Andi and Allie Chapter 26
‘To be, or not to be, was there ever any question???’
The questions that bothered me the prior evening were still fresh and even more troubling when I awoke. I found myself standing next to Allie at the bathroom mirror going through our morning ritual as usual when it occurred to me that I was in the midst of prepping my lips to finish off my look with lipstick.
Now this was something men do not do as a daily ritual. And yet… This felt so natural and so ordinary. I shifted my eyes and watched the reflection of Allie nearly doing the exact same thing.
I watched her for a moment or two. She noticed my gaze and smiled at my reflection. I looked back at myself, shrugged my shoulders, and applied the first coat. I was dressed for work and couldn’t leave home feeling naked without lipstick.
Walking to work didn’t help one bit. I mean… Usually my mind is somewhere else; maybe thinking about a project or a painting I’d like to do. Sometimes I’d just do some window shopping along the way. I very rarely noticed the people walking around me.
But on this day my thoughts were really focused upon myself. How would I explain to my child, our child, that daddy dressed like a woman? Or would it really be a case of the baby having two mommies?
And what would happen once my stiffy ceased to occur? What had happened between Allie and me last evening was the most intense sexual and sensual experience I’d ever had. It was so very strange how being on the bottom seemed natural to me. This all frightened me.
Then I began to look at the people I passed. Although a woman would occasionally glance quickly at me and maybe smile, almost every man I passed gave me the once, and sometimes the twice over and smiled. I found this to be quite unsettling. I could almost feel them stare at my butt after I passed.
Now I’m not so naïve to think that this never happened before. But usually I was with Allie and we were out having a meal, or a drink. And usually Allie would point this out to me. I would comment that they were staring and smiling at her.
But she insisted, on more than several occasions, that they were staring at me with ‘that’ look in their eyes. And that leer that they imagined past as a smile on their lips was for my benefit.
I stepped up my pace. I couldn’t get to the office quickly enough and, by the time I arrived, I was a complete psychic mess. I barely whispered a good morning to Rhona and went directly to my workstation. I took off my coat and jacket, threw them on the windowsill, sat down on my chair, and began to cry. And let me tell you… I truly did let it all out.
“Sweet heart… What’s the matter?”
Rhona had come rushing over when she saw that something was wrong. She placed her hands upon my quivering shoulders and held her body against me trying to comfort me. All I could do is shrug my shoulders as I held several tissues to my eyes and continued to let it all out.
“Did you and Allie have a fight?”
I could hear the true concern in her voice. I shook my head. I wished it was that simple.
“Maybe you should take the day off?”
Oh God… And go back down to the streets?
“What’s going on here?” Peter was in this early?
“Andi’s really very upset about something.”
I looked up at Peter through my tear stained eyes.
“What’s the problem?” Peter’s voice was steady but I could hear his concern. He didn’t wait for an answer. “Come into my office Andi.” It was an order.
I got up off my chair still wiping the tears from my eyes. Rhona got up to give me room. I took two steps and Peter put his arm around my shoulders. I felt a bit comforted as he escorted me down the hall to his office. Rhona followed in tow.
“Rhona, please get Andi some coffee or…” He gazed down into my eyes. “…water. Something to drink…”
“Coffee please…?” I whispered to Rhona with a very weak smile.
She nodded and went to fetch me a cup. Peter steered me toward the couch in his office and I sat down. He took a seat next to me and grasped my hands in his. He looked at me with a furrowed brow. I stared down at my hands in his.
“It’s…complicated. I’m so confused.” I felt tears welling up again to blur my vision as I looked into his eyes.
“You’re what? Twenty one…?”
He smiled gently. “If you weren’t confused, there would really be something wrong with you. Anyway, you’re truly a gifted artist. We live in a world full of confusion and you put order to that confusion through your art.”
Well… That was true. I guess.
“When you look at me, what do you see?” I asked.
I watched his eyes very closely. Peter often expressed what he thought with his eyes.
“Well…?” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly between his lips. “To be quite open and honest? I see a beautiful young woman.” He was quick to add; “Not the Cosmo type, but certainly Vogue. You have a very exotic and enticing look about you.”
“I use to think of myself, the way I dressed, as…performance art. You know?” I sniffled and dabbed at my eyes and nose with the tissues. “But now I don’t know anymore. It’s gone beyond that. I never had any doubts about my gender.”
Rhona opened the door after a soft knocking and smiled as she handed me my cup of coffee. I thanked her and waited until she left closing the door behind her. I took a sip and looked back up into Peter’s eyes.
“But now…” My voice trailed off.
“Well…” Peter took another deep breath, exhaled, and sat back in the couch turning his body toward me. “The thing about performance art is that it has a beginning and an end. Once the performance is over, the artist resumes his, or her, regular life.”
“It’s gone beyond that…I think.”
