Ian, part 13

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“Mmph,” I hear a familiar soft, feminine voice moan as my eyes slowly open. It’s a voice that brings back both good and bad memories- bad memories as it’s a voice that I had for the first sixteen years of my life, a voice that made me cringe every time it passed my lips. But it also brings good memories as in this case, it’s not coming from my mouth, but from the mouth of the beautiful redhead that’s snuggled up against me.

“Morning babe,” I say, waking Chloe up with a gentle kiss. “We should probably get ready- big day today, heh.”

“Mmph, I guess,” Chloe sighs. “I’d much rather stay here, though, seems like we NEVER get to do this…”

“I know, I know,” I sigh. “My grandma and your parents…”

“It was a miracle they even let me come today, heh,” Chloe chuckles. “Speaking of which…” I try to keep myself composed as Chloe's hands start to gently explore my torso, before chuckling and reluctantly brushing her hands away.

“Later, I promise,” I say, before taking a deep breath and slowly peeling back the bedsheets and padding toward the small hotel room’s en-suite and stepping into the shower.

As I shower, I let out a heavy sigh as the water cascades over my body... And between the two unwelcome growths on my chest. As the water trickles between my legs, it only serves to drive home the fact that my body is still very much not my own. Naked, I still have a girl's body. A girl's body with vastly increased muscle definition and with hair on all of my limbs and on my chest, but a girl's body nonetheless, with all the expected 'parts', with hips wider than my waist and with a neck distinctly lacking in an Adam's apple. My body is very different than it was two years ago, of course- but compared to where I want to be, I'm still very much on square one. Despite my muscles, it's a miracle Chloe finds me attractive at all. As I dry myself off, I keep my back turned to the bathroom mirror so as not to depress myself further- a habit that's formed over the course of several months.

However, once I’ve pulled on my jockey shorts and my ‘special’ vest, the one that flattens my chest, I feel energised and ready to take on the world. Which is appropriate, considering what I’ll be spending most of today doing!

“Hope you saved me some hot water!” Chloe teases, giving me a kiss en route to the bathroom, only to turn around and sit me down on our bed.

“Umm… We’re kinda in a hurry,” I say to the seventeen year old girl, who dismisses my concerns with a wave as she runs her fingers through my hair, undoing my careful combing to make it look a lot messier (and, much to my chagrin, a lot more fashionable).

“…There,” Chloe says, standing back with a proud look on her face. “MUCH better, hehe!”

“If you say so,” I say, staring at my altered reflection in the mirror.

“A bit of stubble would’ve been better as well,” Chloe says, gently stroking my frustratingly smooth cheek. “But I think you can be forgiven there.”

“Yeah, I definitely agree with you about that,” I chuckle, before pulling on my jeans and my specially-commissioned hoodie- which causes Chloe to fuss with my hair again as it gets flattened being pulled through the neck hole.

“You want to look your best for the cameras!” Chloe chastises me. "And don't you dare put that cap on!"

“Well- okay,” I sigh as I feel my tension levels start to rise again, only for them to dissipate again as Chloe gives me a playful kiss and disappears into our en-suite.

A short while later, after Chloe showers and pulls on her own custom hoodie (albeit over a short skirt and a pair of black tights), the two of us head down to the hotel’s reception area hand in hand, where the rest of our travelling companions are waiting for us- well, all but one of them, anyway!

“Took you long enough!” Lee overdramatically sighs, staring at his watch.

“Oh please,” Lee’s father snorts. “Like you wouldn’t have been in bed until dinnertime if your lady friend had been here today.”

“Where is Jacinta this week, anyway?” Chloe asks. “Feel a bit self-conscious, being the only girl here.”

“D’aww,” I playfully coo as I wrap my arm around my girlfriend’s waist and whisper in her ear. “And thanks for the ‘only girl’ comment’.”

“You’re welcome, stud!” Chloe whispers back as she slips her hand into my back pocket and gives me a firm squeeze.

“Couldn’t make it today,” Lee shrugs. “I know she was busy all last week as she had friends coming over from America, and she’s busy with uni work this week… And she’d probably be kinda jealous of the other woman in my life. Who’s waiting in the back of the van."

"Sort-of stretching the definition of 'open relationship' there mate," Neil teases, earning a snort of laughter from the black-haired boy.

“And I think we’re all a little jealous of her,” Chloe says. “Not because she’s going out with you, Lee, but because she’s going to be the one all the cameras are focussed on!” I chuckle nervously as we head out to where Lee’s father’s van is parked. I will admit to a twinge of excitement as the door is flung open and there, sat among a vast pile of spare parts, is Chwilen, the robot that Lee has slaved over for the past few months and that will soon be getting its fifteen minutes of fame… As will I, as the robot’s driver. And that’s what scares me more than anything.

Logically, I know I shouldn’t be anxious about appearing on the show. We’ll be one of at least thirty different teams, each with at least three members, so I’ll be one of over a hundred contestants over the course of the series. And, as Lee said, it’s the robot that people will remember, not the people who built it. The show is a celebration of engineering and creativity, not personality or celebrity. And yet, the thought of having a camera pointed at me still chills me to the bone.

I know exactly why this is, of course, and exactly who’s to blame. It’s something I’ve talked about lots with Dr Harris, and she has repeatedly assured me that if I do seek these sorts of opportunities by myself, they’ll be my own achievements and nothing to do with my mother, but that’s the point- I don’t want to seek these achievements. I want to live a quiet life, I want to be an ordinary boy and I don’t want to have to give even the slightest thought to my public image. And yet, it’s not just my mother, but the whole world trying to pull me in that direction. Ever since I got my tattoo on New Year’s Day, I’ve been seen as more and more a part of ‘the gang’- not helped by Lee’s increasingly steady (albeit long-distance) relationship with another member of ‘the fellowship’. After I got the tattoo, Jamie shared a photo of it (and me) on her Instagram page, sharing my name, face and social media details with over two million people- several thousand of whom immediately started following me and commenting on my photos. Every comment I got about my appearance- even on photos where I’m sat playing videogames or tabletop games- caused me more and more panic until, on January 6th, I deleted my Instagram account completely.

It’s not even like they were negative comments. Most of them were from young women commenting on how attractive and convincingly male I was. Aside from the odd one or two idiots, there weren’t any transphobic comments at all- unsurprising, as they all came from Jamie’s referral- but each one made me feel just as I did when I was fifteen and being scolded by my mother for having a stray hair out of place, or not trying hard enough at ballet or cheerleading…

The more I isolate myself from the celebrity culture I seem to have stumbled into, the happier I am- even though it means spending less time in London with Jamie, Stuart and their friends. I’ve been back to London three times since the New Year, all for friends’ birthday parties (and I would've been another time for Stuart's birthday as well, if it didn't clash with Neil's), and each time, I did my best to keep a low profile. I also did my best to have fun, of course- I love hanging out with Jamie, Stuart et al as much as I love hanging out with my friends in Cardiff, especially as the latter group has been made increasingly welcome into the former, but there are still things I’m not comfortable with doing and responsibilities I’m not willing to have. And no matter how hard I try, the world keeps conspiring to force me into these situations.

But the worst thing of all? There’s a part of me, deep down, that actually loves and craves all of this attention and wants more…

“Soon, my darling,” Lee says, gently caressing Chwilen’s carefully-decorated armour and snapping me out of my reverie.

“You do know that she’s going to get pummelled the second she goes into the arena, right?” Neil asks. “No offence, Ian, but your graphics are going to be destroyed in seconds in there.”

“I printed more,” I shrug as I look at the decals that have been carefully applied to the robot’s side- decals displaying the robot’s name and that have a pattern closely resembling a beetle’s armour (‘Chwilen’ of course being Welsh for ‘beetle’).

“No matter the damage, we can repair her,” Lee says. “We knew what we were getting into when we signed up for this.”

“Hence the number of spare parts,” Lee’s dad interjects. “It’ll end up being like Trigger’s broom by the end of it, heh.”

“But its spirit will still be the same,” Lee says, giving the robot a gentle pat before closing the van doors.

“Aww, true love,” Chloe teases, giggling as Lee rolls his eyes.

“I’ve put a lot of work into this,” Lee says defensively.

“WE have,” Lee’s father corrects his son. “But it’s worth it. Nothing good ever came easy.”

“Yeah, I can testify to that,” I chuckle, earning a friendly pat on my back from Rob.

“Well, today, we’re all gonna get our hard-earned reward,” Lee says, climbing into his father’s van alongside the older man while the rest of us pile into our waiting taxi.

A few minutes later, we arrive outside a large, innocuous-looking warehouse, one of many in this area of Glasgow, but which is very different than the others once we get inside! After being greeted by the show’s production team and having our photos taken with Chwilen, we’re escorted to our area in the warehouse’s vast pit area, where Lee and his dad immediately set to work tinkering with and testing the robot.

