CHAPTER 57
In the end, I spent two weeks off work. My bosses were very clear in their instructions, and I was told that it was being recorded as ‘gardening leave’ rather than sickness absence, to avoid the stigma such things bring. Effectively, I was suspended on full pay, but without the implied misbehaviour.

Wyn called round more than once to share a cuppa and eat us out of biscuits, Di and Blake were there, Kev and his family naturally; even Chris came over one afternoon with some scandalous videos and pictures of his latest holiday in Gran Canaria. What is there to say? I am gay, but to me it’s just a simple part of my life, my soul, and those two things are completed by one lovely red-haired woman, whereas Chris is so in-your-face about it he almost outshines the rainbow.

Wyn it was who put everything into words. He had always been such a steady hand, right from the early days of Sarah’s troubles, but more than that it was a communion. He was a man who had come through the same shitty world as myself, and anyone who didn’t develop coping strategies in such places would have been lost. That, I understood instinctively, was what had so nearly broken Annie as Adam, and continued its corrosion of the woman herself.

“It’s a distancing thing, Elaine. The trick is not to let things get TOO distant. You care; it’s what makes you such a good copper. Trouble is, you have to learn when to let go. I did a little digging, aye? I understand you first met her at an RTC?”

“Er, no, not exactly. I met Adam-as-was when I was doing that diversity tour stuff, with Chris O’Connor? The nasty stuff was later. It was a particularly… It wasn’t nice”

“I heard. What is it that’s brought her back? I’ve been following the reports, oh, and did you know she’s up for a gong? Above and beyond, aye? Anyway, my question. What is it that’s got her back with us, stable? “

“Family, I suppose. Got a good bloke, proper partner, aye?”

“Indeed. What she has is people like you, people who care, people who strive their hardest to make a difference. The danger for that sort of person is in their inability to let go. It’s a cliché, I know, but you can’t save the world by yourself, you can’t win everyone’s battle, so pick those where you can make a difference. Look at it this way: one person can’t push a runaway car back, but a shove to the side, or a grab at the steering wheel, that can avoid a disaster. Pick your battles, Elaine”

“Aye, but…”

“No buts, girl. Oh, and I got some news before I came over. Her friend is off the ventilator, awake and talking. One less for you to worry about. Got more tea?”

So typical of the man. He effectively tells me off, puts me in my place, then drops a little sweetener to show me that said place is not actually a bad one. I rang Sar that evening, and heard a tale of exhaustion and collapse combined with happy tears. The smiles curdled when I found out exactly what had been going on, and why Belfast, and that was when I very nearly prayed that whatever deity might exist could make room in the same part of hell for the Cuthberts to join the Evans clan.

I really think, almost to my disgust, that it was my revulsion at their crimes that broke the spell of my near-collapse. After what they had done to little Chantelle, they still held the arrogance to try and lash out at those who had intervened? Bastards! That, it seemed, was my coping strategy: anger. Note to self: don’t let it override sense.

I went back into work after sixteen days of unusual absence, and of course the work had piled up, and naturally there were budgets to collate, apportion and correct, and, and, bloody etc. I was a little irritated that nobody even mentioned my time off, and I must have muttered something a little louder than I had meant to, for Adele simply rose from her desk, came into my office and shut the door behind her.

“I’m going to forget my place for a moment, Inspector Powell, and I am going to say a few things. Nobody is avoiding anything. We know you, we know how you care. Some of the boys have worked with Adam, Annie, whatever they call themselves now, innit? What happened is no small thing. You are not Superwoman, though you do a bloody good job of copying her, and nobody thinks less of you for having a bit of time off. If you had broken a leg chasing a robber, it would be the same. Industrial injury, innit? So stop putting yourself down or I will put in for a move!”

Told off by my own PA, what else could I do but start to laugh, which got her giggling, and then of course we had some tea as my understanding crystallised. The boys and girls weren’t avoiding the subject to spare my feelings, they were doing it out of respect for a fellow copper, maybe even for a friend. I think I became a little bit more human that day, for between them, Adele and Wyn had put me back on my feet. I didn’t think any less of Annie for her collapse, so why should I condemn myself?

Siân noticed my mood when I got home, and simply smiled and got on with our evening meal. She only raised the subject in bed that night.

“Rebooted then, fy nghariad?”

“Eh?”

She put on a silly Brummy accent. “Have yow troid switching it off and on again? Rebooted, that’s you”

I snuggled into her warmth. “More like booted up the arse. Even Adele had a poke”

“You really need to watch your metaphors"

“What? Oh! Sorry!”

“Never mind. I was worried about you, you know. I… a confession. I called Wyn up, thought he might turn you round a bit”

“That’s not a confession, Siân. That’s what lovers do, aye? And have I told you recently how much I love you?”

“You could show me…”

I did my best.

The year hurried past us, in a whirl of meetings and conferences, trips up to see Mam and Dad, and the occasional visit from Ambrose, who was clearly determined to see that we were kept abreast of Angharad’s condition even if she was doing her best to exclude us. That Summer Kev managed to go above and beyond, and Di and Blake’s new arrival Rhodri Adam was able to join us all in a huge villa on Kos, with its own pool. If I couldn’t heal the world, by god it was doing its best to heal me. A month or so later, I had my camera ready again.

I would never, ever tire of those old hymns, and our family blended with Annie’s to drown out much of the organ. None of us were religious, except Mam and Dad, but I could never deny the magic that lived in the old tunes. It is a commonplace to describe brides as radiant, and mine certainly had been, but Annie dimmed the sun, and bugger propriety, I caught her as she looked towards Eric, and he looked back and smiled, and, well, a week later I sat with Di as she fed little Rhod and we both cried as I shared the pictures. Di looked up at me, smiling through her tears, and yet again I was shown that a cliché is often that just because it is so true.

“This isn’t such a shitty world after all, is it, Lainey?”