Safe to Play Chapter 1

It would seem that my life came crashing down on me on one fateful April evening. My sister Allison and I are walking home when I hear a squeal for help to the right of us. I may be a bit on the small side, but with my baseball bat in hand I head in that direction where I saw three boys beating up a girl and had her pants all the way off as if they were trying to force her into having sex with them.

I run up to them and bash all three guys with my bat. One collapsed after I had shattered his knee, the second, doubled over in pain after I seemingly crushed his ribs. The third tried to get away but he got the worst as I bashed him in his back.

I go to help the girl to her feet after saving her but she saw me as someone trying to attack her and she kicked me down below with her heels causing me to collapse and go unconscious.

When I woke up, I was in a daze not knowing where I was but I see my mother sitting beside me.

She notices I'm awake and says to me:

“You were very brave to do what you did. People are calling you a hero.

The girl you saved is ok now but she was very shaken up after the incident.”
I say nothing at this point as I’m trying to fight tears from falling, in doing so I realize that I’m no better than the people I stopped from hurting that girl.

My mom comes over to me and says “I know what you must be thinking right now and I need to apologize to you sweetheart. Seeing you miserable for so long outside of Baseball made me feel like I had done something wrong. Here I come to find out that my kid is miserable because they feel they can’t be their true self.”

I was about to respond to that but she put a finger to my lips as if to tell me to stay quiet.

“I found your letter on your computer sweetheart, and there’s some other news that might make you feel better. We were wrong all along in thinking you were a boy hon, when they were doing the tests to see how bad you were injured they found out that you really were a girl all along sweetheart. There is a bit of a caveat to all this though sweetheart. I will let the doctor explain that as I don’t want to scare you in any way.”

She gets up and walks out without saying a word.

I dwell on what she just told me, I’m really a girl?

That’s impossible, that can’t happen can it?

Would that explain why I have been growing breasts?

No, that’s a perfectly normal thing to happen in male puberty. Minor breast growth is normal in teenage males.

I know that I wrote that note just days before starting High School, but my feelings have changed since then. Wait or have they not and I just thought they did?

Am I really like that character I read about online? Is it really possible to be both genders?

No that would be absurd, you are born one or the other and you grow up as said person.

There is no in between, there is no middle ground, and there certainly can’t be such a thing as being born as both genders.

My mother surely lied to me about that, that’s not possible in any manner.
As I’m thinking I’m brought back into reality by who I assume is the doctor and my mom coming into the room I’m in.

The doctor looks at me up and down and smiles. “You’re a very lucky child, not only are you a hero but you are a medical anomaly.

When you arrived here we thought you were a normal boy albeit a bit smaller than average. You were bleeding profusely and unfortunately that meant we had to rush you into surgery.

What happened during said surgery though really sent us into shock.”

He takes a deep breath then continues: “While they were cleaning you up down there, they noticed you had no sign of any testes. Being intrigued, they investigated further, young child you are a female that just so happened to be born with an extra set of tissue hanging off down there.”

He let that sink in a bit then continued “Your mother showed me the note you wrote before school started and in my opinion it was only a matter of time before something happened. Now, there is a bit of a caveat in all of this that you need to consider now that you really are a female. You can either continue your life as it is currently and develop into who you originally planned to be. There’s another option as well but I think you’re mom should be the one to explain that one.”

After saying that he walks out of the room and closes the door.

My mom looks at me after the doctor leaves and says “Like the doctor said there is another option, but it’s much more complicated than the other option.”

I look at her confused but I let her continue.

“Do you remember when you were younger that you really had no interest in sports?”

I nod, but I really don’t know where this is going.

“You were quite the quirky child to say the least. You had no interest in sports but, you seemed to enjoy your time spent with your sister and I. You gradually became more distant from us once I started dating Alex. Your friends pressuring you into playing baseball and you guys doing so well on the national stage turned you into a different person. It felt like I had lost my child and someone else had taken their place.”

I watch as she starts to tear up and I reach my hand out to hers and she holds my hand before continuing.

“I felt like you were hiding yourself in the shadow of your friends, you were not who you used to be when you were with them.

It wasn’t until this incident occurred that I even decided to look for clues as to why you seemed down all the time.

In your note you said that you felt cheated out of being the little girl you feel you should’ve been.

Well here’s where the caveat comes in, it’s actually safer for you if you allow them to turn you into a four year old and you be able to live your life the way you feel it should’ve been.”

“The safer route is not always the right choice though hon, if you were to stay your current age you’d be able to be a teenage girl who could paint her own wings and develop into a darling girl. I’d understand your decision whichever way you decide to go. Don’t rush it though, we have plenty of time before a decision needs to be made.”

With that she kisses me and says goodnight before picking up her things and leaving for the night.

Once she left, I began to really think.

Who Am I?

Am I able to be a teenage girl who can paint her own wings and not be laughed at?

Am I able to be a Teenage girl and actually be myself?

Am I able to be the girl that I thought I was growing up?

Wait, I AM a GIRL?!

Does that mean I was living a lie this entire time?

Does that mean I never had a true childhood?

Who does that make me now?

That makes me a nobody?

That makes me a loner?

That leaves me with nobody to go to.

That leaves me friendless, hopeless, and lifeless.

My life is ruined if I stay in this form. But if I choose the other option I’d be even worse off.

I’d have no friends, I’d have to rely on family for everything. I’d be waited on hand and foot.

I really don’t think I’d want that either.

