There was something undeniably special about the young woman. She sat wrapped in the comforting half-light of the Hilton dining room, her eyes scanned the view across Auckland harbour and yet she was intensely aware of the man who sat opposite her. The woman was undeniably elegant, self possessed, she could hardly be thirty yet but had the bearing and confidence that normally needs matured years to blossom. The secluded table she shared with her handsome companion was bathed in an orange glow from the setting sun, the light dancing and highlighting their faces. Their lavish meal finished, they now sipped at glasses of aged Cognac feeling disinhibited and mellow.
"So," he said "I've wined and dined you..." She placed a finger to his lips stopping his words.
"Don't spoil things darling, you've been on your best behaviour tonight."
"I need you." He said quietly and yet with an unmistakable urgency. "I've taken a room here... My usual one."
She smiled at him as if he were a child with his nose pressed against a toy-shop window yearning for something he could not afford.
"I've told you many times that I'm not interested in getting involved with you in that way, I think of you as a friend, possibly even a dear friend, but nothing more."
"Most women jump at the chance to spend a night with me... what is it? Don't you find me attractive."
"I know your wife finds you attractive," she said pointedly "and no doubt the string of girlfriends you keep on a tight rein."
"Is that it? You don't approve of my morals."
"Darling," She laughed tossing back her hair so that it caught the shimmering light "you don't have any morals... It's probably what I like most about you." She leaned in close to him and he could feel her breath on his ear as if she were about to tell a secret that only he in all the world was worthy to know. He tried to speak but she shushed him again with her finger.
"Look, I have absolutely no problem with the fact that you enjoy wallowing in your unrepentant lechery; the problem lies elsewhere."
"Well tell me, whatever it is I'll fix it."
"You won't be able to darling."
"So what is it?"
"Can't you guess?... Have you ever seen me with a boyfriend?"
"You mean you like girls?"
She smiled but did not reply allowing the obvious conclusion to sink in while she sipped demurely from her glass.
"Now that is a surprise, I never would have guessed, you look so..."
"You expect all lesbians to look butch? That's a rather naive view for someone so worldly. In any case darling, I don't feel any need at all to publicise the intimate details of my private life."
"Unlike me" He said.
"I hardly think you publicise your private life; for a start there's far too much of it for any one to believe." She laughed almost primly, pretending to a naivety that she had lost long ago.
"So you're saying that I'm beyond redemption?"
"Of course you are... but don't start putting words in my mouth."
He took a mouthful of amber liquid from his glass and swallowed slowly, the cognac warming and relaxing as he rolled it over his tongue. Then in a half whisper, almost as if speaking to himself:
"It's not words I'd like to put in your mouth."
She gasped feigning shock before bursting into a little school-girl laugh.
"You say the sweetest things but you know I have rather sharp teeth darling."
"Ouch..." He let the disturbing mental image fade. "OK I give up. I wish it weren't so but we can't fight against our natures I suppose. Even so, you are still a goddess of a woman and I can't guarantee that you won't still make an appearance in my fantasies from time to time."
"I'll take that as a complement..." She said. "I'll be sure not to let my girlfriend know that she has a competitor."
"You have a girlfriend?"
"Well that's hardly surprising is it? If you're a very good boy I may introduce you to her one day. But don't let that put you off we can still be friends can't we, I'd hate to lose you from my circle of companions."
"Me too... guess I'll have to start thinking of you as one the guys... So how long have you..."
"Been a lesbian?"
"Well yes."
"For ever... how long have you been a hetero?"
He laughed and with a barely perceptible lift of a finger, indicated across the dining room for the waitress to splash a little more of the distilled nectar into their glasses. The waitress was a pretty young woman dressed in a crisp white blouse and a black skirt that was deliciously tight. He had noticed her earlier with some satisfaction and his computer-like brain was already calculation the odds on getting her to come up to his room later – it would be a pity to waste the room. As she scampered off to retrieve the precious bottle he considered that they were stinging him an eye-watering $85 a glass for this rather special distillation but he was comforted by the realisation that his self-made fortune would allow him to bathe in the stuff if he so chose.
His attention returned to his companion:
"So I take your point... I guess by the time we enter the world all that sexual preference stuff is pretty well sorted, chiselled in stone."
"It was for me but I don't believe it is for everyone, if you can find a crack then persuasion can be a powerful force... In principal I mean, not for you or me perhaps but for those sweet androgynous boys you see about these days. It might even be fun probing their boundaries."
"You're saying that you could take such a boy and make him turn gay."
"Maybe for those who have an unawakened inclination to waver."
"I think that's very unlikely."
"Really... I think I could go even further, find me a suitable boy and I could probably turn him into a woman."
"No way." He laughed.
"Within a year." She added, confirming her confidence in the matter.
"That's just not possible, people are not so easily swayed or you would be in my bed tonight."
"I have already accepted that in our cases we are where we are but I believe that for a few, that status is not as fixed as many might imagine. I think most people have a nature that sits somewhere in the centre of the male female spectrum and we simply accept the identity that our bodies, and society, dictate. But imagine a pretty boy, possibly with naturally low testosterone teetering on the edge..." She smiled and presented her glass to the hovering waitress for a refill.
"I take your point in principal but I still think you are way off the mark." He said.
She waited until her glass had been replenished, flashing a smile at the arousing young woman and mouthing a seductive thank you; wondering wistfully what she might be doing later.
The moment of distraction soon passed and turning her eyes back to her companion she made, mostly in jest, a little proposition:
"I don't suppose you would care to make a wager..." she said "all we need is a suitable candidate."

I first met Andrea when I lived in a different world. Trying to remember my life before Andrea is like trying to dredge memories from a stranger's life. I had just turned twenty two at the time and went by the name of Alexander. Apart from my group of business acquaintances I was alone in the world working for Spencer Clarke as his personal assistant. I can't imagine two more different people than Spencer and myself. He confident and filled with self assured arrogance and me... not. In personality I was the Yin to his Yang, the north pole to his south; and yet the aphorism that opposites attract was hardly evident in our case. Spencer was undeniably handsome, with a powerfully masculine presence and possessed of an astute entrepreneurial nature which had made him extremely wealthy. His acquisitive fingers delved easily and profitably into any financial pie that caught his interest. At forty he was a domineering man and still extremely driven. I guess my reserved nature complemented that of Spencer in some trivial ways and we seemed, superficially at least, to work together well. But I am probably grossly exaggerating my value to him. If I were completely honest then I have to admit that any number of people could have done my job, probably better than I. Looking back, I see now that the meagre salary that Spencer deemed suitable for me was probably a fair measure of my worth to the company.
If Spencer had a flaw beyond his excessive self belief, his inflated ego, then it was his inability to walk away from a challenge. Experience had taught him that his instincts were almost always right. Even so he had come close to the precipice on more than one occasion but this was an arena of his life in which I thankfully played no part, or so I imagined.
Spencer's work schedule was punishing and as a result so was mine. My hours were a nominal nine to five which translated into something more like seven to seven, six days a week... if I was lucky. Having no wife or partner my time was my own, or rather as it seems now, my employer's. My duties were wide ranging from a general requirement to ease Spencer's flow through his day, organising and tracking his schedule, booking flights and hotel rooms, dealing with his mail, conjuring well crafted business letters from the hastily scribbled notes he casually dropped on my desk through to the trivia of getting his lunch and keeping him constantly caffeinated. I was also expected to remember his long suffering wife's birthday and their anniversary not to mention dealing, as well as I could, with the sequence of distraught young ladies whom he not infrequently and casually abandoned in tears after a brief but torrid encounter. My role was a background support which I naively believed Spencer found invaluable. As someone who was happy to be out of the spotlight, the job in principal, rather suited me but left little time to develop anything that might be considered a life of my own.
One late autumn evening Spencer took me along to a cocktail party where he was probably hoping to make some deals or at least foster some valuable contacts. The party was a function that the local business moguls had organised to bring the wheelers and dealers from disparate fields together to enable a little productive cross fertilisation. I felt rather out of place among these colossi of business acumen. Being simply a quiet, awe struck observer of how these masters of the dark arts operated, was as close as I got to the action. This sort of function was where Spencer operated at his best, he required my presence to keep track of the anticipated contacts he might make and to subsequently help him put a face to a name.
"In any case Alex a party might bring you out of your shell." He said making it abundantly clear that I had no option but to accompany him. In fact, not that I would admit such a thing to Spencer, I rather liked being cocooned in my comfortable shell.
As the evening progressed under the sparkle of crystal chandeliers and lubricated by a steady flow of champagne, the initial gentle hum of voices had risen to more resemble a manic babble. I managed to withdraw into the shadows of a convenient corner and stood next to a window looking across the night sky trying to lose myself in the stars. I did not 'do' parties and when I could not avoid them, such a place was where I tended to retreat to. My back was to the throng of bodies as I sipped at my glass of Perrier water wondering how best to make myself invisible, or better still, edge unseen towards the exit.
It was her perfume I noticed first, drawing my attention back into the room. Turning away from the night sky, my eyes met those of a stunningly beautiful woman. I felt my cheeks colour as she spoke to me.
"Hi... I'm Andrea." She held out her hand and we exchanged the usual diffident politeness for someone you are unlikely to ever meet again.
"Alex." I said after clearing my throat. The woman was older than me, maybe thirty, slender and immaculately presented in a stunning evening dress. I remember her hair, curled and bouncing on her alabaster neck. In her exaggerated heels she was taller than me by a good three or four inches but what really caught my attention was her supreme and easy air of self confidence.
"I'm with Frobisher and Gwilt..." She said; I must have looked bewildered. "The corporate lawyers." she added.
"Ah yes of course... You are a corporate lawyer then?" I suggested with feigned confidence.
"Head of contract analysis." She replied as if she assumed that everyone in the room would have a working knowledge of what that was."How about you Alex?"
"I work for the Spencer Clarke Group."
"Ah yes Spencer Clarke... I do know him vaguely. We have done some work for his Group I believe... What role do you occupy in the august Spencer Clarke empire?" She spoke though half closed lids as if she were trying to construct an in depth view of my character. But maybe it was just the somnolent effects of immoderate champagne consumption.
"I'm Spencer's personal assistant." I said.
"Really, that must be quite demanding."
"It takes its toll... I'm little more than a secretary if truth be told."
"I'm sure you're being modest sweety... You don't mind me calling you sweety do you Alex." She touched my arm drawing me into an intimacy for which I was ill prepared. I managed a smile, my brain seemed frozen, unable string a coherent sentence together. I could feel her eyes continue scanning me as I searched the room for an opportunity of escape.
"Anyone special in your life Alexander?" She sipped from her glass, holding it by its delicate stem as droplets of condensation frosted the chilled crystal.
"Sadly not." I managed.
The magnificent woman took me by the arm and guided me through an automatic sliding glass door onto the balcony. I felt the chill of the night air against my flushed cheeks while my companion seemed quite immune to the sudden downshift in temperature.
"You get a wonderful view from here... so romantic, don't you think?"
Indeed I did think so. Before I could summon an answer, she spoke again:
"I've taken rather a shine to you Alex... I tell you what I'm going to do..." She swirled her glass, dipping an immaculately manicured finger into the effervescent liquid before sucking it clean, the shimmering light through the glass doors showing the pinkness of her tongue. Her eyes turned to mine holding me in a state of suspended animation. "Next Saturday I'll pick you up at seven and take you to dinner at a lovely little French restaurant I know."
It seemed not to be an invitation, more a summons. My feeble brain searched for an excuse, even though under my carapace of shyness I desperately wanted to accept her proposition.
"And if I have to work?" I said pretending a detached coolness which fooled neither of us.
"Then you can cancel... the work commitment not my invitation of course." She said, her face lighting up with an alluring smile. I'm not sure if she was kidding, I'm not sure that she knew herself. But I had the feeling that I had just been captured, a butterfly dancing across a summer meadow suddenly swept up from the wild flowers into in a soft net... I could see the jar waiting for me but the feeling, I have to admit, was far less frightening than it perhaps should have been.
