Chapter 21 – A Winter’s Tail

“Please stand straight, Dad!” He was making it hard to take his measurements. I couldn’t tell whether he was uncomfortable having his daughter take his measurements or finding out what they were. I had the men in the family gathered in the living room. They were each going to get a make over in the clothes department.

Robert was back for a brief break between the end of the spring term and the start of summer school. He was going back because he had a new love in his life. He was up next and closely watching what I was doing with an amused expression on his face.

“Sorry, Honey, it is just that I am not used to being measured by you. It tickles.” Dad quipped.

“I can’t make clothes for you if I don’t have the foundation of accurate measurements.”

“Why are you doing this, again? You know I can just go down to the Wal-Mart and grab them off the rack.”

I pulled the tape around his belly. I rolled my eyes and said to my Dad, “I know you can buy it off the rack. It shows.” I wrote down his measurements. “But, to answer your question, if I only get to explore my style as a girl, I will be incomplete. I need to explore a man’s style too. So, you, Doug, Grandpa, and Robert just became my play things.”

Doug laughed at my comment because of our secret. I handed my Dad an issue of Gentleman’s Quarterly with some pages ear marked. I had carefully gone through looking for clothes that would complement my Dad’s sturdy frame, middle aged pooch, and greying hair. He looked at Doug for a moment as if he was wondering why he laughed.

Doug, realizing that he may have let on more than he should have, ribbed Dad back to cover himself. “She’s your daughter. You started all of this.”

“Well, Doug, you don’t have to egg her on by getting us all to join this exercise in ‘male fashion’.” Robert folded his arms and stared at Doug with a smirk on his face.

“I didn’t see you saying no either. That new French girlfriend has you dressing better I see.” Grandpa poked Robert in the ribs with his elbow.

Robert beamed with pride. “Well, my belle femme is worth it. And I can use Samantha’s help if I am going to keep this cutie. So, I, for one, don’t intend to stop this exercise.”

“Just choose a look you like Dad. How am I ever going to get back in the swing of things if you all abandon me.” Dad looked at the magazine with disdain. “That means opening it and looking, please,” I pleaded. I then handed each of them a GQ magazine with earmarks for them.

Grandpa finally gave in and opened his. He said, “I think we had better choose or else she will have us wearing dresses before the week is out.”

Mom shouted from the kitchen. “Hey, I like that idea!” I could hear Grandma laughing.

I stood like a statue with my figure pointed up in the air with a facial expression that looked a cat that just swallowed the canary. “Now there is an idea!” They all started looking through their magazines rather hurriedly and laughing too.

Doug’s plan was working perfectly. A couple of weeks ago, in a moment of reflection, he turned to me and said, “If you explore your style as Mom wants, it could backfire. I think you need to show you are preparing for the end so they keep this going as long as possible.” After a brainstorming session, Doug and I hatched the idea that I would make an outfit for each of the men in my life. That way, it would appear that I was keenly looking to the future while enjoying the present.

Robert rubbed my head and asked, “How tall are you now, Pipsqueak? You look like you have grown a bit since I last saw you.” I took note that he used the same affectionate name and tone as Jane. I think the two of them had been talking.

As far as my growth was concerned, I was beginning to follow the path of my mother and sister. They were beanpoles in the beginning. I had been growing. I was nearing five foot two now and still well under one hundred pounds. Doug had informed me a few weeks ago that my probable height would be about five foot five, or my mother’s height and an inch below Jane.

“Yes, I can tell I have been growing. We have had to change some of my special stuff lately too. The doctor feels that it will be another year before I start having real changes and things catch up with me in other areas of my body. Apparently, Mom’s genetics dominate my growth pattern.”

Robert looked me over and commented, “Well, those funny things you are wearing really do make you look like a girl. Especially the ones for your behind. Plus, I don’t see any peach fuzz on you yet, so that is good for you at the moment.”

I deflected. “I shouldn’t start having peach fuzz until I am fifteen at the rate I am growing the doctor says.” I didn’t let on that I only wore a gaff and breast forms. My behind was changing all on its own. And I liked it.

Doug spoke up before things got out of control. “Her growth pattern is mostly Zimmer right now, as she says. That will result in a late puberty. She will be still on the small side in High School. Figure that she won’t hit her next growth spurt until her junior year. She has briefly caught up to the boys in her school, but come next year, they will start to outpace her again. I can see it with Tommy. He is five-foot-six or seven already. He is going to be six foot two when he hits his full height. I think Samantha will hit five-foot-nine when she is done growing. Or, average height for a man in the United States.”

Dad added, “Dr. Cramer has indicated that by the end of the year or into the next year, we are going to have to send her away for a period of time to an exchange program in Canada so she can slowly transition back to Samuel. So, by the ninth grade, we ought to have Samuel back in High School.”

Grandpa looked at me. “Is that okay with you, Samantha? I mean, you will be away from family.”

“Yes. It should be no problem. I am looking forward to it. I will be learning more French and be close to family in Massachusetts with it being in Quebec. I can learn to ski, which I have always wanted to do. I thought about just moving in with my uncle, but I think it will be too confusing for Evelyn. It will be much better to be close to them in Canada. Plus, I can take it at my own pace that way.”

Doug and I walked back to his place after we were done leaving the guys talking about fishing and hunting. I brushed my forehead as if I was wiping away sweat. “Whew, that was close.”

“I know. I knew the men in the house would eventually start to plan on retrieving Samuel. And the women would follow suit. Giving them a concrete time line allows them to think what is going to happen is normal. So, you have decided you want the change early, not later?”

“Yes. Jane is banking her eggs. Your spies confirmed that as well as Dr. Cramer. Although, I don’t know how she is paying for it. So, I will be a mother. And, frankly, I don’t remember being a boy anymore. And I want to act on the feelings of attraction I feel for boys like Dean and even Tommy. I am still confused as to how you are going to get me the surgery, though. But, I promise not to ask questions.”

“Good. Because it is going to be a narrow window in which I can pull it off for you. You will have to trust me.” Doug began snickering. I knew enough not to ask anymore.

“What do you need me to do?” I felt guilty. I just asked a question.

“You are going skiing in Vermont. I will send you the lift tickets with the dates. You will meet me there. But I will be in disguise when I take you to the hospital. You will bring a suitcase filled with one pair of boy’s clothes and the rest needs to be girls. Expect your hospital stay to take about one to two weeks. Anyway, we need to go over something else right now since you have made your decision.”

Doug took me into his place and showed me photos of the procedure that would be performed on me. It was graphic. From the removal of the testes, to the creation of a vagina from my old parts and some skin graphs, it looked painful. But, the result would be life changing and worth it.”

“You are sure now? This is what you want? You can wait until you are eighteen and you can come out now.”

“Yes, I am. True, I want to stop lying about who I really am. But, the option to become the real me is irresistible.” I hugged Doug. “Thank you. Without you, I would be so miserable right now. Instead, I have a life and choices.”

Doug went on the say, “Two last things. At the end of August, you will be put on shots instead. You can’t be on hormones around the time of the surgery. But, don’t worry about that. Your last month, go back on the pills. Lastly, do you want to spend almost all of eighth grade at Danvers missing just a few weeks or do you want to go at the first of the year and come back to Danvers mid-year?”

“You mean you can make Canada a short trip?”

“Yes. Relatively speaking. Let’s just say that I have the algorithm for solving your problems well in hand.” I was tempted to groan because I knew he made a bad joke. But, I wanted to remain serious.

I refrained from asking him more as I had a bunch of questions float through my head, but I knew he was proud of his solution and he would tell me when it was time.

“I love you, Bro.”

“I love you too, Sis.”

The next day, me, my dad, and my Grandpa flew to St. Louis for David St. Jean’s trial on human trafficking. I was going to have to testify in a preliminary hearing, but when the prosecution didn’t use me, the defense felt emboldened to use me in the regular trial believing they could use me to make the prosecution look bad. Later, this week, is when Yvonne would be called to testify. I am sorry I will miss her.

The bailiff pushed the video tape in as instructed and pressed play. The jury heard a dubbed version. The voice came out in the court room, “I am not from here. I go to school in Tennessee. It is called the volunteer state. I volunteer to help girls in trouble get away from bad men. That is why I am here.” In the video, my face is also blurred. Then the bailiff pressed stop.

The defense counsel came up and asked me, “Ms. Samantha, you said in this tape that you help girls in trouble get away from bad men, right?”

“Yes, Sir.” I looked at the lawyer directly in the eyes. He looked like a cobra waiting to strike. Too bad for him that I was mongoose. I kept my distance from him.

“You used the words ‘bad men’ in addition to ‘girls in trouble?’” He thought he had me.

“Yes, Sir.” He didn’t expect my frank reply.

“Why?” Caught off guard by my honesty, he pressed his attack.

“Because earlier she said she shot a man who was beating her mother.” I simply stated the truth and shrugged my shoulders.

“How do you know the man was bad?” I was amazed at how he was trying to parse my language into something sinister.

“Because of what she said. He was beating her mother.” Stating the obvious seemed to rile him.

“She could have been wrong?” His response showed his irritation with me.

“Objection”

“Sustained” I felt the judge was on my side the way he said it.

“Did you think she was truthful?” The fishing expedition continued.

“Objection. Calls for a conclusion.”