Peter rested his arm on the couch top and his head against his palm as he listened.
“I mean I’m dressing full time now. I’ve already had a name change. Legal papers are being filed to have the gender on my driver’s license changed as well as other things. And I’ve been taking hormones.”
Peter suddenly sat upright and looked at me, again with furrowed brow.
“Yeah… I guess you can say it’s gone beyond that. What does Allie think about all of this?”
“Oh…” I brought my hands up, palms out and rolled my eyes upward. “Allie’s fine with all of this. In fact the hormones were kind of her idea.”
Peter’s eyebrows shot upward.
“You’re still seeing a doctor, right? I mean you’re not just taking hormones on your own?”
“Yes…! Of course…! She’s a specialist in endocrinology and I see her every month at this point.”
Peter leaned toward me and grasped my hands again.
“Are you seeing a therapist? This sounds like something you really need to discuss.” Before I could answer Peter added: “Have you discussed this with Allie at all?”
“Well…” I took a deep breath this time. “Sort of…? I mean this really didn’t become a major thing until last night. And she seemed to kind of shrug it off. Well… Maybe not shrug it off but she’s fine with whatever I do and whatever I decide?”
“Have you ever thought…?” Peter paused for a long moment. “Have you ever thought that maybe you’re really transgendered? That maybe you were born into the wrong body? Or that…” Peter paused for a moment searching for the right words. “Your body simply has the wrong soul inhabiting it?”
I stared at him for a long moment. I was willing to accept that…maybe…no…definitely. I was bi-sexual for sure. And I was even willing to accept that Allie was as well. But being born into the wrong body; the wrong gender? That never occurred to me at all. My tears abated for a moment and I sat and stared at Peter.
“No, I never thought about that. I certainly never felt that I was. I mean I did dress to kind of conform to an image of myself that I had in my head. But I know that this has gone far beyond that image. Or I should say that the image has become far more…more defined…more…refined than it originally was?”
“Honestly Andi… I really don’t care how you come to work or present yourself. You’re so fucking talented that you could come wearing a large paper bag. But as a friend, and I do think of you as a friend, you really need to have a very serious talk with Allie and tell her what you’ve told me.”
Peter turned his head and seemed to look off into the distance. He stayed that way for several moments. He had something to say and was thinking of how to say it. I had become so very accustomed to his mannerisms and what they meant. He finally looked back at me, into my eyes. And he took both my hands in his again.
“You and Allie are very lucky to have found one another. You two are soul mates.” I blushed Tuscan red and kind of shrugged my shoulders. “No… Seriously Andi... I noticed the way you two interacted during my New Year’s Eve party. The two of you were almost always together. And when you were with my daughter, she went from room to room looking for you. She needed to feel that connection. If she is your muse, then you need to follow her.”
“There simply are no ‘buts’ Andi.” Peter smiled…paternally at me? “I don’t mind admitting that I’ve always found you to be…well…attractive. And I must admit that having you all to myself has, on more than a rare occasion, led me to distraction. And certainly I could treat you like…” Peter had to chuckle. “…like a princess? But I could never have that magic something that you have with her. And as much as it pains me…I could never do for you what she does. She completes you.”
I could see Peter was being as serious as I’ve ever seen him be. And he was brutalizing himself with his honesty. I stared at my hands as I thought about what he said.
“You just need to give into it Andi. Don’t fight it. Just give in to it and see where it takes you. See where she takes you.” Peter chuckled again. “The two of you are so in love with one another it’s almost sickening. I only wish I could feel that way about someone. You need to follow your muse.”
I needed to follow my muse. Hmmm… As if I’d ever done anything but listen to Allie. I felt somewhat better speaking with Peter and now I understood why he backed off hitting on me? He saw that we were so very close and I guess, being the total gentleman he is, he didn’t want to even attempt to come between us.
“Thank you so much Peter.” I leaned over and hugged him and kissed his cheek.
I received a call from Allie around three. She told me that Joan Watson, our attorney, had managed to accomplish everything we need done. She was so full of excitement. Not only would my identification match my outward appearance but Allie, with Joan’s assistance, also managed to get her funds moved to a new funds managing company. Now I felt we were both invincible? As if…
When I arrived home I was back to my usual good mood. I got upstairs only to find Allie in tears. She was sitting in the kitchen with her head in her hands and a stack of used tissues in front of her. I rushed to her side and embraced her.
“What’s wrong sweet heart?”
Between sniffles and tears she managed to blurt out the problem.
“My fucking parents…! They got on me about moving my money and they went on and on saying these…these evil things. Then I told them I was pregnant…”
“You mean they didn’t know?”
I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me that Allie hadn’t told them. I just assumed… And it’s been three going on four months?