Two months, well seven weeks and four days later to be exact, I moved into her rather extravagantly elegant Penthouse apartment. Andrea, I had soon discovered, was an extremely wealthy woman and her lifestyle reflected her status. She owned the top two floors of the Stanington building at Remuera with views across Auckland to Rangitoto Island. Her home had four bedrooms, a magnificently equipped kitchen, a dining room capable of easily seating ten, a separate day room and two lounges all with extravagant luxury furnishings. There was a private lap-pool, spa, gym and sauna room. If this were not sufficient, there was also a separate self-contained guest suite large enough to accommodate an entire family.
Did I mention that Andrea had a baby daughter? The baby was delightful creature who was blessed with the name of Marcella. In fact Marcella was Andrea's niece but after a tragic boating accident on the rapids of the Shotover River the baby was left without parents. Andrea who was possibly a little lacking in maternal instincts, was left with the responsibility of raising an infant. It was a duty she felt she owed to her desperately missed and beloved younger sister.
A baby might have put many men off but for me the delightful Marcella came as an unexpected additional attraction to the inevitability of being drawn into a long term relationship with Andrea. It seemed that she was presenting me with a ready made family arriving from nowhere, a gift from the gods. I counted myself lucky beyond imagining. I was Andrea's butterfly entranced and now confined blissfully to her jar. My life sullied only by my continued commitment to Spencer Clarke's arduous work regime.
At the time Andrea employed a live-in au pair on an extended working holiday from Australia. She was given free rein of the guest suite and enjoyed a good salary in return for providing full-time care for Marcella. The young woman was called Amy and I was rather surprised at the over familiarity with which she treated Andrea. She was my age, maybe a year younger, undeniably attractive but for some reason I was rather wary of her, finding her easy confidence rather intimidating. Amy was by nature a rather domineering person and I found myself uncomfortable in her presence. Even when she smiled at me the expression on her face was shadowed with an unkindness, her eyes darting and calculating. I felt that she somehow saw me as an intruder into the household. If she had a redeeming feature, it was her gentle competence in dealing with Marcella. In that respect I found her beyond reproach. But I am not necessarily a great judge of people.
My life with Andrea was perfect with a possible caveat regarding our romantic life. I was no great lover being inexperienced and awkward. I also rapidly discovered that Andrea had a dislike for what she called 'penetrative sex' and she invited me to satisfy her with my lips and tongue. This was all rather new to me but to bring Andrea to orgasm was a pleasure in itself. Even if my own needs seemed to be overlooked. Slowly over the weeks our lovemaking became centred mostly around kissing and cuddling which was fine apart from my pent up sexual tension that had little outlet. Andrea seemed slow to recognise that I might have my own romantic needs but when the truth finally dawned on her, my love life took a significant shift.
One evening I got home from work rather late. Spencer had confined me to the office until I had finished some in depth research for him on a prospective client. It was nearly ten before I dragged myself out of the lift into the haven of Andrea's apartment. I was feeling exhausted and though I would never admit it, close to tears. Andrea had been waiting for me and held out her arms as I came into the room. I had rather expected her to be angry at my lateness and was overwhelmed by her gentle kindness.
"My poor baby what has that man been doing with you?" I shrugged not wanting to go over the tedium of my day nor to reveal the fragility of my emotions. "Go and take a nice hot spa darling and relax; there's some fried chicken waiting when you're ready." She kissed me softly. "Wait, take this it will help you to relax." She poured me a glass of brandy and splashed a little soda water into it. I was not really a drinker but Andrea had been seducing me with the delights of an occasional glass of wine since I had moved in with her. The brandy felt nice as I sipped at it while soaking in the hot bubbly water. All my troubled thoughts of the hectic day melted away leaving me content and relaxed.
After my meal we shared more brandy and I was feeling very mellow as Andrea took my hand and led me to bed. The sheets were soft and inviting as I slid beneath them.
"I have something that might help you relax darling." Andrea said. From her bedside draw she took something that even I in my innocence could recognise as a dildo. Sensing my disquiet she took my hand and spoke softly.
"It's alright sweety, I'm not going to hurt you." Her words were soft and alluring as she produced a tube of lubricant. Wearing her sheer satin nightgown, Andrea slipped into bed beside me, I could feel the heat of her body through the silkiness of her nightdress as she kissed me and then leaning up on her elbow she brushed the hair from my eyes.
"I'm sure you will love this." She said as she rolled me onto my side and exposed my buttocks. Then, smearing lubricant directly into me with a warm finger, gently pressed the dildo against my opening. At first I felt very uncomfortable, the device tight against my sphincter but as Andrea slowly started her rhythmic pressure, the device was slowly worked in deeper until I could feel it massaging my prostate gently and smoothly, I began to relax and feel myself being filled deeply. I soon found myself responding to Andrea's thrusts welcoming each push drawing it deeper and deeper. I had never experienced anything remotely like this. I had not had any sexual relief for weeks now and Andrea's loving attention soon became as sublime as it was unexpected. She skilfully brought me to the point of orgasm and then slowed her rhythm to let the little pulses slow before bringing the tension back to an almost unbearably exquisite level. She did this time after time, kissing me, stroking my hair until I was desperate for the inevitable climax and cried out for her to let me come.
When I finally did there was an explosion of ecstasy and relief rippling my entire body. I gasped for air as I was suddenly drained and yet relaxed beyond anything in my experience, I could hardly speak, hardly move.
"There wasn't that nice my sweet little vixen." She said softly and seductively, "Let yourself fall to sleep now darling, I have a proposition to put to you in the morning that might make you very happy."
The words swam in my head... A proposition. What ever it might be, nothing could make me happier than I was at that precious moment. I tried to focus my thoughts on her words but already the velvet call of sleep had me deep in its embrace.
I woke early just as the eastern sky was starting to lighten. The ghosts of the stars not yet hidden by the stark light of the sun. As I blinked the sleep from my eyes I watched the brisk morning wind ripping the light clouds in agitation against the pale sky. I moved my hand feeling for Andrea's warmth in the hollow she had left. I knew she was already up, I could smell the aroma of fresh coffee and hear the clatter of porcelain. Soon she brought me a cup while I lay still in bed. She curled up beside me and I felt that I was the luckiest person in the world. And yet even in my contentment, I could not understand why she had chosen me, she could have picked anyone – but it was me she had taken into her home. Here I was, a nobody, in her luxury apartment living like a millionaire.
"Darling... I've been thinking." She said as she curled herself around the softness of my semi-slumbering body. "You know I'm not all that happy being dependant on an au pair for Marcella's care. Amy is very competent and loving with Marcella but I know she wants to travel, and if she leaves I can envision a sequence of short term carers for Marcella; it's not what my sister would have wanted."
"Mm..." I nodded as I fought against the soft pull of a few more minutes sleep.
"I think it might be better if Marcella had a full time parent..." Andrea continued "at least until she's ready for High School. Raising a child is a major commitment and I owe it to poor dear Samantha to do the best for her daughter."
I took Andrea's hand and looked into her grey eyes. I could see her sadness as she remembered her sister. Andrea was not usually an emotional woman but I saw a welling tear which she quickly brushed away as if tears were something to be ashamed of.
"I absolutely understand darling." I said, my own emotions bubbling not far from the surface. "I could not agree more... but there's no way I can afford to keep you on what Spencer pays me."
"Oh I know that darling... I was thinking..." She stroked her finger across my chest and twisted seductively at my nipple. "I was wondering if you might want to take on the role of stay at home parent."
I was suddenly wide awake and shifted myself up the bed. I had a compelling vision of never having to chase after Spencer again, to have a full life of my own doing something worthwhile like raising a child. I had never felt satisfied with of all my efforts being focussed on increasing the wealth of an already obscenely rich man.
"You would like me to be the stay at home parent?" I said pretending reluctance while, in reality, the proposition had already settled over me like a welcome comfort blanket.
"Do say you'll agree." She said. "On a purely practical level, we would hardly miss your salary... Spenser pays you far less than you are worth while my salary is almost an embarrassment. When you consider the tax implications and the fact that I pay Amy nearly as much as you bring in I can see no negative financial implications for our little love nest."
I felt suddenly ashamed that I contributed so little financially yet still lived the high life in Andrea's penthouse.
"Not being able to support you makes me feel rather inadequate." I said.
"No, don't say that Sweetheart... Would I invite someone 'inadequate' to share my life? If you accept my proposition, you will be the absolute heart of our family, the most important element, its vital essence. Look darling I've seen how much you already love Marcella, I can't imagine anyone who would be better for raising our daughter."
"Our daughter?" I said "You see it like that?"
"I do, but I'm sorry if I've assumed too much, put too big an expectation on you sweety... I just thought..."
"No no I'm delighted that you think of Marcella as our daughter, its how I think, how I dared to think."
Andrea kissed me deeply then laughing gently nibbled at my earlobe.
"So what do you say Darling? Will you tell Spencer where he can shove his job... the man has been taking advantage of you for far too long. He treats you as if you were nothing more than some infatuated office girl... I hate that. The hours he expects you to work makes you more like his slave than that of a valued employee."
"I know, I know. You're absolutely right darling, since you and I came together I've become more and more resentful of the demands he places on me... I should be with you and Marcella."
"So..."
I mused over the suggestion for what must have stretched out to encompass all of five seconds.
"So... I tell you what, if you are really sure about this then I'll do it with pleasure."
She kissed me again.
"Give him your resignation first thing this morning, then we can get on with the rest of our lives like a real family."
I thought of all the things I had to do for Spencer: the reception in Brisbane to book for, the mound of paperwork to file, the urgent application for planning permission on the Kaianui green-field development... I still had reports to write, flights to book...
"Let's do this the sooner the better, make the break... Spencer doesn't own you... not like I do." She laughed.
"You have no idea how persuasive you can be Andrea." I said.
"I'll take you to dinner to celebrate once the deed is done, then I can let Amy go. I'm fond of her in many ways." She stroked my hair and her eyes seemed to lose their focus as if she were remembering something. "I'll offer her a generous severance pay, I'm sure she'll jump at the chance to spend a few months travelling and liberating the party girl inside her all at my expense."
I couldn't reply because she had flipped me over and was suddenly making love to me again the same way she had the night before and the effects were no less earth shattering the second time.
Giving Spencer my notice was the most satisfying, most terrifying thing that I had ever done in my life. But Spencer seemed surprisingly untroubled at losing me, suggesting that he could pick up a replacement with no difficulty. Having served my notice, I wished him well and he wished me success at playing the 'little hausfrau' until Andrea grew tired of me. His parting gibe was water off a duck's back because finally I was free of him.
Amy gave me detailed instructions on how to take care of Marcella. She rather treated me as if I were a school girl starting her first job rather than her employer's partner. But I took careful note of all she told me and drew as much as I could from her experience. She kissed Andrea goodbye with more emotion that I would have expected and as I helped her to carry her bags down to the waiting taxi, she turned to me and with an unexpected display of venom:
"Don't imagine that Andrea really loves you little Alex, once she's finished playing with you, she'll cast you aside like a broken Barbie Doll." It was clear to me that she felt hard done by and probably blamed me for Andrea's decision to let her go, implying that the whole thing had been my idea.
But I was much too happy and in love to dwell on Amy and her twisted view of my relationship with Andrea. I was confident that what we had together would endure and I soon abandoned myself wholeheartedly into my new role as home-maker. I loved the extra freedom it gave me; suddenly, my time was under my own control. Although Andrea offered to employ someone to do the menial house work, I wanted to take complete responsibility for it. Liberated from formal work I still wanted to pay my way and contribute to the household. I spent my days in routine housework, taking care of Marcella and preparing evening meals for Andrea and me to share. I devoted blissful hours to learning to cook properly and doing all the routine things in which every home-maker needs to be proficient. The apartment was blessed with a large outdoor terrace where you could catch a little sun on a fine day. I spent some time making a peaceful little Japanese inspired garden with plantings in tubs and pots. I constructed a little water feature and hung the area with softly calling wind-chimes. Andrea loved what I had done and we often sat there as the days lengthened, maybe sipping wine but always with contentment as we shared the quiet stillness of the evenings.
The days passed and I grew increasingly fulfilled by the simple serenity of my new life. The intimacy I shared with Andrea had become one of mutual pleasure, giving and receiving an emotional and physical satisfaction to a degree that I had never known before. As we learned more about each other's bodies, learning how to arouse and bring each other to climax, I soon grew to lust after Andrea's bedroom skill. Slowly but inevitably I could feel the old Alex melting away, the memories of my past life came to feel as if they belonged to a different person, maybe a fond character from a novel I had once read.
