The Black Ring II
Black Ring I
(Disclaimer: Disociative Disorder, Schizophrenia, and vivid Suicidal thoughts are featured)
It all began with a funeral. I was dressed in an uncomfortable cheap suit standing with my fellow classmates mourning the death of Maria. She had died in a horrible car accident a few days prior. The wound on my forehead had not yet healed completely. No one present knew I was the other occupant in the car. If I was an ordinary person, I might have blamed myself or felt survivor’s guilt. I felt none of these things. I wasn’t in control that night.
As the casket was lowered into the Earth, fear swept through my mind. Would Jack ever return? Was he as dead as Maria? By attending the funeral, I half-expected Jack to reappear in my mind. Now, I was alone.
Well, not precisely true. I always had Jake. He was waiting by my rental car. The car accident had destroyed the car. The insurance company gave me this rental car until I could get a replacement.
“How are you?” Jake asked concerned.
“I thought this would force Jack to return,” I said shaking my head.
“With us, it’s never simple,” he reminded me.
“Right,” I agreed and drove back to the apartment.
Upon arriving at the apartment, I encountered Nick in the living room. I headed upstairs avoiding him entirely but then felt better of it. “Hey, Nick, I’m sorry about how I have been acting recently. I’m not moving out after all,” I told him.
“You were in the crash, weren’t you?” he asked concerned.
“Yeah,” I nodded.
He gave me a sympathetic look. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No, I’m good,” I said honestly. If I needed to talk to anyone, I could always talk to Jake.
I then went upstairs and surveyed the room. I checked underneath the bed and brought out boxes filled with female clothing. Jack had assumed I had thrown it out as he had asked me to. I also found my stash of make-up and set it up as it was before. Within a few moments, I had the whole room the way it was before.
“What if he comes back? He won’t be happy about this deception,” Jake warned.
“We can discuss it when it happens,” I replied.
“When and if?” Jake questioned.
“Don’t talk like that. He will come back,” I said confidently.
I then got on the computer and found my secret files of all of my girly photographs I was supposed to have deleted. On Facebook, Maria’s death was all over my news-feed. While pretending to be Jack, I had sex with her. I merely did it to cover for Jack. The situation was now more than awkward. I felt angry at Jack for putting me in that situation. He promised something like that would never happen. Perhaps I was just naive.
For Christmas break, I went back to my parent’s house. They were aware of my condition and did everything they could to get rid of me. They just wanted their son Jack and that was it. They never treated me as their daughter, just an alien parasite to be destroyed. Still, the parents couldn’t tell us apart and often assumed me for Jack. As I drove back home, Jake was in the passenger seat.
“Why are you going?” he asked me.
“For appearance sake. It would be expected,” I said.
“You could always use the accident as an excuse,” he advised.
“That would just make them worry more,” I said.
Upon arriving, my parents embraced me assuming I was Jack. My mother looked at my head wound with concern. “Are you sure you don’t need a doctor’s appointment. It could be more serious than you realize,” my mother said.
“I’m fine, really,” I said.
“Glad to see you back home, son. Wish the circumstances could be better for you,” my father said sympathetically.
“I’ll get through this,” I said.
I went inside and was immediately greeted by the obnoxious dachshund. The dog started barking at me as if it knew the truth. Jack loved the dog, but I didn’t care for it. The parents loved the dog more than me.
“What can I get for you?” my father asked from the kitchen.
“How about a beer?” I asked. It would be the kind of thing Jack would ask. I hated the taste of it.
My father handed me an ice-cold beer and turned to the TV. I took a seat as my father channel surfed. “How about the Patriot’s game?” he asked.
My father was testing me. Jack hated the Patriots. “I would rather see another game,” I said politely.
My father shrugged and continue to channel surf. “How was the drive?” my mother asked.
“Uneventful,” I said. I couldn’t really tell her that I had talked with my alter-ego the entire way.
“How’s your roommate?” my father asked.
“Well, dad, I sucked his cock but otherwise he seems like a normal guy,” I felt like saying. “He’s fine,” I ended up saying.
“You’re grades are excellent. We’re so proud of you,” my mother gushed.
“Thanks,” I said awkwardly. It was hard to fail when having two minds.
At dinner, my father discussed wanting to go golfing with me someday. I hated golf, but I pretended to be interested. “Want a glass of wine?” my mother offered me.
I loved wine, but Jack thought it was gay. “No thanks,” I said.
My parents quizzed me some more during dinner to try to get a reaction out of me. I didn’t fall for any of them. The only reason I came to visit these assholes was to see if it would trigger Jack to come back. After dinner, I went to my old room and looked through my stuff, anything that could potentially trigger him to return. As the night progressed, I was going to run into a problem. With Jack gone, I needed to sleep. My parents would know something was wrong if I ever did sleep.
Late at night, I sneaked out of the house to go to my car. “Is that you, Jill?” my mother asked curiously from the couch.
“Yeah,” I said hoping for some acknowledgment that I also was their kid.
My mother simply nodded and then I walked out of the house. I went to my car and drove off a distance away, parked my car on the side of the road, and went to sleep. Early the next morning, I came back to the house. I made some small talk with my parents and then embraced them like a good son. After giving them fake goodbyes, I went back to my apartment.
Once I got back to my apartment, Nick was no where in sight. So much the better. I contemplated his room and curiosity got the better of me. I used a screw driver and took off the door knob. I then entered the room and looked around. It was a little messy but that was to be expected. A few of his clothes caught my eye.
“No way,” I said amused. There was a bra and panties on the floor. I didn’t think Nick would be the type to have a girlfriend. He never had a girl come to the apartment.
I continued to look around and found pill bottles and needles in the drawer. “Heroin?” Jake wondered.
I looked at the pill bottles and read the labels. “No, something weirder,” I muttered. Everything was starting to make sense now, but I didn’t want to believe it. The odds were just too great. How could there be two of us under the same roof? I backed out of the room careful not to disturb anything and then fixed the doorknob. When Nick finally did come home, he didn’t suspect anything.
I sat on my bed Indian style and contemplated what I had discovered. “He’s self-medicating on female hormones,” I said to Jake.
“But why?” Jake wondered.
“Duh, he wants to be a girl,” I said as if it were obvious.
“Maybe there is another reason,” Jake doubted.
“Like what?” I asked.
Jake seemed stumped. “What do we do now?”
“We don’t do anything,” I said.
“If he poisons himself, the police will ask us questions,” Jake pointed out.
“So what? We wouldn’t have known what he was up to without breaking into his room,” I said.
“If he poisons himself, it will be another death connected to you. That looks too coincidental,” Jake warned.
Jake was right, but it was also risky to get involved. “What is the upside?” I asked him.
“He’s a fellow cross-dresser. The three of us could learn from each other,” Jake suggested.
“As far as I know he simply masturbates in women’s underwear,” I said.
“Then teach him how to cross-dress properly,” Jake advised.
“And how do you propose we bring it up?” I asked. It was not something one typically brought up in conversation.
“We confront him directly,” Jake advised.