While the two men engross themselves in their work, Chloe, Neil, Rob and I take the opportunity to have a look around the vast studio, checking out the other teams as they prepare their creations, each one treated as lovingly as Chwilen is, before heading to the arena itself to watch it being prepared for today’s battles.

“It’s so weird, actually being here,” Neil muses. “Seeing it for real…”

“I know,” Chloe says. “Definitely one for the bucket list. Hopefully I’ll tick another one off by the end of the year, somewhere I’ve seen on TV where at least two of you have been…?”

“…The Doctor Who set?” Rob asks.

“Charlotte Hutchinson’s house?” Chloe replies to nods of understanding from the four of us.

“Ah, yeah,” I say. “It’s smaller than it looks on TV, kinda like this place, really.”

“This place looks bigger than the whole of Cardiff on TV,” Neil chuckles. “And for the record, I thought you meant the Crystal Maze, not the Angels’ house. Which my sister is also desperate to go to and has tried to persuade me to persuade you guys to take her at least once.”

“I’m pushing it enough just taking Lee along,” I retort, earning chuckles from the other lads.

“And those dibs have long since been claimed!” Chloe giggles as she gives me a tight hug. “…And yes, I’m still up for being on your Crystal Maze team as well, hehe! Think I have to be eighteen for that as well, though…”

“Only eleven months to wait,” I say, returning my girlfriend’s hug. “But you’re here, and that’s something, right?”

“Yep!” Chloe replies with a giggle as we start to head back to the pit area, only to be intercepted by a member of the production company, who was clearly on the lookout for us- and, more alarmingly, specifically us and not Lee or the robot.

“Hi,” the researcher says hesitantly. “You’re team… Chwilen, right?”

“Yep, part of it,” Rob replies.

“Which one of you is Ian?” The researcher asks, and I can immediately feel my whole body tense up.

“M- me,” I reply, nervously raising a hand.

“We’d like to have a chat with you separately, if you wouldn’t mind?” The researcher asks in his soft Scottish accent.

“Umm, okay,” I say.

“We’ll see you back at the pit area, babe,” Chloe says, giving me a playful kiss as I head off with the young man to a secluded area of the studio.

“I think I know what this is gonna be about,” I say with a heavy sigh.

“Yeah,” the researcher says hesitantly. “I will admit, we don’t get many transgendered competitors on the show, so this is something we do want to celebrate, to show the inclusive nature of the show.”

“Ah, yeah,” I grimace. “That- that’s something I’d kinda prefer it if you didn’t do, if that’s okay.”

“Oh- oh, umm, okay,” the researcher says, clearly surprised by my reluctance. “I just assumed- never mind, if you don’t want to, that’s your decision, I suppose.”

“What- what did you assume?” I ask, curious as why the producers assumed I wouldn’t mind being made an example of.

“Well, because we’ve seen you on the social media pages of people like Jamie-Lee Burke,” the researcher replies, making my heart sink. “I think you’ve got the same tattoo that they all have, don’t you?”

“…Yep,” I sigh, rolling up my sleeve to show the artwork on my arm.

“And, well, because they’ve done so much to raise transgender awareness…” The researcher mumbles as my stress starts to fade to be replaced by a familiar but very unwelcome feeling- a feeling of guilt. Only this time, instead of being made to feel guilty by my mother for ‘not trying hard enough’, my guilt’s coming from within as I remember what Stuart said to me in December, when I stayed at his house- that someday, a young transgendered boy may seek my advice and support that way I sought his, and while he didn’t say it at the time, he certainly implied that I’d be duty-bound to offer this help when asked for. With great masculinity comes great responsibility…

“Well… I suppose I could answer SOME questions,” I shrug. “As long as they’re not, you know, too personal…” I feel my tension quickly return and go far beyond where it was before as I sit down opposite the researcher, who smiles and opens an app on his iPad.

“Okay, we can ask a few questions that hopefully won’t be too ‘intimate’,” the researcher says. “I’m Stuart, by the way, Stuart McLaren.” Yeah, of course that’s what your name would be, I think to myself.

“Ian Freeman,” I say, shaking the young man’s hand.

“My first question would’ve been about your early life and the start of your transition, but if you don’t want to talk about that, I understand,” Stuart says.

“Thanks,” I whisper in reply.

“How did you come to meet the rest of your team?” Stuart asks.

“We go to the same college,” I reply. “I think they all knew each other from school, I moved to Cardiff from London after finishing secondary school, we got to know each other, that’s basically it. Me and Neil- another member of the team- got talking as we’re both Arsenal fans and I was wearing an Arsenal hat, that’s how it got started.”

“They’re doing well in Europe this year,” Stuart nods as he notes my response. “Did- was there, umm, any, you know, friction when they found out- I mean, when you met them, were you presenting as-“

“Nope, no friction,” I interrupt. “I explained I was transgendered, they accepted it, end of story.”

“O-kay,” Stuart says, scrolling down his iPad for his next question. “How involved have you been in the design of the robot?”

“Not a great deal,” I reply. “Lee’s the electronics man and his dad’s the mechanical engineer so it’s their creation, I just designed some graphics for the side- I study graphic design at college- and I’m the main driver as well.”

“So the lack of qualifications is the only reason you didn’t contribute more to the building of the robot?” Stuart asks, making me roll my eyes.

“What, you can only make something mechanical if you have a Y chromosome?” I ask.

“…Okay then…” Stuart mumbles. “Have you been a fan of the show for long?”

“I’ve only really seen the newer series, the ones made in the last few years,” I reply. “Though to answer your inevitable next question, yes, I’d have watched the other ones if they’d been on when I was young.”

“I- I think we’ve got enough,” Stuart says with a heavy sigh. “Thanks for your time.”

“Thanks,” I say, shaking Stuart’s hand and heading back to the pit area, where the rest of the team are busy tinkering with our robot.

“Nice of you to join us,” Lee says as he tests parts of Chwilen with an unusual-looking device.

“Everything okay with her?” I ask.

“Should be fine,” Lee replies. “Just checking the current is consistent, the electronics kinda need to be robust if we’re going to be rolling them over a fire pit, heh.”

“Can imagine,” I chuckle.

“What did the researcher want to talk about?” Chloe asks as she watches Lee work.

“Oh- umm, nothing really,” I half-lie. “Just a few questions about ‘you know what’.”

“Huh,” Chloe replies. “Suppose it makes sense, don’t get many transgendered roboteers, right?”

“Don’t get many GIRL roboteers,” Lee responds. “Umm, either, don’t get many girl roboteers either.”

“Smooth, man, smooth,” I say with an angry growl.

“Oh- mate,” Lee sighs, stopping me as I prepare to walk away. “I didn’t mean it like that, I’m sorry, I could’ve worded it a bit better.”

“Why are you so wound up about this?” Rob asks. “You’ve been transitioning for almost two years.”

“But I still am, that’s the point,” I spit. “This team isn’t ‘five guys and a girl’, it’s ‘four guys, a girl and a transgendered, and let’s all point and laugh at the last one’.”

“Mate, no one is pointing and laughing at you,” Rob sighs. “They probably want to make you, you know, an example like in a positive kind of way.”

“And if I don’t want to be an ‘example’?” I ask. “And don’t say ‘you shouldn’t have changed your gender’ as you know damned well that’s not an option.”

“If you don’t want to be an ‘example’ you don’t have to be,” Chloe says with a firm, almost angry voice. “And at least you slot in. The researcher actually had to ask which one of us you were. Doubt he’d have needed to ask which one of us was Chloe.”

“Well- okay,” I say, my anger and frustration quickly dissipating.

“You should be proud that you get to be a role model like this,” Chloe says bluntly. “I know I would be.”

“Sorry,” I mumble, suddenly feeling about an inch tall as I return to the workbench with the rest of the team, where I remain silent for the next several minutes until a researcher- a different one from before- approaches our area with a familiar flame-haired woman in tow.

“Hi guys,” the researcher says. “I think you all recognise Angela, heh!”

“Yep, nice to meet you!” Lee says, shaking the famous TV presenter’s hand as a camera crew zooms in on our workbench. “I’m Lee, this is my dad Alun, these are Neil, Rob, Ian and Chloe, and this is the real star of the show!”

“He looks like a real killer!” Angela chuckles in her soft Irish accent as she examines the robot.

"Yep," Lee says proudly. "The blade is 22 kilos of solid steel, it spins at 500 rpm and it can get up to speed very quickly. I sacrificed some top speed in favour of a quicker spin-up so by the time any robot gets close to us, it'll already be lethal."

“How long have you been working on him?” Angela continues her interrogation.