Constantly taking care of Marcella and my other household duties, I had been rather neglecting my own needs and as my hair was starting to hang low over my collar, I thought it was time that I got a rather overdue haircut. I asked Andrea if she could watch Marcella for an hour one Saturday morning.
"I'm happy to do that darling, but do you really need a hair cut?... I was just thinking how nice your hair was starting to look. If you want my opinion, I'd let it grow. I think long hair, really long hair, would rather suit you. I find long hair to be quite sexy... on the right person."
"And I'm the right person?"
"Not fishing for complements are you?" She laughed.
"Maybe." I said.
"In that case, yes you are sweety." Her wide smile was hard to resist.
Getting a haircut had just been a habit for me, Spencer needed me to have a 'corporate' hairstyle when I was working for him but those days were now long gone.
"If you think long hair might look nice..." I said.
"Yes let it grow, and while we're on the subject of hair.... I spend a lot of time and effort in getting rid of my unwanted body hair. It might be nice if you joined me. We could have a little weekly waxing party together." She let her words trail away into a little, almost shy, giggle.
"Ouch! that sounds like it might be painful."
"Oh it's not a big deal baby and I'd find your body extra sexy if it was as smooth as mine. A lot of boys do it these days, its not that unusual at all – so the girls at the office tell me." I shrugged and smiled at her. I was certainly not a particularly hairy person, apart from my pubic area, arm pits and the fuzz on my cheeks, I just had a little almost invisible leg hair. None of which held any particular significance for me. Buoyed by Andrea's encouragement I thought it might even be nice to be rid of it.
"I guess it's no problem if it would make you happy darling."
"There might be extra privileges..." She said, her eyes flicking to the draw where she kept the dildo. She smiled her little seductive smile that always turned me to jelly. In fact because Andrea had been rather busy at the office over the past weeks and late getting home, I had not received any bedroom attention for some time and was easily tempted by Andrea's suggested reward.
"OK I'm convinced." I said "Let's give it a go... just to see how it feels."
"I can't wait to see how you'll look and feel..." Andrea said with a little infectious laugh as she took my hand and led me to the bedroom.
My inner confidence was starting to grow as I relaxed into my new life. Marcella was an angel, she gave me nothing but joy and I was now completely under Andrea's delicious spell. I had never loved or felt loved more than I did in those days. I found myself anticipating Andrea's return from the office and always greeted her with what must have seemed like the adoration of a tail-wagging puppy. Although I normally took care of the shopping, Andrea would occasionally pick up things she needed or possibly find a little treat for us to share. She parked her BMW next to my little Yaris and took the lift to the penthouse. The smell of my roast chicken filled the kitchen making it feel like a real home as Andrea emerged from the lift. She was carrying, as always, her laptop and briefcase but also a couple of bags of shopping.
"Mm something smells rather good, your cooking is getting to be rather too tempting." She patted her stomach. But I knew that after her daily gym workouts and all the laps she did in the pool, her trim figure was under no threat from my culinary exploits.
I was holding Marcella and Andrea walked over and kissed her tenderly.
"Hello babykins." She cooed as Marcella laughed at her aunt. Andrea then gave me my own long anticipated kiss.
"What have you got there?" I said eyeing the bags she was carrying.
"I had to meet someone at Sylvia Park Mall this afternoon. While I was browsing, I came across a pretty little Patisserie and couldn't resist indulging in a box of their petit fours... I hope you like cake." My notorious sweet tooth often provoked Andrea to gentle teasing.
"You know full well that I do... let me see."
She delved into one of the bags and carefully drew out the box that contained the most exquisite little cakes I had ever seen.
"I can see why you were tempted... these will make a great desert."
"I thought so... do you need a hand with anything?"
"No it's all under control... should be serving in half an hour."
"OK Sweety... I'll just change into something a little more comfortable and be right back." She took a couple of paces towards the bedroom. "Oh I nearly forgot I saw these really sexy tight jeans, at the 'Paris Vogue' boutique; they're in the bag, take a look." She disappeared into the bedroom. I took Marcella over to where the bags lay.
"What have we here?" I said and Marcella gurgled at me as if to say how should I know? I'm just a baby.
I found the jeans, an expensive up-market brand and extremely well cut. Paris Vogue was a fashion boutique with a growing reputation for top range women's fashion – for those fortunate enough to afford their prices. They were undoubtedly expensive but Andrea could easily afford their inflated prices. Placing Marcella on the rug I held the jeans up in front of me. With a squeeze I could probably have got into them but I knew Andrea would look so sexy in them.
"I love the jeans..." I called.
"I hoped you would... I hope I got the size right... the girl said I could change them if they were too small." She appeared at the door dressed in her floppy track pants and a delicate pink top. She crossed the soft carpet and bent down to pick up Marcella nuzzling her as she rocked her in her arms.
"You didn't try them on in the shop?" I said.
"No of course not... they're not for me... Just a little gift for all you do."
"Oh wow that's so sweet... I just assumed they were for you."
"No darling, try them on."
"As I had expected they were something of a struggle to get into but once on fitted perfectly, skin tight but surprisingly comfortable.
"The fabric's got a bit of a stretch..." I said.
"Mm some sort of a cotton Lycra blend or something."
She squatted down and sat on her heels riffling through the other bag. "Oh yes I've got this new shampoo, its supposed to lift your hair colour a couple of tones... Now I did by this for me but now that your hair is getting so long, it might benefit from a little extra pampering... Want to try it with me sweety?"
I had rather got used to Andrea washing and conditioning my hair, it always came out feeling soft and silky when she did it.
"It's not going to turn me into some kind of a blond bimbo is it?" I laughed.
"Hardly Alex... No it'll just lighten it a little... if you rather not..."
"No if you think it would look good, I'll give it a go."
We ate the roast chicken and between us demolished the delicious little cakes.
"So are you up for a little mutual hair grooming?" Andrea asked.
"Why not, give me a moment to get Marcella settled..."
So I did her hair first, following the instructions carefully and then she did mine. We towelled off and then used Andrea's hair dryer and a soft brush to finish off. I was pleased with how we both looked. My natural colour was, I think they describe it as 'mousy', a pale nondescript brown, but with the highlighting shampoo it was definitely edged closer to blond but still a long way from 'bimbo'. By now my hair was quite long, getting on for shoulder length. I wore it in a simple style letting my natural curl have free rein. When I needed it out of my eyes I would knot it up or tie it into a pony tail. I guess I was happy that Andrea had talked me into not to getting it cut. Dressed in my new jeans I felt rather like a rock star.
"One of these days I'm going to convince you to let me style your hair for you." She said. I let the comment pass with a smile that was a reflection her own.
The weeks had flown by and already we were moving into spring. I was pleased, as always, to see Andrea when she came home. She had brought a nice bottle of wine which she often did and a small exquisite box of hand made chocolates for us to share. I had started to really look forward to our Friday evenings together. With Marcella still a little too young to confidently leave in the care of a babysitter, we didn't go out very often and our Friday 'girl's night in' as Andrea teasingly called it, was becoming rather special for me.
During the afternoon I had sweated over preparing a lasagne from an online recipe that I had stumbled upon. I was eagerly anticipating Andrea's comments. Once I had got Marcella settled we ate the lasagne and I got my hoped for complement. Still buzzing from Andrea's praise we did our regular waxing together. As usual, after the waxing we shared a seductive spa together while sipping at some mouthwatering Cabernet Sauvignon. With the lights turned low and some soft music playing the scented candles gave a finish to the romantic feeling.
We had finished most of the wine by now and were relaxed, mellow, becoming a little giggly.
"OK I'm going to do my toenails now." Andrea said. "Unless you'd like to varnish them for me."
It wasn't the first time that I had varnished Andrea's toe nails and had become quite proficient at it, if I'm honest it did rather turn me on. When I'd finished she looked at me with a smile. "That's perfect darling... do you like the colour?... midnight pink, whatever that means."
"It's good... you really do have very pretty feet." I said.
"Thank you darling... so do you. I'd love to see what they'd look like with a coat of midnight pink... would you like me to do you?"
Probably it was the wine but my inhibitions were low. I shrugged.
"I'll take that as a yes..." Andrea said as she carefully unscrewed the bottle, filled the brush and started on my toes as if it was the most natural thing in the World.
"I hope you won't change your mind about this, but if you do it'll easily wipe of... there's remover on our dressing table."
"OK" I said with a little wine induced giggle. In fact when my toes were varnished my feet were transformed. I had always had rather small feet and now they looked delicate and quite pretty to my somewhat wine-fogged eyes; they definitely belonged to a girl though, not me.
We often made love on Fridays but for the last couple of weeks Andrea's hectic life had left our romantic life parked waiting for an opportunity and I had not had any relief for three weeks now. Let's say I was feeling rather horny.
"Are you ready for an early night?" I suggested.
"I thought you'd never ask..." Andrea said taking my hand and leading me to the bedroom. We slipped between the sheets kissing and fondling until Andrea started to get wet.
"Come on sweety... you do me first." She whispered.
I kissed her lips and then Andrea took my head drawing it down to her intimate area where she had need of it. I used my tongue and lips as Andrea had taught me and gently brought her to a climax. "Oh that was so good," She gasped "that was wonderful." She lay back breathing heavily. "Alex, my sweet, you get more and more intuitive about what I need each time." After a moment she took the lubricant and my pulse started to race. "Now it's your turn, be a good bunnykins and turn over for me."
She pumped lubricant deep inside me, the feeling was electric.
"There your pussy is nice and wet now." She laughed kissing my butt cheeks and then straddled my legs and slowly worked her dildo into me. She played me like an instrument until I squealed for her to let me come. "Ah... yes just there... faster...Yes...Yes please darling."
My orgasm exploded across my entire body sending shivering ripples across my torso. The ecstasy was beyond words. I turned over, still trembling and left in rapture as always.
"My God Andrea... Where ever did you learn to do this?"
Andrea laughed.
"I must be a natural... but you'd be amazed by what you can find on YouTube when you have an idle moment in the office."
Andrea kissed me softly.
"I take it you rather enjoyed that." She giggled. "There's plenty more where that came from as long as you continue to please me."
I could hardly speak, for some reason I had been feeling more emotional than usual just lately and there were tears welling in my eyes.
"Hold me darling." Andrea said. We lay together in shared bliss until we heard Marcella crying.
"I hope I didn't wake her." I said.
"Well you were rather vocal just now." She leaned across me, her lips closing against mine. Her fingers stroking my nipples as if she knew that they had recently become a little sensitive.
Marcella raised the level of her crying another notch.
"I'll go..." Andrea said.
"No no, you've been busy at work all day... I'll go. It's my job anyway."
"You're so good to me Alex." She said.
I slipped out of bed and feeling the chill air against my shoulders looked for my dressing gown. Andrea's had been carelessly cast onto the floor in our earlier haste and picking it up I slipped into its silky embrace and padded across the hall to the nursery. Marcella lifted her arms up to me as soon as she saw me. I found it almost heartbreaking, the total trust, the love she already had for me.
I lifted her from her cot and sat on the rocking chair. Humming gently with her pressed against me she soon quietened. As I rocked, her eyes closed and the light from the moon shone on her face. I could see a smile of contentment on her little face... It was one of those precious moments that stays with you forever.
"Was she hungry?"
I looked up and saw that Andrea had followed me into the nursery.
"No she just needed a cuddle."
"You're rather good at that..." She said. "You know when I stood by the door watching you, it reminded me of a painting."
"Oh..."
"Mm... With the moonlight across your silky hair and wearing my dressing gown, I thought: Madonna and child." Andrea turned her face to the window. You see that star just rising over the horizon... it looks so beautiful."
"I think it's Venus," I said. "A planet not a star."
"When you look up at it in the vastness of the dark sky, it's a star darling, surely you can appreciate the poetry, the romance..."
"Of course I can." I said. "In fact I have a secret name for it."
"Do tell."
"Well since I was a child and first noticed it in the night sky I called it Eros; it was my special star."
"Eros? that's the Greek god of love, the god of eroticism."
"I've no idea where I got the name from, to my child's mind it just seemed to fit. As you say romantic, magical. I treat it as some sort of omen of happiness; when I see it rising into the night sky I feel that all is well with the world."
