A week had passed and my online classes had started, so I spent bit more time glued to the computer, Carla was bit more at ease now because she knew I would go out from time to time, either by myself or with Leah, she was really happy to see that Leah and I had become so close to each other. Leah would come and lay on bed talking non stop about her job, the gossip and trends of the fashion industry and whatever issue has making her feel bad that day, I enjoyed it as I never saw it as a distraction I could easily concentrate on whatever I was reading on the screen and she wouldn’t mind if I didn’t talked back.

In the days after my little breakdown I kept thinking about it, I was intrigued by my feelings, I kept going back to watching my reflection wearing makeup on the past to occasions it had happened, I was at the same time more scared of the women’s clothes we had kept, yet I sometimes would picture me in different kind of dresses and makeup looks, it was somewhat exciting to picture me as a girl, and at the same time a weird nervous feeling would take over me.

Leah stopped pushing me to wear anything after that time, and that would make me more anxious, I kinda wanted her to push me to wear a dress or do my makeup, so I ended up being the one who made it happen, like a time she was trying a new lip gloss on the shared bathroom and I saw her, wanting her to make me wear it I said “It looks so pretty”.

“It does, doesn’t it?” She said as she turned smiling at me.

Then she just put it back on her bag and went back to my room, I was shocked she hadn’t said something like do you want to try it as she would have normally reacted before the last time, so I had to push a bit further.

“Yes, it does” I said quickly “I will have to try it sometime”.

“Sure, whenever you want” She said as she went directly to the bed.

Again, not even a single push for me to do it at the moment. She was killing me.

“Uhmm can I try it now?” I said finally.

“Of course, Dan, it’s on my purse” she said not even looking at me.

I was in panic somehow, I thought I was actually acting cool and that she would think I was just being funny without an actual interest in wearing it, while at the same time I was dying to try the lip gloss and the rest of her makeup, end up in heels and a dress, yet none of it was going to happen, and I didn’t wanted to make it too obvious, so I just stood up, took the gloss from the purse and went to try it in front of the mirror, my hand was shaking, she looked at me when I came back and laughed.

“You’re so silly” She said and then came back to ignoring me and looking at her phone.

Similar scenes repeated, she wasn’t mean or anything, she just didn’t made a deal out of me wearing makeup as she would have normally done, we could talk about lots of stuff but if I would mention anything to push her to make me look girlish, she would smoothly change subject or just don’t make a big deal out of it.

So this particular day, Carla came into the room while I was in the computer and Leah on my bed.

“My God, Daniel!” she said as she saw me “Your hair is out of control, you really need a haircut as soon as possible sweetie”.

“Let the kid be” Leah said.

“Yeah sure, if we let him be he’ll end up with longer hair than us, already with the clothes he wears he looks almost like a girl” Carla said.

I froze as she said that, already turning at her.

“Don’t look at me like that” Carla said “It’s not like I’m going to ground you, but I worry what your mother would think if she saw you like this”.

“Uhmm” I began “Ok?”.

“If you don’t want to, you don’t have to do it” Leah said.

“Let the kid alone Leah” Carla said “Haven’t I been telling you to let Daniel be a boy and stop trying to turn him into you”

I was now more shocked, they had talked about me, I thought Carla wasn’t actually aware of my little adventures with femininity.

“It’s ok” I said out of nowhere “I have also asked for it”.

That was a weird confession to make, yet it came out of me naturally, Leah giggled as I said it, and Carla was bit shocked.

“Well, then that’s up to you Daniel” Carla said.

“You see, you’re the one trying to control him” Leah said in a joking way to her mother.

Carla rolled her eyes at her daughter.

“You can do what you want Daniel, just don’t let this crazy daughter of mine put ideas in your head” Carla said “If you want to cut your hair I can make an appointment at my best friends salon, just let me know”.

Carla left and then I was alone with Leah and my thoughts, but now Leah was non stop talking to me about what just happened.

“Dani, you know I have grown to love you like a sibling” Leah began “And since my mom told me to stop treating you as a girl I’ve tried to not push you into anything”

“But how did she knew” I said

She laughed

“Kid, she knows everything that happens in this house” Leah said “The thing in the end is that you’re a boy and that I’ve been actually pushing you to be more like a little sister, and we think that you go through with it because you don’t know anyone else and you want to please me as your only friend here”

Wow, they had really talked about me I thought

“So if you don’t want to do something just say it” Leah said “And if you want to let your hair grow as Rapunzel’s or maybe Samson, let it grow, also if you want to cut it let me know, you’re free to be yourself, don’t just go with the flow”

I felt so weird, Leah and Carla had really taken me as family in this month and were I thought worried about me somehow, this was something I wasn’t too used to, in my house my parents weren’t affectionate, my dad was a serious guy and wanted me to be like him.

My eyes got watery and Leah came to hug me, I hugged her back.

“I don’t know why I’m crying” I said in a cracked laugh as tears came through my face.

Leah just laughed and hugged me stronger.

“We care about you, Dani” Leah said.

“Thanks, Leah” I said breaking the hug “I just got emotional, I’m not used to talk about feelings”.

“I’m all about them Dani, feel free” Leah said with a smile.

“So you want to cut your hair?” Leah added.

“I’ll think about it” I said “I actually like it long”.

“I like it too Dani, lot’s of men have long hair, and few pull it off as good as you” Leah said.

I was feeling so numb in feelings that I went full with the moment.

“Leah?” I began “Do you think it’s weird that I actually like wearing makeup”

She was a bit shocked by the question.

“Well some boys wear make up” She said.

“But not red lipstick” I said blushing.

“It’s because they can’t pull it off like you” Leah said.

“I think it’s weird” I said “But I liked it, wearing makeup and girls clothes”

I was shocked to hear me say it, I had thought it before, but it was way too different saying it outloud. Leah who is mostly cool, seemed shocked.

“Had you done it before?” Leah asked.

“Not really” I said “But I remember asking my friends sister to paint my nails”
I was almost whispering I feel, it was becoming too personal and to weird of a subject to talk about, minutes ago we were in a totally different mood. Leah grew a huge smile

“Don’t laugh” I said

I was so embarrassed, I started shaking.

“Hey, I’m not laughing at you” Leah said as she put her hand on my waist. “I’m just glad you trust me with this”

She hugged me again.

“Please don’t tell your mom anything about what I just told you” I said.

“I won’t” She said still hugging me.

Silence fell as we hugged, I felt calm in between my nervousness, I felt I could trust her.

“Do you want me to do your nails?” Leah said suddenly breaking the silence.