“Did you tell her about who you really were?” He seemed really frustrated.

The judge reacted quickly even before the prosecution could object. “Counsel, you have been warned. Unless you want a contempt charge, I suggest you drop that line immediately! Members of the jury, the court has allowed this child, who is a minor, to have her identity kept secret. Disclosure of her true identity could be injurious to a minor who is incapable of defending herself. As such, she is wearing a wig and dark glasses to keep her identity a secret. The last question is stricken from the record.”

My testimony went on for about an hour more with the defense council getting no where. I just kept answering honestly. David St. Jean sat there perplexed by the whole thing. He thought for sure his attorney would blow the lid off of my cover. But, more than that, I could tell he was trying to figure out who I was.

On cross examination, the prosecutor didn’t feel it was necessary. “No questions, your honor.” The defense’s direct examination of me had yielded nothing.

I left the courtroom and met Debbie in the hallway. She had already testified. I went into a room with her and sat with her Dad. Grandpa held my hand. To my surprise, Mrs. Murphy came in with Agent Carlson. I thought I had seen her in the courtroom, but the glasses they made me wear made it difficult to see the gallery.

“Good job! Samantha, you are a cool cucumber. You did exactly what you were supposed to do. Tell the truth and not let them rattle you. Just to let you know, by procedure, your testimony is over. They can’t recall you. This is the defense’s last hurrah. They were trying to show a rush to judgment and have all the evidence impeached and quashed. But, it didn’t work.”

“Thank you, Ma’am.” I felt rather proud.

“Too bad she couldn’t have testified as Samuel.” Grandpa said.

Mrs. Murphy responded kindly, but firmly. “That would have been awkward. The video tape showed a young woman and a young woman needed to be on the witness stand. Supplying the defense with her presence fulfilled the defense’s constitutional right to exam the witness against them. The court’s rules protecting undercover individuals meant they couldn’t find out who she really was because, while she wasn’t acting as a law enforcement officer, she was acting as an undercover informant with special skills. Her being a minor helped us to seal her real identity for good.”

Agent Carlson piped up. “What is really funny is that I found out that the defense requested information on flights to Tennessee during that time period to see what names were on commercial flights during that time period. That won’t help them because the flight to Arizona used a military call sign. Her name will never show up under any discovery. The defense is going to lose while scratching their heads as to who she really is. I love it.”

Mrs. Murphy sat down next to me and began to talk with me and Grandpa in French. “Salut, Samantha! Why do you think I came here?” She winked at me. “Look at my bodyguard talking with the father of the bride.”

I giggled and replied in French, “Has he asked her the question yet?”

“Not yet. But, the two men went for a walk this morning before the trial. I think someone asked the father for permission.”

“When will he ask her, do you think?”

“Well, your Grandpa is my security detail back to Nashville and for the next couple of days. Does that answer your question?” Grandpa smiled at the news and winked at me because he clearly put two and two together earlier.

I grinned. But she didn’t stop there. “And, I have asked Debbie to becoming my assistant in Denver. She is a sharp attorney. Her talents are wasted in the FBI if you ask me.”

“Has she said yes?” I was almost giddy, but hid it as best I could.

“Not yet. She is thinking about it. I could tell she wanted to say yes.”

Debbie’s Dad, Mr. Moore, wandered over to shake my hand. “Young lady, you are very talented. Is there nothing you can’t do?” I blushed.

“Thank you, Sir. I get it from my Mom and Dad. Oh, this is my father, Sir, Paul Miller.” The two shook hands.

“Please call me Duane. You do have a remarkable daughter. My daughter brags about her great cooking, great acting, great team playing, and her French, which I just heard a moment ago.” He looked at me as if he knew what we were talking about in secret.

“Thank you, she is amazing. She also can make her own clothes, does well in school, plays the piano and guitar, sings, and dances both on and off the ice too.” Dad was clearly proud of me.

“Oh my!” He looked at me and said in a low voice. “You dance? Can you teach me? I may need to do it soon with someone special.”

I stammered. “I-I wish I could.”

Dad interjected, “You and your wife must be real proud of Debbie. She is a fine person and we really have enjoyed knowing her.”

“Sadly, her mom died when she was a freshman in college. She was hit by a drunk driver on the way to work on a Monday morning.”

“I am sorry to hear that.” I said. “I suppose that is why she went into law enforcement.”

“Maybe. I knew she wanted to go into law. She has a fine legal mind.”

Both of them turned to find me crying. “Oh, I am sorry Samantha, did I say something wrong?” asked Mr. Moore.

Dan hugged me and looked back to Mr. Moore. “It’s okay, she lost her grandfather to a drunk driver hitting him in a crosswalk.”

Debbie heard this and put her hands on my shoulders. I turned to look at her and I could see a tear too. “I didn’t know how much we had in so much in common. I am sorry to hear of your losing your grandfather.” We hugged. “I am sorry to hear that you lost your Mom too.”

Debbie drove Mrs. Murphy, Grandpa, and me to Scotts AFB where a government plane was waiting for us on the tarmac. We got out with our luggage and some airmen helped us load it on the plane. We said our goodbyes.

As I hugged her goodbye, I said. “Have I told you I am able to make a wedding dress?”

She laughed. “Shut-up.”

“Yes Ma’am!” I saluted her.

“Enough now.” She really giggled at the salute. She was about to walk away when she turned and whispered in my ear, “Do you do alterations?”

I whispered back in hers, “Yes, any time, any where, for the bride, bridesmaids, groom, and groomsmen. Whatever you need. I am here for you. But, within the limits of what I can do.” The last part I added because of my working with Erin and Doug on boundaries. The truth was that I would do anything to help her out.

She whispered back into mine and winked. “One word to anyone and you aren’t invited.”

“Yes Ma’am.” I gave her an extra long hug. “See you next week.”

As I left, she quickly handed me a manila envelope. “Look it over on the flight back with no one looking.” She smirked at me.

Getting on the plane, I realized I wasn’t going to be a bridesmaid. But, I knew I would be part of the wedding and its planning. That is more than I hoped for in the beginning. After take off, I opened the envelope and looked inside. It was a list of musical selections for a wedding with sheet music for piano and some for guitar. I slide them back into the envelope. I liked how her mind worked.

After returning, our attention was on end of the school year stuff. Lafayette High School is a beautiful campus. Originally a small college campus, the building were old and stately. Newer buildings were interspersed between the more stately ones. The gym was designed to be able to hold two basketball games at once making it an ideal venue for the graduation ceremony. Like many schools in the area, graduation ceremonies were performed well before the actual last day of school. The only difference was that on the last day of school, the seniors were clapped out by the sophomores and juniors.

Not surprisingly, Doug could qualify as the class valedictorian. How could he not be? He often taught the calculus students and the teacher. But, in an unusual turn, Doug asked that he be allowed to be excluded from the process. The speech, he felt, ought to go to someone who worked for it all along. He could have easily graduated mid-semester, but held off because of me. And, lately, he held back because of Mary too.

The graduation robes were simple, as most are. But, underneath, Doug wore the tux I made for his prom date with Mary. Mary was dressed in the cocktail dress I helped alter for her prom date with Doug. It hugged her figure nicely, but gave up nothing too much because of its modest look. It had a high scoop neck made of lace with a sleeveless bodice underneath. It was royal blue. The belt was a ribbon with a bow off to the side. The dress came almost to her knees and was simply beautiful on her. It was classy and elegant. Drs Ryland attended and we joined them in applauding as he crossed the stage when his name was called.

I could see why Doug waited too. While not as tall as the other boys, Doug was not a midget at five-foot-nine. His features were handsome. In fact, he was more like Pierce Brosnan than ever. I could see why Mary was head over heals in love with him. I think even the Rylands noticed it too.

Afterwards, we all went to a fancy French restaurant nearby. Everything went well, but I could tell Doug’s mom was looking at me. She knew about the job I was doing, so it wasn’t the fact that I was dressed to the nines and looking very girly. No, it was the stare of a doctor sizing up their patient. I think she suspected that I was on hormones and figured out what was happening. Thankfully, she didn’t say anything.

To tell the truth, I had noticed that my skin was softer of late and that my body’s subtle changes were making me look more feminine. I even experienced my first self induced orgasm which I know will become a topic of discussion with Dr. Cramer. I knew that in the next six months, the changes in my body might become too hard to hide. I needed to sit down with Doug and discuss how much longer we could hide it before the surgery. It was going to be a race to see which came first.

But, this night was Doug’s. I went to the lady’s room and when I came out of the stall, Mary was coming in. I made sure that we were the only ones there.

“So, how are you going to handle Doug being away for the next school year?” I came straight out with the question that I knew was the hardest.

“I don’t know. It is going to be rough, but I know it has something to do with you. He just won’t tell me what.”

“Don’t hate me. Doug is going to help me come out to my parents after the first of the year. That is all I can tell you now. I know he will be back by the time we finish eighth grade. I know it is asking a lot of you, but stick with him. He loves you. But, please, can you do this for me?”

She hesitated for a moment and then saw the panic in my eyes. “Sure.” She smiled and put her hands on my shoulders. “You have been a very good friend, Samantha. The best I have ever had. I understand that you need the help and why. I can do it! I promise.” We hugged.

