We soon reached the grave. The wind was starting to rise now and one could feel the cold touch of winter upon its breath. Linda placed her flowers first and then I did and we both then just stood there, standing to shoulder to shoulder if you will. As I peered toward the flowers, resting upon the frost covered ground, my mind wandered back to those ghostly visions of mom. Taking a deep breath, I quickly made a mental note to pay our local Episcopal church a visit.

You see ‘St. Mary’s Episcopal Church was among the handful of Episcopal Churches in Mississippi to have a side chapel, often called a Marian chapel because such chapels were dedicated to the Blessed Virgin Mary. And I felt only she could help me know. She was after all the mother of Jesus, that had to count for something in the grand scheme of things. Then again, nobody ever explained this stuff to me. But, then I felt something reach over and take me by the hand.

I nearly jumped out of my skin, and as I turned around, I noticed that Linda had reached over and wrapped her hand around mine and was now leaning on me. I could feel her tears rolling down her cheeks and soaking into my hoodie. I sighed and let her have her little cry.

“She was closer to you than me,” I said with a hint of bitterness in my voice. “You were like the daughter she never had. Devoted, always wore dresses, could quote the Bible from Genesis to Revelations. Never listened to any ‘Devil’ music or did anything to offend God.”

“And a lot of good it did me Madeline, a stop taking my meds because some crackpot preacher thinks there from ‘The Devil’ and devoted myself to praying and fasting. Mom totally could not take the pressure of being married to ancrackpotSouthern Baptist and so she broke camp and rolled out. Dad fell into a deep depression after mom rolled out. Then the next thing we know, we get a call saying Aunt Lisa found you wearing her new Sunday dress and she wanted you to come to live with us, you know to get straightened back out and stuff.” Her words rolled out of her mouth like a massive flood.

I nodded my head, Taking a deep breath I started to guide her toward a concrete bench located near a threadbare tree. She followed along like a lost little puppy. Slowly we both eased down upon the bench. Once we were both seated, she released another flood of words.

“Daddy at first thought he needs to take you out the woodshed and thrash the hell out of you. He was going to do just that as soon as Aunt Lisa dropped you off. Then he cooled down, he thought maybe straitening you back up would prove to Mom he was a good man and would lure you back. God he swung back and forth that night and then we got that call, saying there been a wreck and Aunt Lisa was killed, we thought you had been killed too! SHIT that was bad.” She broke down again.

“Like getting tossed around in a car was fun too,” I said rolling my eyes as I peered toward the headstones. “Being in hospital dangling between either, Earth, Heaven or Hell by a dozen of threads. Nights filled with dreamless nights of sleep, days filled with drug dreams of hell and the damned calling out.”

At this point, Linda gave me a look.

“Yes, getting tossed around and cut out of a flaming car is something that requires a few weeks in the hospital. And being pumped full of drugs. And I’m not talking about the kind of drugs you get from down around the corner at the carwash or down at Old John’s shack. I mean powerful painkillers that mess with your mind and really screw with you. And once you're off of those, you find yourself in so much pain. You beg for death.”

Lind grew silent and then she reached over and wrapped her arms around and hugged me tightly.

“I never wanted that to happen to you. I don’t know what I was thinking when I held your head under water and forced you to drink that stuff and then flush over and over. It was wrong, it was sick, it was cruel, and somehow I felt it would toughen you up. And in the long run that would help you. And because I loved you, I thought the tough love approach would be the best.”
I reached over and patted the girl on her head. I never expected this conversation to happen. Hell, I even hated the girl I was holding. Not only had she threaten me, but if rumors where true, she had plotted to have the whole football team gang rape a girl. And I knew that girl, she was the sweetest girl you would ever meet. A little bit of a dork and a geek, but her heart was pure gold.

“But, it was wrong, it was wrong for me.” She whimpered over and over again.

I took a deep breath, so many old wounds where being open now.

“It takes a lot to get your life back on track, I mean without people like you breathing down our necks, we have a lot of work we need to do. Changing genders is hard. There so much BS you need to cut through. Just getting your name legally changed and your Birth Certificated updated is a major hassle. Then getting all you school records updated to match your new name, then getting your medical records updated, heck even opening up a bank account was like getting my teeth pulled. I wonder how hard getting a learners permit would be.”

Linda for the most part just nodded her head along with me. I think our little talk was starting to shed some new light on the matter. Christmas was about the family you know, and as much as I hated it, Linda was my cousin, and judging from the little time we spent together, it was becoming very clear to me that she needed somebody to support her, a shoulder to cry on if you will. Benton was a small town, rumors and news traveled like wildfire. Even before this fast-paced age of social media. In the old days, a rumor or something would start in Benton Academy in the morning and by late afternoon it would have reached Benton AG High, then by early the next morning, the whole town would talking about it. Now with the advent of social media, the time was shorten by a hundred or so fold.

“I guess. I mean yes I see.” Linda said nodding her head.

“But where a family girl.” And with that, I reached over and wrapped her into a one arm hug. She responded by returning the hug. And there among the dead, we reflected till at last, we departed, I wished Aunt Isabella and Cousin Linda farewell and then Kayla and I returned home. But the ghostly image of my mother still remained with me. And so, I harden my resolve to light a candle in honor of my late mother.