I looked in the mirror, I was very impressed with Jules's handiwork. "Well it looks very good, if I didn't know I would think I was a girl," I said laughing a little. "It's all about accentuating the positive and covering up the negative," she responded, smiling.   A Mother's Love - Part 5 by Alys

I lay on my side in the bed, the sound of Bekka's quiet breathing in her cot next to the bed was a reassuring sound. I looked at the clock again. It read one minute later than the last time I had looked at it, five fifteen. Another half an hour before I needed to wake Bekka for her feed. I had hardly slept between her late evening and her night feeds at about two.

I looked at the wedding day picture of myself and Mary, three years ago, a beautiful Spring morning. It had been such a wonderful day, everything had gone like clockwork. Forty odd friends and family at Haringey registry office. Honeymoon after in Prague and Vienna. Two cities steeped in culture and history.

Bekka made a whimper. I rolled out of bed and walked over to the bathroom. I took off the cotton nightdress, which I had gone to bed in to save on wearing and having to wash one of my few nursing bras. I placed it in the dirty washing basket and then stood and relieved myself, not thinking too much about the incongruity of the action. I put on Mary's dressing gown and picked up my now alert little miracle and placed her to my breast. I stood there for a little while as she fed, an innocent little soul. I sat down and reflected on the previous day.

Two hours later one single beep of the horn, from the street outside, announced the arrival of my lift for the morning.

I grabbed Bekka in her car seat and her bag and made my way quickly outside.

"Hi Jules, thanks for this" I said as I got into the car.

"How did you sleep?" she asked.

"Very badly," I replied.

"You still love her don't you?" she asked.

"Of course, I do, I want her to come back and Bekka needs her to come back. After this breast feeding is over there's no reason why we can't have more normal roles," I replied.

"Maybe you should try and meet her." she commented.

"How could I do that, Manchester is 5 hours away by car, I'd have to stop to feed Bekka on the way, what would people think, how could a man go into one of the special nursing rooms?" I asked.

"Yes I can see that would be a problem" she responded.

There was silence between us for the rest of the journey, I was too tired to make conversation and I sensed that Jules was a bit uncertain about the whole situation. The needs of navigating through the labyrinthine traffic chaos took her concentration while I dozed a little.

We reached our workplace in time and Jules went up to the office while I dropped Bekka in the nursery.

The rest of the morning went on auto-pilot. I managed to get through the initial flurry of phone calls and emails in time to give Bekka her brunch.

Kathleen was back and so the three of us had lunch while she told us about her course. Both Jules and myself were glad of the distraction I thought.

Susan, my line manager, popped into see me while I was feeding Bekka in the afternoon. She asked how I was, I just replied non-committedly.

"Anything I can do to help, you know where I am," she said as she was about to depart.

"Thanks Susan," I said before returning to feed my precious little one.

I made it back home, through the rush hour, it was raining, by the time I pulled up on the little drive of the house. The miserable weather suited my feelings. I checked the post, nothing personal, there were no phone messages. I took Bekka out of her car seat and carefully bathed her. She made happy noises as the warm water washed over her. I wrapped her in a towel and rocked her for a little, she stared at me and there seemed to be the trace of a smile on her face. I knew it was too early for that but it was nice to see.

She was suckling greedily onto me as I sat back in the armchair. I flicked on the TV, after a few minutes channel hopping I turned the TV off and turned on the music centre. The stirring music of Holst's planet suite surrounded me. I picked up my mobile and clicked speed dial one for Mary's mobile. The phone rang for a little and then the standard voice mail message cut in.

"The person you are calling is not available please leave a message"

"Mary please phone back you can't just give up now," I spoke into the phone, about the fifth similar message I had left during the day.

I fell asleep on the bed after putting Bekka down after her evening feed. Her cries woke me at ten, I fed her, took my clothes off, put on another nightdress and fell back to sleep again.

After having had some sleep the night before, I was slightly less tired when I started work the next day, Friday, the last day of the week. Which was a good thing as there were more problems to solve and to anticipate with all the company's overseas clients in anticipation of the weekend.

I had finished my list of phone calls when Jules came over when with a coffee.

"Thanks," I said

"You know I may have an idea about how to get to Manchester" she said.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Can I come round after work and discuss it with you?" she responded.

"Sure I was thinking of cooking Lasagna, do you like that, it would be nice to share" I said.

"Yes I love Lasagna, that sounds good," she responded.

The rest of the day followed the previous one although my curiosity about what Jules might have in mind meant that I was looking forward to the evening.

"So what is this idea of yours?" I asked as we eating our meal with a glass of Chardonnay, in my kitchen later on after I had bathed and fed Bekka.

She paused and then looked at me.

"Listen don't take this the wrong way but seeing you in Mary's clothes the other day has suggested something to me," Jules replied.

"I hope you are not going to suggest what I think you're going to" I responded.

She smiled.

"It would work though, you could easily look like a woman and no-one would think anything of a Mother breast feeding her baby in the nursing room," she said looking at me encouragingly.

"I am very sceptical about this, it's one thing to put on a dress in the house but to act as a woman outside with people watching, they would all know," I commented, very unsure about trying such a thing.

"Why don't I try and sort an outfit that would look good and be easy to carry off," she said.

"OK, but don't expect this idea to work," I responded.

We changed the subject and she entertained me for a while talking about the failings of her last boyfriend.

Jules handed me a push up bra a long, casual skirt and top and a v-necked cardigan, from Mary's closet, as we stood in my bedroom.

I took my clothes off, forgetting, in the familiarity of my bedroom, that I had an audience and was soon standing there, bare breasted, in my boxers. I became aware that Jules was staring at me there.

"You'll need panties under the skirt to hold you in a bit," she said.

She handed me a pair, without thinking I took my boxers off and then noticed she was staring at my flaccid penis, I put my hand over it in embarrassment.

"Sorry I am so used to stripping in front of Mary in this room," I said apologetically.

"Can I see it?" she asked.

I took my hands off my dick.

"Can you still get an erection, you know after taking the hormones?" she asked.

"Not easily," I replied," it usually takes a while and I have to play with my boobs too"

"Like this?" she said, as she touched my nipple with her finger and slowly traced my areola.

I felt an electric charge go through me, Mary had refused to touch me there and we had not had sex since some months before she gave birth, so it was a new experience to be caressed on my own breast.

"What about this" said Jules as she touched my penis and it responded

She moved closer and her lips met mine, I kissed her back. Bekka whimpered. I gently pushed Jules away.

"I'm sorry Jules, this is wrong. You are turning me on but it's not something I want at the moment"

"Sorry, Steve, I got a little carried away, let's carry on with the experiment"

I quickly put the clothes on and then the wig.

"Let's try this lipstick and this foundation, just a small amount, over where you have a few stubble marks on your chin"

She busied herself for a few minutes and then pronounced things to be satisfactory.

"Have a look"

I looked in the mirror, I was very impressed with Jules's handiwork.

"Well it looks very good, if I didn't know I would think I was a girl," I said laughing a little.

"It's all about accentuating the positive and covering up the negative," she responded, smiling.

"Anyway it doesn't mean that this will work in public," I stated.

"Well there is only one way to find out," she said.

"What is that?" I asked.

"Let's go for a drink"