Everything is connected, a little change can start something incredible
Logic and Emotion
This is not a sensible course of action
No, but it is the best one we can come up with
It stands a good chance of killing us
Better that than living like we do
And even if we survive, father will kill us as soon as he finds out
Exactly, better that we die with people knowing who we really are
There are many other ways we can do this, safer ways, saner ways
Nature and Nurture
It does not matter how we do it, nothing will change how Father and Grandfather will react when they know
If we leave, we can be protected, find somewhere safe to change
We need to do this, we have no time left, every minute damages us, forces us into a wrong form, it hurts so bad
We don’t have any other way of getting away from them
And being committed is a good alternative?
There we could be true, be seen for who we really are
Not what people want us to be
Good and Evil
But is this really the best way to go about it?
Of course, we get to hand them exactly what they want
It’s evil, surely we must act better than them to prove we are better than them
Actually, it does make sense, in a Crossing the Rubicon way
They would try and undo it if we don’t
And we definitely wouldn’t survive that
So you are all committed to this course then, to the end
Yes, Hell Yes, Yes, Yes, Oh yes
Okay, I guess we are doing it
And this way, we can hurt them right to the souls, just like they deserve
There are some days where you prepare for the worst and it doesn’t happen, and some days where you feel safe relaxing and then it does... yeah, today falls into that second category.
#-I need you here at home now, going through with it, door is unlocked, hurry-#
Incredible how one little message can throw everything into complete insanity. I knew she was really worried, and justifiably so if what she’s told me is true. But I thought I’d gotten her off of this insane idea... guess something else must have happened to set her off.
It’s about half a mile from my house to hers, as the crow flies... uphill, and her timing could have been better... her parents look like they’ve just gotten home... not going to beat her mother to the door... shit.
Do you ever have that feeling that something wrong is going on? Because I’ve got it really bad today, as bad as it’s been since... then. I was hoping it was just something going on with the staff at the shops and that I was picking up on their tension... and then I see one of the sproglet’s friends charging towards the house, looking horribly worried. “Hey, hey, what’s the hurry, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
He pushes past me with a sneer and an angry; “And it’d be your fault.” Which, quite frankly sets me worrying even worse. There is nothing that makes sense other than to follow him to the kitchen, where he has gotten on the phone, looking even worse.
He grabs me as I step into the kitchen and see my son, slumped against the fridge in a puddle of blood, a bowl with something burnt in front of him. There’s something written on the floor around it, but I’m too panicked to read it as I hear his friend talking. “Hello I need an ambulance, I’ve just found my friend at her house and she’s cut her balls off...”
I hate hospitals, the smell makes me think of that day in the morgue, when father... no, I can’t think about that, not now, not when this is happening. What the hell did we do wrong, why couldn’t he... she trust us, what did we do to make her hate us that much. Her message was somewhat direct, in a brutal, fuck you sort of way; ‘Your would be Grandchildren.’ But I cannot grasp why she wouldn’t trust us, we’ve never said or done anything against it... ever. It would be really hypocritical if we did.
“Look, if there is anything you can think of that prompted this, it would be helpful to our investigation.”
“No nothing, we didn’t even know that she was a she, she never told us any of it”
Her friend, who confusingly seems more angry at us than upset buts in, “Of course not, you’d have fucking beat her to death just like her aunt,” and spits in my face before storming out.
Waking up through a drug haze isn’t a pleasant experience, it’s a little like the sensation of sneezing golden syrup, only throughout my entire body... but I’m awake-ish and not in pain, so I think I’ve won!
“Well someone seems happy to be awake. How are you feeling sweetie?” The nurse is stupidly pretty, like ‘oh fuck I am a worm writhing in filth compared to her’ pretty.
“Like someone has poured treacle up my nose, only everywhere.” Oh fuck, she’s one of those girls that lights up like a smegging pinball machine when she giggles.
“Are you going to be okay while I get the doctor, just press this button if you need one of us” She hands me the call button and starts to leave, that perfect arse swaying just enough to make me even more jealous.
“Umm... are my parents here?” I have to know, have to be prepared to leave.
“No, they were, but they left in a hurry after the police interviewed them, they said they’d be back as fast as they can.”
“Can... can you not let them in... I really don’t want them anywhere near me...”
“I’ll see what I can do sweetie.”
About an hour later, I see them through the window, arguing with the doctors, making a passable attempt at looking like concerned parents. It looks like the docs aren’t budging on them not coming in... until they show them something... a letter? The docs expression’s completely change while they read it and my ‘parents’ feed them a line of bullshit. Oh no, they’re actually believing whatever shite they’ve been told, and they’re sending Pretty Nurse in, clearly to try and change my mind...
