sigh I turned to the instructions. Standing seemed a little difficult but the laying down seemed easy enough. “It can't be that bad.” That's what I tried to tell myself anyway.

Decision made, I stood and tossed the mermaid into the pail. At least these were white on the outside. The inside was peach colored. The outside was white with a cloth like cover. There was plastic under it I could hear it as I opened the diaper...my diaper. I used the baby wipes to clean myself from last night. Then because there was no way I was going to shower I decided to improvise.

Cleaner and feeling a little better I went back to the task I was trying to forget I needed to do. I opened the powder but was squeezing too hard and a bunch of it sprayed up covering my chest and a little of the floor. Coughing slightly from the dust I tried to brush it off but being a little damp from the wipes it didn't work. Best I could come up with was just to rub it around until I couldn’t see it.
The directions seemed overly complicated. The concept seemed simple enough. I put a light coating of powder onto the inside of the diaper. The directions said to powder the person I didn’t see a difference. The instructions said a lot about rashes and I really didn't want to know what that would be like. It also said to not use a lot of powder because it can cause leaks. Which also didn’t make sense. I think I got it right but I guess I’ll find out.

I layed down on top of the diaper and spread my legs wide. Pulling the front up I adjusted myself a bit till the front and back were about the same height. I learned a long time ago to point my “bits” down unless I wanted wet pants. With that done and remembering there was something tricky about the tabs I double checked the instructions. Smoothing out the front and bringing up one side fastening first one lower tape tilting it slightly up. Then smooth the other side and repeat. Making sure the under flap part of the sides stayed smooth I fastened the top tab slightly tilted down on both sides. The pictures made it pretty easy for the most part. Other than the part where now I’m wearing a giant baby diaper and smell like lavender and “fresh” from the powder and wipes.

It’s definitely thicker than the goodnights. More than twice as thick if I had to guess. It felt really thick when I stood up. I moved around a bit and kind of squatted a couple times to try and get it to sit right. I must have looked like a fool had anyone been watching. It crinkled a lot more than the goodnights even with the cloth outer cover.

When I got my pants on the noise was almost completely gone. Luckily my pants were not tight to begin with and they were stretchy jeans. It's hard to see but it didn't look totally obvious to me I was wearing a baby diaper. At least I hope so. The big problem was these diapers come up a lot higher than my goodnights. There was more than two or three inches over the top of the jeans. Now I know why they call them low rise jeans… At least the shirt goes down to just above the top of the back pockets so unless I’m moving in some really odd way nobody should be able to tell...That's what i tell myself anyway. I don't know what I’ll do if people just start laughing at me. Honestly it does feel kind of nice. Secure and safe feeling. I'll never admit that to anyone but it's a little true. Like the goodnights only more so.

Another knock came to my door a few minutes later. I just finished braiding my hair, dutch braid. The door just cracked a little and Kelly’s face peeked in. I think she really didn’t want any part of my diapers. The idea of me asking her for help just so she would be as uncomfortable as me passed through my mind but then I realized she would need to touch me to make that happen and it vanished.

Her face went from trepidation to perky as the door went from a crack to full open when she realized that I did indeed have clothes on. I never put the stuff away either so there was the opened package of diapers on my bed with the wipes and powder laying out. I kicked most of the powder on the floor around so you couldn’t see it anymore but the room still said that a diaper change just happened. If it embarasses you or hurts you and you can’t stop it, own it. Learned that a long time ago. So I just made eye contact and gave a weak smile.

“Hi Avery.” Kelly said as she came into the room. She took in the scene and spotting everything all over the bed quietly closed the door. “Do they fit, I noticed they were extra small, their not too tight are they baby...um, honey?”

She actually blushed a little. Maybe I did too because I just looked at the floor and shook my head no. Heck no they weren't too tight they were huge. She shook off her whatever that was then firming herself, perk back on and took a step toward me raising her hands as if to check. I quickly took a step back and she froze. She seems genuine but we just don't really know how to deal with each other.

“They just started serving breakfast, are you all set then?” Kelly said as she looked at my bed and all the stuff again.

I quickly grabbed the diapers and set them on the floor next to the diaper pail. Then I stacked the wipes and powder onto the unopened pack of diapers. Pulled my blankets up a bit so it looked neater and set the book I was reading onto the dresser next to my hair stuff. Less than a minute and the room was presentable. Not Ashley presentable, but not like it was.

She noticed the brush and all the hair ties. Then looked at me and might have just realized my braid from yesterday was replaced with a clean neat well done braid. “Did you braid your own hair like that Avery?” Kelly asked.