“Thank you. It means so much to me to have your support too.”

“How is it going with Tommy?” She gave me a concerned look.

“We are going to do pair skating with me to give me cover. He thinks that Dean was just a cover. But, I wish I could tell him that Dean could have been much more. But, that is not the problem.”

“What is the problem?”

“Tommy is cute and I like him too. When we are on the stings, we fight like boyfriend and girlfriend. I tease him. No, I taunt him and then I feel all different inside. There is a part of me that wants it to be real. And it is growing stronger. But, I know it can never be.”

“Too bad Dean packed up and left early. At least with him, you didn’t have to pretend about those feelings.”

“Yeah. Not having him in class these last few weeks has been rough. But, he worked it out with the teachers before our last ice dancing class. I didn’t know. He and his Mom left without saying a word to us. And then to leave by handing me a note. Ugh!”

The next weekend, Grandma flew with me into Dayton, Ohio, and we proceeded to drive to a home just west of Springfield. However, we stopped off at an old cemetery. The headstones were new and old. Burials as recent as last year were near ones where the person died in 1830. We made our way through a lot of headstones until she came up a row of stones with a huge marker behind them with the name Lawson. Grandma stopped in front of a grave of a little boy. His name was Benton J. Lawson. Judging from the dates, he died when he was four. Next to him was another grave. It was for a little girl. Her name was Grace L. Lawson. She died days shy of her eleventh birthday.

“Who are they Grandma?”

“The Lawson clan came to Ohio in the early 1800s along with other families. The Treaty of Greenville, 1789, opened up Ohio for settlement. There was a flood of migration from New Jersey, New York, and Vermont. Ezra Lawson moved his family here from Rutland, VT, and settled here to farm the land. You can see Ezra buried there next to his wife, Elizabeth. They were the parents of Benton and Grace here. The Lawsons are your great great great great grandparents.”

From a quick stop we had made earlier at a small store, Grandma pulled out a bucket, two foam sponges, two pairs of latex gloves, a gallon of water, and small jar of white vinegar and we began cleaning the lichen off of the headstones.

“You won’t know the reason the two children died from the headstones, but, Benton died of cholera and Grace died of dysentery. Both these diseases are spread through human feces. To put it bluntly, our poo. This was prior to the knowledge that germs were the cause of disease. In both cases, the mother, Elizabeth, had to watch two of her children die a horrible death. With cholera, the victim looks normal and then suddenly gets ill. They can’t keep it down or in. To put it bluntly, they vomit and poo to death in a matter of hours. Can you imagine what that was like to lose your babies like that? That must have left deep emotional scars. No parent wants to lose a child.”

“Is that why families were so big back then?”

“In part. It was normal even to have ten to twelve children. But, it was also normal to have only a few survive to adulthood. Some died in childbirth. Some from epidemics like cholera. Some through war and famine.”

I held onto Grandma and asked, “Tell me more about Elizabeth.”

“She was remarkable for that age. According to the family history, she was educated. Part of that was because of being Quaker. The Quakers believed in equality between the sexes. That was rare for a woman back then. Then again, being educated wasn’t normal for a man either. She knew how to read and write. She could play music. Although, the family history doesn’t mention the instrument she played. More than likely, she helped her husband, Ezra, with his business. They farmed and ran a mercantile store. So, her skill set would have included accounting and math. The Lawson women were smart and strong. They worked hard and put up with hardships we can’t even imagine.”

I started to clean Grace’s headstone. I couldn’t read the writing on it. But, some sort of inscription was there wanting to be read. After we cleaned the headstone and let it dry, Grandma gave me rice paper and we did a rubbing which revealed the words on the tombstone for Grace.

That merry shout no more I hear,
No laughing child I see,
No little arms are round my neck,
No feet upon my knee;

No kisses drop upon my cheek;
These lips are sealed to me.
Dear Lord, how could I give Grace up
To any but to Thee?

Grandma and I surveyed our work. The headstones were refreshed. She put her arm around me and said, “We shouldn’t forget what they forged here. They loved their children. We think as modern women that they were oppressed and stepped on. That is a wrong way to look at it. Frankly, in those days, disease added to the harsh and unyielding work that needed to be done in order to live was the real oppressor. It wasn’t until modern conveniences like the sewing machine or the washing machine came along that women finally found time to be free and demand their rights. And lest we think the men had it any easier, remember, they had to work the farm and that wasn’t any easier for them either. Even so, the temperance movement and the suffragette movements that would start in the late 1800s and early 1900s grew out of the woman here who learned to overcome adversity and passed that on to their daughters.”

On the way into Springfield, we stopped at a cemetery that was spectacular. It was designed like a park because, well, it was meant to be a park after a fashion. We drove to the center of Ferncliff cemetery and Arboretum.

“Do we have family buried here?” I asked.

“No. But, there is something here I want you to see.”

Grandma took me to the middle of the cemetery to a mound. She pointed out the graves. “These were men that served in the Civil War. It is called the GAR mound. Grand Army of the Republic. Men were allowed to be buried here because of an organization called GAR who fought for the rights of men who were in the Civil War. Because of them, a soldier could get help getting a pension from the government for wounds they had received. Because of them, a soldier could get a decent place for burial. In this section, there are over seventy graves of African-American soldiers. Your ancestor, Rachel Lawson Miller, whose husband Ezra served in the war, helped them get pensions and a decent place for burial. She was a member of The Woman's Relief Corps, an auxiliary to the Grand Army of the Republic. Many of the blacks were escaped slaves before they joined the colored regiment. Because of that unfortunate condition, they were illiterate and uneducated. She would help them file for a pension and get a pension. One other thing. GAR was integrated. Unlike other fraternal organizations at the time, like the Masons or the Odd-Fellows, the only requirement to be in GAR was to have served in the war or be a son or the offspring of someone who served in the war.”

Soon, we were in another two story house with a pool. Tommy came out to greet me and my grandmother. I thought about what I talked to Mary about that weekend. I had to be the best at teasing him and being there for him in his role. In a strange sort of way, I had come to enjoy Dean’s sacrificing his needs for mine. But, with Tommy, I was learning to sacrifice for Tommy’s needs.

We had caught more than forty men that weekend. Sunday, on the flight home, Tommy and I talked about the weekend. Grandma and Tommy’s mom were in several seats in front of us. We were alone in a row with two seats. Tommy let me have the window seat. I sat down and pulled my skirt underneath me and buckled up. Tommy raised the arms of the seats so that there was nothing between us. I looked out at the airport waiting for take off and crossed my legs. My hand fell between us and soon, we were holding hands. I looked over at him and he was reading a book and amazed me with his ability to still be turning the pages with his free right hand and holding the book at the same time.

I closed my eyes and imagined myself in the future holding my husband’s hand as we went off on our honeymoon. I thought about what he would smell like. I figured it would be some nice masculine smell all musky and strong. I considered what he would look like too. I liked the cleft chin of Tommy’s Dad. I began to think of what he would look like at a younger age. His chin gave him a chiseled jaw and the look of a man who had just come off a safari in Africa having made the discovery of a lifetime. Then I painted in my mind a picture of his Dad with a scruffy beard and sweaty face declaring that he had found the real source of the Nile to an anxious press corps. Filling in the picture, I realized that his magnificent head must be on a muscular, toned, and tanned body. Well fit! I could see his expedition clothes. His tan shirt unbuttoned down to the middle of his chest. His chest hairs could be seen and around his neck where a checkered scarf was tied. He was grungy and sexy. He was powerful and confident. He was noble and humble.

The start up of the engines shook me back to reality. The plane was being pushed back out for take off. They released the plane and it taxied into position to began its roll out on the runway. I felt the plane shimmy and shake as it rumbled down the runway picking up speed. Then, the moment of flotation when the nose picked up and a second later, the sharp ascent into the sky. Involuntarily, I squeezed Tommy’s hand as the wheels were pulled into the plane.

I turned to look at him reading one handed and amazed at how he could do that. He was so handsome. “What are you reading?” I casually asked.

“Lord of the Flies. It is on the reading list for next year. I want to read everything this summer so I have more time for sports in the fall.”

Somehow, I knew I was going to need to be his support for sports. The good news was that eight grade football was played on Thursday afternoons. So, we could continue with the stings. I wondered if I would have to show up to his games. And on what basis? He seemed to know what I was thinking.

“Are you going out for football?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“What position are you going to play? I honestly don’t know anything about football except for the scoring method.”

“I am a running back.”

“My Dad played halfback in high school.”

Tommy smiled and chuckled. “Today, halfbacks are called running backs. I am fast. I can run the 100 meter dash in under twelve seconds. I am a strong sprinter. And I can catch garbage thrown at me.”

I teased him and enjoyed it. I softly cooed, “How about quarterback? You did a great job throwing me at the rink!”

Tommy blushed. “Well, everyone wants to be the quarterback and make the calls. But they don’t get to dance in the end zone as much.”

I looked at the receding ground as we became part of the clouds and then back to Tommy with my head slight tilted down and looking back up at him. Tommy squeezed my hand, turned, looked down into my eyes, and said firmly, “We need to start dating.”

I was startled by his directness and tilted my head to the side as if to say I couldn’t believe what I had heard. “Your previous partner, Dean, didn’t know who you really were. I do. I need to develop a reputation of being your protector so I can do a better job. You need proper cover. We need to start dating.”