“And then they asked if I knew who the father was. Can you believe that?” She looked up at me with anger in her eyes. “Like I would simply choose anyone…as if I was some kind of…some kind of whore…!”
She burst into tears again.
“And when I told them it was you…they didn’t believe me. They thought I was being…” Poor Allie sounded so exasperated. “…being… I don’t know what.”
And I thought I had a problem. All of my cares seemed to evaporate with the hurt of my poor Allie.
“Well… Maybe we should go and see them.” That certainly seemed quite reasonable to me in spite of their hatefulness.
“They don’t want to see me.”
She burst into tears again. “They don’t want me to call or even write. They said they wanted nothing to do with me. My father called you a fag and all sorts of terrible names. My mother still thinks we’re lesbians and that we did the turkey baster thing.”
‘Turkey baster thing’…? What the hell is that? I listened as I held her and I hugged her whilst resting my head upon her quivering shoulders. I simply couldn’t understand how anyone’s parents would act as Allie’s had.
Considering they had everything to give her that my mom never did, nor could, I couldn’t understand their hostility. I thought that anyone who had a child as good and kind and productive as her would have thought themselves among the fortunate and blessed.
I couldn’t help but feel that this was because of me. The manner I chose to identify myself in public was too much for them to understand. I mean… That was the cause of my angst anyway. I kissed the top of Allie’s head.
“Look… If I changed…if I started wearing guys’ cloths…”
Allie shot up and burst free of my arms. She grasped my arms so tightly that it hurt.
“Don’t you dare! Don’t you change for anyone; certainly not for them and certainly not for me. This is who you are and this is the way you should remain. At least for as long as you desire. I love you just as you are. Fuck my parents!”
Allie was as angry as I’d ever seen her. Here face was blood red and her gorgeous features were twisted into a horrid snarl. And she rarely profaned outside the bedroom.
“And fuck the world...!”
She suddenly hugged me to her and rested her chin on my shoulder. She almost whispered into my ear.
“You’re the only one that matters to me. You’re the only one I love; you and our child.”
I had tears in my eyes. I admired Allie’s strength. Indeed I envied it. To simply kiss everyone off and live one’s life as one chooses is a very brave decision; especially when one had to forgo the only thing I really lacked; a family and roots. I certainly had no problem following Allie whatever route she chose for herself, for me, or for us.
“I’m with you sweet heart; all the way. Whatever you want to do I am with you.”
What else could I do? I was rejected for all of my childhood…short as it was. We kissed, or I should say that Allie kissed me. And her kiss was full of passion as well as emotion. But, in truth, it was at least half desire because she then bent me back, her embrace firm, and simply took my breath away.
Allie pushed me toward our bedroom; our lips still locked together. As we went on our way, we both began to shed our clothing, leaving a trail through the cave and the room between the cave and our bedroom. We both were down to our panties as we entered. Our lips parted when Allie pushed me down and onto my back on the bed.
“There’s no escaping from me.”
Allie’s eyes bore right into my very soul. She got onto the bed on her hands and knees. “Now I have you where I want you…” Her eyes were alight with excitement and passion as she straddled my waist. “…and I’m never letting you go.”
I was very surprised at her extremely aggressive tack but I must say that I also found it very…exciting? I mean I was already more than semi stiff as she nearly ripped my panty off! Allie didn’t smile the entire time. She needed to feel connected as Peter put it.
“Yesss…” Allie hissed as she grasped my dick.
Without another sound, she moved her gusset aside and slipped me directly into her.
“Mmmm… That is so good.”
She spoke in a raspy voice with her face uplifted and her Alizarin redden eyes closed.
I couldn’t believe how amazing it felt to be in her. Allie was moaning and contracting her vaginal muscles squeezing my dick. I closed my eyes in ecstasy and reached out for her now even more pendulous breasts. I felt Allie move and, upon opening my eyes, I saw her bend down toward me.
Allie’s baby bump made the trip down to me a bit more difficult. She brought her face down to mine and kissed me. I was particularly sensitive to sensation of our lipstick-coated lips meshing together. The images in my mind of the colors blending and the slick feeling combined to form such an amazing experience that I knew I had to get it down on canvas. But not at this exact moment…!
I softly moved my hands down her back and along her thighs relishing the touching of those curves that so entranced me. I closed my eyes as I moved my hands around to her tummy and the child growing within.
I opened my eyes and, with tears forming and a smile on my face, I told her that I loved her and would be hers forever. I felt so strange echoing what she had said to me earlier. But I meant every word.
I could feel her squeeze my dick as she slowly raised and lowered herself upon me. I began to move in a counter rhythm as we gazed into one another’s eyes. My hands went to her breasts again and I began to palpate them. They were beginning to show the effects of the hormone surges that have flooded her body since becoming pregnant. Those magnificent globes felt larger and firmer than ever.