“Over a year,” Lee replies. “I grew up watching repeats of the show, I thought ‘I’m good at electronics, my dad work with metal all day, why not have a go?’. And here I am.”

“You’ve got your whole posse with you today, too!” Angela chuckles.

“Yep,” Lee says with a grin. “Everyone’s played a part in this team, no matter how small.”

“Who designed these murals on the side?” Angela asks, making me cringe as I know what’s coming next.

“That’d be our driver, Ian,” Lee says, giving me a playful pat on my shoulder.

“H- hi,” I say with a nervous wave.

“Well it’s definitely one of the fiercest looking robots in the competition this year,” Angela says. “It’s also good to see you’re one of the few teams this year who doesn’t just have a girl, but a redhead on your team too!” I smirk as Chloe giggles nervously at the sudden attention being paid to her.

“We’re not trying to suck up, honestly,” Lee chuckles.

“Sure, if you say so,” Angela playfully replies. “See you in the arena, okay?”

“Sure,” Lee says with a nervous wave, before breathing a sigh of relief as the camera crew move away. “Okay, that couldn’t have been more awkward, then.”

“And notice who they immediately homed in on?” Chloe asks, casting a glance in my direction and making my guilt levels rise again.

“Well, that’s done for now,” Lee says. “Next interview won’t be until after we smash everyone else in our first fight, heh!”

“Damn right!” Neil chuckles. “Who’s going up to the booth for the first fight?”

“Won’t be much space up there so first fight it’ll just be me and Ian,” Lee replies. “I’ll make sure you all get a turn up there, though!”

“Confident, then?” Rob asks.

“You heard the woman,” Lee shrugs. “It’s one of the fiercest looking robots in the competition! What could go wrong?” How about the driver making a mistake? I think to myself as yet another researcher arrives to escort us toward the arena.

After yet more posing for the cameras with Chwilen, Lee and I are escorted to the booth to get ready for our first fight. On our way up the stairs, Lee tries to give me some last minute coaching, reminds me of some strategies we’d developed during our hours of practice, but I barely hear a word he’s saying as the pressure of the situation threatens to overwhelm me. Lee’s depending on my driving skill to win this battle, Neil and Rob are counting on me to win so that they get their chance to be on-screen, and Chloe… God knows what’s going through her mind right now. I of all people should be able to understand the female brain, but the way she’s been around me today has me baffled. Hopefully it’s just a case of her feeling the stress of being here too, just like I am.

“…You get all that?” Lee asks.

“Yeah, sure,” I half-lie. “Sure you don’t want to drive?”

“Yeah, but I want to win more,” Lee replies with a chuckle. “You’ve had the most practice, you are our best driver. Just follow the plan and we’ll be fine.”

“Okay then,” I sigh as the arena announcer goes through the familiar introductions for the three robots in the arena. My heart rate increases with every word said until the most familiar phrase of all comes through the speakers.

“Three, two, one,” the announcer says. “Activate!” As I’ve rehearsed countless times, I hit the button on my remote control to start Chwilen’s weapon spinning and immediately aim her at the smaller and (in Lee’s opinion) weaker of our two opponents, ready to smash it to bits…

Fifteen minutes later, Lee and I return to the pit area, wheeling Chwilen on a trolley. The robot sustained a good few hits in the fight- her formerly pristine armour is scuffed and scratched, a few of the joins have split and her weapon has a few chips on it- but she’s very much in one piece, and Lee is beaming with pride as we’re greeted with a round of applause from the rest of our team.

“Smashed it, mate, smashed it!” Neil laughs, giving us both a pat on the back.

“So cool!” Chloe squeaks, making me grin as she gives me a tight hug and a kiss on my cheek. “You looked SO good out there!”

“Who, me, or Chwilen?” I ask, smirking as Chloe replies with another hug. “Yeah, the fight went well.”

“Still a bit of work to do to get her ready for her next fight, though,” Lee’s father says as he removes Chwilen’s top armour and disconnects her batteries. “This will probably take a while so if you four want to go and get some lunch, you go right ahead, our next fight won’t be for at least two hours.”

“And brings us back some chips too!” Lee shouts after us as we disappear out of the studio and head down the road toward a nearby café.

“The fight looked really good, mate,” Rob reassures me, giving me a friendly pat on my shoulder. “Chwilen’s gonna be a real contender this year.”

“Think Lee deserves most of the credit there,” I chuckle.

“Doesn’t mean you don’t deserve any!” Chloe insists. “Especially with how stressed out you were before the fight.”

“Yeah, you looked REALLY nervous, mate,” Rob says. “Didn’t really need to be, though, you’ve practised enough.”

“Feeling a little better now?” Chloe asks as she grabs my arm and gives it a cuddle.

“…A bit,” I reply.

“Good,” Chloe giggles, giving me a kiss as Rob and Neil roll their eyes at our public display of affection. “Was it Dara who did the interview after the fight? What’s he like? He always comes across as cool on-screen…”

“Yeah, he was okay,” I shrug. “Surprising it’s filmed in Scotland and they have two Irish hosts, though.”

“Dara’s the king of the nerds,” Rob explains with a grin. “Can’t wait to meet him, heh. Still reckon it’d have been cooler if it had been Craig Charles hosting.”

“Now HE is a legend,” Chloe giggles, before giving me yet another kiss (not that I’m complaining, of course). “Thank you SO much for bringing me today.”

“I wouldn’t want to be here with anyone else,” I reply, returning Chloe’s kiss despite the jeers of my friends.

“…Definitely less stressed out, then,” Neil snorts as we enter the café where we eat lunch. And in truth, I am less stressed out than I was this morning, but a part of me still feels uneasy. Not about letting the side down- Lee’s assured me that my driving skill is more than good enough, and not about being made the centre of attention, as Lee and Chloe seem to be happily sharing that ‘responsibility’. But there’s something not quite right, like my friends- and especially my girlfriend- are different somehow. Maybe they’re just feeling nervous about being on TV as well, I don’t know. All I know is that I’ll be happier once I’m back in Cardiff and back to my usual routine.

After lunch, we return to the studio (bringing Lee his promised bag of chips) where we help with the final stage of repairs to Chwilen, which largely consist of hammering out dents and repairing the graphics on the side. Not long afterward, we’re called back into the arena for our first one-on-one battle of the day, and I’m once again making the long walk up the stairs, this time accompanied by Lee and Neil, both of whom are offering advice about the upcoming fight.

Fifteen minutes later, the three of us are making the long walk back toward the pits after another victorious fight. Chwilen sustained yet more knocks on the fight, but Lee assures me that it’s nothing serious, and that she’ll be more than ready not just for her next fight, but the one after that too- because by winning our first two fights, we’ve qualified for the heat final, and even if we lose that, we’ll appear in the opening battle royal of the series final, which will be recorded this Thursday. Naturally, this leaves me feeling ambivalent- I’m happy to be doing well, but the thought of another day under the eyes of the camera isn’t an appealing one. While Lee and his father ready Chwilen for her next fight, I take the opportunity to step out of the studio for a breath of fresh air. A few minutes later, I feel a pair of familiar hands wrap themselves around my waist, making my mouth curl upwards into a grin.

“Hey babe,” I say.

“Mmm, hey sexy!” Chloe giggles. “They’re doing the post-fight interview inside, thought you might be interested?”

“Ehh… Maybe not this time,” I reply.

“Aww,” Chloe moans, tightening her grip around my waist. “Come on…”

“You can go back in if you want,” I say. “I- I just need a little air, that’s all.”

“…Nah,” Chloe says with a tired-sounding chuckle. “I want the people at home to see me with my sexy boyfriend, hehe!”

“Yeah,” I say with a giggle as I exchange a kiss with my flame-haired girlfriend.

We return to the pit area about fifteen minutes later to find the rest of our team hard at work, though this doesn’t stop our team captain from looking at us with a smug grin as we approach his workbench.

“You just missed the pit interview,” Lee says. “Decided you’ve had enough fame for one day, then?”

“Well- yes,” I reply bluntly, making the black haired boy laugh.

“Fair enough,” Lee shrugs. “We’ll have an interview before and after the final anyway, so no biggie. Chloe, you still want in the booth for this one?”

“Uh- yeah!” Chloe replies with a sarcastic nod.

“Then grab a hammer and start bashing out some of these dents,” Lee says, making my girlfriend roll her eyes.

“In Chwilen or your head?” Chloe retorts.

“Good girl,” Lee’s father laughs. “Now come on everyone, one more fight today, then you can get some rest tonight and tomorrow.” This thought cheers me up as I grab a hammer of my own and start straightening out one of Chwilen’s side panels- which, naturally, relieves some of my frustration as well.

A few hours later, with the energy levels of nearly everyone in the studio dwindling, Lee and I head back to the arena for our final fight of the day, accompanied by probably the only person in the building more excited than they were at the start of the day.