My eyes followed every word he said out of his mouth to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. I looked back up the cabin towards my grandmother and then back at him. I pursed my lips and sucked on my lower one to bite it. I silently nodded. “You can’t be afraid to be clingy or affectionate with me. And you can’t be controlling your boyfriend’s ability to protect you either like you did with Dean. I want you to hold on to me and be my girl so I can’t watch who is watching us. I should have caught the boy on the hill. That was my job. I am sorry I let you down. I hope you forgive me. I don’t intend to do it again.”

Tommy was taking command. And I wasn’t fighting him. He leaned into me and whispered into my ear. “Until this is over, you need to be all girl all the time and not feel you don’t have a team member in me. And, if you are wondering what is in it for me, then it is simple. The girls at school and around me get to see me as a good catch if I treat you right. Just like they did with Dean. But, he was too stupid to know what a break he had been given.”

I looked back into his eyes. He smiled and I just nodded. He went back to reading his book. I though about what he said. He wasn’t saying that he owned me. He was saying that I could relax and be a total girl around him and rely on him. He was confirming that he knew what his role was in protecting me and he would be my partner. I leaned my head on his shoulder, tilted my legs to be close to him, adjusted my skirt over my now parallel knees, curled my right arm around so as to put my hands on my lap so he could hold his book in his hands properly, and became his girl. I wasn’t as tentative as I was at the rink. I could feel him relax and breath a sigh of relief as he felt my accepting him. He turned and kissed my head. “There’s my sweet girl. I promise not to let you down and do a proper job of being your boyfriend.”

“I know you will. I really do.” I closed my eyes. For the rest of the short flight back to Nashville, I thought about that image I had of the gallant explorer who discovered the source of the Nile. It occurred to me that maybe he was sitting right next to me.

The next day, at school, Mrs. Duncan pulled me aside and gave me a list of students who had signed up for her summer Shakespeare course with their measurements. I looked over the list and gave her a brief time line on when I could get the costumes ready for them. She was disappointed that I would not be doing Shakespeare this summer, but understood why.

“So, you think you can help me?”

“Of course, I would love to help. It will mean I need a little assistance, but it will be easy.”

“I wish Mary could help too, but you say she will be helping you out with babysitting.”

“Yes, she and Doug are looking at it as a way of having family time together. It really is cute.”

“She is a smart girl. I can understand why she was the number one student this year. She beat you out by a half a point on her GPA adjusted scores. You were 4.35 and she was 4.4.”

“She did! Wow! Thanks for telling me. I never look at that stuff.”

“I am surprised she hadn’t mentioned it.”

Later, during choir, I pulled Mary aside. “How come you didn’t tell me you were the best student this year at school. Congratulations! I am so proud of you!” I hugged her.

I could tell she felt uncomfortable. “Mary, what is it?”

“I feel like I used you and Doug to get where I did. That’s not fair to you. I just felt like I had cheated you.”

“Yes it is fair. So what. You have helped me grow into the girl I have always knew I was. You are my friend. You got me through this year too. If anyone cheated, it was me. I feel like I used you to become who I am. I have robbed you of time with Doug. I love you.”

She looked at me and cried a little. “You mean it is okay that I beat you.”

“Of course it is. And you better not hold back either next year. Doug deserves the smartest wife in the world.”

“Wife!? You think we will get married one day?” She sounded dreamy.

“It is written all over both of you. You are meant for each other.”

Mary agreed to work with me on the costumes. As we worked on the costumes the next day, Mary had me tell her all about Tommy and our flight back to Nashville. No detail wasn’t gone over again and again. We giggled and plotted. After my trips to Canada and Australia, this was going to be an interesting summer.

The last day of school came. I said goodbye to all the friends I had made for the summer. This wallflower had begun to bloom. We promised we would keep in touch. Grace asked if I would be in choir next year and gave me the warmest of hugs saying she couldn’t wait to sing with me again. Vicki wanted me to go swimming with her or ice skating. First, before time with my new girlfriends, I had a month of intense traveling in front of me. I was going to be used for stings in Calgary and Winnipeg by the RCMP. Then, I was going to Australia for two weeks. But, first, I would be going to Boston with Natasha to show her the Freedom Trail as part of a diplomatic mission for the State Department and then a sting in North Adams, around the corner from my aunt and uncle.

Mom, Doug, and I got off the plane in Boston. We stopped at Harvard to let Doug check out the campus. Doug went in to get information about housing and get things set up for the fall semester. Dad and I just hung around on a park bench and watched people mill about.

“So, you still want to be a doctor?”

“Yeah, I most certainly do.”

“I like the clothes you did for Dad. I think it is a good look for him. I hadn’t realized what a difference it would make to have him wear a shirt that fits right or pants that weren’t too baggy in the wrong places.”

“Thanks Mom. All the guys look better. I appreciate the experience of making their clothes. They were a bit drab. They needed a woman’s touch.” I could see her stop to think about what I had just said.

Mom looked at the students walking by and said, “Are you looking forward to being yourself again.”

I thought about it for a moment as I watched the students too and carefully responded. “I don’t know. I guess so. I am just learning so much that I find myself dreading the day it stops.”

“I think that is why the doctor recommended you go on an exchange program to ease the transition. That way, you feel active.”

“Makes sense. Dr. Cramer says I will be a girl at school and a boy at home during that time. Then, come summer, I will be with uncle and a boy during the summer. Doug will be able to help then too.”

“We will miss you.”

I leaned into the my Mom and hugged her. “I will miss you all too.”

Doug came out. We went to a home where he would be staying. Being a minor still, he had to stay with a professor and legal guardian. The professor was a good friend of Doug’s Dad and would be a good place for him to stay. Apparently, Doug knew about this man all along. He would stay a day or so with him and catch up with us later in Greenfield via the Peter Pan Shuttle.

We headed off to Greenfield to stay with my aunt and uncle. Madame Lafarge and Natasha would be coming in later and staying with us. It would be good to see her again. Natasha and Evelyn were the same age too, which would make it fun. Doug would be joining me on the sting since my Dad would be in the next town over. With their basement finished out and the extra rooms they had in the house, everyone had their own room. But, we found out that was going to change soon.

“When are you due?” Mom was excited at hearing the news.

“Sometime in March. Right now, they are trying to pin down the time since I just got the test results back yesterday. They figure the first week, but, a sonogram in a month will tell them more.” Aunt Sandra rubbed her smooth belly. She didn’t look pregnant yet. Although, she had a glow about her. Appropriately, their house was big because she wanted a large family. I heard that she and Uncle Robert wanted six kids.

Evelyn looked at me a smiled. “I am going to get my very own baby to play with just like you have with the triplets.” I looked into their backyard and saw Tristan jumping up and down on the trampoline. Their backyard had no fence. I loved how it merged with the other homes around it. I visualized them playing together out on the lawn. I so wish I had been an older sister. But, taking care of babies, now toddlers, has been the best thing that ever happened to me. I hoped that coupled with the changes coming up this next year, I could just stay at home and continue to be a nanny to Alice, Carol, and Benjamin.

“Enjoy it Evelyn. It is the best feeling in the whole wide world to have a baby in your arms.” I grinned at her. “You wanna to go play with your dolls?”

She nodded and we hurried off leaving the adults to talk about having babies. Around three o’clock, the doorbell rang. I heard voices. Soon, Natasha was standing at Evelyn’s door with my mother. “Please, may I come inside?”

“Oh, Natasha! Are you leaning English? Es-tu en train d’apprendre l’Anglais? Please come in. Fait entree, s’il te plait.”

She came in. “Oui, je veux dire, yes, I am.” We gave each other a French ‘bise.’

“Voici ma cousine, Evelyn. This is my cousin, Evelyn. Evelyn, this is Natasha. Vous deux a le meme age. You both have … are … the same age.”

“Is this how you do it, cousin?” Evelyn gave Natasha a French ‘bise’ not quite as you are supposed to do. Natasha and I gave Evelyn a quick course in kissing your friends French style. We all giggled.

“Natasha, come in please. Join us.” Evelyn clearly was very excited to have someone her age from a foreign land. She handed her a doll. I leaned over and said to Natasha’s doll, “Comment t’appelle-tu? What is your name?”

Natasha sat down with us and smiled. “My nom es Annie-Claude. Pleazed to meet ewe!”

I picked up my doll and said, “Bonjour Annie-Claude, my name is Candy.”

Evelyn jumped in and introduced her doll. “My name is Margaret.” And then her doll gave Annie-Claude a ‘bise.’ Soon, all our dolls were giving each other kisses.

Mom continued to watch us. Soon, Aunt Sandra and Madame Lafarge came to the doorway and watched us playing. From where I was sitting, I could tell they were looking at each other and remembering their younger days. Aunt Sandra motioned for them to come join her downstairs and we kept playing. It was a great way for Natasha to learn English. Each doll could play a roll and it was lots of fun.

My doll asked Annie-Claude, “What is your favorite color? Qu’est que ce ton couleur préféré?”

Little by little, our little game became an English lesson for Natasha who clearly had fun in replying, “My favorite couleur es rose.” I played like the girl I am and responded, “Oh, I love pink too! How about you Margaret?”