"Do you ever make a wish on your special star?" Andrea asked as she knelt down and put her arms around my shoulders.
"Of course I do." I said.
"And what do you wish for?"
"I can't tell you that." I said suddenly flushing.
"I think I know you well enough to make a guess darling." She said and turning her face to me: "You are happy aren't you Alex?" I watched as with the softness of a feather she stroked Marcella's cheek and then gently kissed her forehead. "Well you didn't answer my question..."
"About being happy?"
"Mm..."
"I have never been happier Andrea, never more at peace with myself than I am now."
"I'm so pleased that you feel that way..." She stood and kissed me as delicately as she had kissed Marcella. "Don't be long sweety... I could use one of your warm cuddles myself."
If I could have spent the rest of my life reliving those few hours, I would have passed my life in a state of contented bliss. But life is not always kind, especially not for the obstinately naive.
As the weeks progressed Andrea often bought me gifts, usually clothes but sometimes something as simple as treat from the patisserie or a bunch of flowers, their perfume filling the room with the scent of serenity. One day she came home with a pair of small gold ball ear-studs for me. Which meant that I had to get my ears pierced, not something that I looked forward to but the reality was far less traumatic than I had been expecting. Once fitted the studs did look rather chic. I now had, thanks to Andrea's generosity a growing wardrobe of new clothes non of which were overtly masculine. Recently she had even started buying my underwear for me. I have no idea where she bought them but they were far removed from my usual boxer shorts – those she consigned, with a flourish, to the rubbish bin. She was sending me a message that I not only understood but was starting to embrace. Her gifts, according to Andrea, were a reflection of my new lifestyle. I could sense her wanting to soften my gender identity, getting far away from the business suits that had been my uniform when working for Spencer. Instead she nudged me into wearing things that were androgynously fashionable. How could I complain?
One day she brought home a new outfit: white jeans, tight with a fashionable distressed look. They were not something that I would have chosen myself, my fashion sense had been rather curtailed by the expectations that had been placed on me to conform while working for Spencer. But things in that area were definitely changing as I let myself be guided by Andrea's instinctive understanding of style.
Together with the jeans Andrea had splashed out on a knitted top in cable stitch with three quarter sleeves, a sleeveless suede jacket, a sort of waistcoat I told myself and some matching suede boots with a fringe down the back. When I dressed in the outfit and did a twirl for Andrea's approval, she was delighted suggesting that it would be perfect for when I took Marcella shopping. There was little in the way of pockets so Andrea had got me a shoulder bag. This was ideal as it could hold not only my wallet and so on but all the paraphernalia that I needed to tote around for Marcella.
I had spent a rather hectic day one Friday: A couple of loads of washing, vacuuming, preparing a nice dinner and then my usual weekly Supermarket shopping with Marcella. In the supermarket carpark I found myself struggling a little getting Marcella's stroller out of my little Toyota. There was a tight gap in the rear hatch to manoeuvre the stroller though and I was starting to get a little flustered, my hair blowing into my eyes, when I was rescued by a passing middle aged guy who kindly offered me his help. He seemed happy to take charge of the situation, unfolding and locking the stroller into position for me.
"There you go love." He said. "A cute baby you've got there, now you take care."
I thanked him and as I watched him walk away it suddenly registered that he had called me 'love'. He was clearly addressing me as a woman. Maybe it was my long blondish hair or the new outfit that Andrea had bought me; maybe he just need glasses. The fact is, when I thought about it, the idea of being mistaken for a woman was not the threat to my self image it might have been only a few months earlier, In fact as I let his words repeat in my head, I found the kindness of the man's comments fill me with a warm glow. I must also admit there was a wholly unexpected shiver of, what could only be described as, excitement run up my spine.
After Andrea's interventions in my lifestyle, it would not be too much of a stretch to begin to see my alter ego as a young mum. It was perhaps with these feelings dizzying my common sense, that when I bought myself an inexpensive but much needed pair of sunglasses, I made my choice, after a little hesitation, from the women's section.
The following Sunday Andrea had some work to catch up on, it was hardly an unusual state of affairs. Her life as a corporate lawyer was financially rewarding but very demanding and I longed for the rare family weekend breaks when Andrea would take me and Marcella away for a few stolen days of bliss. We might go to the Coromandel or to lake Taupo for a few days just to luxuriate in each other's company. After sharing a family lunch Andrea disappeared into her office and closed the door. It was a sign that she needed to be alone so I dressed in the outfit that Andrea had recently added to my wardrobe and took Marcella to Cornwall park. Leaving the Yaris in the car-park I meandered with her under the dappled shade of the tall trees. My new sunglasses were perched atop my blond hair as I pushed Marcella in her stroller keeping up a constant chatter of baby talk. She was still far too small for the children's play area but I strolled with her along the winding pathways. I lifted Marcella in my arms as we watched the children playing, then feeling the need of a coffee, I found the café and I bought Marcella an ice-cream laughing as she got it all over her face. Luckily I had a large box of tissues in my bag.
As I strolled away some boisterous children came chasing after a ball and bumped into my legs, their mother calling out telling the children to 'say sorry to the lady.' I waved them away with a smile. The mother calling to me. "I'm sorry about that, wait 'till yours is a little older, you have no idea what's in store for you." her voice floating across the sun-dappled grass as she gathered her offspring together to lead them away.
So now it seemed that the world saw me as a lady, I imagined there were worse things to be mistaken for and in fact I again felt that little frisson of excited anticipation as my self image took another quantum shift. That moment seemed to open a conduit leading me further down a path on which, guided by Andrea, I had so far only taken a few tentative steps. As I held Marcella in my arms, I allowed myself to envision a future where my present happiness would stretch on forever. All to soon as the sun started to sink it was time to return home. We had spent a simple but very pleasant afternoon my baby and I.
By the time we emerged from the lift, Andrea was reclining on her chair looking out across the terrace and watching the sway of the apple green foliage that I had planted in the small garden. The wind chimes were playing a gentle melody that seemed to speak to me of contentment. I felt instinctively that contentment was not a possession that could be owned, rather a quality of thought, a state of mind to be cherished.
"I could see your car as you drove back," Andrea said turning her quiet smile to me. "You looked so small and vulnerable from up here... but it gave me a thrill to know that you both belonged to me and were coming home." She held her hand out for me. "I love the sunglasses." She said and I felt the simple thrill of a complement from the one who's opinion was most important to me.
"Thanks that's so sweet of you to say so... Did you manage to finish your work?" I asked.
"Mm..." She took a lazy sip from her glass. "As much as I intend doing... Work is never done; it's so easy to get bogged down in it. The secret is in knowing when to draw the line."
"Well I know how you feel... Do you want to take Marcella?... I could use a shower."
"Of course give the little bundle to me." Andrea said lifting her arms up.
I could hear Andrea idly chatting to Marcella as I headed for the shower. When I finished I slipped on a pair of baggy track pants and a loose white T shirt and walked back in towelling my hair.
"Mind if I borrow your dryer?" I asked as I padded into the room in bare feet.
"Course not sweety, you know where it is... Maybe we should get you one of your own... you seem to be using mine more than I do these days."
"Sorry..."
"Don't be silly, you can be over sensitive at times." I smiled... me oversensitive?
Once my hair was towelled, I retrieved Andrea's dryer and came back and sat cross legged on the plush carpet fanning the warm air through my locks.
"Did you use the new conditioner?"
"Mm... its got a nice smell."
"I see you still have your varnished toe nails." She said. "You should keep them like that, they look so nice."
"Every time I do them, I get a little concerned at what might people say?" I said seeking reassurance maybe confirmation that it was OK to express my feminine side so overtly.
"No one's going to see your bare feet, in any case if it pleases you and me, should you care what anyone else thinks?"
"I suppose not..." My toes did look nice, almost as pretty as Andrea's. As my head swam I had a sudden delicious vision of my feet in a pair of open-toed shoes with a nice little heel and delicate ankle straps. I must have flushed at the thought and Andrea looked at me as if she could read my mind.
"Darling... everything about you is so feminine." She laughed as if she had only just noticed instead of being the architect of my transformation. Maybe I should have been offended by such a statement; and yet, I simply was not. There was nothing critical in her words, they were simply a statement of the facts. I had allowed myself to be emasculated by the woman I loved. All the changes in my personal appearance and behaviour were initially made to please Andrea and mostly at her instigation and I reminded her of that.
"I know Alex." there was a pause as she seemed to be choosing her words carefully, deliberately "you've been a very good girl." Her emphasis falling heavily on the last word. Andrea held my eyes in a steady gaze, waiting for me to respond to her calling me a girl. I felt it was some sort of test. Dropping my eyes from her gaze, I smiled shyly and simply said:
"Thank you."
Andrea smiled at me, a smile of affection I thought; looking back I now see that smile as one of self congratulation for having successfully and oh so easily, erased all my masculinity in just a few short months.
There was no doubt that I felt protected and cared for by Andrea, she took all the responsibility for our lives leaving me to simply look after running our home and nurturing our baby daughter. After we had eaten Andrea held her hand out to me and I took it almost submissively and allowed her to take me to bed. She made love to me, bringing me to an orgasm in the way she had trained me to accept. It was the only way that I could reach an orgasm now. When the passion had softened into warm relaxation, I curled up in Andrea's arms feeling safe and loved and soon fell into a peaceful sleep.
During our regular Friday pampering sessions, Andrea had convinced me to start wearing some, hardly noticeable, skin-tone nail varnish on my fingers saying that I had such slender and attractive fingers that it would be a travesty no to show them off to their best advantage.
"Why not grow your nails a little longer and shape them like I do?" She suggested.
She took pleasure in styling my hair into something much more feminine as she had threatened to do. I was now more comfortable in being guided by her as everything she had suggested had worked out perfectly. She bought me my own hair dryer and curling wand and one Friday she insisted that I let her pluck my eyebrows but after a half hearted hesitation the result was fine. In fact I could hardly see much difference just a little clearer definition of the femininity that I was now accepting.
"You really need eye makeup." Andrea said and I knew she was right; it was bound to be just another step on my inevitable path.
Andrea was starting to become quite demanding that I keep up appearances and would point out if I let my appearance slip. I knew that she wanted me to look more and more feminine and I found it easy and rewarding to comply. My interest in the makeup counter at the local department store, drew me to imagine with excitement what I might want to buy but for the moment my shyness held me back from approaching the sales woman. Even so I took a greater effort in making myself attractive for Andrea when she came home. Our welcome home kisses were something I looked forward to each day.
One day I had an accident with Marcella's blackcurrant juice, dropping a bottle across the toe of one of my suede boots. I scrubbed at the stain but it would not come out. I must have looked distraught when Andrea came home.
"What is it sweety?" She asked. Feeling foolish I explained what had happened but rather than being cross that I had ruined her gift she simply laughed. "It's nothing to get upset about Alex... Actually I have had my eye on a pair of rather tempting boots that might just look fantastic with your white jeans..."
"I feel really spoiled, I can't expect you to keep on buying me all these lovely things."
"You know I love giving you treats sweetie... These boots... I'd love to get them for you but I'm not sure if you are quite ready for them yet."
"Why?"
"Well they are quite sexy and they do have a bit of a heel."
I was quite intrigued by Andrea's proposed gift, her continued push to feminise me seemed to be without end. I pretended restraint but was inwardly excited. Under Andrea's watchful eye I had become much more aware of fashion and style than I used to be and was more than tempted to allow her to treat me.
"You think I would look good in them?"
"Oh yes I think you'd look divine in them Alex... I'm really enjoying dressing you in nice things... say you'll accept them."
"If you think they would be OK for me then how can I refuse? Thank you so much... I feel so pampered."
"I'll pick them up tomorrow... unless you'd like to come to the boutique with me."
"No let's keep them a surprise, I can hardly wait."
I leaned up towards Andrea's lips and we finally shared our much anticipated welcome home kiss. That night Andrea made wonderful love to me and I felt completely forgiven for ruining my suede boots and even allowed myself a little thrill of anticipation for the special replacements that Andrea had promised me.