“This is gonna be so cool!” Chloe squeaks excitedly, adjusting her clothes and her hair so that they look their best. “Reckon we’ll win?”

“We’ve got a chance, as long as we stay away from their flipper,” Lee says.

“Duly noted,” I say, taking several deep breaths to compose myself as the three of us pose with Chwilen in the arena for our pre-fight interview- a much more terrifying prospect than the actual fight itself.

Fortunately, Lee does the bulk of the talking again, leaving me to quietly mentally prepare myself for the fight. Throughout the interview, though, I can’t help but notice that Chloe speaks up a lot too- and seems to be confused that I’m not.

Ten minutes later, the three of us descend the stairs from the control booth to the main arena, all of us letting out a heavy sigh at the sight of our robot wedged between two of the walls on the outside of the arena.

“You weren’t kidding about their flipper, then,” I sigh. “It must’ve launched Chwilen like, six feet into the air!”

“Yeah,” Lee sighs as he gives Chwilen a pat.

“I- I’m sorry, mate,” I mumble.

“Nah, you’ve got nothing to be sorry about,” Lee says. “We did much better than I expected, I mean, we ARE the newbies this year, some of these guys have been doing this for decades. Nope, we can hold our heads up high. And there’s always the battle royal, heh!”

“Yeah, I guess,” I say, laughing as I feel a large weight being lifted from my shoulders. If this had been my mum, and it had been a gymnastics competition or an audition, I’d probably now be getting scolded for not trying hard enough, or otherwise being made to feel about three inches tall. Despite myself, I let out a happy, almost girlish giggle as a bunch of crew members arrive and help to fish Chwilen out of the hole it’s been wedged into.

As we return to the pit area, we’re greeted by a round of applause not just from the rest of the team, but by all the other teams as well- we put up more of a fight than expected against such an experienced team, and the applause tells us that what Lee said is true- we do deserve to hold our heads high despite our defeat. Neil and Rob both have smiles on their faces, as does lee’s dad, but oddly, it’s Chloe who seems happiest of all.

“So, that’s that, then?” Neil asks. “I mean, there’s still the battle royal, but we’re gonna be just one of ten in that, aren’t we?”

“Yeah,” Lee says with a shrug. “But someone’s got to win it, you know?”

“Either way, think we’ve all earned the night off,” Lee’s father says. “Dinner’s on me, heh!” The six of us all cheer happily as we wheel Chwilen back out to the van, and after ensuring that it’s safely locked away, we head to a nearby restaurant for dinner.

Naturally, the main topic of discussion at dinner is the day’s events, and equally unsurprisingly, Lee is the centre of attention. However, Chloe seems just as excited now as she was at the start of the day, and just seems to get more and more excited as the meal goes on. By the time we arrive back at our hotel room, I’m just about dead on my feet, but Chloe is still buzzing with energy.

“Today was SO amazing,” Chloe gushes as she strips off her clothes and pulls on one of my baggy t-shirts (even though I’m only 5’ 7”, my t-shirts are still more than large enough to act as nightdresses for her). “Easily the most fun I’ve ever had, hehe! And we get to do it all again on Thursday!”

“The most fun you’ve ever had involves banging things with a hammer and oiling wheel axles?” I retort.

“Well, the ‘banging’ bit was fun,” Chloe giggles as she gives me a playful kiss. “But it’s the first time I’ve been in front of a camera, you know? First time I’ve met someone famous, and I mean REALLY famous. Hannah will be SO jealous as she, like, loves Mock the Week, and Angela Scanlon’s probably Rosie’s biggest style icon, hehe! Though I don’t need to talk about big, fancy celebrity friends to you, do I, ‘Mr. Hangs Out With Angels’?”

“Hardly ‘hangs out with them’,” I shrug.

“That thing kinda disagrees with you!” Chloe giggles, stroking my fellowship tattoo after I remove my hoodie. “This could be even bigger for you than it is for me, you know.”

“Umm… Think it’s kinda bigger for Lee than anyone, it is his robot,” I say.

“Yeah, but he’s an eighteen year old nerdy guy,” Chloe shrugs.

“…So am I,” I remind my girlfriend.

“With a tattoo shared with a VERY exclusive club?” Chloe reminds me.

“Yeah…” I say with a grimace. “Can- can we just get to bed, please?”

“Sounds like a plan to me!” Chloe giggles, giving me a long kiss and leading me to bed, where I lay down with a long, heavy sigh.

“…I’m really tired,” I say in an apologetic voice.

“I’m not,” Chloe purrs.

“I can tell!” I chuckle, before wriggling my right arm free. “Take my hand, knock yourself out.”

“Will do!” Chloe giggles as she turns out the light…

When I wake up the following morning, the first thing I notice is the tired throbbing in my head, even though I only had one alcoholic drink last night. The second thing I notice is the flame-haired girl sprawled out in bed next to me, sleeping so deeply that even my uncoordinated shuffling about to get comfortable isn’t even coming close to waking her.

“Chlo,” I whisper, nudging the slumbering girl. “Hey, Chlo…”

“Mmph,” Chloe grunts as her eyes flutter open. “…Ian?”

“Were you dreaming about me?” I tease.

“Shut up,” Chloe moans as I give her a gentle kiss on her cheek. “…You can do that again though, if you want! What time is it, anyway?”

“It- urgh,” I groan as I look at my phone. “Almost 10am, heh.”

“Meh, no reason to get up today, though!” Chloe teases.

“Now that’s definitely true!” I reply with a giggle. “Is Lee planning on going to the studio today?”

“If he is it’ll only be to do repairs on Chwilen,” I reply. “And she didn’t really need that many after yesterday so I was thinking we might have a look around the city today? You know, you and me?”

“…What, in Glasgow?” Chloe snorts. “Is there even anything to see up here?”

“The Necropolis looks cool, and there are a lot of great places to eat,” I reply. “I did a bit of Googling before we came up here in case we had any free time.”

“Well- okay, I guess,” Chloe shrugs as she slides out of bed and pads toward our en-suite. “Guess I’ll get to hang out with Dara and Angela tomorrow anyway, heh!” …And me, I self-pityingly think to myself as I lay back down in our bed.

A short while later, after both of us have dressed in the smartest, most fashionable clothes we brought on our trip (Chloe expressly forbidding me from wearing my team hoodie), the two of us stroll through the bustling city centre of Scotland’s largest city hand in hand, taking in the sights and sounds- though it’s obvious I’m enjoying things more than Chloe.

“Have you ever been to Scotland before?” I ask my girlfriend, who replies with a disinterested shake of her head.

“Parents took us to watch Wales vs Scotland in the rugby once, that’s the closest I’ve got,” Chloe shrugs. “Hannah went to a Harry Potter convention in Edinburgh once, she said that city was nice.”

“That sounds cool,” I shrug.

“Though if memory serves, aren’t you coming back up here again in a few months?” Chloe asks, her mood instantly perking up.

“Am I?” I ask, before remembering the wedding invitation I received a few weeks ago. “Oh, right, for Jessica and Paige, yeah.”

“Another park of this,” Chloe coos, gently stroking the shirt sleeve that’s covering my tattoo. “And when I say ‘you’re’ coming back up here, I really mean ‘we’re’ coming back, right?”

“’Course, babe,” I reply with a gentle kiss. “Reckon Jacinta might bring Lee to that one too so we might make it a proper road trip up to Scotland. Another one, heh!”

“Do you know how many of the Angels will be going to the wedding?” Chloe asks.

“Umm… Jamie definitely will be,” I reply. “Kelly might, but I’m not sure how close to the others Jess and Paige are. It’ll probably be just their colleagues from the airline going.”

“Huh, okay,” Chloe says, her enthusiasm deflating. “It was cool when they all came to Cardiff for your birthday though, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah, I guess,” I reply.

“Probably won’t be able to persuade Dara and Angela to come to your nineteenth, though?” Chloe asks.

“Might be pushing it a bit,” I reply, making my girlfriend giggle as we roam through the streets and the shops.

After a couple of hours, we make our way to a posh, independent coffee shop near the centre of the city, where we sit at a table that’s been saved for us by Neil and Rob, both of whom have obviously enjoyed their free day exploring Glasgow.

“Good afternoon, lovebirds!” Neil teases as Chloe and I sit down.

“Good afternoon, lovebirds!” I retort, making Neil and Rob roll their eyes simultaneously.

“Hysterical,” Rob snorts. “I ordered a pizza for you, should be here in a bit. You two been enjoying the sights and sounds of the city?”

“Yep,” I reply. “Been having fun. Lee not with you, then?”

“Tinkering with Chwilen,” Neil shrugs. “Think he’s at the studio now but, you know, just in the pits. We’ve just been looking in shops today, didn’t want to get in his way.”

