Spilling Miss Take

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Spoiling Missed Aches

A lot of this is an accumulation of all the spilling misteaks I’ve come across in the years. It’s all meant as a bit of a spoof, and it’s bean fun to putt it together. If it helps anyone pick up on a mistake they make too often – then that’d be nice.

At the end of this parody are some extra and silly weirdnesses of English.


Dod had jest finished eating his serial when he herd me coming down the stares. In the black ground was the mummer of the radio. I was dressed in a new knee-length pleated shirt and a frilly polka-dot blouse. He complemented me on my new costume and asked if it was Dress like a Dotter Day. Yew lurk nice in yore dress. Your going out in you’re car or walking?”

I new watt he was talking about and answered, “Yes, as I torqued about yesterday. I’m treating it as a peace of theatre, a roll play, as one likes it. And as you say, it’s all about locking god and confident.”

As I spoke, he noticed my 3 inch heals on my sore feat. The shoes were a pretty pear of lace-up scandals. I wandered what he was going to say next. He could be pretty viscous when he was in a bad mode. In a good mood, he could be charring. But that’s the sort of man, Dud was. He starred at me, puling a face at what he saw.

“Your knot going out like that are ewe?”

I looked sheepishly at hymn. “That’s what I was planning. To go the mall and the shocks with sum udder girls. I’ve got some honey to spend. I was lurking for a new dress and maybe a new leather puss. If I see a nice neckless, I might get that two.”

He looked at me sternly. I could see his though processes. They seamed to be slower then usual. I was scarred of what he might say next. I hopped he would not loose his temper. Sometimes he would make his mind up before he had all the information and undoing those decisions could be ticky. I was use to how his sense of humour could very.

I sat there, perched on the kitchen tool, in my pretty slik panties and marching bar. I felt comfortable. I enjoyed the feel of the material sliding across my hareless skin. The last time I went shopping I went down the isle to the underware section and chose a new set of inserts. They made me feel extra confident as they so improved my figure. Mum had always said that wearing the correct cloths for the occasions hugely improved one’s continence. That was why she aloud me to buy several new braziers in both B and C cap sizes.

Even thought she disapproved of me dressing as I did. She taught that it was in proper for a boy like me to dress up. But I licked it. I loved the soft, smooth feel of the undies. I loved the squeeze of the shoulder-strips of my soft-cup brasserie. I loved the swirl of the pleated shirt against my legs. But I didn’t go out often. Today was a rare occasion and I had checked with work that they were alright with it.

I looked in the mirror to see what eels I could improve. The body was thin, well more accurately only slime, but well carved in the rite places. Adequate boobage, a solid pair of hits and a good waste in-between. My lags looked grate in the new and glossy tights I had just brought. I looked as good as any twenty-five year old who looked after herself, with some exorcise and a clean diet. But it was different looking at myself in the mirror, dressed, as compared to doing so when I was striped.

I had to dress will as I had a goad job working at a 5-star hostel. I hard only got as fur as roam service but I was hopping for promotion. I really waned to be a manger spoon. Every day I had to fend what was on spatial offer, of indeed any think was. It was hard because I had a poor mammary for details, their were just fat to many things to remember. I weighted for the buss which was late as usual than a long came too at once. I climbed a board and waived my travel-card.

I was known for having a cheery manor, but today I was feeling glum, really gum.

“What you looking so sad four? Not your usual cherry self, eh? In fact most of this moth you’ve been gloopy.” said Melony, my dearest fiend who I often meet on the buss. We often have lurch together even though Malanie moistly eats half a salad. Once in a whale she invites me round for diner, more lettuce and stuff – dullsville.

I’d know form a nearly age that I was deferent, but I hated being asked about things like feelings and emoticons. It wasn’t that I was not interested in some thins, but somehow I just didn’t fit. I didn’t play boys’ games nor did I try to be one of the grills. I just didn’t have any kill at such staff. “Dunno, nothing reely.”

I loved word-play. It was almost my favourite think.

“Melanie, am I stranger? Do I behave weird? Is there any thing worng with me?”

“What on earth are you on about? You’re not string. You’re just fine. Grate. Excellent. People who don’t now you well sometimes thing your strong – but it’s just you being you.”

“I’m sorry. All I cold think off was the need to get to work on tim. I’m just babbling. I’m really don’t now what I’m saying.”

There was a paws while we decented from the bus.

Malonie continued “Don’t worry, deer. You bubble delightfully. It’s a sort of random-phrase generator inside your brain that escapes though you’re moth.”