“Thanks, genius,” I said skeptically. “For the time being, we monitor him.”
The spring semester began in late January. This time, it would be Jake and I doing the classes. Classes would be slightly more challenging since I would have to lose eight hours to sleep. For the first few weeks, I showed up in male dress. At the university, I took classes Jack had already scheduled. At this point, I was just fulfilling his intentions. Once I got back to the apartment, I dressed in female clothing and did my hair the way I liked it. I had decided to grow it out. If Jack ever returned, he could simply cut it back to the way before. I always kept my door locked to ensure that Nick didn’t barge in. I never caught him doing anything feminine, but I did notice a few changes. He was also growing out his hair, and his face looked more feminine.
“If we ask him about it, he will simply deny it. He’s deep in the closet,” I said to Jake.
“You sucked his cock. I think you have the credibility to bring it up,” Jake reminded me.
I decided to drop the issue. “I’m thinking of cross-dressing to class. The professor wouldn’t notice a new student,” I said.
“Go for it,” Jake agreed.
I decided to put my plan into action the next day. I wore women’s jeans and a sweater. My sweater budged outward with the use of my fake breasts. I then worked on my make-up to give me a feminine appearance and then I did my hair. Jake supervised as I worked making sure I didn’t miss anything. My next task was to get out of the apartment without being spotted by Nick.
I cautiously exited my room, looked down the stairs, and then slowly moved into view of the living room. Seeing no one, I quickly exited the apartment and came to my car.
“That was exhilarating,” I said as I entered the car.
“Nice job, but your driver’s licenses still has Jack’s face on it,” Jake reminded me.
“Can’t be helped,” I said and then drove off.
I attended classes as a woman for the first time. No one noticed me, no one cared. It was completely uneventful. It went so well that I decided to make it a more common occurrence. The only time I dressed as a male was when I had to take exams. It would look suspicious if a woman turned in an exam or paper with the name “Jack” on it.
Finally, in late February, I got caught. I was careless or perhaps Nick was a little too observant. He stopped me as I came to my car. “Who are you?” he demanded.
“Why should I tell you?” I asked in my feminine voice.
“You just exited from my apartment,” he pointed out.
“I’m Jack’s sister. Now, bug off,” I said as I scrambled for my keys.
“This is Jack’s car,” he continued.
“We share it,” I replied.
As I looked for my keys in my purse, he held my right hand. “That scar…its the same as Jack’s,” he said. He then eyed me carefully as if scanning through the make-up. “It is you,” he accused.
“Fuck yourself,” I replied angrily.
He gave me an amused expression. “You seem very confused with yourself. You act indifferent to me, then you suck my cock, then you disrespect me, and now you’re back to being indifferent. What are you?” he questioned.
“You think you’re so different,” I spat. “You’ve been taking hormones, and you have women’s underwear in your room,” I revealed.
“Careful,” Jake warned me.
“Shut up,” I said to him.
Nick simply stared at my outburst. “How did you know?” he asked flustered.
“I broke into your room,” I admitted.
He gave me a fearful look. “You can’t tell anyone. If my parents find out,” he stammered.
“As it so happened, I have their number too. So, don’t fuck with me,” I said to him.
He slowly backed away, and I entered my car. I locked the doors to make me feel more secure. “That could have gone better,” Jake said dryly.
“Whatever. I got him by the balls,” I said.
“People become reckless when they’re afraid. You should patch things over,” Jake suggested.
He was right, but I hated confrontations. I went back inside the apartment and found a surprised Nick in the living room. “I’m mentally ill,” I began. “I have multi-personality disorder. That is why I have been inconsistent with you. I have a male personality and a female personality. Do you understand?” I asked him.
He simply nodded. “Right now, my female personality has taken over…ever since the car accident. There is no Jack. There is only Jill,” I said.
“Are you Jill all the time now?” he asked.
“For the time being until Jack returns,” I replied.
“I have seen you talk to yourself. There is another personality isn’t there?” he asked.
“Yes, but he’s not in control,” I clarified.
He stared at me wondering whether to believe me. “If you have multiple personalities, how can I trust you? One personality could say one thing and the other could do another,” he said.
“For the moment, there is only one personality in control. I haven’t done anything against you,” I said.
“Other than breaking into my room,” he said annoyed.
“You are self-medicating. What do you think would happen to me if you overdosed?” I asked.
He hesitated as if thinking about something profound. “I think we can help each other,” he said finally.
“How’s that?” I said.
“You haven’t taken any hormones or had any surgeries, correct?” he asked.
“Right,” I agreed.
“And yet, your voice and appearance is perfect,” he said admiringly.
“I have years of practice,” I said.
“You could teach me how to pass,” he said.
“Whoa, I can’t promise that,” I protested.
“If it were possible, if it could be done, you could help me do it,” he said hopefully.
“Possible,” I allowed. “What’s in it for me?” I asked.
“I can get you the drugs you need for your own transition,” he offered.
“I don’t self-medicate. That’s a bad idea,” I rejected.
“If what you say is true, you will never be approved by the psychiatrists. You will never be able to transition through the normal way. As the years go by, it will be more difficult to transition,” he pointed out.
“I have no intention of transitioning. Jack will return,” I told him.
“What if he doesn’t return?” he asked.
“He will,” I said stubbornly.
He simply shrugged. “Very well,” he said.
I turned to Jake. “He could be useful in the future if Jack doesn’t return,” he told me.
If Jack didn’t return, I could fulfill my wish to become completely female. It would take time, pain, and money but it could be done. However, that would mean Jack never returning. He was like my brother, more than that.
“I’m not taking any of your pills, but I’m curious what I can do for you,” I offered.
Nick brightened up. “When do we start?”
“Now,” I answered.
I put him in a chair and started working on his hair. Once I was finished, I worked on his face. It actually took less effort than when I did it for myself. I then placed fake breasts on his chest and sealed them with an adhesive. Afterwards, I gave him a number of female clothes to try on. He tried the dresses, skirts, and pants. Each time, he looked at himself in the mirror.
“Wow, I had no idea,” he said enjoying his appearance.
“Now, we have to work on your voice,” I said.
Nick was an eager student but it took time to develop his own voice. That was something hormones couldn’t do for him. “Thank you for helping me,” he said in a semi-female voice.
“Sure, no prob,” I replied.
He gave me an embarrassed look. “We could be more than just roommates,” he suggested.
“What do you mean?” I asked knowing the answer.
“We’re both attracted to men, right?” he began.
“Right,” I allowed.
“We can dress as women most of the time except for special occasions,” he said.
“Alright, let’s make now a special occasion,” I agreed.
He gave me a nervous look. “Okay,” he said and then went to wash his face. I did the same in my own bathroom.
“You sure this is a good idea?” Jake questioned.
“I have never been able to have sex with a man, not once,” I said frustrated.
“He’s not really a man, though,” Jake pointed out.
“Baby steps,” I said dismissively.
I exited my bathroom and went into his room. I started taking off my female clothes and then removed the fake breasts from my chest. Nick was a little slower but eventually it was just two naked males in the same room. I went over to him and kissed him. Despite the circumstances, neither of us were hard. Nick was under hormone treatment and perhaps there was a disconnect between my personality and my body.