When I lifted the boots from their packaging under Andrea's watchful gaze, I gasped. The boots although they complied with Andrea's description were not really what I had been expecting. My suede boots, to my eye at least, had been of a unisex styling; the replacements definitely were not. Shiny black leather, soft and tight when zipped on the leg, they looked stunning. I could see why Andrea had been attracted to them... the problem was the heel. I had expected something similar to the suede boots maybe just a little higher, what I was presented with was a pair of undoubtedly women's boots with a four inch stiletto heel. I had become comfortable being seen in my androgynous outfits but these boot were completely beyond that, only a woman would ever contemplate wearing anything like them. These gorgeous boots were a gift given in love by the woman I adored and just their look sent a shiver of excitement through me. Despite my initial reserve, the boots looked so sexy that I was desperate to try them on.
"Wear them with your white jeans." Andrea said. "I can't wait to see you in them."
I rushed off to the bedroom clutching my gift and dressed as Andrea had suggested. As I slid into the boots I felt all my concerns disappear to be replaced by an exquisite thrill. The boots were a perfect fit and as I stood I felt a little wobbly on the spiky heel but the moment quickly passed and I found it surprisingly easy to walk in them. In the mirror they looked stunning. I looked stunning. There was little left of the ungainly boy who used to work for Spencer. I did a twirl managing not to stumble on the heels. The surprising thing was that they felt so comfortable as if I had been born waiting for these boots to complete me. There was also an undeniable frisson of eroticism at seeing myself finally as totally and unmistakeably feminine. Dressed like this I would now have been surprised if any stranger, who might stop to help me with Marcella's stroller, would have 'mistaken' me for a man.
"Do another twirl for me sweetie." I turned to see Andrea's smile which was as broad as my own.
"Bellisima, totally bellisima." Andrea said. She was holding Marcella who was comfortably cushioned in her arms and looking at me wide eyed. I did the twirl as requested. "Oh God so sexy darling... you are definitely getting special treatment in bed tonight.
"I giggled, you think I look OK in them?..." I said seeking a final reassurance.
"You look absolutely gorgeous darling."
"But they really make me look like a woman... there is no room left for any doubt now."
"I know. Is that a problem for you sweetie? It certainly isn't for me." She came close to me and brought her lips to mine. "Kiss me." She said and I melted into her arms, the three of us in an embrace of pure love. "In any case," Andrea said after the kiss was over, "You have not looked anything like a boy for a long time now, this is just another gentle press against some imagined boundary... Say that you will wear them Alex, it will please me so much."
"Of course I will, I love them Andrea, thank you so much... I just don't want to look foolish."
"You could never look foolish darling... a stunning and sexy girl maybe."
I giggled with a little self conscious embarrassment and held out my arms for Marcella.
"You think Mummy looks good in her new boots don't you darling?" Andrea said.
Marcella laughed and held her arms out to me — clearly Marcella did like her mummy's new look.
"I think maybe what you always wanted was a wife." I said with a soft smile. Andrea turned her face to me, her eyes caught mine and held me in a gaze from which I could not turn away.
"Darling, I think you have already become my wife, don't you?" She spoke as if it were merely a statement of fact. It was probably true but the cold hard facts suddenly sparked a delicate thread thread of anger that seemed to come from nowhere. I didn't really know how to respond but blurted out the first words that came into my silly blond head.
"You've been systematically turning me into a girl since we met..." There was a long moment of silence. During which I thought of all the feminising touches that Andrea had instigated. But there was more, I had felt for a while now that I was starting to show some actual physical changes. My skin was becoming softer as if there was a little more fat underneath, I was certainly far more emotional than I used to be and I had detected a subtle swelling and tenderness around my nipples as if I were starting to develop breasts.
"Alex darling... You have been completely complicit in everything that we've done. I saw that side of you, the first moment we met. I've just been liberating the person that I know and love. Is that such a bad thing to do? Would it be so bad if we went further in letting you blossom as a woman? Marcella needs a female role model in her day-to-day life, a full time mother... With my career I see her for such a tragically short time. Would it kill you to be more like a proper mother for her, maybe even wear a skirt now and again? A little makeup?"
"You want that?" I said as I was finally forced to confront the totality of changes that had been so gradually imposed.
"Ask yourself Alex if you would be happier living fully as a woman... and if you can't find an answer just look at your lovely long blond hair and those gorgeous pink toes of yours. You could have rejected them any time. Look at the way you accepted the feminine clothes, the perfume you love dabbing behind your ear and now your love of these sexy stiletto boots. Darling you chose to grab all of this, I never forced you."
I could now feel the strange prick of tears behind my eyes.
"And so now we have the waterworks..." She said softly as she stroked the tears away and held me tightly. "Don't cry sweety but honestly... what more proof do you need that there is no trace of a man left in you?"
"I know, I know... And the other changes?" I said. Andrea fell silent, her eyes cast to the floor. "The tenderness in my breasts... among other things." I pressed.
"I'm sorry sweetheart but I did it for your own good."
"What did you do?"
"You know I made you take vitamins..." She said.
"From when I first moved in... let me guess Andrea, they were not just vitamins were they?"
"No." She said. "I know it was unforgivable to feed you hormones without discussing it with you first."
I stood, my head spinning. "Yes it was." I said. "I loved you and trusted you with all my being Andrea."
She called after me as I walked away my new heels clicking on the marble floor. I found myself in my car driving into town. I parked and walked the streets until it was nearly dark. Finally I went into a club; it was still quiet, the evening rush still an hour away. I walked up to the bar and pulled my wallet from my shoulder bag and shook my hair from my face.
"Yes Miss, what can I get you?" The barman was young, probably not even my age.
"I'll have a brandy and soda." I said using my soft feminine voice. The barman looked at me and smiled. It was definitely more than just a smile. There was something of a what are you doing later? question hovering somewhere in that innocent little expression. I gulped down my drink and left feeling even more confused than ever as I wound my way back home.
I slept in the guest suite, without speaking to Andrea again that night. But I went to Marcella when I head her crying and gave her a bottle as she cuddled up to me. When I got back into my bed, I felt so alone. All I could think about was Andrea. I needed to convince myself that what she had done came from a place of love and by morning I was ready for a reconciliation. In truth, sleeping alone had been nothing more than a feeble sulking gesture, a last kick against the inevitable as I said goodbye to the last hauntings of my manhood.
I longed for Andrea's arms while I stared into the early morning bleakness. I lay with eyes open until I could hardly remember what had angered me. As the first traces of dawn filtered into my room, I knew that I loved my life now, I loved Marcella and I still loved Andrea despite what she had done. By six I was up and after peeking in at Marcella, I stood for a while looking round the room where we had quarrelled, the cushions that still bore the imprint of our heads, the unwashed wine glass that still held a trace of Andrea's lipstick, the copy of 'Vogue' left open on the coffee table where I had dropped it, an article half read. I simply could not lose all this, not now.
I took coffee and rolls into Andrea's room.
"I'm sorry... " I said in a soft voice, little more than a whisper as I lay the little silver tray on the bed... on our bed.
"Forgiveness is divine..." Andrea said. "Shall we both be divine?"
"Yes yes. Will you forgive my overreaction?" I said.
"Of course I will..." She took a bite of her roll and sipped at her coffee.
"So where to from here?" I asked.
"That's up to you Alex, we can carry on as we have been or you can finally take the responsibility and embrace becoming the beautiful woman you were born to be." She let the coffee linger on her tongue. "This is so good," she said "you're a marvel in the kitchen these days."
I smiled shyly without replying, drawing as much comfort as I could from the kindness I found in her words. "Look sweety, none of the changes you have experienced so far are anything other than trivial. I'm so sorry about the hormones but they have not really kicked in yet."
I felt that her words had been rehearsed during the long hours of the night when she slept alone. I remembered the young barman's flirting smile and wondered how true Andrea's words could be. The world saw me as a woman now – not a man dressed in feminine clothing, not even an androgynous boy; I could no longer lay any serious claim to being male.
"Retuning yourself to that gauche boy I met at the cocktail party would take a trip to the barber and two minutes with nail polish remover." Andrea added. "But the path I think you'd like to take is another step. I'll willingly, and lovingly, help you if you want but you will have to come to me and ask. I see now that it was a mistake to pressure you into this, you have shown me that it has to be totally your decision from now on."
I nodded and took her hand, she did not pull away but neither did she lock fingers with me as we usually did. The tears pricked again as I felt the chill shadow of rejection. I turned my head towards the door. "I have to see to Marcella..." I said and ran from the room.
"As I cuddled the infant in my arms I caught sight of myself in the mirror... It was not a man that I saw. Andrea was not right, not right at all. Returning to the man she had met at the party would be impossible now, not after the emotional awakening that I had undergone. That awakening could never be undone. I knew that I had no real option if I wanted to keep this life, I would have to ask for Andrea's help, beg her if necessary. As I finally accepted that I was no longer a man in any sense that mattered, a deep quake of awakening rippled through me.
Andrea managed to leave for the office without seeing me again... It was the first time she had left without giving me a farewell kiss. I fed and changed Marcella, she had been a little grizzly since waking as if she could sense that the atmosphere was tense so I took her out to the terrace garden and read her a story, not that she was old enough to understand, but my soft voice soon lulled her to sleep. I lay her in her little cot and picked up my phone. There was only one person I needed to talk to but Andrea was in a meeting. I left a message that she might call me back as soon as she was free and went in search of coffee and the illicit stash of chocolate chip muffins that I had baked the day before.
It was an hour before I was startled from my reverie by the ringtone of my phone. I snatched it up...
"Hello Andrea?"
"Hi... What's up?"
"You left without saying goodbye..." I said, it sounded like an overemotional accusation, not what I had intended.
"Don't get upset again sweety, I thought you needed some time to think things over."
"Is that all... we're still OK aren't we?" Even as I spoke, the words tumbling from my lips sounded pitiful.
"Of course... Look darling I really have to be somewhere... get yourself a glass of wine and relax, I'll try and get home early... I'll bring home a take-away so put your feet up... OK?"
"OK." I said, wiping my nose on an already damp tissue.
"We'll talk when I get home."
"OK... Love you." I said.
Andrea was true to her word; she arrived home an hour before her usual time laden with restaurant quality Chinese food. We ate straight away and between mouthfuls opened up the conversation.
"I've thought over what you said Andrea... I simply couldn't bear to lose you and Marcella, not now..."
"I sense a 'but' darling?"
"No there's no but... It's just that it's been a hard thing to come to terms with..."
"Accepting that you are now a girl?"
"Admitting it to myself, yes. I guess deep down, my subconscious always knew. I was constantly being barraged with messages but stubbornly ignored them. It wasn't until you started to send me the same messages that the truth began to dawn. But even then I assumed there was nothing I could do about those feelings. I always loved women, loved looking at photos of models... I thought it was what all guys liked..."
"Go on..."
"Looking back I think... I know now that I wasn't looking at the models for desire of them but to imagine myself, if just for an instant..." My eyes flooded with tears and Andrea caught my hands.
"You wanted to be one of them more than you wanted to fuck them."
I laughed at the crudeness of her words. "I might not have chosen those words," I said "but yes, it seems so obvious to me now, but at the time it did not quite register. I've never been the slightest bit macho... you saw that but you also showed me in your subtle way the path I had to take."
"So you want to become fully a woman?"
I nodded and looked up into Andrea's smile.
"I am already a woman and I will do anything if it means I will be able to stay with you and Marcella."
"You know what I told you Alex... You're going to have to ask me if you want my help."
"I know... Andrea, Please help me, I would love to become more of a mother for Marcella and a wife for you... Please will you help me to make the changes."
Andrea leaned across and kissed me, she pulled me against her breast and stroked my hair.
"Of course I will darling... This will be so much fun... there's so much for you to explore."
"I feel that too... but I also feel terrified, I have no idea what it entails."
"The first stage will be getting you to live fully as a woman... Despite what you might think, you are mostly there already."
I raised my eyebrows, desperately wanting to believe Andrea's words.
"It's true darling, emotionally you have been a girl for a long time... probably for always. Fully dressing you as a woman will just be the icing on the cake... You'll need a new wardrobe, forget the androgynous look. You deserve some lovely truly feminine clothes. It will be great fun for us to do together. We'll get you used to all the little feminine things that we girls do and wear. Then after a few months or so, after your birthday say, you can decide how far you want to take it."
"I understand it might be an expensive proposition."