Neither of us lasted long. All it really took was for Allie to contort her body and latch onto one of my nipples with her lips and I came in her with a rather load groan. My orgasm seemed to trigger hers as well and she threw her head back with a grimace upon her face as she cried out quite loudly and wet the both of us...and the bed. She collapsed atop me and slowly rolled over bringing me atop of her.
Allie lay upon her back…
…with me in her arms as usual. I could see that she was still rose red flushed with the excitement of our efforts. I gazed down between her breasts to the baby bump. I slowly rubbed her belly in a circular moment and closed my eyes. I wanted to imprint, in my mind, the feeling of that new addition to her already lush body.
I wondered what it felt like. I wondered what I would look like with a life growing in my tummy. I would have given anything…no…everything… to be her if for only a few brief moments. What a miracle women are. What a miracle Allie was. What a miracle we were in the midst of. I never realized just how captivated I would become with Allie’s body and the changes she was undergoing.
Later that evening I began to sketch myself in a nude profile. I used her magnificent form so deeply etched in my mind. I started to draw myself with her body shape and its amazing changes. I made sketch after sketch with my dick being obscured. I looked like an anorexic version of her with my little bumps of breasts and my not so little bump of baby.
I did everything I possibly could to mimic her belly. When I did my daily enema to clean myself, in the event Allie wanted to play that evening, I tried to take in enough water but I couldn’t before the discomfort became overwhelming. Then I tried air with a little more success. But it still wasn’t quite enough and I would wind up spending the rest of the morning embarrassing myself as I expelling random bursts at work.
Then I did the ridiculous. I purchased two rolls of Mentos and a quart of soda. I waited until the weekend and then I did it. I ate all the Mentos and drank the entire quart of soda. My tummy began to expand with the release of gas and it wouldn’t stop. I thought I would explode and leave a bloody mess all over the walls.
The sensation of me expanding couldn’t be called pleasant? But I would definitely label it sensual. I felt as if I was watching a baby rapidly growing in me and there was no way I could stop it. I felt the urge to belch but I fought that back. I began to massage my ever growing tummy to ease the pain. Allie walked in and, after slapping her cheeks with her hands, in shock she asked what I was doing.
“I just wanted to see…to feel…to know what it is like.” I moaned as the gas continued to expand within me.
“Oh my God…!”
Allie laughed. “You’re so crazy. Take off your tee shirt and let me see.”
She came to my side and, as I removed my tee shirt, rubbed my belly.
“That is so amazing.”
Allie giggled. She was…excited?
“I have to get pictures of this…and of us!!!”
I stood in our bedroom groaning and moaning and fighting the temptation to let out one long and loud burp as Allie went to get her camera and tripod. I had to slip the front of my panty waistband down beneath my expanded belly as I continued to gently rub my ‘baby bump’ in a circular motion with my other hand.
It took Allie forever to set up her equipment and undressed. Or at least it felt that way as my belly continued to expand with the gas. Finally she was ready. Allie rested flat on her back next to me and began to remotely snap the shutter for picture after picture.
At first I felt…exposed. I held one hand and arm over my boobs and the other covering my crotch. Allie noticed and mimicked me at first. But then, after the first few shots, she pulled my hand to her so that I was hiding her nipples and she was hiding mine.
Then Allie took some pictures of us rubbing our bellies and then one another’s as well. She even got some with us standing back to back. We had some holding hands and in various other poses. She kept this up for about half an hour until I couldn’t hold the gas in any longer. I let out with the all-time longest and loudest burp in history…or at least in my personal history.
Once Allie stopped laughing and got her camera equipment put away, we settled down in the cave and talked about what I had done. She knew why immediately but she wanted to know more…like if I had any questions. I had a thousand of them but didn’t know where to really begin.
“This whole pregnancy thing…it’s like a wonderful mystery to me. It’s something I really wish I could experience, you know?”
“Well…” Allie giggled as she turned toward me, putting her legs upon my lap. “You’d have to be a woman for that to happen.”
“I know.” There was more than a touch of disappointment in my voice. “But if I could, even for a day or something, it would be wonderful.”
“Well…?” Allie rolled her eyes upward with a wide grin. “Which part would you like; the barfing every morning for weeks part? The outgrowing everything you’ve ever owned; the acid indigestion; or maybe the feeling that you’re slowly exploding from the inside outward? And…” She held up her index finger to emphasize what she was saying. “We’re only a little over one third of the way there! We still have the summer’s heat to contend with!”
I blushed several new shades of yet to be named red; one after the other. And I nervously giggled and smiled. The truth is that I wanted to feel all of that and I couldn’t fathom why. After all, I was a guy. And maybe other guys felt as I did; or did they? The only one I could ask was Peter and I wasn’t up to the task of asking him…or embarrassing myself.