After kissing him for a few moments, I then went down to my knees and took hold of his limp cock. I placed my tongue on him and started to suck on him. Slowly but surely, he got hard. I worked on him until he came in my mouth. I instantly swallowed, it had taken longer than before.
“That felt good, thank you,” Nick said appreciatively.
“Your turn,” I said to him.
He obliged and started sucking on my cock. “Not bad,” I said to myself as pleasure build up at the head of my cock. Nick definitely had more experience in this area than me. He got me good and hard and then I quickly came into his mouth. The pleasure was similar to when I fucked Maria, shooting my sperm inside her. However, unlike that occasion, I didn’t feel nearly as awkward. I was having sex with a man, albeit a very gay one. My thoughts went back to Chris, the ultimate prize. I wanted to be with a strong, confident, straight man. For the time being, this would have to do.
As the months continued, Nick and I started dressing up in public more often. He would rarely speak while as a girl for fear of being discovered. I just told everyone he was shy. He also started attending classes in female dress and this time he started wearing his own female clothes he had bought. When we went shopping, I helped him pick things out. He continued to grow his hair out and hormone therapy. He was starting to become passable even without make-up.
Frequently, we come into each others’ room and make-out. At first, the farthest we would do is oral sex but then Nick insisted that I penetrate him. I didn’t want to do it, but I obliged him. I used a condom and plenty of lube and then I fucked him hard. Ironically, not being interested in this kind of sex prolonged me. We tried various positions until I couldn’t hold it off anymore.
“You actually enjoy it?” I asked him once we were finished.
“You should try it,” he said content.
“I’ll pass,” I said.
“It’s not just about the pleasure. It’s about being submissive during sex, being treated like a female. I imagine myself being a woman making love to a man,” he said.
I couldn’t disagree, but I was still not interested in having sex with Nick that way. He was becoming more-and-more like a female. Finally, I got him to penetrate me. It took a while to get him ready. He put a generous amount of lube and then slowly pushed inside. It was painful for a few moments as I adjusted to him. Jack would die if he knew what I was doing to his body. Nick lasted a few minutes before he came inside the condom. My first experience being penetrated was disappointing but at the very least I knew what it was about. I dreamed a real man would take me next time.
As I grew more confident in my cross dressing abilities, I finally went to the gym. I made absolutely sure my fake breasts couldn’t be seen through my t-shirt. As it happened, Chris was there lifting weights. I ignored him and worked on my run. With each step, I worried that the adhesive on my breasts would come loose.
“Hey, how’s it going?” Chris said walking up to me as I got off the treadmill.
I simply stared at him in fear and arousal. “Just getting in a run,” I said in a perfect feminine voice.
“I never use treadmills. I enjoy running outdoors,” he remarked.
“Well, its a little too cold outside,” I said.
“That’s true, but in the spring time it will be perfect,” he smiled.
“Sure,” I allowed.
“Well, I’ll let you get back to your workout,” he said turning away.
“Wait, what if we ran together? There’s a running trail near my place,” I said boldly.
“I would like that,” he said appreciatively.
Once the weather cleared up, Chris gave me a call to go on a run. Not the most romantic idea I had ever heard but anything was better than nothing. He drove up to my apartment and the two of us hit the trail. At first, we kept it slow neither of us wanting to embarrass the other. Realizing it would be impolite for a guy to suddenly outrun a girl, I decided to speed it up. He met my speed and then I went a little faster. He was now struggling a little to keep up but still managed. I was quite impressed, he was much bigger than me. What he probably didn’t realize is that all I did was run since I never lifted weights. It kept me thin but in good shape.
After our run, we were both sweaty and cold. “That was a good run, thanks. I didn’t realize how fast you were,” he complimented.
“I’m the one impressed. You must be nearly twice my size,” I smiled.
Would he be so impressed with me if he knew I was a guy? If I were a real girl would it even be possible for me to reach his speed? The two of us went back towards my apartment. I suddenly realized he would want to come in briefly for a drink or something. I wasn’t sure how that was going to work with Nick around. I had to pray that he would be in drag.
“Want to come inside for a drink?” I asked hoping he would say no.
“Sure,” he smiled.
Shit! I opened the door to my apartment and didn’t find Nick anywhere. Chris came in and remained standing. “You can take a seat if you want?” I offered.
“Its okay. I am all sweaty,” he excused himself.
I got both of us glasses of water. “Thanks,” he said drinking it down.
Nick then exited his room and entered the living room. I stared at him in horror but to my surprise he was in drag. He wore women’s jeans, a bulky sweatshirt, and had his hair styled. He stared at Chris and then at me. “This is my roommate, Nicki,” I said to Chris.
“Nice to meet you. I’m Chris,” Chris said to him.
Nick awkwardly nodded and then made his way back to his room. “She’s a little shy,” I said.
“Nice place,” Chris complimented changing the subject.
“Yeah, I have been meaning to move out though,” I said.
“Really? Same here,” Chris said.
I felt like making a move but decided against it. If I was too aggressive, I could fuck this up. “Well, I’ll see you around,” he said and then proceeded to leave.
“Go after him,” Jake said to me.
He had been with me during the entire run giving me encouragement to run faster. I followed Chris to his car and gave him a kiss goodbye. He smiled and drove off. I went back inside only to find Nick looking disappointed at me from the living room.
“Thank God you were in drag,” I said as I closed the door.
“Are you with that guy?” he asked. It sounded like an accusation.
“We’ve dated a few times,” I said truthfully.
“So, what are we?” he asked offended.
“We’re girlfriends. We’re both women stuck in male bodies,” I said to him.
“But, you haven’t transitioned at all. You just dress as a girl sometimes,” he protested.
“Nick, I can’t be your boyfriend,” I said bluntly. “When we were both boys, we saw each other as attractive. Now, you have small breasts and your dick doesn’t work,” I told him.
He seemed flustered at my rejection. On one hand he was hurt that we were breaking up but on the other hand he felt a little proud that he was in fact changing. I no longer saw him as a man anymore.
“It’s just that physically you still look like a man. It’s a little unfair that I find you attractive but you don’t with me,” he said.
I totally understood what he was saying but there was nothing I could do about it. “I can’t transition,” I said to him.
“Why not?” he asked.
“Jack may return,” I said flatly.
“Jack was an asshole,” he said bluntly.
This was true but also irrelevant. “He’s part of me, like my brother,” I said lamely.
“How long are you going to wait for him?” he asked.
“Good point,” Jake said to me.
“I don’t know,” I said honestly.
“You called me Nicki. I like that name,” he smiled and then went back to his room.
I felt sad for him. During his transition phase it would be difficult for him to get a boyfriend straight or gay. I had fucked a girl once. I ventured to his room and barged in. He gave me a confused look.
“Take off your clothes but leave the breasts on,” I ordered.