“The rest of the time went like that. Finally, all good things must come to an end. About five-thirty, Aunt Sandra wandered in. “Ladies, it is time for us to get ready for dinner. We have a special place to go this evening for our guest, Natasha.”

Natasha looked at me perplexed. “Nous avons une reservation au restaurant pas loin d’ici. We have a reservation at a restaurant not far from here.”

We quickly got changed and washed up for our brief trip. Uncle Robert had come in by that time and greeted us all. He and Madame Lefarge seemed to hit it off.

“Thank you for being our personal historian on this trip, Mr. Miller.”

“Please, call me Robert. I am more than happy to oblige. I love teaching history. And to be able to show off my country, well, is a rare privilege.”

“Thank you. You may call me Lacey, please. What is this place you are taking us to that is nearby?”

“It is called the Publick House. It is about an hours drive. They serve authentic Yankee food in an old inn. Tomorrow, you will return to the same local and visit Sturbridge Village and see what life was like in the 1830s. Then, the next day, you will travel to Plimoth Plantation to see what life was like for the Pilgrims in 1627. And finally, I will take you into Boston to see the Freedom Trail so you can learn about the American Revolution. Which seems only fair since it was paid for with French money, Lacey.”

Madame Lefarge laughed. “You are right. I will love to see where our money went. Es-tu d’accord, Natasha?”

“Oui, Madame Lacey?” Natasha gave me a hug on the way out of the house. “Thank ewe. I luved playing dolls and learning Anglish.”

The seven of us piled into my aunt’s Honda Odyssey and headed down to Sturbridge. Aunt Sandra stayed behind because she was feeling morning sickness. Mom drove and Uncle Robert sat in the middle row. Evelyn sat in the front seat. Madame Lafarge sat next to Uncle Robert, And I sat in the back seat with Natasha and Tristan in the middle. Tomorrow, Uncle Robert was having to stay back in order to finish some end of the year work at school and prepare for summer school classes. But, for the moment, he was our instructor and he spent the time giving us a history lesson on the Massachusetts colony. I could see why he was popular instructor. He patiently waited out Natasha to see if she understood. He also allowed Madame Lafarge and I translate to Natasha. She learned about its history from the late 1500s to 1900.

Natasha said in French, “So, it is almost like Puy de Fou, Madame Lacey?”

Madame Lafarge responded in French, “Almost, Puy de Fou puts on productions that aren’t historically accurate. They are entertaining, but not accurate. Here, the ‘actors’ play someone from that time and teach you about what it was like to live in that day. They pretend to be really living in 1830 and they entertain you with a history lesson.”

Madame Lafarge took time to make sure Natasha understood what was being said. It was marvelous to see how much she cared for Natasha.

We arrived at the Publick house and had a nice dinner. We talked about many things and it was clear that Natasha was enjoying Evelyn and getting to learn about how she lived. We talked about school and things we liked to do. Both of them liked to ski. Both of them loved music. Both of them loved to get dressed up. They had so much in common.

On the way back, Natasha talked to me in French about the trip.

“Thank you, Samantha.”

“For what?”

“I would only learn about the family of a diplomat. But, here, I am learning about the family of an ordinary American in an ordinary town. The daily life is something I wouldn’t have seen if it weren’t for you.”

“You are welcome, my friend.”

When we got back, we sat outside on my uncle’s porch and talked more.

“Samantha, I need to ask you about you. No one is near to us. My security chef told me about you. Are you really a boy?”

“Yes, I am.”

“But, you seem so much like a girl. I would have never known.” She paused for a moment. A serious look came over her face. “Do you want to be a girl?”

She had me at a loss. How could I answer an eight year old girl without endangering the whole plan. And, if I told her, how could I expect her to keep the secret. Too many knew already. I looked down the street hoping for an answer that help. Doug would be here tomorrow having finished his tour of Harvard. He could help. But, that would be too late. Mom wouldn’t help. The question hung in the air and I had to answer it in a way that would work.

“Natasha, I am what I am. I cannot change that.”

She seemed to get excited as though she was telling me something that I hadn’t heard before. “Listen to me well, I hear that there is a surgery that can turn you into a girl. You can be a girl if you want.”

I didn’t react at first and then pouted. “That surgery turns me into a girl, true. But, I would never be able to become pregnant. Sadly.”

She kept up her assault on my stoic resolve. “You should consider the surgery. You seem very happy being a girl. I like you being a girl! I want you to stay a girl. I hate the idea of you being a boy.”

I looked down not wanting her to see what I was really thinking. “I will think about it, okay? We better go to bed. We have a long day tomorrow.” As we went inside, all I could think is that I wanted to tell her the whole truth. But, it would have to remain a secret until Doug pulled off his magic. At the top of the stairs, I stopped and took her hand. “Natasha?”

“Yes, my friend?”

“Thank you. I like being a girl when I am with you.”

She smiled as if I had said all I needed to say. We said our ‘bonne nuits’ and we were off to bed.

The next few days breezed by. At Sturbridge Village, she got to milk a cow and use a hammer and anvil. She marveled at how wool was made and how everyone dressed. The highlight of the day was a young couple with two children. They looked straight out of an old fashioned painting. The older girl, with her blond hair, was only six and as cute as a button in her long flowing dress and bonnet. Her sibling, which we took to be a girl also, was a in a similar bonnet and dress. The mother’s matched. They could have stepped out of a John Brewster painting from the early part of the 1800s.

Natasha, Evelyn, and I approached them. They looked stunning. The gentleman said that the clothing was really part of the regency and Georgian period. The time when George IV was regent king of England and then king of England. Styles changed slowly and the look was still popular in that area. He had a high straw hat on and a nice suit with a delicious dark brown vest that resembled the color of dark chocolate and a long billowy cotton shirt. His wife wore a dress in a muted green that was simple stunning against her white skin. It was the same dress color for both her children. One of whom turned out to be five, and then the other was her son, who just turned two. We found out that it was common in that day to dress the boys and girls the same until they were potty trained. It made it easier to change them out of their poopy diapers. The truth be told, the son looked stunning as a girl. I was jealous.

Natasha winked at me at finding out the youngest girl, was really a boy. Our highlight was a ride around the village in an old horse drawn carriage. The water mill was serene and pretty to behold. The covered bridge treated us to the sound effects of the two carriage horses pulling us along. All and all, it was a terrific stop on our tour of New England.

The next day, Uncle Robert pulled some strings and got us an overnight stay at Plimoth Plantation. We dressed as pilgrims and milled about. I loved being in a 17th century dress. Evelyn and Natasha giggled when I came out dressed in it because they knew what I really was. Never the less, I had a bonnet and a dress that went to the ground. We met the re-enactors as they went through their day. Seeing them live life daily took some of the puritanical sting out of the history books. Instead of being the ridged and foreboding folk I expected, they were human and caring. I heard them talking about a girl being in a family way that was unmarried and holding the offender to marrying her and making it right. The way they talked gave me the impression they were concerned for them rather than wanting to win an argument over what is right or wrong in God’s eyes.

I even came to learn from my uncle that puritans were quite understanding of human sexual needs. In fact, they felt those who withheld their bodies from their spouses were actually doing the work of the devil. They believed that the marriage was supposed to be a place of sexual expression. This betrayed almost everything I had heard about them in history class. They had strong families and loved people. I almost got the impression that instead of shunning me for my being a girl in a boy’s body, they would have showed me compassion and love rather than condemnation. The more I got to know these people, the more I loved them too.

We slept that night in a real pilgrim style home. But, there were decent facilities with real toilets behind the hut. So, we didn’t have to use chamber pots. We ate a real pilgrim meal and talked to re-enactors who taught us about pilgrim life.

The most interesting part of the trip to Pilmoth Plantation for Natasha was the next day when we visited the Wampanoag Indian Village. Natasha loved learning every thing Indian. She especially loved seeing the Indians in their native dress. But, the crowning touch was running into a group of French scouts. I found out, much to my surprise, that they were coed. They were being led by a first class Boy Scout from a local Boy Scout Troop. Their English was spotty and he spoke no French. Natasha sat back and watched me as I teased him.

“How come you don’t speak French. Pourquoi tu ne parles pas Français?”

The scouts all giggled as I ribbed him and told him that lots of Americans spoke French in French and winked at the group. After a bit of teasing, Natasha and I spoke with them about what we had all learned. They were thrilled to have met the daughter of the French Ambassador to America and said that she should join scouts when she gets back home.

The final day of our trip, we went to see Boston and travel the Freedom Trail. When we returned back to my uncles, Natasha asked me in French, “Would you like to visit my belle France?”

“Oh yes! I would. I want to go visit Juliette’s family in Harfleur and see the Eiffel Tower. I want to visit the beaches of Normandy. I was to go to Giverny and see where Monet painted. I want to visit the Louvre and the Musée D’Orsay. I want to see it all.”

She thought for a moment. “Do you wish to visit it as a boy or a girl?”

I giggled. “Ce m’est egal. I don’t care. Mais, but, it would be nice to visit it as a girl.”

Doug came out onto the porch and we had a good talk about France and America. Madame Lafarge and Mom eventually came out to join us.

Madame Lafarge said, “I want you to know that this has been a fantastic visit. You have treated us so well. We saw and learned things we never thought we would. And, Natasha got a chance to meet real Americans and learn how they live.”