"I have plenty of money Alex, that should be the least of your concerns. If you are still committed, I'll make an appointment for you with Helen. She's my doctor... actually I have broached the subject with her... in very vague terms – no names involved, and she's happy to help. Apparently she's already guided several boys through their successful transitions."
"She gave you the hormones?" I asked.
"Don't ask about that darling. I took advice from Helen on what someone like you might need but it would be against medical ethics for Helen to prescribe without seeing you. Let's just say I managed to find a source."
"OK"
"We need to start really pumping up the changes to your hormonal balance, we should soon see a real difference."
"Just more pills then at first?" I said.
"Maybe injections... Helen will tell you more when she sees you."
"OK... If I have you to hold my hand through this I'm sure I'll cope."
It was still early but I felt a desperate need to draw a veil over our troubled few hours.
"Take me to bed... Will you?" I said.
She held her hand out to me, taking me to our bed she made love to me with me feeling, for the first time, like a wife.
My life carried on rather blissfully through the following seasons of that eventful year. I embraced the changes that were overtaking my body. Helen had become my doctor too by now; she was so kind and supportive that I grew to think of her as a friend. She encouraged me in my journey and constantly monitored and optimised my hormonal treatment. Andrea paid for me to have laser hair removal on my face. To be honest I had never had much more than a little adolescent down and the facial hair that I once had was soon nothing but a memory. My voice had softened almost without any effort on my part and I became confident and adept with makeup and took to wearing stronger colours on my now femininely long finger nails; something which Andrea seemed to adore. Sometimes she would kiss me without warning, catching me unaware and flustered. There were no shadows between us any more it was a quiet still happiness. I now no longer felt the need to straddle the gender divide, it was time to accept who I was. Over the months the few people that I encountered in my daily life had, I finally realised, always assumed that I was a girl. I now saw no reason to disabuse them of their opinion. I was happy to be thought of as female, my male ego had long since shrivelled to nothing but a distant memory.
I started to buy pretty underwear, by now I had a real need of support for my swelling but still juvenile breasts. There was a definite cleavage to show off when I wore my low cut blouses. My face had seemed to soften so that when I stared at my reflection I could see that I was becoming pretty and my broadening hips were giving me a more feminine shape. As I started to wear skirts and dresses, the need to tuck my unwanted parts away became suddenly rather important. Andrea advised me to take advice from the internet on the issue as it was one of the few things that she had no experience of. It soon became second nature to me but I looked eagerly to the time when I might be free of those bits and pieces once and for all.
I started to revel in my ability to arouse Andrea, dressed in a tight skirt with stockings and stilettos, with my face made up like a model, she seemed to lose all control and would drag me off to bed as soon as she could with me giggling like a wanton temptress. She seemed infatuated with my growing breasts and used her tongue on my nipples to skilfully arouse me before turning my poor body into a trembling orgasmic jelly.
After one such event we lay side by side and Andrea took my hand. "I'm sorry I gave you the hormones without telling you darling." I could see the glaze of tears in her eyes.
"Don't feel sorry, it would not have taken much for you to convince me. I think if I'm honest I had already guessed what you were doing but chose to rationalize the changes I was feeling in ways that made no real sense... Andrea I love what you have done to me." I held her and kissed her lips feeling her warm tears against my naked skin.
It was a year since I had met Andrea. The season had turned to winter again. It had certainly been a turbulent year but I regretted nothing of the past months.
One evening Andrea came home tired from a long day at the office. I poured her a glass of wine and sat on the floor next to her, my head on her lap.
"It's a dreadful bore." She said as she stroked my hair that now hung almost half way down my back. "But it seems I have to attend a symposium in Queenstown for a few days next week."
I knew Queenstown. It was a popular tourist centre, the winter sports Mecca of New Zealand and a place sought after for holding symposia and for well heeled businessmen to entertain valued clients.
"Spencer has some property in Queenstown." I said.
"Oh really?"
"Mm, a sort of second home. He used to take his most valued clients there for weekend breaks and dragged me along when he needed..." I paused for an instant searching for the appropriate word.
"A hand maid?" Andrea suggested. I laughed but looking back that's exactly how it felt.
"Queenstown is such a beautiful place but I was given no time to explore it. Never even managed to get down to see the lake up close."
"I don't suppose you'd like to come with me would you?" Andrea suggested, suddenly brightening at the prospect. "I know it's your birthday next week and I'd be so sorry to miss it... but if you came with me, I could extend the trip a couple of days and we could make a celebration of it."
"Is Spencer likely to be there?" I asked nervously.
"It's the sort of function he might want to be seen at." Andrea said. "But it won't be a problem: You won't be attending the symposium and even if you did bump into him, there's no way he would recognise you now."
"I suppose not... It could be embarrassing if he did recognise me."
"Trust me sweety, that would never happen; you have changed so much that even I can hardly remember how you used to look."
"Well the thought of a trip away together sounds fantastic but what about Marcella?"
"Ah, well... She could come too or... Actually I bumped into Amy the other day. I don't think she's doing anything at the moment; maybe she could move in for a week to take care of babykins."
The mention of Amy settled over me like a dark cloud. She had never seemed to like me for some reason and I had felt uncomfortable around her. She was also one of the few people who knew me before the changes that had transformed me. I could imagine the veiled insults she might throw at me because of my ongoing transition.
"Now I think about it," Andrea continued "That's what I'll do. You could use a break from your domestic routine, even if it's just a week without dealing with the demands of an infant. I'm sure Amy will do it. I'll call her now."
Before I could mount a counter argument Andrea was already making the call. I slipped from the room not wanting to hear the conversation and started to boil water for some tea. Andrea soon found me struggling with the lid of the biscuit tin taking care not to break a nail.
"There it's all arranged..." She said. "Amy will arrive in two days and I'll book a flight for you and me for the following day. I'm going to be busy for the first part of the week, for some reason they want me to give a lecture, but after that's done we can spend the rest of the time together. I'll organise a hire car from the airport for you to do some sight seeing while I'm busy and then on your birthday I'll take you out for an expensive dinner."
"It sounds wonderful." I said, my disquiet at the prospect of seeing Amy again softening.
The next day I took Marcella with me while I had my hair styled and coloured to a gorgeous strawberry blond shade. Then I had my nails done before going wild with Andrea's credit card and shopping for something suitable for a week in Queenstown. I bought a lovely silky green evening dress with matching shoes, an elegant shoulder wrap and a wickedly expensive evening bag. For the rest of the week I bought some warm day-wear clothing, a nicely fashionable padded jacket with a woolly bobble hat, gloves and a lovely soft cashmere scarf.
When I got back home Andrea was there, she had returned early, she told me, to work on her lecture. As she greeted me she looked a little flushed.
"Hi darling, your hair looks stunning. I told you that you were crying out to be a full blond, that hint of pink looks divine."
I twirled to show the bounce and curl in my newly styled hair.
"Thank you I'm so happy that you like it... I've rather given your credit card a spanking I'm afraid."
"Don't think about it." Andrea said. "Oh by the way Amy has arrived a day early. I've installed her in the guest suite as usual."
"This is just for the week?" I said as I caught a glimpse of the grey cloud again.
"Oh yes I'm sure she has better things to do with her life."
I sat Marcella in her high chair and gave her a slice of sweet apple to gnaw on before making my way towards the bedroom with my bags of shopping. "Come and see what I've got, I hope you'll approve." I called but Andrea had beaten me to the bedroom and was straightening the bed covers. I could have sworn that I'd made the bed before leaving, but hey I was a full blown blond bimbo now, a little forgetfulness was to be expected.
I showed Andrea what I had bought and she was full of complements on my selection. We walked back together from the bedroom and I was confronted by the sight of Amy holding Marcella kissing her cheeks. I felt suddenly possessive for my little girl, not wanting Amy to think she could suddenly take her from me as if nothing had changed. Marcella seemed uncomfortable in Amy's arms; I had the feeling that she no longer recognised her and when she saw me she held her arms out to me with a little whimper.
I took her from Amy who smiled at me.
"Well haven't you made stunning progress." She said. She kissed my cheek in what seemed to be true affection. "You are breathtakingly beautiful and it's clear that I was wrong about you Alex, will you forgive me?"
"Of course." I said "I like to be called Alexandra these days."
"I'm sorry, Alexandra it is." She looked at Andrea and there seemed to be something pass between them that I didn't quite catch, a twist of Andrea's head, the hint of a scowl.
"Right," Amy said. "I've done my unpacking so I'll leave you two alone, I promised to meet up with some Aussie mates for drinks so I'd better be on my way."
Andrea walked her to the lift and I heard the sound of a brief and indistinct conversation pass between them. When she came back she was smiling and took my hands.
"Darling... there's something I'd like to give you, an early birthday gift. Wait here." She went into the bedroom and returned with a small leather covered case. "These used to my grandmother's... I'd like to give them to you. She opened the case and withdrew a string of pearls. They caught the light and shone deeply lustrous reflecting the light in shimmering white and pink and blue. I could see how delicate and perfectly matched they were. There were also two matching drop earrings which completed the set to absolute perfection.
"Oh Andrea, they are magnificent, but I couldn't accept them, they must be worth a fortune."
"Come hear." She said "Be a good girl and accept my gift given with love." I did what she asked and Andrea placed the pearl necklace round my slender neck. "Listen to me Alexandra, whatever happens in the future I want you to know that there is no one, absolutely no one who I would rather have these pearls."
There were tears in her eyes that precipitated the same in mine. I felt that something momentous had just happened but did not know what it was.
"Thank you so much." I said and we clung to each other for so long that in the end I had to break away to run in search of a box of tissues.
Saying goodbye to Marcella nearly tore the heart from my chest but it was only for a week. Just a short week I told myself.
"Look after her." I said to Amy in a voice that was more like a plea than an instruction from the mistress of the house.
"She'll be fine.. now off you two go and give Queenstown a thrashing."
We were soon on our way to the airport. Andrea driving her BMW with a fluid skill that made my own efforts behind the wheel seem amateur. Andrea paid for the most premium seats and were treated like royalty on the flight. On landing we collected the sporty little hire car, and Andrea drove us to our hotel. The air was crisp, almost exotic and heady as if we had flown to a different country. We were shown to our room and I folded myself into Andrea's arms.
"Make love to me." I whispered.
"I will," Andrea said "But I'm a little tense at the moment with the looming lecture I have to give. Can we put that on hold until the night of your birthday and make it a day to remember?"
It had been a while since we had made love and my desire was growing stronger as each day passed but I smiled and, like a good girl, made do with a kiss. The next morning Andrea was up and ready early. I could detect a little nervousness in her which I had rarely seen from her before but she had to speak in front of a large audience which was something that I could not, even in my wildest dreams, imagine doing.
"You'll be fine." I said.
"Thank you sweety." Her words were accompanied by a rather fragile smile. "Now you'll be OK on your own all day?"
"Yes, I plan on exploring the places I've missed out on before. I'll be absolutely fine."
"OK well I must rush, I'll see you this evening." I blew her a kiss from the bed as she slipped through the door.
After a pleasant light breakfast, I made my way to the hire car. It was a two seater convertible. Being used to an automatic, I struggled a little with the gears at first and cursed myself for not wearing flat shoes but soon got used to the car. I made my way cautiously along the unfamiliar roads under a sky so fiercely blue that it seemed to magnify the intensity of the landscape. The air falling from the Southern Alps was as cold as ice but I wore my bobble hat to keep my hair under control and with the top down and the heater on full blast it was a glorious drive. I went down to Lake Wakatipu and took photographs with Andrea's camera. The camera was fitted with a telephoto lens which I struggled with until I discovered how to operate the zoom mechanism. I then drove south, following the lake edge to Kingston at the southern tip of the lake where I took more photos and had a lovely lunch at the local cafe bar. I casually used the ladies room, without the slightest feeling of self-consciousness, touching up my lipstick in the mirror as if it were second nature to me. As I left, in a moment of capriciousness, I cast a slightly flirty smile to the rather ruggedly handsome owner. I could feel his eyes following me as I walked towards the car and as I turned for one last look, my instinct was proved correct. He had moved closer to the window to watch me but as my eyes lifted to him, he turned away suddenly self conscious moving to clear a table.
Slowly I was starting to believe what Andrea and Amy had told me, that I really was beautiful. I had never thought of myself as a flirt but I was suddenly, and quite wickedly, frolicking in the effect I was having on the men I encountered.