He willingly complied. Once he was naked except for the fake breasts, I got on top of him and started kissing him. I massaged his breasts as if they were real. He seemed turned on by this. I then went down on his small cock. I tried to pretend that it was Chris’ cock in my mouth but it was obvious it wasn’t. Nick had trouble getting hard but enjoyed the sensation none-the-less.
I then took his legs and placed them above my shoulders. “You ready?” I asked him.
He simply nodded. I then stroked my cock a few times to get it hard and then penetrated him the way a man would a woman. He groaned in pain and then pleasure as I fucked him. Eventually, he came onto his stomach. I kissed him for a few moments and then withdrew. “I’ll stay with you until you find a real boyfriend,” I whispered to him.
Afterwards, I took a long shower. I wasn’t attracted to Nick even before he started transitioning but pleasure was pleasure. I closed my eyes as I thought of Chris. I stroked my cock and got it hard. Having a penis had always been frustrating for me growing up. It just got larger-and-larger and more obvious. I was becoming more envious of Nick’s micro-penis. After a few short minutes, I came. I couldn’t be disgusted with it though. It was true that I would greatly prefer a vagina over a penis, but I didn’t hate it. If Chris and I were together, I would love the sight and feel of his penis. I just wished it wasn’t on my body.
Chris and I continued dating by seeing each other at the gym, the club, or at the movies. He had absolutely no idea I was biologically a male. We never went passed a simple polite kiss. Classes went well as expected. I was compelled to go back to my parent’s place for Spring Break. My father took me out golfing.
I gave my best swung and hit the ball considerably shorter than how Jack would have hit it. I never understood why he was so much better at golf than me. Jake was trying to give me tips but neither of us really had a clue. My father easily hit the ball past mine.
“Anything wrong?” my father asked.
“No, classes are good,” I said.
“Your game just isn’t as good as you’re used to. I figured something must be on your mind,” my father said knowingly.
“Just out of practice,” I said.
He nodded. “How’s Jill? Is she being helpful?” he asked.
I don’t know why I did it. I just snapped right then and there. “You know, Jill is as much your kid as I am,” I said boldly.
“She’s a figment of your imagination, son. She doesn’t exist,” my father told me.
“Burn,” Jake said.
I bit my tongue and went over to my ball. I tried to concentrate but my emotions were getting the better of me. I picked the wrong club and sent the ball into the forest. “Fuck,” I said agitated.
My father raised an eyebrow and hit his ball close to the hole. I had to tell him the truth. I just had to. It was a stupid idea though. I was on a golf course in the middle of nowhere far away from my own car that I didn’t even technically own. “Dad, I’m Jill right now,” I said finally.
“I thought you only came out at night,” my father said disappointed.
I let the comment pass. It was as if he saw me as a ghost that only came out in the shadows. “Jack hasn’t been around since the accident,” I said truthfully.
He stared at me as if trying to process this. “But, you were here with us in December,” my father said.
“Yeah, that was me acting like him. It’s not difficult for me to impersonate him,” I said.
He gave me an annoyed look. “Why didn’t you tell us? Did you just want total control?” he asked.
“No, I wanted him to come back, but he never did. I haven’t done anything crazy. I have good grades. What am I supposed to do about it?” I asked.
“We can get you counseling,” my father said obviously.
“That’s never worked and your whole goal was to get rid of me,” I said scornfully.
“That isn’t true. I wanted the two of you to come together as one mind is all,” he said defensively.
I barked out a laugh. “You wanted a son that had a mind that was both masculine and feminine? Get real.”
“We all have masculine and feminine attributes, men and women,” he said.
That was true to a point but not to this extent. “When I was Jill, you never gave me the time of day.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way. How was I suppose to raise a daughter in the body of a boy? Did you want me to go shopping with you?” he asked condescendingly.
“Just some acknowledgment of my existence would have been fine,” I replied angrily.
“You are going to bring back Jack this instant,” my father demanded.
“Oh, sure, because that’s how it works,” I said mockingly.
“You will get counseling and if necessary medication. You will cooperate,” my father said roughly.
“Or what?” I asked.
“We will cut you off. No school, no apartment, no car, and no money,” my father threatened.
This was no idle threat. Without my parents, I would be financially ruined. “How can I prove I’m making an effort. No one Earth has my condition,” I said.
“I know that. You will do whatever the psychiatrist says, and you will make a good faith effort,” my father demanded.
“Fine,” I agreed.
We didn’t finish our game, and I didn’t bother recovering my lost golf ball. I left to go back home without talking to my mom. On the drive back, I was emotionally distraught.
“I hate them,” I said out-loud.
“They just want their son back,” Jake said.
“It’s all about Jack isn’t it? He gets all the credit and all the love,” I said bitterly. “I should have told him everything: I’m fucking my roommate who happens to be transitioning into a girl, by the way.”
“I wouldn’t advise that,” Jake said.
I turned to Jake who looked exactly like Jack. “What do you want? You’ve been the third wheel this whole time.”
“What do I want?” he repeated.
“Yeah,” I pressed.
He shrugged. “I have higher goals in mind. I want us to have a degree, career, and a family.”
“Yeah, well, one step at a time,” I allowed.
I came back to the apartment deeply regretful that my spring break was ruined. As I entered the apartment, I saw two naked people on the couch. “What the fuck?” I wondered.
“I’m so sorry,” the strange man said getting up. He was Asian, slender, and athletic looking.
A naked Nick also got up and looked at me sheepishly. “How much does he know?” I demanded of him.
“Everything,” he said awkwardly.
I sighed disappointed. “We’ll talk later,” I said and went to my room.
I wasn’t particularly mad at Nick. In a sense, I was glad he landed himself a boyfriend. It meant I wouldn’t have to have sex with him. Still, an STD was of serious concern. If Nick was sleeping around, it could have repercussions for me.
“What’s the plan?” Jake asked curiously.
“Nick and I are done,” I said relieved.
“Shall we double our efforts with Chris then?” Jake asked.
“No, and we can’t get another feminine gay guy either. We’re stuck,” I said.
“So, what do we do then?” Jake asked again.
“We do nothing. We stay busy with summer school and finish this degree,” I answered.
A month after my fight with my father, my counseling sessions were scheduled. I came into the session with no expectations. “Hello, Jack. Take a seat,” the psychiatrist said as I entered the room.
I made no emotion at being called Jack. People called me Jack all my life. “My name is Dr. Stein. First, are you here of your free will?” he asked.
I wanted to scream “No!” but I kept my cool. “Of course,” I lied. If I had said otherwise, he would have stopped the session and my parents would cut me off.
“You’re not here because your parents want you to?” Dr. Stein seemed to sense the truth.
“No, this is my own initiative,” I said with fake sincerity.
“Alright, I have your file. You are Jill, correct? Do you want me to call you Jill from now on?” Dr. Stein asked.
“Whatever you like,” I said indifferently.
“Well, Jill, what are your goals for these sessions?” Dr. Stein asked.
“I want to get Jack back,” I said truthfully.
“That could be a tall order. Your condition is rather unique. There are some techniques we could use. There is always a danger that new personalities could be created instead of Jack,” Dr. Stein said.