Uncle Robert spoke for all of us, “You’re welcome. We are the ones who are honored. It isn’t often that we get to have such wonderful company visit us.”

“Nevertheless, I have to thank most of all you, Samantha. You not only saved Natasha’s birthday party, but you have been such a gracious and kind girl to have hosted us. I really did treat you badly and I am sorry. I wish we didn’t have to leave tomorrow.”

“Please, I enjoyed the party. And, I love how you take care of Natasha. You treat her like she is your own child.”

The next day, after saying our goodbyes to Madame Lafarge and Natasha, Mom drove Doug and I to a home in North Adams. Mom was going to stay with Uncle Robert and Doug would be my official chaperon for the weekend’s sting. When we arrived, I saw Tommy waiting for us on the front porch. I have come to really like seeing him there when we arrive at a sting. He came down to help. I stayed with him. I didn’t simply give him a French ‘bise.’ I really kissed him on the cheek. He took my suitcase and we held hands going up to my room. This was not lost on either Doug or Mom.

“Mrs. Miller. Can we talk for a moment please?”

Mom was perplexed, but nodded yes. “My coach at school lectured us sternly during spring practice. He pointed out that a good team member plays their position and encourages the other players to do their best. But, as he stressed, we must all act as a team. The other day, I asked Samantha if we could be a team both on and off the field. That means whether we are on stings or at home, we play boyfriend and girlfriend. I really blew it when I didn’t see the boy on the hill. I know it was covered by Samantha. But, based on what my coach taught me, it was because I wasn’t doing the job I had been assigned. I know who Samantha really is. I also know that she can do a better job if I play my role as I should. So, I have asked for us to start dating. That will give me a chance to do a proper job during the stings and be less distracted. I hope that is okay with you. I know you had set rules with Dean. But, Dean didn’t know. I do. Still, I wanted to ask your permission to date your daughter.”

I could tell my mother was impressed with his explanation and his logic.

“I think I would be okay with that. The dating rules were meant to protect Dean. But, you don’t need to be protected in the same way. You need to protect her which pleases me. It makes sense. As long as you don’t fall for her.” Mom laughed at the last comment.

I giggled too. “I am sure he won’t, Mom. He thinks it will attract a few girlfriends at school after our job is finished.”

Mom laughed again. “I think it probably will.”

Tommy took my hand and we headed upstairs. When I got downstairs, I had to meal plan for an extra day. Since we were out of school, we we doing two sting days instead of one. Tommy and I began to prepare dinner together. I thought since we were in New England that we would have bangers and mash tonight. Tomorrow, shakshuka with poached eggs in the morning for breakfast. For lunch, it would be Monte Cristo sandwiches. For dinner, a classic Yankee pot roast with apple pie. For our second day, it would be Christmas Sausage Casserole in the morning, Philly steak sandwiches for lunch, and lobster newburg for dinner with Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia.
My Dad, some years ago during his college days, grabbed a knock off recipe from Anthony’s Pier Four in Boston for lobster newburg. I had been dying to try it out since he gave it to me a month or so back.

Tommy and I peeled potatoes together. Instead of being stand offish, I began to snuggle next to him and show him affection while peeling. His permission to act all girl would give me the chance to explore what being a girl meant in a relationship.

“So-o, what movie are you going to take me to see on our first date?”

“When will you be back?”

“End of June. I am going to Canada then Australia.”

“How about Armageddon? It is about an asteroid that could hit Earth.”

“I was thinking maybe Mulan or Truman or The Man in the Iron Mask. You can always sell me on something romantic.”

“Girls!” He rolled his eyes and smiled. “So, you don’t want an action flick or a horror movie I bet?”

“Not especially horror. Maybe action. But, then again. I could see a romantic movie and drag all my girlfriends to see it with me. Then, if you show up, you could show off what a nice guy I have to them. Of course, provided you don’t take me to a horror movie. After all, you are in charge.” I leaned over and gave him a peck on the cheek. He blushed.

“Okay. The Man in the Iron Mask sounds good. Should have action in it. So does Armageddon according to what I have heard. It is romantic too.”

“And r-romance! Thank you.” I titled my head towards him.

“You are going to enjoy this being all girl, aren’t you?”

“Yup!” I hugged him. He smiled. We started cutting up the potatoes and putting them on to boil. I prepped the bangers and onions. Soon, everything was done and we plated the dinner. Everyone at the table was having a good time. I sat there with my small portion and flirted with Tommy. He pretended that it was driving him crazy. But, I could tell by his smile, he thoroughly enjoyed it.

Debbie and I were chatting after dinner when I heard the news. “Carlson asked me to be Mrs. Schmidt.”

“And?”

“I said yes!” We squealed like two little girls.

“When is the wedding?”

“Because of my Dad’s health and some other factors, it will be August 22nd. But, in order for me to pull it off, I am going to need help from you.” She looked at me with pleading eyes. “Do you mind?”

I grinned from ear to ear. “When my Mom comes to pick me up, we can go over the schedule, but yes. I can do alterations and music. Where is the wedding going to be?”

“Well, here is the lovely surprise. Carlson is from Birmingham. And, because of the short notice, your grandfather pulled some strings. We are going to be using some facilities just off of Shiloh Battlefield at a church there. It is close to his home and it means that we have three major airports nearby to serve the wedding. Nashville, Memphis, and Birmingham.”

“Plus, it means that I can easily travel to the wedding site and help you! What about your job with the FBI?”

“Bill and your grandfather will pick up the security detail for the Murphys during our honeymoon. I am accepting a position as Murphy’s assistant, so, I will be leaving the FBI soon. And, it will mean that I have to move to Denver in the near future. Although, Carlson has been talking to her. She may, after the trial, move to the St. Louis office. That is why she was in St. Louis for the trial of David St. Jean.”

“Do I dare ask about where you are going on your honeymoon?” I giggled.

“No, but I sure could use some basic French lessons.” Debbie gave me a coy look and winked.

“Mind if I ask one more question?”

“No, what is on your mind?”

“Do you have your Mom’s wedding dress?”

“Oh my, that has possibilities. I like that idea. I will ask my Dad. I should know by the time you get back from Australia. But, I hadn’t thought of that. I was going to ask my aunt to stand in for her too.”

The sting went very well. They caught a huge amount of men which meant that we were almost at seventy-seven by the time my mom came early to pick us up. She had a surprise for me. My Dad was with her and my flight reservations had been changed so I could be taken up to Montreal to fulfill my Canadian obligations to the RCMP. I thought Tommy might be disappointed when I found out that he would be joining me later.

Before heading to Montreal and meeting up with Grandpa, we stopped off at St. Jean-sur-Richeleau to see Yvonne. I liked their new home. It was comfortable. Madame De Champs was a waitress in an Italian restaurant in town. It had a brick oven and made the most wonderful pizzas in the world. I found out from Yvonne that the town had mostly Italian food.

We took a walk along the river nearby a hotel. It was serene and beautiful.

“How did your testimony go in St. Louis?”

“They kept trying to ask questions about you. But, the judge kept telling the no. I had to tell the court, through many tears, about how I was raped. It was not fun. I hope they put him away for life!”

“From what I hear, they can’t. But, according to the law, once he finishes his time in the United States, he will have to come to Canada to serve whatever time he has to serve here. Then, both countries will deport him.”

“That trial starts soon. After the trial finishes in the states. I will have to testify again. They might have to call you in to testify here.”

“The crown informs me that the same rules apply here as they do in the states. They won’t know who I really am.”

“Are you scared?”

“No, I think I will be fine.”

“I am. I have to face the men who raped me again. But, they tell me they will stand with me and support me during the trial.”

We sat down on a bench and I held my friend for a while. We just watched the water flow by serenely. Eventually, one of us got the nerve to break the still air. “Yvonne, I wish I could be here all the time for you.”

“I wish you could too. I am making friends here though. Language isn’t a barrier here for me like it was in Tennessee. I love school. I am going to have a good life. Thank you for being there for me when I needed you most. None of this would have been possible without you. I would never have opened up to the police. Having someone my own age made me feel safe to talk. I was so scared when they picked me up.”

We sat there, held each other, and cried some more. Just the two of us. Good tears. Tears that cleared the air. Tears that watered the new ground we were standing on. We hugged and said goodbye. We would see each other again. Bonds like these can never be broken.

With that visit over with, Dad and Mom drove me up to Montreal. We went into the downtown to a restaurant called “Ben’s.” Ben’s had been around since the early part of the century serving the best smoked meat food in the world. We had a special meeting with Dr. Lefevre and two people whom we had never met before.

Mom and Dad were introduced to Madame Isabelle and Monsieur Jean-Claude Beauchamps from Myers Bluff. They were in their forties and a really nice couple. I knew something about them that Doug told me about. Madame Beauchamps’ brother committed suicide because of being rejected by the family. He was transgender and rejected when he came out. She has been looking for redemption for years. Doug made the arrangements for me to stay with them so they could help me come out to my parents. While in Myers Bluff, I would be seeing Dr. Lefevre to complete my official diagnosis of GID. They were aware of my role for the police and why I need a transition time next year. But, they also knew that it was an option for me to stay a girl with them.