“You don’t think it’s weird…do you?” I felt too embarrassed to look at Allie. “I mean…ummm…you know…wanting to know what it’s like?”
“No… Of course not silly rabbit...” Allie laughed. “I would think it’s a little weird if you didn’t want to know. After all, you are the baby daddy. But…”
Allie suddenly put on her serious face as she leaned forward toward me.
“I don’t want you to do weird stuff like that thing with the Mentos again. What happens when I’m in my last trimester and you want to see how you’d look? What are you going to do, eat a case of them and drink a gallon of soda?”
I nodded sadly and turned an even redder also to be named shade of red. I was still burping up gas.
“I won’t do that again.” I said softly.
“Of course…” Allie smiled wickedly. “In Sweden they’re transplanting women’s plumbing into other women who don’t have a functioning uterus. I think they’re beginning to do it for trans women as well. One ‘GG’ woman actually gave birth to a normal and quite healthy child.”
“But that would mean…” Allie didn’t let me finish my thought.
“Yes…!” She giggled. “It certainly would. But think of the possibilities.”
“I think I’ll pass on that today.” But the seed that had been sown was now watered.
“Good. What we can do, once we start taking the classes…” Allie grinned.
“Classes…? What classes…?” We need to take classes?
“You’re so silly sometimes.” Allie laughed. “Of course we have to take classes; coaching classes. Stuff like breathing when I go into labor and learning what to do and how to care for a newborn. I mean you do want in on all that stuff.”
I looked at Allie in total awe. I really hadn’t given any thought to this stuff. I thought this stuff just sort of happened. You know…?
“So you’re one of those people who think that all women are born with a genetically imbedded manual for child birth and care.” Allie laughed…thankfully. “And I want a full time nurse for at least the first two weeks afterward.” She rolled her eyes upward in thought and added. “Just in the event I need a C-section or something...”
A nurse, surgery, classes, oh my God what’s next.
“And…” Allie added, almost as an afterthought. “We need to remodel the office space into a nursery. We can use some other space as an office area.”
‘What else could we possibly need’ I thought.
“We’ll both need a nursing coach to learn how to properly breast feed.”
Hearing our baby’s heart beat had a bigger impact upon me than anything else I had ever experienced. The event really took a day or two to absorb. I listened to the sound dozens of times from my phone recording until I could hear it in my head.
Every time I thought about Allie I envisioned that tiny sacred life growing within her. And every time I cast my eyes upon Allie and her baby bump I saw two human beings and not simply one.
I became manic. I wouldn’t let her do a thing in our home…OUR home. I became one of those people who texts their significant other ninety times a day. I would barely let Allie lift a spoon let alone anything with more substance to it. I did most of the cooking and all the cleaning even though the cleaning service now came three times a week. Though we often shopped on the weekend together, I purchased one of those ‘little old lady’ carts to haul everything home.
Although Allie appreciated and understood what I was doing and why, she still thought of my efforts as a loss of her independence…at least at first. We even had one or two of our very rare animated discussions over my extra exertions doing the household thingy. But, in short order she began to enjoy the break from the usual that I afforded her and took a supervisory role. This seemed to please her as much as my efforts pleased me.
Allie’s sexual appetite didn’t diminish one bit. If anything, it increased! Allie would attack me whenever the mood struck her. One time I was putting our dishes into the dishwasher. She came up behind me and, without any warning or preliminaries, she hoisted up the back of my tee, pulled down the back of my panty, and she plunged her strap on dick into me in one swift motion.
Needless to say I squeaked…loudly...
…in a very high pitch and nearly jumped out of my skin. Thankfully she lubricated her dick very well. Of course the sensation shook me out of the dream world I was in. She took hold of me and, with her lube covered hand, stroked me using the motion her hips were pounding her dick into me. Once again we needed to wipe the counter, the floor, and one another after her profusely squirting.
This was only one example of Allie’s becoming the initiator of any and all sexual activity that occurred. It was also an example of the randomness of her desire. She would even ‘assault’ me in public when the mood struck her. In bed we spent more time involved in oral sex than anything else although I was still able to penetrate her on occasion. We did, thankfully, procure a large rubber under sheet for the bed.
‘Feathering the nest’ was a term I learned from both Rhona and Peter. This seemed to be an age-old custom that went hand in hand with the second trimester. Allie and I didn’t want to know the sex of the baby so the traditional pastel pink or blue walls didn’t seem appropriate.
I was almost completely cut out of the loop as far as Allie was concerned. I felt a bit put off considering I had the eye for color and design. But once Rhona explained that this was something I really had to take more than one step back from and why I needed to do so, I did so. Even as she prepared the nursery I had to remind myself. She told me the floral ‘A’ was for the first letters of our names. After all, Mother Nature decreed that…
…this was Allie’s nest.