As I started back towards Queenstown, it occurred to me that Spencer's property was not far away from our hotel and I made a deliciously impish plan for the next day. I would drive out to where the road overlooked the spreading stone buildings of Spencer's Queenstown domain and spend a little time spying on the Estate that I used to know so well – once upon a different time. There was no malice in my intention more curiosity and a feeling that if I could look on his property from a distance like a stranger, then my remove from Spencer would be confirmed and I really could put those days behind me.
I was back at the hotel by five after a thoroughly enchanting day I waited in the bar, sipping at a glass of wine, for Andrea to return. It may have been my imagination but I seemed to receive quite a lot of admiring glances from the passing gentlemen though no one spoke to me which was rather a relief. When she finally arrived Andrea was clearly tired, her lecture had by all accounts been a success. I was grateful that she didn't trouble me with the details; I had no wish to further confirm my ignorance of Andrea's area of legal expertise. I could see she was emotionally exhausted and I did my best to help her relax. We had our dinner in our room and dozed in front of the television until it was time for bed. There was no love making but I was storing up my explosive passion for my birthday night.
The next day I relaxed until lunch, sleeping late and taking a long spa. The afternoon was already planned and I drove out towards Spencer's estate under another brilliant blue sky and parked on the hill overlooking his valley retreat. Despite the fineness of the day the air was again glacial and I was glad of my new thermal lined jacket as I left the warmth of the car and stood by a rickety lichen-covered fence. The Estate buildings were further away than I had imagined and blended into the tussocky landscape becoming almost invisible. The view was something of an anticlimax until I remembered Andrea's camera and collected it from the car. I zoomed in for a better view and discovered that little had changed since I was last there two years ago. I saw the Estate Manager walk out to the Range Rover and drive out across the rough track up towards the main road. I seem to remember he was called McGregor, an avuncular sort of man that I had a fondness for. Nestled in the gravel parking space between the two main buildings, I saw Spencer's Porsche. A teenaged boy, unknown to me, was soaping its silver paintwork. The tinted window glass catching the afternoon sun with a brilliant flash as I scanned across the scene.
Spencer had an identical car back in Auckland. He was never a man to do things by halves. There was no sign of the man himself but if he were in Queenstown, he would probably be attending the symposium. After all this time there was still something mesmerising about him; his effortless mastery of his universe and his sheer animal magnetism were hard to forget. But in the end my little dabble at spying seemed pointless, almost shameful. There was little more to see and with a self deprecating smile I got back into the car and quietly drove away. I felt confident that Spencer no longer had any power over me and the following day I would turn twenty three and there was a celebration to look forward to.
On my birthday Andrea presented me with a huge bunch of camelias and a gorgeous and wickedly expensive bottle of Annick Goutal perfume. We spent the day walking and shopping in Queenstown and then took a delightful trip on the lake in the Earnslaw Steamship. As the evening of my birthday arrived I dressed in my new gown, Andrea securing the clasp of my gifted pearls.
"They look so beautiful on you." She said stroking my cheek. I slipped the matching ear rings in place of my usual gold studs and felt the swing of their weight as almost erotic. I quickly dabbed on a splash of my Annick Goutal and grabbing my evening bag was led out to the hire car. The restaurant that Andrea had booked was in the exclusive Trudon hotel, less than 15 minutes away and she drove us there in her usual confident style.
Off I went, feeling perfectly adorable. Not even Trudon’s marble entrance hall could intimidate me. On being greeted by the staff, who seemed to know Andrea, we were seated in our own secluded alcove. Once all the waiters were finished fluttering about us, I allowed myself to fall once more under Andrea's spell. The way she dealt with all this extravagant attention, which would have overwhelmed me if I were alone, was another insight into her self confidence. She had that seductive way of simply believing her opinion to be the truth and yet somehow without showing any real arrogance.
The waiters brought us a wonderful meal, layered in multiple courses. Each one seeming to anticipate the next. I drank the lion's share of our wine as Andrea was driving and by the time that we had made our selections from the dessert menu, I was feeling blissfully content but my head was definitely swimming from the drink. Well, it was my birthday, I think little overindulgence can be excused once in a while. I sat gazing into Andrea's eyes thinking about what we would do in bed when we got back to our room. I was allowing myself to feel very aroused at the prospect when a shadow moved into my peripheral vision. I turned my eyes and saw a terrifyingly attractive man, tall, powerfully built and oozing personal confidence. I recognised him instantly. What I did not recognise was the powerful lurch of physical attraction I involuntarily felt towards him.
"Oh hello Andrea... Didn't know you frequented this place." He said; his voice deeply resonant and suddenly spine-chillingly attractive.
"Spencer, what a surprise." Andrea held out her hand to him and they greeted with a kiss of cheeks.
"And who's this absolutely stunning young woman?" Spencer said turning his eyes to me. He seemed to study me long and hard, I felt sure he could see though my feminised persona straight to the gangling insecure boy that I used to be. I felt a flush run up my neck to my cheeks.
"This is Alexandra." Andrea said. "We are out celebrating her birthday." Spencer took my hand and kissed my fingers. It was enough to send a shiver down my spine but I was drawn back to reality by the shrill ring tone of Andrea's phone. I immediately thought of Marcella with a slight feeling of panic.
"What is it?" I asked anxiously. "Not Marcella."
"No, no. It's alright darling... just the office back in Auckland. There's some emergency..." She spoke a little more to whomever had called and I felt with sinking heart that our evening was about to be curtailed. Finally Andrea ended the call.
"I'm so sorry darling but this is rather urgent. I need my laptop and It's back at the hotel." I had already picked up enough of the phone conversation to realise that my chance of having sex any time soon had just evaporated. I probably made some kind of an infantile whimper and Andrea took my hand. "Do you want to come back with me now or I'll leave the car for you and I'll take a taxi back to the Hotel?"
"I'll come back with you." I said. "It's not your fault... I was just so looking forward to... you know later."
"Me too sweety... I'll try not to be too long but there's no telling, this could take half the night to sort out."
I had heard similar words before and they gave me no comfort. By the time Andrea got finished sorting out the emergency I would almost certainly be lost to sleep.
"Oh we can't have that." Spencer said. "I'll take care of the divine Alexandra for the evening and see that she gets back to your hotel safely."
I could feel the panic rising, of all the people in the world that I did not wish to expose my transformation to, Spencer was number one on the list. At the same time, I found his powerful masculinity to be overwhelmingly alluring; a feeling that was completely new to me, compelling and yet as dangerous as a swelling tsunami. Before I could speak Andrea accepted the offer on my behalf:
"Oh Spencer my darling that would be so kind of you, I was hating the prospect of spoiling Alexandra's birthday."
"So, there's no problem then, just leave her in my hands. I'd love to take care of her..." He turned his smile to me. "If that's alright with you Alexandra."
What could I do? I could not seem ungrateful in the face of such kindness, it was also clearly what Andrea wanted; I felt that accepting Spencer's offer was a kindness to her, lifting the guilt of spoiling my birthday from her shoulders.
"I would like that." I said smiling sweetly. Somehow, liberated by my recent transformation, I had become aware of men in a very different way and Spencer, although a terrible boss, was now having an effect on me that was completely outside anything I had experienced before. He was the sort of man whom any girl might die for, and suddenly after all my years of contempt for the young women who threw themselves at him, I suddenly understood how they must have felt. I clung onto the hope that he would never associate the attractive young woman, who's hand he had just kissed, with my former incarnation as Alex his personal assistant.
In any case, despite my unexpected and rather disturbing physical attraction to the man, nothing was going to happen between us. I was in love with Andrea, and a devoted mother to Marcella. I took, rather naively, his invitation to me as a gesture of kindness, with no strings attached... It seems that I had wilfully forgotten the true nature of this man with his insatiable lust for women and the effect it might have on me now that there was a different set of hormones coursing through my body.
Feeling that all this was unreal, that I was watching a movie unroll before my eyes, I watched Andrea leave the dining room. She had left the car keys for me and turned briefly by the exit to wave a farewell. There was a half smile on her face but also another look... a confused mixture of sadness, regret and something more that I could not quite name. Her look did not fill me with confidence. I had a sudden urge to run after her and hold her in my arms but Spencer turned his searing gaze to me and I felt suddenly weak, with an unwanted passion rising in me that I found myself struggling against.
"I've got a suite here that I use for entertaining guests." He said.
I already knew that from a past life that seemed so remote now that the memory might have come from a dream. "Maybe you'd like to come up and look around. I think you would find it more comfortable and I'd love to show you the view... " He turned his gaze to the waiter who, in what appeared almost to be a choreographed dance, effortlessly negotiated his way across the dining room with a silver tray balanced on the tips of his fingers.
"A chocolate mousse for madam." He said placing my dessert on the table before spinning on his heel and vanishing back into the kitchen. Spencer took my fingers in his hand.
"Bring the mousse up with you and we can get to know each other a little better."
I wondered how many other girls he had used that line on before; as Spencer's P.A. I had certainly been tasked with cleaning up the repercussions from many of his past conquests. Despite knowing this I still felt an almost self-destructive urge to join those poor girls and submit to Spencer's, and it must be admitted, my own, libido. Ignoring the inner alarm bells that were sounding loudly, I involuntarily batted my eyelids like a moonstruck teenager on her first date. "We can have a drink then I'll drive you home." Spencer added with the most innocent of smiles.
I looked up at him wide eyed and as vulnerable as Bambi confronted by a pack of salivating wolves. Despite this a swell of lust lifted me on a wave of recklessness.
"Maybe just a few minutes." I said in my softest, most feminine voice. "But promise you won't keep me out too late Spencer."
He took my hand. In all the time I had known him we may have shaken hands once or twice, this was very different. A gentle but firm hold, forceful and irresistible as he led me towards the lift. I hardly remember the ride up to his suite, just the pounding in my chest and the softness of the elevator music that seemed to me to be so romantic. My dessert was left forgotten and untouched on the table.
The view from his recently refurbished suite was magical with the distant street lights reflecting on the stillness of the Lake. I swear I could see Venus rising in the night sky... that had to be good omen, didn't it? Spencer took off his jacket and handed me a too large glass of Brandy. As I took it with slightly trembling fingers, I found the view inside Spencer's suite to be even more inviting. He drew his face close to mine and whispered in my ear. "I love your perfume, it's so sexy... now drink up... I can sense that you are a little tense; there really is no need to be, I'm here take care of you."
The thought of a strong man being there to take care of me, allowing me to abandon myself completely into his protection, seemed unbelievably alluring. I nodded and gulped at the liquor. It tasted wonderfully mellow and warming as I swallowed; my senses were starting to swim. From somewhere music started playing, romantic and familiar song from a long bygone age something about flying to the moon, playing among the stars. It may have been Sinatra, I was not sure but I seemed to float, lifted by the melody and the masculine presence that held me in his power. Spencer took me in his arms, holding me close we started to sway to the music and then he guided me across the floor in a slow intimate cheek to cheek dance. His strong arms steering me across the room as if I weighed no more than a feather and then he drew his lips close to mine inviting me to accept a kiss. I could feel the swell of his breath on my face, the spice of his aftershave heady and intoxicating. I was spellbound and lifted my lips up to his. A voice somewhere deep in my head was screaming no no no but the kiss he gave me was like an electric shock silencing that inner voice. I had wickedly imagined his kiss since he had first appeared at our table but the reality was almost too much for me. I now needed him with a fascination that I had never known before. But how could I let this continue? Despite how I looked, I was still not a real woman and even in the face of my burning desire for Spencer to make love to me, I knew that this folly could only end in an embarrassing disaster. I felt the guilt at betraying Andrea cut deep into me even as I clung closer to his embrace and drew my lips up to him returning his kiss.
Spencer slipped the shoulder strap from my dress, his strong hands caressing my breast, slipping it from the cup of my bra, he bent down and kissed my nipple with a gentleness that I had not expected.
Then he spoke and his words shocked me.
"Alexander, I know who you are. Darling don't be afraid, I want to make love to you. Will you let me?"
I was completely stunned, I could not understand how he knew who I was but as I tried to pull away, Spencer only drew me closer into his warm embrace. He nibbled at my ear, his hot breath falling across my neck. A shiver of pure sexual intoxication ran across my frame. My heart was pounding as if it was about to burst and I was desperate, despite everything, to give myself to him in any way that he wanted. I closed my eyes allowing myself to be drawn deeper into the exquisite moment, to feel the passion of his intimate closeness for just a few more instants before I could find the strength to pull away and run from his room.