The most important thing was for them to meet my folks and for them to get comfortable with them. And, thanks to the great smoked meat, that was easily accomplished. After that, we met up with my grandfather at the airport. He and I flew to Calgary.

At the airport, we met up with Tommy and his Mom. A constable with the RCMP greeted us and took us to a home in the outskirts of Calgary. It was strange to be able to see forever. I hadn’t realized the full extent of the plains and how far one can see. I can understand the term ‘Montana Sky.’ To help me understand this part of the continent better, Mom picked up a book for me to read called “The Horse Whisperer.” I bet she didn’t realize how racy certain parts could be. But, I loved the scenes with the horses and the story. I hope they make it into a movie.

The best part of reading the book was having Tommy’s arm around me as I read it on the porch of the two story home. He has a talent for snuggling and I have a talent for clinging. We make a good pair. We found out that they wanted to do the sting now because in a little less than a month, the Calgary Stampede was going to be held. They wanted to keep it clean as possible. I got the impression that they wanted to warn off child predators more than catch them. I was okay with that. It would mean that we wouldn’t have to testify.

The changing landscape also seemed to reflect my relationship with Tommy. Like the plains, there seemed to be nothing between us. He knew what I was and I knew what he was. It was like a marriage of convenience in some respects. I could pull my legs up on the couch and lean against him this time. The RCMP agents were fine cooks. They took over the kitchen duties, so we had little to do except read and hold hands. The truth be told, the whole week, whether it was Calgary or Winnipeg, I was happy and so was Tommy. So, we did a lot of talking. While they set up for a sting, Tommy and I snuggled on a front porch swing and watched the plains one day.

“What do you want to be when you grow up, Samantha?”

“Either a pediatrician or an OB/GYN.” I said dreamily.

“The later one means that means you would take care of girl parts, right?” Tommy chuckled as if to say it sounded strange.

“Yeah. I guess so. It does sound a little creepy, doesn’t it?” I hadn’t thought about it that way.

“I can never understand how a guy can turn that off so he can doctor them. I mean, to be honest, like most guys, I would be drooling.” I appreciated Tommy’s frankness.

“I guess I will have to ask Doug about it. I know he wants to be a gynecologist. And frankly, he has never told me why. I never thought to ask him. But, when he and I delivered that baby last December, I never thought about what I was looking at. I was just thrilled to see a baby born out of the birth canal. I never thought about the part of the body that it came out of until you mentioned it. At the time, it was magical. Even now, it is.”

“You helped deliver a baby? I didn’t know that. How did that make you feel.”

“Yes, I did. I felt great catching the baby. And then I saw her breast feed her infant child. I can’t explain it, but it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. When I see a woman’s body, I see the crucible of human life. I see a body that is totally designed to take a man’s seed, turn it into a new life, give birth to that life, and then nurture that life until it can take care of itself. That is an incredible responsibility.”

“I hadn’t thought of it that way. To be honest, I fear that I am more like Josh and it scares me. I have thoughts about seeing a girl without her clothes and doing you know what. Dad says that it is the hormones in my body that are affecting my brain. Do you think that way yet?”

“No. Not really. I guess I will think about having sex one day. But right now, I seem to enjoy just making friends for the first time. That reminds me, what about Diane?”

“Oh, that was to through Dean off the scent. Diane isn’t my girlfriend. Although, I did ask her. She said no.”

“Do you know Cat?”

“Yes. He is a really good artist. But what does that have to do with being a doctor?”

“He did a painting of me. Did you know that? It is beautiful. Remind me to show it to you some time.”

“No, I didn’t know that. Yes, I would like to see it.”

“So, are you going to learn a foreign language? What have you chosen?”

“Yeah, I have to. I think I will take Spanish.”

“I could help you with French.”

“True. I will keep that in mind. Maybe I will chose it.”

“Good. Because I would like to show you a soap that will get the stink out of your uniform when you play football this fall.”

“How did we get to laundry from my asking you what you want to be when you grow up?”

“I dunno. It just did. Oh, I get back at the end of the month, so, you want to do a movie on the 29th at the mall?” I giggled.

“Okay. But how did we get to a movie from my asking about what you want to do when you grow up?”

“Relax, Tommy. I am being a girl just like you asked me. Get used to it. Did you like ‘Lord of the Flies?’ I really like this book my Mom bought me.”

“Yeah, it was good book.”

I kissed him on the cheek. “You really are going to have to do a better job of keeping up with me.”

Tommy scratched his head with his free hand. “Let me know if Doug switches from being a gynecologist to a psychiatrist? I think I may need one after this conversation.”

“I will let Doug know. Oh, speaking of psychiatrists, what do you think about weddings?”

Tommy was very grateful that we were called back in. I think his head was about to explode.

With our Canadian obligations over, we passed through American passport control and flew back to Nashville. Apparently, Tommy asked his mom about our conversation switching topics so frequently and she said the same thing. Get used to it.

I didn’t have much time to prepare for my next trip. I packed for a cold climate. I looked over my Aussie passport. It was all I would need. No visa requirement. No immigration control. Just customs. Like last time, we were met by the AFP. We felt special from the first moment. It was Superintendent Stanley who met us and treated us to a ride to the American Consulate in Sydney.

“So good to see you again. I have heard so many good things about you Samantha. Making the French ambassador's daughter feel special for her birthday and showing her New England!” Mr. Abernathy greeted us and had Superintendent Stanley come in too. Constable Leonard was waiting for us. He was Abernathy’s security guard now. Grandpa introduced Mom around to everyone. Mom enjoyed meeting everyone and kept looking at me while they told her stories about me.

Our visit would allow us to visit properly the sites we had seen on our last visit. First up, we were headed to Adelaide to visit the Crawfords. Duncan and Trent were thrilled to see me again. This time, there wouldn’t be any swimming pool time. However, my reputation as Trent’s girlfriend had grown legendary and I heard that I was expected to be so again followed by a few snickers. But first, before we did anything, there was some business they had to do first. Mr. Abernathy got all formal with Grandpa. “Roscoe Milsap, on your behalf, I accepted this award for your heroic action in saving a little girl from being kidnapped. Here you go!”

Mom looked baffled. “When did you get your name changed?” It was explained to her that Mr. Abernathy accepted the award on Grandpa’s behalf and he was obliged to pass it along.

The next day, we flew to Adelaide. Sergeant Crawford met us at the jet bridge as we exited the plane. I ran up to him and hugged him like the girl I am. He was was a bit surprised, but hugged me back. “Hey, babe. Its good to see ya. Boys missed ya cooking.”

Grandpa sauntered up to him with a wry smile and shook his hand and patted him on the shoulder while I was still hugging him. “Oi, that’s me granddaughter you’ve kidnapped James. I may have to report you to the authorities if she doesn’t let you go.”

Sergeant Crawford let out a really good belly laugh, “Let a Yank into your life and all hell breaks lose, eh?” Sergeant Crawford patted me on the head and then mussed my hair. “So nice to have you back, Robert! Did you all have a good flight?”

“Yes. And this is my daughter-in-law, Samantha’s mother, Pamela. Pamela, this is James Crawford. He is a sergeant in the Australian Federal Police force.”

“A real pleasure, Ma’am. We loved being her adoptive parents for a few days. You have done an excellent job in raising her. We are really looking forward to showing you Adelaide properly this time.”

I clung to him as we walked to baggage claim. We collected our luggage and put it in the back of Sergeant Crawford’s van. He took us straight away to his home. The moment I came out of the van, karma struck. Trent came up to me and hugged me just like I had hugged his dad. I hugged him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “Hey, Aussie boyfriend, how is it cracking?”

“Better check his room first, Darling?” came a whimsical voice from the front door. I looked over. It was Mrs. Crawford having a good laugh.

“Mum!” said Trent, obviously annoyed with his mother’s teasing.

“Mrs. Crawford, is his room clean?” I couldn’t help it. I loved teasing him too.

“Yes it is, so it looks like you have a boyfriend for a few days.” I held his hand as he led me to the door proud of his conquest. “I love being here again, Mrs. Crawford. It is a lot colder than when I was here last. How cold will it get tonight?”

“Could drop down to zero degrees or lower. That would be thirty-two degrees or less on the Fahrenheit scale. So, we will likely have a frost tonight.” I gave her a hug as we came in.

“Did you talk to the boys about how to treat female guests?”

“Yes, I remembered, hon. They have been told to keep the seat down.”

Sergeant Crawford followed us in. “Honey, this is Pamela, Samantha’s mum. Pamela, this is my wife, Angela.”

My mother and Mrs. Crawford hugged. “Thank you for taking such good care of my daughter. She said you all were very sweet and kind to her.”

We ladies assembled in the kitchen and began to plan the next few days’ meals. We wanted to balance Aussie meals with American ones so we could exchange our cultures. Truth be told, we weren’t that much different in what we ate. But, I knew that my beef brisket was going to be a huge success. Mom and I shared a room. The boys doubled up in a room and my grandfather slept in one of theirs.

After an Aussie dinner of lamb chops, we went to bed. Mom and I did our evening ablutions and dressed for bed. I wore a really cute ‘Hello Kitty’ nightshirt. I chuckled at how girly I was as I looked into the mirror. That was the idea. It was designed to fool the boys, Duncan and Trent.

I went into our shared bedroom. We sat on the bed and brushed our hair.