What do I choose? I was told I didn’t have to choose right away so that helps a bit I guess.
I fell asleep soon after that and upon waking up the next morning I saw a notepad and pen on the table beside me and I start writing down my thoughts on both options from the previous night.

Upon finishing that, I think even more on what I was told and write as I’m thinking.

I’d have no friends either way, I’d be sad either way and I would be pointless to everyone around me.

If I do go younger that means going through school again and that honestly wasn’t enjoyable the first time around.

If I stay my current age, I’d be the laughingstock of everyone I know.

I’d be truly alone in either situation.

I also can’t shake the fact that I feel like the “safe” option is actually the dangerous one.

If I go that route, all I’d have is family. My mom, sister and my mother’s boyfriend Alex.

Being my current age would be the easy option but would it be the right one?

I honestly can’t say for certain on that either.

My life is a mess now because of who I am forced into being.
Upon finishing that sentence I hear a knock at the door and I put the pen and paper down as my mother comes into the room and sits down in the chair beside my bed.

She sees the notepad and pen sitting on my lap and asks if I’ve been writing.

I nod and hand her the notepad knowing she’d want to read it anyway.

As she’s reading I see her eyebrows raise in shock at a few points and upon finishing she looks over at me stunned at what I’m thinking.

“Do you really think we’d let you be alone either way sweetheart?”

“We have no intentions on letting you feel like you have nobody, either way you choose you’ll have somebody.”

“We love you sweetheart and no matter what you choose we’ll support you.
If you do go younger, you wouldn’t be alone, your Aunt Liz has her daughter Cassie, you already have plenty of family honey that will help you through this if you decide to go that route.”

“I really don’t know what I want mom, truthfully I really do want to be your little girl but I really don’t know if I’d want to do that and be tortured growing up again. If I stay my current age I wouldn’t be able to continue in any of the activities I did before this happened. I wouldn’t be allowed on any other teams so I really would be miserable not having anything to do. I already know that all my old friends won’t want any part of me if I stay my age and none of the girls would even want to come anywhere near me.”

My mom puts her hands so my hand is between them and says, “It’ll be hard for you no matter what you choose honey. You just have to decide which way you would be the most comfortable being. Sure if you stay your current age you’d be unable to play any sports because of this incident but that doesn’t mean you’d be completely miserable. Ok so you lost some friends, do you really think there won’t be anyone who’d be sympathetic towards your situation?”

I looked at my mom not knowing what to say.

“Why was I given this deck of cards?”

Upon saying that I start crying.

My mom stands up and hugs me.

“There there, let it out. We need those gone so you can be clean inside.”

I cry for what seems like an eternity before finally calming down.

“I guess it’s truly over isn’t it? You say I won’t be alone either way, but I’m having a hard time actually believing that. Everyone I know will hate me now, they’ll think of me as a traitor and I won’t have anything left. You mentioned Liz and Cassie but they live in Florida and we live on the opposite side of the country, that wouldn’t make too big of a difference so unless one of us moves near the other I’d be alone in that manner. I really would have just you, Allison and Alex either way so I’m really not sure on what I should do.”

Who would I really be if I became younger? Sure I’d get to re-do everything but would I actually want that?

I look out the window in my room as I try to comprehend the whole situation.
My mom looks at me and says:

“There’s something you’re not understanding honey, YOU are NOT alone in this.”

I look over to my mother and raise an eyebrow in confusion.

“You have people in your life that will support you. You know how Allison’s friends adore you, I’m sure they wouldn’t mind you being around them if you stay in your current form. I think you also forget that you have plenty of little girls that would be all over you wanting to help you. You’re not alone sweetheart, you’re just not seeing it."
Upon her finishing that statement I look out the window thinking about what was just said.

“I really didn’t want to admit that mom.

You saying that just made it even more clear that no matter which way I venture I will be the center of attention.

That’s not at all what I want either, I just want to be plain old me and have nobody notice me at school. That’s impossible now though so I guess I’m done for.”

As I said that I hear a familiar voice:

“You really think that I’d let you be the center of attention little sister?”

I look over to see Allison standing next to Mom.


“Save the words little sis, looks like I have some work to do Mom.”

Mom chuckles and leaves the room knowing we needed space.

“Why are you even here Allison? Shouldn’t you be in school?”

“It’s spring break silly, now then we need to have a serious talk.”

I get nervous at this point knowing things were about to get deeply personal.

“Mom told me your options and that’s all fine and dandy, but we need to look at the big picture here little sis.You see, your life is not over just because of this accident. In fact it’s far from that. In my opinion you’d be better off going younger. That’s not to say you couldn’t stay your current self and still do ok. You want to know why I think you’d be better off going younger?”

I look at her and nod slowly.

“You’d get to ease into your new self that way little sis. You’d have more time to develop your personality and character as your new self. Sure you’d have less people to fall back on but, you’d get what you always wanted. To be that little girl that you never got to be. Not only that but, you’d have everything you’d ever want.”

“I just wish I could’ve done this right the first time so we didn’t even have to consider this.”

Allison looks at me and smiles.

“Not everybody gets it right the first time little sis, you have to accept who you are now. Whether that is you as a Teenage girl or you regressing to a four year old, you just have to accept who you really are no matter what you end up choosing.”

I look up to the ceiling and say: “It’s the end of the old me, but a new chapter starts soon, whether that’ll be me as a teenager or a four year old I don’t know yet but hopefully I’ll be happy with what I become.”

“Allison, no matter what I choose I need you to promise me something.”

“What would that be Little sis?”

“That you stay by my side and be my big sister I need to guide me through this.”

Allison looks at me and smiles.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way little sis.”

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