I smiles for real this time and nodded yes. Her eyebrows went up and she looked genuinely impressed.

“Wow Avery that's really good. I can't possibly do that. Even with an hour and a mirror, I don't even think I could do it to another person to be honest. Your very good, you should be proud.” Kelly said. She really meant it and it did make me feel good even if she did pile it on a bit thick. It can't be that hard it was in a book for beginners after all.

After breakfast Kelly said she wanted to show me something. As we were walking there she said “You smell really nice Avery, very pretty.” I just smiled.

She was trying to be nice but I really wasn't trying to smell pretty. I suppose it’s better than stinking because I haven't showered today. There was another door on the far side of the television room. I never noticed it because there were so many people in that room all the time I didn’t stick around long enough to look. It was a children's library. My eyes went wide. It wasn’t huge like the one at school. There were a lot of books for me to read though. There was even a couch and a couple tables. The best part though. Nobody was in here.

“They lock the door at 7pm.” Kelly said. “Your not suppose to take books out.” Kelly said. “If you don't tell anyone though I don't think anyone would notice if you took one back to your room at night. As long as it came back in the morning” Smiling Kelly actually winked at me.

I was already smiling and the wink almost made me snort. Maybe this place wouldn’t be that bad after all. I started looking at all the books and quickly found the section with books I could most likely read. I barely noticed when Kelly said she would be back for lunch in a few hours. A few hours later she must have said my name more than once when she tried to get my attention to go to lunch. I frowned a little when she made me leave the book until after. When we finished eating she walked with me back to the library. I wish she would have left me alone to go because I really wanted to run.

After dinner I was really trying to hurry. Dinner was at six and Kelly said the library got locked at seven which meant now I only had like half an hour to get there and find a book for the night. I can’t wait for her slow walk so I pulled ahead of her maybe five feet. I wasn’t running, I swear. I heard Kelly’s heels click faster behind me.

“Avery” She said. She had to know why I was in a hurry. Click click click went her heels. “Avery, please stop dear.”

Ugh what now. Why was she trying to keep me away. She came up to me and almost leaned in as if to whisper me a secret. She caught herself though and looked around the mostly empty hallway. Most of the people were still eating or in one of the public rooms.

With her hand next to her mouth as if whispering in my ear but from three feet away Kelly said. “Your um, your leaking.”

My eyes went huge. With all the new books I completely forgot about not just peeing but my diaper all together. I quickly reached a hand back in what I hoped was a casual gesture. Sure enough I was wet. I can't walk around like this. There might still be time. Getting my bearings my room was just a little back the way we came and down the other hall. I need to hurry. I darted off toward my room. I would argue I was not running just walking really fast, but I don’t think I would win that argument.

Other than the needing to completely take off my pants. Putting on a new one of these diapers didn’t take all that much longer. Rip the old one off and roll it up. Open the new, bit of powder then lay down and center and then fasten. That easy. The crazy part was when I realised just how heavy the now soaked diaper was. I had it on since morning and used it all day as it was intended. Almost twelve hours. If I had my normal goodnights I would have used like 5 or so at least. I looked at the back of my pants. They were a little wet in two crest shapes under the butt. Anyone that has ever been around babies knows the only thing that makes marks like that is a leaking diaper. I set them onto the bed and grabbed the pair I had on yesterday. They were mostly the same, sans butt flowers in lue of wavy lines and swirls. Thankfully when Ashley realised that I would likely be getting her old clothes she stopped buying the really girly stuff with sparkles and the like, well mostly. She did get the “I just had to” ones but nobody expected me to take them and those were few.

I still had just over fifteen minutes before the door locked. When I went into the hallway I was surprised to see Kelly there. She wanted to come up to me but kept her distance and just asked “Are you alright, is everything okay?” I just nodded and began power walking to the books. We made it. I spent maybe five minutes picking out a book for the night and with pleading eyes showed Kelly that the book I was reading was almost done and just had to take both. She finally agreed but made me nod a promise that every book that comes out of her makes it back here.

The next four days flew by. Kelly and I fell into a rhythm. She would wake me up, mostly because I stayed up too late reading. Fresh diaper. We did breakfast. Then after lunch I would change my diaper again and one more time before bed. A couple days Kelly would tell me she had to skip lunch or dinner to help other kids which was fine. She really did care it wasn’t just an act I was pretty sure of that now.

I figured out that if I needed to poo I would hold it until I was about to change anyway. That way there was no real mess and I never needed to go into those bathrooms. I did really need a shower though. My hair was dirty and oily and the baby wipe cleaning only went so far. I would need to figure out something soon. I was breaking my promise to Ashley to take care of my hair already. That can not happen.