“P’raps it’s just having to gird my lions before I face the hoard of new clients. If some of them where whiches with a genuine hoard then I could cope. Ohhh, gold and gems and treasures, my preciousss,” adding a Gollum-stile cackle.

“Are you looking for rubble?” said Melanie.

“Same times it comes, sum times it doesn’t. But I got too hurry. I need to get to the bank to see if I can burrow some money.”

“Borrow honey?”

“Yep. I’ve got this plan.”

“A cunning plane? Better than all the panes you’ve eve had before.”

“Yes, indeed. But as I say, I have to talk to the wank manager in order to see if he will lend me the necessity finds.”

“How much?”

“Maybe five thousand.”

“Five thousand puns?”

“You’ll be licky.”

“Then its plan B.”

“Surly, you have a plan B?”

“Not yet.”

The manger came round the corner and frowned at the two of us chitting when we should be getting on with our wort.

“I don’t want to pressuride you, butt theirs worm two be dun. Ide like yew to get up to yore rooms and sort them owt. You can see the cue of new gests at reception. There going to file all the rheums ass soon as passable and we’ve agreed they can have access as soon ass you’re finished. So, notify reception as you compete each room. Okay?”

This was an on convenience. We always walked as quick as passable and there was little tome to spare. If a room was clean-ish we could save nearly a minute, but it was a risk if anything was mist. None of this made me feint with excitement.

Needles to say, being put under pressure to get the rooms done made the work quiet a lot harder. I felt like making a complan but what was the pint.

Otherwise the mourning went well. I was so happy I started signing some pop tune or other. Just as we were finishing I had to cheque behind the doors and as I turned back I caught my hare on something. It hurt and I cried owt.

Jest at that moment, the door opened. The woman who came in was, to my ayes, gorgeous. Slim, elegant, expensively drossed from tip to tow. Her eyes were dark, dark almost black and instantly focussed on me.

“You can go. Unless there’s anything absolutely urgent to complete.”

“I think I can be finished in about 2 minuets. If that’s acceptable.”

“Mmmmm.”

I took this as an acknowledgement of ‘yes but 30 seconds would be batter’. As I turned away from the bedside table, I snagged my sleeve on something. Several items dropped to the floor. One was a strange shaped peace of jewellery.

The lady gasped as she saw me pick it up. Perhaps she mummered ‘no’.

It was a large broach, a sort of combination of an angle and a devil. The angel was on the right high side and the drivel at lower left. There was a small blue, not quite electric, flush as it touched my hand. I jumped as I felt the spark.

“Now, that is a bit of a problem.” said the ladle. “I wonder watt might happen next? For you, it should’ve been a pink spark. There may be treble ahead.”

------------------------------------------------------------------

A complexity of Englishisms to annoy and fascinate. Four those who enjoy this sort of thing – here’s some sillies.

Bored, Bawd, Board, (Boared, Bourd, Bord & Baud) and all the different meanings too.

=========================

STARLINGS / STARTINGS – the only two words that can lose a letter at a time and make a viable new word each time.
Starling; Staring; String; Sting; Ting; Tin; Ti; I

=========================

PLURALS
We’ll begin with Box – the plural is Boxes.
But the plural of Ox is Oxen not Oxes;
One fowl is a Goose, and two are called Geese.
Yet the plural of Moose is never called Meese.
You may find a lone House or a house full of Mice,
But the plural of house is Houses not Hice.
The plural of Man is always Men
But the plural of Pan it never is Pen.
=========================

If I speak of a Foot and you show me two Feet
And I give you a Book would a pair be a Beek?
If one is a Tooth and a whole set is Teeth
Why shouldn’t two booths be called Beeth?
If the singular’s This and the plural is These
Should the plural of Kiss be ever called Keese?
We speak of a Brother and also of Brethren
But though we say Mothers we never say Methren
The masculine pronouns are He, His and Him
But imagine the feminine – She, Shis and Shim!

=========================
NEVER INCLUDED

There’s no EGG in Eggplant; no HAM in Hamburger; neither APPLE nor PINE in Pineapple.
English Muffins weren’t invented in England.
Quicksand works slowly.
Boxing Rings are square; Guineapigs are neither from New Guinea nor are they Pigs.
Writers Write but Fingers don’t Fing, Grocers don’t Groce and Hammers don’t Ham.
You can make Amends but not one Amend?
If Teachers Taught why don’t Preachers Praught?
If a Vegetarian eats Veg, what does a Humanitarian eat?