Whilst this was all going on, I seemed to bury myself to a greater extent into my work; both in the office and at home. I would often come into work with a sigh on my lips and a stupid grin on my face. I would sit silently with Rhona having my morning coffee and suddenly begin to giggle as I recalled Allie and my sexual adventure the prior evening.
Of course Rhona would laugh knowing why I was being so…silly. She’d been there and done that as well. And Peter would walk in, take one look at me and begin to laugh as well. They said I had ‘that glow’. Oh…my…God…!
Susan and I were speaking every other day. She seemed to be as excited as we were about the impending ‘event’. Evidently Allie and Susan were also speaking quite frequently. Indeed they were becoming quite close. Susan and Allie were having lunch two or three times a week at Susan’s club; some sort of sorority on the Upper East Side near Susan’s new townhouse. They even began to have dinner every so often there.
Allie wouldn’t tell me much about their dining at the club other than she enjoyed Susan’s company and she enjoyed meeting some of the other women there. Evidently the service was excellent and the food…divine.
I sat one day in the office taking an inventory of my life to date. I felt torn between believing life to be quite grand and the sheer terror of having things almost too good to be true.
I had also entered into dark territory regarding my personal life style. That was quite frightening at times. I had come so far in such a short time that I almost couldn’t remember my life, or myself, nearly a year ago.
I was busier than ever between work, my upcoming showing, my art, that of Allie, and her pregnancy. I was a different person now. People relied upon me. I had friends…true friends; the kind of people who call you when they haven’t heard from you in a day or two. Bob Preston was grabbing everything he could lay his hands on. I had to hide the works showing Allie and myself nude and…pregnant?
I…we…were being invited places. I was flavor of the week. I…no…we…were on the ‘A’ list for openings, premiers of various sorts, and, of course, dinner parties. We began to carefully decide what to attend and when.
There are only so many hours in the day, the week, the month, and our first consideration was Allie’s physical condition and comfort. Of course any invitation from Jill, Peter or Susan never went neglected.
Indeed I was a different person and, thanks to Joan Watson’s efforts, I had proof; a new female identity. I guess gender can be as fluid as sexuality…at least in my case? Anyway, I had become more than accustomed to my ‘female side’ and I began to embrace it as never before.
Then came the week that everything turned to poopie shit. Allie received an invitation in the mail to her parents Memorial Day celebration; the beginning of the ‘season’. I was surprised after the last conversation Allie had with them. More over, I was a bit put off that my name wasn’t on the invite and it wasn’t even ‘plus one’.
“You haven’t told them?” I think I was actually angry with Allie; a first for us. “They don’t know that we’re still together…or that our baby is still a work in progress?”
“Does your mother know at all?” She whined defensively.
Her face was beginning to redden burgundy but the changes were coming so quickly that a final color hadn’t been reached yet.
“My mother is a drunken, drugged out whore.
She hasn’t had a phone in years. She only calls me. I can’t call her…” I rolled my eyes upward in thought. “I probably wouldn’t tell her anyway.” I muttered.
We stared at one another; our eyes locked in a combat of impasse. Suddenly I couldn’t be angry with her. That Allie had issues with her parents affecting her deeply couldn’t be denied. It was entirely on me to give her the strength to face those festering issues and overcome them.
“Look sweet heart…” I reached my hands out across the island counter to grasp hers. “When you think about it, we’re totally untouchable.”
Allie’s expression softened and her color returned slowly to its normal peaches and cream.
“You have your own money…”
“Our money…?” She smiled and giggled.
“Okay… Our money…” I returned her smile and giggle in kind. “We have our home and our careers. We even have our own places to be and events to attend. There is nothing they can do to affect our lives. We simply don’t need anything from them and we certainly don’t need their stupid party. But I think we should at least tell them that we’re blowing them off.”
Allie sighed as she got up and walked around to me. She took my face in her hands and gently kissed my forehead. Then she planted herself on my lap.
“I just don’t know how I’m going to explain.”
I could hear the exasperation in her voice. I felt a tear or two as we held each other in a very comfortable silence, Allie’s head resting upon mine.
“So you’ve spoken to them recently.” I was a bit surprised that she hadn’t told me.
“My dad was still pissed about me moving my money. He could no longer call the shots on how it was being handled; as if he knew how to anyway. He’s such a control freak.” She spat out the last few words. “Then my mother got on the phone…and…”
I was so very saddened, and angered, to think of what her mother must have said. I was totally heartbroken over Allie’s distress. And as I held her and felt her entire body quiver as she silently sobbed, I couldn’t help but understand her pain.
Whilst I was neglected by my mother and had learned to so dissociate myself from her that I rarely even remembered she existed, consciously at least, Allie’s parents were ever present…at least in her mind.