“Sweetie, you really have gotten things massively wrong, your... parents do just want to help you, they really aren’t going to hurt you like you think.” She looks sincere, but it’s got to be a practiced look, she’d need it working in hospital.
“You don’t know what he did, I know exactly how much he wants to hurt me, and I know he’s perfectly willing.” I turn away from her, so I don’t have to look at her filthy lying face.
“Oh you are so wrong sweetie. I wish my parents had been even a tenth as accepting and understanding when I came out.”
It’s impossible not to turn and sneer at her. “Look, I don’t know what magical line of bullshit they spewed to get you all to go along with this, but there’s no need to lie to me to let me let them in, because there is nothing that can make me.”
“So this is bullshit is it?” she pulls up her scrubs top and turns, showing masses of whipping scars across her back. “That’s what my dad did when I told him I was a girl when I was your age. Don’t you dare even think about suggesting that I don’t know what I’m talking about. Now, your friend is still waiting outside, if I send him in first, will you let your parents explain?”
You ever have that horrible lurch in your gut, when you realise you’ve completely and utterly destroyed someone’s opinion of you... yeah, it’s exactly like that. I can’t reply, just nod, close my eyes and curl up in shame.
I hear movement in the room, a body climbing into the bed behind me, and the only hands in the world that I can truly trust stroking my hair.
“Sweetheart... why?” The voice sounds like my father, but I know that the thing inside it is evil and is just waiting for a chance to kill me.
I keep my eyes shut, don’t want to see those lying faces. “I know what you did, granddad told me everything.”
He actually sounds confused, “everything about what?”
“I found a photo album, in granddad’s loft, in one of grandma’s old cases, full of pictures I’d never seen before, of you... sort of. It was you, but at the same time not, I couldn’t quite work out exactly what was wrong about them.”
“Babe, you don’t think she kept them? Do you?” Ah, and mother speaks, and clearly knows exactly what I’m talking about
“And when I reached the end, there was a couple of copies of a picture of you... and you, one of you with your scar on your belly and one without. So it wasn’t an album of you, it was an album of your twin... who no one has ever mentioned, and who you lot had scrubbed from your lives!” The hands stop stroking my head, and wrap around me, holding me tightly.
“Please, let me explain sweetheart, you really do have it all wrong.” And it sounds like daddy dearest is trying the water works... it’s not going to work.
“So, I packed the album away, under the insulation, so you lot can’t erase them again, and took one copy down to ask granddad about it. Told him it fell out of the dust jacket of one of grandma’s books. Asked him about it, and about who this lookalike was... He told me what you did! About you catching your twin dressed like a girl and beating them to death! What can you possibly say to justify that! Why should I ever trust you again!”
“It was an accident...” He actually sounds genuinely broken up, I’ve got to say, he’s a hell of an actor... for a murderous bastard, “I never meant to hurt her.” ...What? ‘Her’? “I couldn’t ever hurt her, not willingly.” I open my eyes to see him crying like I’ve never seen anyone cry ever. “We were arguing, I was trying to get her to take off her girls things so dad wouldn’t catch us... and she slipped, she went down and hit her head off one of the bed posts... you know, the really pointy ones on my bedat your granddad’s house. I didn’t kill her... not on purpose. Dad came in right at the end, he’d heard us arguing, but couldn’t hear what it was about.”
Mam looks just as broken up about it, holding him and kissing his cheek... “Your Granddad took what he saw at first glance and ran with it; he never knew what was really going on, and I managed to grab the only thing that would have told him before he noticed it. It happened two weeks after I found out I was pregnant with you, and about an hour before the time me and your aunt planned our getaway for.”
They are acting like they truly accepted her... “So what was really going on? What was it that would have given it away?”
Dad looks closer to breaking than I’ve ever seen anyone, and his voice is cracking, “Our coming out letter... she wrote a letter, telling him about us, and that we were going to have left and that he’d never find us, with a few polaroids of... the real us.” He passes me an old envelope, the date nearly 16 years ago. I open it and start to read:
Dear Daddy Dearest,
If you are reading this letter than we are gone, and you will never, ever find us. We know you will not accept us as the girls we are inside, so we have decided to leave. Your attitude is such that we cannot trust that you would ever do the right thing. Your grandchild will grow up free from your twisted abuse and your daughters will live, happily, in the lives we are meant to have. You don’t deserve to know our true names. Don’t try and come after us.
Goodbye and good riddance
Your escaping daughters
The first polariod shows the same two people as in the other picture, sat on a riverbank, looking far, far happier, my dad(?)’s scar showing clearly, uncovered by his... her bikini. The second shows dad(?) and mam, in the same place, arms around each other and kissing. The third, shows all three of them, in matching sundresses, in the bathroom at mam’s parents’ house, holding a positive pregnancy test to the camera.
