Chapter 17 Decision

I slept surprisingly well. I thought my busy mind might keep me awake trying to process, all the experiences of the wonderful day. But instead, my exhaustion caused me to fall quickly into a deep uninterrupted sleep. I awoke refreshed, but full of thoughts on my boy/girl decision. My subconscious must have been working overtime.

I got up showered and looked at the new me, in the mirror. It seemed like an out of body experience. That girl in the mirror couldn't be me. Yet, I had spent a wonderful day as her. Despite seeing my naked body, complete with dangling genitals, I had, the strange thought, that I needed lipstick. Was something happening to my mind? I seemed to suddenly be thinking differently.

I tried on the new pastel blue bikini panties over the flesh colored gaff. The panties were comfortable, and I liked the view in the mirror better. I wasn't sure if it was because I liked looking at girls in panties or because I liked looking like a girl or both. It felt a little strange having so little covered down there. But overall I felt good about myself (pretty unusual for a teenaged girl).

I got dressed in one of the new pairs of jeans, a girl band tee from Charlie's wardrobe and my new powder blue shoes. I noted that the tee evoked thoughts of girl power solidarity, rather than the old eye candy thoughts.

Brushing my hair quickly brought it close to where Cynthia (thoughts of hot babe intruded) had left it. I added a little of my new pink lip gloss.

I went down to breakfast, where Joy and mom were already eating.

"Good morning, Sis!" exclaimed Joy excitedly.

"Morning Charli, did you sleep well?" asked mom.

"I slept great, fell off quickly and slept without interruption until waking refreshed a little while ago," I replied.

"You can drop some waffles in the toaster and pour yourself some milk and juice." said mom.

I thought she was making the transition from full-time mom, to shortcut taking career woman quickly. The family was going to face a lot of major change quickly.

"You look pretty in your new clothes," said Joy.

"Thank you," I replied, feeling a little warmth in my cheeks, not being used to being called pretty.

We chatted about how much fun we all had yesterday. Mom told us how proud she was of us, and with the new hairdo's and our mature behavior, we seemed to have added two years growth in a single day. I added, I too had seen that growth in Joy and that she seemed more an equal companion, than the little sister needing protection that she had seemed days earlier. I found Joys beaming face heartwarming.

As we cleaned up, Julie came in saying, "Spending the evening with you three lovely ladies was enchanting."

Mom replied, "Thank you, for the lovely enchanting evening and the opportunity to show off my lovely young ladies."

They exchanged knowing smiles, that had me wondering what might have gone on while I slept.

Julie fixed herself a coffee and disappeared into her office.

" I would like a little alone time to collect my thoughts from yesterday," I stated.

Joy frowned. But mom smiled and said "That would be good. Joy, leave your sister alone."

'Yes, mom," replied Joy, but the way she stomped off left me wondering how long I would have before she intruded.

I went to my room, closed the door, got out my laptop, and began typing my thoughts:

1. Comfort. I had been surprisingly comfortable as a girl. I thought I would be anxious about being identified as a boy in a skirt, but as the morning wore on, I found myself worrying more about what people thought of the pigtails. As a girl, I received lots of smiles, that felt like you are a nice girl, a pretty girl, a well-behaved girl. As a boy, a what kind of trouble are you going to get in now scowl was more likely. After Julie’s comments on feminine mannerisms and speech patterns, I was beginning to doubt my ability to present as a boy, without appearing gay. Surprisingly this was clearly pro-girl.

2. School. No contest. St. Katherine’s was clearly superior in almost all ways, to the public school I would go to as a boy. Another strong pro-girl.

3. Safety. I was in real fear of getting the shit beat out of me, as a boy. Girl seemed much safer.

4. Restrooms. Girls were generally (not always) cleaner and better smelling, and usually a better social experience. But boys were quicker and easier. Point and shoot still preferred. Slightly pro boy.

5. Friends. I found myself looking forward to friendships with other girls. As a boy, friendships with other boys seemed more problematic. Pro girl.

6. Sister. TJ and I had been extremely close. But I think Joy and Charli were even closer. Pro Girl.

7. Mom. I think mom was being stricter and more intrusive with Charli than Charlie. This might just be normal mother-teen daughter dynamics and lead to closer bonding later. But I liked the relative freedom and invisibility Charlie had. Slightly pro boy.