“Reckon he’d mind if we dropped in on him?” Chloe asks.

“Could always text him and ask, I guess,” Rob shrugs. “What, you’d rather spend your day around machine oil than hanging off your boyfriend?”

“There’s just not a lot to see in Glasgow,” Chloe shrugs. “Maybe if I’d come with another girl, I dunno.”

“Aww, thanks,” I say, giving my girlfriend a playful cuddle that makes her giggle. “…Come on, you know I always take that as a compliment, right?”

“You’re coming up to your two year mark in a bit, aren’t you?” Rob asks, grinning as I nod. “Outside your family, do you even still speak to anyone who knew ‘Kayleigh-Ann’?”

“Not really,” I reply. “Well, Abbey-Gayle and her hangers-on, but I hardly ever see them, even when I go to London.”

“Weird to think you were almost an Angel yourself!” Chloe says.

“Don’t remind me,” I snort. “Nah, that’s all part of my past now. You guys are my REAL friends and this is who I REALLY am.”

“Hear hear!” Rob chuckles. “I remember some of the horror stories you told us in the past, sounds like you’re much better off out of that environment.”

“Definitely,” I say. “I know if I was still in London, even if I was living the way I am and not ‘Kayleigh-Ann’, mum would be constantly on my back about the Robot Wars thing, pressuring me into trying to make industry contacts, that sort of thing.”

“Ugh,” Neil spits. “Just sit back and enjoy it, that’s what I’m doing.”

“Yep,” I say with a grin. “A month after it’s broadcast it’ll probably be completely forgotten, heh.”

“Meh, I’ll remember it,” Rob shrugs. “I’ll be lording it over Simon until the end of time, that’s for sure.”

“Rhiannon’s a little bit less bothered about it, heh,” Neil chuckles. “How about you, Chloe?”

“Hmm?” My girlfriend replies, having obviously been lost in thought. “I’m sorry?”

“You’ve got three brothers and sisters, haven’t you?” Neil asks. “Any of them jealous at your brush with fame?”

“A little,” Chloe shrugs, confusing me as it’s not what she told me earlier about her sisters. “They’d probably be more jealous if I went to an Angel party though, heh! Well, Rosie would, anyway.”

“We’ll get there soon, I promise,” I say softly.

“You could get there whenever you want,” Chloe snorts, making me frown.

“…What’s that supposed to mean?” I reply.

“Oh- umm, nothing,” Chloe mumbles, returning her attention to our pizza.

“No- no you meant something by it,” I say, my frustration levels rising. Chloe’s been ‘off’ all the time we’ve been in Scotland and today has been even worse. It’s almost like she’s disappointed with the way the trip has gone and is expecting me to make up for it- and I really, really hope I’m wrong about the way I think she expects me to make up for it…

“Okay, maybe I did mean something by it,” Chloe says, putting her pizza down and staring at me with an angry look in her eyes.

“See you back at the hotel!” Neil says as he and Rob hastily grab their coats and leave the café.

“So, then…?” I ask.

“You have got it so, so lucky,” Chloe says, slowly changing my frustration into anger.

“’Lucky’!?” I scoff, attracting the attention of nearby diners. “How, exactly, could you call my life ‘lucky’!?”

“You can open up your phone right now and chat to any number of famous friends on Facebook,” Chloe replies. “You have girls flinging themselves at you everywhere you go. You have everything anyone could ever want, and you just throw it all away.” I feel my blood pressure start to rise with every word Chloe says. How dare she imply that I, for even one second, have had it easy? How dare she trivialise the hell that was my early life- a hell I have told her about on countless occasions. And how dare she see me as nothing but a passport to these celebrities she’s idolised for so long. All of a sudden, the last six months I’ve spent with Chloe have had a VERY different light cast on them.

“Are you fucking joking?” I snarl. “Am I ‘lucky’ to have parents who have judged me my whole life and hate me just for being who I am? Am I ‘lucky’ to be trapped in a body that makes me want to scream every second of every day? Am I ‘lucky’ to panic every time I go out, worrying that someone will see ‘through’ me? And am I lucky to have a girlfriend who-“ I pause as I realise that what I say next may have some VERY unfortunate consequences.

“…A girlfriend who does what, Ian?” Chloe asks. I take a deep breath to clear my mind before proceeding. If Chloe wants honesty, then she’ll have it.

“A girlfriend who sees me just as a meal ticket,” I say. “To get herself a bunch of celebrity friends.” I grimace as Chloe’s right hand suddenly raises and leaves a sharp, stinging imprint on my cheek. She has a look of pure fury in her eyes and, much to my surprise, a lot of tears as well.

“Is that what you really think?” Chloe asks.

“…I didn’t before we came here,” I mumble in reply, my face still smarting from Chloe’s slap.

“I went out with you because I really, really liked you,” Chloe says, her voice trembling with emotion. “At least- I used to, anyway.”

“Ch- Chloe…” I whisper, tears forming in my eyes as I realise that I may have just destroyed what was easily the best relationship I’ve ever had.

“I’m going back to the hotel,” Chloe emotionally announces. “Find somewhere else to sleep tonight, you selfish bastard.” With what little dignity I have left, I finish my drink, grab my coat and walk out of the café, my cheeks burning as the eyes of every other diner follow me out the door.

Once outside, I let out a long, quiet moan of pain and frustration before making the long walk back to our hotel. I like Chloe, I really do- she’s cute, she’s funny, she’s friendly, she’s extremely good looking and, most importantly, she has zero hang-ups about dating and being ‘physical’ with a transgendered guy. It would have been easy to just swallow my pride and go along with what Chloe wanted, introducing her to my friends in London, being the public figure she clearly wants me to be… Except for the fact that that was exactly what my mother wanted her whole life, and the more I examine the situation, the more I realise that there are far more similarities between Chloe and my mother than I’d care to admit.

For all Chloe’s protests, she’s been on me all week to try to interact more with the famous hosts of the show. She’s constantly fiddled with my appearance and told me what I can and can’t wear- all things I put up with for the first sixteen years of my life and thought I’d escaped. Obviously I was wrong to think that I’d ever be able to escape this stress. I can only see one way to get away from the anxiety I feel right now- and as it’s the same way I escaped the anxiety I felt when I lived in London, it’s going to let a lot of people down…

“…Hello?” Lee asks as he answers his phone after the fourth ring. “Ian? What’s up, mate?”

“Ugh, every-fucking-thing,” I sigh. “Just had a HUGE fight with Chloe.”

“Oh, mate,” Lee says sympathetically. “What happened?”

“Noticed how Chloe’s been trying to insert her nose into the arse of every celebrity she’s seen?” I ask with a snort.

“Can’t honestly say that I have,” Lee replies, making me frown. “Then again I have kinda had my own hands full the last few days. But if that’s it, that’s not much to have a fight over, is it?”

“It is when I’ve spent the first sixteen years of my life constantly having to endure the same thing,” I reply. “Trust me, I know it when I see it.”

“Or maybe you just see it everywhere you look,” Lee retorts, making me pause. “Look, mate, I’m hardly the world’s biggest relationship expert, but even I know not to throw away a good thing.”

“What if you thought it was a good thing, but it turned out to be toxic all along?” I ask.

“I repeat,” Lee sighs, “not the world’s biggest relationship expert’. You still going to be up for tomorrow?”

“I- I dunno,” I sigh. “I’m sorry, but I- I just want to go back to Cardiff, want to forget the whole thing…”

“If you’re gonna be this distracted you’d probably be a liability anyway,” Lee says. “No offence, mate.”

“None taken, I think,” I say.

“Just wish it wasn’t our back-up driver who you’d fallen out with,” Lee sighs. “If she’s as hung up as you are…”

“Yeah, well, we’ll find out if she shows up tomorrow, won’t we?” I snort. “Sorry again for leaving you in the lurch like this, mate.”

“Hey, if your mind’s not on it, don’t worry,” Lee says. “I know you weren’t comfortable with the idea of being on TV anyway so I’m really grateful that you were able to do as much as you did.” I blink as Lee thanks me for my effort as it’s probably the first time I’ve ever actually received praise for trying from anyone- and coming from Wales’s most sarcastic man, it means almost ten times as much as it would from anyone else. Well, apart from two people, anyway…

“Cheers mate,” I say. “See you back in Cardiff. And good luck.”

“Thanks,” Lee says as I end the call with a heavy sigh.

A short while later, I arrive at the hotel where I’ve been staying for the last two nights and get in the lift to head up to my room, only to be intercepted halfway down the corridor by Neil and Rob- the latter of whom is, alarmingly, carrying my suitcase.

“Hi mate,” Rob says, handing the heavy case over to me.