--------------------------

In what other languages do people Recite a Play and Play at a Recital?
We Ship by Truck but send Cargo by Ship.
We have Noses that Run and Feet that Smell.
Americans Park in a Driveway but Drive in a Parkway!
How can a Slim Chance be the same as a Fat Chance while a Wise Man and a Wise Guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at a language where your house can Burn Up as it Burns Down;
In which you Fill In a form by Filling it Out; in which an Alarm goes Off by going On.
You can Call Up, Call In, Call Out and be Called Away.
Where read and lead rhyme as do read and lead but read and lead don’t and nor do read and lead!
In closing if a Father can be Pop why is Mother not Mop?
We speak not of American-English with cookies, biscuits, trousers, fannies and the rest.

-------------------------------
DOUBLE MEANINGS

The bandage was wound around the wound.
The Farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he got the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert with his dessert in the desert.
Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
To be base, a bass was painted on the base of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
The patient patient played patience while listening to Patience.
There was a row among the row of awed oarsmen on how to row.
They were too close to the two doors to close either.
The buck does things with the does.
A seamstress and a sewer seemed to fall into the sewer.
The farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections, my jaw got number.
Upon seeing a tear in the painting in the shed, I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject battery to a battery of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend, I wondered intimidatingly.

----------------------
PRONOUNCING PROPER this needs to be read aloud.

Dearest creature in creation, study English pronunciation;
I will teach you in my verse, sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy; make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear; so shall I. Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard and heard, dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain (mind the latter, how it’s written).
Now I will surely not plague you with words such as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak: say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low, script, receipt, show, poem, toe.
So and so, sow and sow, sew and sew, rough, tough, hiccough should be enough.

-------------------------

VARIATIONS of EMPHASIS

I never said she stole my money.
I never said she stole my money.
I never said she stole my money.
I never said she stole my money.
I never said she stole my money.
I never said she stole my money.
I never said she stole my money.

--------------------------
Sounds and Letters
A poem for English students

When in English class we speak,
Why is break not rhymed with freak?
Will you tell me why it's true
That we say sew, but also few?

When a poet writes a verse
Why is horse not rhymed with worse?
Beard sounds not the same as heard
Lord sounds not the same as word

Cow is cow, but low is low
Shoe is never rhymed with toe.
Think of nose and dose and lose
Think of goose, but then of choose.

Confuse not comb with tomb or bomb,
Doll with roll, or home with some.
We have blood and food and good.
Mould is not pronounced like could.

There's pay and say, but paid and said.
"I will read", but "I have read".
Why say done, but gone and lone -
Is there any reason known?

To summarise, it seems to me
Sounds and letters oft disagree.

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Comments

Very punny!

Very punny!


I'll get a life when it's proven and substantiated to be better than what I'm currently experiencing.

Orthographical Inexactitudes

OUTSTANDING!

Remember the dangerous S.

The difference between LAUGHTER and SLAUGHTER.

AM

One more

A company developed a way in the lab to make permanently charged objects. But when they tried to produce it, the factory didn't work. They finally figured it out: Unionized workers can only produce unionized substances!

touche

suggests also that he felt felt and had to iron iron at least - lots more playtime.
Thanks
AP

I've got one for you

people speak of being "overwhelmed" or "underwhelmed", but never just "whelmed"

DogSig.png

More of these than anyone needs:

See the story "How I met my wife", by Jack Winter, originally published in the New Yorker, July 25, 1994, and available in a number of sites on the web.

I was turbed ...

to find out about this. And if anyone likes wordplay then James Thurber's Wonderful O is a hoot.
And we actually use 'whelmed' in our house as a low-key version of overwhelmed.

And saving a bit of space - thanks to SamanthaMD - anything that brightens a day has to be the silver lining in a cloud.

Delightful

Thanks for posting this. It brightened up an otherwise horrible day.
Samantha

Well done, hilarious

Alys, I really appreciated this. Reading a lot of email everyday, I've not thought to save the little treasures that you've presented here. Rather, I just think, "Why doesn't the software have spellcheck on by default?"
Thanks, you made my night.

>>> Kay

default spellcheck

My version of WordPerfect has a feature that underlines words that are not in its dictionary. Of course, that doesn't find errors like 'to,' 'two,' or 'too.'

Great posting.

Pentatonic

Don't you mean "Thanks, ewe

Don't you mean "Thanks, ewe maid my knight"?


I'll get a life when it's proven and substantiated to be better than what I'm currently experiencing.

old punchline...

I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like that. Tank yew four your con mince.
AP