8. Julie/Dad. Julie had always been kind and caring, but there had always been a wall. I think most of the wall had come down with the fatherhood revelation. But she was showing even more vulnerability trying to help me. I think sharing the boy to girl experience will make us even closer. Pro girl.

9. Genital Comfort. Wearing the gaff had gotten to the point where I could forget I was wearing it until some hot girl wondered by (or even the girl in the mirror, which was a little disturbing.) But letting them dangle in boxers, was definitely more comfortable. Pro boy.

10. Clothes. More variety and selection and more enjoyable shopping with girls. More durable, less fussy, less time needed to select, sometimes more comfortable with boys. Pro girls.

11. Hair. Easier, less time consuming for boys. Pro boy.

12. Male privilege. Men paid more for the same work. Positions of power and prestige reserved for or biased toward men. Women’s ideas and opinions often ignored or diminished. Women stuck with more routine drudge work. Pro boy.

13. Emotions. Women were a roller coaster of highs and lows. Men were repressed, which I thought was unhealthy. Perhaps I can get the best of both, Pro girl, Con hormones.

14. Makeup. Can provide different looks, can be fun. Time and money consuming. Generally a girl thing. Slightly pro boy.

15. Religion. Some call choosing girl an abomination and condemn that choice to hell. I see this as more an argument against those religions than for boy. Slightly pro boy.

16. Future. I had assumed I would become a husband and father. I now realized I had little knowledge what either of those really meant. Still, it was a dream that I was not ready to let go of.
Could being a mother replace that dream? I don't know. Pro boy.

I decided that these were not equally important. And for some the decisions were close. So I would assign an importance weight to each item and a strength multiplier for how close the decision was.

Item__Description___Weight____Strength____Girl____Boy
1____ Comfort______10________.8_________ 8
2_____School_______8________1.0_________8
3_____Safety_______10_______1.0_________10
4_____Restrooms____5________.4_________________2
5_____Friends_______8_______1.0__________8
6_____Sis__________10______ 1.0_________10
7_____Mom________ 10________.2________________2
8_____Julie_________10_______1.0_________10
9_____G C___________5_______ .8________________4
10____Clothes________6_______ .5__________3
11____Hair___________5_______ .6________________3
12____Macho P_______10_______1.0______________ 10
13____Emo__________ 5________.6__________3
14____Makeup________4________.5_______________2
15____Religion________2________.4________________.8
16____Future________10________ .3_______________3
______Total______________________________60___26.8

This decision turned out to be a lot easier than I expected. The score just reinforced my feelings. My one day being in public as a girl, just felt so much better than my experience as a boy (also very limited). Also my fear of what might happen to me as a high school boy was growing. I definitely wanted to do more exploring, as the girl me.

Time to tell the family.

And that is the story of how I went from blithely accepting I was a boy to wanting to pretend I was a transgender girl.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Afterword

I do not see Charlie as transgender. To me, he is a cisgender male who grew up in femaleland. He is fluent speaking and acting feminine. When faced with the monumental task of moving into the real world, he finds himself more comfortable in the female role. I see this as similar to growing up speaking French and choosing a bilingual school rather than an English only. I think girl is the right short term decision because it’s hard to get an education while in a continued state of fear.

I think the mental health professionals in the story are skating on thin ice, by intentionally misdiagnosing Charlie, even if the intent is to manipulate the situation to, in their minds, improve it for Charlie. My view is that this is akin to prescribing off label medication, not because they understand what it does or how it works or are aware of the side effects, but because they hope it might work. I would argue that people should be free to choose their gender presentation (clothes, hairstyle, vocal presentation, etcetera) freely and have the world accept that presentation, regardless of how close to an imaginary ideal it is. This decision should not require health official approval. But the real problem is the world acceptance.

I don’t have any answers here, only what I hope are good questions. I hope they get you thinking and generate some good discussion.

Also, this is not the story I started to write, more on that in my blog later.

I hope to get some PMs on where you would like me to take this story.

I am going to post this afterword in my blog, if you want to add comments to discussions such as: Is Charli(e) really crossgender? What are the dangers/advantages of a cisgender person posing as a crossgender person? What should the role of medical/mental health officials be? do it in the blog.

To comment on the story, do it here.

For suggestion/requests for further adventures PM through contact the author.

I'd like to end by thanking all you who have stuck by this to this point. And special thanks to my beta-readers who helped make this better.