“I’ll take the risk,” I replied.
“I am going to try to use hypnosis to try to communicate with any other personalities you may have. Is that okay?” Dr. Stein asked.
“Sure,” I said. Other psychiatrists had done the same with no real result.
“I need you to relax,” Dr. Stein began.
“I know the drill,” I said and then concentrated on the clock in the room. I became more relaxed, thinking slowed down to nothing, and then zoned out.
“This is so ridiculous,” Jake said sitting next to me.
“Damn it, just go with it,” I said to him.
Dr. Stein gave me an odd look. “There is another personality that is making it difficult to focus,” I explained.
“Not Jack though?” Dr. Stein clarified.
“Right, another male personality I call Jake,” I said.
“What is he like?” Dr. Stein asked.
“Lazy, indifferent, and lacking motivation,” I summed up.
Jake simply shrugged not confirming or denying my characterization. “Was Jack aware of Jake?” Dr. Stein asked.
“No, I kept him a secret,” I admitted.
“Why?” Dr. Stein asked.
“He would have been jealous, or he would have freaked out believing he would lose more of his autonomy,” I said.
“If he returns, will you tell him?” Dr. Stein asked.
“Probably not,” I said truthfully.
“Is it possible that Jake could become the missing Jack in your life?” Dr. Stein asked.
“Look, Jack isn’t a figment of my imagination or a reoccurring thought. He’s a real person, and he can’t be replaced,” I said stubbornly.
“Here, here,” Jake agreed.
I gave Jake a sarcastic look. “Anyway, Jake isn’t in control of this body. I am. He can’t replace Jack that way,” I said.
“Have you tried to change your personality to that of a male personality?” Dr. Stein.
“Oh, I have tried. Nothing worked,” I said honestly.
“Have you thought to transition then?” Dr. Stein asked.
“My parents would fry me and Jack would freak out when he returns,” I said.
“How long are you willing to wait for Jack to return?”
I didn’t have an answer to that question. Over summer break, I worked on my classes. Chris was gone for the entire summer. I went to my counseling sessions and got nothing accomplished. I never told him about Nick or Chris. That was my business. My parents didn’t invite me back during the entire summer. I guess they didn’t want me around until I was “fixed.”
In August, Chris returned and started meeting up with me. The most we ever did was kiss each other goodbye. Perhaps my absence over the summer caused him to reflect more on what he wanted. He became a little more aggressive in his approach.
Despite my better judgment, we made out in the park. He French kissed me and touched my hips. Before he could feel my fake breasts, I had to stop him.
“What’s wrong?” he asked as I broke away.
“They’re not real,” I said touching my fake breasts underneath my shirt.
“Like implants? It’s no big deal,” he said.
I couldn’t explain more without giving everything away. “I am not real. None of this is. I’m sorry,” I said backing away.
“What does that even mean?” he asked confused.
“I can’t explain here. I’ll…text you,” I said lamely and then ran off.
Once I got back to my room, I cried on my bed. I had lost Chris and would inevitably lose any guy that I would ever want. Either I faked a relationship with a girl or got together with a gay guy that wouldn’t mind my effeminate nature. Jake tried to reassure me as my tears ruined my make-up.
“Just tell him the truth,” Jake said to me.
“So, he can blab to all of his buddies and make me a laughing stock. All of this was for nothing,” I said ripping my shirt apart. I grabbed the fake breasts and ripped them off my chest. I threw them across the room and then ripped the extensions from my hair.
I tore the rest of my clothes off and saw a naked young man in the mirror. My body wasn’t the problem. I was the problem from the beginning.
Dr. Stein frowned at me. “That’s not something I can do,” he said flatly.
“Why not, you bastard?” I hissed inside my head. “Why not?” I asked pleasantly.
“It is unethical and has proven not to work,” he said simply.
“Jack is straight and I am gay? How does that work?” I asked.
“If I understand you correctly, both of you are straight,” Dr. Stein objected.
“So, what the fuck am I supposed to do?” I burst out.
“You must determine for yourself just how rigid you are in your sexuality. Most people are not one-hundred percent straight or gay. Perhaps, you are bisexual and don’t know it,” Dr. Stein suggested.
“Look, I’ve had sex with a girl…pretending to be Jake, long story, and I didn’t like it,” I said.
Dr. Stein decided not to discuss the ethical problems with what I just said. “That was just one girl though.”
“So, you’re saying that maybe another girl would be different?” I asked skeptically.
“Possibly,” Dr Stein replied.
I procrastinated on sending Chris a text on the full story, a decision I later regret. Instead, I continued to cross-dress as I usually did but then dressed in masculine clothing without make-up in social settings.
Being rejected by a female was ridiculous, so I created an online profile and shot out dozens of messages to random women I thought had good profile resumes. One decided to reply back and that was the one I saw at the club.
“So, you’re Jack?” a blond woman asked me.
“Yeah,” I said indifferently.
“I’m Sarah,” she introduced herself. I immediately knew her from the website.
“You look more lovelier than your profile pics,” I lied. In truth, I felt indifferent towards her looks and started to notice small make-up imperfections.
“Thanks. Want to get a drink?” she asked.
I asked her what she liked and proceeded to get two. I didn’t care for it but acted as if I did. I then started asking questions about how school was going for her. She prattled on about herself, and I pretended to be interested. Every so often Jake would tell me things about her that I had missed. Her tone of voice, body language, and mannerisms were all being analyzed by the two of us. We both concluded she was attracted to my body.
We did a little dancing on the floor. I was not familiar with the male role but Jake was. He told me what to do on the technical aspects. In my mind, I was checking off every dating box. According to the formula, I was doing everything right. As the night was about to end, I decided to seal the deal.
Since we had both had drinks, I ordered a cab for us. I ordered the cab to her place first. “Thank you for a great evening, Sarah,” I said to her.
She smiled. “Yeah, want to go out next weekend?” she asked.
“Absolutely,” I said with false sincerity.
She smiled at me and then went inside her apartment. I then had the cab drive me to my new apartment. Since my parents were concerned I would have unprotected sex with both men and women, they just gave the whole place to me. I looked over the pictures I had taken on my phone. Jake and I stared at the pictures of Sarah and I. We were both smiling, but I felt dead inside. I had no interest in her whatsoever.
I continued with the dating scheme with Sarah despite having no interest in her. For one, I was playing along with the counselor’s suggestion. Maybe if I did switch my orientation, I could live a normal life. I also thought it could trigger Jack to return.
As before I did everything perfectly, but apparently it wasn’t enough. After a few weeks, she broke it down.
“You’ve been really great, but I am going through some issues right now,” she said embarrassed.
“You’re done, finished, game over,” Jake said to me.
I ignored him. “Go on,” I allowed.
“It’s not you, it’s me,” she continued.
Jake smirked not helping my mood. “I thought I could like men, but I can’t,” she shook her head.
“What do you mean?” I asked patiently.
“I like girls. I’m so sorry,” she said apologetically.
“Nice,” Jake remarked.