“Hey,” I say. “Chloe packed my bag for me, then?” The awkward look on my friends’ faces tells me there’s more to the story than just that.

“Not so much ‘packed’ as ‘hurled out into the corridor’,” Rob sighs. “You might want to check everything’s there. She was really, REALLY pissed off.”

“Put it this way,” Neil continues, “we were only able to save your stuff because we actually heard it hitting the floor outside and were able to persuade Chloe to just give it to us instead.”

“I- I should, umm,” I mumble.

“If the rest of that sentence is ‘talk to her’, I really wouldn’t,” Rob sighs. “She looked really, really upset, and I’m pretty sure she started crying after she finished clearing out your stuff.”

“Let me guess,” I sigh as bad memories come flooding back to me, “holding her hand up to her forehead and looking like she was about to faint?”

“Well- umm, no,” Neil says. “She just looked, you know, upset, that kind of thing.” An awkward silence fills the corridor as my friends try to figure out how to respond to my (from their perspective) unusual question.

“She did, umm, kinda do one other thing…” Rob grimaces as Neil holds up an object that makes my heart sink- my trusty Arsenal cap, or rather, what’s left of it after it’s been assaulted by some kind of sharp instrument like a razor blade.

“…Fuck her,” I spit as I take the cap and my bag and walk away.

“Dude, it’s just a hat,” Neil says.

“It’s not just the hat,” I sigh. “It- ugh. I- just say hi to Lee for me when you see, him please? I’ll see you guys when you get home.”

“Ian, mate,” Neil pleads.

“Thanks for packing my bag for me,” I say with a wave as I walk out of the hotel without looking back and head straight for the main railway station in Glasgow.

A short while (and, annoyingly, just over £50) later, I’m on a train heading southward, and at just after midnight, I’m stepping onto the platform of Cardiff Central station, breathing a sigh of relief at finally being home, but simultaneously feeling disappointed in myself at letting my friends down- and feeling like my heart has been torn in two after my fight with Chloe.

When I get home, grandma is unsurprisingly already in bed, but has left the door unlocked (I called her from the train to let her know what was going on), so I head up to my room and climb straight into bed, letting out a long, frustrated moan, followed by- much to my surprise- a few tears. Over the last two night, I’d grown used to having someone else in bed with me, especially someone as cute, funny and amazing as Chloe. It could be a long while before I have anyone in bed with me again, and even longer before I find anyone I like as much as her…

The following morning, I’m woken by a gentle knock on my bedroom door, followed by the very welcome smell of a rich cup of coffee.

“Ian?” Grandma asks. “Are you awake yet?”

“Mmph,” I grunt in response. “Yeah, yeah, I’m awake. Thanks for the coffee.”

“I thought you might need it after your long trip,” grandma says softly. “How are you feeling?”

“Terrible,” I moan. “Both because of Chloe and ‘cause I feel like I’ve let the guys down…”

“They know you’ve not had an easy life,” grandma says reassuringly. “That you need your space when you’re depressed like this.”

“Yeah, pity no one ever told Chloe,” I snort. “She actually said that I’ve had a lucky life and should be more grateful for all the things I have- especially the things I never asked for.”

“She wouldn’t be saying that if she saw the marks on your arms that I have,” grandma says coldly. “Though I suppose I can see why she might think the way she does.”

“Thanks, I think,” I sigh.

“Just playing devil’s advocate,” grandma says. “I’m not saying she was right to say what she did because she obviously wasn’t, and the reason she wasn’t was because she doesn’t know you as well as she thinks she does.”

“Yep, that pretty much sums her up,” I sigh. “Only interested in what this tattoo on my arm represents and wants to ride my ‘fame’ herself. Remind you of anyone?” I flinch as grandma’s face adopts a very stern expression- she very clearly does know who I’m referring to.

“It’s no wonder you reacted as badly as you did,” grandma says quietly. “I still say that you should talk to Chloe when she returns from Scotland. Explain the situation to her calmly rather than shouting at her.”

“If it’ll sink in,” I sigh. “Which is a big ‘if’.”

“You won’t know until you try,” grandma advises. “Do you have anything you want to do today?”

“Stay in bed all day feeling sorry for myself,” I mumble.

“Well obviously I won’t approve of THAT,” grandma says. “But after the last few days I think you’ve earned a lazy day. Let me know when you’re up and I’ll get some breakfast ready, then you can spend the whole day on your computer game if you want?”

“Sounds great,” I sigh. “Thanks, grandma.”

“You just focus on getting yourself better,” grandma says. “There are plenty more girls out there, better ones than Chloe.”

“Yeah,” I say, nodding in agreement with the first part of what grandma said, but I’m having a hard time believing that there are any girls out there who are better than Chloe- regardless of how angry she makes me feel right now…

I eventually get up just after 11am, and after showering, unpacking and eating a big, filling breakfast, I sprawl out on the sofa, Xbox controller in hand. I stay on the sofa for most of the afternoon, but my gaming session is interrupted just after 2pm when my phone rings- though a quick glance at the caller ID reveals that it isn’t my (possibly) ex-girlfriend calling.

“Hi Lee,” I say, answering the phone. “What’s up?”

“Hey Ian,” Lee replies. “Just thought you’d want to know how it went in the big battle royal, for the wild card entry in the final.”

“Did you win?” I ask.

“Came third in the battle royal,” Lee says with a sigh. “Flipped out of the arena AGAIN. But we did better than I thought we would, and Chwilen’s mostly undamaged, just a few knocks and gashes in the armour, that’s all.”

“Commiserations,” I say with a shrug. “You on your way home?”

“Just packing up the van then heading back,” Lee says hesitantly. “Ian, she- Chloe drove during the battle royal.”

“Yeah, of course she did,” I sigh. “Is she- is she okay?”

“Honestly?” Lee replies. “I don’t think so. She did seem a bit down, didn’t talk about you at all, just wanted to get on with it… She’s going back in Rob’s car, and I- I’d kinda give her some space if I were you.”

“Will do,” I sigh. “Thanks for letting me know, mate.”

“Are you holding up okay?” Lee asks. “From what Neil and Rob told me it sounded like one hell of a fight.”

“I’ve been better,” I sigh. “Nah, I’ll be alright. Plenty more fish etc.”

“Mate, when I said ‘give her space’ I didn’t mean ‘never talk to her again’,” Lee says. “She’s upset, and she wouldn’t be this upset if she didn’t really like you.”

“This is complicated and frustrating,” I sigh.

“This is a girl we’re talking about, mate,” Lee chuckles. “’Complicated and frustrating’ is about as good a description as I’ve ever heard.”

“Me too, and I’ve got ‘insider knowledge’,” I retort, making Lee laugh loudly. “Being a girl is about a hundred times as complicated and frustrating as dating one, be thankful you don’t ever have to deal with that.”

“Will do,” Lee says. “We’ll be back in Cardiff around 9 or 10 ish, probably won’t get to see you today, but talk tomorrow?”

“Yeah, should be free after church, I’m not at work this weekend until Monday,” I say. “See you at your place?”

“Gonna be busy with repairs,” Lee says. “Now that we’ve got the first time under our belts, I want to get cracking as soon as possible so that she’s even tougher next year!”

“Fair enough,” I shrug. “See you later, Lee.”

“See you later mate,” Lee says as he ends the call and I lay back on the sofa, letting out another long, pained sigh.

The fact that Chloe drove the robot should be proof that she’s only after getting herself on TV, but Lee’s tale of how upset Chloe was during the recording tells a different story. He’s right when he says that she wouldn’t be anywhere near as upset if she didn’t really like me, and I speak from experience here. Before they got with their current boyfriends, Brooke and Georgie would get together with random boys, sometimes for weeks at a time, only to dump them from out of nowhere and then not give them a second thought. And it’s pretty telling that their current boyfriends are both brothers of Angels, as is the fact that Chloe agreed to go out with me before she ever discovered about my connection with those same Angels. Everything I’m being told tells me that she likes me for me- but everything I see with my own eyes says otherwise. But maybe those eyes have been blinded after sixteen years of living with someone like my mother, I don’t know.