Fear is the greatest threat to a truly deep and meaningful relationship. And I knew, even then, we both had to confront our personal fears and demons and move on from there. Allie’s fear of her parents’ disapproval was overwhelming. One would think that she would be past it all, but her parents had done a truly wonderful job of trying to mentally beat any individuality out of her.
Poor Allie had no real way of introducing me formally to her parents. I understood her dilemma. ‘Folks, I want you to meet the father of your grandchild.’ And there I am in my finest afternoon tea skirt and blouse. I certainly wasn’t prepared to closet my true self simply for the sake of ‘propriety’? And, in truth, Allie didn’t want me to be anything other than who, and what, I am.
But she also knew that they had to be dealt with. I was going to be as supportive, encouraging and compassionate as I could be. We both seemed to know what the outcome would be anyway. I helped to prepare her for the harshness, the shallow and callousness, and the acrid tirade that would follow. My dearest Allie made the call and put it on speaker.
“Hi… I’m having the baby after all.”
She was as bright and cheerful as she could be, smile and all. Allie’s father was way less than pleased.
“What…? You should have aborted that…that aberration immediately!” Her mother was on the phone as well.
“What…! Andi is the father.”
“You still associate with that… that vile perverted creature!!!” Her father sounded truly astonished.
“You always made the poorest decisions!” Her mother was in tears. “You should give up that life style and that menial job and come back home. If you insist on playing with clay you can do it from home as a hobby.”
They went on and on and on. They were brutal and unrelenting in their attack upon poor Allie. To her credit, she remained as calm as she could be until finally I had enough. I scribbled words on a pad and handed it to her. Allie recited them with newly found calmness and serenity as I kissed her cheek and held her hand.
“Mom…? Dad…? This call was simply a courtesy and nothing else.”
Allie ad-libbed the rest of what she said.
“I really am not interested in your opinions of condemnations. And I’m afraid we’re already booked for Memorial Day.”
That if fact, was the truth…
“And …” Allie continued with a bit more emphasis. “When you come to your senses give us…” She emphasized ‘us’. “… a call.” And she abruptly ended the call.
I couldn’t have been more proud of Allie. I took her trembling hands and kissed her trembling cheek. Allie’s face flushed tulip pink and her eyes belied the fact that she was verging on tears.
I know what the feeling of being caught between anger and sadness is like. I gave her a moment to catch her breath and compose herself. Then I hugged her and told her that I truly loved her and we truly only needed one another in this life.
Dealing with my own inadequacies was a totally different challenge. As time went on and we entered the fourth month of Allie’s pregnancy, my work began to take on a totally different look. By profession I am an artist. Whether I’m any good is really based upon the opinion of those that view my work. So, by the nature of my beast, I am insecure although I had enough faith in my skills to avoid being too self-absorbed and too self-centered.
My work began to assume a more…abstract look? Faces became more fractured and the bodies that were once smooth and flowing now had sharper edges and incongruities. The coloration began more muted and backgrounds flowed into the foreground. I believed this represented the conflicts that were raging within me.
Whilst others, in particular Susan, Peter and Bob, celebrated what I was creating, I felt nothing but a spiritual emptiness. I didn’t feel that I was controlling what I was imaging. Oh sure, I could still paint or draw an exact image of something…anything. But when I let myself go all that came out was this fractured sort of replication of life as I envisioned it.
In truth, I was adrift. I could no longer state that I was a man…or a male for that matter. My hormone regimen was causing Allie and me to make oral sex a more important part of our sexual life. I could no longer depend upon being erect. Although I was never really dominant in our bedroom, I couldn’t even count on penetrating her when she was on top.
As a result I began to worry even more about being able to satisfy Allie sexually. She never stated anything to that effect. But I couldn’t help feeling that having a nice stiffy was crucial to her sexual and emotional health. And, to complicate things even further, I was beginning to perhaps obsess upon having someone else’s stiffy to play with.
My inner conflict became so very all-encompassing that everything in my life seemed to come to a screeching halt. My work for Peter suffered. My very means of expression was becoming incomprehensible to me.
I was distracted at home and oblivious to Allie and her needs. And I was even having trouble deciding what to wear and when to wear it. Thankfully Susan called. She hadn’t heard from me in a few days and became concerned.
“So… What’s up with you, girlfriend? I haven’t heard a word from you all week.”
I could hear a genuine concern in her voice. Her greeting never bothered me before but, in my present state of mind, the word ‘girlfriend’ felt like a thorn in my side. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly as I tried to gather my thoughts.
“I’m so confused.”
“Aw… You poor baby… Tell me all about it.” She really sounded concerned now.
So I did. I unloaded everything…and I mean everything…upon Susan. She listened patiently as my voice went from sheer exasperation to a quavering, sobbing, tearful plea.
I ended my, in retrospect, self-indulgent monologue with, “I just don’t know what to do. Maybe I should see someone? You know. A shrink…?”