I fought the urge to turn my head to look at him. Jake’s sexuality seemed completely fluid. “I understand,” I said subdued.
She nodded and then walked off. “She could be lying?” Jake suggested to me.
“It doesn’t matter,” I replied.
I went home and discussed the issue at length with Jake. “Assuming she was telling the truth, I didn’t do anything wrong,” I said.
“A break-up isn’t about who was right and who was wrong. Both people can be right when they realize they are not compatible,” Jake said.
“Maybe I was so bad I turned her gay,” I smirked.
Jake chuckled and then I laughed. We laughed together as the crazy people we were.
It didn’t take long before the incident caught up with me. I was minding my own business at the school coffee shop when he dropped in. “It’s him,” Jake warned me.
“I can see that,” I hissed back at him.
Chris came up to me filling me with dread. I was dressed in masculine clothing and appeared as Jack since meeting with the counselor. “Hey, I’m sorry about my sister. She can be erratic at times,” he said to me.
I simply stared at him. “Sarah is Chris’ sister. They have the same last name,” Jake said to me.
“Hey, it happens,” I said awkwardly.
He nodded and was about to leave when he stopped. “You look familiar. Have we met before?” he asked.
“He’s got you now,” Jake said amused.
“I don’t recall,” I lied.
“Could it be? You were in that car accident last year,” he said.
“That’s right,” I said hoping that would satisfy him.
He then looked into my eyes as if seeking my soul. “Wait, is that you, Jill?” he asked dumbfounded.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said defensively.
“It is you,” he said sitting down across from me.
“Jill is my twin sister. We look alike except for the gender part. You satisfied?” I asked him irritably.
“She said she was an only child,” Chris said.
“She lied,” I said quickly.
“I am so confused. Why would she lie and why did her brother start dating my sister?” he asked.
“It was coincidental. You have a very common last name: Smith,” I said.
“Alright,” he said standing up. I could tell he didn’t believe me. “Jill said she would text me explaining things. She never did. Could you remind her?”
I simply nodded. He then turned away to walk off. “Wait…I can explain it,” I said finally.
He stopped and gave me a confused look. He came back and took a seat across from me. “I am Jack and Jill. We’re the same person,” I admitted.
He looked at me dumbfounded. “I don’t get it.”
“Sometimes I dress up as a boy and sometimes I dress up as a girl,” I explained.
“So, are you a boy or a girl?” he asked confused.
“What difference does it make now?” I asked.
“I feel I deserve an explanation,” he said. “You dated me as a girl and then dated my sister as a boy.”
“That wasn’t my intention,” I said.
“Be it as it may,” he allowed.
“I’m trans, is that what you want to hear?” I said flustered.
“So, you don’t dress up just for fun?” he asked.
“No,” I said vaguely.
“So, what are you?” he questioned.
“I am a boy with a girl’s mind,” I said truthfully. “I am attracted to only men,” I added.
“So, why did you date my sister?” he asked.
“It was suggested by my counselor to see if my orientation was truly set. I felt nothing for your sister,” I said honestly.
“Okay, this just sounds a little weird,” he said. “I had no idea I was dating a…,” he trailed off.
“A guy? Yeah, sorry. In case you have any doubt, you’re perfectly straight. It’s me that’s fucked up,” I said.
“Is this what you wanted to tell me?” he asked.
“Pretty much,” I replied.
“Look, I know that in mind and soul you’re a woman. I have been around you long enough to know it isn’t an act. So, why not go all the way?” he asked.
“My parents,” I lied. I couldn’t tell him I was waiting for Jack to come back.
“Well, you’re right. I am straight, but we can still be friends can’t we?” he asked.
“It would be torture for me. I want you but I can’t have you,” I said.
“Maybe we can work something out. When you were dressed as a girl, you were a real turn on. You looked beautiful,” he said.
“So, what are you saying?” I asked impatiently.
“We start it up again, but you simply…,” he began.
“Not take my clothes off?” I interrupted.
“Yeah,” he said flatly.
“What kind of guy are you? You know I am a male underneath and that you can’t have sex with me as if I were a girl. You just want to kiss and cuddle?” I asked skeptically.
“Look, I am not into scoring as many girls as I can frat boy. I am not looking to get married either. I am just trying to get my degree done on time. I figure we could both have some company,” he said simply.
It was unusual but rational. Could I really reject him? What other man would put up with me? What if Jack returned? The relationship would immediately end. What if Jack didn’t return. I simply stared at Chris while Jake continued to suggest scenarios.
“Why the fuck not?” I replied finally.
From that time on, I started dressing as a girl again. I continued to talk with the counselor and spooked him by showing up as a girl and having a perfectly feminine voice. He didn’t believe it was me at first. I let my hair grow longer and my attitude on life improved.
Chris came by my apartment every so often to watch a movie or play a board game. One night, we made-out on the couch kissing and caressing one another. I could sense Chris’ sexual frustration. He wanted to have sex with me but didn’t want to at the same time.
“I can fix that,” I said touching his dick.
“You don’t have to,” he said embarrassed.
“It’s alright. I want to,” I said honestly.
“But I can’t do the same to you,” he said.
“Don’t worry about it. I am not keeping score,” I smiled.
“Okay,” he allowed.
I unbuttoned his jeans and worked to get his pants off. I positioned him laying on his back on the couch. I pulled his underwear down and saw his dick for the first time. I smiled appreciating its size. Unlike Nick, this thing was large, thick, and could get the job done. This was a real man in front of me. I placed my hands on his dick and stroked him a few times. Satisfied he was good and hard, I put my mouth onto his dick and started sucking him.
He shuddered and moaned as I began licking and sucking him. I had a lot of practice with Nick and knew what to do. It didn’t take long for him to spasm. “I’m going to cum,” he warned me.
I simply nodded and sucked harder on him. He grunted as he came in my mouth. His whole body tensed up as he pulsed a few times. I quickly swallowed and licked him clean. “How was that?” I asked him.
“You’re good,” he complimented.
“I can do it whenever you want me to,” I offered.
He came up to me and kissed me gratefully.
Chris and I continued dating through the fall semester. At Thanks Giving, I was obliged to go home to visit the parents. I dressed in masculine clothing to make them happy. They were still upset that Jack was missing. I had done everything they had asked to try to get him back. After a very awkward visit, I came back to Chris for a real Thanks Giving meal with his family. His sister was there but didn’t recognize me. She was all smiles, and I had the impression she might like me. After the visit, I had a weird conversation with Jake.
“So, you date Chris but have sex with his sister. How about that?” he asked while I drove back.
“That’s just wrong,” I rejected.
“Chris isn’t fulfilling your sexual needs,” Jake reminded me.
“I suck his cock every so often,” I pointed out.
“That’s fulfilling his needs,” Jake said.
“Sarah isn’t going to suck my cock just because I am dressed as a girl,” I said skeptically.
“How do you know for sure?” Jake asked.
“Even if it could happen, I don’t even want my cock sucked. Just the thought of it is a turn off. I am a GIRL and girls don’t want to have a cock and have it sucked off,” I said.