I spend the rest of the day in front of my Xbox before heading to bed just after 10pm (I have to be up early for church tomorrow as it’s Good Friday). Unlike last night, I have difficulty sleeping as I try to run the situation around in my mind. Chloe will be back at her place right now, sleeping in her own bed, just as alone as I am. I can’t help but wonder if I’m occupying her thoughts just as much as she’s occupying mine, or if she’s already forgotten me just as Brooke and Georgie would have. Frustratingly, there’s only one way to find out…

I get up at 8am the following morning and head through to the bathroom to get ready, sighing as my eyes are immediately drawn to my razor. In the three days since our first recording, my facial hair has grown, not enough to be considered a beard but more than enough to now qualify as ‘stubble’- the exact same stubble that Chloe wanted me to show off to the cameras. Reluctantly, I smear my face in shaving foam and remove the stubble, leaving me with the same smooth face I had for the first sixteen years of my life. I’m satisfied that the facial hair will grow back, of course- it’s whether or not I want this face to be the one that speaks to Chloe that I’m unsure about…

After dressing in a smart pair of trousers, a button-up shirt and my best lace-up shoes, I follow my equally smartly-dressed grandmother down to her car, and a short while later the two of us are sat in our usual pew at our local church, listening intently as Reverend Stubbs narrates the events of the first Good Friday two thousand years ago while a group of teenagers from a local secondary school put on a play of the events. After the service is over, grandma and I bid farewell to the priest, and as always, he seems to instantly sense that all isn’t well with me.

“So then, Ian,” Reverend Stubbs says with a sigh. “Exam stress or girl trouble?”

“S- sorry?” I ask.

“Oh, wait, it was your big recording day in Scotland on Thursday, wasn’t it?” Reverend Stubbs asks with a chuckle.

“Umm, Tuesday, but yes,” I say with a chuckle. “…And to answer your first question, it’s girl trouble this time. Not that I don’t have stress about my exams, heh. Or stress about being TV, or the one ‘big stress’, heh.”

“You’ve got a lot on your shoulders for someone so young,” Reverend Stubbs says softly. “Though most people your age are in this boat, at least as far as exams go. And probably as far as girls go too.”

“Let me guess: God doesn’t give us any more than we can cope with?” I ask.

“I’ve never been a big fan of that statement,” Reverend Stubbs confesses. “If it was true, suicide wouldn’t be a thing. But I like to think that God doesn’t give us any more than we can cope with once we’ve shared it with others. Real friends will always help you through any problems you have.”

“Yeah,” I say with a sigh. “What about when your girlfriend IS the problem?”

“Then maybe she’s the best person to help you through it?” Reverend Stubbs suggests, making me sigh. “Let me guess- you’d already reached that conclusion yourself, and were hoping I’d suggest something else?”

“…Something like that,” I mumble.

“No such luck, I’m afraid,” Reverend Stubbs says with a chuckle. “Couples fall out from time to time. I’ve had a few arguments with my husband that nearly stripped paint off the wall. But I love him, and he loves me, and that’s what’s most important. If you and Chloe are still good you’ll be able to work it out.”

“And if we’re not still good?” I ask.

“Better you find out now than later on so you don’t waste any more time,” Reverend Stubbs shrugs. “Now go on, enjoy your Easter break. And don’t eat too many Easter eggs!”

“It’s just nice to be allowed to eat them at all,” I chuckle, shuddering at the 'healthy' vegan alternatives I was forced to endure when I was younger. “Thanks for the advice.”

“Our door is always open,” Reverend Stubbs says. “Mine and my boss’s!” I have a genuine smile on my face for the first time in a while as we head out to the car park and get back in grandma’s car, but it soon fades as I realise that I still have to deal with the Chloe problem- and as the vicar has pointed out, there’s only one person who I can talk to to solve it.

“…Can we make a detour on the way home?” I ask grandma, before letting out a long sigh.

A short while later, I’m stood outside Chloe’s front door, my nerves jangling as I ring the doorbell. I force a smile on my face as the door opens and a familiar mane of flame-coloured hair comes into view- however, my smile instantly vanishes when I realise that this particular hair doesn’t belong to Chloe.

“Get lost, pervert!” Hannah screeches, practically throwing the door at me in her eagerness to slam it in my face.

“Wait!” I say firmly, holding the door open. Realising that I’m far stronger than her, Hannah gives up on her effort to slam the door- though this only seems to make her even angrier.

“Get lost or I’ll call the police and have you arrested for trespassing!” Hannah spits.

“I want to talk to Chloe,” I say, trying as hard as I can to keep my emotions in check.

“Fine, then I’ll have you arrested for attempted rape as well,” Hannah sneers.

“Yeah, ‘cause that would’ve worked so well for you on the beach, wouldn’t it?” I retort, smirking as Hannah’s face slowly turns red. “Chloe! It’s Ian! I want to talk!”

“She doesn’t want to talk to you!” Hannah growls. “If you’re not gone in ten seconds I WILL call the police!”

“Okay, fine!” I sigh. “I’m gone. Chloe! You know where to find me!” I sigh as Hannah finally gets her way and the front door is slammed in my face, though as I head back to the car, I can’t help but notice the curtains of one of the upstairs rooms fluttering- and I happen to know for a fact that the room in question is Chloe’s bedroom…

“Didn’t go well, then?” Grandma asks as I climb back into her car.

“Hard to see how it could’ve gone worse,” I moan. “It wasn’t Chloe herself I spoke to, it was her older sister.”

“Oh,” grandma says. “Was she the one who you met on the beach that one time?”

“That’s her,” I sigh. “Just as obnoxious as ever. Didn’t even see Chloe though I reckon she knows I was there.”

“What do you want to do now?” Grandma asks.

“I dunno,” I sigh. “Talking to Chloe isn’t an option, obviously. I- I may as well go round and see if Lee wants a hand fixing up the robot.”

“Not in your best clothes, you won’t!” Grandma scolds. “I’ll take you home first to change.”

“Thanks,” I sigh as we head back home.

About half an hour later- after changing into a pair of scruffy jeans and a sweatshirt- I watch intently as Lee carefully dismantles Chwilen’s outer shell, revealing the level of damage she sustained during her stay in Scotland. The armour has been battered, with gashes and bumps all over it, but the internal elements, the electronic parts of Chwilen, are virtually undamaged. Chwilen came back from Scotland with a lot of external bruises but is absolutely fine on the inside- the exact opposite of how I came back.

“We are going to need to drink a LOT of Coke this summer,” Lee sighs as he holds up a piece of the shell that even I can tell is damaged beyond repair.

“Yep,” I say with a chuckle. “Gonna change the design for next year?”

“Probably not,” Lee replies. “It’s a good design, we just need more, you know, ‘live experience’. We’ll get it next year.”

“I’m happy to keep practising, being the driver if you want,” I shrug. “Now I know what to expect, now they know what NOT to expect from me, that sort of thing.”

“Thanks mate,” Lee says, before letting out a sigh. “Reckon I’ll need to find a new back-up driver, though.”

“Yeah,” I sigh. “Still not talked to her yet. Tried to and got a face full of Hannah instead.”

“Urgh,” Lee spits. “I mean, ordinarily, a face full of a cute petite ginger girl wouldn’t be something I’d say no to, but when it’s her… Yeah.”

“You prefer faces full of nearly six foot tall transgendered girls, then?” I tease.

“If anyone’s getting the ‘face full’, it’s Jacinta, and I’ll leave it at that,” Lee replies. “Speaking of, I’m heading down to London tomorrow, just FYI. Gonna have a look around the uni I’ve been accepted to.”

“Cool,” I say.

“And, yes, have a look around Jacinta as well,” Lee says with a smug grin.

“Obviously,” I retort.

“Ah- sorry if I’m rubbing it in,” Lee says. “Innuendo not intended this time.”

“Thanks mate,” I sigh. “I dunno. I’m off work tomorrow so I’ll head down to Chloe’s again, see if I can talk to someone other than the wicked not-step-sister.”

“…Looks like you might get your chance earlier than you think,” Lee says, gazing over my shoulder to the corner of his garden, where a familiar petite redhead is stood with a nervous look on her face.

“Ch- Chloe?” I ask, smirking as my girlfriend nervously waves at me.

“Hi…” Chloe says in a voice barely louder than a whisper. “Your- your grandma said you’d be here… Do- do you have time to, you know, talk?”

“Sure, of course!” I say.

“Into the shed I go,” Lee says, wheeling his robot out of sight and allowing me and Chloe to talk privately.

“I- umm…” I mumble. “I- I’m sorry…”

“So am I,” Chloe mumbles. “You- your grandmother explained why you were so stressed out, the whole thing with your mother… It’s, like, your biggest ‘button’ and I just stomped on it.”

“No, I shouldn’t have snapped at you like I did,” I sigh. “Especially not you, of all people. You were excited and I ruined it all with my mood.”

“Don’t apologise for being depressed!” Chloe says, reaching forward and tentatively linking her fingers with mine. “I see now it wasn’t your fault, not really. I overreacted to your overreaction. Think we can both share the blame for this fight.”

“…Yeah,” I sigh. “And it was, you know, a huge one. Didn’t even know if you’d want to see me again.”

“Of course I would!” Chloe pleads. “I’m the only girl in the world who can say ‘Ian Freeman is my boyfriend’. I’m not going to let a stupid fight get in the way of THAT. We needed to talk. We’re talking, and I don’t know about you, but I’m already feeling better.”