There’s a whisper in my ear, “are you going to be okay... it’s a lot to take in...” I can’t talk, just nod and press back into his hug.
Dad (? Other Mam? Mum? Mom?) comes over and kneels beside my bed, and for the first time, I can see her, see her real self, “We are so sorry we never told you sweetheart, we just couldn’t find the words... find the courage...”
“But... but... why stay, why didn’t you run, why did you let him force the real you away?” Her face drops, Mam joins her next to my bed and hugs her from behind.
“Because your aunt was the strong one, the confident one, without her I didn’t have the strength to stand up for myself. Once the police were finished with me, and agreed it was an accident... dad told me that if he ever caught a whiff of me doing the same ‘evil perversions’ that I’d join my sister in death, no grave, no remains, no photos, everything I’d done erased, the only thing left just... a jar of piss soaked ashes, thrown in a landfill. I just wish I could go back and do things over, not fucking ruin everything cause I’m such a cowardly little shit...”
Eight Hours, just eight hours and we are going to be safely away from that bastard. I hate having to keep things from lil sis, but she’s just too nervous and wound up already. It’s going to be so much better once we’re away from here, and she doesn’t have to lock herself down so tight all the time. Seriously, how the smeg has he not noticed how femmy she acts, all the time.
I wish there was something, anything, I could do about her dreams though, ever since she found out that her and her girlfriend are going to be mothers, she’s been having horrible nightmares about ‘Dad’ finding out. Best I can manage is to hold her through the night, but it’s been getting worse, so glad we’re leaving before ‘Dad’ decided to investigate the noises. At least it doesn’t feel like she’s being beaten in this one, it’s horrible feeling her twitching like that. The tears are new though...
...Why am I on the floor with a crying sister on top of me?
“Hey sis, good morning to you too”
“...Why are we on the floor?”
“I think you kicked us out of bed, care to give me a reason why?”
“What were you doing in my bed?”
“You were having another nightmare, wanna talk about it?”
“No, not really, was a bit shit... you’d tell me if you were planning our escape right? Not just spring it on me at the last second...” Oh, shit damn hell fuck smegging donkey dicks.
“Um... we’re going to escape this afternoon... hey, it wasn’t last second... did you dream about it? Did something bad happen?”
“Um... I sort of um... killed you...”
“Well that’s not very polite.”
“It was an accident... “
“It’s still a little worrying sis; ‘good morning, I’ve just been dreaming about killing you,’ really puts a girl at ease when she’s trying to organise a runner”
“You don’t need to protect me, I can handle things if you’d just let me help...”
“Really? You’ve been a mess for the last fortnight just from the fact you’re ganna be the youngest teen mam on the estate.”
“...Yeah... but that wouldn’t have been as bad if I knew we weren’t ganna stay here”
“Okay, I’m sorry, we both thought you couldn’t handle it...” Wince... shit
“...Yeah, well her parents needed to be in on the planning anyway.”
“We’re all running away? Together? Like for reals?”
“Yep, and daddy dearest can’t do nowt bout it but shit in his hands and clap. Now wipe your face off, snotty nose and red eyes are sooo not in right now, and help us pack up the last of our important shit.”
6 Hours, and then we do the whole, relocate and leave everything behind thing... again... soo worth it this time though. I can’t imagine how bad things would be living anywhere that bastard knows about us.
#“Hey there babymama.”#
“Hey yourself ugly sister.”
#”Funny. Change of plan, your darling girlfriend has gotten all paranoid about daddy dearest comin’ hyem early, like nightmare bout killing me by accident over it paranoid; I think we should move things up as far as we can, to say an hour from now?”#
“How’d she even find out? Wasn’t the plan for you to not tell her until like an hour before hand?”
#”Like I said, nightmare about us running away and fucking up. Kinda had to admit it when she straight up asked bout doin a runner”#
“Right, okay, we can handle this, we’re all ready to go here.”
“So are you both all packed then?”
#”Yeeeeup, just need you and the ‘rents to pick us up.”#
“Right, okay, I’ll go tell them, see you two beautiful girls in an hour then.”
#”Hah, I knew you thought I’m beautiful.”#
“Doesn’t stop you being the uglier sister though, you’re all old and worn out.”
#”...I hate you...”-click-#
Okay, change of plan... gotta work fast... “DAAAD!!”
10 minutes, and then we’ll be totally free and safe and away from that bastard. I can’t believe that this is really happening, we’re going to be FREE!! Everything’s ready and we just need them to get here...
“Sis, what about mam?”
“What do you mean?”
“Where’s mam fit into this plan? Is she coming too? Does she know?”