As I was brushing Mom’s hair, I asked, “Mom, why does Tommy feel guilty that he didn’t spot the boy on the hill? It seems unimportant. But, it has bothered him since.”

“You may not like the answer. You sure?”

“Yes.”

“Boys and men have fragile egos. When it comes to the job they are assigned, they don’t like finding out they aren’t superheros. They don’t like hearing their mistakes or that they are powerless as they are. So, he has come to the conclusion the reason you, as a boy, haven’t been bothered by it comes down to the fact you are playing a girl.”

“So, if I play all girl with him, then he thinks he won’t make that mistake again.”

“Yes.”

“That’s silly.”

“That is the way a boy thinks. So, why are you saying yes to being all girl?”

“I don’t know. I think it is because it feels good to looked after. He pulls a chair out for me. He opens the door for me. It is kind of sweet. I always thought that is why Dad does it for you. Because he is tender and sweet to you. I like the way he treats you.”

Mom grinned and blushed. “Yes, your Dad is a very tender man with a tender heart. And you are right. There is a huge difference between a man pulling the chair out because they feel superior and a man that does it because his heart is tender and loves and respects you.”

“Is that why Dad doesn’t mind losing the argument to you?”

“You mean that I give him the final say and he does it my way even though he thinks his way is better?”

“Of course.”

“Believe it or not, your Dad is often right in those arguments and I have to say I am sorry afterwards. But, he also finds a way to make my way work so that everything turns out fine anyway. No one ever notices, but I do. That is the difference between someone who truly loves you and someone who rules you. Your Dad lets me win and helps me win without holding onto a grudge.”

“You both make such a good team. I hope I marry as well.”

Mom started to brush my hair out. “Have you figured out what kind of girl you want in your future?”

“No, but being a girl has taught me that some girls are shallow and some are deep. Mary is very thoughtful. Grace can have the depth of a raindrop on hot pavement some days and the ocean the next. I have also learned that girls are vulnerable to their feelings of self worth because of looks. Guys not so much. So, girls make bad choices because they feel worthless about how they look when they aren’t.”

“Sad, but true. I have known too many girls who, because of low self-esteem, would do something dumb just to prove they were worth something.”

“Like jumping into bed with someone to try and keep them?”

Mom rolled her eyes. “Yes! I wish I could say that doesn’t happen. And I think you saw that happen with Tickles and Robert. Just so you know. I am so glad you introduced him to Juliette.”

“Can you help me understand something else?”

“Sure, Honey. What is it?”

“Debbie is having me sing this song for her wedding. And there is a lyric I don’t understand. It goes, ‘Woman draws her life from man and gives it back again.’ What does that even mean?”

“Oh, that is a wonderful song. Your Dad and I had it sung at our wedding. The lyric is really a sweet reference to the various cycles of life together as a couple. Biologically, I could not conceive of you, your sister, or your brother without the biological contribution from your Dad. And with his contribution, I give life back to him that he by himself cannot have without me in his life. Emotionally, I draw love from your Dad which enriches my life. I in turn give that love back to him which enriches his life. Physically, I enjoy your Dad’s kind of strong support. In turn, I give it back to him with my kind of strong support. Together, we make a home, a team, and a couple. Together, we make a life worth living.”

“Ahhh, that is sweet!”

“Yes, it is.” Mom sniffed a little. “What else is she having you sing?”

I excitedly said, “A Beatles song, ‘Here, There, And Everywhere,’ and an Enya song, ‘Marble Falls,’ I sing at the beginning of the ceremony before the wedding march. ‘The Marriage Song’ by Peter whatshisname when they stand at the alter before the minister administers the vows and they take their vows. Before their first kiss, ‘Raised on Love’ by Justin Hayward. And, after they exit, I will sing ‘For Once in My Life’ by Stevie Wonder.”

“Wow! Do you mind? I mean, that is a lot of singing.”

“True. I am going to ask Mary to help. That way we have a backup singer in case I lose my voice or something.”

“She really is asking you to do a lot. I am not sure it is fair.”

I began to cry. “I need to do this Mom. I want to do this.”

Mom turned and looked at me with a worried expression. “Why?”

“Because, it will be the first year anniversary of saying goodbye to Cybil. It’s helping me heal. I still miss her.”

Mom took me into her arms. “Something tells me you need to cry.” I held onto her and sobbed for about ten minutes. “It will be okay, Honey.”

“Thanks for letting me cry, Mom. It still hurts every so often.”

“That is what I am here for Pipsqueak.” Even Mom was calling me Jane’s nickname for me. It felt good.

“Why do you think Debbie and Carlson decided to get married so fast?” I asked.

“Age, maybe. They were ready to get married. Could be they were tired of living alone. Any number of reasons. You grow up and find you miss having a family and coming home alone isn’t so fun anymore.”

She continued to hold me and stroked my back to soothe me. It helped. And then she changed the subject. I think it was to help keep my mind off of Cybil. “My little girl is growing up too. Soon, you will a teenager. Then one day, I am going to have to say goodbye to you too one day at your wedding.”

As I regained my composure, “I know. But, I hate the idea of becoming a teenager. I wish I could skip it and just go straight adulthood.”

“Why, I would think you would be excited to become one. They can be great years.”

“They are also the years without cartwheels.” I pouted.

“What?” Mom gave me this look as though I said something strange. I guess I did.

“Mommy, every see a teenager do a cartwheel? They stop playing. They stop doing cartwheels.”

“You don’t see me do cartwheels? I am just like a teenager in that respect.”

“But you smile and giggle when I do them. You appreciate them even if you don’t do them. Teenagers don’t want to have anything to do with them. They think cartwheels are beneath them. I don’t want to become a teenager and forget how important cartwheels are.”

Mom hugged me and laughed. “I am sure you won’t, Honey, I am sure you won’t.”

The trip to Australia flew by. The meals in Adelaide were great as was the tour. It was sad to say goodbye. We headed next to Melbourne. The highlight was that I had a great time at Sovereign Hill. I joined a group of fifth grade students. They gave me an exemption to participate because I was from the states. I showed the students there a picture of me dressed as a Pilgrim and a picture of me at Sturbridge. I learned that boys got educated if their parents had money. Girls did too, but they were really supposed to learn how to keep house and braid their hair.

We flew back to the states and I had the shock of my life when we walked into the heat of summer. Still, it was good to be home at last. July and August would be a season of change. And, meeting with Dr. Cramer to discuss recent issues would be a great help too.

“It’s called traumatic masturbatory syndrome. And, I say officially stop it now. But, given your gender issue, it may not be harmful at all. If you were to remain male, however, it would likely result in impotence. It is not a normal way for a male to masturbate.”

I had just finished telling Erin about what happened with Dean which led to a discussion of sexual fantasies and what I did about them. I confessed that I did have strong desires of late and had experienced an orgasm. It totally shocked her to find out that instead of experiencing it while erect, I had the orgasm while I was limp. And that led to her finding out how I did it. She said another name for it was prone masturbation. All of which was confusing to me.

“The important thing, Samantha, is that you are starting to react sexually to the opposite sex, or rather, what will be the opposite sex when your transition is complete.”

“Good to know. What does it mean?”

“It means that boundaries are more important than ever for you. And we will continue working on that. In the meantime, I think we should discuss what Tommy considers ‘partner’ to mean. What do you think he means when he says he is your partner?”

“Based on our talks, he means that his job is to cover my identity. Which means if I want, he can take dance classes with me or skating classes. It also means that we are ‘dating.’ Doing things together.”

“What are you going to do when you start to feel the way you are acting?”

“I don’t know. All I know is that for the next six months, I get to be a girlfriend and I like that.”

“All right. I just insist you be careful. You are beginning to feel your true self.”

After the meeting with Dr. Cramer, Mom dropped me off at the mall. I saw Tommy and ran up to him and hugged him. He hugged me back. “That was a long two weeks. Did you have a good time in Australia?”

“Yes. But I am having a better time now. What movie are we going to see?”

“Truman. There are bunch of movies coming out next month that are way better. Iron Mask is no longer showing. So, I figured out that this is a good test movie.”

I took his arm and we walked to the ticket window. He gave them some coupons and we got tickets for the movie. “Where did you get the coupons?”

“Debbie gave them to me. They want us to spend more time together, so they are picking up the tab for us being together. Do you mind?”

“No. I think I am going to like this dating thing.”

“Good. Because I want to get in lots of practice.”

We came in from the door to the top row and went as low as we felt comfortable. I let Tommy guide me to what he thought were the best seats available. We held hands and enjoyed the movie. I snuggled and he snuggled back. We really enjoyed the movie. When the lights came up, my world was turned upside down.

Sitting a few rows in front of us was Grace from school. Sitting with arm around her was Dean. I looked at Tommy who recognized what was going on.

Instead of panicking, I let him embrace me and pretend to be kissing me what he watched them leave.

Now I had a new problems to consider.

Why was Dean back? And for how long? And why was he with Grace?

Copyright © 2017 by AuP reviner

[Author’s note:

Please take time to watch this video. It will break your heart. As I write Samantha’s story, it is the reality of what evil is going on in the world that breaks my heart the most.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IbOSX7vSGTE

Sniff sniff. This video gets to me. Gotta go blow my nose. Until next time. – AuP ]