“Me too,” I chuckle. “So, umm… Will- will you still, you know, go out with me?” I grin as my question is answered by a long, soft kiss.

“Obviously, that was a ‘yes’,” Chloe giggles. “And I do mean ‘you’, not your public profile, not your social media followers, not even your famous friends. Just YOU.”

“Thanks,” I whisper, before returning Chloe’s kiss. “And I’m sorry again if I hurt you.”

“So am I,” Chloe whispers, before scowling. “And I’m sorry for my sister as well, I heard her shouting at you, and- ugh. You know she’s actually saying that she might not watch the next series of Doctor Who, just because the Doctor’s now played by a woman? And it’s, like, her favourite show EVER.”

“She’s definitely overcompensating for something,” I shrug. “I would ask if it was possible for a girl to get penis envy, but I’m kinda living proof there, heh.”

“Living proof of what?” Chloe asks. “I don’t see any girl here apart from me?”

“…Thanks,” I giggle, exchanging another kiss with my girlfriend as my tension completely vanishes.

“I promise I won’t trigger you again,” Chloe says. “No more ‘celebrity pressure’. You’d have more than your fair share of that. If you want to be a nerd and spend all day tinkering with robots, that’s fine with me. Speaking of which, what have you- sorry, what have WE got planned for tomorrow?” A grin spreads across my face as I stare over at the shed where Lee and Chwilen are, and I recall him telling me his plans for tomorrow…

The following morning, I feel a tingle of excitement pass through my body as Lee and I step off the train at Paddington station- though this is nothing compared to the energy that’s buzzing through my girlfriend’s petite frame right now. A short while later, after picking up Jacinta from her flat, the four of us head to a packed coffee shop near the centre of the city, taking our seats at the table that’s been saved for us. Well, three of us take our seats- Chloe freezes to the spot when she sees who it was who saved our seats for us”

“Hi,” Jamie says as she exchanges a feminine handshake with my girlfriend. “You must be Chloe, it’s so good to FINALLY meet you, hehe!”

“Yeah, hehe!” Chloe squeaks in response as I have to actually drag her into her chair.

“Stuart you already know,” Jamie says as her husband smirks and greets us with a wave. “And this little one in the high chair is Olivia, hehe!”

“She is SO cute,” Chloe sighs as the little girl giggles at the sound of her name.

“She’s a bit of a handful,” Stuart chuckles as he gently strokes his daughter’s short but growing hair. “Wouldn’t have it any other way, though. Though speaking of handfuls, it was your recording this week, wasn’t it?”

“Yes it was,” Lee replies with a smug grin.

“Gonna tell us how it went?” Stuart asks.

“No I’m not,” Lee says with an even smugger grin. “You can watch it for yourself this summer.”

“Meh, I tried,” Stuart shrugs as his wife looks on disapprovingly.

“Boys and their toys eh, Chloe?” Jamie asked.

“Well, umm, actually, I drove it too,” Chloe says nervously. “For one fight, you know…”

“You let her drive, then?” Stuart asks me. “That’s a good boyfriend, heh!”

“Yeah… I didn’t so much ‘let’ her drive,” I grimace.

“Oh, you- you two had a bit of a tiff?” Jamie asks.

“Just a bit,” I sigh, before reaching onto the table a visibly squeezing my girlfriend’s hand. “We talked it through, though.”

“Good,” Jamie whispers. “Heh, they’re never pleasant, I remember me and Stuart dropping a few atomic bombs before we got married.”

“None since, though,” Stuart says. “None I can remember since we got engaged actually. Ah, thanks, Laura.” Stuart smiles as our waitress- another member of our ‘fellowship’- brings Stuart his and Jamie’s lunch.

“Are you guys ready to order yet?” Laura asks us.

“Give us a few more minutes, please,” Jacinta replies. “Though I’d really recommend the chips here, they cook them in proper sea salt and have lots of different seasonings like Mexican, or Indian…”

“Sounds delicious,” Chloe says, before turning to me with a smile. “I’ll get both our lunches babe.”

“Nah, you don’t have to do that, I’ll pay,” I reply.

“No, seriously, I can pay,” Chloe insists.

“Guys?” Lee says accusingly, making me and my girlfriend blush and roll our eyes.

“…Sorry,” I mumble.

“Nah, this is one of those ‘acceptable’ arguments,” Stuart chuckles. “Think it’s, like, on a list or something.”

“And it just shows what a cute couple you two make,” Jacinta chuckles. “You sticking around tonight? There’s no party as it was last night instead, but we could, you know, show you the sights?”

“Would love to, but we’ve got to get back tonight,” Chloe sighs. “Though just being here at all is amazing. Totally worth the trip, hehe!”

“If Ian gets into uni in London, you might be here a lot,” Stuart teases.

“If,” I retort. “Still not had any confirmed offers yet. And it’ll be hard to leave grandma alone in Cardiff.”

“Trust me, it won’t be easy whatever you choose,” Jacinta says softly. “I know.”

“It’ll be even harder leaving Chloe, heh,” I chuckle, earning ‘aww’s from all the girls at the table- especially my girlfriend!

“Yeah… You guys are good, I can tell,” Jamie giggles as Chloe leans her petite body against mine and lets out a happy, contented sigh.

In truth, though, I’m not as confident as Jamie about the relationship. Sure, I’m happy to have talked things through with Chloe, and very happy about the fact that she’ll be snuggled up against me all the way back to Cardiff, but a part of me still worries if this is the beginning of the end for us. I’ve seen an element of my mother in Chloe, and while that’s problematic for most men, for me it’s very nearly a deal breaker. Chloe’s behaviour in Scotland was abhorrent to me, and her gushing over Jamie is understandable, but still troubling.

However, Chloe differs from my mother in one very important way- she apologised. She took steps to correct her behaviour rather than blame everyone else for her problems, and that counts for a lot. En route back to the station, she even stops off at a sporting goods store and buys me a cap to replace the one she’d destroyed- a sure sign that Chloe is definitely NOT like my mother. And I suppose I shouldn’t be too worried- we’re both still teenagers, we both have a lot of learning to do, and we both like each other a LOT, which has to count for something, right? Even if, come September, our relationship might be a long-distance one.

I just hope we don’t ever have any recurrences of what happened in Scotland- and I hope that I don’t end up as obsessed with this ‘culture’ as Chloe is, because as much as I hate myself for doing so, a part of me is REALLY looking forward to the show being broadcast…

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Comments

Let's hear it for the boy!

Ian's back! And this one was fun to write. :-) I was determined not to get too 'insider knowledge'y with the Robot Wars stuff, hence why there's no description of the actual fights itself (well, no play by play anyway)- the important thing is how our heroes react. Hopefully I pulled that off successfully. :-) And yes, I know the show's been cancelled in the real world. In the Jamieverse, it hasn't. :-p

A list of upcoming chapters can, as always, be found here. I'm working on Mother and Daughter part 7 as well- normally, it'd be in the rotation by now, but this one's kinda requiring more care than usual. It should be done within a week though, two weeks tops. :-)

Debs xxxx

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?

Beoca's picture

THAT was ugly. Fortunately, Ian and Chloe seem to have realized their miscommunications and made amends (and Chloe learned some important stuff). Good for Grandmother for stepping in. Chwilen did well, though the others might be ready for next year if the design isn’t tweaked.

Cor blimey!

The best chapter of the whole fic.

Wow

That was intense, and it didn't even involve his mother! Yeah relationships can be extremely rocky, I love my honey with all my soul but he has his own issues, as do I. We've had our fair share of fights, both my fault and his. It's been tough but I cant wait to walk down that aisle in the dress of my dreams.

I know who I am, I am me, and I like me ^^
Transgender, Gamer, Little, Princess, Therian and proud :D

Desensitize

Jamie Lee's picture

For their first time at robot wars they did well, and now know how others use their bots.

Ian has had sixteen years of being ordered what he was going to do and who he was going to become interested in. Ian has been out for two years, not enough time to become desensitized to everything he was forced to do the previous sixteen years.

The fight Chloe and Ian had was due to a bandage being ripped off old wounds, wounds that are as fresh as the day they occurred.

However, if Ian is always wanting to stay away from fame and being liked for who he knows, and being reminded of those qualities his mom possesses, why allow himself to get involved with events that will put him in the limelight?

He did his part for Chwilen and knew beforehand the battles were filmed. And that crews were put on camera.

Or, he attended the New Years party in London. He stayed with Jamie and Stuart. He knows other Angels. And he doesn't see how others would want to be with him because of it all. Even though he's decided they are just his friends.

As long as he let's his past rule his present, Ian is going to blow up at times. And those he loves could suffer.

Others have feelings too.