"Will you let me make love to you darling?" He repeated in a sultry whisper. I opened my eyes and saw his beautiful face, so masculine so compelling that all my resistance suddenly evaporated. Despite all I knew about him, despite the pain of betraying Andrea, I simply nodded and Spenser slid the zipper of my dress down letting the delicate satin gown ripple to the floor. His hands nimbly removed my bra. "Oh Alex your breasts are exquisite." he said as he gently fondled them. Then he drew my face up to his and clamped his lips against mine and I willingly drew his tongue into my mouth. In this moment I was his, all resistance gone, completely and hopelessly surrendered.
I felt Spencer lift me in his powerful arms and carry me to his bed. He slowly removed the rest of my clothing and watching me naked on the bed he pulled off his own clothes revealing a muscled torso that I had never seen before. He drew himself onto me and roused me to ever greater passion by kisses and delicate intimate fondling. When he finally entered me any lingering resistance was long gone and I willingly accepted the full power of a real man thrusting deep inside me. After an all too short time my back arched with a tremendous shuddering orgasm but Spencer continued pumping me as I gasped for air. Then he came and as I felt the surge of his hot semen gush into me, I came again this time even more powerfully. I think I let out a high pitched scream of ecstasy as Spencer left me gasping and exultant.
In the afterglow, before I could contemplate the enormity of what I had done, I lay beside Spencer on the bed, curled against him, my crimson nails buried into his dark chest hair. I had the feeling that he had finally made me into a real woman. Then the door suddenly burst open and I felt it like the shock-wave of a thunderclap. I hardly had the courage to lift my eyes to the voice that I knew so well.
"I've changed my mind about this Spencer. Oh no... Am I too late?"
I pulled the sheets up to cover my nakedness but there was nothing Andrea had not seen before.
"I's not often I lose a bet Andrea; this time it might have been worth it... I never believed you could do this but you win. You really have turned Alex into something quite special... not just a slut desperate for my hard dick."
"No... no." Andrea sobbed. Her eyes turned to me. "I'm so sorry Alex..."
I raised myself up and tumbled from the bed naked and feeling as if I had just been raped, even though I had been completely complicit in what had just taken place.
"I'm sorry Alex... This... all started as a, sort of joke, just an innocent..." Andrea said, her words flustered and barely coherent.
"A joke?" I screamed. "Then you never felt anything for me but contempt?"
"No no no, not contempt Alex, never that." She sobbed her tears streaking her face and through her anguish she spluttered a vile explanation: "At first there was no real feeling for you at all, but as I got to know you as a person, I came to love you... you must believe that."
"How can I believe anything you say Andrea? How could you carry on with this contemptible bet if you, in any way, loved me? How could you treat me like that? After all we have gone through together, you have turned me into nothing more than a transvestite whore... just for some psychotic bet."
"No it wasn't like that Alex..."
"You knew that I'd never be able to resist Spencer." I screamed, my eyes flooded with bitter tears that ran like a torrent down my cheeks.
Spencer was on his feet now, dripping with his usual arrogance, he turned to me.
"Don't make such a big deal of this. You had a great shag... Andrea didn't make you sleep with me Alex." He said coming to her defence. "You wanted me as much as I wanted you... Probably more. Nothing was forced and I've just given you the best sex you've ever had in your life."
"Even if that's true Spencer it was all based around a lie. I've been horribly abused."
"You're the one who cheated on Andrea, admit it, you were desperate for me... the easiest chick I've ever taken."
My tears of shame and anger flowing down my mascara stained cheeks, I grabbed my clothes and hastily making myself decent, collected my things and ran for the door. I made the hallway without making eye contact with Andrea and stabbed manically at the lift button.
Thankfully no one else was in the lift as it descended painfully slowly to the ground floor. I was desperate to flee unseen but as I ran across the lobby, my heels clutched in my hands I could see all the eyes turning to me. I have no idea what they thought... a defiled young woman, an abandoned lover, a transvestite whore fleeing in her shame... I had no idea what to do as I burst through the doors and felt the icy air sting against my bare shoulders. Then I saw the Mazda hire car and remembered that I had the keys in my bag. Despite all the alcohol I had drunk I drove away heedless of my impairment. I glanced in the rear view mirror and through the blur of my tears saw Spencer. He stood, arms waving trying to tell me more lies. Then he was running for his Porsche. I accelerated away turning onto the main road against the sound of a blaring horn and the shrill squeal of tortured tyres as an innocent driver was forced to avoid my insane driving. I drove on up towards the mountains; not that I had any plan just an overwhelming need to escape.
I was out on Lomond crescent, the Porsche's headlights in the distance now flashing in my mirror. I swerved up onto a loose gravel track trying to escape from Spencer, the tyres of the Mazda scrabbling in protest. I finally seemed to have lost him as the track became rutted and hard to negotiate so I slewed to a stop tumbling out of the car and gasping at the cold air. The night air hit me like a fist. I was cold, beyond cold but I welcomed the numbing iciness. I could feel the feathers of delicate snowflakes falling against my face. Despite the freezing air, the view down to the silvery lake reflecting the shimmering light's of Queenstown held a stillness that my spirit craved. I lifted my eyes up to the sky and saw the flash of stars as the leaden clouds skittered past driven by a tormenting wind. I felt myself turning in circles under the spinning stars, looking for answers that would not come. I shifted my gaze to the snow covered peaks; they stood silent, majestic, awe-inspiring and untroubled by the petty worries of a lost soul on her birthday. I started walking aimlessly but it was far too late to be up there in the dead of winter, dressed for an evening in a warm restaurant. I was hardly thinking straight, not by a long way, not after what I had done.
I pulled my wrap across my shoulders and stumbled on with no idea where I was going. The sky above Queenstown, shimmering over the mountains seemed to hold onto the light long after the sun had gone down, something to do with the purity of the air drew the stars down until they rested against the lake. The western sky behind the dark clouds was still tinged with the memory of pink but my mood seemed to draw the colour from my surroundings leaving nothing to see. Grey upon grey. Desolation.
I had left the Mazda's sidelights on still glowing a welcome, a place of safety to return to but as I turned my eyes I could no longer see the car. There was no moon yet; the air was filled with the sound of running water seeping from the melting snow. I stumbled on the uneven path, my shoes, open toed with a delicate ankle strap as I had once lusted after, were just wrong for the rugged terrain. As I picked my way carefully across the puddles they let in water, icy against my toes. The puddles would soon freeze to black ice like my heart. Through it all, I knew that I had to turn back. Just a brief moment in the cleansing air and I was starting to gain the shadow of a perspective. The Southern Alps seemed to effuse purple, the lake black in the shadow of the mountains as the world turned in its own geometry invisible and insignificant in the stars of the milky way.
I heard the squeal of tyres first, an agonising sound, aggressive, nihilistic. Then as the car came closer and left the smooth tarmac following me up the rutted track, I heard the familiar snarl of the engine. I knew who it was of course long before the headlights pierced the night sky and fell against my back. I felt like running but there was nowhere left to go. The headlights fell against my shoulders like a slap showing me in stark relief against the blackness of the night. The Porsche slowed then stopped; it was suddenly silent like the moment before the inevitable crash of thunder. Then it began.
"Alex."
I pulled my flimsy wrap tighter as the wind whipped at my hair.
"Alex, come back this was all a mistake."
The words were conciliatory but I recognised the tone of his voice, it was filled with deep resonant anger. I knew he had been sent to try and make peace... I knew who had sent him but I did not want to listen. I had been cruelly betrayed and felt empty.
What what a momentous year I had lived through. Andrea had made me into a different person but not without my own complicity. I was not stupid, I watched each of her subtle manipulations and accepted them with increasing eagerness, abandoning myself to her will because it was what I wanted too. As I stood there in the desolate night I knew, even in my despair, that I could never go back to being the Alex who once inhabited this body. That old Alex no longer existed, the shattered pieces lay beyond repair. But I was left now unable to trust anyone and I could feel the strands of my future stretching out before me offering nothing but solitude and loneliness.
I heard his car door slam and the crunch of his shoes on the gravel. He came and took my arm, his fingers like a vice against my yielding flesh. I beat out with all my remaining strength wanting to hurt him but I was no match for his physicality. I had neither the strength nor, I discovered, enough hatred.
"There's nothing more you can do to me Spencer." I said. "I thought Andrea loved me but you have taken that away."
Spencer shook me by my shoulders, my head snapping back painfully as I heard his words tearing at my soul. "She never loved you... didn't you know there's only one woman in her life."
"What do you mean? Who?" I whimpered.
"Can't you guess?" He laughed.
"Not Amy?" I said as more tears flooded my eyes.
"She was never far away... Andrea had her kept cosy in a little love nest. Didn't you ever wonder about the nights she was late getting home?"
"No, no..." I cried.
"It was Amy who made the call to the restaurant... It was all set up."
I beat my fists against Spencer's chest, even if it was true there was no need for him to torture me with this now.
"Just leave me alone." I screamed.
He grabbed my wrists laughing all the while, I was too weak to fight him but we struggled and I fell to floor ripping my stockings and grazing my arms on the sharp gravel. He knelt down, not to help me but with his anger finally overwhelming him, he hit me. A punch to the face, another to my ribs. It was what I deserved, I almost welcomed the blows, the searing pain.
"Well you can rot in Hell Alex," He said "but don't say I didn't try. Some people will just not listen to reason."
I think he knew that I was beyond listening; I know he had nothing but contempt for me. Finding me was just a gesture, a way to cement his relationship with Andrea. Long after the sound of the Porsche had faded I could still feel his oppressive presence leering over me. Feeling suddenly dizzy with dark spots dancing across my eyes, my breath clouding the hazy air, I gazed up once more into the infinity of stars... Fly me to the moon I thought, the melody suddenly hateful.
I could taste the metallic stickiness of blood from my cut lip. I was alone, alone with my thoughts and my bruises. The houses were far behind me hidden behind the landscape, no lights to be seen anywhere. The lake was to my left and to my right the slope of the mountains reached down to the road as if it wanted to swallow the ribbon of tarmac in a single gulp. There were sheep standing on the hillside huddled against the cold, white but almost invisible with heads bowed, stoic. The air was suddenly still and all the colder for it. My eyes smarted with the cold. Why had this happened to me? The question ran through my head colliding with memories and dreams, some of them bitter with sadness, some of them achingly beautiful. Then with a suddenness that belonged to the isolated setting, I sobbed. It was not like before, nothing to do with anger and shame; this time my tears feeding the softly falling snow were for my lost dreams.
I left Andrea and my darling Marcella for good on that night and set about drawing the shattered fragments of my life together. It was difficult at first struggling with little money but I managed to survive, to become the woman I was destined to be. I have regrets but aching for times past is like chasing after a rainbow. The essence of my time with Andrea no longer consists solely of sadness. I look back now with measured fondness for those days. I can accept now that Andrea had grown to care for me despite what she had done. I doubt it was really love but to be cared for at all is a jewel to be treasured. I still have her pearls despite the temptation to sell them when times were at their worst. Thinking back I feel her life was filled with more regret, was sadder, than my own.
She died two years ago, hit by a speeding SUV whilst out one evening cycling under a growing dusk. It was on the TV news and I sobbed bitter tears when the item drew me, shocked, from my reverie. Marcella would never remember me but I know we had shared a precious love in those months when we played at being mother and daughter. I don't know where she is now, she will be a teenager already... I will find a way to send her the pearls when she is a little older. They were her great grandmother's and I have no right to them even though I think I have come to understand why Andrea gave them to me.
What lingers of those days is the mundane little incidents of life: a clock ticking on a wall, the sound of an infant's laughter, the tinkle of wind chimes, the evocative smell of nail polish and red wine. The people who were the centre of my universe for those short months have receded into ghosts. I no longer breathe the same air as they nor dream the same dreams. But at times I catch a glimpse of them as if across a misty valley or perhaps against a starry sky with Eros rising. Eros with its promise of renewed hope keeps alive those lost days for me. The fragile love that I found in that precious, long forgotten little family endures even now.

One day I may find someone to love me again.