There was a long pause between us. “Have Sarah use a strap-on dildo and then have her penetrate you,” Jake suggested.
“No, it’s not happening. Just shut your mouth,” I said irritably.
I passed my Finals easily enough and studied with Chris to help him. During Christmas time, Chris gave me earrings. I had never worn earrings before since I could never go out in public as a boy with them on. The earrings were symbolic that I was going to permanently dress as a girl full-time. In return, I gave him a new game console and the two of us played video games for hours.
On the anniversary of Maria’s death, I went to the street intersection where it happened. On the night it had happened, he had berated me and nearly destroyed me. He went from being king to nothing in a few short hours. He was going to marry Maria, have children with her, and live a happy life without me. Now all that was gone. I enjoyed his defeat and felt guilty for it.
“It wasn’t your fault. He was behind the wheel,” Jake reminded me.
“It wasn’t his fault either. No one could have seen that drunk driver cross us,” I said.
“How long do you want to stay out here?” he asked.
It was cold, empty, and dark. “Let’s go,” I said to him walking away.
The next day, I visited the cemetery and placed flowers on the grave. I didn’t care for Maria but visiting her could potentially trigger Jack to wake up. I didn’t care if he was horrified about what I had done with Nick or with Chris. I just wanted him to wake up. In a way, I was visiting two graves.
“How long will you wait?” Jake asked me.
“One more year,” I replied to him.
Jack all but disappeared as I dressed as a woman full-time. I still had to put his name on all my papers and tests and any university paperwork I had to do. My car insurance and driver’s license still had his name. My hair grew long enough that it looked girly. I started working on my nails for the first time. I experimented with different clothes and shoes.
Finally, my parents got me a counselor that suggested some medications to “fix” me. Either I took the medications or my parents would cut me off. With no choice in the matter, I started taking them. That proved to be a big mistake.
I woke up one day and saw a woman that looked exactly like me sitting in a chair watching me. “What the fuck?” I wondered.
“My name is Jane. I am going to kill us,” she said in a monotone voice.
“Come again,” I said groggily. I looked for Jake and couldn’t find him.
“It just you and me,” she said to me.
“Alright, what’s your deal?” I asked her becoming wide awake.
“When you fall asleep, I will take control. When that happens, I am going to kill us,” she said again.
I got out of bed and walked over to my twin. “Oh really? What method?” I asked her.
“I haven’t decided yet,” she admitted.
“Get the fuck out of here,” I laughed at her and then went to my bathroom to brush my teeth. She appeared behind me in the mirror.
“I will do it,” she threatened.
“Then do it. See if I give a fuck,” I replied as I worked on each tooth.
She walked over to the shower. “I could hang us here,” she said.
“The shower head won’t hold our weight. Neither will the curtain frame,” I told her as I finished brushing my teeth.
“It could be as simple as the doorknob,” she replied.
I froze for a moment and then worked on shaving my face. Since I still had testosterone producing balls, I still had to shave. “Why if I may ask?” I asked her.
“There is no hope for us. No one will love us. We will never have children,” she said.
“Is that so?” I asked as I worked on my face. “I have a boyfriend right now and things are going good.”
“He will leave you eventually,” she said pessimistically.
“Maybe, but that’s life,” I said finishing up.
“You missed a spot,” she said pointing out a rogue hair.
“Oh?” I said and then worked to get it. My face then became hairy again and pimples began to show. Jane just smirked at me.
“You’re a freak, and you’re going to hell,” she said softly.
I walked out of the bathroom and looked through my closet. My female clothes were gone. “I threw them out,” Jane said.
“No,” I said frustrated.
I looked over at my pill bottle and dumped them into the toilet. “That will not save you,” Jane said to me.
“Shut up, bitch,” I snapped at her.
I looked for my smart phone and found it missing. “Its gone too and so are your keys,” she said.
“That’s inconvenient,” I muttered. “If you’re so determined to kill us, why didn’t you do it already?” I asked her.
“Look at your arm,” she said bored.
I looked at my right wrist and saw that my hand was covered in blood. I couldn’t tell if it was real or not. I couldn’t take the risk. I quickly wrapped it up with a bandage. I then felt a soreness around my neck. Jane casually walked near me with an electrical cord.
“Fuck you,” I said to her and then exited the apartment. I didn’t care that I couldn’t lock it. I was in trouble and needed help.
As it happened a cop was patrolling in the neighborhood. I waved him down in the middle of the street. He stopped his car in front of me and got out. “Get out of the street,” he yelled at me.
“I need help. Take me to a hospital,” I said frantically.
“What’s wrong with you?” he asked looking me over. “You’re one of those gay freaks. I wish I could shoot you,” he said rudely.
I stared at him dumbfounded not sure what I was hearing was real. “Take his gun, defend yourself,” Jane suggested.
I looked at his gun as I was starting to lose my mind. It took everything I had to focus. “I am in public and I am intoxicated. Under state law, you are to arrest me,” I told him.
“I’m just going to write you a ticket,” the cop said dismissively.
With no other option, I punched the officer to the face. He was surprised by the blow and immediately put me in cuffs. I was placed in the back of the cop car and felt safe. Jane was in the back with me. “People die in jail all the time,” she said.
The cop took me to the police station and put me in a jail cell. I looked for anything that could potentially harm me. I took the sheets, the pillow case, and threw them out of the cell. The cops noticed I was acting weird.
“Get mental health down here,” a Sargent finally ordered.
Soon, they took a blood test from me. It didn’t take long for them to see that there was an usual drug in my system. “You feeling suicidal?” the Sergeant asked me.
“Yep,” I nodded.
He nodded. “We’re going to put you on 24 hour observation,” he told me.
“Thank you,” I said gratefully.
Even so, the cops were barely attentive. “When you sleep, I am going to bash your head against the wall,” Jane said.
I tried to ignore her, but I couldn’t shut her out. She was in my head. I simply stared ahead and tried to stay awake. Typically, I could only last twelve hours when I shared a personality with Jack. Once it reached 8 p.m, I was starting to fade. The officers seem to notice it too. My eyes were wide-open, my body was shaking, and I was simply sitting on the hard floor.
A cop opened the cell and offered me a cup of coffee. “Here,” he said gently.
I drank it down gratefully. With my condition, caffeine could only do so much. As the hours passed, another officer came into the cell to check my condition. He took my racing pulse and erratic breathing.
“Alright, you’re coming with me,” the officer said picking me up.
I walked like a zombie to his cop car. I nodded off as he took me to the hospital. I was placed in a wheel chair and taken to a room for observation. I gave the nurse the name of the medication I was on. An IV was placed in my vein and taped down.
“Cuff my hands,” I told the officer.
“Why?” he asked.
“I’ll end up tearing the IV out of my arm and bleeding out,” I said.
He took me seriously and cuffed my arm to the bed. “Smart girl, but you can’t keep this up everyday. I will kill us!” Jane shouted at me.
I gave her a stern face. I couldn’t yell back at her without being sedated which was exactly what she wanted. “Get some sleep,” the nurse advised me.