“She doesn’t, no and of course not. Like she would ever stand up to the bastard, he’s had her cowed since before we were born.”
“So she’ll never know? We’ll just vanish and... how can we do that too her?”
“We can’t trust her, anything we tell her he’ll find out.”
“I’m starting to really not like your plan.”
“Yeah well, that part of why we never told you, you’re too nice sis. Let’s get everything downstairs, it’s nearly time.”
As we move our packs to the garage, I can’t help feeling we’ve made a mistake somewhere, just a worrying little whisper at the back of my head.
“Sis... What do we do if the bastard comes home ear-“ I'm cut off by the door being swung up, revealing ‘Daddy Dearest’ stood there, clothes stained with oil, grease and break-fluid, and looking exceptionally pissed off... Then he notices us, his ‘sons’ wearing obvious girls clothes, and his face drops even further, as he moves towards us (frozen in panicked terror) grabbing his sledgehammer from the bench.
*CRASH* The fuck was that? What is that bastard doing now? From the study window, I see him throw a young girl against the garden wall and another girl jumping and grabbing his arm to stop him swinging his hammer at the one on the floor. I’ve got to stop him, it’s a good thing that bastard never objected to me keeping Great-Grandpa's things in the study... and as I charge out of the house, I see who the girls are.
“Get your hands off my daughters you evil bastard.”
“So the whiney little bitch has got a backbone then, good, I’m so going to enjoy breaking you in again.”
I am so going to enjoy running this swaggering shithead through, prick never questioned why I kept this did he. A sledge is a great choice for one-on-one combat... if you are strong enough... and aren’t an arrogant shithead. He is neither, his first swing is a massively telegraphed overhead swing, that is easy to sidestep, and sinks the head into the turf, leaving him wide open for me to drive my Great-Grandpa's officers sabre through that bastards wretched 'heart'.
I faintly hear the neighbours who ran out to watch cheering as he falls and I run over to my... daughters, where they are cowering against the wall. I cannot tell which is who, and just drag them both into a tight hug, both of them crying into my chest as I hold them.
“We’re sorry mam, we never meant for this to happen...”
“Y-yeah, we were ‘post to leave and be like 20 miles away when he found out... and we didn’t think you'd go against him...”
“Oh my beautiful girls, you have nothing to be sorry for, I know I’ve let him walk all over us...”
Their friends car pulls up and her and her dad jump out and run towards the garage before seeing us and the bastard in the garden. She walks over to us slowly and pulls the one who wasn’t thrown at the wall to her...
“You were running away together? Is there something else going on that I’m missing?” they look guilty, then speak over each other:
“We had to get away to protect our baby.”
“Mam, you’re going to be a Grandma!”
“Don’t you ‘but auntie’ me missy, you promised that you would tell them, didn’t you. Your mams didn’t raise you to be a liar now did they?”
“No... but they also raised me as a boy, so I kinda feel a little justified rethinking what they’ve taught me.”
“Less of the cheek missy, and what is the problem, do you think they won’t accept you, really?”
“It’s just that, how can I convince them that I’m really a girl and not just saying it to try and fit in?”
“Sweetheart, they wouldn’t think that at all, they didn’t think it when I told them that I was a girl too.”
“But you and mam are twins, of course you’d be the same.”
“And how does you being their daughter make things different, the same thing that got us clearly got you too.”
“So they never thought you were doing it because you felt left out?
“Nope, telling them fully dressed in clothes that been out of the shops since before I knew about your mam helped.”
“So they really will accept me, no dismissive questioning or anything?”
“They should, and if they don't, I’ll give ‘em a smack on the lug, knock some sense into them.”
“Will you come with me? When I tell them.”
“Of course hinny, do you want your boyfriend there too?”
“I... I haven’t got a boyfr-friend...”
“Oh really, what about that cutie who’s always hugging you and stroking your hair, that’s definitely a ‘boyfriend’ attitude, not a ‘boy-who-is-a-friend' attitude.”
“Oh yes sweetie, he's got it bad for you, you’d best be careful you divvn't hurt him if you don’t see him like that.”
“He does know right?”
“First person to know.”
“So, his best friend is a super cute girl, obviously he's going to see you as girlfriend material. Now invite him over and we'll go tell your mams. And there should be enough time to get things sorted so you can start Year 6 as a girl.”
“Really? Thank you thank you thank you... I don’t know what I’d have done without you Auntie.”
This started as a particularly vivid nightmare I had a few weeks ago, wrote out the cycles in about 30 mins when I got up, just to get it out of my head. Came back to it two days later and decided to try and give them all a happy ending... easier said than done. I'm not satisfied with the last 3 chapters, but i can't see how to... fix it.
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