“WHAT…!” Susan was quite shocked at my suggestion. “And resolve all your issues? That would certainly ruin any other form of expression.”
“Then what should I do? I’m so…unhappy…so…confused.” I dabbed my nose as I spoke.
“Oh honey…” I could envision her sympathetic expression from the sound of her voice. “It’s so easy. You think too much. You’re an artist. Don’t think… Just feel...”
“You need to submit. Stop fighting with yourself.”
“I don’t understand.” I had no idea of what Susan was saying.
“Submit yourself completely and totally…to your muse.” Susan chuckled but there was…warmth to the sound?
“My muse? My muse is Allie.”
“Yes… I know. Let her lead and you follow. Don’t question and don’t think. You were born to put your feelings, your emotions, into your work. When you think, you instantly disconnect yourself from what you really feel. You are so very lucky to have her. If you really want to think…think about this. Every other piece you do is of her, or about her.”
Susan was right. My creativity and body of work is directly connected to my fascination with her, indeed my obsession with her? From the very moment I saw Allie I was totally entranced.
“Your Allie is incredibly powerful and she hasn’t even begun to experience just how powerful she really is, and can be. But I will teach her. And she will blossom like a wonderful tea rose with more petals then even you can ever imagine. She is one of us, a true sister. She is one of the very few. And you will be truly amazing at her power to heal you. But you must submit yourself to her; her power and her being.”
I felt I knew what Susan was saying? I sat quietly trying to absorb all she had just said. I didn’t understand the ‘she is one of us…a sister’ at all.
“I thought I was submitting…or at least I am submissive to her anyway.”
“Oh honey, I am so glad you called me about this business. Let me give you an example.” Susan paused for a moment.
“You should really be having this conversation with Allie. If you feel like sucking a cock, or getting fucked by one for that matter, you need to tell her. You need to tell Allie whatever is troubling you; all your little thoughts; all your little sins. Whether you realize it or not, you are her most prized possession. She will make sure that you are kept happy and…unconfused? Your issues are of the utmost importance to her.”
“I understand that.”
I should be confiding in Allie more than I have been. There should be no secrets between us.
“And another thing…” Susan’s voice softened a bit. “I have brought Allie’s name up for membership in our women’s…” I could almost ‘see’ Susan searching for the proper word. “…organization. It’s more of a sorority really. Anyway, you can be an enormous asset to her. This is between you and me for the moment. But if she does raise the issue, you must encourage her to join. This will be to both your benefits.”
“Is this why you two have been having lunches and dinners together?”
I must have sounded so clueless that Susan chuckled.
“Yes dear… I wanted her to see what we have to offer as well as introduce her to some of the other members. Your Doctor Weintraub is a member as is Joan Watson; though she is a junior member. We do take special care of our own you know.”
Suddenly many things became clear. That’s why things that normally took ages and reams of paperwork to accomplish were done in a matter of several days.
“Our Allie…” ‘Our Allie’…? I kind of liked that appellation of personal concern. “…is a very special young woman. She is a princess on the verge of becoming a queen; certainly your queen. And you must treat her as such. I have little doubt that you will because you are quite special as well.”
Susan made many things clear to me, for me. Although there was still a bit of mystery surrounding this entire relationship between Allie and Susan and this…sorority, I did feel quite a bit better about things in general; especially Allie and me.
“One other point to mention…” Susan chuckled. “You are as important to her as she is to you. I know the way you support her…and trust me…you do support her. Without you she truly is an empty shell. You fill up her great void and it’s important that you continue doing so.”
I was somewhat stunned. From the gist of our conversation I took it to be about Allie and her needs. But in truth it was about my own. Susan was right, as usual. I had this need to fill Allie with myself. That’s the one piece that was missing. Perhaps I couldn’t do it physically but I could do it spiritually.
“I don’t know how to thank you Susan. You really are a dream.”
“Look sweet heart, if I didn’t feel you were worth the time, I wouldn’t spend it. You both are very important to me and you can call me anytime. Anytime…”
I got that warm fuzzy feeling after speaking with Susan. I knew she was right. I should have been confiding in Allie all along. There had to be no secrets between us. I had to eliminate the fear I had of telling her my inner most thoughts.
I thought the entire thing out in my mind. I thought about what I was going to say and how I would say it. I even thought of a few excellent gestures to execute at very those meaningful moments. Of course it never works out that way.
Will Andi opt for a replacing of her plumbing? Will Andi then go the In Vitro route? Will Allie post those photos of Andi on the net? Will Allie join that mysteriously secretive sorority that everyone except Andi knows about? Will Allie receive her Captain Midnight secret decoder ring? Will Andi be showing as much as Allie will be? Be sure to read the next lo-cal, 2% fat installment of the adventures of ‘Andi and Allie’!!!
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