“If I sleep, she will kill me,” I said to her.
“Who will kill you?” the nurse asked.
“The other one in my head,” I said to her.
She stared at me and then nodded in understanding. “We’ll watch you. Is there anyone you want me to call?”
“Yeah,” I said and then gave the nurse Chris’ number.
Chris arrived shortly and had a grave expression as he saw me. “The medication they gave me fucked me up,” I told him.
“Yeah, you’ve looked better,” he winced.
He stayed with me until the medication ran its course. Jane screamed at me the whole time but with Chris at my side, it was going to be okay. It was then I truly loved him. Finally, I fell asleep safe that Jane couldn’t kill me. I wasn’t alone.
I woke up half a day later in the hospital. I looked around and saw Chris reading a textbook. I looked around and saw Jake standing above me. “The doctor says…you’re going to be just fine,” he smirked.
“Fuck you, Jake,” I muttered.
“You’re awake,” Chris said pleased and walked over to me.
“You were here the whole time?” I asked.
“Sure, got some good studying,” he said.
“I’m sorry you had to see me like this,” I said.
“It’s alright,” he allowed.
I exited the hospital feeling weak and shaky. The cops gave me a court date to appear which was fine. I was going to embarrass my parents by telling the court the medications they put me under. They soon heard about it and naturally freaked out. On my court date, my parents got a doctor to tell the judge that I was under the influence of a strong medication. The judge threw the case out and that was that. My parents also switched my counselors up.
For the next couple weeks, it was a hassle to get a new pair of car keys, a new phone, and whatever else was missing in the apartment. I also decided to stay at Chris’ apartment and slept together, albeit fully clothed. Confident, Jane would never return, I went back to my own apartment.
During spring break, I got ambushed by my parents who required me to go to a counseling session with them. Dr. Stein was present this time. I was dressed as Jack to please them.
“Its great we have everyone here,” Dr. Stein began. “First, I think we should discuss whether you are willing to call her Jill,” he said to my parents.
“But its Jack,” my mother objected.
“Right…but Jack’s female personality calls herself Jill,” Dr. Stein said obviously.
“It’s fine,” my father said to get things moving.
“So, Jill, are you here of your free will?” Dr. Stein asked me.
“Absolutely, glad to be here,” I lied.
“Great, so we apparently had an incident a few weeks back, an adverse reaction to a medication,” Dr. Stein said stating it mildly.
“Yes, it created a new personality that was extremely hostile to me,” I said.
“Describe this new personality,” Dr. Stein requested.
“She was female, she looked exactly like how I see myself, and her name was Jane,” I said.
“Has she made an appearance since you stopped taking the medication?” he asked.
“No,” I replied.
“I recommend Jill not use any medications that could potentially have depression or suicidal side effects. It could create a new unstable personality,” Dr. Stein said to my parents.
“If he’s not taking medication, then what can we do?” my mother asked dismissing my gender.
“Our mutual goal is to bring back Jack. I do not believe medication is the answer. There is a possibility the personality called Jack may never return,” Dr. Stein said bluntly.
My mother started to tear up and used a tissue for her eyes. My father comforted her making it really awkward for me. “It is your intention to bring back Jack, correct?” Dr. Stein asked me.
“Yes,” I nodded.
“Do you believe her?” Dr. Stein asked my parents.
“Yes,” they said after a momentary hesitation.
“What is your plan if Jack does not return?” Dr. Stein asked all present.
My parents looked dumbfounded like it had never occurred to them. Dr. Stein eyeballed me for an answer. “I am going to wait for Jack even if it takes a lifetime. I will act as if I am Jack,” I lied.
Dr. Stein seemed to notice my dishonesty. “Right…well, as admirable as that sounds, it may not be a recipe for good mental health. Jill is a female personality in a male body. In order to correct the situation, Jill must either become a male personality or Jack’s body will have to change so that mind and body are one.”
“You mean a sex change?” my father asked incredulous.
“It may be easier to change the body than the mind,” Dr. Stein said.
“No, we don’t even know if Jill is really a female personality,” my mother objected.
“Good point, Jill, why do you consider yourself female?” Dr. Stein asked.
“I see myself as female in mental projections of myself, I like speaking, dressing, behaving, and being treated as a female. I like men and how they treat me in return,” I said.
“Do you have a boyfriend?” Dr. Stein asked horrifying my parents.
“No,” I lied.
“Do you dress as a woman in public?” Dr. Stein continued.
“No,” I lied.
Dr. Stein could tell I was lying. “If I could have some time alone with Jill,” he requested.
My parents reluctantly left the room. “Why don’t you want to be honest in front of your parents?” Dr. Stein asked gently.
“They can cut me off if I say or do the wrong thing,” I said truthfully.
Dr. Stein nodded. “I think the best thing for you right now is to become financially independent. Take out a student loan or get a job to support yourself. As long as your parents control you, I can’t help you,” he said.
Chris and I remained steady until summer break when he went back home. I missed him terribly and had only Jake for company. I passed my Finals easily and then looked for a job. I landed a job at a bookstore, but I had to dress as Jack the whole time. My parents immediately noticed that I hadn’t enrolled in summer classes.
“We think you should continue school to get your degree done quicker,” my father said roughly.
“I have done well in school so far. I need to get some work experience to balance myself,” I said using Jack’s voice.
“Nonsense, you don’t need the money or the experience right now. It saves more money in the long run to finish the degree earlier,” he argued.
It made sense if not for the fact that I was at his mercy. “Well, too late. The deadline already passed,” I said and then soon hung up.
To punish me, my parents stopped paying my rent. I used my salary to make up the difference. I then investigated student loans I could apply for. Upon discovery I qualified, I hesitated to take one. My parents would have a fit if they knew I took out a loan. I would only do so if I were going to have a clean break with them. They never treated me as their child anyway.
I went back to school at the end of summer but also worked at the bookstore. One day, Chris came to visit me at the bookstore. “You shouldn’t see me like this,” I said referring to my male dress.
“Hey, you’re my girlfriend when you’re all dressed up and my best friend when you’re not,” he said.
“It doesn’t work that way,” I said awkwardly.
“Alright, alright, I just wanted to say hello,” he said and then walked off.
The months counted down to the 2 year anniversary. I was getting nervous as the deadline approached. Jack had still not returned. No doubt if he did, he would lead us in a different direction. I had never had to be the leader in my own body for this long.
In December, I visited the cemetery with flowers while dressed as myself. I placed the flowers at Maria’s grave. As I recalled the memory, tears came forth. I dropped to my knees and cried beside the grave.
“It’s going to be okay, Jill,” Jake said softly.
“He’s dead. My brother is dead,” I sobbed.
“You don’t know…,” Jake trailed off.
I stood up and wiped away my tears. “I’m done waiting. This is my life now,” I said to Jake.
“And if he should return?” Jake asked.
“Then, he’s just going to have to deal with it. I lived the last twenty years in his body. I’ll be damned if I live another twenty waiting for him,” I said resolved.
“What is your plan?” Jake asked.
“I need to call an old friend.”
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